Obsidian Proboscidean
I will repeat my request for critique because it got buried. The original post is here
.
Drummer Boy
I'm not sure about starting the story at this particular point in time. This is probably a boring and confusing conversation, but I just don't know. And I can't seem to find any cut-able places, either. Damnation! -shakes fist at sky-
- What are some things I need to trim?
- What are things that are confusing?
- Is this salvageable or should I pick somewhere else to start?
Overlording the Underworld
^^
This is salvagable, but it needs some background to it. You mention a lot of people, and by context I get a bit of who they are, but not what they truly mean to the story. I get that Wilhelm and Eva are siblings, and friends to Bianca. How did they meet? It's obvious they're not childhood friends, or at the least, Wilhelm didn't grow up near Bianca's family.
Just slow down a bit and give us some details about the people involved. You gave us some nice discussion of the surrounding area in the city, but I'd cut that down for now and focus on the characters. They're the ones asking for our attention right now.
I'd start with a paragraph of the main character walking into the building and being introspective, thinking about her reason for visiting/moving in with her old friends. Let us learn from her how she feels about this, and what her reasons are.
Also, found a typo. Thinking of every dialogue line as a paragraph unto itself, in the 11th paragraph you typed: "fifteenth birthday hangs hangs over the sofa"
I hope this helped, and if you want me to continue helping, just PM me.
I just created a Fictionpress account and am going to put up a piece of mine in a couple hours, when Newbie status clears up. I'll post the link for critique when I do.
edited 12th Jan '12 7:27:07 PM by Journeyman
Sir Night, Wayward Hunter-Angel
Hey, I posted this earlier on the board, before I noticed the sticky thread.
Basically, I got Imperial Mysteries for the Mage The Awakening line when it came out, and it. Is. Fracking. Awesome.
One of the antagonist factions, the Aswadim (Scelesti archmages-think of them as sympathetic Nephandi, if you've played Mage The Ascension) really captured my imagination, though, and I was inspired to create a BBEG based on them (or is one, if I ever run an Imperial chronicle), and like all cerebral bad guys, they have a motive rant wherein they explain their point of view. And before you ask, this is an idea for Pb P, so no Genre Savvy sneak attacks.
Basically, I wanted to show a semi-rational reason for serving Alien Horrors From Beyond reality, made by a somewhat sane man. In the form of a calm Motive Rant delivered to the players when he becomes aware they're sneaking up on him, just before facing them:
[i]"The Dark is vast and varied. A force that is both agency and lack thereof, born from both an absence of light and the secrets contained therein.
"Small minds, whether out of lacking understanding or the bravery to admit their inability to seek it, call the Dark 'evil' or 'wicked', but their ignorance shows itself. Those initiated into the shadow of the world know that the Dark is simply the Dark-wicked and evil things hide therein, but also innocence escaping prosecution, or solutions to problems caused by those living in the light, hidden through no fault of it's own.
"The Void is little different. Those aware of it's existence call it 'unclean' or 'alien', but to ones as enlightened as we are, we understand this to not be true. The Void is simply a realm containing that which this awful, diseased world of Law has rendered impossible, whether it be plagues or medicines, curses or blessings, demons or angels.
"What sages call the 'world' is nothing less then the enslavement of a realm of energy and will to an abnormal, banal reality that crushes all possibilities and renders those caught within unable to live to their full potential. This 'Prison of Forms' shall eventually destroy itself under the weight of it's own cruelty and apathy, but the suffering caused by it's downfall will be everlasting, lest it be euthanized for it's own benefit.
"For to truly alleviate the suffering of the cosmos, one must dissolve the false concepts of Order and Chaos, Being and Unbeing, and create a universe where the only suffering is what one needs to define him, as a master of everything and nothing. War, division, loneliness-none will occur unless it be permitted by the new humanity, and then only until they tire of it.
"Such is the nature of Utopia-for as the term implies, the world will only be perfect when there is no world, but what we make from the dance of Formlessness, as then all who desire a world of their own may have it, and those who do not agree may leave, and allow their fellows the paradise they have summoned.
