Before the accident
Pre-20th century
14 billion years ago: The Big Bang occurs.
23AD: The crew arrive in Britain and walk to India to collect eight lemons to power a battery so they can get home.
6 months later (still 23AD): The crew collect their lemons and meet a man called Jesus. They rescue Jesus from some Roman soldiers.
2 days later: Jesus returns to stop Christianity from becoming a thing. It turns out he isn't Jesus of Nazareth, but Jesus of Ceaseria.
Another man called Jesus visits a restaurant with his twin brother, Judas.
c. 12th century: In Burgundy, it rains herring.
1421: Starbug-1 materialises in deep space on the 16th of August.
1546: The Mayor of Warsaw spontaneously combusts
20th century
1920s: The expanoids arrive. Technology is made illegal.
March 1944: Lister steals Hitler's briefcase, although he throws it back upon realising that there's a bomb planted in it.
1952: A global EMP is set off, destroying the expanoids. The crew regain the casket of cronus, so they can keep the pool table steady.
22nd November 1963: Lee Harvey Oswald is knocked out of a window of the Texas Book Depository, creating a reality in which Kennedy was never assassinated. To rectify this, he is sent up another floor, where he misses his shot.
John F. Kennedy, from the timeline in which he wasn't assassinated, shoots himself from the grassy knoll.
1964: In an alternate timeline, JFK is impeached.
July 1965: In an alternate timeline, Lister offers to take Kennedy back in time to assassinate himself.
1966: J. Edger Hoover is president of the United States, after being blackmailed into running for president. People flee from all major US cities as the USSR is allowed to set up a base in Cuba.
22nd century
Unknown date: Lister sells his genome for £100 and half a packet of cigarettes.
A giant toupee is installed over the hole in the Earth's ozone layer.
2130: Greeting card companies are taking advantage of the use of stasis booths leading to parents ending up 50 years younger than their children.
26th November 2155: Lister is abandoned under a grav-pool table in the Aigburth Arms in a box marked 'Ouroboros'.
2156: Two timelines diverge as Rimmer, who is doing poorly at school, is offered a chance to stay down a year. He denies. In another dimension, he's held back and becomes successful.
2157: Rimmer attempts to get his younger self to invent the tension sheet. He ends up putting the timeline back almost as it should be, with Thicky Holden inventing it.
July 2162: Lister's adopted father dies.
2165: Rimmer joins the space corps.
Lister goes to live with his grandma.
2168: Lister loses his virginity on a golf course.
2169: Lister's grandmother dies. Lister determines not to be fat like her after the chalk guy has to get a second chalk.
2170: Lister starts to work as a trolley attendant.
2172: Lister forms a band called Smeg and the Heads. He's visited by his future self and told to invent the tension sheet or he'll end up trapped on a spaceship for the rest of his life. He does so.
Lister becomes claustrophobic after being trapped in a container by a co-worker's husband, after he found out she was making love with him.
Lister dates Hayley Summers, who works in a bank. She cheats on him with Roy.
2173: Lister attends art college for 97 minutes before discovering they have lessons first thing in the afternoon.
Lister starts dating Lise Yates.
2174: Lister breaks up with Lise Yates.
Earth's polar star changes and the zodiac is re-arranged. Denis and Josie meet at a New Zodiac festival.
2175: Thicky Holden originally invented the tension sheet.
Lister is at a Zero-Gee football game when Jim Bexley Speed, the London Jets Roof Attack, breaks the record for three-dimensional yardage in a single season of Zero-Gee football.
2180:
Lister quits his job as a trolley attendant.
October: Lister celebrates his 25th birthday by doing a monopoly pub crawl. He wakes up on Mimas with the last thing he remembers of the previous night being himself saying he's going to buy a monopoly board.
25th November: Rimmer is invited to sit at the Captain's tab with six officers. The starter is gazpacho soup. Rimmer tells the waiter to take it back because it's cold, unaware that gazpacho is supposed to be cold. The crew officers laugh at him. He thought they were laughing at the cook, When he realised they weren't, this becomes his most shameful memory. For the rest of his life, he will remember this day as "Gazpacho Soup Day."
2181: By this point, the president of America is a hologram called John Milhous Nixon.
19th February: Denis mugs Lister and gets $£53. Lister tries to join the Space Corps.
20th February: Lister becomes a member of Red Dwarf, as a third technician.
21st February: Red Dwarf makes a brief stop on Titan. There Lister picks up Frankenstein, a pregnant tomcat. He gets her vaccinated and smuggles her aboard the ship, hoping that he will get caught with her and sent to stasis for the rest of the trip. Supply Officer, Caroline Carmen, gets reposted at Titan, she will join the JMC supply ship Leviathan.
26th February: Lister makes breakfast for Rimmer by using Titan mushrooms. After breakfast, Rimmer attends the inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock leather driving gloves and blue swimming goggles. He attacks two senior officers believing that they are giraffes who were armed and dangerous. (The clock on the wall in Red Dwarf was apparently wrong, the day was correct but the year was wrong. This is confirmed in Rimmer's diary.)
28th February: Lister meets Kochanski at one of the ship's bars. They begin dating.
2nd March: Lister, the Cat, and Rimmer come through the stasis leak for the first time. Later that evening Rimmer comes back trying to save his younger self.
3rd March: Lister gets two weeks paint detail for the mushroom incident. Rimmer gets eight weeks paint detail for sticking a pencil up the captain's nose and by eating his wife's photograph, thinking that it was a publicity shot from Planet of the Apes. Rimmer sees his hologram counterpart, but believes that he is a hallucination. Lister and the Cat go through the stasis leak so Lister can marry Kochanski. At the same time, Lister and Rimmer go back in time and Lister marries Kochanski.
5th March: Frank Saunders, a crew member of Red Dwarf, dies and becomes the ship's hologram.
