Note: This recap is for the play, not the movie, and is based on the 2011 script revision. A note at the end gives the framing scenes from the film version; there are other slight changes but the gist of the scenes is generally the same.
The Program
The program is for the Show Within a Show Nothing On, with the following cast:
- Dottie Otley as Mrs. Clackett
- Garry Lejeune as Roger Tramplemain
- Brooke Ashton as Vicki
- Frederick Fellowes as Philip Brent
- Belinda Blair as Flavia Brent
- Selsdon Mowbray as The Burglar.
The director is listed as Lloyd Dallas, with Tim Allgood as company and stage manager and Poppy Norton-Taylor as assistant stage manager.
Act One: Grand Theatre, Weston-super-Mare. Monday 14 January
The play opens onto the living room of a fancy English house. From the ground floor there is the front door of the house, plus doors to the service quarters, the study, and a bathroom. A staircase leads up to a mezzanine with another bathroom, then a gallery with the master bedroom, a linen cupboard, and a corridor to the attic.
Mrs. Clackett, an older woman played by Dotty Otley, comes in from the service quarters with a newspaper, a plate of sardines, and a plan to spend her afternoon off watching "the royal". She receives a phone call about the house, explaining that the owner isn't there, and then prepares to go into the study, leaving the phone and the sardines. She stops and asks if that's right.
The director, Lloyd Dallas, replies from among the audience that she is to leave the sardines and take the newspaper. Discussion ensues about these details, then Roger Tramplemain (played by Garry Lejeune) and Vicki (played by Brooke Ashton) enter and start saying their lines until Lloyd interrupts them; in the course of this conversation, it comes out that this is the final dress rehearsal before the play Nothing On opens the next day.
Garry seems very solicitous of Dottie's feelings but his trains of thought often derail; Brooke seems off in her own little world, with her response to most questions being a befuddled, "Sorry?"
The play restarts with Roger and Vicki entering with a box of tax files and a flight bag containing a bottle of champagne; Roger is lying that this is his house, and is here for a quick assignation with Vicki, knowing that it's Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off. He has the keys because he works for the agents attempting to lease out the house while the owners are abroad; he is scheduled to show it to an Arab oil sheikh at four PM. As Vicki goes into the bathroom, he runs into Mrs. Clackett and, after unsuccessfully trying to hide Vicki, tells Mrs. Clackett that Vicki is looking to rent the house. Roger and Vicki go upstairs, finding the other bathroom and the linen cupboard before being unable to open the master bedroom door.
As they fight with the door, Philip and Flavia Brent (played by Frederick Fellowes and Belinda Blair, respectively) come in through the front door, carrying a flight bag and a box of groceries, both of which look exactly like the bag and box that Roger was carrying. They find that the door can't close. Tim, the stagehand, is summoned to fix the doors; it's clear that he hasn't slept in far too long. As Tim repairs the doors, the cast looks around for the missing member of the company, Selsdon Mowbray, who they fear has gone off to get drunk. Poppy, the stage manager, is sent to look for him, but he comes out from the back of the theatre wearing his Burglar costume, standing off-stage while everyone panics about where he is. Brooke spots him and eventually convinces everyone else to notice him. Lloyd tells Tim to order two extra Burglar costumes, in case Selsdon wanders off again.
They restart the play with Roger and Vicki going into the master bedroom just as Philip and Flavia enter. Mrs. Clackett startles them, and they tell her that they're not really there; they're in Spain, dodging Inland Revenue. They've briefly snuck back in to celebrate their anniversary. Mrs. Clackett mentions that she hasn't been forwarding anything from Inland Revenue to them, so as to not spoil their holiday; Philip goes into the study to investigate as Flavia goes into the mezzanine bathroom to get a hot-water bottle, to air out their bed. Roger and Vicki come out of the bedroom, saying they could hear voices; Vicki has removed her dress and is now in her underwear.
Frederick stops the rehearsal to discuss his character's motivations, which he is confused about; the discussion goes to Selsdon, leading to another round of wondering where he is. In response, he starts his entry as the Burglar, breaking a window and climbing in. He is told he's not on yet, and goes back out. Frederick continues to discuss why his character is carrying the box and bag into the study, and Lloyd (after several attempts to blow him off) gives an explanation that works for him.
