Joke thread

Well, eventually the aisle will run out of bread and he'll raise an exception...

@Aetol - I find it strange how, despite being a humanities major, I can understand all of them except two. XD

Which ones do you not understand ?

The ones with programming languages.

The joke is that the directives given ressemble instructions in a programming language.

edited 14th Nov '15 6:51:59 AM by Aetol

So, a man buys a time machine, and deposits five dollars into the bank, telling them to adjust the number for inflation. He then goes into the far future, and dials "0." He asks the operator how much he has in the bank, to which the operator responds "You have $5,000,000 in your bank account." The man celebrates, but is interrupted by the operator asking "Please deposit $1,000,000 for this call."

Two angels are out for a stroll among the clouds in Heaven, when they pass a box marked Suggestions.

The first angel wonders aloud: "This is Heaven. Everything's supposed to be perfect in Heaven, right? So why would we need a suggestion box here?"

The second angel replies: "Because some people just can't be happy unless they can complain."

I think the REAL joke there is that someone thinks we'll still have payphones in the future

Alright then, let's avert that Plot Hole with a joke from the not-too-recent past...

Doctors from different countries were at an international health conference to discuss the medical advances in each other's countries. The French doctor claimed "In my country, we can take a liver out of one person, put it in another, and have the recipient up and looking for a job in a month." The British doctor claimed "In my country, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have both people up and looking for a job in two weeks." The Russian doctor claimed "Ha! In Motherland we can take heart of one comrade, put it in another, and have both comrades up and looking for jobs in one week." The American doctor laughed at all this and said "That's nothing, where I'm from, we can take an asshole out of Illinois, put him in the White House, and have half the country up and looking for a job the next day."

Hmm...I don't get it. Is it some kind of evil politician joke?

I have no joke. This picture just tells one by itself.◊

So I was asked; which one I would like, breasts or legs? So I said I was an ass man myself.

I wonder why the KFC clerk looked at me weird.

Q: How does a mathematician deal with constipation?

A: Like any other problem, they work it out with a pencil.

That reminds me...

A bodybuilder, a skeptic and a mathematician are riding a train in Scotland when they see a black sheep. The bodybuilder looks at this and goes "Hey look! The sheep in Scotland are black!" The skeptic replies with "No, for all we know that's the only black sheep in Scotland." The mathematician simply shrugs and says "From what we can gather, at least one sheep is black on at least one side in at least one part of Scotland."

...Even the matter of...ahem, performance issues?

I wouldn't know. But that brings to mind another one...

Q: How does a college girl tell that the guy she's sleeping with is an engineering student?

A: It isn't hard.

Yet another good joke about 50 Shades of Grey.

Reminds me of something my dad said as we were moving my brother out. Brother complains the mattress on top of the car isn't tied down properly.

Dad: "There's more rope on that bed than 50 Shades of Grey!"

Everybody winced... though I swear I saw my brother's fiancé smile

Did you hear about the doe who discovered he was actually a stag?

Yeah. He concluded that he was transgendeer.

*ba-dum-tch*

A dominatrix walks into a Subway, whip in hand, and says "I heard you have 12-inch subs here..."

When my friend Max and I were kids, we came up with this joke ending for The Matrix.

Neo: Am I dead?
Morpheus: Yes.
Neo: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

So I heard that my country has the highest rate of suicides among OECD nation.

God, that's so depressing it makes me wanna kill myself.

A guy comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man. He immediately goes to the dresser, opens a drawer, takes out a loaded pistol, and puts it to his head.

The other man jumps out of bed and yells, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The husband says, "Shut up! You're next!"

That reminds me of that awesome scene from Blazing Saddles.

So I read an article about the dangers of drinking, and I'm thoroughly horrified. Therefore, I have decided to change myself for the better; from this day forward, no more reading!