Joke thread

Why was the baker gluing bark to the walls of his bakery? He was stocking up on his pastetrees.

Why shouldn't hockey players moonlight as a waiter? Two words - "Check, please".

Why did the mayor of Townsville want a girl's toy?

Because he's a grown man who don't know no better.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

edited 28th May '16 8:29:35 AM by WilliamRadarStorm

Oh you horrid cad. That was a good one.

Did you hear about the opinion on the new glass coffin designs? Remains to be seen.

Why do noses run and feet smell?

you want to maybe add a punchline into your post there?

black humor is like a child with cancer.

it never gets old.

The punchline is included in the set-up. Read it again, you'll notice it.

Just in case: usually you'd associate feet with running and the nose with smelling, rather than the other way around.

.......i am not on my game today.

A one-armed idiot is hanging from a tree branch. What's the best way to get him down?

• Wave to him and say "Hi".

What should you do if an idiot is hopping around on one leg?

• Reload

There's two men: one smart, one... well, an idiot. The idiot asks the smart one how he's so smart, and the smart one says "Well, I take these smart-'em-up pills at 6:15 sharp in the morning." The idiot says "Oooh! Can you get me one?" The smart one agrees, and leads the idiot into the forest. After a bit of wandering, they come across these fabled "smart-'em-up pills" and the smart one offers them to the idiot. The idiot takes one, then flinches and says "These taste like rabbit poop!" The smart guy smirks and says "See, it's working already!"

A woman comes home from a doctor's appointment and tells her husband "So, the gynecologist says that I can't have sex for a week." Her husband says "But what did the proctologist say?"

A man walks home to find his wife having sex with his best friend. He tells his wife "I want a divorce!" Then he turns to his best friend and says "Bad dog!"

One I heard from a coworker:

A guy walks into a doctor's office with a duck sitting on his head. The doc asks "What can I do for you?" The duck says "Get this guy off my ass!"

An excerpt from the Mickey and Minnie Mouse divorce trial:

Judge: So you want to divorce your wife because she's crazy?
Mickey: No, your honor, I never said she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy.

So, a woman enters a pet shop and notices a very pretty parrot with beautiful plumage. She asks to buy it, to which the owner agrees but warns "It came from a brothel, so it may have picked up some colourful language." The woman says "Oh, I don't mind it. The kids are old enough anyway." She takes it home. Later, she takes the towel off its cage. The parrot looks at her when she does this and says "Bawk. New madam. Hello madam."

A few hours later, two of her daughters come home. The parrot sees them and says "Bawk. New girls. Hello girls." Then, a few seconds later, the woman's husband, Phil, comes back with his sons. The parrot immediately said "Bawk. Hi Phil."

Lol. Nice.

Shamelessly stolen from a random Facebook comment:

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes about 24 minutes. Trump goes next and arrives with a time of 14:26. Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can, trampling the flowers and shrubs in her way in an effort to beat Trump's time. She finally crosses the finish line in just under ten minutes.

"Aha!" She exclaims, "That must be some kind of record!"

"I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11."

In memory of Muhammad Ali, I'd like to remind everyone about his toughest fight.

The only problem is that I can't find his first wife...

I thought Ali made that joke himself. But then again, I read it in a jokebook and not anything official.

edited 7th Jun '16 8:08:53 PM by WilliamRadarStorm

You're thinking of Mike Tyson, actually.

What does a chemist's dog do with bones?

Barium

Ugh. These chemistry jokes are just a bismuth.

I'm getting real tired of these jokes. I better find some solution.

Well, now that we know the problem, can we solvent?

Alright, these jokes are getting prephosphorus.

Here's one:

Two women are out shopping together when they start talking about their husbands.

"My husband doesn't love me anymore!" The first woman says. "All he thinks about is food. Everyday, the only thing he does is eat. He doesn't even talk to me!"

Her friend says, "I have an idea. There's a Victoria's Secret over there. How about you get some sexy black lingerie and a black négligé and surprise him when he gets home. There's no way he'll be able to resist you then!" So the troubled wife agrees and the two plan to meet the next day at a café to talk about how it went.

The next day, the friend arrives at the café to find the first woman in tears. "What happened?" she asks.

"It was awful!" The woman bawls. "He walked in the door, took one look at me, and said, 'What's for dinner, Zorro?'!"

edited 20th Jun '16 8:06:02 AM by ClipboardFox22

A place I drive by en route to work usually has a joke or two on their sign. I drove by this morning and saw "My math teacher called me average. That's so mean."

That cracked me up just looking enough to realize I was laughing at a math joke.

What do you call scam with pine trees?

Con a fer.