I have several, actually. But read the whole thing (to chapter 4) before trying to figure out what I posted. (Not in any order)

-Yohanan found out who did all this near the end and scolded him for letting pagans and protestants and basically everybody else that's not a real Christian to use miracles, as it actually is the kind that Jesus and the apostles used to heal and convert people. (And for some kind of crime?) (Honestly giving people superpowers isn't illegal for now)

-Sadao's team stumbled upon another LAR Per group that won't leave them alone for some reason, and that reason is that they're searching for a mcGuffin in the form of Jin's lucky charm he got from somebody. (Boring)

-Maki (Yohanan's sister)'s friends went insane and she has to defend those who don't using her bone daggers. (Boring)

-Dzuhomi trying to show her worth by doing something? (might have Potential)

-Sadao's team stumbled upon a miracle user that predates the event. (Kind of good too)

-Yohanan finds a Catholic man that wants to, and can, remove free will for everyone, as he believes it to lead people to sin (which is right), yet Yohanan still tried to stop him. (Now this is conflict)

-Some miracles are more similar to Kabbalah and Wiccan witchcraft than healing and exorcism, and confusion happens.(?)

-Kenji, the physicist tries to pinpoint what laws of physics these miracles break (and succeeds, but spoiler alert, no laws of physics is broken) (yes, including Newton's third law)

-Some researchers got a bit of information, and contacted Sadao's team? I dunno.(???)

-Sadao's team finally encouraged people to create a few superhero organizations, which of course, disagrees with others' goals and blows the shit out of each other.

I would like to have a 'pick a side' event, where the audience can choose who to side with, and hopefully be relatable. Take note I don't want to fall to the 'multiple villain syndrome' Spiderman 3 suffered from, since I want conflict without real villain.

I also would like to make the audience feel like this story isn't the only great thing happening around the World. How do I do that?

Woah. That's a load. Thank you for the criticism,

-the story is set in a world very close to what we have today (all the technology, knowledge and religion, or lack thereof), only a bit in the future, as I said, 2018. It's supposed to be Kyoto, with all its urban and suburban areas. While visual cues should be obvious enough in a webcomic (of course), whatever conflict is going on is nonexistent at this point, so I want to let the readers know who these people are.

-visual cues? Yes I do. I'm not going to describe it here, though.

- as I said the characters are supposed to be side characters, so any attention should be directed to those who deserve it more (while the situation you mentioned isn't intentional in my part), but my writing with 'the woman' (Dzuhomi) surely is my fault, she's supposed to be an important character.

-The man (Yohanan) is supposed to be a better talker than Dzuhomi, hence the deadline scene. She's also supposed to be not as great as a persuader, as she's more powerful on the physical side rather than the practical intelligence side (kind of obvious as she overpowered Yohanan in a swordfight). I plan on giving a more detailed back story on how they meet, but I do not want flashbacks. How do I do that?

-the character interaction and narrative structure part is quite difficult for me to digest. I'll definitely try to add and edit these in later once I've gotten it all figured out.

And yes, I finally can pinpoint at which parts I'm telling, not showing. I'll edit it later, don't worry.

It's called a "hook": The author is expected to introduce some sort of narrative tension in the very first sentence of the very first paragraph on the very first page, or a lot of readers will stop reading. Obviously you dont introduce the central conflict of the story that early, but some sort of arresting visual image can act as a useful form of foreshadowing. Here's a writing exercise for you: describe, in one short paragraph, a typical Kyoto street (use Google to research) and introduce one discordant element. That's the hook.

The, a little later, when the first two characters begin their dialogue, you need to introduce another element that acts as more detailed foreshadowing. Fortunately, you have already created the perfect opportunity for this- if I understand correctly these two work at some sort of art studio, right? So what project are they working on right now? (A superhero themed one, obviously).

If Dzuhomi is meant to become an important character, then I think you need to change the way you writer her in this scene. The easiest way to engage the reader's and promote her importance is to make her the POVC in this scene. We would, therefore, be observing Yohanan from her perspective. Most importantly, we need to know how she feels in response to what he says to her. Is she intimidated, frustrated, eager to please, confused, self-hating, what? Reveal some of her feelings and the readers will find her much more interesting.

