Joke thread

Once upon a time, there was a perfect man and a perfect woman. While driving on the way home Christmas Eve, they decided to give an elderly man in red a ride to his home. On the way back, a car crashed. Who survived?

The perfect woman, because she was the only one that actually existed! There is no such thing as Santa or a perfect man!

But that also means she was the one driving....

edited 14th Dec '16 7:18:54 PM by Smasher

Here's one I just read.

What's a drow's least favorite meal?

A light snack.

I went to the zoo, but the only animal was a small dog.

It was a Shih-Tzu

A woman is yelling at her husband for cheating on her. The husband says "She was naked and lying there? What'd you EXPECT me to do?"

The wife says "Finish the damn autopsy!"

Speaking of jokes about cheating spouses, here's a Russian one:

A Russian man returned home from work a bit earlier than expected, and climbed in bed with his wife. After he had been there for about 15 minutes, a naked man jumped out of the closet, shouted, "I am fugitive criminal Ivanov," before running away.

The man wanted to believe he imagined the whole episode, but a few minutes later, a second naked man jumped out of the closet and shouted, "I am police detective Petrov! Did you see where fugitive criminal Ivanov went?" The man was confused, but pointed down the hall. Then, "Petrov" turned back to the closet and said, "SWAT team, follow me!"

Wanna hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.

You ever hear the one about the ceiling fan?

It'll probably go over your head.

An old woman took her dog with her on a trip to Africa. While there, she and the dog were separated, causing the dog to become lost in the jungle. The poor dog was soon forced to do drastic things to survive.

Some days later, a leopard was stalking the jungle (as leopards are wont to do), and came upon the dog. The dog was sitting in a clearing, and was surrounded by bones — he was still chewing on one. The leopard thought he had found an easy meal, and began creeping toward the dog. Just before the leopard pounced, the dog said aloud, "Gee, that leopard was good...I sure wish I had another one."

The leopard bolted away as fast as he could, and didn't stop running until he was tired out. He lay on the ground, panting, glad to simply be alive. Some time passed before a monkey came by and looked down at the leopard. "That dog was leading you on," said the monkey. "Those weren't leopard bones he was eating."

The leopard was furious. "Jump on my back, monkey!" he said. "If you show me where he is now, I won't eat you." The monkey rubbed his hands together gleefully, and jumped on the leopard.

The monkey led the leopard through the jungle toward the dog's new location. They found the dog standing beside a river, looking at the far bank. The leopard slowly crept forward, until he was no more than five feet away.

Just before the leopard pounced, the dog said " Where is that monkey? I sent him out an hour ago to get me another leopard!"

What do you call it when two egomaniacs seek revenge on each other?

An I for an I.

A "one liner" I came up with a couple years ago that my facebook "memories" just reminded me of:

There are many moments in history I would like to be a fly on the wall for. The invention of the flyswatter is not one of them.

Who was the greatest Biblical comedian?

Samson. He brought the house down.

A friend of mine once put a Del Monte sticker on a snake. But I can't help but wonder... is it a bananaconda or Del Monte Python?

edited 7th Jan '17 1:39:43 PM by WilliamRadarStorm

An archaeologist was excavating a tomb where he found a mummy. He immediately called up his associate, a forensic anthropologist, and told him: "I just found a five thousand year-old mummy of a man who died of a heart attack!"

The anthropologist scoffed. "I don't see how you could know the age and cause of death. Let me take a look at it." After painstaking examination and research, he exclaimed, "You were right! How did you know?"

"Easy," the archaeologist replied. "There was a slip of papyrus in his hand that read:'Ten thousand shekels on Goliath'."

What did the cats say when one of them played their poker game unfairly?

Stop lion, you cheetah!

So a Roman dude walks into a bar, then he holds up two fingers and says: " five beers please!"

edited 14th Jan '17 5:23:30 PM by Almohad

How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it, then get mad when it doesn't screw.

I asked a windmill what its favorite type of music was.

It answered, "I'm a big metal fan."

That was a good one.

Prove that the wind is blind.

A wind is a breeze; A breeze is a zephyr; A zephyr is a yarn; A yarn is a tale; A tale is an appendage; An appendage is an attachment; An attachment is love; And love is blind.

edited 18th Jan '17 11:14:41 AM by TempestKnight

What did the father say when his son showed him a pile of 144 boogers?

"Son, that's just gross."

What's the difference between a light bulb and a regrettable one-night-stand?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

So Rene Descartes walked into a bar. The bartender asked him: "Do you want a beer?".

He never returned.

I just heard this one.

In the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school, there was a big bowl of apples close to the kitchen. There was a sign next to it that said "Take only one; God is watching." At the end of the line was a big bowl of chocolate candy. Next to it was a sign that said "Take all you want; God is watching the apples."

Who plays Yoda?

Frank Oz.

Who plays Miss Piggy?

Frank Oz.

Who plays Grover?

Frank Oz.

Now, what do cows eat?

"So, have you decided on your Halloween costume?"

"Yes, I'm going as a Ghoul."

"Whoa! That's a great pick, man!"

edited 26th Jan '17 3:47:30 PM by Almohad