I could just use a hug...(long, whiny)

That sound really tough. I have high-functioning autism/PDD-NOS/Some sort of autistic shizzle that no one bothered to give a proper name myself, so I know the feeling of maturing slower then those around you.

But let me tell you something: 14-year olds are not as dependable as you are. Teenagers can hardly take care of their own room, let alone an entire household filled with grief-struck people.

There might be a few extra hurdles, but I am sure that, if you set yourself to it, you can get ahead. This will not last forever. One way or another, things will start looking up. And I sincerely hope that you will find happiness.

Yeah, you're a lot more mature than you give yourself credit for. The fact that you seem to be coping so well despite everything is testament to that.

Thanks. Sometimes, though, I don't feel like I'm coping so well at all. I know it's not an absolute necessity to keep the house perfectly clean every second, but I let it slide further than I should sometimes. My room is still pretty much a mess, though that's because all I really do is sleep in there, the rest of the time I'm normally in the living room or outside. I guess sometimes I feel like I'm less reliable than I should be.

Admittedly, I don't know you, but from what you've said you sound pretty reliable. Don't worry about a messy house, mine is the stuff of cleaners' nightmares.

edited 15th Sep '11 3:40:28 PM by Wagrid

You're more reliable than a lot of people would be, seeing as you do everything you can for your family. Try not to beat yourself up over things like a little bit of mess, ok?

Having said that, neatness can reduce stress (yeah, I'm hardly one to talk), so cleaning up might help you to feel more stable and in control. Just try not to make keeping the house spotless another source of worry.

Sometimes when it's times like this...and it's 5 in the morning, and I haven't been to sleep, sometimes I feel a little darker. I get angrier.

I'm honestly mad at my sister for being sick. She can't help it, I know that logically. And I know she doesn't feel well. But I'm still mad because it makes me feel like I can't count on her. ...honestly, I've NEVER felt like I could count on her, not for any particularly negative reason, just the fact that as I've mentioned, she's kind of...well, weak. But then it's a situation like right now...we have my dad's family coming to visit tomorrow...maybe...and the house is messier than I'd like, but I've been so exhausted lately that I can't even bring myself to do anything about it. I told her I was going to try and get up at 8 to finish cleaning, I imagine she wanted to know because she wants to help. But she shouldn't be helping me, she should be resting up so she can get back to her job.

But at the same time there's a hateful voice in my head yelling at her. I don't feel good either, but I'm up, and I'm moving, and I'm not asking for special treatment, or even for a break, I'M just sucking it up and trying to keep moving, so why can't she? And I HATE that voice because it's the wrong way to think, and it's not fair to anyone to feel that way, but I can't help it, the thoughts come before I can stop them.

Maybe it's just that I'm tired and cranky? I'm not just an evil selfish bitch, right? I know I need to try to sleep, but it's like, it's just too HARD to go to bed. It's easy to sleep on the couch during the day, when the TV's on and there's stuff to listen to so I don't have to think too much, but then at night, it's dark and it's quiet and I just hate it. I've always been scared of the dark and I usually keep a light on, or my laptop on with some random little videos playing to make some noise, but they aren't working, they don't distract me enough anymore.

It's normal to just have nights where you honestly feel like you might be going crazy, right?

As a 26-year-old lifelong wrestling fan who was planning to get into the business myself (that dream died 2 days before my 18th birthday when my neck was almost broken in a hazing ritual during training), a food fan, AND someone who themself is going through a rough patch (it got better, but only because I somehow actually GOT help), I feel for you, and if you want to talk, my PM box is open for you too.

My situation does not resemble yours at all, but I can relate to feeling like you're about to snap like a twig sometimes. You seem like a very strong, admirable person, though

edited 19th Sep '11 12:50:00 AM by AnonymousUser

I don't feel strong and admirable. I feel like a psycho sometimes. Like the slightest little thing is going to drive me off the deep end and I'm just going to start screaming and never stop. I realize that sounds incredibly melodramatic, but I can't figure out how else to explain it. It's like the worst frustration ever and it doesn't stop.

I try to talk to my friends and it's easy to see they don't know what to do, so they try to shuffle things into another direction. It's easier to just come here and scream into the void, so that way at least I know that anyone who doesn't want to deal with me doesn't have to. I truly do appreciate those of you who are doing what you can to help, and it's nice to know that there's still some decent human beings out there.

I've finally reached the point where I'm going to try and take a sleeping pill tonight. I'm hoping just getting one decent night's sleep will help, and will ease a lot of the crankiness and bad thoughts that seem to have become prevalent lately. I don't plan to make this a habit, so don't worry about that.

I just wish I had one "real" (you know, not over a computer) person around that I could talk to like this. Sometimes lately I feel like people only love you as long as you can make them feel okay, and the instant you're too much trouble, you aren't worth keeping around anymore. I've had that experience before and it seems like it's coming again. I might be blowing it out of proportion but it seems like when you're the reliable one that everyone else can come to, that's the slot they want you to stay in, and if you try to come out of it and ask for help yourself, they don't know what to do with you anymore. Does that make sense?

I've never experienced anything like that before.

If you lived in New York, I'd try to be there to listen in meatspace.

And yes, I have felt that way before—but not in an imaginary sense, but because it was forced on me. I do know how difficult it is to deal with wanting to be helped but not wanting to SEEM so needy as to drive people away...

edited 21st Sep '11 11:41:28 AM by Metalitia

If it makes you feel better, I doubt the reason they pull away is because they don't want to help. Probably it's because they feel they don't know how to help. And that makes them feel awkward, and worried that whatever they try is going to only make them feel worse. Noticed I felt that way when friends of mine had close family members/friends die, and I couldn't relate to them because I'd never had anyone close to me die. My conversations with them were short, (I'd offer my apologies) and I would try to change the subject in the hope of getting them to think of something positive so that they could feel better. Now I have had the experience, and I understand a whole lot more about how it feels. I try to be there for them and talk with them about it if they want to, but there's only so much I can do, and part of it is that they're going to have to pull through on their own. It's hard to help someone when you can't relate to them.

And as someone who's grandfather (who I was close with) recently died, my condolences about your mother. I know it's hard on families, as well as the individual. You can pull through it though. You probably have more people wishing to help you than you realize, and you at least have us here on tropes.

Yeah, I worry about driving people away by seeming too needy/whiny too. Even with friends that I know would go out of their way to help and genuinely care. I don't think it's anything to worry about, going by here, a lot of people do it.

edited 24th Sep '11 8:44:24 AM by Wagrid