16th March: Rimmer loses his virginity to Yvonne Mc Gruder. It lasted 12 minutes (including the time it took to eat the pizza). Both wait for the other to call.
17th March: Rimmer had too much claret and fell asleep naked on his bunk. For a joke, Lister takes a polaroid of his todger, drew a mustache, mouth, and ears on it. He placed the picture on a bulletin board under "missing persons" written underneath "Have you seen this man? Believed to be a French movie star."
19th March: George McIntyre commits suicide, because of his excessive debts. Shortly thereafter, Saunders finds out that he is being shut off because McIntyre outranks him.
20th March: Red Dwarf returns to Mimas for a few days to get supplies. Kochanski breaks up with Lister and goes out with her previous boyfriend, Tom, a catering officer. Lister, not being able to handle the breakup, leaves a note for Rimmer telling him that he is going on shore leave to Mimas. Lister takes Frankenstein with him to the moon, so she doesn't get caught while he's away.
22nd March: Lister returns to Red Dwarf. Kochanski approaches him and apologizes for breaking up via letter. In the main timeline, Kochanski doesn't discover Frankensein, but in an alternate dimension she does and confiscates her from Lister. In that dimension, Kochanski survives the accident and Lister dies.
There is a funeral service for McIntyre, and his ashes are sent into space. Saunders hologram is turned off, and McIntyre's hologram is activated.
23rd March: Rimmer takes the Astronavigation exam for the tenth time. He fails again. Lister is put into stasis for eighteen months for bringing an unquarantined animal aboard the ship.
Yvonne Mc Gruder leaves the Red Dwarf after discovering that she is pregnant.
Rimmer makes a poor repair job on the ship's drive plate. The entire crew (numbering between 169 and 1169) of Red Dwarf is killed due to exposure to Cadmium II. Holly seals all the cargo bays during the disaster.
After the accident
pre-24th century
c. 16th December 2181: Yvonne Mc Gruder gives birth. She names her son Michael.
2192: Frankenstein dies aged fourteen. The cat population is 198,832.
c. 2200: Michael Mc Gruder attends West Point Academy. He graduates first-class and joins the space corps marines.
Early 23rd century: The Red Dwarf's black box, from 3 million years in the future, crash lands in the pacific ocean.
President John Nixon attempts to control the Earth's weather but ends up nearly destroying the sun. Michael Mc Gruder signs up for a terraforming mission to the Andromeda Galaxy, taking some GEL Fs with him on a ship called the Mayflower.
Late 23rd century: Asclepius, a highly advanced medical droid, is created. He goes insane.
24th century
2224: After the World Cup added rules for Genetic Alternative Sports, Scotland created a genetically engineered goal keeper that was eight feet tall and sixteen feet wide, thereby blocking the entire goal. Ironically, they still did not qualify for the second round.
2227: Pluto's solstice, in which Pluto takes over Neptune as the outermost planet in the solar system.
c. 2250: Famous physicists Heideker, Davrell, Holder, Quayle, and a fifth one, go into deep space to do experiments on collective intelligence. The results of these experiments was called Legion, a gestalt entity.
2296: Mechanoid Visual System, Version IX.05 from the Infomax Data Corporation is created. It is used in the Series 4000 mechanoids
Before Lister comes out of stasis
2340: Professor Mamet is due to marry John Warburton, a fellow bio-engineer. He jilts her the day before the wedding, so she decides to create a droid in his image - a pompous, ridiculous-looking, mother-hen clucking irascible buffoon. The Series 4000 mechanoid series is created.
Kryten 2X4B-523P, a 4000 series service mechanoid, is created by Professor Mamet at Diva Droid International. Around this time another 4000 series mechanoid from the 2X4C sub-series is created. His name is Able.
c. 25th century: Scientists discard the concept of a "family" when they prove that all hang-ups in our neurosis are caused by our parents.
c. 2403: The SS Samsara crashes after it's karma drive field was reversed.
c. 26th century: M-Corp buys Earth.
c. 28th century: A top-secret Space Corps. vessel containing a Time Drive is used to travel back in the past. The crew of the ship die from an influenza virus caught in the 20th-century. Before dying they set the ship into deep space on autopilot and created a mind field generator around the vessel so no one would go near it.
4080: It is finally proven that mankind is all alone in the universe. No other intelligent life exists anywhere in the universe.
Unknown date: Holly gets rid of the bomb linked to Red Dwarf's self-destruct system.
c. 502,181: The biggest and the strongest cats survived, the mutants. They had rudimentary fingers instead of claws and stood on their hind legs. The Felis Erectus was born.
2,002,181: A plague hit, it was known as hunger. Less than thirty cat tribes now survived, roaming the cargo decks in search of food, but all the food was gone. Weak and ailing, they prayed at the supply hold's silver mountain: huge towering acres of metals rocks which the Cats believed watched over them. One cat took down a silver rock, and placed the V-shaped metal icon on the rim of the rock, and turned the handle. And the rock opened. And inside it was Alphabetti Spaghetti in tomato sauce. And in the other rocks were other delights. God had spoken. Felis sapiens was born.
2,502,181: A holy war begins between the two cat factions. One cat faction believed that their god was named Cloister, and he wanted the sausage diner hats to be red, and the other faction thought that their god was named Clister and he wanted the hats to be blue.
2,504,181: A truce was called and both factions built 2 arks to go and search for Fuchal. They left the sick and lame cats behind on Red Dwarf. The first ark, blue, flew into an asteroid. But, the red ark, flew onward, knowing they were truly righteous.
Over the last three million years, Holly read all known books and took up numerous hobbies while Lister was in stasis. The loneliness caused him to become computer senile, depleting his IQ into two figures.
