Quotes / Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series

The episode intros:

Yami: Yugioh was filmed before a live Studio Audience.

— "Episode 1"

Yami: Yugioh is brought to you by YugiOs - they're Yugi-licious!

— "Episode 5 - My Funny Skankentine"

Yami: No duel monsters were harmed during the making of this episode...except for Kuriboh.

— "Episode 12 - Duel of the Dead"

Yami: The following cartoon is based on real events. Some names were changed in order to protect the innocent.

— "Episode 13 - Busted Rhymes"

Yami: I was barely in the new movie, but I still got paid more than Kaiba.

Kaiba: IT'S BULLCRAP!

— "Episode 71 - Throw Haga From The Train"

Announcer: Next week, in a very special episode of Zorc and Pals:
Florence: Zorc, what's wrong? Why haven't you destroyed the world?
Zorc: Because I have a terminal disease!
Florence: But you can't die! What about our adopted daughter? Who is going to take care of her when you're gone?
Zorc: She also has a terminal disease!

— "Episode 17"

Yami: Wait, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?
Kaiba: Yeah, so?
Yami: That's against the rules!
Seto Kaiba: Screw the rules, I have money!!

Joey: BROOKLYN RAGE!

Yami Yugi: (after mind-crushing an opponent who was being a bully) Bullying is just wrong. Destroying people's brains with magical powers is a-okay!

Yami Yugi: Couldn't I just mind-crush him?
Yugi: You can't fix all your problems by mind-crushing people!
Yami Yugi: Oh, come on! Just one little mind-crush, it'll barely hurt him.
Yugi: No! Bad pharaoh! No mind-crush!

— Kid with the Leash

Yusei: You can be my wingman anytime, Yugi.
Yami: No Yusei, you can be mine.
(cue Sexophone and Held Gaze)
Yusei: No homo, right?
Yami: ALL OF THE HOMO!

— Ho Yay-tastic.

It's a good thing I'm Seto Kaiba, or that might've actually hurt me.
I am on a drug. It's called SETO FREAKIN' KAIBA.
F*ck destiny! I'm Seto Kaiba!

— Seto Kaiba

CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!

— Jack Atlas

Lecter: Let's say we had your motorcycle, Mr. Kaiba. And for the sake of argument, imagine we were both dueling while riding said motorcycle. How would you describe that situation?
Kaiba: Uhh, I dunno, card games on motorcycles?
Jack: CARD GAMES ON MOTOR— WHAT THE—? AAAAAAGH! (gets blown up by Jinzo's laser beam eyes)

"Hey Guys! Can I be in your movie?"

— Slendy

Tristan: My voice gives me super strength!

"You don't know what you're up against. Pegasus is ruthless. Camp... but ruthless!

"Try speaking American, it's the only language I understand."
"These sunglasses sure make it hard to see in the dark. But I refuse to take them off, because I'm an American. And Americans always wear sunglasses."
"And now it's time for my favorite Shakespeare quote. Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him. In America."

It's like something out of H. P. Lovecraft, only gay!

Yami: By the way, have you ever seen Labyrinth?
Shadi: No. Why?
Yami: No reason.
(cue David Bowie's "Magic Dance" as Shadi stumbles through the maze)

Teddy: Your mother plays card games in hell!

Duke: We'll play Dungeon Dice Monsters, a game of my own creation. We each take it in turns to draw dice.
Yami: So, it's just like Duel Monsters.
Duke: Then we use those dice to summon holographic monsters to the field.
Yami: So, it's just like Duel Monsters.
Duke: Both opponents are given three Heart Points, and when they run out, the game is—
Yami: So, it's just like Duel Monsters.
Duke: Hey, stop it! My game is nothing like Duel Monsters!
Yami: Prove it then!
(pause)
Duke: My game uses dice.
Tristan: Burn the witch!

..."Hey that guy looks just like me! And he has a Blue-Eyes, just like me! And he's an asshole, just like me!"

"OH MY GOD, A GIANT ROCK!"
"IT'S A ROCK AND IT'S GIANT!"
"OH MY GOD, ANOTHER GIANT ROCK!"

Kaiba: Are you trying to tell me that Yugi and I are destined to play card games with each other for eternity?
Ishizu: Yes.
Kaiba: Best. Destiny. Ever.

Yugi: Okay, Pharaoh, you can thank me later. And remember, no hickeys! (switches to Yami)
Yami: Huh? YUGI, YOU LITTLE (BEEP)! YOU SON OF A F(BEEP)ING (BEEP) (BEEP BEEP BEEP)! I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR (BEEP) AND SHOVE THEM RIGHT UP YOUR (BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP) AND THEN (BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP) ON YOUR (BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP) WITH (BEEPBEEPBEEP) IN THE (BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP) AND (BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP) YOUR (BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP) SO THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO (BEEP) SIDEWAYS! (BEEP) (He finally notices Téa staring at him.) Hm? *waves* Hi there.

