The text is good in having so many details. Still, it also has some negative points, so, ah, criticisms and suggestions:
-It appears a bit unordered at times, with the text jumping from thought to thought even within single points, often going on overly long tangents.
-Of course part of it may be that the text is still in development? I assume that's what all the notes in parenthesis and the headlines without text mean. Would it not then be better to have a work version with those things for you, and a provisional published version without them for the reader?
-Particularly problematic in that regards is IMO the far too large example list of "eggcorns". Or the sudden tangent about Britishisms. Maybe both should go to an annex or something, instead of being in the text proper.
-Generally it seems IMO to devote too much time on words, grammar, vocabulary. Sure, those are the tools of the trade. But that means that to a degree they should maybe considered to be already sufficiently well. Then again, you seem to have a way higher tolerance for bad FF than I have, so maybe you simply have not given up on bad stories all together as I have
-About the "Expo Speak
" - IMO the easiest way to avoid "As you know, Jack..." is to have the point infodumped in the description If all characters already know what it is, the narrator voice is well justified in knowing this, too, without it being too overboarding as (correctly) warned against elsewhere in the text.
-You seem to conflate advise against Boring Invincible Hero
es with advice to not slavishly adhere to demands for a perfect happy ending. Both are valid points, but distinct points. You can throw all kinda shit at your characters and still have a happy ending, after all. Or as TV Tropes
calls it: Earn Your Happy Ending
-The part about chapter sizes should maybe have more FF-appropriate relations and example. Not using Dan Brown as bad example, but maybe telling how many F Fs
have chapters of just some few hundred words, and then explaining
why it is bad.
-As an addendum to the "Eternal Now": This also works the other way round, i.e. assuming all sci-fi future will be exactly like the year it's written in, except maybe with lasers and FTL tech. That of course is something quite, quite many if not most professional sci-fi franchises do, so fanfiction writers are forgiven to follow those conventions, but IMO it is always worth encouraging that they should think about what little details
may be different in the future. Little details always make stories more lively. And pop-culture references to the Eternal Now from somebody 200 years in the future or whatever are of course also mostly a bad thing...
edited 17th Apr '11 7:21:48 AM by Octo