Joke thread

"Mom what are you doing with that axe?"

"Never mind and put your father's leg in the fridge"

"Mom when are we going to have Grandma for dinner?"

"I'll think about it after we've finished eating your father"

"Dad what's a Brony?"

"Never mind and help your mother put on her feedbag"

What's red, sticky and smells of Eskimos?

Polar Bear Vomit

What's the world's most poisonous spider?

I don't know the name, but one is crawling up your shirt

As always, feel free to throw things at me if this joke is terrible.

A doctor was seeing a string of female patients for routine physicals. She noticed that her first patient had a large red mark on her chest shaped like an "H." She naturally inquired about the nature of this mark. The patient replied, "I have a boyfriend who goes to Harvard, and he never takes his Harvard shirt off. Not even during sex." The next patient came in, and she had a mark on her chest shaped like a "Y." Sure enough, her boyfriend from Yale did the same thing. The doctor wasn't particularly surprised when her third patient had an "M" shaped mark on her chest. The doctor asked, "Do you have a boyfriend from the University of Michigan?" The patient replied, "No. But I've got a girlfriend from the University of Washington."

Heterosexual couples enjoy the 69 position too you know!

What's the difference between Oral and Rectal thermometers?

The taste

"Mom why don't we get a real garbage disposal unit?"

"never mind and keep chewing"

"Your son is terribly spoiled"

"How do you know that?"

"I saw him get hit by a bus a week ago"

"My last boyfriend was such a toad"

"Was he ugly?"

"No, he gave me warts"

"I'm god's gift to women"

"Makes me wonder if he has a return policy"

edited 2nd Oct '12 8:11:15 PM by truteal

I know. It's a fucking joke (pun intended).

Three couples were trying to join a certain religious order. There was a newlywed couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The leader of the order said that in order to join, they would have to abstain from sex for a month.

So, a month passed, and all three couples returned. The leader asked if they had been successful. The elderly couple and the middle aged couple had, but the newlyweds, "Well we made it three weeks, but we ultimately failed when she dropped a can of paint."
"What do you mean by that?" asked the leader.
"Well, she dropped a can of paint, she bent down to pick it up, and then neither one of us could control ourselves. Lust took over right there."
The leader replied, "Well, I'm sorry, but you aren't welcome in the order at this time.
"That's fine," responded the man. "We aren't welcome in the Home Depot anymore either."

edited 2nd Oct '12 11:18:23 PM by CompletelyNormalGuy

"It's the Hedgehog's Dilemma."

"...what's the Hedgehog's Dilemma?"

"Every game that came out between 2000 and 2010."

edited 4th Oct '12 10:13:48 AM by PhysicalStamina

So there's this guy named Bob. One day, he finds a genie's lamp. Naturally, he rubs it and a genie comes out.

"Abracadabra!" says the genie. "I am your genie. You have one wish, what do you wish for?"

"Only one? Well, I'd better make it good then. Give me a minute."

Bob thinks for a minute and gets a wonderful idea.

"I've got it. I wish I had a personal highway from my house all the way to Hawaii."

The genie says, "Are you nuts? Do you have ANY idea how hard that would be? That's way too expensive! I'd have to make gas stations and rest stops, and people to run the gas stations. I'd have to redirect boats and make it so the fish could get through, and I'd have to protect the highway from hurricanes, and what if your car broke down? I mean, you'd need mechanics and parts and I'd have to make sure no airplanes ever landed on it, and..."

"Okay, okay," Bob interrupts. "I get it. I'll think of something else."

Bob thinks for a while and says, "I've got it! I wish I understood women."

The genie asks, "Do you want it two-lane or four-lane?"

A prisoner is at the gallows, he says to the hangman "What will it take to set me free from this?"

The hangman replies "You can go when you want to all you have to do is Jump down and run"

(I swear the first telling of this was the best. It was an onthespot example of Gallows Humour for a friend. Not sure it it's that good.)

