- Date First Aired: 17/01/1994
The staff of Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre are preparing for the christening of Brittas' recently born twin sons, Matthew and Mark Brittas. As they perform the rehearsal, Helen is off buying a hat. As they perform the (extremely confusing) rehearsal, Brittas' brother Horatio arrives, wanting to talk. On his way to his office, Brittas throws a prayer book at Carole, which ends up in Ben's portable potty and ruins the cake that Carole made.
As it turns out, Horatio has found "the one". To be more specific, he's found a girl named Philippa and he intends to marry her, but first, he wants some advice from Brittas.
Helen returns to the centre, wanting to show off her new hats. However, it turns out that she left the twins on the bus. The staff set up a search for the twins. As Brittas prepares to leave, he meets a woman who turns out to be just as obnoxious as him, much to his annoyance. As it turns out, she's the Philippa mentioned by his brother.
Brittas heads to the local chocolate shop as part of the search. However, the person manning the till is annoyed by one of Brittas' decisions and screws with him by wasting his time.
Returning to the centre, Brittas finds that Philippa sent all of the guests for the Christening home. She proceeds to call Helen a bad mother in front of her face, provoking her into headbutting her, writing "COW" on her forehead, and dunking her head in a toilet, leading to one of Philippa's earrings going down the toilet.
Luckily, Colin idea of putting a card in front of the newsagent's works and the children are found. The Christening itself proceeds to go poorly however. Carole ends up serving everyone the piss covered cake (with correcting fluid used on it) whilst the children end up having to be christened in the toilets. Oh, and Brittas is trying to locate the lost earring in the toilet system. He's eventually successful in doing so.
Horatio talks to Brittas, where Brittas admits that he doesn't like her but lets him marry her. After the reception (where Carole admits the truth about the cake), Laura has a talk with Brittas, where Brittas blames Philippa for the day's events, as well as concluding that people like that aren't likely to change at all.
Tropes featured in this episode:
- Actually, I Am Him: When Philippa comes into the centre, she gets mad at Brittas, ending with the statement of what the manager would think if he saw him putting forward the alleged viewpoint of the customer always being wrong. This pisses Brittas off a lot and is about to say what the manager would think but is distracted before he could do so.
- Ancestral Name: Judging by a banner in the episode, Mark's middle name is Gordon, after his father. Matthew appears to have the same middle name as well, although its positioning makes it more difficult to read.
- Baby-Doll Baby: The baby dolls are so realistic that Colin acts as if one of them were an actual child, planning to change its nappy until Laura reminds him otherwise.
- The Big Board: The meeting on how the staff is going to locate Helen's children includes a map of Whitbury in the staff room (with the path that Helen took in a red line) put up like a big board.
- Bloody Hilarious: Helen headbutts Philippa in the face resulting in blood pouring out of her nose and all over her shocked face. This is all Played for Laughs.
- Cat Fight: Helen headbutts Philippa in the face in reception after she calls her unsuited to be a mother.
- Cloud Cuckoo Lander: Helen doesn't notice that she's lost her children until she arrives at the centre and Laura points it out. She almost makes the same mistake again at the end of the episode.
- Comedic Sociopathy: Helen puts Philippa through hell and shows no remorse for it.
- Conveniently Timed Distraction: Carole does try to tell Laura early in the episode that the cake due for the christening has been ruined by toddler piss, but is distracted by Helen entering the centre before she can say.
- Distaff Counterpart: Philippa is basically a female Brittas, with both being people so annoying that no one can stand them, but having hidden hearts of gold and good intentions underneath their obnoxious exteriors.
- Dropped in the Toilet: Helen dunks Philippa's head in the toilet, causing one of her earrings to fall in. Brittas is thus forced to spend several hours attempting to retrieve it for her, with the studio audience even reacting in disgust when it cuts to him pulling out gunk from the piping connecting the toilets.
- Even the Loving Hero Has Hated Ones: For all his faults, Brittas always tries to see the good in people. Then he meets Philippa and can't stand her after five minutes of talking to her.
- Face Doodling: Helen gets so pissed at Philippa that she doodles the word "COW" on her forehead.
- Failed a Spot Check: Helen absolutely fails to notice that she's lost her children until Laura points it out at the centre.
- Faint in Shock: Colin's response when he misunderstands a comment from Laura and believes that he just removed the head of a real baby.
- Genius Ditz: Although Colin is an idiot, it's his idea of putting a postcard in front of the newsagent which helps save the day in the end.