I'm a little confused, though. You say this is intended to be a webcomic, but this is written in the form of prose, not a script. The medium matters- the two formats do not use exactly the same narrative tropes. You can adapt a novel into a webcomic, of course, but you write a novel as a novel, and a comic as a comic.

A shortage of time means instead of giving chapter two a thorough analysis, I decided to read chapters two three and four quickly. I will be ignoring all spelling and grammar problems. But this means I will also have to ignore phrasing, and that will limit the completeness of my analysis.

Chapter two, approximately:

Technical note: It takes roughly four months to make a vaccine.

plaque —> plague.

heat camera —> thermal camera.

preventive —> preventative.

Three:

Technical note: Stock market crashes usually don't cause companies to go bankrupt.

Question: Who attacked the government?

4

None of the last three had any showing at all. They were solid telling.

You say that you can write a character's personality, but because you didn't show anything, no personality came through at all. If you don't show me any personality, I cannot help you with improving. But to start with, make sure you get their expressions right.

General review:

I have to agree very strongly with DeMarquis on a single point: This is the constructive criticism thread. If you are writing a comic, it needs to be in comic script format, so that we can critique it as a comic.

Without doing that, there is very little for me to comment on. Your plot outlines are fine. They don't contain any obvious problems. The plot ideas at the top of the page are also all good. I actually prefer the ones you call boring, as they sound like they offer the best opportunities for character development and exploring interpersonal dynamics.

The difference between miracles and magic: God performs miracles. No one else. If a person does something, it is either wizardry, or witchcraft.

A story where the main characters are mostly bystanders is known as The Epic.

You don't need to justify japan as a setting. Why would you?

Making stuff seem like it is happening around the world: News reports and gossip. I think you got this one.

edited 5th Jul '16 5:39:13 AM by war877

As I had said, it's a rough draft. I didn't even think about creating a webcomic until a little bit too late (my drawing 's still inconsistent anyways). I sure will edit the drafts to make a viable business comic script.

"Narrative tension" sounds really simple, yet difficult. It's as if I've heard too many people saying x or y the most important things that I missed basic principles of how things work.

I'm struggling with writing some or the characters here, they all seem like those cliche anime characters (I'm not even writing a high school harem anime yet the characters act like they're in one lmao).

Oh yeah, if you could list every cliche you know of (because google didn't really help me at this part) it'll be much appreciated.

The reason I would like to justify writing in Japan is that while I enjoy great stories and while some Japanese mangas are great in quality, as a non-Japanese I have to put a great effort in criticizing something (quite easy to mess up) about Japan so that I don't get called a weeaboo. This I think is bullshit, one can enjoy any culture without being called something (weird), except Japan apparently. Not like I can do anything against it. Humans, huh. This is exactly why I write around controversy, I want to watch people admire the equivalent of an giant shining solid gold middle finger directed to anyone that feels like they want to be offended today.

Just pouring my opinions in, don't worry. No need to respond to this one.

In real life, any phenomena must be researched and peer-reviewed many times by reputable people before it can be accepted as fact. If in this case, where everyone's supposed miracle is completely random (take note there are lots of completely differing types of miracle, at this point there's 3 main types) and there's little to no indication to which is which, how can I naturally tell the audience what's supposed to be happening (and also confirming it with well, research papers) without having one all-knowing guy spill it all out in such an obnoxious exposition manner or having to spell out what the hell is inside of the papers word by word? (Take note that while Yohanan is observant, he shouldn't be able to see and thus be aware of everything. He's a manager, not a scientist. That's not his superpower.)

Plus, I'm not going with what X-men did, giving disparity among people. The whole world can't just suddenly take their family members to gulag just because they get sick, heal and do weird shit one day, despite what those idiots say. Plus nobody can be sure what fraction of humanity has these superpowers, so there's that. Just so you know, I hate those urban fantasies where there are secret magical communities, hiding from human *ahem* discrimination? Like what mate, do you think any superior people would be afraid of inferior firepower? Kinda silly if you ask me.