Once upon a time, there lived an old king who ruled over the land of Mee. The kingdom was famous for having the strongest army known to man, which he used to conquer every kingdom surrounding his own. Each king Having no children of his own, he adopted three of his own: Dolly, Kareem, and Kashir, who everybody called "Kash" for short. He loved them very much, and they loved him back. Whenever the king had free time, he would play with all three of them. They had so much fun together.

Three years later, the king was on deathbed, with everyone in the castle gathered around him. He called for his children, and said to them, "On my bed... underneath my pillow... is my will. Once you find it, please... read it."\\ "We will, daddy," said Dolly with tears in her eyes.
"My children... I... love... you... so..." He coughed a couple times before finally saying, "Good...bye..."

His eyes closed. His head slumped over to the right. The king was dead. Everyone in the castle was crying.

2 weeks later, a funeral service was held for him, and he was buried.

After the funeral, the children went up to the king's room to do mourn and do a bit of reminiscing. Suddenly, Kash remembered his father's last words. "Guys," he said, "remember what Dad told before he died?"
"No," said Kareem, "I was crying too hard."
"Me too," said Dolly.
"Look, come over here." Kash led them to the pillow where their father's will was. "Dad said there was a will under this pillow and told us to read it."
"What do you think's in it?" asked Dolly.
"I dunno," replied Kash, "but it's probably important." He moved the pillow out of the way and grabbed the will. Dolly and Kareem crowded around Kash as he began to read.

My lovely children, if you are reading this, I am dead. As such, I have chosen one of you to take my place as ruler of this land. Pay close attention to what I say next.
Kashir... you will not be the ruler of Mee.

Despite his disappointment, Kash kept reading.

However, I hereby bequeath to you all of the kingdoms that encircle Mee. Dolly, you are to report to Johnson's Billing Company once the will is finished being read. I have arranged a job for you there.

Dolly was shocked and confused? Why a billing company? She wasn't even completely sure what one was. Surely her father had something more for her.

Once again, Kash continued reading.

And finally, Kareem. I hereby bequeath toy you my entire kingdom. From this moment on, everything in Mee - my subjects, my riches, the soil, the buildings - now belongs to you. Please take good care of them.
I am sorry if any of you didn't get what you wanted. Please understand, however, that I still love you both, and even after death, that fact will not change. I wish you three the best of luck.

-King Jonathan III

After crying a bit more, the children went their separate ways to live out their lives as given the them by the king.

Long story short, Kash rules everything around Mee, Kareem gets the money, and Dolly? Dolly bills, y'all.

edited 9th Oct '12 10:57:02 AM by PhysicalStamina

(slightly dirty, be warned)

A young boy and his grandfather are out fishing on the lake.

The boy sees his grandfather get a beer out of the cooler and asks, "Can I have one of those, grandpa?"

The grandfather asks, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The boy replies, "No."

The grandfather says, "Then no, you can't have one."

Later after they get home from fishing, the boy sees his grandfather get out a cigarette and asks, "Can I have one of those, grandpa?"

The grandfather asks, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The boy replies, "No."

The grandfather says, "Then no, you can't have one."

That evening, the boy is sitting in front of the TV with a plate of cookies. The grandfather sees the cookies and asks, "Can I have one of those, grandson?"

The boy asks, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

The grandfather replies, "Yes."

The boy says, "Then go fuck yourself."

...nice.

What is Bob's name backwards?

treboR

This is a well-worn, incredibly ancient one, but I feel like telling it anyway. So ppppbbbbllltttt:

A man walks into a bar that's at the top of a skyscraper. The only other customer is a guy wearing glasses who looks like he's already had a few too many.

"Say bartender, gimme one a' those magic beers!" shouts the man with the glasses. The bartender looks a little reluctant, but pours the man what appears to be a perfectly ordinary beer.

Curious about this, the man comes up and asks him "what's a magic beer?"

"Hold on, I'll show ya" says the man with the glasses. He then drinks the beer in one gulp, jumps out the window, flies a few loop-de-loops around the building, and climbs back in.

"Wow, I've gotta try that!" exclaims the man, "Give me a magic beer too". The bartender pours him a beer from the same tap - he also drinks the beer in one gulp, eagerly jumps out the window, and promptly falls to his death.