"Wouldn't you agree, my rivals?"[/i]
So...good? Any revisions that would make it better, for what I'm trying to accomplish (a person who made the decision, based on the evidence, that remaking humanity into Old Ones is the smart idea)?
What rises must fall, what falls may rise again.
A monologue I wrote yesterday.
Be honest please.
Pirate AND writer!
First chapter of my current writing project.
I know it sucks. But how can I make it not suck?
Looking for some stories?
Sir Night, Wayward Hunter-Angel
Say, I was actually creating a prequel to a possible Exalted / The Hunger Games crossover here. Premise is explained in the preface.
So, any glaring flaws? Keep in mind that this is mostly meant to show what the world was like Just Before the End, so the actual crossover doesn't happen until very late.
What rises must fall, what falls may rise again.
@Snowy Foxes: I don't know what that story's about, but you should seriously just write the whole thing, and then get it published, because I'd buy it. (Though I agree with the previous poster's comment about giving more context to that excerpt with some introspection.)
edited 14th Jan '12 1:34:29 PM by fanty
I just scribbled a very short (873 word) Slice of Life story, Blueberry Tea, as a writing experiment. I was partially inspired by QQQQQ's curious contemplations, and decided it might be interesting to write a story in a manner very different from how I normally write. Instead of my usual minimalism and focus on hard facts, world building, character interactions, and internal and external conflict of philosophies, I wrote a quick tale of a man enjoying his tea on a warm summer day, with a focus on the details of such a delight. I'd appreciate comments on how I did in these unfamiliar waters.
Also, I've spoilerized a few notes about the tale below, some context. If you feel the Death of the Author is a good philosophical viewpoint to criticize from, ignore them. Yes, the tale does have a satirical edge. It was not enough to simply explore the senses: I simply could not resist also exploring a curious tendency of them. Sensory experiences are deeply personal, bound more in one's own mind than in any quantifiable details, and I couldn't resist playing with that through decidedly different eyes than my own. Lord Mercurius is not "stupid". I need to make that clear. But privilege and isolation have left him with a dubious lens to view reality through, and its flaws are amplified as he assumes there are no sensations outside the ones he has himself experienced or dreamed of in flights of fancy.
EDIT: Ah, but The Golden Rule! Give me a minute (metaphorically of course), I see a few bits and pieces unreviewed. I shall make time to amend that.
@Leliel: Love the description of darkness, and its contradictory nature — technically a lack of light, but so much more than ordinary emptiness. And while I don't quite get the distinction between Chaos and the Void the speaker is worshipping — clarification could be good there — the religious awe the speaker has for the concept of formless Void is almost, but not quite, contagious. And it's... genuinely tempting. A world of absolute freedom? An eternal lucid dream? Hard to say no to that.
@Snow Fox: Bear in mind I know more background than most here, so I may not be totally reliable. Alright then, my blather aside. You have two human beings who are displeased with their current life, and it's very obvious. Bianca's stuck in a marriage she'd rather avoid. Wilhelm clearly has a bone to pick with his teachers, and doesn't seem to regard them as doing their job properly. That said, there's a slight sibling-y feel between the two, one I imagine you weren't going for. And Bianca isn't quite as shocked when she's told, "oh, BTW, the government might wanna kidnap you" as I would have expected.
edited 14th Jan '12 3:07:48 PM by KillerClowns
Drummer Boy
@____@
Yay?
They are.
I was.
Therefore, I find the previous two comments slightly amusing.
Thanks for the help, guys.
The last battle's curtains will open on stage!
Overlording the Underworld
You took my comment out of context. Read the one after it. Either they're not childhood friends, or he at least didn't grow up around the rest of her family.
Although I guess you could interpret it as her family moving somewhere else later on? He said, "Isn't that where your father lives?" Or something along those lines. That doesn't sound like he was around her family a lot. He'd be more personal about it then, not just clinically stating that her relatives live there.
