The Constructive Criticism Thread

So.

Chapter 1 of my story:

I've done my best to evict all of the ’'s that come with copy-and-pasting from a more dynamic text editor. If there are still some in there, tough cookies.

I'm mostly interested in character and setting right now. I want to know if the characters (especially the main character) that have been developed are compelling, from what you can see. I want to know if there's anything that I need to flesh out immediately. I want to know if you understand enough about the setting that you want to read more, or if it's too confusing to really be interesting. I want to know, most importantly, if the actions that have taken place or been mentioned as having taken place are described in a way that presents an immediate plot hole or jarring incongruity. Also, if any scenes seem like they should be moved, removed, expounded upon, or added, let me know.

Line edits (such as grammar or concise phrasing) are okay, but ultimately they're not really what I want or need. If you want to criticize my plot, I'm all ears, but that'd be a neat trick.

EDIT: Forgot to escape UniCal.

edited 8th May '16 3:50:26 PM by pablo360

READING NOTE: Grammar edits in green. Paragraphs with grammar edits are not indented.

I am really sorry. This review is going to come across as very harsh. I found some major problems and don't know how to sugar coat them.

Day 5249:

• This means that they are being paid by the government. Is this what you want to say?

• or: I'll be hunted down and shot.

I don't care, either. That's what makes me special. Nobody needs to keep an eye on me as long as I know better than to talk in my sleep. If the sins aren't on my head, then I can condone pretty much anything. And that's if I'm in a position to condone.

• blarg. Reread this paragraph multiple times to understand it.

• I feel like I am being pushed into this guy's head too quickly. I want to learn him slowly over time.

• Wordplay? Language.

...Really, what with the state of the war, and the fracturing of NATO into Socialist and Federalist factions, it's amazing that there are any journalists who haven't been bribed by one party or the other into keeping stories about Europe from leaving Europe...

Based on the sources we've received, the Potsdam bombings, the latest in a series of air raids with conventional weaponry, known as Operation Turkey Sausage, caused casualties ranging from 1,500 to 15,000,000...

There are some considerable atrocities being committed by our army overseas, but the only people who ever find out about them are the people who simply don't care...

• Our hero is speaking too plainly. (S)he should be a master of subtlety as an expert writer.

• Writers don't use certain contractions when typing.
• Stupid is too simple a word for a writer here.

• This is one of the most inexplicable policies I have ever heard. Hopefully you will explain this.

Day 5251:

Nothing to report. Normal Monday day at the office...

Day 5252:

• Last two paragraphs are perfect.

Day 5254:

• Cinephile?

• Morons, same problem, unsubtle language.

• I'm beginning to get a feeling of redundant exposition.

• This is worldbuilding (background material). Prime candidade for cutting.

• We don't need to know he's the boss yet.

Day 5256:

• Semi-colon seems unnecessary.

• Do we already need to know how long the punishment is?

• This directly contradicts the no snitch rule. It is also entirely against character: This reporter is pragmatic. (S)he would avoid reporting something if it is inconvenient.

• Did our hero insert this paragraph from the future?

• Then why did you consider not meeting up?
• Is the budgetary information evidence of something?

Chez Feu is a rather stupid place. It serves an incomprehensible slurry of French and Thai cuisine, paired with an interior whose sparse, romantic decorations successfully, ( if regrettably, ) evoke the sentimentalities of East Asian colonialism, together with all its questionable underpinnings and nasty foreshadowings of greyish wars and brownish indigestion. An anachronistically-adorned serving staff stretches itself across entirely too many tables with pompous purple patterns and emeraldine embroidery. And the calamari is always overcooked.

• The word stupid.
• The serving staff stretches itself across tables? Could use rewording. Do the tables or the staff have the patterns and embroidery?

As such, the entire restaurant was empty except for the kitchen and a table in the back corner where sat a large woman whom I assumed (correctly) to be Agent Lamb. She beckoned me over when she saw me come in, which in retrospect was strange; after all, how could she already know what I look like? The policeman may have described me, but he can’t have had that good of a view from behind the tinted bulletproof glass. Perhaps if it had occurred to me then, I would have raised a question; ah well, such mysteries do exist, and we are forced to wonder, frittering away our idle hours in fruitless contemplation of the inane. But I digress.

• We will be finding out shortly that the assumption is correct.
• Semi-colon. Seems unnecessary.

• Semi-colon. Seems unnecessary.

...I guess some question that Lamb had asked suggested to me that she wouldn’t react negatively to back talk.

"Naw, y'see, if someone’s got their grubby hands on an uncensored disk, then someone else's got to have provided it to them. If we jump'[em, trail goes cold." I remember breathing a sigh of relief. I would live.

...one that anyone will ever find out about, at any rate.

Interludium:

• This section is perfect up to this point.

• That is a very poetic narrator.

• A guy with no knowledge of the reporter is the first to assign our hero a gender. And it is female. Therefore this world is a matriarchy.

Other than the plot holes, some world building that was left in the narrative and an intense introduction to the head of our hero, this was a good first chapter of a story. Again, sorry for the sharp criticism.

A note: I did a general pass of your chapter without reading your requests. I may have more directed feedback tomorrow.

edited 8th May '16 10:10:47 PM by war877

First of all: I stand by the simple language used by the writer. Writers do often use unsubtle language, and this particular person is not exactly "subtle." They would use works like "moron" and "stupid," and the point of the diary (as mentioned) is to get it out of their system.