They restart the play with Roger and Vicki coming out of the bedroom, Vicki still in her underwear. They find Mrs. Clackett again, with another plate of sardines. Roger shoves Vicki into the linen cupboard and keeps the door closed, as he asks Mrs. Clackett if there is anyone else there; she says that there isn't. Frederick exclaims, "Oh, good Lord above!", which Mrs. Clackett claims she said. Roger goes downstairs and sees the Brents' car, going outside to investigate with both plates of sardines. Flavia leaves the bathroom and, seeing the laundry closet door moving, closes and locks it, then goes into the bedroom.
Philip comes out of the study, distraught about the letters from Inland Revenue that appear to be rather threatening. Mrs. Clackett goes to make herself some more sardines as Flavia comes out, holding up Vicki's dress, which she considers 'tarty'; she takes it up to the attic and throws it out the window. Philip returns to the study to attempt to glue the envelope closed again, as Roger re-enters the house and hears knocking upstairs. He frees Vicki from the linen cupboard and they enter the bedroom.
Except that Brooke doesn't, as she's lost a contact lens. As the cast searches for it, Brooke bumps heads with Poppy and steps on Garry's hand; the violence causes Frederick to develop a nosebleed. Brooke finds the lost contact lens, in her eye; Frederick feels faint from the sight of blood.
Roger and Vicki enter the bedroom as Philip comes out of the study, asking if the glue is permanent, and picks up a plate of sardines, re-entering the study. Roger and Vicki come back out with the hot water bottle, very confused, and go into the mezzanine bathroom to investigate. Flavia goes into the bedroom, asking her husband if he's coming.
Roger and Vicki come back out and head toward the bedroom, only for Roger to realize that the sardines on the table below have gone. As they look down there, Flavia reaches out and puts the flight bag on the table outside the bedroom door. Vicki, panicking, can only say, "Bag! Bag!" as she points toward the bag that has mysteriously appeared. While she is talking to Roger, Flavia comes out of the bedroom with the box of files, picks up the flight bag, and heads down the corridor again. Vicki brings Roger back and is shocked to find the bag has vanished; Roger enters the bedroom and says that Vicki's files have also gone, as has her dress. She refuses to enter the bedroom for fear it's haunted; he tells her to wait in the study as he heads into the service quarters to find Mrs. Clackett. Vicki sees Philip in the study and flees out the front door. Philip comes out of the study, saying he's glued to the sardines and the tax demand. Flavia tells him she's going to clean out the attic if he can't come up to the bedroom, and to get the bottle marked 'poison' in the downstairs bathroom, as that should dissolve the glue.
As they leave, the Burglar (played by Selsdon) breaks into the house. Lloyd interrupts the play to try to tell him to come in earlier; however, Selsdon is hard of hearing and misunderstands. However, he also comments that he should probably enter earlier, to Lloyd's simultaneous relief and frustration.
They restart at the Burglar's entrance; he unplugs the TV and puts it on the couch, thinking it's a microwave, then heads toward the study. Roger and Mrs. Clackett come in from the service quarters, discussing whether there is a history of paranormal phenomena in the house, and are startled to see that Vicki has vanished and the television has moved onto the sofa, apparently of its own accord. He looks into the study, seeing the Burglar, but Mrs. Clackett says she can't see anyone. He sees the latest plate of sardines and takes it upstairs, looking for Vicki. He searches the linen cupboard and bedroom as Selsdon carries things out of the study, including Philip's box and bag.
Philip comes out of the bathroom with the front of his trousers eaten away by the poison but his hands still stuck to the tax demand and plate of sardines. He starts to lower his trousers in fear of the poison eating through body parts, but pulls them back up as he sees Roger, who he assumes is from Inland Revenue; he claims he's not there, confusing Roger. He offers Roger a sardine, causing his trousers to fall. Roger calls 999, and Philip flees out the front door with his trousers around his ankles. Vicki comes in through the window and says she recognized Philip - she works for Inland Revenue and is investigating his case. Roger hangs up the phone as all their problems seem to be solved - the sex pervert has fled, and Vicki has returned. They go into the bathroom, carrying Philip's box and bag (which they believe are Roger's bag and Vicki's files), in a search for something for Vicki to wear.