After Lister comes out of stasis
3,002,181: Lister comes out of stasis, only to find out that the entire crew is dead and he is the only human left. His companions are the hologram of Rimmer, a life-form who evolved from Frankenstein, and Holly, a tenth-generation artificial intelligence computer with an IQ of 6000. Lister has Holly set a course back to Earth.
Holly gets the coordinates ready to make the jump to light speed, while the crew gets ready to go into stasis. Unfortunately, the ship jumps to light speed 22 hours early.
Lister takes a fourteen-pound hammer to Talkie Toaster and disposes of it in the waster disposal unit.
Lister plans to take the Chef's exam just to outrank Rimmer.
2 days later: Lister fails the exam, but leads Rimmer into believing that he passed.
Rimmer fails the Astronavigation Exam for the eleventh time.
Lister, and Rimmer play the Locker Game. On one occasion Rimmer gets "burned" from a booby-trapped locker.
18 weeks later: Holly discovers an unidentifiable object which is actually a Red Dwarf garbage pod.
1 day later: Lister discovers that he is a god to the Cat people, and meets a dying priest who has lost his faith. He rewards the priest a place in Fuchal, the priest dies happy.
2 days later: Rimmer opens the pod to find out that it really is a garbage pod.
Lister went up to the officer's block into Kochanski's quarters. This area of the ship had not be decontaminated yet.
1 day later: Lister becomes sick, and passes out in the hallway. He goes to bed and has hallucinations that become sentient. He conjures up two men in the drive room, representing his Confidence and Paranoia.
2 days later: Confidence destroys Paranoia and the medicom, so Lister can not get better. Outside the ship with Lister, Confidence takes his helmet off and explodes. Lister activates a second Rimmer, believing him to be Kochanski.
October: Rimmer moves out next door with his duplicate.
4 days later: The two Rimmers begin arguing with each other.
5 days later: Lister is fed up with the arguing Rimmers and chooses to shut one off. He tricks Rimmer into telling him about "Gazpacho Soup Day" and wipes the copy.
3,002,182: The crew get a distress call from the Nova 5.
1 day later: They arrive on the Nova 5 to discover Kryten, the service mechanoid, taking care of three skeletons. The crew take Kryten back with them to Red Dwarf. Kryten becomes a "slave" of Rimmer, cleaning up the whole ship.
2 days later: Kryten rebels. He borrows Lister's space bike and fly around looking for a planet with an atmosphere, where he can build a garden.
Kryten is found in pieces after he crashes the space bike into an asteroid belt.
A post pod arrives from Earth. Rimmer learns his father is dead.
1 day later: The crew play the game Better Than Life, which allows the player to live out their fantasies.
Saturday: The crew find a planet with an atmosphere and have a party to celebrate the anniversary of Rimmer's death.
Sunday: Lister goes into the hologram imaging chamber and gives Rimmer eight months of his memory. He gives him memories of an old girlfriend, Lise Yates.
Wednesday: Rimmer finds the letters that Lise sent to Lister. Lister tells Rimmer the truth about what he did. Rimmer, very depressed, has Lister erase the entire crew's memory of the last four days.
Thursday: Lister wakes up to discover that his leg has been broken and that someone did a jigsaw puzzle. The crew somehow lost the last four days, and the black box is missing.
The crew discover a stasis leak on floor 16, which leads back in time three weeks before the explosion. Rimmer goes back in the middle of the night to save himself.
1 day later: Lister and the Cat go back to make it to Lister's wedding with Kochanski.
The crew come across a moon that is shaped exactly like Felicity Kendall's (Or Marilyn Monroe's) bottom and fly around it a few times.
14 months later: Holly becomes increasingly careless and Queeg 500, the ship's backup computer takes over and demotes Holly to night watchman.
2 days later: Fed up with taking exams, morning exercises, and large amounts of work, the crew ask Holly for help.
Holly is seemingly deactivated, but quickly reveals he was Queeg the whole time and had pranked the crew into appreciating him more.
Holly invents the Holly Hop Drive, a device that can transport any object in space to any other point in space. It doesn't work correctly and sends the ship into a parallel universe, which is female-dominated. The crew meet their female counterparts, except for the Cat whose counterpart is a male dog.
1 day later: Lister wakes up the next morning to discover that he had sex with his female counterpart and he's pregnant.
A few days later: Holly, performs a head swap on himself. He bases his new face on Hilly, who he met in the parallel universe and had fallen madly in love with.
A week later: Lister gives birth to twins, Jim and Bexley. Because they were conceived in another universe they developed much quicker here.
3 days later: Both boys are eighteen years old because of their highly accelerated growth rates. Lister returns them to the universe of their origin, where they were reunited with their father (Deb Lister).
4 months since his crash: Lister discovers and rebuilds Kryten, but is unable to recapture his former personality.
3,002,183: Kryten begins to practice flying Starbug 2, so he can pass the flying exam.
6 weeks later: Kryten takes his flying exam, with Rimmer testing him. He flies Starbug into a time hole and sends them both into a backwards reality
9 weeks later: Lister and the Cat find the time hole and go in it after Rimmer and Kryten.
The crew evacuates Red Dwarf, because Holly believes five blacks holes are in the vicinity. The Cat and Kryten take Blue Midget, while Lister and Rimmer take Starbug. Starbug gets hits by a meteor and crash lands on a snow-covered planet. The Cat and Kryten return to the ship, waiting for Rimmer and Lister.
2 days later: The Cat and Kryten go search for Rimmer and Lister.
6 days later: After searching fourteen moons and two planets, Kryten and the Cat find Rimmer and Lister.
A genetically engineered lifeform, a polymorph, breaks into the ship, and drains each member of a negative emotion. Lister (without fear), Rimmer (without anger), the Cat (without vanity), and Kryten (without guilt) hunt down the creature and destroy it, thus regaining their emotions.