As for the rest:

• Yes. The government basically employs everyone (as will be very clear, but which the protagonist doesn't consider interesting enough to mention yet).
• Alright.
• Yeah, that's a bit of a mess. I think I can make it more clear by trimming the fat.
• That... wouldn't actually work. This person doesn't do diary about their personal history, and they're about to experience a major shift (as you know), so this is the only way to let you know how they view their job. Plus, the way it's being described is more important than what's actually being described (keep in mind, this is a diary).
• Wordplay. Alliteration. Internal rhyme.
• Subtleties are more important when you're writing something that you expect people to read. This is a diary, the perfect place for a person like the protagonist to be unsubtle.
• Apparently this writer does.
• Mentioned. This writer doesn't revise their diary for gourds, evidently.
• Yep. It's inexplicable. The reason is that the government isn't just a dystopia; it's an incompetent dystopia.
• Thanks (but that doesn't actually help).
• That sounds better.
• Mentioned.
• Yeah, but really it's the earlier version I ought to excise. It's a relic of an earlier draft where I was less sure of the scheduling.
• Yeah, I was worried about that. It does do two things, though. First off, it tells you the days of the week (remember them; you'll be lost without them once we get into the espionage). Also, it establishes the semi-dystopic nature of the journalism industry. Stories are not included based on research or relevance but entirely by a lottery. The DPMC changes the rules on the fly so often that it's a regular thing to check for early on in the process. This is important to understanding the nature of NANU. I agree that it's clumsy, but until I find a better solution, I'm keeping it.
• Well, the problem here (I think) is saying Chad Smith. We don't need to know the protagonist's boss's name yet.
• It doesn't seem out of place, either.
• What's important is that it's relatively short but still longer than seems reasonable.
• Well, the whole thing about snitches was actually to point out the protagonist's hypocrisy. When someone might snitch against them, "Nobody likes a snitch." When they can snitch on someone else, they get a good story. Also, the punishment for this crime isn't being shot; it's a year in prison.
• Our hero is writing this diary entry at the end of the day.
• We all get ridiculous urges every now and then but immediately decide, "Nah, that would be really dumb." Or maybe that's just me.
• Yes. It's evidence that DC is more powerful than it should by all rights be, and also that this dystopia has no idea how to handle a budget properly.
• Mentioned.
• The staff as a whole is spread out. Ah, spread was what I should have said. Also, "tables" is the closest word to those descriptors, so there shouldn't be any confusion.
• Right, thanks.
• It doesn't seem out of place.
• It doesn't seem out of place.
• Thanks; I was worried about that.
• Well, this narrator is... hm. I don't know if this narrator is a character or not. I just know that I wanted the Interludia to be poetic. Either way, unless it's a problem, it's not exactly an actionable item, but it'll be good to keep in mind when I get to the next Interludium.
• Crap, I assigned a gender to the protagonist? I didn't mean to do that. Also, people can default to female pronouns in a non-matriarchal society. Case in point: I accidentally made my protagonist female. (They're supposed to be not only genderless but completely lacking in name, precise age, and any physical characteristics whatsoever.)

I've made the changes that I mentioned making. I'll just post a link to the Google Doc here.

About the semi-colons. You used them four times. One use was correct, as far as I can tell, but the sentence had to be modified for another reason.

Semi-colons are only rarely correct.

I'll drop the issue of plain language, and stick a pin in it. There is something important in what I am saying, something that is not cancelled by the purpose of the diary, but it is not clear from a single chapter. I will say, I chose the word subtle specifically. I specifically do not believe the writer should become less blunt. I think the writer needs to be less plain.

As to when and where to include worldbuilding, the usual answer is never. Instead, whenever the characters reference aspects of worldbuilding, the audience is left with clues as to what is going on. I would say that the audience should be left guessing as to what day it is until later in the story.

But it sounds like he is writing that specific diary paragraph at the end of the book.

As to the harsh introduction to the writer's head. Is there any way you can communicate the opinions of the writer without communicating their mood all at once? Strong narrator voices are something to really watch out for. Even if you are only doing that temporarily. You can also hint at their opinions of the job even after they leave it. See: worldbuilding, above.

See, this is what I was afraid of. Everything you're saying seems correct, at first glance. Obtrusive worldbuilding is a flaw. Semicolons are the Devil incarnate. Writers use subtle language. It all makes sense, and suggests specific ways I could improve the passage.

Here's the thing, though: All of that points more towards a specific style than you would think.

I'll start by dismissing with your points about semicolons. I know semicolons. I don't like the intricate rules pertaining to their nonstandard usages, but I know them. I also know that, in every instance where I used a semicolon, it was both grammatically and semantically correct.

Now, about worldbuilding. If worldbuilding were as bad a thing as you think, then Tolkien would never have become popular. The problem with worldbuilding is obtrusiveness. If it distracts from the narrative, then it needs to at least be recolored. You, however, seem to dislike explicit worldbuilding as a whole. While there's nothing wrong with that (it is a stylistic taste, after all), applying it to my writing as a rule is fallacy. I can't trust you to distinguish between what you don't like and what is broken with regards to worldbuilding, and frankly I shouldn't ask you to make that distinction. With that in mind, however, I must heed your advice with more than a grain of salt.