Your chapter one may qualify as a rough draft. But your chapter two, three and four are obviously plot outlines. And that means they are a type of prewriting.

There are lots of threads here in writer's block and also over in world building for working with prewriting. Many of which are specifically about character. You can ask about how to build characters there. Creating new threads in both areas is in fact primarily done to ask for help with prewriting.

A Cliché Includes all tropes. Could you be more specific in which ones you want listed?

I meant character-related or setting-related clichés. For example

-lone dork male

-that one gay friend

-comic relief character

-tsundere girl and deredere girl

-high school

-high fantasy (elves and such)

-fanservice character

-mary sue (not sure if)

And so on. At least list off those you see a lot of in all genres, and/or things you're tired of seeing again and again.

edited 6th Jul '16 9:46:19 PM by legonut031

The way to cure that is to read a wider range of literature. Different genres have different tropes, so expand your horizons and you will begin to acquire new ideas that arnt so cliche.

Well, alright. I can end my turn now. Is the next person ready?

If you're sure. You can take a few more days. I am personally fond of even some very tired stereotypes, and love the huge variety thereof. Just look at how many there are Settings, Characters.

~Meanken, you're turn could be coming up.

edited 7th Jul '16 2:46:58 AM by war877

Yes, I'm ending my turn. Thank you.

Ok so before I begin, I should ask what the upper limit is for reviews. I currently have about 5 chapters done on the thing I want reviewed, and totaled up they are at about 8.5k words.

A reviewer will review as far as they can schedule. In my case, that will be about 5k words, unless there are difficulties in reading.

Right, ok. So, this is a fanfic involving a crossover between the Mortal Kombat and Soul Calibur games, where a character from Soul Calibur finds herself in the Mortal Kombat universe. I'll mostly let the thing speak for itself and worry about spesific questions once people read and comment on it, the first 3 chapters give good instances of character bits (The Prologue), combat scenes (Chapter 1) and exposition (Chapter 2). Combat scenes are my main worry when I write and what I would consider my weak point, I'd say, so that's the bit I'm most concerned about.

Here's the link

Wow. that is a hook. Congratz, perfect hook. Everyone else, take notes.

she had been perched on: possibly "had been perching" or "had perched".

This text is proving quite easy to read.

She looked down on: possibly "she looked down upon".

taking in the sight of his broken body and smiling at the sight of it. Possible bad self rhime with the word sight.

Then she turned to the: Then is redundant.

Even before her mind had been broken, she had always had mood swings, always in danger of going from playful joy to gloomy anger at any moment. This moment of insight feels like it comes out of nowhere. Is this something a fan will already be aware of? May want to rewrite to reduce telling.

perched herself up on a tree: possibly "upon"

It took her a while. —> It will take her a while.

and that was not easy. —> and that would not be easy.

Wait, back up a bit. Two corrections in fact. I think you missed a Timeskip? These need to be marked in narrative. This section needs to be rewritten for the cause of linearity.

Eventually she had managed: possibly "she managed".

In return, it has bestowed —> In return, it bestowed.

This entire paragraph has tense trouble. You don't use the past perfect like this except to refer to events before the events of the story.

Alternate fix, bring the rest of the paragraph into past perfect.

Same next paragraph, you jump confusingly between past and past perfect.

As it was, she was so distraught she was that —> As it was, she was so distraught that.

It had been given to her so that she could use it to locate other shards of her master. Who?

However, she had one in mind: possibly "She had one in mind."

A girl, who had been born with -> A girl, born with.

more tasking then she had -> more tasking than she had.

Tira has to mold her.: Two problems. Present tense. First use of her name. It feels awkward.

charge was reliant on only her.: possibly "on only"

exactly what she wanted.: possibly "was wanted"

She was careful not to keep —> She was careful to not keep.

Very strong. Did you say this was your first story? I will look at the next chapter soon.

edited 11th Jul '16 7:11:52 AM by war877

Various phrasing/Tense issues-I feel it'd be silly to say "Yep that makes sense" to each one so addressing these all in one, it has all been noted. Tense issues in particular I figure was caused probably by the fact I was in more or less recap mode for that first chapter as I tried to sum up three games worth of backstory coherently while not dragging it on for too long with irreverent information.