I'm writing a entry for my blog (here). The subject is how Exposition Dumps during the beginning can kill the book.
I'm thinking of starting it off with an example as a thesis:
You pop it into your Blu-Ray...
Wait. The scene freezes and the protagonist has a two minute monologue about her family and such. And then the scene goes on for thirty more seconds. And then the scene freezes again for a minute, before continuing the scene for a few minutes. And then a flashback sneaks up to you...more than once.
Thirty minutes later, it all stops and the rest of the movie goes at a brisk pace. However, you never found out. You got fed up at all the exposition dumps stopping all the scenes and press Eject. You then spend the next hour complaining in your mind..
Now apply that extended metaphor to novels. Think about how you feel when a section of exposition interrupts a scene. Now imagine that happening multiple times throughout the first hundred pages of a book.
That how I felt when reading VIRALS by Katy Reichs.
- Do you think this would contribute to the post as a whole?
- Is this too long? How can it be compressed?
- Any nitpicks?
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
- Yes.
- I think it's fine.
- However, you never found out. You got fed up at all the exposition dumps stopping all the scenes and press Eject. You then spend the next hour complaining in your mind..
This part should use past tense only, and it also has two periods at the end.
Sir Night, Wayward Hunter-Angel
@ Killer Clowns: I liked it. Mercurius seems like an Upper-Class Twit, admittedly, but I get the sense that he's naive, not stupid. Also liked that even he realizes that he's being a bit Wangsty, and that keeps him amusing.
What rises must fall, what falls may rise again.
Overlording the Underworld
Well, it's a few days late, but here's the link to the story I mentioned beginning the first time I posted.
It's already got two reviews on it, but it never hurts to see what others think while I work on it.
cannot into space
Hey, I need some help. One of my friends sent me a story, asking me to critique it. I jumped on the opportunity, trying to hone my skills at prereading, Critiquing, and giving advice. The story is good, I can think of a few suggestions, and can find many things to praise, aside from one thing.
It is absolutely full of unnecessary words, overly formal writing, and Purple Prose.
What's even worse is that the kid actually talks this way. He is very formal and uptight, even when making jokes or being casual.
So what can I do? Is there any advice I can give him?
Go play Kentucky Route Zero. Now.
Journeyman: Description is very, very sparse in your excerpt and it lacks atmosphere. Your narrator says he is going to focus on his surrounding, but at the end we only know the room was dark with some light coming from a slightly opened door and there was a not so soft bed with a table standing along the wall. This might be the only objects in the room, but there are also walls, ceiling, floor, temperature and smells. A plastered wall gives a different image than wallpaper with flowers and all concrete sets an entire different atmosphere. How clean is the room? Are there any stains? How bright is that light coming from the door? Is it sunlight and does the door lead outside (outside as in not in a building), or is it just another room?
Why not give a few bits of dialogue during the argument? You're telling the couple has a fight, not showing it.
The walk towards the other people gives the impression it is awkward and the narrator has difficulty walking. Why did he walk so casually towards the door at the start of the story then?
How many people are there? How do they look? Tired, angry, confused, relaxed? What kind of voice does the greeter have?
You should work on details to make the story more immersive and interesting.
If any question why we died/ Tell them, because our fathers lied -Rudyard Kipling
Overlording the Underworld
I've favorited this page and I'll add your critique to the list of changes to consider. Thanks!
Here's a story.
“Robot! Go down and fix the navigation arrays. Now!” The man in front of MA 4’s pod kicked the side and
MA 4 pulled himself out of it. He silently walked down the ship’s metal corridors, finding his way to the navigation arrays.
The ship was a medium-size exploration and science vessel, with a crew compliment of one hundred. It was equipped with ten advanced maintenance androids, which were responsible for the majority of the upkeep of the vessel.
“Hello Number 4,” Maintenance Android #7 said to #4 as he walked down the corridors to his destination. “Where are you going today?”