The Burglar comes out of the study with more loot, then goes up to the mezzanine bathroom. Vicki and Roger come out of the bathroom with a bathmat, which Vicki says she can't possibly cover up with and still maintain the dignity of Inland Revenue. Philip, Vicki, and Flavia all meet each other; Vicki is mortified at being seen in less-than-professional dress, Philip is still having trouble keeping his pants up, and Flavia sees Philip with his pants around his ankles and Vicki in her underwear, and assumes they're having an affair. Roger comes out holding a sheet, which he attempts to offer to Vicki but actually gives to Philip.
The Burglar, attempting to steal some gold water taps, claims to be a taps inspector, confusing everyone. Philip misunderstands him as a tax inspector, while Roger mishears him as saying 'attacks' and thinks he's another sex maniac.
Everyone comes and goes through various doors; Philip wraps a white bedsheet around himself while Vicki does similar with a black bedsheet. Roger sees Philip and assumes he's the sheikh who is coming at four. He starts showing him around the house as everyone ends up in the living room area. Mrs. Clackett pulls the sheet away from Vicki, revealing her. Roger, Flavia, and the Burglar all recognize her: Roger as his date, Flavia as the woman she thinks Philip is cheating on her with, and the Burglar as his daughter. As everyone is digesting this, the actual sheikh arrives, played by Frederick, complete with trousers around his ankles.
Everyone attacks him for various reasons until Lloyd calls a stop to it because the sheikh is not supposed to have trousers under his robes. Tim is supposed to help him dress, but Tim is asleep behind the couch. Frederick takes the opportunity to ask why the sheikh looks exactly like Philip; Lloyd makes up an excuse that they are half-brothers. They attempt to restart the play, but Brooke is also confused about the resemblance between the sheikh and Philip. Lloyd yells at her, causing her to run off in tears; he follows. The rest of the cast mention that Lloyd and Brooke spent the weekend together; Poppy cries out and leaves, and Lloyd follows her, as Selsdon asks, "Her, too?" Lloyd returns and they finish the act, saying that there's nothing like a good old-fashioned plate of sardines.
Act Two: Theatre Royal, Ashton-under-Lyne. Wednesday matinée, 13 February.
The set has been reversed during the interval, so that we are now seeing the backstage view of the Brents' house. A props table holds (among other things) several plates of sardines, and a fire-point has fire-buckets and a fire-axe.
Poppy and Tim call the performers to get ready for Act One, and discuss that Dotty has locked herself in her dressing room. Lloyd pops his head in through the pass door, then hides again at the sight of Poppy. As Poppy leaves, Lloyd enters with a bottle of whiskey, telling Tim he isn't there. He's there to try to calm Brooke down between shows with the whiskey and some romance, and sends Tim out to get some flowers as Tim tries to tell him that Dotty and Garry are having relationship issues.
Lloyd leaves. The cast sees the whiskey and thinks that Selsdon has started hiding bottles around the backstage area. Frederick comes out from trying to talk to Dotty, and calmly mentions that Garry wants to kill him, because he spent the previous evening talking to Dotty until 3am. Tim returns with flowers, which Poppy intercepts, thinking they're a gift from Tim to her. Multiple front-of-house calls are made by Tim and Poppy, as they don't realize the other has made them.
Lloyd enters, very irate about the front-of-house calls. Both Poppy and Brooke want to talk to Lloyd; he's been ignoring a large number of messages from Poppy, but one message from Brooke made him come running. He heads back out to the front of the house to watch the show.
Garry comes out from his dressing room, fuming, as they get ready to start the show. Dotty also comes out and pointedly ignores Garry. Frederick goes to say a few words to calm everyone down, but since Tim and Poppy both announced that the show was about to start imminently, Lloyd comes back to find out what the delay is. He sends Tim off to buy more flowers as Poppy sobs.