- The Ghost: Uncle Herbert is brought up several times during the christening rehearsal, only to be sent home by Philippa and never shown on screen.
- Hope Spot: Brittas' hopes that his missing children are found are raised when Tim and Gavin enter the centre with white bundles... until they reveal that they are not in fact children, but duvets they bought at Debenhams.
- Hypocritical Humour: Carole agrees with Helen after the latter headbutts and gives Philippa a Swirlie for calling her a bad mother, remarking that Philippa doesn't know anything about motherhood and it's as if she doesn't realise that they know what's best with their children... whilst putting one of her twin children in a drawer and closing it shut with a thump.
- It Runs in the Family: Like Brittas, Horatio seems to erroneously believe that the marriage between Brittas and Helen is perfect.
- Jerkass Has a Point: Whilst Philippa is a very annoying and unpleasant person, she does have a valid point when she calls Helen a bad mother, seeing as she had just misplaced her twins on the bus.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Philippa is nothing but a rude obnoxious person when she appears on-screen, yet Horatio claims that she does have a kind side, having standards and believing deeply in things, which is what attracted him to her in the first place.
- Let Me at Him!: Helen tries to attack Philippa, but Brittas restrains her before she can do so. Doesn't stop her from headbutting Philippa in the face.
- Missing Child: Helen manages to misplace her twin children during a trip on the bus, prompting a town-wide hunt to get them back.
- Nasal Trauma: Helen headbutts Philippa so hard that blood starts coming out of her nose.
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: Brittas accidentally splashes piss all over the cake to be served at his twin boys' christening.
- Noodle Incident:
- Apparently, Horatio has had a visit from an angel.
- When Helen headbutts Philippa in the face, Brittas tells her that they can't afford another lawsuit.
- Oblivious to His Own Description: Brittas refers to Philippa as the sort of person who could cause fights and has poor social skills, oblivious to the fact that this definition also matches himself.
- One-Shot Character: Philippa Belmot and Pete.
- Shout-Out:
- Brittas quotes Camelot when talking to his brother about how to handle a woman.
- The christening goes so disastrously that Julie reckons that she has enough content for an entire episode for Jeremy Beadle (at the time the host for You've Been Framed).
- Skewed Priorities: In the middle of a town-wide search for their Manager's missing children, Tim and Gavin manage to take time out to indulge in an offer on duvets in Debenhams.
- Swirlie: Part of Helen's solution to being called a bad mother by Philippa is to dunk her head down the toilet, leading to one of her earrings getting lost down there.
- Toilet Humour:
- Carole's cake gets splashed by baby piss and she spends the episode trying to cover up this fact, which ends up leading to the majority of the people at the ceremony eating piss-covered cake.
- Where was the christening held in the end? The toilets.
- Too Much Alike: Brittas and Philippa. She's one of the only characters in the whole series he actively dislikes.
- Too Spicy for Yog-Sothoth: Philippa is the one person in the world too annoying for Gordon Brittas.
- Trauma Conga Line: Philippa gets headbutted in the face, has "COW" written on her forehead and her head dunked in a toilet all because she called Helen a bad mother.
- Use Your Head: Helen's solution to stop Philippa from calling her a bad mother? Headbutt her point-blank in the face and break her nose.
- Waxing Lyrical: Brittas quotes from the Camelot song "How to Handle a Woman" when talking to Horatio initially.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: Did Horatio ever actually marry Philippa in the end? We'll never know, as aside from one indirect reference by Carole in "Curse of the Tiger Women", he is never referred to again.
- Who's on First?: Brittas' christening rehearsal quickly devolves into this.Linda: Which one's Mark?Mr. Brittas: Oh for God's sake, they're twins! Just take one and let Tim take the other!Tim: From Colin?Mr. Brittas: Yes!Tim: And is Colin Colin or is Colin you?Mr. Brittas: What?Colin: I thought I was supposed to give mine to Uncle Herbert?Tim: Who's Uncle Herbert?
- Zany Scheme: Brittas' rehearsal for the christening of his baby twins which makes sense to nobody but him.Mr. Brittas: Look, there is no need for anyone to think! It's all perfectly simple, I'll go through it one more time. I am the Reverend Horatio Brittas. Laura is Mrs. Brittas, my wife. Colin is me, except when he is standing over here with a candle when he is Colin. Tim is Uncle Herbert, Matthew's main Godparent, who'll be joining us from Godalming later. And he and Laura, who is Mark's main Godparent and who in these circumstances is Linda, come back and collect the babies from me, who is Colin, and Mrs. Brittas, who is Laura. What could be simpler?