Holly detects a second polymorph on board, and the crew hunts that one down and destroys it also.
Sunday: One of the skutters rewires the entire maintenance deck. Rimmer and Kryten are looking for the self-destruct system. Lister accidentally sets off the system.
Monday: Rimmer convinces Lister to do a mindswap, for two weeks, in order to get Lister fit. Lister gets him to swap back.
Tuesday: Lister wakes up to find Rimmer stole his body from him. The crew go on a space chase to catch Rimmer. They succeed and return Lister his body.
November: Kryten discovers that the developing fluid has mutated making pictures move and allowing people to enter the scene. Lister alters his past so he invents the tension sheet.
Rimmer goes back to his past and tries to become rich before Lister so that Lister will still be stuck on the ship.
A homing pod arrives from Diva Droid International, saying that Kryten will be shut down in 24 hours and his replacement is on its way.
1 day later: Kryten's replacement, Hudson 10, arrives. Kryten convinces Hudson that there is no such place as Silicon Heaven, and Hudson deactivates because he can't cope with that fact.
3,002,184Lister tries to teach Kryten to lie. Kryten takes Rimmer, in Starbug, on a sightseeing trip. They receive a distress call from a crashed vessel. Kryten goes down to see if there are any survivors. The only survivor is Camille, a 4000 series GTI mechanoid. He brings her back with him. Every crew member that meets Camille sees her in a different form, Lister sees her as a human woman, and Rimmer sees her as a hologram. As it turns out she is a pleasure GELF (genetically engineered lifeform). Camille has strong feelings for Kryten and says she didn't want to hurt him. They go on a date, but before the date is over, Hector, Camille's husband arrives to take her away.
4 days later: The crew encounter an alien vessel. Onboard the ship they find a DNA modifier that can rearrange anyone's DNA. The Cat accidentally turns Lister into a chicken then into a mouse, before returning him to his original form. Kryten gets caught in the machine's beam and becomes human.
A year to the day since "Polymorph": Kryten, after being in human form, is fed up with it and wants to be changed back. The crew are unsure if they can so they try to change Lister's curry. It fails and becomes a mutton vindaloo beast.
On a very small planetoid, Treka XVI, Lister, Rimmer, and Kryten play golf. Lister bet Rimmer 50 dollar pounds. Since the planetoid is very small, Kryten could only build 9 holes. Rimmer takes his first shot and hits it very hard. Lister tees up and shoots his ball into space. Rimmer goes looking for his ball, but it actually went all the way around the planetoid. Kryten and Lister go back and sit in Starbug while Rimmer keeps looking for his ball.
3 weeks later: Lister gets the space mumps, causing his head to increase to an incredible size.
11 days later: Rimmer begins a ten-day trip through the diesel decks.
1 day later: Rimmer returns from his trip. Rimmer and the Cat, find a pod floating in the local asteroid belt.The Cat starts the thawing process on the pod. Fearing that it may contain a killer Simulant, they take the pod to the penal colony that it was heading toward. When the crew arrive on the penal colony they are forced to go through a mind probe to see if they have committed any criminal acts. Rimmer is sentenced to 9,328 years in prison for the second degree murder of the entire Red Dwarf crew.
1 day later: Kryten puts together an appeal for Rimmer's case. He proves, through an unflattering appeal, that Rimmer didn't kill the crew. Rimmer is set free. The pod finally opens and a Simulant appears trying to kill the crew. The Simulant is killed, and the crew are on their way.
Wednesday: Kryten finds Talkie Toaster in the waste unit in over 3,000 pieces. He puts it back together to do an experiment with intelligence compression. Kryten does the intelligence compression on Holly giving her an IQ of 12,368 but decreasing her life span to 3.41 minutes. Holly shuts herself down, to save on run time, and also powers down the ship.
Thursday: Kryten and Rimmer begin the five-day round trip journey to the cargo decks to get supplies.
Tuesday: The crew discovers a white hole. Lister plays pool with planets in order to block up the white hole. He is successful and the last six days are erased and the crew has no memory of them.
2 days later: Red Dwarf passes an ocean planet.
Lister, the Cat, Kryten, and Holly decide to take Starbug and go on a three-week fishing holiday without Rimmer.
Commander Ace Rimmer, a dashing hero version of Rimmer from an alternate dimension, arrives in the main dimension and hits Starbug, forcing it to crash land. Ace Rimmer leaves Red Dwarf jumping through millions of dimensions searching for another Arnold Rimmer worse than the one in our dimension. He never finds one.
Kryten finds a prototype matter transporter. It will transport objects within 500,000 light-years. The crew use the machine and travel over 200,000 light-years, to a wax droid amusement park. Rimmer takes charge of the good droids. All of the droids on both sides are destroyed. Lister swallows Rimmer's light bee in anger.
3,002,185
The crew goes through a cosmic storm and travel back in time to a parallel universe and materialize on an exact replica of Earth, 1989.
The crew encounter a holoship, which holds the cream of the hologrammatic Space Corps. Rimmer wants to join.
The Inquisitor arrives on Red Dwarf and puts the four crew members on trial for their existence.
Kryten and Rimmer take Starbug out to go moon hopping. They arrive on an S3 moon, and it terraforms around them. They discover that they are on a psimoon that is controlled by Rimmer's emotions. The crew rescue Rimmer by convincing him that they care for him.
The crew pick up a distress beacon signal that leads them to a science station on an ice planet. They encounter Doctor Langstrom, a hologram, that has contracted a holovirus. The crew go into quarantine expecting to spend the next three months there.
5 days later: The crew discover that Rimmer has contracted the holovirus. The crew escape and turn him off before he's killed. When Rimmer wakes up he discovers that the rest of the crew has put him in quarantine.
