So I took a bromance all the way to prove a point to a friend

You guys, last night. It was unbelievable.

There are certain moments in internet history that go down in legend. Densha Otoko. Encyclopedia Dramatica's Last Stand. But that's all to do with online stuff.

Let me tell you how I got my gay friend who's my equal in offline trolling to take our bromance all the way to prove a point. I kissed a boy, yes, but sadly due to his scratchy beard, I neither liked it or knew it was meant to be. The make out session I gave him cemented my comfort with heterosexuality loud and clear, since after that it occurred to me that the main appeal of gay relationships was really me and Scratchy Mc Beard's shared love of trolling people offline and an appreciation of the girliest media and television shows known to man. Because I bothered to kiss a dude, I now know that I was never in this for the sex, it was the trolling and mutual respect of fashion divas that made our bromance work all along.

But enough of the teaser trailer, here's why this happened to begin with.

Scratchy Mc Beard here is a gay man who is trollish enough to grope people, man or woman in public because he's like that. I'd tried to get it into his head that while I was totally cool with his watching Real Housewives of the OC, the groping had to stop. In a previous bar encounter during a dance floor booty shaking session, I gave the first booty grope I gave to anyone, man or woman, to Scratchy Mc Beard, because if you're gonna grope another person's booty for the first time in your life... it's best to do it... with a friend.

But sadly even my gesture of booty groping of him to turn the tables on him didn't work, because instead of being horrified that a fellow troll was willing to grab his arse to prove a point, he was moved, utterly... moved, that a straight man would give his first booty grope to his might as well be best friend since in RL I barely know a lot of people, and he's the most regular human I see in my life other than my parents and twin brother.

So when I went to this party at Scratchy's friends' new pad, I decided that after two hours of waiting around before realising the TV didn't work, and my other friend Cooper would not be able to see Southland Tales like he so desired to the point he made bold claims to suggest it was like The Fifth Element, I got a little bored being the only sober man around and decided, "Fuck me, I gotta resolve this Unresolved Sexual Tension once and for all so I know for sure whether Scratchy was the man of my dreams all along and I was chasing women like a fool in denial!".

So Scratchy was dancing by himself with a Coke can in his hand, he drained it and put it in the bin. What happened after that changed both our lives forever.

The last thing I said to him before I pounced on him was "Scratchy (name withheld), let's get this over with." I then proceeded to grab him, in front of my horrified twin brother who looked on in awe, in front of the few friends I possessed whose jaws dropped to the floor, and make out with Scratchy's mouth as he wriggled to escape from what was essentially a game of gay chicken he didn't realise he just lost.

When we parted lips, he seemed to get the message that his constant groping of people had consequences. These consequences included, as he discovered to his horror, the ability for any formerly groped individual touched by him to turn the tables on him and proceed to violate him instead.

I'm not a rapey guy, I'd never force myself on any man, or woman - but this was a case where I had to make out with one of my best gay friends to prove a point. I didn't do it to be trendy like Katy Perry, I didn't do it for money while Yaoi Fangirls showered me with dollar bills, I did it because I respected my gay friend enough to tell him loud and clear what it felt like for his friends who sometimes felt uncomfortable with his groping people.

I did it with my mouth and very few words were uttered to drill that message in.

Afterwards, he was still my friend, as were all my other friends, because now strangely enough when me and Scratchy hang out now we got that awkward make out session off the bucket list, both our lives can go on as normal knowing neither of us despite our epic bromance are compatible with each other sexually.

I also noticed that a mere two hours afterwards, he's been groping people a lot less now.

I did not give the first kiss I'd have with any human being to my best gay friend in vain.

It was for the greater good, and I've done some good work here. Maybe now he won't grab people we know at the train station late at night when cops could be passing by.

It was one of the greatest Saturday nights of my life. I don't regret it for a second.

LOLWUT

Okay, that guy sounds so much like a friend from my chatroom that it isn't funny. The groping, the beard, the trolling...

edited 1st Jul '12 12:21:13 AM by MrMallard

too

many

woooorrrdddsssss

This.

I don't know what's more coarse and rough about Greek guys like this one, their prickly beards... or their economic credit rating.

Also I'm noticing one of you guys here lives in Australia too. I'm now worried I made out with the same guy you know.

I really should shave... <_<

not awake enough to process

bah

It's 4 am. Why am I reading this?

Same reason I am. BECAUSE YOU FUCKING CAN.

woahhhhh

I dunno if the guy I know is greek. I'm pretty sure he's somewhat middle-eastern...

Though I should ask anyway, was his name Shayan?

His name was Terry, dunno what his last name is yet.

Might not be him, but... at least I turned a troll into a tramp.

The biggest tragedy in all of this is that it was a party with liquor and even some people on weed, but when the highlight happened TMZ were nowhere to be found.

Not even Facebook TMZ were fast enough to Instagram that shit. The somewhat ogling ladies were left wanting more.

I love how you were describing this all in such dramatic terms. You should write teen fiction.

-head explodes-

All of my applause.

These are things I live to see(well, read).

I can't wait until The Webshow That Shan't Be Named catches wind of this.

...if this had been six months ago, I'd be way more shocked by this. God dammit.

TL;DR

Yup.

Or as I put it:

-Zoidberg noises-