I try not to make things too complex as a general rule when I write, I'm not the most wordy of people in normal day to day interactions, so I have a tendency to cut to the chase a lot of the time when I write. My only issue is that this often makes it feel like I'm making my chapters really short and that it makes me think I'm not putting enough detail into things I write.

Indeed, this is a very big part of, if not the biggest, part of her character, and anyone even a little aware of the series and who she is would be aware of it already. To more or less very quickly sum up, she started with serious Bipolar Disorder that developed due to a very crappy childhood (which I intentionally skipped over in this recap to save things for later) which later developed into full on Split Personality Disorder due to her being a little too close to the two major artifacts of power of the games when they clashed with each other and the resulting wave of power more or less shattered her mind and permanently split it in two.

However, your complaint is 100% valid. Hmm....I feel like I have two choices, add the scene where the split happened to establish it, or work on slipping in mentions of it beforehand a little less suddenly.

I'm a little confused where the issue came in, I thought I did mark the timeskip? That's where the "This task consumed much of the next 17 years" bit came into play to signal the incoming timeskip.

Ah, I believe I see where the issue came in. The guy she went to serve in the start of the chapter, Nightmare, is more or less under the total control of the sword he uses as his primary weapon, which is a sentient, living blade, and so she views said sword as more or less her real master. A fact I completely forgot to correctly establish. Oops. A bit of rewrites of a couple paragraphs should fix that screwup.

While this is my first serious attempt at solo writing, I have been involved in various Play by Post Roleplays for the past several years both on this site and elsewhere, including one where I use this very character, so I can't claim to be completely inexperienced when it comes to writing. Still, the positive feedback is much appreciated.

Your writing style is engaging, your sense of pacing is good and I enjoyed reading it, but I think you have a tendency toward exposition/info dumping that you should work to improve. Start a scene with a description of the setting, then smoothly transition into describing character actions. Don't explain anything for at least a couple of paragraphs, and keep the explanations to a minimum. For example, there is no need to describe her mind as twisted, that's completely obvious from her reactions. It's ok to make the reader work toward an understanding of what's going on, just so long as there is some sort of payoff by the end of the scene (which you accomplish- sending her off on a quest is the perfect way to end a prologue).

Your action/fight scene in chapter one is a little clinical. You dont do too badly- certainly I've read worse, but the scene would benefit if you focused a little more on what Tira is experiencing rather than what she is doing. Don't say she blocks an attack, describe the sight, sound and feel of holding a sword while another sword slams into it. Blocking a powerful blow hurts, esp. in the wrists. In a real fight, every parry requires exertion, and therefore takes something out of the fighter doing the parrying- it's not actually a free action. You can easily be completely worn to exhaustion just by blocking blows. That's just one example, I'm sure you can find others if you examine your scene carefully (how does it feel to swing yourself rapidly around a spike in a wall, then launching yourself straight up in the air? What does she experience while doing this?). In general, fight scenes should be confusing, frantic and frightening to the participants, even if they are also enjoying themselves.

This has a lot of potential. Keep working on it.

Yes, it's the detailed descriptions I've always struggled with, I sometimes find difficulty taking an image, be it a real image, or one I have in my head, and putting it into words, and that's something I need to work on. I'll give your recommended method a try, might just need to really sit down and focus on it for a while. Same goes for the fight scenes, now that you've put it like that I can see where you're coming from and what you mean. I'll definitely take this into account when I get back to it.

Here for her CO, Jackson Briggs: which CO?

would be more then up to -> would be more than up to.

A disturbance of some sort. Magical in nature.: consider "sort, magical".

This is expositing about the portals. I don't think we need to know the second part just yet.

she dragged herself off of the ground: consider "up off the ground"

getting back up: this is redundant with the rest of the sentence.

and walked over to pick it up.: consider "walked over and picked it up."

Then she started looking around.: consider "She looked around." Then is a bad word in novels, I would say you should just straight up cut most of the thens that start sencences out habitually. Started is a bad word as well. Avoid except when introducing an action that gets promptly interrupted.