“I’m headed to the navigation arrays, apparently they’re on the fritz again. I guess they were designed by the same people who set the nuclear torpedo storage right under the reactor core.”
“Heh. Enjoy yourself.”
Suddenly, the ship was rocked by a massive explosion.
A voice came over the ship’s intercom. “Warning! Hull breach! Hull breach! Hull-”
- WHAM*
Everything went dark.
- AUTOREPAIR COMPLETE. TIME DESERVICED: 24 HOURS*
MA 4 woke up suddenly, the words of his low level systems ringing in his mind. The first thing he noticed was that he was on sand. He stood up. The second thing he noticed was that he was outside. He also noticed that he was on a beach, near the water, and it was nighttime. He scrambled away from the water as a wave broke behind him. “I may be water resistant, but that’s no reason not to be careful,” he muttered to himself. “Now where the hell am I?”
It was obvious what had happened. The ship, with its damaged navigational arrays, must have crashed into a planet, somewhere in the ocean, and MA 4 was washed up on the beach. MA 4 stood up and looked around. There was no one else around, nothing but a few pieces of the ship’s hull.
“Well, I suppose I’ve got to build a shelter first,” MA 4 thought to himself, and he grabbed a few hull plates from the beach and leaned them against a tall, thick tree. The plates formed a small, round structure, with a little triangular hole where the plates didn’t overlap that could be used as a doorway. He crawled under his little structure, and waited for day to come.
Day broke on the uncharted planet four hours later. MA 4 stepped out of his shelter and looked around. He had built his structure in a forest near the beach, which was thickly wooded and full of tiny shrubs and alien ferns.
“Power. I need to find a way to recharge my batteries.” He went back to the beach and found a thick copper coolant tank. “Perfect,” he thought, ripping the tank in half with his bare hands. “Now, dissimilar metal…” He searched and searched, and finally found a long zinc rod from some big machine. “Perfect, absolutely perfect.” He put the zinc rod in his lean-to, and carried the copper tank bottom into the forest. “Need citrus fruits,” he said to himself. He found a grove of trees with strange purple fruits. He jumped up and grabbed one, then opened it. It was extremely juicy, and MA 4’s sensors registered the juice as acidic. He began squeezing the fruits into the tank. Soon, the tank was three-quarters full of acidic fruit juice.
MA 4 carried the tank back to his lean-to and set it down. He put the zinc rod into the tank, and yanked the plug off the end of his charging cord. As he sat down with a rock to begin stripping the insulation off his charging wires, he heard a noise coming from the woods. “… Who’s there?” he said. A massive beast charged out of the bushes, twice as tall as MA 4 and three times as long. MA 4 jumped out of the way of the beast’s charge, his cable trailing behind him. The beast turned around, and charged again at MA 4. This time, MA 4 jumped up and landed behind the beast. He leapt onto it, grabbed its fur, and plunged his fist into the beast’s back. It uttered a horrible screeching roar, and began trying to buck MA 4 off. MA 4 opened his fist and closed his hand around the beast’s spine, then pulled as hard as he could. The creature’s spine broke, and it fell down, leaving MA 4 lying on the ground with a piece of spine in his hand. He stood up, and dropped the bone, examining the blood all over his plastic body. “Damn,” he remarked.
He walked down to the beach, and washed most of the blood off of himself. He then headed back up to his lean-to and continued stripping the ends of his charging wires. He finally got them down to bare metal, and then wrapped one around the zinc rod and placed the other under the copper tank.
- TRICKLE-CHARGE DETECTED: TIME TO FULL CHARGE: 14 HOURS*
It was getting dark. MA 4 got into his lean-to and dragged the tank in front of the opening. It was pitch-dark inside now. “Tomorrow, I’ll have to cut that animal apart, and make some weapons out of its bones. After that, I’m going to have to look for the ship’s transmitter array. I’ve got to get off of this planet,” he said to himself. MA 4 shut himself off, so as to charge faster overnight.