Lister uses a Triplicator and accidentally creates two Red Dwarfs, one with all positive attributes and the other with all negative attributes, and destroys the original in the process. They go aboard the two other ships to get parts to the Triplicator. They succeed and recreate the original ship.
The crew discover a ship, SSS Esperanto, that everyone, including the fish, committed suicide. The crew get affected by a venom that induces hallucinations. The crew return to Starbug being chased by a squid. The ship hits a mountain and is destroyed. The crew hallucinate that they were playing a total immersion video game (TIV) and that Red Dwarf does not exist. Holly forces the crew out of that hallucination before they commit suicide.
Lister parks Red Dwarf around a blue-green planetoid. Lister, Kryten, the Cat, and Rimmer take Starbug and go off somewhere. When they come back they can't find Red Dwarf or Holly.
The crew finds the vapor trail of Red Dwarf and head after it in Starbug. Knowing that this will take many centuries, Lister and the Cat go into a deep sleep, while Rimmer is deactivated. Kryten monitors their life support systems and makes sure that nothing goes wrong with Starbug.
3,002,385:
Spring: Kryten tries to wake Lister from deep sleep, but Lister insists on another three months.
Summer: Kryten wakes Lister and the Cat from deep sleep. Rimmer's hologram is also activated. A Psiren, disguised as Lister, comes aboard the ship.
The crew discover a crashed vessel on an ice-covered planet.
Starbug is now almost 24 hours behind Red Dwarf. Starbug gets caught in a malfunctioning guidance beam and is taken to a space station. There they meet Legion, a gestalt entity. Legion rebuilds Rimmer's light bee, making him a hard-light hologram. He tells the crew that they cannot leave the station.
1 day later: Legion tells the crew that he will not survive if they leave the station. Kryten knocks the other three members unconscious, thus making Legion like himself. Since humans have precedence over mechanoids, Legion is forced to assist in their safe passage to Starbug. Before they leave the station, Legion gives Kryten a star drive, that will help Starbug catch up to Red Dwarf in a matter of nanoseconds. The star drive works, but gets loose and flies off out of the ship.
14th October: Lister celebrates his 28th birthday.
The crew finds a derelict ship, believed to have been attacked by Rogue Simulants. On the ship they find an Artificial Reality machine.
Lister is having a few beers, and is too lazy to get up. So he uses the release mechanism on the escape pod, and it escapes!
Kryten discovers minute amounts of millennium oxide in the system. Starbug has entered a Rogue Simulant zone. The Rogue Simulants catch up with Starbug, and knock all four crew members unconscious. They upgrade Starbug to make it more of a "fair" fight.
3 weeks later: The crew wake up. Starbug attacks the Simulant war vessel, and get a fluke hit on the ship. Before the bridge of the Simulant vessel explodes, they download the Armageddon Virus to Starbug's navicom. Kryten logs onto the navicom to get the virus and find an antidote before Starbug crashes.
A Space Corps. External Enforcement vehicle catches Starbug and punishes them with looting Space Corps. Vessels. The crew escapes by going into GELF space. The crew get an O/G Unit from the Kinitawawi tribe in exchange for Lister to marry one of the GEL Fs. He does but flees immediately afterward. A polymorph sneaks on the ship and takes The Cat's cools, and Rimmer's negativity.
The crew, escaping from the disintegrating Simulant ship, arrives on Starbug using the teleporter.
2 weeks since Gunmen of the Apocalypse: Starbug returns to the Simulant ship to pick up supplies and fuel. One of the Simulants discovers them and attempts to kill them. Rimmer escapes in the escape pod, thus causing the ship to disintegrate. The rest of the crew use a teleporter, that they found on the ship, and escape back to Starbug.
Rimmer is forced to go through a wormhole and lands on a planet, which he terraforms and populates with his own clones.
600 years later (Rimmer's perspective)/a few hours later (rest of the crew's perspective): The rest of the crew arrive and are arrested for being brave and honest. In the cell, they find the real Rimmer, who has been in there for 557 years. They all escape using the teleporter.
Weeks later: While escaping from Rimmer World, the crew arrive on Starbug. Their future selves are trying to figure out what to do for Lister, who is in some hideous situation.
December 25: The crew fight a pan-dimensional liquid beast from the Magadan Cluster.
Starbug enters dense interstellar fog. Within this fog are pockets of unreality, which causes the crew to see things that don't exist. The crew decide to go into a stasis sleep until they arrive at the other side.
3 days later: The crew arrive at Gemini 12, a Space Corps. ship that is equipped with a Time Drive. They attach the Time Drive to Starbug and see if it works. Another Starbug arrives and it is themselves from fifteen years into the future.
Lister and The Cat are killed in combat while Kryten goes off-line. Rimmer tries to destroy the Time Drive before he is killed. Just as he shoots the Time Drive, Starbug is hit.
3,002,386
Friday: Lister urinates on Rimmer from D Deck.
Wednesday: The ship passes a red moon.
Thursday: Lister tries to do a ship's log explaining about the incident with their future selves. During his report, the camera explodes.
Friday: Kryten finally tells Lister that all the Indian food supplies are gone and there is no more lager. Lister tries to convince Kryten to go back to Gemini 12 and pick up the Time Drive, so they can go and pick up a two-year supply of curries.
10 days later: The crew arrive at Gemini 12, and get the Time Drive and set it for the "closest curry shop." They accidentally land in November, 1963, during the Kennedy assassination.
Rimmer and Lister find a way to go back in time. Lister marries Kochanski. Kochanski doesn't want to leave with Lister, even though she knows what's going to happen. To her, her job comes first. Lister and Rimmer leave, and return to Starbug.
Ace Rimmer arrives from another dimension. This Ace is not the Ace they first met but is one of the many who have taken over. Ace is now a hard-light hologram. He is dying and has about 12 hours left to live.
