The Odd Lad
So far so good.
A bit of purple prosy. This thing, I mean:
Abominable, abominable? Repeting adjectives is a bad idea, unless it's supposed to be comedic.
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
Purply? Really didn't expect THAT out of all thing. I will be sure to fix it at any rate.
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
The Odd Lad
So why is your magic called argumentation?
Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up... But Is It That Great Now?... Also I'm Skylark2 now.
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
Do you mean Augmentation?
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
The Odd Lad
Yeah, faulty spell check.
Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up... But Is It That Great Now?... Also I'm Skylark2 now.
Because calling it magic would have been boring?
The Odd Lad
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
Yes but why that term? I think it's pretty cool I would just like to know the reasoning.
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
Mostly what said, but there's more.
In my verse, magic (let's not get into the terminology here.) is mainly used to supplement science. It can make buildings stronger and auto-repairing, make cars and vehicles more aerodynamic, much more naturally heal people (both physically AND mentally), and firearms much more deadly.
To sum, my magic can strengthen, augment, many things. Hence the name.
Besides, it sounds much more scientific than magic, don't you think?
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
I think, as of now, it would be better if I post exerpts abridged and anachronologically, because the first opening is just a pure sore to write well.
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
The Odd Lad
Yes, especially if you plan on getting it published some day.
Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up... But Is It That Great Now?... Also I'm Skylark2 now.
edited 15th Jun '11 8:32:38 AM by honorius
If any question why we died/ Tell them, because our fathers lied -Rudyard Kipling
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
Darn, I'm already feeling awfully humiliated. I didn't really think vocabulary was one of my weaknesses, simply because I never really thought about that one much.
edited 15th Jun '11 3:32:04 PM by dRoy
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
Ahr river
Too many adverbs in that first part, and you keep changing tenses. She "moaned" but "is floating in", she "abhorred" but "that keeps"
Read my stories!
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
It grives me to know that my grammar is far worse than I thought.
Oh, and is making a character a murderer who doesn't get any legal repercussion who is still sympathetic and lovable? He does feel REALLY guilty about it. Also, would it be hypocritical for such character to actively seek fights and enjoy their pain and thrill?
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
The Odd Lad
What were the circumstances behind it?
Life's Gonna Suck When You Grow Up... But Is It That Great Now?... Also I'm Skylark2 now.
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
(This would be a MAJOR spoiler, but oh well)
The said character (let's call him J) used to be a leader of a gang and pretty much spent his entire middle school years in suicidal fights (not that he lost any). In his third year, though, he decided to quit the gang after his cousin told him how his (dead) mother would be so disappointed in him.
When he announced this, the leader of another gang taunted him, saying how he would make his life a living hell. It was right after that HE was responsible for the major fire in J's father's factory, which injured him gravely. J was really pissed off and then the leader insulted his mother and threatened to rape his cousin.
He ripped his arms off and crushed his head.
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
Here's another snippet.
"Damn it, just a bit more..."
Ji Ho murmured inside his blanket. There was no loud alarm clock nor anyone waking him up, but he just felt the morning of his first day of high school coming. He checked his clock, which indicated 6:20 AM. Just about the right time, he thought. He jumped out of the bed, fearing that if he didn't he would fall asleep again, and headed straight to the small bathroom right out of his room. With the apartment being just big enough for him and his cousin, everything was within few steps.
When he entered the bathroom, trying his hardest to ignore all the undergarments hanging around inside, he checked the mirror. He carefully observed the boy with messy and greasy brownish black hair, faded tan, fatigue evident in his eyes, and decided that perhaps it was a time to take a shower after a week or two without one. After all, it wouldn't do to make an untidy first impression to anyone, he reasoned. He was sure that his cousin would be amused.
After taking (untolerably cold) shower, he got changed into his school uniform. The uniform felt a bit small, but it was understandable due to his height being well over six feet and frankly, how many freshmen are that tall, the clothmakers would say in their defenses. Still, it was much better than back in his middle school when there simply wasn't any uniform that was large enough for him.
He went to the kitchen and found her cousin preparing his breakfast, which prompted him two questions:
1. How come he didn't notice her before?
2. Why is she wearing apron and nothing else?
Noticing him entering the kitchen, Ye Yeon turned her head.
"Good morning! For once you woke up yourself, huh?" She greeted.
At this he just blinked. He blinked few more times before responding.
"I'm pretty sure I'm going to regret this, a lot, but why are you wearing...that?"
"I thought you liked this kind of thing?"