Bakura: You sound nervous. Is it the accent? Do you want to know how I got it? My father was a drinker; one night he went a little crazier than usual, so my mummy got the teapot to defend herself. He didn't like that, so he pours boiling hot tea all over her. Then he comes at me with a teapot and asks Why so British?.

Mai Valentine: My breasts are not fake!
Everybody Else Except Tristan: Riiiiiight.
Tristan: I don't believe you!

Marik Melvin: Remember Team Four Star?
Yami: Yeah, they got suspended. So what?
Marik Melvin: That. Was. Me!
(the rest of the cast gives shocked looks, except for Kaiba, who is smiling, with a caption reading +9001 Dead Puppies.)

Kaiba: Summonitsummonitsummonitsummonitsummonitsummonit

Kaiba: It looks like the rules... (pulls out a pair of sunglasses) ...just got screwed!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kaiba F(BEEB) DESTINY! I AM SETO KAIBA! I MAKE MY OWN FATE!
Ishizu: How can this be, why would you do this?
Kaiba: BECAUSE A ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE TOLD ME TO!
Ishizu: ...
Kaiba: What? It's just as ridiculous as the crap that comes out of you.

Yami Yugi: Kuriboh! Activate Super Chibi Kawaii Desu Moe Mode! * Kuriboh makes a rainbow, cue theme music* And now I activate Robot Unicorn Attack! Go mighty unicorn! Cross the rainbow bridge and attack his lifepoints directly!
Gansley:' Ohhh, it's a full rainbow! Oh my God; it's a double rainbow all the way! So intense! Aaaaagggghhhhh!

Crump: I looovve penguins!
Téa: Eww!
Crump: Platonically...
Téa: Oh.
Crump: And physically!
Téa: EWWW!!!

Tristan: It's okay Serenity, I lived my life as a side character, fit only for spouting mindless quips and catchphrases. But now, I get to die the way I always wanted, falling, screaming like a girl into a pit of boiling hot lava, flesh being seared from my bones. If I do survive, I'd probably be unrecognizable. But if I do die, It'll be as a main character. It's funny; I used to think my voice gave me super strength. But now, I know the truth. And it's my love for you is what really gives me super-strength.
Serenity: I love you!
Tristan: I know.

Kaiba: (Possessed!Tristan is standing on a roof) Hey, that's that funny guy that says the funny things! Hey, funny guy! Say some funny things!
Possessed Tristan: (Leaps off building) I'M GOING TO KILL YOUUUUUU!
Kaiba: (Jumps out of the way of Tristan) Hahahahaha, that's classic!

"Ushio! Baby! How's it hanging! Get it? 'cause you're gonna die!"

Yami: Wanna play a game?
Ushio: What sort of game—?
Yami: First one to die loses!
Ushio: ...
Yami: Look! the Queen of Spades!
Ushio: What does that do—?
Yami: You lose!
Ushio: (falls) UAHHHHHHHHH!

Yusei: I'm the serious one with the voice that makes the fangirls swoon.
Jaden: I'm the cute, hyperactive one that people want to choke in his sleep!
Yugi: I'm Yugi Muto, and I was playing card games before it was cool.

Yusei: Paradox.
Paradox: Pwotagonist?!
Yusei: I came—
Paradox: What?!
Yusei: —to the past.
Paradox: Oh.
Yusei: But I also had an orgasm.
Paradox: Ewww!
Jaden: Ha! Nice!

Yami: So stand back y'all, cause it's time for a real main character to take the field.
Paradox: Oh pwease, you may be the King of Games in your timewine, but where I come from duel monsters has evolved far beyond your understanding. Compared to me you are just a learner.
Yami: That may be the case in your timeline Paradox, but then we're not in your timeline, are we?
Paradox: Um...
Yami: And where I come from, duel monsters is still a broken, exploitable mess of a game. And I'm about to exploit the hell out of it! (summons Dark Magician and Dark Magician Girl and destroys his Malefic Paradox Dragon)
(beat)
Yami: I believe the appropriate phrase is, 'Boo-yah'.

Joey: Okay, Kaiba, this time I'm really gonna beat ya, and there's nothing you ca do about it!
Kaiba: Please, Wheeler, I could defeat you with my hands tied behind my back. What makes you think you can win this time?
(music kicks in)
Joey: Well, I'm glad you asked...
Kaiba: O...kay, where the hell is that music coming from?
Joey: Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh...
Kaiba: ...Please tell me you're not going to sing.
Joey: Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh...
Kaiba: (quickly) Look, I'll pay you any amount of money right now if you don't sing!
Joey: Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh...*launches into song*

Marik: ♪Plus, we're both hot! Hot, hot, hot! We are quite sexy!♪
Florence: Marik, that doesn't rhyme.
Marik: Shut up, I am Lady Gaga!