As regards the percieved plainness of the writing, it's a mix of two things. One: I don't believe that a writer wouldn't express sentiments in plain language in their own diary, especially when they're plain sentiments. Nothing about what's written seems too plebian to be believable. Two: Even if certain elements need to be spiced up, I don't want to focus on that now. I'm still drafting, and I want to get through to the end before making any changes that have snowball effects on what information has been revealed to the reader - or even that affect the narrative style at all. I can worry about that in post, when I start line-editing.

That one sentence: Already, the protagonist's life has been altered drastically. The last few paragraphs support that. It's not a stretch to wonder what would happen if they didn't go; the content of the meeting could easily color such imaginings. Also, please use gender-ambiguous pronouns when referring to the protagonist of this work. The whole point of not revealing their gender is to get rid of any gender associations.

Lastly, as to the strong narrative voice: Sorry, no. Again, that's a style thing, and this book is basically an exploration of this character's journey - both the outer and inner journeys - through the eyes of a diary. If the voice becomes any less strong, it will either become my own voice (which would actually ruin the character's premise) or excessively passive and boring. There's a scene I have planned for the exact middle of the book - the only scene I have planned at all, really - where they have to make a major decision, and the internal dialogue for that won't work without a strong voice narrating. If it's really distracting, I can tell more of the story from other viewpoints, but I'd need more than one person's feedback to do that. Dealing with multiple viewpoints is always more difficult, and, as I've said, I can't be sure how much of your criticism is of stylistic elements rather than actual brokenness.

There is a reason I didn't simply edit out the semi-colons you know. Using them in situations that a full stop could be used in is permissible. Just not recommended. Using them in a situation where a comma could be used is better.

Worldbuilding: Worldbuilding is important. But you do not want to tell your audience about it. You want to show your audience it. Usually. This is a common mistake that is separate from style. Usually. This is what happens if this rule is ignored: "Too much exposition." "It seems forced." Usually, these audience reactions are not desired.

Strong narrator voice: It did become less strong. The voice altered strength in its crudeness from paragraph to paragraph, and declined over the course of the chapter. The paragraphs where the voice was most difficult to bear were the ones where the hero was commenting on the horribleness of the dystopian setting and talking about not caring.

Unfortunately, these paragraphs are frontloaded in the "hook" area of the chapter.

edited 9th May '16 2:58:28 PM by war877

Well, I guess I can see your point about the voice, but I still don't want to treat it as an actionable item yet. I do feel like a lot of that could be personal opinion, and the only book everyone likes is one they don't have to read. The same goes for worldbuilding, although I built it that way because telling you the next week's schedule was the best way I could think of to unambiguously show the calendar.

And as for the semicolons... you lost me at the end. Using them when I could use a comma is better? Do you mean using a comma instead, when applicable, is better? Because if I use a comma, I need a conjunction as well; the examples you highlighted weren't places where I felt that such a construction would be natural. I actually don't use a lot of semicolons (far fewer than I used to), but I do feel that it is often a better way of linking two ideas, especially when none of the coordinating conjunctions are quite adequate. Don't even get me started on subordindte clauses because if you do we'll be here all day. Not to mention fragments.

Sorry, that got a little postmodern at the end.

One last thing: I actually shared the first entry in the "Did the above poster hook you?" page and got a very different opinion, although I admit that there's probably a huge amount of sampling bias (and Law of Small Numbers) at play.

Yeah, I misspoke about the semicolons. I avoid their use, so am a little rusty. If a sentence split with a semicolon would normally be corrected to two sentences, that is bad. If a sentence split with a semicolon would normally be corrected to a sentence with a comma, the semicolon can stay.

edited 9th May '16 2:57:16 PM by war877

OK, I shall now pass the baton to zaqareemalcolm.

Did anyone else review your work? I really thought more people would want to review.

Frankly, I'm not surprised, although I expected at least one other person to step up. The reason I'm not holding out is that I do have other people who can help with this.

I'm really nervous sharing this, so here's the script I want criticism on. Don't mind the tongue-in-cheek descriptions that are sometimes there since I plan to be the artist too, so I didn't really follow the standard scripting format. The doc is 13 pages long but the script is for the first 20 pages of the webcomic.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/17jUbhiFl4RvezURL94IsToaaMchhs8vBs3irSAtC2Ec/edit?usp=sharing

I have three main concerns about the script. I want to know if the pacing of the story is going too fast or too slow, because I plan to wrap up the entire story in five 20-page chapters. Another thing I'm concerned about is the whether the story has a good hook or if it comes off as being needlessly melodramatic.

Lastly, concerning dialogue and characters: is my dialogue too straight to the point? Consequently, are the characters bland as a result? Another worry about dialogue I have is whether the use of contractions and slang may make it hard for readers to understand, especially at the beginning since I sprinkled some of it for readers to guess where the initial setting is. Of course, if you need to point out other flaws I've overlooked, go ahead.

edited 18th May '16 2:10:30 AM by zaqareemalcolm

I made some comments on the document in more detail, but to summarize my answers to your questions:

1. The pacing seems okay so far. In Three-Act Structure terms, this could make a nice act one. The problem: You haven't given enough content to follow it with a good Act 2. Add a scene very, very early on that gives Wendy more characterization.
2. I wouldn't worry about the hook (I myself was hooked), as focusing too much on that can often spoil the rest of the story. Melodrama is a pertinent issue, however; Wendy clearly feels more emotions than simply sorrow over the death of her parents, but we're not shown it in great detail. The key to avoiding melodrama is inserting a believable robustness into the more intense characters. Add a scene very, very early on that gives Wendy more characterization.
3. The dialogue is actually not as snappy as you think. It doesn't sound like how people talk, but it sounds like how they could talk, which is really the goal in writing dialogue in fiction. The only places where it feels rushed is when people (normally Wendy) move on from a topic with an unforeseen robustness. It's not bad, but it needs to be in character; we need to see that she has that sort of emotional maturity. Add a scene very, very early on that gives Wendy more characterization.