Take this opportunity to describe the majesty of the area a bit. What are the cliffs like that the bridge connects to? Wooden swinging bridge or steel monstrocity? Is there a waterfall or fast running rapids? A short sentence or two would suffice.

Bold text is a bold choice. You may want to tone it down to italics. Alternately, give the other voice italics. For more punch, I suggest small caps.

Then suddenly two very long blades came out: consider "Two long blades shot out". Then again, and also now suddenly, which is another major word to avoid. Intensifiers like very are your ace cards. They work better if you only play them rarely.

Okay, time to get to business. Combat needs to be done in one of two ways usually. Confusing, or short and sweet. In either case, fast, fast, fast fast fast.

Let's see... cut out "aiming", cut out "at her midsection", cut out "twisted", "then" —> "and", cut out "of her own blade", cut out "which was in turn".

"This back and forth", is an awkward transition to telling. Needs work.

And another awkward transition back to showing.

Cut out "seeing the move coming", cut out "while", cut out "to cover her move", cut out "This managed to", ", hitting" —> "to", cut out "although", cut out "did not appear", use cruder language in place of hampering.

Okay... Cut "continue", cut "suddenly", cut "covering the distance between them", cut "not expecting such a move", cut "for a few feet before coming to a stop", cut "However", "this" —> "the".

Um, cut "who was wasting no time in continuing the attack", cut "the attack", "then" —> "and", "Holding it up near her head" —> "with it", cut "aggressively", "Baraka" —> "his head" "striking aggressively with" —> "putting", "the blow" —> "the attack", cut "the much stronger attack" and the rest of the sentence, cut "however", cut "and was still recoiling from the attack".

Okay, I don't like your finish here. First, I don't properly see what she did, am absolutely amazed she could get in a position change and multiple hits "while he was still recoiling," how she got it to rotate with any speed, not to mention surprise that a chakram is sharpened on the inside edge.

Oh wait, it's not over.

Cut "pressed the attack by", cut "aiming to bisect him while he was still on the ground.", "then". ... ... Oh wait, this part was well done.

Tsung, who had been -> Tsung, who was.

Tira only saved herself from falling by managing to catch on -> Tira latched on.

Remainder of the bridge?

slice her wrist. As his blade descended: You missed a sentence, here, I feel. Slipping a bit too much into telling. Something like "he raised the blade, and brought it down".

Cut "made the unexpected move to".

collided with -> struck.

that had been coming off of: consider "protruding from".

Oops... You introduced armoured gloves way too late. Go back and insert a reference earlier.

Cut meanwhile.

and looked over at Shang: consider "and faced".

Tsung, who saw Tira: consider "watched as".

swift kick to Baraka's back: the second example of the phrase "Baraka's back" is redundant, as that is what people will read in their head if you omit it.

aiming so that he would be knocked off the bridge like she had a moment ago.: cut.

Cut however.

Thing is a word I personally adore. So it is with gread pain that I tell you to replace "swirly looking thing" with something better.

Tira was confused until she heard a grunt next to her as Baraka his the ground next to Shang Tsung.: I think you should rework this sentence to eliminate the word until.

and picked back up her: consider cutting "back".

So, combat. Combat is very different from video games to movies, and again very different from movies to narrative. The number of hits is way down from video games to movies, and again way fewer from movies to narrative. The important parts also change between the three styles. In games, it's about your choice in tactics. In movies it's about the details of where you strike and where you stand. In narrative, it's about your key decisions in battle.

You are in the position to be writing a combat ultra-heavy story. Duels, mostly, no less. This is some of the trickiest writing you could attempt to take on. Only really would comedy be harder.

This one took me a while to review, so I don't have time today to look at your comments on my last comments. Will do that tomorrow.

My notes on chapter 2.

Line 2: avoid from ... to ... to. I know it's done, but it has always struck me as ungrammatical. YMMV obviously. "Solid gold plating" is an oxymoron, either it's solid gold, or it's only plated. I know you probably meant that as in "solid colour", but it still sounds weird.

