The Cooking Thread

NEXT ON COOKING WITH RIGO.

We get the bread got to do something with bread. Are you up to the challenge?

^^ I had fajitas for lunch today.

"Allah may guide their bullets, but Jesus helps those who aim down the sights."

OOH THIS LOOKS LIKE FUN.

I'd rather make sushi but this looks like fun :D

I shall find an excuse sometime soon.

edited 20th Mar '12 10:03:54 PM by Aqueos

Bet you didn't see that coming

Rigo, I can make one helluva pbj sammich with the bread! :3

Devypu's~ Big Pony :3

Go for it. This should be a daily show.

I hadda turkey and cheese sammich instead. My versatility knows no bounds!

Devypu's~ Big Pony :3

I WANT TO JOIN IN TOO. Shit let's be Thai. And since this is morning let's be traditional fucking breakfast Thai. AWW YEAH. You'll even be taught how to make the traditional condiments so that soon you too can enjoy their wonder. But what is this breakfast I speak of?! Khao tom or, in English, rice soup. It's a very simple dish both in preparation and in taste which isn't what everyone thinks of when they think Thai. They think curry and shit like coconut soup. Odd and highly flavorful foods. It's also a very personal dish and everyone has their own broths and such.

BUT TODAY YOU SHALL LEARN TO MAKE IT AS I DO. AND THEN YOU TOO CAN BRANCH OUT AND EXPLORE.

So. Things you will need:

• Rice, preferably jasmine
• Access to water
• Chicken broth
• Fish sauce
• Dark soy sauce
• 1 to 2 cloves of garlic
• Some green onions
• Cabbage
• Whatever left over meat you have in your fridge or fish
• Pots 'n shit

So. Khao tom. First off grab two pots. One for rice and one for soup. We'll set up the rice first since that's easiest. Grab your nice mid sized pot, a measuring cup for dry things, and a measuring cup for water. These are important to having nice rice. Now. Rice types. You can use pretty much any white rice, but jasmine is preferred not just for this but all Thai food. It has a lovely taste and scent and it blends best with the food. Again though so long as it's white you're probably good.

To make this stuff scoop out a cup of rice. For every one cup of rice add two cups of water. Adjust the amounts to fit your family. We feed five on two cups of rice (which means four cups of water). Now stick this on the stove and turn the burner on high. Leave it this way until the water comes to a boil. Once it has started stick a lid on top and turn down the heat to low. Leave the pot this way for at least 20 minutes. Once the 20 minutes it up you should have a lovely pot of rice.

Alternatively use a rice maker.

Now. The soup itself. Prior to doing anything with the water prepare your cabbage, garlic, and green onions. Cut the onions up into nice little small bits and separate them into two piles. One you will stick in the pot, the other is a garnish. Mince your garlic or if you're fancy use a garlic smasher and whine about cleaning it. The cabbage just involves tearing it up first into large leaves and then those leaves into smaller bits. As with the onions set aside half of it to be a garnish and the other to be what you add to the soup. Cut up your meat if you have to. If not just leave it aside and be happy it will soon be out of your fridge.

With your stuff properly prepared take a large pot and fill this with water. About 3/4's of it you want filled with water. Stick this on the stove and turn the burner on high. Again we want it to get to a boil. But we still have stuff to do before that point. Namely stuffing everything in this pot. Grab your handy bottle of fish sauce, found easily in your "ASIAN AND ETHNIC" aisles and Asian markets, and pour some of this in. A good tea spoon or two. Fish sauce is love and you will use it for pretty much everything ever in Thai cuisine. Next the dark soy, again found in your "ASIAN AND ETHNIC" aisles. This stuff you don't want to use as a condiment. It's for cooking. It's also well...dark. And will likely make you go "WTF" if you ever do use it on rice as most Americans do with soy sauce. Pour some of this in. Again a good tea spoon or two. Now your broth because this just wasn't salty enough. If you have the little cubes toss two in. If you have liquid...Just dump a can or two in. Really there's so many ruddy forms of the stuff that I can't keep up measurement wise. After the broth toss all your veggies and meat in.