Also, what happened to Clara?

I have never read a comic script before. This is cool.

I want to say I am not seeing any problem with bland prose here or any problem with a hook in the first few pages.

the previous line was talking to the old lady. This one is an internal thought that escaped. I would put at least a panel break between them, or rewrite a line.

Wendy's character: A lot of her lines of dialogue are unbelievable. But I can't tell yet if this is just rushed pacing and umm... Or if she just has a really weird personality.

Like I'm getting a really strong animé vibe from her character.

I did get some rushed feeling between the introduction of the old lady and getting the necklace. Maybe add two extra pages and some more dialogue? This ties back to the unrealistic dialogue feel I am getting.

Starting at page six, this comic is getting ridiculously good. Through page 12.

I feel the friendship between Wendy and the stranger forms way too quickly. I'd probably try to cram more dialogue into Wendy, before realising that that doesn't work. This again ties back to her unbelievable dialogue. I don't think there is any way around this unnaturally fast friendship. And stretching out their introduction to each other probably will not help.

Thanks for the responses!

I'm taking your feedback to heart, and I've considered making the chapters longer by at least 5 pages to help establish Wendy's character and make her reactions a bit more believable or easier to digest. Actually, the whole "Shakespeare 5-Acts" thing is a coincidence (never read Shakespeare until just recently with "The Tempest" as part of my college requirements), it was originally going to be four 20-page chapters long for symbolism but I thought it was way too short for the whole plot.

I think one way I could give Wendy some character that is a scene showing her as someone intereseted in the supernatural and/or arcane. Part of the influence of the story are the "Alice In Wonderland" kind of stories (like Coraline) so I was trying to establish that she's balancing her skepticism with curiosity, and that she's still for all intents and purposes a regular girl by the first chapter. I'll give her the tools to better handle herself in the next one.

Oh that part, I put spacing between the two lines to denote that they're going to be in separate but linked text bubbles, I'm sorry I wasn't clear on that in the script.

The "siao" thing isn't a typo. It's one of the few dialogue hints that the initial setting is Singapore. Though I'm troubled over how much colloquial speak I should use. If I use too much, then it can't be enjoyed over the Internet without a dictionary or a translator's note (the anime comment is even funnier now ), and too little means that the setting choice becomes arbitrary, which I'm trying to avoid since I'm following some writing conventions of the literature from that place. Namely, the cultural mishmash and a bit of domestic focus in the beginning.

And yeah I plan to address Wendy lying on the ground and Aunt Clara later on in the story. I'm also going to establish that Adrian isn't exactly friends yet with Wendy, though I don't want him to be unhelpful or an asshole either.

edited 18th May '16 6:58:13 PM by zaqareemalcolm

If you want her to be conflicted between normal reactions and those of someone with insatiable curiosity, instead of adding more dialogue, you can add small reaction panels; closeups of her face or eyes showing her thinking.

I did see those as separate speech bubbles. I think the thoughts are too different to really be in the same panel.

There are more options than friends or a-hole. What's his motivation? How is his helping her for him? Without an answer to this, one will wonder why he didn't go with one of the other options.

So it would be better if I introduce those aspects of Adrian's character earlier in the story?

Not necessarily. But based solely on the evidence of chapter one, his offering to guide her does not make sense. Perhaps this will make sense in chapter 2.

Also, you should restrict others from editing your work, unless this is not your master copy. Suggesting is normal for this kind of thing.

edited 19th May '16 1:30:49 PM by war877

Although we can't make suggestions unless you set it to "comment". For some reason it's not made clear, but suggestions fall under the same category as comments for privileges.

I feel like a super-symbolic four-chapter format could work, but unless you're a pro (and let's face it, pros probably don't get alpha readers from Internet fora), you would need to a) make each chapter be somewhat long and b) probably use a four-act format to guide pacing. The four-act structure, by the way, is exactly identical to the three-act structure, except the mid-story plot twist is used to denote a break between acts 2 and 3 rather than being an optional element in the middle of act 2. They're really the same.

Here's the thing: I don't see any good reason why you can't just tell us outright that this story is set in Singapore. There are only three times I can recall setting-as-plot-twist being done, ever. One is a webcomic called Fleep, and it's positively brilliant. Another is Planet of the Apes. The other is The Village, and it's Shyamalan. The only reason it works in Fleep is because the setting that's the mystery is key to the point of the comic (and it's a very short comic, so even though you don't find out until near the end, you still find out pretty quickly). The reason it works in Planet of the Apes is because the significance of the setting gives an emotional payoff at the end. Here, though... that's not an overarching mystery to any character in the story. Don't make tomatoes out of setpieces; it doesn't enrich anything.