He said, vastly understating both how much learning how to time travel would help him, and the chances of him being able to pull off such a feat even with someone who had already traveled was, which even he admitted was slim to none at best. This sentence has several issues:
It should begin with a coma and no capital.
"How to time travel" > "how to travel though time"
How can calling something "invaluable" possibly be an understatement?
The was before the coma doesn't belong there, and there must be a word missing somewhere. My suggestion: "vastly understating both how much learning how to travel through time would help him, and the unlikeliness of him being able to pull off such a feat even with someone who had already travelled''. But then, of course, you have to change the rest of the sentence because the unlikeliness isn't slim to none, it's very high!
"admitted" > "considered"

"prevents your participation" > "bars you from participating"
"He said, sounding a little skeptical..." Same as above.

The general flow of the narration was very good in my opinion. I would have liked to read a bit more about Shang Tsung's emotional reaction to learning that time travel may be possible and that he may even be able to enjoy it personally. What's at stake for him and how does it make him feel?

edited 12th Jul '16 3:17:25 PM by InigoMontoya

Watch this space for my notes on chapter 3 (tomorrow morning)
EDIT: there it is:
Typo in the title: it's chapter 3, not 4.
"An out of the way tree" sounds clunky to me.
"That had hovered" > "that hovered"
"It was at that moment": not a great idea. Suggestion: have the raven briefly obscure the moon from her POV.
"They just wanted to be free to do whatever they wanted" Yes, but, presumably, all birds do! This passage needs some work. You could mention that ravens are often misunderstood, that for a long to time they were thought to be demonic animals. Also, both ravens and Tira are frequently drawn to battlefields.
"stupid-looking man" Show, don't tell . His words say enough.
"the hero, that is me" > "the hero, being me (obviously)"
The internal dialogue shouldn't have quote marks, I think. Just use italics, or bold, or small caps, as someone else suggested above.
"It's gonna me lonely otherwise": something wrong with this sentence.
"back into" > "back up".
Tira has a very limited vocabulary and generally sounds young. Juxtaposed with scenes of her carnage, this could be extremely creepy if played right.

Also, I find your choice of chapter titles very judicious so far.

edited 13th Jul '16 4:13:27 AM by InigoMontoya

About your writing style: It is good to be brief. I have the same problem with my writing, being short and to the point, so you will want more perspectives.

But the main thing you will want to consider is pacing. You don't want a story to come across as fast, and you have a natural inclination to be fast.

To solve short chapters, you should try to add more stuff to your story where possible, rather than more detail to the stuff already there. Adding more detail hurts pacing a lot, but mostly, it sucks the emotional energy out of a work, so this is to be avoided.

Stuff added to a work can be things like more plot twists, extra scenes to the start and end of a chapter, and new scenery details in the environment. However, most valuably, add more moments of thought. This last one helps with fast pacing while also helping to maintain emotional energy. More moments of indecision, more personal observations, more breather points.

Just keep in mind that such moments should not be part of an action sequence. But in narrative writing, action sequences should indeed be broken up slash separated with numerous paragraph long breather moments within the action scene.

Finally, don't be afraid of short chapters.

About details of your character: Don't tell us. In fanfiction, your audience already knows. Even in regular fiction, you are only supposed to tell if you have no other choice. Instead, let it slide. Wait for the character to do something that shows off the detail. There is limited value in saying things twice in narrative writing.

About the timeskip section: I would have to reread to give proper advice there. Maybe it is properly written, but the tense trouble makes me think a couple lines need to be rewritten.

At all points in the story, you must choose a time period for your audience. The default is the near future. If you switch up the tenses without some text introducing a break or a literal section break, your audience won't be able to place when events happened properly.

No, you established solidly that the sword is her master. Who gave the shard to her?

edited 13th Jul '16 5:35:18 AM by war877

Once again all the spelling/structure notes are appreciated and will be consulted very much when I go to do rewrites.

Yes I do tend to default to that word a lot, it's a bit of a bad habit of mine that I will have to work on.

Hmm, right, like I've said before, descriptions are not my strong point, but I should be able to write a couple sentences setting the scene, so to speak.