Now to wait. Get that pot to a nice boil. And let it boil for a good ten minutes or so. Following that get it to simmer, turn the heat down to low and keep it lightly boiling, for another ten to twenty. You now have your soup. To prepare the dish for consumption scoop some rice into a bowl. Then pour some of the broth over top that. Next you can choose to add garnishes and condiments. You can eat now.

BUT WAIT. I MENTIONED CONDIMENTS AND THE MAKING THEREOF.

If someone wants to accuse us of eating coconut shells, then that's their business. We know what we're doing. - Achaan Chah

PART TWO OF BEING THAI. CONDIMENTS.

Condiments are like...the lifeblood of the Thai dinner table. Yes you have your rad nah and green curry, but it's just not right without the condiments. You need things like little bowls of crushed peanuts and sugar at the hand depending on the dish. You always need them around. A Thai table with condiments is like a Mac Donalds without its weird ass spongy chicken that it makes nuggets out of. Which is to say hideously incomplete and likely not where I want to be because I love those weird ass spongy nuggets.

Your traditional and pretty much always essential condiments are...nam plah prik, fresh cut bird's eye peppers, and dried chili flakes. These are what we will have around for breakfast time as well. The flakes you can find at Asian markets. I've yet to find them in the "ASIAN AND ETHNIC" aisles of a grocery store yet. The peppers you may be able to find in a standard grocery store. You might not. You may have to go to an Asian market. If you don't they will likely be labeled THAI PEPPERS or some such since Thailand seems to have some sort of monopoly on the things in America at the least. You just chop those up into little bits.

But what of this nam plah prik? Nam plah prik is what I consider to be the definitive Thai condiment. It's everywhere. In all the restaurants, on every table, always staring you in the face with it's delicious smell of chili and fish sauce. But damn near everything smells of fish sauce in a Thai kitchen because fish sauce is the country's secret lover. Regardless this shit is everywhere and if you've been in a Thai restaurant you've probably seen it. Possibly tasted it. And if it didn't make you immediately regret this decision due to spice level you may have thought, "Gee that's pretty good. Wonder where I could get some..."

The answer is you make it. Quite easily. So stuff you'll need:

• THAI PEPPERS/bird's eye chilis
• Fish sauce
• A jar with a lid

That's it. That's all you need. Additional things include lime and garlic. Personally I say add both. They give it this lovely tang. This variety has its own name but I can't recall it sadly. As is I will be telling you how to make both anyway since it's just an addition of adding two more things...

So. First you prepare your things. Grab your peppers and garlic. Chop up the peppers into nice little disks of spicy wonder. You want at least 2/3's a cup of them. Mince your garlic. Now...lime juice. You can use freshly squeezed lime juice or just buy the pre-squeezed stuff. The former method has a chance of tasting much better, especially depending on what sort of limes you use, but the latter is obviously much easier. If you're going to squeeze cut up the limes into halves or fourths. Whatever you find easier to deal with.

Now grab your jar sans lid. Pour the peppers and garlic in. Now the fish sauce. Just...just fill the jar with it. I have no specific amount. I honestly just pour the shit in and indeed do this with most of my cooking which is odd because when learning I flip out and need exact measurements. Sadly I've never had them with this as the only instructions I could find said "FILL JAR". So..."FILL JAR" with fish sauce. And squeeze your lime juice/cheat and use the presqueezed stuff like most people do.

Next step? Stick a lid on this. Set it down. Ignore it for a week. After a week of stewing in this strange mixture the thing will become the delight that lovers of Thai food have come to know and love/fear. This stuff is less spicy than the fresh cut peppers, but you should still be liberal with your use of it if you're new to such things or don't have much a stomach for spice.

Add these, the flakes, peppers, and fish sauce fermentation doom, to things. Separately or together. It doesn't really matter. Each has their own unique flavor and feel they bring to a dish so adding all three isn't pointless overkill. It's part of the fine art of mixing various flavors/attempting to kill your inlaws with surprise dinner.

edited 21st Mar '12 8:45:34 AM by Aondeug

If someone wants to accuse us of eating coconut shells, then that's their business. We know what we're doing. - Achaan Chah

Aon: The dried chili flakes will be in the SPICES section of the grocery store, not the ASIAN AND ETHNIC, if you're talking about what I think you are.