Lastly, the setting is arbitrary so far, because very little of the action has taken part in The Red Dot, and that which did was not informed (in any visible way) by Garden City culture. It could take place in East Timur and not much would change. (OK, well, that's not exactly true. But it would be if I had said Portland, Oregon.) Maybe that's because we're only seeing the first chapter, but in that case I can't really give informed advice.

Speaking of setting: What mythology is the Neither taken from? It looks Egyptian (the only mythological figure you namedropped is Anubis, obviously, and Egyptian is the only mythology I can think of that would justify a dead human with a glowing purple wound complaining about their job), but is it? I realize this sort of question is probably tied to a big reveal, but webcomics don't really get beta readers or line editors, so this is the optimal time to fact-check, and I can't tell if there are any facts that need checking right now.

And if it's a homebrewed mythology, the nature of the afterlife had better be an excruciatingly clever commentary on modern life with a lot of unique, previously-unexplored ideas on the level of Terry Pratchett, because you don't have anywhere near enough space to worldbuild that.

edited 20th May '16 5:22:24 AM by pablo360

Well, part of it is just a "show don't tell" kind of thing, since I do admit that in the grand scheme of things the place is unimportant. I'm not trying to build up to a plot twist with the setting, but I do want to keep it subtle enough that the story still works even without what that setting is.

The other reason is a mix of author appeal and what I'm familiar with since I spent the first 17 years of my life there (to put in perspective, I'm 19 :/), so I think it's more of an issue of not having enough experience? I'm not really sure myself. I'm definitely not a pro writer at this point, so I definitely don't think I can give commentary and world building on the level of Terry Pratchett.

Which worries me since it is home-brewed mythology and characters, but I'm making a lot of loose connections to other mythologies. For example, the Anubis-figure I'm also giving him aspects of Osiris and Amun/Amun-Ra, and for Adrian and another character I'm basing them off of the various Black Dog legends. Though now I'm also worried that the story would suffer as a result if I make the scope too wide.

edited 19th May '16 6:21:50 PM by zaqareemalcolm

Oh. well that explains everything. I really don't predict that worldbuilding is going to be a problem for your story. I do not see a problem with an invented afterlife/spiritual plane thing, even if it only appears in a short story. This is particularly true if you are not going to exposition about it, as you haven't. This is also particularly true if everything is going to be a metaphor or allusion. You are going to end up with a strong genius bonus factor. The golden rule here is that the setting has to be consistent. If everything is logical and makes sense, then you are golden.

I say you don't need to focus on worldbuilding. Your worldbuilding seems solid. Focus on dialogue. Or body language. A lot of the appeal of a comic is the ability to clearly see the emotions on the characters' faces.

The only reason I mentioned worldbuilding was because this is a rather short story (hence a small space to justify/explain a homebrewed mythology) so an existing mythology would be much easier to use. And the only reason I can think of to include a homebrewed mythology without giving a lot of space for the mythology is social commentary. And that sort of thing is tricky to pull off in small amounts.

But I'm not saying you need Pratchett's skill level. Just his scope. And from what I've seen, you haven't really been doing a lot of social commentary (it's hard to do that when your setting is, as you pointed out, somewhat, so unless you include some clever, original commentary in the other chapters, it makes more sense just to use vanilla Egyptian mythology - or better yet, something tied to Singapore's history (like Chinese folk religions or the Hindu-Buddhist-Animist religion practiced by the Kingdom of Singapura). I'm not saying a homebrew mythology can't work, or that you don't have the skills for it. I'm just saying if you use a real religious system, or something based on one, you can let outside sources do your infodumping for you and leave more room for the story.

Okay. I was instructed to come here for advice on this book I am writing. Please what ever you see that is wrong please tell me. Okay so I've working on this for about a year it's not much but yeah.....

There are things we can't explain, things we can't know and soon we will wish we knew more.

The ticking of the clock was getting on my nerves, I was sitting in the library, well the back of the library. My long straight black and red hair fell over my shoulders, my intense blood red eyes glowing in the misty air around me. I wasn't suposed to hide, not in the library anyway, but I did as I always did. I was reading Dracula, I was at the part were Dracula was going to take the life of Johnthan Harker, when a voice drifted back to me "Ash Demtri Raven", I sighed and stood, the librarian, Felix, is the crankyist guy I know, he calls my name again " I'm coming, I'm coming" I mumbled. I rounded a corner and there stood Felix, his arms crossed over his chest "what have I told you countless times, Ash, your not suposed to hide back there" he said, his jaw tightened as he looked at me up and down,which was his way of seeing if I was hurt or not, I sighed, "I know, I know, and I am sorry" I said looking into his completely jet black eyes, with a sigh Felix pointed to the clock, it read 9:50pm, "it's getting late and almost past curfew, you should get back to your dorm" he said with a chilling voice, I nod and walked back to my dorm room.

I stay at Redious Academy, it's a place for fariy tail creature and of course nightmares too, I am part nightmare and part fairy tale, my mother was a Darkborn and my father is the Grimm Reaper. A few years ago, before I was sent to Redious Academy, my mother died she got slayed by a demon angel. I have never liked Demon angel's since they killed my mother,but that's not the only reason, I just have never like them because they never like me. When I got back to my doorm room, I sat down on my red and black lace covered bed, with a sigh I looked at my scyth, It was given to me by my father, I had always wanted to use it but I haven't got the chance, but I would, I would get to use it tomarrow, when I get to spar with a demon angel, I smerked at the thought of slicing that Demon angel begging for mercy. My clock red 10:00pm it was lights out, till tomarrow, as I drift off to sleep, I imagine the Demon Angel lieing on the mat, begging for its life.

