Polyamory

Aw, why aint that sweet ♥ The more social route which you two are doing, does sound like it would work better in the long run then the whole 'side fuck' scene.

Yes, as long as you're not assuming "mututal interaction" always means sex.

I didn't, but thanks for setting that record straight.

edited 1st Mar '11 10:31:54 PM by joeyjojo

"Monogamous relationship but both parties can fuck whoever they like on the side" is a very common way to go, and also very often disastrous. That's the situation whereby secret, increasingly monogamous relationships with the other partners frequently come up, and of course, there's jealousy.

Being "open" about your other partners, with everyone knowing the score/who everyone else is scoring with (though obviously not to the schizophrenic extremes such things can be taken, I mean a sane level of openness) is a much more sensible way to run an open relationship I'd say!

Which brings me to another statement regarding that very same thing; I see people who are serially monogamous (sometimes with marriage involved) and think "wow, now there's someone who just needs to come to terms with the fact that they're poly."

So, the obvious counterargument is, maybe they're just not with the right person.

There's no such thing as the "right person".

Or rather, many, many people on Earth can be the "right person" for you. If you haven't found one of them in three tries, it's not that.

@kashchei: it may be an obvious counter-argument, but in this case it does not apply. Forgive me for being imprecise; I was referring to a certain type of serial monogamist, the kind that goes through relationship after relationship (usually with a dash of infidelity here and there) just because they can't make up their mind. I'm pretty sure everyone with a healthy social life who's over the age of 25 has at least one friend like this.

Monogamy is fine..... as long as it isn't an enforced requirement. If anything, open relationships are even more difficult to maintain because of the jealousy issues.

That's partly why cheaters insist on keeping up the pretenses of being in a monogamous relationship.

edited 4th Mar '11 9:39:35 AM by johnnyfog

But that's quite a gamble. It always ends up with you taking a bow...

@Jace: So basically, they're a lot more laid-back than we are. Awesome.

Pretty much. I was surprised to read that.

Please translate from legalese into vernacular.

Bigamy is legal in Saskatchewan, but one has to be a civil (with ceremony, etc) marriage and one has to be common law. You can look up common law marriages yourself, tl;dr they're unofficial marriages gone official due to ge.

There's no such thing as the "right person".

There not being one right person does not preclude there being a whole host of not-right persons.

@drunk, that's fair enough, I was just wondering whether you would apply the term indiscriminately to anyone having a hard time working out how a relationship should function, or whether you'd be more specific.

I'm personally quite fond of Polyandry.

I think the world needs a break from monogamy and a bit more polyandry.

Monogamy is all right. It's only problem is that hardly anyone seriously tries it.

I definitely would if my partner let me.

So, situation involving polyamory...

An old and very dear friend of mine recently confessed to me that she, after 7 years of harmonious marriage, is having straying thoughts.

Now, a little back story is in order here; I've known this woman since we both were teenagers. She's pretty adventurous as far as sex is concerned...not really kinky, but she sees nothing wrong with, say, having sex with a friend because its fun and the trust of friendship is present. She's always been this way. Her and I used to be in a poly relationship together, until her husband came along.

Her husband does not share this opinion. While he's a very reasonable guy he was also raised very conservative and poly is not really on his radar.

It's really bothering her, the fact that she cannot express her friend-love in the way that she'd like. I told her that she must needs do something, because sooner or later badness (of the cheating kind) will result if she does not.

I think poly is the answer for them. Discuss. Ask questions if you need more info.

There's not much to discuss really, maybe you should bring the matter up with her husband.

Tell her to just tell him about it.

Whatever happens then happens. At least then if she starts cheating on him it'll be his own damn fault.

Seriously, 95% of sexual problems could be solved by people not being so squeamish about talking about it they'll tell their ex-boyfriend about their sexual problems before they tell their husband. (Well, okay, this particular sexual problem could be solved that way, but you get the idea.)

@KCK: the point I was getting at is; should she just deal or should he learn to accept that his wife is wired for poly?

@Black: Well, her husband does not enjoy these kinds of talks. Though I did tell her this is something he needs to know about.

That he doesn't want to talk about it is the problem. I'm sure if he was comfortable about talking about it they'd have solved this before it came up.

Now it's come up, and if he doesn't want to be cheated on he better damn well learn to talk about it.

Let's see ... and this is totally off the top of my head here, but ...

Their marriage is doomed. He doesn't want to hear it, and probably won't be able to accept it. She's either going to be miserable, which will eventually destroy their relationship, or start cheating on him, which will also destroy their relationship. Best to divorce now, while he doesn't hate her for not being satisfied with just him.

Eh, that's a little cynical for lingering doubts.

It might be doomed, but we can't say that yet. If he can't accept her complaint and do something about it it's doomed, but I'd say this marriage is perfectly salvageable at this point.

EDIT: Also note that I'm not necessarily saying she should talk to him about poly. Just sex. If they think opening the relationship up will help than great, and if they want to spice their sex up between themselves that's also great.

edited 9th Mar '11 9:03:52 PM by BlackHumor

Yes, I'm a tad cynical. But as DS is describing the guy, I've known guys like that. They're all for having a harem, but the moment their woman says anything complimentary about another guy, they badmouth her for being a whore.

 ^disclaimer

^{Yes, I could be knee-jerking here, or misreading the situation as posted - it's kind of difficult to get a read on the dynamics of a seven-year marriage from two paragraphs on an internet forum. It's also possible that this is just the so-called "seven year itch" that's the most common time for a divorce to happen.}

edited 9th Mar '11 9:10:12 PM by BlueNinja0

@Blue Ninja: Actually, no...he's not the sort for a harem. He's a devoted family man type. He's been very good to her, and they have a child together. And, he's been okay with her flirting and stuff (she flirts with me all the time, and he thinks its funny). That's what makes this hard for her; he's the best thing that's happened to her thus far, its just this one detail that's tripping things up.

It should be noted that if their marriage was opened, I'd probably be first in line for people she'd want to sleep with so I'm a tad biased.

edited 9th Mar '11 9:14:41 PM by drunkscriblerian