bump, please read...
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Góðberit Norðling
What's the plot, genre, and longevity of this?
The plot: Espers are summoned by Magus, who are more or less a secret group within modern society, Queen Anathema is a Dimension Lord who wants the Holy Artifacts so she can revive the heart of her lover, King Chaos, and there are multiple factions within the above. The Genre is basically Urban Fantasy Science Fiction which really should be an anime / manga.
Small details: as revealed in Chapter 2, when Espers fight, the Muggles see nothing. Matthew is no Muggle, due to his Spell Core he got from...someone who I do not intend to reveal yet.
edited 7th Mar '11 3:53:15 PM by NickTheSwing
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(That Guy You Met Once)
Is this a Fan W Ork (as is says on the story page) or an original fic? Because that will change the way I see it. Assuming it's original:
- Matt's a pretty obvious Stu (unless you're planning on subverting this later on).
- "He had reduced taken on seven of the toughest gangsters in his class..."I would have fixed that for you, but editing other peoples' work without permission is kind of a dick move IMO.
- Why are there so many Japanese characters in a Cali high school?
Edit:
- Shuji is kind of a ridiculous comic book villain. I can't help but imagine him talking like #47.
edited 9th Mar '11 10:28:47 PM by Wheezy
Project progress: The Adroan (102k words), The Pigeon Witch, (40k). Done but in need of reworking: Yume Hime, (50k)
He is forcing himself to be a Marty Stu. Its a part of how massively f*cked up in the head he is. He feels he needs to be perfect to honor his dead father's memories. This bites him in the ass. its a subversion. A really sad, tragic subversion.
Fixed the grammar
Destiny says so. That, and reincarnation working in really odd ways.
As for Shuji, I will change some of his interactions and give him more meaningful dialogue. But his being a Stupid Evil stuck up prick is his defining trait. I want you to hate his guts.
edited 9th Mar '11 10:33:25 PM by NickTheSwing
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(That Guy You Met Once)
The problem isn't that he's a douche, it's that the way he talks is stilted and Bond villain-y. It can be fixed, though.
edited 9th Mar '11 10:46:58 PM by Wheezy
Project progress: The Adroan (102k words), The Pigeon Witch, (40k). Done but in need of reworking: Yume Hime, (50k)
alright, I tried to correct him, and now he is a rich heir, and a stuck up male chauvinist douche and possible rapist.
edited 9th Mar '11 10:52:59 PM by NickTheSwing
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Isn't this ah, a wee bit similar to Fate Stay Night?
IMO, the name "Magus" is quite dangerous thar, copyright-wise.
edited 10th Mar '11 4:54:41 AM by ArgeusthePaladin
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While Matthew does evoke Shirou's look, the story is an original idea. I will not lie that Matthew is slightly influenced by Shirou, but what Matthew has is a personality disorder where he takes on qualities from people that he likes. Before dad came along, he was The Stoic and yet a somewhat spoiled brat because he thought Shuuji was cool. The villains definitely intend to use this to their advantage.
And I just have a thing for making my villains repulsively evil like Shuuji is. Though Shuuji actually gets better from being an unrepentent evil bastard.
Magus will be altered to something else. Any ideas?
As for the villains, Anathema is the Big Bad for certain...or is she?
edited 10th Mar '11 5:03:45 PM by NickTheSwing
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Um, wow. This is by far the most blatant Fate Stay Night rip-off I've ever seen. Ignoring the fact that Espers being summoned by magic-users sounds suspiciously similar to the Servant ritual (although that would have been easily written off as a coincidence on its own), the few characters you have introduced are pretty clearly taken directly from Fate Stay Night.
For example, let's look at Matthew:
Ever since the incident, Matthew had gained his new father's concepts and morality: defend the weak, never hurt someone who does not deserve it, and no matter what, if someone needs help, help them. It was an oath Matthew kept to himself, and one he would never let himself break. Because then, he would have betrayed his father's memories.
So, personality-wise, he's exactly the same, and aside from replacing "Fire which burned down half of Fuyuki City" with "Abusive father and vague accident", you've literally got Shirou's entire backstory copied here.
She smiled a little, "Your ideals...no. Your father's ideals, yes."
Mathew seemed a little shocked, his eyes widening, "W-What do you mean?"
Ilyana smiled, her demeanor perfectly serene, "What do I mean...what I mean is this...do you have any real goal besides one set for you? Has your life a meaning besides one your father seemed to indoctrinate in you?"