...if you don’t love you’re dead, and if you do, they’ll kill you for it.

I checked there as well and never could find the sort I was looking for in particular sadly. Or maybe I'm retarded and missed it. Either or is reasonable to assume in my case!

Though that does remind me. When buying spices check the "ASIAN AND ETHNIC" aisle first if that's where they store the Mexican branded spices. They tend to be the same thing for less than a dollar...

edited 21st Mar '12 10:06:16 AM by Aondeug

If someone wants to accuse us of eating coconut shells, then that's their business. We know what we're doing. - Achaan Chah

PREPARE YOURSELVES

LATER TODAY

1 MAN

1 LAPTOP WITH WEBCAM

AND 1 COOKING THREAD WILL COME TOGETHER IN A NEW SERIES CALLED:

"THAT'S STUPID"

edited 21st Mar '12 10:16:21 AM by Jimmmyman10

Go play Kentucky Route Zero. Now.

ALL RIGHT FOLKS◊

LET'S DO THIS◊

TODAY WE WILL BE MAKING: A SANDWICH◊

THAT'S RIGHT

A SANDWICH

BUT FIRST, THE DRINK

TAKE A CUP, SOME JUICE, AND SOME SELTZER WATER LIKE SO◊. OH WAIT

FORGOT THE ICE◊

NEXT, YOU MIX◊ THEM ◊ TOGETHER◊

OH◊ YEAH◊

(Alternatively, just buy one of these.◊

NOW ONTO THE SANDWICH

Go play Kentucky Route Zero. Now.

1.) Take the lime

2.) Put it in the coconut

3.) Enjoy

The 5 geek social fallacies. Know them well.

FIRST, BREAD.◊

WAIT A SECOND. THIS IS STUPID BREAD◊

(At this point, the author realizes that he has just destroyed his last remaining bag of bread. All he has left are some round thingies that look like bread.)

UM... BREAD. ON A PLATE.◊

NEXT STEP:

BURN THE BREAD!◊ BURN!!!◊ BUUUUUUUUUUURNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!◊

OH WAIT◊

THIS WAS "JIMMMY MAKES A SANDWICH", NOT "JIMMMY BURNS STUFF.◊ THAT COMES NEXT WEEK.

NEXT:

PEANUT BUTTER.◊

WHAT???? NATURAL???

NO.◊ THIS PEANUT BUTTER.◊

AND CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESEEEEEEEEEEEEE◊STOP.◊

NEXT STEP:

edited 21st Mar '12 12:33:28 PM by Jimmmyman10

Go play Kentucky Route Zero. Now.

Spaghetti alla puttanesca (literally: "whore-style spaghetti").

Legend has it that this recipe has aphrodisiac properties, and that brothel-restaurants prepared it for this reason. I'm not sure if this is true, but they are tasty and easy to prepare.

Ingredients

• Spaghetti (in a pinch, I suppose that penne or rigatoni or even maccheroni could work. Do not, I repeat, do not prepare this with egg-based pasta like tagliatelle or tortellini, the flavors would clash horribly. And you may or may not summon Azathoth.)
• Garlic
• Olive oil
• Fresh spicy peppers (I find that cayenne peppers work best, but it depends on your taste wrt spicy food. The whole thing should be slightly spicy, not overwhelmingly so.)
• Parsley
• Anchovies
• Whole olives
• Fresh tomatoes (the fresher the better. Tomato sauce might work, more or less, but it just isn't the same)
• Capers
• Tuna (you can avoid this, if you want. Some say that it is not part of the "real" recipe, but I like it.)

Recipe:

• Fill a pot with the water for the pasta, and put it on the fire. Do not add salt at this point. This is Serious Business.
• Take a pan, put it on another fire, medium heat. Add olive oil, crushed (absolutely not choppped) garlic, anchovies, chopped peppers, some parsley, and olives. Poke at the anchovies with a wood spoon until they melt.
• Add the chopped tomatoes, and turn the fire under the pan at the minimum, and wait until the water of the pot starts to boil.
• Put the spaghetti in the pot, and add the tuna to the pan. Add some salt to the water if you want, but not much — the sauce is pretty salty already.
• When the spaghetti are almost ready (no sense in telling you how much time it takes, it depends on atmospheric pressure. Just try a few times — they should be slightly crunchy, but not really crunchy), drain them and put them in the pan. Add the capers, a lot of capers, and mix.
• Wait until the spaghetti are ready (which means al dente, obviously. If in doubt, take them out already. Overcooked pasta is a blight upon humankind), add parsley, and serve.