The show then begins, as seen in Act One, but now from backstage and without interruptions. Frederick attempts to comfort Garry, but Garry silently threatens to hit him. Frederick gets a nosebleed from this and feels faint; Dotty (coming offstage) comforts him. Garry, picking up the box, sees this and stomps on Frederick's foot before going back on stage. He sees Dotty kneeling down in front of Frederick and assumes they are doing something sexual; in a fury, the next time he comes off stage he charges at them. Belinda pushes him back on stage, then sends Dotty on as well, and tries to tell Frederick that Dotty has taken a fancy to him; Frederick doesn't get it.
Selsdon finds the whiskey and heads toward the dressing rooms with it; Belinda chases after him and brings him back. Belinda and Frederick try to keep Dotty from breaking down and Selsdon from going off with the whiskey. Dotty gives Frederick a brief kiss in gratitude, which Garry sees and is infuriated by. The whiskey bottle gets passed around until it ends up with Brooke, who sets it down. Selsdon grabs it and takes it back to the dressing rooms.
Tim returns with a smaller batch of flowers, which he hands to Belinda as he heads back to the dressing rooms. Belinda hands the flowers to Frederick and grabs the fire axe to go break down Selsdon's door, but realizes she has to go on stage, so she hands the axe to Brooke. Garry comes back and sees Frederick with the flowers, growing even more enraged. Frederick hands Garry the flowers so he can go on stage. Brooke asks Garry what to do with the axe; he hands her the flowers and takes the axe with an evil smile. Brooke goes toward the dressing rooms to find Selsdon as Belinda tries to grab the axe; Dotty sees Belinda with her arms around Garry.
Dotty grabs the axe from Garry and raises it to hit him. Frederick grabs it away from her, and hands it to Garry, who prepares to attack Frederick with it. Dotty grabs it away and threatens Garry with it, only for Belinda to grab it away from all three of them. Tim takes the axe from her and heads down to the dressing rooms.
Brooke is supposed to come on, but is still down in the dressing rooms, so Poppy reads her lines. Lloyd comes back to find out what is going on, and tells Poppy to go on for Brooke, tearing her skirt off just as Brooke arrives backstage. Brooke goes on and starts playing the scene that she missed. Dotty asks Lloyd if the second batch of flowers, which she is now holding, are for her; Lloyd absently agrees, so she gives him a quick kiss, which Garry sees.
Tim brings Selsdon back, along with the whiskey and the axe. Frederick roars in surprise, exactly on cue. Tim gives the axe to Lloyd and grabs the flowers from Dotty, who grabs them back, leaving him with just one. He hands the lone flower to Lloyd, who gives it to Brooke, who storms off to the dressing rooms. Lloyd sends Tim off to buy more flowers as Dotty's flowers are dropped on Poppy's desk with the first bunch.
Selsdon, trying to grab the whiskey again, misses his cue and has his trousers fall down. He is bundled over to the window to do his scene. Garry grabs the axe and approaches Frederick, as Dotty and Belinda play tug-of-war with Frederick as they both attempt to protect him. Selsdon interrupts them to get a prompt for his next line, which Poppy provides.
Tim returns with a third, even smaller bunch of flowers, which Lloyd ends up handing to Belinda as he deals with Selsdon and the whiskey. Belinda gives Lloyd a kiss just as Brooke returns from the dressing rooms. Lloyd sends Tim out for a fourth bunch of flowers as the third batch is also placed on Poppy's desk, causing Brooke to start back toward the dressing rooms.
Garry, seeing Frederick with his arms around Dotty as he tries to show her where Selsdon hid the whiskey most recently, dumps his plate of sardines on Dotty's head. As he smugly takes a swig of the whiskey, Dotty ties his shoelaces together, causing him to wipe out and fall down the stairs. Everyone is horrified until he speaks, confirming that she didn't kill him.
Frederick comes backstage, feeling faint due to seeing Garry's accident. Lloyd tries to get Brooke back onstage; she recoils and loses both of her contact lenses, causing the entire backstage cast to look for them silently. Brooke needs to go on stage, so she stumbles on, tripping over the couch. Selsdon checks Dotty to see if they're in her clothes, only for Garry to see Selsdon groping Dotty. Garry goes to attack everyone, but can't get anywhere before he has to go back on stage, because his shoelaces are still tied together. Frederick and Lloyd help search Dotty, which Garry sees in increasing rage.
