What do you think about the villain in the story I'm writing?

OK so I'm writing a story about college students fighting a criminal organization and the Big Bad (leader of the organization) is a college girl who first seems like a Purity Sue (extremely pretty and flawless, and very intelligent) but then she turns out to be the leader of the organization, who tracks and gathers evidence about high profile criminals and uses it against them to anonymously control them over the internet, and is gradually trying (literally) to take over the world. (she replaces the governor of Illinois with one of her "henchmen" during the course of the story). She is also an extremely evil, Complete Monster, like she is willing to sentence innocent begging four year olds to a brutally painful death (of course they are rescued by the protagonists later) and doesn't show any emotion.

What about her am I supposed to find interesting?

I think you're using too many tropes to describe her.

I find it incredibly difficult to believe that a college-aged girl would be the leader of a criminal organization, assuming that it's a world close to ours.

I can easily see someone with that many dangerous traits getting offed very early if she tried to move into any criminal circle.

edited 13th Oct '11 6:30:21 PM by OuthouseInferno

She mostly tracks down info about other leaders of criminal organizations, uses evidence against them to control them anonymously, and unites the smaller organizations into one larger one.

I'm not sure how the evidence would really control criminal bosses in the way you're hoping.

What'd be the danger to them? Federal law enforcement? Yeah, sure, but more often the bosses do stuff like simply escape the country and continue operations from afar. Or they retire and someone else takes over the organization. Other bosses? They already go at each others' throats just for existing.

And merging criminal organizations? There's usually a little something called gang wars. This whole concept will have to be worked really carefully to not have people disbelieving it all.

edited 13th Oct '11 6:36:01 PM by OuthouseInferno

"...make sense? ...be logical?" Finish your sentences, man.

Seriously now, I have to agree - this is certainly pushing my Willing Suspension of Disbelief in any realistic setting.

If she's that skillful why's she even bothering with college?

This doesn't sound like a believable person to me. This sounds like a collection of ideas that don't mesh well together. Why does she have Purity Sue persona? Why does she want to take over the world? Why is she willing to kill children and why is that even necessary? Why does she know how to control all these organizations? Why are these criminals in her organization following her when they can get better pay for their skills elsewhere?

I just find it implausible that even controlling various criminal organizations would enable one to "take over the world". What does that entail, exactly?

I'm going to answer my own question and say I don't find any of these things interesting, honestly. Come up with a character arc, or something.

edited 13th Oct '11 6:39:40 PM by Merlo

I still haven't figured out the details, just the general idea.

She acts like a Purity Sue (and goes to college) because it makes less people suspect her obviously, and wants to become the type of overlord that no one knows who they are because they rule through other people. Also she spent her entire time at high school tracking down other criminals, and securing her control over people. BTW she is helping the criminals as well by raising their status, so they aren't exactly forced against their will. As for gang wars, well I was thinking about her using that as an advantage.

I can tell she's probably doing this for the sake of being evil, but why is she this way? What made such a girl so horrible?

Motivation and justification for that motivation is an important part of a character.

She's been doing this in high school? That's even worse, in terms of believability. I still don't see how criminals would believe and trust a teenage girl, or why they'd respect her goal.

No, you're doing the opposite. "She has an evil organization that kills little kids" is detail. A character arc like "normal girl is driven to ruthlessness" is a general idea.

I'm just going to link you here.

edited 13th Oct '11 7:14:16 PM by Merlo

Um... it doesn't really come across as remotely plausible, and that's applying ridiculous anime logic instead of my normal deconstructionist thinking to it.

~shrug~

Unbelievable idea is unbelievable. I guess it could be done well. Not my cup of tea either way.

Having just finished "Evil Genius" I'm going to say that it can work, but your going to have to do a lot of explaining at some point. Like why is she there, how she is keeping crime bosses under her thumb, and for what purpose.

It's doable, but it's going to take some explanation. I think that if you explore the hows and whys well enough, you can make the idea work. If it were me, I'd just make the college girl a serial killer; much more believable. That said, a college student can double as a Diabolical Mastermind; Johan Liebert is one that comes to mind. Actually, come to think of it, Johan happens to be both, so it definitely can be done.

edited 14th Oct '11 3:59:48 AM by tropetown

My red flag goes up any time the words "evil" and "complete monster" are used.

^Johan was written by an extremely competent and educated author. Just because Urasawa can get away with turning a nigh-impossible idea into a plausible and memorable character does not mean it's a good idea to try to emulate that.

edited 14th Oct '11 7:16:52 AM by kashchei

I'd also like to mention that the setting and the characters are created so that they all can be influenced by him. It's EVERYTHING about the story that makes Johan effective, not just his own character.

, True, but I wanted to point out that it isn't impossible, either. Besides, he won't know if he can do it unless he tries.

edited 14th Oct '11 7:42:42 AM by tropetown

A good start, but you should make her Chinese, always have her in a Qipao and sporting Odango Hair, put her in charge of the triads, and make her older (mid-forties). Also she needs to have two sons, and both of them need to be moronic goons. One of the sons is obsessed with the deadly art of the nunchaku and likes to force himself on girls, while the other dresses well all the time but is a cold-hearted killing machine who uses knives.

You are welcome for my awesome suggestion, by the way.

Rule 1. Rule 1. Your villain's motivation should come before everything but the most general of outlines. It should be second in line only to the actual conception of the villain as an idea.

"I'd also like to mention that the setting and the characters are created so that they all can be influenced by him. It's EVERYTHING about the story that makes Johan effective, not just his own character."

It isn't necessarily that the setting is contrived so that everyone is simply seduced by Johan, but that he's shown to be an excellent profiler who selects those whom he can influence easily.

He makes do with a plausible setting, rather than the setting bending to him. And because it seems like such a thing can happen in real life, it's chilling.

Pretty much exactly that. Granted, as the writer, you have license to change this if the character ends up moving in a different direction, but motive is pretty much an essential first point to any remotely believable or intriguing antagonist. Seriously, even if it is "for kicks," what that means should be established as early as possible. Without motive, an antagonist is nothing. Literally.

Let's see. This can be played well, but you have to be very careful or you'll lose readers as soon as you catch their attention. Here's what I would do. I would have her be a genius and a sociopath. She belongs to a family of criminals, so that explains her jacked up morals. I wouldn't have her trying to take over the world, though - I could see her trying to gain control of The Syndicate though. Oh, and I'd ditch the whole killing kids thing - I can't see how it would play into her actual goals. I mean, yeah she's a monster, but what influence do these children have?

edited 19th Nov '11 7:41:58 PM by nekomoon14