The next morning got ready for my spar with the Demon Angel , I didn't know his name but what I did know was that I was gonna win, my dad had trained me well, even better than him. I walked a crossed the quad to the gym, when I entered I saw four guys, I took a deep breath in,Demon Angel's , I could smell them, I sighed and swung my scyth to get a feel for it. The weapon was long,sharp, and dangerious, the four Demon Angel turned around when my scyth let out a blood churning scream as I turned it fast, A smerk spread a crossed the palest one, he was tall, skinny, but strong, his black and dark blue hair stopped at the middle of his neck, his chin was sharp, and he had a killer smile. I rolled my eyes and with one last twirl I slamed my scyth it into the gym floor, the ground shook, but it soon leveled out. My eyes showed hunger and rage as I look at them, the Demon Angel who smiled at me looked at his friends and nodded, they stepped back their eyes never leaving me, they stood over by the weapons, I snorted and focused on the Demon Angel in front of me, "You must be Ash Dimitrious raven " the Demon Angel said to me, "Well I am Shadow Gage Coffin" he finished, a bit of pride flashed in his intense pale grey eyes. "Let's just get this over with you bloody Demon Angel " I spat swinging my scyth, a grim smerk spread a crossed his face as he pulled out a solid black dragon spine wip, he cracked it with a smiled, "And may the games begin" he said in a spine chilling tone.

He launches himself at me, I roll my eyes and caught him by the neck, I flicked my arm and threw him aginsted the wall, he got up with a grunt "not bad, girly" he mocked, I swung my scyth at him, slicing his chest, he jumped back and hissed , he cracked his wip it slapped me a crossed the face,it stung and bled as I growled and charge at him. I get four more slashes on him before he pulls some crazy move, he twirled around cracking his wip around my waist, he yanked on it hard the claws dug into my pale white skin. I fall to the ground, my scyth kicked a crossed the room as the Demon Angel lifted my head and held a dagger to my throat "your dead " he said in a smug voice, I close my eyes waiting for the percing pain to hit, but it dosen't, there was a high pitched wail "Enough " a man with a British acsent said, I open my eyes as the Demon Angel move to crouch infront of me "still alive princess?" He asked looking at me as the man walked over to us, I spat blood onto the floor "be glad you are " I say as the man aproches me, "back" he said, shadow slowly back away with his head hung, the strange man crouched down to me, he put his hands on mine and a great, strong tingling started to surge through me, he was healing me.

Shadow watched me with intense, worried eyes, his friends did the same, once the man was finished I stood up and called my scyth, which was in my hand within seconds, I turn my gaze from shadow to the strange man "who are you ?" I ask my voice shaky, at the sound of my voice, shadow stepped forward his grip tightened on the wip, his eyes glowed , the man smiled "I am here on terms of your father, my name is James Venix Grand " he said holding out his hand, I looked at him "my father?" I said paying no attention to his out streched hand, James pulled back his hand "yes your father, he wanted me to watch over you, here at the academy" James said, I snorted and nodded "ok, well, did you have to interrupted me? " I ask sarcastically, James nodded "I did and I will wait for you out side" James said turning on his heels and walking outside, I sighed and looked at shadow and his friends, shadow stepped to me "Meet me here tonight, don't bring that thing with you" he said in a low voice, I nodded "and don't bring your pets " I whispered nodding to the other three Demon Angel's, shadow smiled and nodded "can't wait " he said turning to his friends they nodded and walked out the door, shadow looked back at me, longing flashed in his eyes, before he followed them out the door.

I walked back to my doorm, it was around 4pm, James followed me "don't you have classes ?" He asked, I shook my head "no, the teachers are attending meetings for six months " I say opening the door to my room, I walk in James following behind "oh I see " he said sitting at my desk, I shut the door behind me "so how is my father doing ?" I ask cracking open a can of A- blood, I sit on my bed and take a sip, James winced "well he is doing fine, still trying to clean things up" James said, I nod understanding what James meant. That night after James had said his goodbyes and left my room, I grabbed my scythe, I ran a crossed the quad and into the dark gym, I walked around, "wow, you came " shadow whispered in my ear, I smiled "yea I did, so are we gonna finish what we started ?" I ask, a breeze whipped my face as his eyes flashed in the darkness in front of me "no, I was hoping I could talk to you " he said. I look into his direction "really ?, sure " I said surprised at his remark, I felt his hand searching for mine, when he found it he led me to one of the mats, we sat down a crossed from each other "could you put that away " he said in a soft tone, I frowned in the darkness but then knew what he was talking about, I layed my scyth down, I could hear the relief in his body as he relaxed, "so what do you wanna know shadow?" I ask him, shadow sighed "well,when me and my friends saw you walking into the academy on your first day here, we saw your scyth and well you,we knew that you were the fifth member of our group, so we then decided what we were going to test you on, Vexion suggested combat, so I wrote you that letter and had you meet us here. " shadow said, I frowned "why didn't you just walk up and ask me ?" I said looking at him, shadow smiled "we didn't want to be killed by your father " he said, I smiled "well, yea good point " I said, shadow cuckled, a chill went through me, "well, will you be the fifth member ?" He asked, wonder filled his voice, thinking for a second I nodded "yea, sure " I say standing up "good, let me walk you back to your room " shadow said, I nod my body felt numb, shadow picked me up and then everything went black but just before, I herd him say "good night my Ash ".