Joey: Yeah, I have a closing statement. Maybe we have committed copyright infringement. But you gotta know we've done everything in our power to support the Yu-Gi-Oh franchise! And if it weren't for us, I don't think the show would be nearly as strong as it is right now!
Johnson: And where is your evidence of such?
Joey: Look around, Johnson! There are more Yu-Gi-Oh fans now than ever before! And the more you try to stifle our creativity, the more we'll try to express our love for a show that's about more than children's card games! It's about fighting for what you believe in, and I believe in this show and its fans now more than ever! Because they believe in me!
Yugi: This is so meta.
Joey: Flame Swordsman! Use the strength given to me by the Yu-Gi-Oh fanbase to wipe out his life points!
Flame Swordsman: My name... is... FRANK!! [commences to pwn Johnson's Deck Master]

Anubis: Silence! Now, after 5000 years of waiting, I'm going to challenge you to a children's card game! And then I'll destroy the world!
Yami: Why would you want to do that?
Anubis: What?
Yami: What's the point in destroying the world? What do you gain from it?
Anubis: ...I don't understand the question.
Yami: Look, you must have some reason for wanting to destroy the world. Otherwise, this whole movie was just pointless bickering!
Anubis: Of course I have a reason!
Yami: Oh, goodie! Do you feel like sharing it with the class?
Anubis: No! It's a secret.
Yami: You're the most disappointing movie villain since General Grievous.

— Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Movie

Yami: Right, um, time out. What are you doing?

Rafael: Playing the card game.

Yami: Yes, but why?

Rafael: Because we're in a duel?

Yami: That's not how this works. We usually SAY we're going to play a card game, but then we spend the entire duel making wisecracks and referencing internet videos. Then at the end I win and people laugh and have a good time.

Rafael: This time...none of those things are going to happen.

Yami: Why not?

Rafael: Because we're not doing things your way anymore. And we never will again. Now... I'll say it one more time. It's your move.

— Rafael goes all Knight of Cerebus

Kuriboh: DODALALALALALALALA!
Yami: That is an annoying Kuriboh.

(flashback)
Yusei: Ok, Jack, you wanna do a mic test?
Jack: OK! TESTING! TESTING! ONE...TWO...THREEEEEE! (City is destroyed by a pillar of light.)
(present)
Yusei: Strangest part was that the mic wasn't even plugged in.

— Yusei explaining why the band broke up, 5Ds one-shot.

Yugi: Tristan, I'm going to regret asking this, but... why do you have a motorbike?
Tristan: Because in the future, card games will be played on motorbikes.
Yugi: That... is the stupidest thing that's ever come out of your mouth.

— Episode 27 predicting the future

Yami: You know, it really is a shame. If Yugi were here, he might have been able to prevent me.
Weevil: Prevent you from what?
Yami: From doing this! I activate Berserker Soul! Now I must keep drawing cards! And for each Monster Card I draw, Breaker attacks! Buuuuut, what are the odds that I'll draw a Monster Card?
Weevil: Heehee, this sucks...
Yami: Doroo! Monsta Cardo! (Weevil scream) Doroo! Monsta Cardo! (Weevil scream) Doroo! Monsta Cardo! (Weevil scream) Doroo! Monsta- Monsta- MONSTA, CARDO. (Weevil-Weevil-Weevil scream) And oh, what a surprise! This next one's a-
Téa: Mou! Yamate! Yu-gi!
Yami: HA-NA-SEEE!
Téa: The Duel's over, Pharaoh! You've won!
Yami: You're right, Téa. I lost control. At the end of the day, this is just a game. (Looks at his next card) It doesn't matter if I win, lose, or-DOROO! MONSTA CARDO! (final Weevil scream)
Yami: For the record, I drew another Monster Carrrrrrd!

— Episode 71, infamous DOROO! MONSTA CARDO! scene

Kaiba: Nobody f(beep) Seto Kaiba! Do you hear me!? I have never been f(beep)ed! There's not a single time in my life where I have been f(beep)ed by anybody! I am easily the least f(beeped)ed person in this entire planet! That one time with Yugi doesn't even count; I don't think anybody was even there to see it. So, just to clarify: Seto Kaiba, never been f(beep)ed, EVER! (Pause) Oh god. Roland, please tell me that I wasn't broadcasting that to the entire theme park?
Roland: I'm afraid so, Sir.
Kaiba: Damm. Um. Find a way to blame this on Wheeler!
Roland: Yes, Sir! I will let everybody know that you have been f(beep)ed, and Joey Wheeler was involved.
Kaiba: Yes, that's exactly-NOOOOOO!