Dealing with an internet stalker with a crush.

Well, to be specific, it isn't me who's dealing with her but my best friend. She recently helped this girl out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a cluster of bitchy little girls who treated her like crap for over a year. My friend was nice, complimented her artwork and eventually they started to talk on MSN. It was fairly normal at first but she eventually got to being, like, really obsessed with her. She's said on numerous occasions that she loves my friend and that she would 'die without her'. Sara (my friend) told her she doesn't like her like that, that we have something between the two of us that Sara could never feel for her and MSN girl started to whine about me and how she would 'prefer if 'she' (as in, me) didn't come over' to Sara's house when it gets brought up every week or so and god...

They talk for two hours a day and that isn't enough for her /still/.

Sara and I are really distraught about this because she wants to be able to tell her to screw off, but considering how obsessed MSN girl seems to be with her and that Sara's her only 'friend' we're worried she might kill herself.

Thanks for listening to me vent. If you have any advice/comments of any sort, please do not be afraid to post them.

edited 14th Jan '11 8:03:47 PM by Razputin

I've decided to start posting more often. Sorry.

Fake a death? Or something?

Say that your friend's last words were for the STALKER was to "live" and not kill herself?

Personally, I hate these kinds of people.

Special place in Hell ftw.

Neither you nor your friend are responsible for the mental health and well-being of this person.

It sounds like your friend has expressed her displeasure with the girl's behavior, and the girl has not taken any steps to change that behavior.

Your friend is completely justified in cutting off all ties to the person in question, as that person is the one that has violated the social contract here.

I don't mean to sound insensitive about the other girl's emotional situation here, but there is only so much an internet acquaintance can reasonably expect to do for her if she's not willing to make improvements for herself. And the threat of self-harm should you not give her what she wants is a classic first sign of an abusive relationship.

edited 14th Jan '11 8:11:17 PM by Meeble

Visit my contributor page to assist with the "I Like The Cheeses" project!

We considered that too, if not all that seriously. They go on the same forum/ websites so that wouldn't work out terribly well anyway.

EDIT: ^That makes sense and I know we shouldn't feel responsible for her horrible mental state but I don't think either of us would want to be responsible for what could potentially end in a teen suicide. You do have a point though. If she doesn't change her attitude we may have to end up doing that. Sara can't live out her entire life holding MSN's hand against her will...

edited 14th Jan '11 8:19:54 PM by Razputin

I've decided to start posting more often. Sorry.

Ignore my post, listen to this person here. S/he knows what's up.

My plan was totally kickass, though.

Ninja'd minorly.

edited 14th Jan '11 8:13:52 PM by cutewithoutthe

If someone isn't making progress and instead is dragging you down into a spiral of pain and unhappiness, the best thing to do is wish them well and part ways. I had a friend like that some years ago, and part of my own healing process was letting her go - she didn't want to be helped, not really, she just wanted people to worry about her, and that's not healthy 24/7.

BTW, I'm a chick.

Retire the user names roll up new ones after she cuts the ties.

Really the best answer is to severe ties and if it looks like she will do something drastic report it to the authorities.

Who watches the watchmen?

Sever ties and like Teuf said, if necessary drop the user names and make new ones. Then do not accept any attempts by MSN to re-establish contact. Delete e-mails unread,don't respond if she tries to open a chat.

You are not responsible for her actions. Trying to make you responsible for them is called "Emotional blackmail" and it is just as vile and despicable a tactic as any other kind of blackmail.

edited 14th Jan '11 8:39:24 PM by Madrugada

...if you don’t love you’re dead, and if you do, they’ll kill you for it.

Firstly, your friend is pretty much a past me, almost word for word. : I am a time lord.

Secondly, this is the number one thing I wish I had done sooner:

Your friend isn't responsible for what MSN does to themselves or how they feel. What MSN is doing isn't under your friend's control, and however MSN might freak out after contact is cut off will not be her fault, either—MSN has already stepped far past the point where your friend's influence means anything anymore. She would not be abandoning them; MSN has already abandoned her for an image of her that doesn't exist.

Ceasing contact may sound a bit insensitive, but that's because it kind of is—but, one has to learn that it's not always a bad thing to be. Sometimes, you have to stop caring about certain things to protect yourself.

Do any of these have an "ignore user" function? I mean don't do that. has a point.

Let us know how it turns out.

edited 15th Jan '11 4:46:28 AM by SPACETRAVEL

whoever wrote this shit needs to step on a rake in a comedic fashion

Like everyone else said, retire the usernames and cease all contact.

Wondering - is she able to physically meet you guys? I suggest ask a friend of hers or some other third party to get her psychiatric help.

Half-Life: Dual Nature, a crossover story of reasonably sized proportions.

I've never had an internet stalker, but ignoring the person (without using an ignore function; you do want to see what they start saying when they figure out you're ignoring them) is a good place to start. Equally important is then making sure that her other friends on the message board understand what is going on, so that your friend isn't ostracized by people only hearing the stalker's side of the story.

That’s the epitome of privilege right there, not considering armed nazis a threat to your life. - Silasw

What part of this is 'stalker'? MSN hasn't violated any sense of privacy, has she? You haven't tried to cut off contact, and been forcefully reconnected, or anything similar, have you? It seems unfair to label MSN as a stalker, when all she wants is to have your friend to herself.

Instead of treating her as hellspawn, instead explain the situation to her, and tell her what's not going to change. I imagine if Sara is talking to her for two hours a day, she has some emotional attachment to MSN. Don't try to destroy the friendship those two have. Feel free to put MSN in her place, but there's no need for Sara to entirely stop seeing her.

If you've already decided that you don't care about the emotional blackmail, then it should be fine to put down boundaries. After all, if you're willing to break contact, you don't care if she threatens to kill herself, so just laying boundaries should also be something you're willing to do. As she's only online, MSN has little choice but to conform to such arrangements.

If she does threaten to kill herself/inflict self-harm, try to get her address and send social services/emergencies/whatever you have in your country.

^^ Hey, this is Sara. I just wanted to clarify here that it's a bit more than simply "this girl annoys me and now she's a stalker." I have been on separate websites where she has seen me online, and she has wanted to know why I am not on MSN instead. I wouldn't have a problem with her friendship in the least if half of it wasn't a guilt-trip and the other half wasn't being demanded out of me. If I am going to make a friend, then I want a gradual friendship— not a week worth of talking online and suddenly I am the "most important person in her life."

Also, as far as talking to her for two hours, I only did this because every time I hinted that I was going to go draw/exercise/hang out with my brother, she would began to tell me how she presently didn't feel well and how she really needed someone to talk to, when prior to that she would seem perfectly fine and we would be having light-hearted conversations. I know I should've easily been able to tell her not to be ridiculous, but yes, I initially thought that this girl might have been a nice addition to my online friends, but I didn't want some committed relationship.

But this is simply clarification. I thank everyone who responded to Raz; we were just looking for some advice since the entire situation feels much like a Catch-22 and everything was certainly taken into consideration.

Maybe it's because I'm a bit more wishy-washy and indecisive. I dunno. But I think you should bring it up with her. If she still does the emotional blackmail, just drop her. You gave her a fair warning, after all.

One of my few regrets about being born female is the inability to grow a handlebar mustache. -Landstander

@pikapowerI'm pretty sure being stalked by someone gets rid of the word "friendship", dontchathink?