Rimmer starts his training with Ace. Ace dies and everyone, except Lister, assumes that it's Arnold that has died. The crew sends Ace's remains in a coffin out into space and fondly promotes him as an officer. Arnold seeing how many versions of him that have become Ace, convinces him to become Ace. Arnold gets into his ship as Ace Rimmer and leaves Starbug.
The crew fight the Vidal Beast of Sharma II. They nearly lose their lives.
The ship enters a rip in the fabric of space/time. They go through a hyperway and meet up with alternative versions of themselves, including a living Kochanski. The ship gets attacked by the Gelf bride that Lister left on his honeymoon night. The living Kochanski gets trapped in the main timeline.
Lister realises he's his own father.
Kochanski wants to take a bath, and Lister gives her his quarters to do it. Kryten gets jealous and overloads the thermosettings of the ship, causing all systems to shut down.
Few weeks since "Ouroboros": Starbug is heading straight for the tail of a phasing comet. They pass through it, but must jettison some of their supplies overboard because the ship is too heavy and can't use the thrusters. Lister still misses Rimmer. Lister and the Cat go down to the hold to see what they can get rid of. Lister starts to link everything they find to an experience with Rimmer.
That night Lister has a dream of Rimmer coming back and the two kissing.
1 day later: Lister tells his dream to Kryten, who tries to help him. It doesn't work.
Lister goes to the cargo deck and jettisons everything that is remotely related to Rimmer.
2 Days later: Starbug discovers the ship SS Centauri. Kryten finds four live lobsters that were in the stasis block. He takes them back to Starbug and plans to make a nice meal for the crew to celebrate Kryten's anniversary with the crew. Kochanski finds a new Artificial Reality software program, "Jane Austen World."
Anniversary of the day Kryten was found by the crew: Kryten finally gets the lobster meal prepared for the crew. Kochanski lures the crew to go into the AR machine to try out the new software. Kryten gets fed up with waiting for them to eat the meal he prepared, so he goes in there and "kicks" them out. While eating dinner, Lister asks for brown ketchup for his meal. Kryten can't believe this and his head explodes.
1 day later: The crew head back toward the SS Centauri looking for spare heads
Kryten meets his "brother" Able, another 4000 series mechanoid, who is addicted to Outrazone. Able sacrifices himself so the rest can escape by using the power of Kryten's negadrive. The crew recover Able's body, so Kryten can perform last rites.
The crew discover an astro-glacier. They are trying to get water from it when they discover that a starship is buried inside. Lister contracts the epideme virus from Caroline Carmen.
1 day later: Kryten discovers that Lister has the epideme virus. Kryten puts an antibody in Lister forcing the bacteria into his right arm. They slice off his arm, but still some of the virus escapes into his body. Lister goes back to the Leviathan and plans to blow it up.
2 days later: Starbug arrives at Delta 7. They find out that it was destroyed a long time ago. The crew decide to stop Lister's heart to give him more time to live. Lister, zombified, transfers the virus into Kochanski. It wasn't her arm, but Carmen's arm. They revive Lister, who is safe from the virus.
1 week, 2 days later: Lister is still trying to cope with his right arm being gone. Kryten finds a 21st-century mechanical arm and attaches it to Lister. Lister has trouble using it at first, but his subconscious eventually takes over and it "attacks" Kryten.
Wednesday: The crew are awakened, when they arrive around a planet. Kryten finds the nanobots and orders them to repair the Red Dwarf and give Lister his arm back. They give Lister his arm back, but also give him the physique of a bodybuilder. They return Red Dwarf to them, but when the Cat flies Starbug into the ship, they find that the ship is many times larger than normal. Lister's body returns to it's normal size. Starbug gets sucked into a vent. Red Dwarf starts to shrink to it's normal size. Starbug tries to escape the vents and is finally destroyed.
The nanobots also recreated the entire crew. Lister is accused of stealing and crashing a Starbug, having no pilot's license, and smuggling two stowaways on board along with Kochanski. He is put on quarters arrest. He tries to convince the recreated Rimmer to help him escape, by giving him access to the crew's confidential files so he can make rank. A psychological review is done on Kryten and it is determined that he should be reset to factory settings. Rimmer goes to the remains of Starbug and gets the confidential files, he also stumbles over the sexual magnetism and luck viruses.
The captain is suspicious of Rimmer's newfound intelligence he gives him an envelope that is an invitation to the Captain's table. Rimmer licks the envelope that has psychotropic drugs on it. He is placed in a Artificial Reality machine so his actions can be watched. A medical examination is done on Kryten and he is classified as a woman due to his lack of male genitalia.
Thursday: The foursome go to the inquiry and agree to have psychotropic drugs used for a mindscan. They sign a form agreeing to this and lick the envelopes.
Friday: The crew are found innocent on the original charges, and removed from the AR. But, they are found guilty on using confidential files and get a statutory sentence of two years.
Saturday: After their first day of work, Rimmer is so depressed he goes to see the social worker, who beat him up. He called Rimmer a "whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs." Then he pummels him repeatedly with his book, "Showing Compassion to Inmates." Rimmer then goes to see the priest and explains everything. He calls Rimmer "a whining baby who was missing his mum." Then he beats him up too, leaving crucifix marks on the back of his head.
Monday: Lister joins himself and his friends in the Canaries, thinking that they would get some privileges. The Canaries are a group of prisoners who are sent out on dangerous missions to make sure the area is safe for others. Their first mission is to go to the SSS Silverberg, a derelict ship located in an ocean on a moon. They stumble over Cassandra, a computer that can predict the future with 100% accuracy.
Because of her good behavior, Kochanski is placed on probation and given more rights.