Tim returns with a cactus, which he hands to Lloyd. Lloyd distractedly hands it to Dotty. Garry takes the cactus and shoves it into the seat of Lloyd's pants. He then takes the cactus up top and ties the white and black sheets, waiting for Frederick and Brooke, together.
Everyone watches in surprise as Dotty removes cactus spines from Lloyd's bottom.
Lloyd, finally, gets to give the cactus to Brooke, and kisses it painfully as Tim explains that the entire stock of the florist got sidetracked to Poppy.
Frederick and Brooke attempt to go on, but their tied-together sheets make it difficult, and the cast's attempts to fix things only make things worse. Lloyd sets the cactus aside on a chair for later.
Tim and Frederick both end up trying to go on as the sheikh, and Lloyd is just about to sit on the cactus as Poppy says she has to tell him something. She tries to whisper it, but he can't hear her. Just as the show hits a quiet spot, she shouts that she's going to have a baby. In shock, Lloyd sits down on the cactus.
Act Three: Municipal Theatre, Stockton-on-Tees. Saturday 6 April
The curtain starts to go up, then stops and falls. Tim comes in from the wings and apologizes for the delay as Dotty and Belinda scream at each other about Frederick.
Meanwhile, Poppy apologizes over the tannoy, and Tim tries to speak around her.
The curtain goes up, showing the front of the set again, and Dotty limps in with a plate in one hand and a handful of sardines in the other. She gets tangled in the phone cord, and in the confusion, she loses the sardines under the newspaper, then sits on them. She drops the newspaper and sardines, picks them up, and takes them off-stage while dragging the phone behind her.
Roger and Vicki come in. Roger tries to put the phone back on the table, but it jumps off again; he keeps trying to put it back, but it keeps coming off. The cable comes loose, and he tosses it offstage.
Mrs. Clackett comes back in with the handset, which she puts on top of the TV, then starts looking for sardines under the couch. Roger steps on a newspaper that has sardines hiding underneath, and slips.
Mrs. Clackett brings in the fire bucket and mop to clean up the sardines, only to find that a bottle of whiskey is hiding in the fire bucket. She hands Roger the mop, and he starts cleaning up as Brooke continues to give Vicki's lines without noticing that Garry isn't giving her the right cues.
Roger is still downstairs when Philip and Flavia arrive, commenting that they have the place entirely to themselves as they watch him run upstairs. They attempt to straighten out the phone, and then find the sardines hiding in the newspaper again; Frederick places them on the sofa. He slips on the oil from the sardines, bangs into the bucket and mop, and then gets a nosebleed and feels faint, rushing upstairs to the bedroom.
Mrs. Clackett comes back in and is about to sit on the pile of newspaper and sardines when Flavia warns her off. Mrs. Clackett, furious, brings the sardines up to Flavia, who is outside the mezzanine bathroom, and shoves the sardines down the front of Flavia's dress. She flees, chased by Flavia.
Roger and Vicki come out of the bedroom, Vicki in her underwear, and Roger trips over the bag and box that Frederick left there. Mrs. Clackett returns, fishing sardines out of the front of her dress. Roger tries to open the door again, but the box and bag are in the way, and the door handle comes off. He moves the box and bag, puts Vicki in the closet, and then takes the box and bag downstairs.
There is a crash offstage as Frederick falls down the backstage stairs, taking the platform with him; Mrs. Clackett smashes things on the sideboard in imitation. Roger goes outside, bringing the bag and box with him.
Tim comes in, now playing the role of Philip, to Flavia's confusion. Mrs. Clackett comes in and finds the sardines that are supposed to be missing; she says she'll go make a plate of sardines in celebration, and Tim!Philip goes back into the study.
Roger hears the knocking upstairs, but the door handle is missing, and he can't open the door. He tries to convince her to go around, but she isn't willing to so he goes in and fetches her via the bedroom.
Frederick comes back out, playing Philip again, but the cue is wrong. Vicki recites her next lines even though Roger isn't giving her the right lines to work from. Philip goes offstage again to wait.