Matthew felt a tug of anger, but also a nagging sense of horror in his gut. Was she...right? He managed to say, "Ilyana, I think you should be getting home..."
She waved at him, walking away, "Bye bye, Man with the borrowed morals."
This passage is actually copied almost word for word from a scene between Shirou and Ilya in Fate Stay Night. Interesting coincidence that the character talking to Matthew is named "Ilyana".
Anyway, on to Shinji Matou Shuuji:
You know, I was going to leave this to just pointing out the parts taken from FSN, but I have to ask: Does anyone actually talk like this in real life? Because if so, I've never met them. Actually, Wheezy made a good point earlier when he said that he sounds like a Bond villain. He's so over the top that it almost loops back around to being funny. But I digress...
So he's Shinji Matou?
...So he's Shinji Matou if he were a hammy supervillain?
So he's back to being Shinji Matou again?
She asked, “Please explain those to me, so I can make sure to know what to expect.”
Matthew decided to explain, despite getting a distinctly militaristic feel from her, “Defend the weak, never hurt someone who does not deserve it, and no matter what, if someone needs help, help them...that is my code. My way of living.”
Sorata looked down, “That is...a really admirable code to aspire to, Matthew...but isn't it a bit lofty? How can you defend everyone that needs defending? Are you strong enough for that?”
He looked at her with that infectious smile that seemed to spread to her face now too, “Thanks...I know its impossible to defend everyone, but I will always try and I will never lose my determination to live up to my ideals.”
She chuckled, “You know something's impossible...and you want to try it anyway...” Images flashed through Sorata's head of a certain man from her past, and how he wound up, and she cried a little.
Congratulations. You have just summarized every conversation Shirou and Archer ever have in the entirety of FSN, except it only took you a few paragraphs.
Just one more thing before I cut this post off...
Hello, Unlimited Blade Works. Apparently Matthew has Shirou's powers, too.
Look, Nick, you've at least got an interesting idea for a story, but as it is now, it's just not an original story in any way, shape, or form. You've essentially taken an established series, changed a few words when it comes to describing the characters and their personalities, then called it a day.
I understand that you've written other stories in the past, which I am assuming are more original than this, so why not...I don't know, do whatever it is you normally do for inspiration when writing stories, then re-write this into something you can call your own? As it is now, it honestly just looks like you scoured the Type-Moon wiki for character summaries, and I'm certain that's not the impression you want to give people who happen to stumble upon your story.
edited 10th Mar '11 6:03:01 PM by DoctorThunder
well, you have shown me once again why I don't like working around here.
GOOD JOB. You have made a college student who has stresses of his own come home to a scathing dissection of his work. Without even chapter 2 being around, you make pronunciations.
No matter what I do, no matter what I try, my work is not original / not scary / not anything good. I am this close to a breakdown.
I try a few nods, and I get accusations of plagiarism. Until you make it so I don't want to break your neck in my bare hands, Doctor Thunder, fuck off and go away.
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Well, you wanted people to read your story and comment, and that's what I did. What you do with that information now is up to you.
that draft has been scrapped, and I am going with the original.
and sorry about that breakdown, I have problems. Serious mental problems.
edited 10th Mar '11 9:13:42 PM by NickTheSwing
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Well, an update...
- Shuuji's psyche is laid bare, and he makes a reversal. As in a Heel–Face Turn
- The Big Bad shows herself.
- And the Seer appears.
edited 11th Mar '11 6:27:26 PM by NickTheSwing
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I skimmed. A minor nitpick. Most of the occurences of "it's" lack an apostrophe. All of them except one in fact ("then it shifted its form to a stabbing sword" being the only right one).
This is still a signature.
I will change that.
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third times the charm...
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FOUR! IS! DEATH!!
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The Cat Knows Where It's At
I do believe a new chapter and a bit of advertising is in order, Nick.
Let the joy of love give you an answer! Check out my book!
If you want people to read your fic I'd recommend doing something else besides bumping this a lot. It makes you look like you're extremely desperate for readers.
PARTY PARTY PARTY I WANNA HAVE A PARTY
Yeah, this is just about as desperate as leaving 15 voicemails on your on/off girlfriend's answering machine.
I've got new mythological machinery, and very handsome supernatural scenery. Goodfae: a mafia web serial
I have done it! I have completely retooled New Dawn and made it into a story with fresh, new flavor, snarky humor, and a Matthew who does not act like he is always holding the Idiot Ball.
[1]
edited 5th Mar '11 3:42:49 PM by NickTheSwing
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