A month later

My head wiped back and forth as I mumble in my sleep, I shot up breathing hard, my hair stuck to my neck, a cold hand brushed my cheek, I jumped, "Ash?" I herd a soft voice, I pressed my cheek into the hand, I knew that voice anywere, it was my protector and boyfriend Shadow Gage Coffin "shadow " I breathed, shadow wrapped his arms around me and held me to him "it was just a dream " he whispered to me, he stroked my hair back, I settled my head on his shoulder "I know it's just it seemed so real" I murmured in his ear, shadow nodded "I know " he said, I looked at him "what time is it ?" I ask, shadow smiled "10:45am " he said looking at me, his eyes concerned, I sighed "today's the day" I said rubbing my eyes with my palms. Shadow kissed my cheek " it is, but everything will be ok " he said, there was a knock at my door, shadow looked at the door and sighed he hid in the closet, sighing I sat up "come in" I said, James stepped into the room "good morning " he said closing the door behind him "Mr. Coffin, you do not have to hide " James said looking at the closet, Shadow stepped out but didn't move any further, his eyes searched the room "he's not here yet " I say, James sighed "not yet, but soon will be" James said looking at me "you must be ready, your father is expecting you too be as proper as ever" he said, shadow snorted "what's that supposed to mean ?" he said, his eyes grew fierce as his wip appeared in his hand, I jump in "what he means is that I have to be dressed properly, in uniform" I say standing up and walking to my dresser, I pulled out a blood red blouse and black skinny jeans, I throw them on the bed "so, how long do we have ?" I ask James, I look at shadow, who at this point is backed up to the closet door, his body stiff and sharp, his facial expression was unreadable, James sighed "three days" he said, shadow closed his eyes.

"Three days?,counting today ?" questions filled my mind, I wanted to scream at him, beat something, three days wasn't long enough and I knew what was coming. I felt shadow's hands on my shoulders messaging me to calm down, but I was far from calm, "yes three days, counting today" James said looking at me, my face was blank "get out " I whispered to James, he nodded he opened the door and looked back "Be ready Ms. Raven, for your father isn't here to talk to you, it will end in someone dieing." He said before walking out the door, at his words my breath caught, death, someone was going to die, who?,why?. More questions rattled through my mind, shadow interrupted my thoughts "we have to leave " he whispered in my ear, my body went numb "we can't " I said pulling away from him "my dad will do anything to hunt us down if we run" I say plopping down on my bed, I put my head in my hands. Shadow knelt down in front of me "do you wish me to leave ?" He asked, his head down as if to show pain, his shoulders hung low, surprised at his question, I grabbed his hand " I don't think I could do this without you" I say, Shadow chuckled "we must train, three days doesn't give us much to work with" he said looking into my eyes "nothing is going to happen to you, I won't let anything happen to you, I promise " he said putting a piece of hair behind my ear. Smiling I nodded "so what's first ?" I ask, ready to start training. Shadow smiled "let's go " he said. We walked acrossed the quad and into the gym,were his three Demon Angel friend's were waiting.

Vexion,Shade, and Jace walked over to us "so what's the big problem?" Vexion asked, Shade and Jace nodded. I looked at shadow, he looked at the guys "something's coming, something big." They nodded, "We are going to do everything in our power and more, to keep her and everyone at Redious Academy safe, now we have three days to prepair" he finished, he stood tall, his body language clear, he was determined to just what he said. "So what's coming ?" Shade asked, I turned my gaze on them "my father, he won't be alone. He is going to try to kill us, but we won't let that happen" I say, my voice casting a eco around the gym, Shadow nodded and looked at them "Okay Vexion you stay here Shade and Jace, go do your thing " Shadow said smiling. Shade looked at Jace they hooted and ran out of the gym, Vexion looked at me "let's see what you can do princess " he said, shadow walked back "get him " he whispered, I smerked and tackled Vexion to the ground, he grunted and threw me into the wall. I hit the wall with a crunch, my spine cracked, I let out a blood crying scream. Vexion and Shadow ran over, Puting his hands on my cheeks, Vexion looked deep into my eyes, a hard vibration fromed through out my body, he gaze remained hard and solid as he let his magic run through me, I begain to feel another, more stronger vibration, Shadow's gaze was bright, his vibration was warm, and strong. I arched my back as my spine relined, I gasped as my air way cleared, I could breath. Vexion stood and walked way, but shadow's gaze stayed, he pulled me into his lap, I rested my head on his shoulder as he rubbed my back, Vexion looked at me "why?" He said is voice rough, I frowned "what?", Shadow looked at him "Vexion, don't, not right now" he said, Vexion let out a bitter laugh.