This recipe does not go well with grated cheese, don't even try. As for wines, go for a slightly dry, white one. Pinot gris works well, in my opinion; but just go with whatever is handy.

EDIT: I cannot believe I forgot to mention the peppers...

edited 21st Mar '12 1:25:52 PM by Carciofus

But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Omelas.

ARE YOU READY

BECAUSE

SH**'S◊. ABOUT◊. TO◊. GET◊. REAL◊.

SCENE CHANGE◊

NEXT, WE OPEN◊ THE PEANUT BUTTER, STICK A KNIFE IN THERE◊, AND PULL SOME OUT.◊ SPREAD THAT PEANUT BUTTER.◊

THE NEXT STEP IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. IT MUST BE DONE WITH GREAT CARE: REPLACE THE LID.◊

NEXT, OPEN◊ THE HONEY, SQUEEZE IT◊ ON THE BREAD◊, YADDA YADDA YADDA NUTELLA.◊

WAIT NO. THAT IS DAD'S NUTELLA. IT MAY OR MAY NOT CAUSE PAIN IN THOSE WHO STEAL IT.

INSTEAD, CHOCOLATE CHIPS.◊

LIKE A MAN.◊

IT IS TIME. FOR THE FINAAAAAAALLLLL STEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Please hum appropriate music. suggestion.)

FLIP ◊ THE ◊ BREAD ◊ OVER ◊.

IT'S A SANDWICH, FOLKS.

FOR SIDES, YOUR BEST OPTION IS OBVIOUSLY CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE◊NO.◊

CHIPS.◊

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.

THE MOST EPIC COOKING EXPERIENCE SINCE YOU MADE BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.

BUT HOW DOES IT TASTE?????

IT TASTES HORRI◊... IT TASTES LIKE A SANDWICH.◊

THAT'S HOW IT TASTES.

edited 21st Mar '12 1:08:46 PM by Jimmmyman10

Go play Kentucky Route Zero. Now.

@Rigo: You should cook some Carne al Pastor from scratch, not using that ugly-ass powdered seasoning they sell at the market. With Guacamole. Yum!

Carcio, spaghetti alla puttanesca sounds awesome. I think I'll try making that on Saturday.

Mura: -flips the bird to veterinary science with one hand and Euclidean geometry with the other-

My mother never used tomatoes or fish. And she used chopped garlic.

...Did we divide by zero?

Also, -LEAVES TO GO MAKE MANLIEST SANDWICH EVER-.

MY SOUL IS DARK BUT MY HAIR IS COLORFUL — Brahian Pokémon Alchemist

Eh, all pasta recipes have dozens of regional variants. No fish in a puttanesca sauce sounds strange: I know that tuna is somewhat nonstandard, but I am pretty sure that anchovies are part of the typical recipe.

And as for the crushed garlic/chopped garlic thing, wars have been fought over this. Well, not really, but I know that there is a centuries-old flame war on the issue I think that crushed garlic adds more flavor; but eh.

@Exelixi: I'm glad you like the recipe, good luck!

edited 21st Mar '12 1:40:17 PM by Carciofus

But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Omelas.

MOST AWESOME SANDWICH EVER.

Sure, I can do that later. Wouldn't want to use all of the spotlight now, would I?

I'm too busy laughing my ass off at Jimmyman's sandwich to think about recipes right now.

"I don't know how I do it. I'm like the Mr. Bean of sex." -Drunkscriblerian

That is not a sandwich. Its a MANWICH.

It's the most excited I've ever seen anyone get over a peanut butter and stuff sandwich.

"I don't know how I do it. I'm like the Mr. Bean of sex." -Drunkscriblerian

After posting that here, I couldn't really do anything for a half hour, I was so... OD'd on Ham.

Also, this◊ is my new face for everything.

Go play Kentucky Route Zero. Now.