Hmm. I shall consider this. Had went with bold because I felt it represented that's voice's raspy, angry tone more then other potential ways to differentiate them.

A valid point at the end there. This is something I'll need to buckle down and work on.

Out of those two choices, I'd probably go with the latter of the two given my writing style.

Here she is more or less replicating one of her moves from her game. These are not series fully grounded in reality you see, like, say, Virtura Fighter, so that's a bit of necessary artistic license I think.

Ohh good catch. Easily fixed.

Noted, and part of why I am here for the feedback in the first place.

Could be a thing I add, did not want to slip into telling too much. I will consider it when rewrites come.

Ohh, I like this idea. I'll be using that for sure.

Again, all valid points that I shall be using and considering.

This is in fact exactly what I was going for. Glad to hear I'm pulling it off thus far.

And thank you, I do try to think of decent chapter titles.

Pacing is indeed one of my primary concerns when writing, and something I can struggle with at times. The suggestion to add scenes/events/internal narration is a good one and something I can get behind a lot easier then adding more, unneeded details to pad out length. Thanks for all of that bit, good stuff there.

Right, show, don't tell, got it.

Yes, I'm going to give that whole section a close reread when I edit and see what I can do to clear that issue up. Thanks for pointing it out.

Oh. That'd be Nightmare himself, before he got killed off. Simple added sentence beforehand, as opposed to a couple of paragraphs, should be enough to fix that.

edited 13th Jul '16 9:23:49 AM by Meanken

Um, you're welcome. Hopefully it is all good advice.

In this case you may want the oaf to stagger back, rather than recoil. It gives you more time.

I told you to cut a lot of stuff in the combat section. Each of those suggestions was made for a reason. To summarise the more common reasons:

• pacing is super critical in the middle of combat. If an attack takes half a second to execute, your reader needs to spend half a second reading the attack. So you simply cannot have sequences like: He attacked, but suchandsuch, she blocked. It has to be: He attacked, she blocked.
• Do not explain why something happened. Doubleplus important in the middle of combat. You need to run that through your head when composing the scene, but it does not make it to paper. The why is always to be a puzzle for the reader to work out. So you can't have sentences like: He attacked, but she was ready, she dodged. It is simply He attacked, she dodged.
• Do not tell what your characters are intending to do before they do them. This is saying something twice. Cut the telling, as the showing is usually better.
• Do not explain details of position that don't matter. You don't need to raise a blade to head level in order to attack the head. You just attack the head. Same with closing the distance. Same with any action that can be inferred, such as raising one's arms to block a head strike. Exception for being dramatic. And by being dramatic, I mean dramatic poses.
• Anti-purple prose is the name of the game in combat. Short words of germanic origin.

Tomorrow I will look at chapter three, but my strength is mostly combat so my best advice has already been given.

Chapter 3: This is the last one I will read due to schedule.

This is an example of exposition that goes against my 'eye' rule. You can describe anything the viewpoint character sees. And not anything they can't.

Note: Solid gold plating is quite rare. I also assume you don't mean solid gold electroplating. Do you mean golden filigree or gold leaf?

That said, a slab of gold table would be a sight to see.

On Tira, however, this was lost.: You have just created distance between the narrator and the viewpoint character. This is not distance that I have seen in previous chapters. This distance is not good. It damages suspension of disbelief if not done properly.

You are here widening the gap between the narrator and the viewpoint character further, and falling back into explaining instead of narrating. As fiction author, your job is to show the story. Don't explain what happens, show what happens.

If these are her thoughts, and not the narrators, you alternatively need to explain why she thinks there is a point to it all and simultaneously doesn't think there is a point to it all.

Then he raised an eyebrow as she elaborated.:note that she elaborated before he replied. so if he then raises an eyebrow as she elaborates, you have created a temporal doughnut.

It would be nice if the vase existed before she threw it. But it might be hard to work in.

who had already traveled was —> who had already traveled.

The rule of question marks. Question marks go after grammatical questions. They don't go after sentences that are not grammatical questions. Inflection is ignored.

edited 14th Jul '16 9:23:49 AM by war877