Monday: Petersen sends Lister a letter telling him that he found his guitar in Starbug's wreckage and is having it sent to him. When Lister gets it the strings have been confiscated; so prisoners can't hang themselves. Lister gets a chance to get an appeal for his case.
Tuesday: Warden Ackerman gets mugged and his glass eye is stolen.
Wednesday: Ackerman asks the prisoner who stole his eye to return or all of the privileges will be revoked. Rimmer tells on the prisoner who stole the eye, so it would help the appeal look good. Kryten gets kidnapped by Kill Crazy and is reprogrammed. Kryten performs "Krytie TV", the first show is done in the woman's shower.
Thursday: Lister plans on giving Kochanski two bags of flour to apologize for watching the shower incident. Kryten tells Lister that Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend, Tim, are going out tonight and tells him how to sabotage Tim's quarters. Lister does what Kryten said, but finds out that it's actually the warden's quarters, as part of Krytie TV. With Rimmer's help, Lister helps clean the quarters. They chase down and capture Kryten and reprogram him back to the way he was.
Friday: Lister's appeal finally comes through and is approved. He is granted the right have guitar strings on his guitar. He plans on thanking Rimmer for helping him by writing a song for him.
Rimmer and Lister play a prank on Ackerman. They insert a capsule of truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his asthma inhaler. This causes him to report to the bridge apologizing for being late because he was having "jiggy jiggy" with the science officer's wife and didn't have enough time to change out of his Batman outfit.
Lister has one of the skutter's go into the Medi Lab and steal some potency drug to put in the guards half time juice. The gang is losing the game miserably, and at half time the guards drink the juice that makes them instantly priapic, making it difficult for them to move. The gang wins the game easily.
1 day later: Rimmer and Lister report to the captain's office for the basketball incident and are put on spud duty for 2 weeks. They have Bob the skutter steal a programmable virus, so they can program it to peel the potatoes. Meanwhile, the Canaries go to the SS Manny Celeste to locate 2 missing Canary battalions. They find the battalions frozen in time, caused by Tempest, a time wand. They send the battalion back in time before they found the wand, and smuggle it aboard the ship.
2 days later: Lister and Rimmer put the virus on the potatoes and it works like a charm. However, the virus gets onto them and eats their clothes and hair. Rimmer transfers the virus onto the captain who gives them two months in the hole. Kryten uses the time wand and freezes the entire crew.
In the hole, Rimmer and Lister meet "Birdman" and his sparrow Pete. Bob the skutter helps them escape. Pete dies and Kryten tries to revive him with the timewand, but reverts him into a Tyrannosaurus rex. They try to change him back, but he eats Bob the skutter who was holding the wand. In his stomach, Bob unfreezes the entire crew. The gang make a "cow vindaloo" to help the T. rex pass the wand.
The Canaries are sent on a mission to revert the dinosaur back to a bird. They find the sleeping dinosaur and revert him back to a sparrow. They destroy the wand not wanting to cause any more trouble.
Lister and Rimmer then find a dinosaur egg that's about to hatch. The baby T. rex escapes and "attacks" the captain by licking his back while he is getting a massage. He has post-traumatic stress disorder and can't speak. Hollister sends himself to the hole for 12 months.
Kryten, the Cat, Lister, and Rimmer are finally placed on probation.
At least 12 months after "Pete": A lone pod, with one life form, arrives from the SS Hermes
Kryten buys a calendar for Kochanski because she says "it's the wrong time of the month." Lister tricks Kryten into throwing a "Period Party" for Kochanski. Kryten gets his revenge on Lister by stealing some of Baxter's illegal hooch and hiding it in his shower, just ten minutes before an inspection. They try to drink it all, but get caught with it anyway. They are taken to the hospital to get their stomachs pumped.
Microbes begin to eat the ship. The crew take all of the escape pods and transport vessels leaving the prisoners behind. The gang decide to take some of the microbes into a mirror universe where it would be the antidote, which they could bring back and fix the ship. They open a portal, and Rimmer enters, but the machine breaks leaving him stranded there. He gets the antidote's name, and the portal is reopened, but the rest of the gang have already gone into the mirror universe looking for him.
The antidote he brings back reverses itself so it's the virus once again. The machine that opened the portal is now destroyed by the microbes, so Rimmer is left alone on a ship that is quickly falling apart
7 months 2 weeks since "Ouroboros": Kochanski places the in vitro tube, with Lister's "deposit", into the ship's uterus simulation chamber.
3,002,387:
16 months 2 weeks since "Ouroboros": Lister is born.
18 months since "Ouroboros": Lister uses the Time Drive and takes the baby version of himself, age six weeks, back to 2155.
Unknown years:
Rimmer dies, his last words were about to be 'Mummy mummy', except he runs out of time and ends up only saying 'Mu-'
Lister leaves a bath running and floods Holly.
Kochanski gets Kryten to tell Lister she was sucked out of an airlock.
Kryten receives Rimmer's permission to remove Lister's organs.
The crew meet Hoguey the Roguey, a rogue droid who loves duels across time and space.
3,002,396: Water supplies appear to be low. Kryten takes a holiday to the broom cupboard. The crew hallucinate meeting a hologram called Katerina Bartekovsky, who is there to replace Rimmer. Katerina sends the crew into a dimension where they are a TV show. They work out eventually that this is a despair squid hallucination and wake up.
3,002,398: Kryten performs a splenectomy on Lister. He puts his spleen in the fridge with the rest of his organs.
3,002,399: The crew receive a distress call from Rimmer's brother, Howard. Rimmer crashes his hard drive with resentment. Howard sacrifices himself.
Lister sends himself a father's day card. Rimmer and Kryten set up the new computer, Pree. Lister resigns and is thrown out of an airlock. He then rejoins the crew as his son, who is himself.
Lister asks the medicomp for a rube jab and receives a boob job.
Lister finds his organs in the fridge. The Cat eats them.
