(For authenticity, this page is best read while severely disoriented and in the voice of Rich Fulcher)
Welcome to the Zooniverse, where all your dreams come true...niverse. I'm general manager Bob Fossil, and I'm a human. I'm your boss-man, but I'm also your friend, but I'm not your wife, but we have made massively violent love. Wait, did I say that out loud?
Anyways, I'm a music producer. I get all the best talent in London because I'm American, and as we all know, all Americans know Tom Selleck, so anybody who wants to become rich and famous has to be my friend.
(nipple-rub)
But you know the worst part of being a club manager? It's that I'm always running into these two commie boys named Vince and Howard who keep trying to get rich and famous by hanging out with me. TOUGH SHIT! YOU WANT TO GO PLACES? YOU WORK HARD LIKE MY GRANDDAUGHTER DID!
Where was I? Oh, yeah. My bestest friend in the whole Zooniverse is Dixon Bainbridge. He comes to the Zooniverse every now and then to get rich. He might come over to kiss me, who knows?
(nipple-rub)
Now let's see those words. You know, the blue words with the little black nips? The words that change everything when you click on them with the clickety-clicker? Those words! DO IT!
Blue Words with Black Nips About Bob Fossil
- Accidental Misnaming: Well, yeah if you wanna use the Latin names for these animals.
- American Eagle: I'm an American, so my country's pet is one of those flying men with the pointy mouths.
- Bad Boss: People think I'm a bad boss? "Oooh! I know business ethics! I can put my own pants on! I don't keep mushrooms in my desk drawer!"
- Bears Are Bad News: You mean the hairy Russian carpet man? Yeah, that guy nearly raped me yellow, but Naboo saved my life.
- Bird vs. Serpent: Nothing gets people into the Zoo like a fight between a flying man and a windy man.
- Cool Horse: Those clippy-cloppy men with hair coming from their asses are pretty cool.
- Covert Pervert: Technically, you're not a Peeping Tom if it's one of your relatives.
- Cruel Elephant: One of those big grey leg-faced guys headbutted me for trying to kiss it.
- Don't Tell Mama: My Mom thinks I'm trapped in a Vietnamese war camp.
- Fat Idiot: "Oooh! I'm a thin and smart person! I know how to read! I know all the animals names at the zoo!" (nipple-rub)
- Giant Spider: Those tiny little men with all the legs can get bigger?! JESUS CHRIST!
- Hilariously Abusive Childhood: So my mom used to hide in her bunker at breakfast, and throw eggs at me and call me "wimp wamp!" And my dad used to dress up and scream at us, "I'm a Chinese bear, walkin' around the wig-hut!" Yeah!
- Killer Rabbit: The little men with the big ears and big feet? They'll crawl up inside your anus!
- Madness Mantra: SHUT UP! NICEY-NICEY ZOO-ZOO!
- Mathematician's Answer: I run a business and the numbers just don't add up, let me explain:
- This is the number 2, OK? he runs a coffee shop.
- And this is the number 9. And 9 is a customer, right?
- One day 9 goes in and 2 goes "I don't have a coffee house no more, I have a knife fighting academy".
- And number 9 goes "I want coffee".
- And number 2 goes "NO, I'M GONNA SLICE YOU AND LEARN HOW TO SLICE OTHERS".
- AND 9 GOES "I CAN'T I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!"
- AND 2 GOES "I'VE LOCKED THE DOOR!"
- Politically Incorrect Villain: I got a problem with the black and white people at the zoo. You know? The black-eyed Chinese people that eat sticks?
- Slippery as an Eel: You mean the windy underwater man?
- Threatening Shark: Otherwise known as the bitey-bite man who lives in the sea.
And that's why I don't like cricket!
