Telling People to "Man Up"

I do not understand why we have these threads.

Might as well ask "why" on a number of threads in OTC, actually.

Because we can?

Because philosophy is fun.

Honestly I think I'd be better to say nothing rather than say that.

Honestly, calling these types of threads "philosophy" would probably make Socrates turn over in his grave.

Usually, the only time I or others use the phrase "Man up" is when it's a part of "You need to man up and face responsibility." Not so much a "toughen up" as a "hey, you got caught cheating on a test/got some girl pregnant/otherwise fucked up. Stop trying to find a way out of it and take do the right thing."

I still think the phrase is useless. Right now i'm having mini panic attacks about my future and such a statement would not help in the least bit.

You can add my voice to the people who have benefitted from being told to toughen up in the past. A couple of years ago, I was facing a very real crisis at work, where I found myself unable to continue on the dissertation topic I was working on through no fault of my own. I was considering delaying advancement for a year — or even dropping out of the program — but then a good friend pulled me aside and said, "I know you have a great idea for a backup project — why not focus on that for now and work out the details as you go, instead of simply freaking out because things are unsettled?" I was a bit upset at the time, but thinking it over I saw he was right — and it's worked like a charm since then. The funny thing is, the backup project was even better than my original one! (Also, my friend is generally a really mild-mannered, empathetic guy. It's just that he knew that, in this moment, I needed to be prodded to action rather than just to feel understood.)

Here's the thing: most of these examples aren't people telling you to "man up" in those words. They're offering words of advice or encouragement or trying to take your mind off of it. "Man Up," those exact words, are just the patronizing pat on the back version of "piss off," about as much use as "stop failing."

To take my own life into context, I've been trying to get a job for more than a year now to no avail. I don't know how. I know the process to a certain extent, but I do not know the words to convince someone that I am prime hiring material and should be hired. So people telling me to "get a job" end up not helping at all. Similarly, when I was trying to decide whether I should stay in a college which seemed to actively hate me, from all sides, including my roomate and some of the faculty, or go home, Had I been told "stop complaining and do your work," "man up," "suck it up," I'd likely have acted violently, as it helps not and completely ignores how isolated, beleaguered and attacked I felt constantly.

But a calm, logical explanation of my options, beyond "punch out my asshole roommate who my other roommate liked" or "leave and never return," or maybe an explanation of how to pace myself for the coursework, would have been greatly appreciated. By the same token, explaining how to even get an interview, or how to approach a manager to inform them of my interest in a job (because, let's face it, I'm no Obama when it comes to human interaction), both would go over quite well and would assist me greatly.

I could be misreading people like Barkey, but I think when people are talking about telling someone to 'man up' here, they don't mean just saying those words with no context, but rather expressing something like 'you know what you need to do — now go do it!' Just as I don't think giving sympathy means saying 'oh, I feel so bad for you' in a rote way, but rather listening intently to what someone has to say and responding to the details of this.

Well the OP didn't seem to mean that...

:/

If a problem could easily be solved by the 'sufferer' being less of a whiny bitch and actually doing something about it, then it is appropriate to tell them to man up.

A surprisingly large numbe of people's 'problems' fit that description.

'Appropriate' as in, yes I really don't give a fuck, please shut up? Cause honestly you should avoid saying pointlessly condescending things even if don't like them.

As in 'either sort your problem out or accept it, but either way shut the fuck up about it'.

Well telling someone to shut the fuck up about something doesn't actually solve the problem, it just makes them to shut the fuck up.

So it may solve the problem of you hearing about the whining, it really doesn't stop the person from feeling sorry for themselves, which is more important, right?

edited 8th May '12 7:03:33 AM by ohsointocats

Bingo.

Covering the problem up works! If you're a cat, that is... Not-so-hot if you're from the hominid side of the tracks.

I wonder where the British Stiff Upper Lip applies to this, I wonder?

Where it always is: aknowlege a problem, try to fix it, if you can't, there's no need to run around screaming and shouting about it... but, do continue to raise it. Just, not too loudly, or the neighbours will complain.

I usually do add a bit of context, yes. But I tend to turn away and use body language that says "This discussion is over." after I say it. If you kept bitching about how you broke up with your girlfriend on really bad terms and still had to see them on a daily basis, and how this stressed you the hell out, then I'd say "Dude, you need to sack up and just deal with her. Ignore her ass when she's being a bitch, and just stop being a pussy and ask her the work related questions, it's not like she can't answer since it makes her look bad."

That example above was actually roles reversed for me. I was pretty much paralyzed with anxiety over interacting with my ex at my job in any way, shape, or form. A friend made me realize "fuck her, if she's going to be a bitch I shouldn't be afraid of her" and I broke the habit and just let her hate me while I did my job.

I do use the phrase "man up," but only when I'm talking to men. It is usually followed by the phrase, "grow some balls."

I tell women to "woman up." And possibly to "grow some tits." I feel that this is less sexist, which is my biggest problem with telling people to "man up."

As for the OP's dilemma, I think that the key here is to have some empathy. And understand that you don't understand what the person is going through. And that if it were as simple as "manning up," most of them would have already done it. And even if you have a moment where a "man up" is appropriate, you could probably phrase it with more tact.

Also, start using "woman up." It's going to be a thing.

I usually tell my female squaddie "Grow some ovaries already!"

Technically speaking, testicles are basically overdeveloped ovaries...

I'll shut up now.

edited 8th May '12 1:26:46 PM by Ekuran

@Barkey: See, the only issue there is that not everyone is so good at dealing with those issues, and it seems kinda rude to just outright dismiss those who can't.

Also, I sometimes wonder how many people will think that others do not want to hear about their problems and not talk about it, and then use the solution that turns out to be the worst without realizing it.

Didn't we already have this thread?

Back in Yackfest, actually.

edited 8th May '12 1:55:02 PM by TheyCallMeTomu