Title: Diane's Perfect Date
Directed by: James Burrows
Written by: David Lloyd
Air Date: February 10, 1983
Previous: The Boys in the Bar
Next: No Contest
Guest Starring: John Ratzenberger, Derek McGrath, Gretchen Corbett, Doug Sheehan
"Diane's Perfect Date" is the 17th episode of the first season of Cheers.
Diane returns from a weekend away with a handsome fellow named Walter (Doug Sheehan) who has an incredibly irritating habit of counting, with precision, the number of letters in every sentence anyone says to him. ("Stop doing that, Walter." "Nineteen." "I MEAN IT!" "Seven.") Diane's chagrin at her disastrous date and Sam's gleeful amusement at same leads to an argument about the respective qualities of the people they date. Diane challenges Sam to find a date for her and says she will do the same for him. When Diane says she knows the perfect woman for Sam—"bright, witty, attractive", someone to "challenge" him—Sam assumes she is talking about herself.
Unfortunately Sam is wrong, as he discovers the next night when he gets ready for a date with Diane only to find that Diane has brought her friend Gretchen (Gretchen Corbett) to the bar to be his date. Caught flat-footed, Sam dashes back into the pool room and grabs the only person there: a short, nebbishy guy named Andy (Derek McGrath). Sam passes Andy off as an old friend and the foursome goes out to dinner—but Andy is not what he seems.
In the relatively abbreviated B-plot, unemployed Norm Petersen struggles to come up with a resume that makes him sound interesting.
Andy makes his return in Season 2 episode "Homicidal Ham".
Tropes:
- Beware the Quiet Ones: Andy, who comes across as the most harmless beta male possible, is apparently a deranged murderer.
- Black Comedy: Diane goes out on a date with a mild-mannered fellow named Andy who turns out to be a homicidal maniac.Andy: (with creepy intensity) Did you ever dream that you have claws?
- Double Date: Goes disastrously wrong when the guy Sam picks for Diane turns out to be a psycho.
- Evil Laugh: Carla's demonic cackle, after she realizes that Sam has exactly the wrong idea about his impending date. She does not tell him.
- I Lied: At the end, Diane demands Sam admit that he carries a torch for her, and says that if he does, she'll admit that she's carrying one for him. After he grudgingly admits that yes, he's carrying a torch for her, she smiles triumphantly and says "Well, I'm not carrying one for you."
- Wacky Cravings: The Teaser has Diane sitting down to have a roast beef sandwich for lunch. Heavily pregnant Carla sits down next to Diane and starts to talk about cravings. Carla busts out a jar of olives and pimentos, and takes the pimentos out of the olives. She opens a can of anchovies and stuffs the anchovies with the pimentos. After she dumps sugar all over the anchovies Diane gets up and says she's lost her appetite. Carla grins, says "Works every time," and eats Diane's roast beef sandwich.
- Wham Line: After Sam has desperately palmed Andy off on Diane, it's time to go. They have to decide where to eat.Diane: So, uh, what do you think, Andy, how does Italian food sound, huh? Oh boy, I've been hungry for Italian food all day.
Andy Schroeder: Anywhere but Villa Milano. That's bad memories for me. I killed a waitress there.
Diane: (as the foursome leave) DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID?!