The crew find a rejuvenation shower. They end up accidentally time traveling and bring back a man called Jesus, who has a kidney stone. The Cat throws up after finding out he ate Lister's organs.
1 day later: Kryten removes Jesus's kidney stone.
1 day later: Jesus returns to 23AD to make sure 'This Christianity thingeth never taketh offetheth'
Lister has a huge kebab. Cat hunts a space weevil.
Cat and Kryten become quantum entangled.
Lister gambles with BEGGS and loses Starbug and Rimmer.
The crew find the ERRA station and rescue a scientist called Irene Edgington who turned herself into a chimpanzee.
Irene Edgington, now human, trips over a box and into the airlock. She is blasted into space.
Lister finds himself in a love triangle with two dispensers. Rimmer is threatened with demotion, so claims that Lister has PTSD and he hasn't reported for duty in over 3 million years as he's looking after him. He also removes the toilet paper from many toilets to save on money.
A mail pod arrives carrying a letter from Lister's ex, Hayley Summers. She's pregnant, the child is either his or Roy's
Lister attempts to pick up a vending machine that has fallen over, whilst lying on top if it.
Cat attempts to use a letter from Hayley Summers as toilet paper.
Lister finds out Roy is the father of Hayley Summers' baby.
Hoguey the Roguey challenges the crew to a duel across time and space as Lister killed his brother.
The ship is attacked by simulant death ships.
Rimmer discovers his father wasn't his father. He then destroys four simulant ships.
3,002,400: The crew of the Starbug, with the Time Drive, travel back fifteen years to meet themselves. They need to copy components off of the Time Drive to make their own work properly again. Their past selves destroy the Time Drive, so this doesn't happen.
3,002,403: The crew meet the expanoids, who demand they hand over the Casket of Cronus, a device allowing for time travel.
The Red Dwarf enters a reversed karma drive field around the sunken remains of the SS Samsara. An escape pod approaches, but the two survivors are killed before they come aboard. Lister cheats at mine-opoly and is rewarded.
Lister has his kidney's organ-napped by himself. Rimmer fires a lift.
Lister wakes up with a 'hangover'
Lister is nearly operated on by Asclepius.
Rimmer and Kryten rescue Snacky.
The crew realise Lister has no kidneys.
Lister organ-naps his kidneys. Rimmer promises to promote the lift he fired but never does so.
Rimmer is promoted to officer by a bio-print of Captain Herring. He bio-prints himself and ends up creating a monster. He resigns. The crew kill the Rimmer monster.
Kryten has a midlife crisis.
The crew talk to the universe, which has a midlife crisis.
The Cat becomes pregnant with polymorphlings.
3,002,404: The crew come across evil historical figures who have been cured. They turn out to be droids.
The crew encounter the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front, and, aside from Kryten, get turned into mechanoids. Lister's arm is cut off again.
Rimmer names a planet 'Rimmer'. He names its sun 'Sunny Rim'.
The crew encounter the SS Encomium, washed up by a time wave. The crew are arrested for criticising. Rimmer's inner critic destroys a machine made to extract inner critics but is destroyed by being criticised.
Lister and Cat download an SOS virus onto the ship's mainframe, Rimmer and Kryten run for machine president. Kryten wins the election and Cat throws Rimmer in the garbage hold with Talkie Toaster.
Red Dwarf is updated. Lister stops being able to see and hear non-m-Corp products and employees, including Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat.
Cat attempts to cook whilst Rimmer was checking the diesel decks. Cat sets himself on fire, distracting Rimmer as he has to put him out.
The crew start doing the opposite of what they attempt to do. Rimmer dimension hops to find a dimension where he is better than Lister. He fails.
Unknown date: Rodon takes over the Cat fleet, banning worship of Cloister.
Three cats escape and set a course for Red Dwarf.
3,002,407 (?): Lister starts drinking and hoarding. He discovers Holly's backup disk.
Rimmer and Kryten receive a distress call. Kryten is ordered to delete the memory of receiving it.
Holly is reactivated and starts decommissioning the ship.
3 months later: The crew come across the Iron Star. There Rimmer upgrades to Diamond Light, where he burns out his light-bee's battery, meaning he has to be plugged in at all times.
The crew discover the three cats, and then the ferals.
The crew escape in Starbug. Starbug's rear section, with all the engines, is hit by debris and catches on fire, so Lister uncouples the modules.
1 day later: The crew are buried in Starbug but contact Holly. Holly is convinced to download the most recent incremental backup and then saves them by blowing up the moon.
Rodon plants a bomb on the Red Dwarf. Kryten's batteries die. Lister uses the Anubis Stone to power Rimmer's diamond-light form, and Rimmer grabs the bomb and flies out with it. He then fires a laser from his finger, causing the ferals to attack Rodon.
Rimmer sacrifices his diamond-light form to save Kryten.
The cats now worship Rimmer as their god.
3,002,526: Lister, age 171, appears as a future echo from here urging the younger Lister to take a picture of his twin sons.
3,002,536: According to Casandra, Lister, at age 181, dies trying to remove a bra with his teeth.
End of time
The Inquisitor, a self-repairing Simulant, constructs a time machine. He uses it to erase all those who wasted their life and replace them with people who never had the chance of life. Due to Lister's actions, this time machine and the Inquisitor himself never existed.
The Universe stops expanding and starts to collapse in on itself, causing time to run backwards.
"1993": Rimmer and Kryten enter through a time hole and arrive on Earth where time is now running backwards.
3 weeks later: The Cat and Lister arrive and discover Kryten and Rimmer are an act at a local pub, calling themselves The Sensational Reverse Brothers. The foursome get into a bar room tidy and Kryten and Rimmer get fired from their jobs. The four return to their own time period.
The Big Crunch occurs.