I looked at shadow "what's going on " I ask, Shadow looked away, "tell her!" Vexion shouted "Or I will " he said looking at me, I pull away from shadow " Ash, don't please " he pleaded, I shake him off "Vexion, tell me " I say aproching him, Vexion looks at me "Your little boyfriend is lieing to you, everything he has ever said to you,he lied " Vexion said, I looked at shadow "is this true ?" I ask him, my voice quivered. Shadow sighed "Ash I wanted to tell you ", I shook my head, tears filled my eyes, shadow had his arms around me, I shook him off "don't touch me " I scream. I ran out of the gym and bumped into Jace, who looked at me, once he saw my face he grabbed me "what happened?" He said gripping my shoulders, he shook me lightly "Ash, talk to me " he said, I begain to cry as Shade walked up, his jaw clinched as he nodded to Jace, Shade ran into the gym. "Come on, let's get you back to your room " he said leading me back to my dorm room. He set me on my bed and wrapped the blanket "tell me what happened ", I looked at him "you don't know?" I asked, Jace shook his head "no I don't", I rolled my eyes "is this another one of your lies ?" I spat Jace held up his hands "I have a feeling that I should leave " he said leaving me in my room.

I don't know how long I cryed but when I calmed down I looked at the clock, it read 11:49 pm, I sighed and layed down, I soon drifted off to sleep. Jace slamed shadow into the gym wall "what did you do,huh, you hurt her, when I left her, she was crying so hard, I though that it was going to flood, I swear, what ever you did to her you better fix it right now or I will." Jace said stepping back, "shadow, I have known you for many years, but not in my life, have I seen you so happy, like you are with Ash, she loves you and I know you love her, I can see it and feel it, we all can" shade said, Vexion and Jace nodded. Shadow shook his head "I don't think I can face her, not after what I did " he said rubbing the back of his neck, Jace rolled his eyes "go, talk to her, she needs you " Jace said, shadow saw what he ment and ran over to her dorm.

Shadow climbs through the whindow and looked at me, he smiled as I slept, he sat on the end of the bed "Ash, please wake up " he said touching my cheek, I open my eyes and looked him. "Ash before you say anything, I want tell you I am so so so sorry, and I hope you will take me back " shadow said, pain and gulit filled his eyes as he looked at me, sighing he stood, I grabbed his hand "shadow wait" I pleaded "stay with me ?" I ask. Shadow looked at me, within seconds I was in his arms, I rested my head on his chest "I am sorry, Ash, love so much" he whispered, smiled "I love you too " I said, he looked at me, my eyes hung heavy, "your tired " he said kissing me briefly then laying me back down and cover me up,I yawned and made shadow lay next to me, I cuddled to him and drifted off to sleep, shadow watched over me through out the night. Banging on the door made me jump, shadow walked to the door and sighed "it's not him" he said letting in Jace, I look at Jace, his eyes where blood shot red.

"Are you ok ?" I ask him, he nodds and looks at shadow "there ready in the gym " he said walking out the door. Shadow waited for me out side as I got dressed, when I exited my room, shadow grabbed my hand and we walked acrossed the quad and into the gym, I gasped at the sighed of gym, everyone that attends Redious Academy and more where stareing at Shade and Vexion, who were splitting up everone into there own group. Shadow looked at Jace and frowned but noded, he then went over to Shade and started to help them, I look at Jace "what was that all about ?" I ask him, he looks at me " I can see the future, but I can also see the past, I am still trying to figure out why you are trusting us " he said looking at me, I sighed, he was talking about my mom, I looked at Shadow then back at Jace "I don't know why I am trusting you guys, it just feels right " I say as the guys walk over, Shadow smiled. Shade and Vexion walked over to us, shadow grabbed my hand as they did “well what do you think ?” Shade asked me, i smile at him and looked at the gym full of warriors “ its amazing, but do you think we can train them and have them ready in two days ?” I ask, “ we can, besides they already know how to fight, we won’t have to train them much” Jace said. I roll my eye “ok,lets get started “ i said looking at the gym full of kids, willing to die for me.

The guys lead me up onto the stage that Jace and Shade put up, standing up straight Jace spoke “ Alright, now we don’t have much time, something is going to hit us and we need to be ready” he spoke his voice boomed through the gym, James ran up with a note “ it’s from Brooks “ he said handing me the note and disappearing, i open the note to read what it said : “ Ash how are you my dearest sister, i have missed you very much. i have gottan message of what father is going to do, i will stand alongside you sister but i must know your location. send it to me and i wll be there in a flash, i promise.” love your brother Brooks Atlis Raven : p.s i still call you cuttle fish

I read the letter aloud, when i finished i looked at shadow “ i must write back “ i say, Jace pulls out a piece of paper and a pen i start to write my brother back : Dear Brooks, i am fine, my location is Redious Academy, i know you know were it is, father is being crul, but when has be not been crul, i have fellin in love with a Demon Angel, his name is Shadow Gage Coffin, he is really cool, his friends are cool but some are cranky. i can’t wait to see you. Love your sister Ash Demtri Raven ps : well i will still call you Power keg

i smiled at the last part and folded the letter, a black falcon flew in and i tied the note to its foot, it flew off, turning to shadow we started training, the training wasn’t as hard as i pictured it to be, it was a little fun too. At the end of training eveyone went back to there rooms, when the gym cleared out it was just me and the guys "so, I guess same time tomarow?" I ask, Jace nodded "that's the plan "

And that's all I've come up with. Thank you for taking the time and patience to read this.

Wait your turn.

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edited 20th May '16 10:34:45 AM by CrystalGlacia