The bartender then turns to his one remaining customer and says "You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman".

edited 17th Oct '12 11:30:03 PM by MikeK

That's great!

If Mario and Luigi split a 1-up mushroom, does that mean they each gain a half-life?

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?

He was up all night wondering if there is a dog.

@Master Inferno: Did you hear about the girl who sat up all night wondering what happened to the sun?

It finally dawned on her

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and sits down next to another man. After he downs the drink, he nudges the other man and says "Hey, I fucked yer mum." The second man does not respond and the first man orders another drink. After he downs this drink, he again nudges the second man and says "Hey, I fucked yer mum!", but again, the second man does not respond. The first man orders a third drink, and about half way through the drink, nudges the second man and says "Hey! I-" At which point the second man cuts in and says "Dammit dad, leave me alone!"

Heh.

What did the lumberjack say before the tree fell on him?"

"Timb—"

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. Think about it.

edited 4th Nov '12 11:56:04 PM by Balmung

Why are the punchlines all spoilers? Why?

EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!

Anyways.

In the wild west in a small village two people are caught commiting crimes. Identity theft and adultery. The town has no jail since an accident sometime in last january when an old prospector was locked up. He had been tossed in the cell while drunk and tried blastin his way out before soberin up. Blew the wall. And all the other cells. Well the sheriff, being of the sensible sorts, has makeshift gallows made from a horse trough.

Now you can't keep a man in a gallow, that would be cruel, so the sheriff, being of the liberal persuasion, decides prison is to not punish but to teach prisoners lessons. He also needs a new jail. Putting his mind to the task he decides that he will have a fundraiser that will teach them criminals a lesson.

For five dollars you can punch the adulterer in his evil-non wife humping-genitals. Or you can spend those five dollars towards the punching the face of the man who stole other people identities. Well even though the day of the is hotter than a three-way, the line for both criminals is longer than the old timers stories you can hear at bars. As the day progresses the two criminals are more and more bruised. The last person in the identity theft line is a young ranch hand named Buck. With a lowercase b. buck. His name is so because of a funny story of when he was caught humping a, well never you mind. That is buck's story.

buck steps up. What he sees scars his soul. The identity thief has long since lost awareness of his surrondings. His face is an abstract painting of all the horror of humanity. Blood drips from his toothless mouth. One ear torn from the unrelenting beating he has suffered. Both eyes had long since swollen shut, but judging from the color of the liquid oozing from the left eye he knows the man has been rendered a cyclops. The wheezing noise coming from the crushed remains of his nose is the only thing that signifies the man is still alive. Still, he had paid five dollars, so he decides to get his money's worth. He winds up his leg and delivers a bone-shattering kick to the thief's balls.

The sheriff sees this and is outraged. He chastises the youth. He tells him "What do you think this is? This is the punchline". The man died of his wounds later that night.

edited 4th Nov '12 11:40:22 PM by InfalliableLiar

I don't even understand what that sentence about given away had to do with anything.

edited 11th Nov '12 2:31:11 AM by MorwenEdhelwen

Why does Luigi always have to drive Mario home after he finishes a ghost house?

Because of all the boos.

What did Batman say to a robber after he caught im in the act?

Nothing. He was too busy punching him.

A pirate walks into a bar. He has an eyepatch, a hook hand, and a peg leg. He sits down at the bar and the guy next to him asks, "Hey, how did you get that peg leg?"

The pirate replies, "Arr, me ship had sunk out in the middle o' the ocean. I were hangin' on ter a piece o' driftwood when a shark come up an' bit me leg off."

The man says, "Okay, so how did you get the hook?"

The pirate says, "Arr, I were a-sword-fightin' with another pirate an' he cut me hand off."

The man says, "So how did you get the eyepatch?"

"Arr, I were up on deck one day, a-lookin' up at the sky, when a seagull flew o'er me head and shit in me eye."

The man says, "Wait a second. You got an eyepatch from bird shit in your eye?"

The pirate replies, "It were me first day with the hook."