As Roger, Vicki, and Flavia continue on, Philip keeps trying to do his bit about the tax demands, but he can't squeeze it in.
Roger double-takes that the sardines have vanished, except they haven't. Flavia sneaks in and takes them, causing another double-take. Vicki looks at the spot where the bag is supposed to be, except it isn't, so she halfheartedly says, "Bag..." Flavia returns the sardines, then heads up to replace the bag. Vicki points at the spot where there isn't a bag, crying, "Bag! Bag!" as Roger points at the sardines and says, "Sardines! Sardines!"
Flavia returns the bag, just as Vicki switches to, "No bag!" Vicki, of course, continues with the lines from the script as Roger moves the bag inside the bedroom. He goes to find her dress, which is lying on the gallery floor, and tries to slide it aside; it falls over and lands on Vicki's head, knocking her contact lenses out. Roger goes to head downstairs and trips over the bag and box, falling down the stairs. Philip comes out and gets another nosebleed.
Flavia tries to continue the scene with the situation as it is; Philip is feeling faint, Mrs. Clackett no longer cares, and Vicki keeps rattling off the expected lines even when they aren't appropriate.
Flavia sends Philip in to get the poison that eats through anything, and Tim (as the Burglar) starts to break in, causing Flavia to comment how exciting this is. Philip realizes that he triggered this by giving the cue for the Burglar to come in; in doing so, he does it again, and Selsdon comes in as the Burglar. He and Tim start doing the part in unison.
Discussing the cue, it gets said again, and Lloyd comes in as the Burglar, causing Mrs. Clackett to comment how they always come in threes. The three burglars continue the scene in unison. Trying to find a way out, the actors start running around with the sardines through the doors, then with phones, boxes, bags, and sheets.
Flavia claims he's saying that all they want now is a happy ending; Poppy enters, in the sheikh costume, which they call her wedding dress. She is put next to Lloyd, and Mrs. Clackett asks if he takes this sheet to be his lawful wedded wife.
Selsdon tries to give the last line, but forgets the word, 'sardines'. The curtain gets called down, but it stops above the level of their heads. The cast tries to pull it down, but it detaches and lands on them all.
Framing scenes in the movie
Lloyd flees the theater where the show is about to make its Broadway debut. He stalks off through New York as (in voiceover) he says that he should have run away much sooner, as soon as Dotty came on with that first plate of sardines. Cut to the Des Moines Theater, and act one of the play.
After act one, we cut back to a view of the Des Moines Theater as Lloyd's voiceover says that audiences loved it in Des Moines, and they laughed at the end of Act Two. We see a brief bit of the end of Act Two of Nothing On, with two constables (played by Tim and Poppy) appearing at the door of a darkened house as Roger and Vicki canoodle on the stairs, Philip and Flavia are wrapped around each other on the couch, and Mrs. Clackett and the Burglar are together by the fireplace. The voice-over talks about the problems they had in Decatur and other cities, and about catching up with them in Miami Beach. Lloyd comes in the front door and, when the usher asks him for his ticket, he points to the photo of him on the wall and signals to her to keep his presence quiet. Act two of the play begins.
After act two, Lloyd is sitting on a curb telling a wino that, as bad as Miami Beach was, things kept getting worse. The wino shares his bottle, which Lloyd drinks from, then says that nothing could have prepared them for the final horror: Cleveland. Act Three starts.
After act three, we go back to Lloyd walking along the street in New York City as the ushers open the doors in preparation for the end of the play. He hears laughter inside, and goes in to see what's happening. The audience is thrilled with the show, laughing along with it. We get the final scene again, with the audience shouting "Sardines!" along with the constables as the play ends to raucous laughter and cries of "Bravo!" Lloyd shouts, "We did it!" and claims he never doubted it for a moment as he heads backstage. We see that Brooke and Garry are a couple, and Tim has a girlfriend who looks like she works backstage. Poppy is very visibly pregnant, and greets Lloyd cheerfully when she sees him.
The cast of the play is preparing to take a bow when they spot Lloyd, and they drag Lloyd, Poppy and Tim out to join them; Dotty shows off Lloyd and Poppy's matching wedding rings. The cast bows as the curtain goes up and down.