- CHARGE COMPLETE*
MA 4 woke up, pushed the battery tank out of the way of the door, and crawled out. In the night, something had eaten the corpse of the beast, stripping it down to the bones and skin. “Well, that makes things easier,” MA 4 muttered. He took a bone and a rock and began sharpening the bone. Soon he had made a thick, sharp spear. He repeated the process with four more bones, then used the smaller bones and the skin to make a backpack. He put his spears in the backpack and headed off into the woods.
As he walked in the woods, he heard birds tweeting, and saw much greenery. “I suppose, ” he thought, “I’m sort of lucky that the ship crashed here. I’d never see any of this if I’d stayed aboard the ship.” He wandered through the woods until he came to a large crater. In the center of the crater was a section of the ship, sitting upright. MA 4 slid down the side of the crater and entered the broken section of deck.
MA 4 recognized the section of the ship as a part of the engineering deck; the one that the communications array was on! MA 4 began searching furiously, and finally found the communications array. The primary antenna was totally smashed, and the control computer had burned to the point of being barely recognizable. There was nothing that could be salvaged from the destroyed array. MA 4 sat down on the floor, in front of the destroyed communications device. “Well… what am I going to do now?” he thought. “Do I even want to leave? I suppose I don’t have a choice. I’m stuck here. Forever.” He wandered back out of the broken piece of hull and jumped out, then climbed up the side of the crater. He slowly made his way back through the forest to his shelter.
Just as he was about to duck into his lean-to, he saw a bright flash of light coming from somewhere across the ocean. A whole minute later, he heard the loudest sound he had ever heard, as loud as his audio sensors could register. “The reactor…” he thought. “It must have gone critical and melted through its casing into the nuclear torpedos.” He watched the explosion for a while, as a massive mushroom cloud began to form on the horizon. After the light faded, he climbed back into his lean-to, hooked up his charging wires, and switched himself off.
- CHARGE COMPLETE*
MA 4 climbed back out of his little lean-to and watched the sunrise. “What am I going to do today?” he thought. “Maybe I’ll cut down some of these trees and build myself a better building. A house to live in. I’ll have my own life. I’m… I’m free. I don’t want to go back now, I’m free!” MA 4 suddenly felt something poking him in the back. He looked behind him to see a man in a vacc-suit, holding an assault rifle. “Umm… Hi,” MA 4 said, and put his hands up. The man said nothing, but instead took some sort of device off of his belt and pointed it at MA 4.
- SHUTDOWN SIGNAL RECEIVED; SYSTEM SHUT DOWN INITIATED.*
MA 4 woke up. Someone had opened the door of his storage pod. “Robot!” someone said. “Go down and fix the vending machines in the rec area. Now!”
MA 4 sighed, pulled himself out of his pod, and began heading down to the rec area of the vessel he was just recently assigned to, after spending five days in the cargo bay of an exploration vessel that had seen the reactor explosion and come to investigate. MA 4 was the only survivor of the space vessel that had crashed, and was listed as salvage. He was reassigned to his new vessel two days after he returned from the unexplored planet. He spent the rest of his life aboard the vessel, then was shut down after his service period expired and launched into space as garbage.
The end.
edited 20th Jan '12 11:55:20 AM by Schilcote
Pirate AND writer!
Sir Night, Wayward Hunter-Angel
It occurs to me that the Hunger Games/Exalted crossover link was broken.
So, let me remedy that.
Again, it's a prequel to the full fiction, and was made on an Exalted board, so some terminology might be obtuse to an outsider.
What rises must fall, what falls may rise again.
I take it we're not going to get any critiques until the weekend? Or maybe even later?
Ahr river
Not unless people stop posting without reading anything ahead of them, and start critting before posting.
Read my stories!
@JHM: Since you already had some other critique I won't say much. However, I do have one nitpick.
For some reason, the way this is presented makes it seem jarring in tone. I would suggest splitting it into two sentences, but I'm not sure if that would solve the problem. Put just a little more meat to it?