"There's just so many things wrong with what you just said right there. I'm a man of many tastes but really, older cousin is not one of them, I assure you."
"Really? Could've fooled me."
He didn't bother to respond to that one and just took a seat. It has been almost half year since he moved to his cousin's apartment and her making breakfast for him was no longer an alien site, although naked apron thing was a rather uncomfortable surprise.
The whole naked apron thing is just for the Rule of Funny and nothing more. Nope.
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
The story is fine so far, but there is some awkward phrasing in the first three paragraphs that need revising.
edited 17th Jun '11 8:13:56 PM by BetsyandtheFiveAvengers
The apron scene was... disturbing.
This is pretty good so far, I think. About your first snippet, I've found it best to stay away from repeating the same adjective. A thesaurus is your best friend. For instance, I've used repetition to indicate a certain fixation, losing one's mind, or even full-blown insanity.
Seriously, the first thing I did when I read the apron scene was cringe, not laugh.
edited 17th Jun '11 8:10:28 PM by CrystalGlacia
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
Yeah, I agree on that. Something feels a bit awkward...but I just can't tell specifically WHAT it is. Can you elaborate on that so I can work with it?
Darn. Still, I expected that because that's the first time that I wrote anything that remotely has slightest bit of fanservice or anything that adheres to Rule of Sexy. Still, cringing was not what I expected.
Oh, and about repeated adjectives, can you tell me about it, because I looked it over and over and didn't see any. Maybe I did, but I just didn't notice it.
edited 17th Jun '11 8:36:32 PM by dRoy
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
Sure. There are some phrasing issues:
The way these two are set up is awkward. They would read better if they were reversed, like: "He felt the first day of high school coming, though there was no loud alarm clock to wake him into the reality," or something like that. If you feel that something you are writing is a bit "off," try reading it aloud to see how it sounds.
Both of those sentences are run-ons with too many descriptions. I understand what you are doing—trying to finesse you way into describing the character's appearance without infodumping—and it can work if you break the sentences up a bit, smooth them out, and delete some of the details, such as Ji's trouble finding a uniform to fit in middle school.
You also need to proofread. There are a few words missing in the latter half of the excerpt.
edited 17th Jun '11 8:53:08 PM by BetsyandtheFiveAvengers
Professional Writer & Amateur Scholar
Ah, thanks! Will work on that. About proofread...I don't have any clue on that one. Oh, and it's Jiho, not Ji. His last name is Cheui (that's the closest to pronouncing 최 in English).
Heh, like I said earlier, what I am writing right now is the first actual writing of the story, not just the draft. I got to say, I am quite daunted by the prospect of having Slice of Life part for at least a hundred pages or two before real plot kicks off.
edited 17th Jun '11 9:13:45 PM by dRoy
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.
Oops. Sorry, I didn't mean to get his name wrong. Noted.
Proofreading is just going back over what you've written and checking for spelling, grammar, or syntax errors. I thought that you might have missed a few things as you were posting, but I could be wrong.
And, if the pacing is good and the story is interesting, the Slice of Life sections should not be a problem.
Hello everyone, dRoy here. Yes, I'm the pesky nutjob who has been spamming the thread for a long time. I'm quite sure that there are many of you who know me and exactly what kind of story that I'm planning to write and some of you probably even told me to just start writing the damn thing already (you know who you are).
Basic summary would be good; The Flow is a multi genre Urban Fantasy light novel, set in 2030 South Korea. Since English is not my first language (not that I'm any better in my original language either), so there might be some grammar issues and awkward expressions, but I hope that you can all bear with it.
So here I go.
The Flow
Chapter 1
It hurts...
An exhausted girl moaned mentally, tiredly looking at the sickly blue liquid that she is floating in and dozens of needles in her body injecting varieties of nauseating drugs. She abhorred the elements in her life that keeps her unwanted life going.
The liquid felt so strange and uncomfortable while smelling like anticeptics but only much stronger and nauseating, molesting her naked body's skin wherever it is damaged. The needles she abhorred even more; it injected curative drugs inside her body directly, flowing throw her entire body, patching up broken muscle and bone tissues forcibly and as painfully as possible.
Even though it has been over seven years, the pain, both during and after each training sessions, is not something she can ever get used to.
She let her mind wander around and stared at the ceiling.
The day after tomorrow...I'll be going to school. Would this wretched life change? Will I...ever meet him again?
edited 15th Jun '11 2:39:52 AM by dRoy
I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.