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Long Running Memes
Dude, these orphans are getting destroyed!
— Technoblade to Skeppy in "Skeppy vs Technoblade (The Final Reckoning)"
This is the second-worst thing to happen to these orphans.
— Technoblade mere seconds after the above quote
Minecraft Monday
I mean, I didn't clown on anyone that didn't deserve to be clowned on. Those guys are morons. Don't get toxic over a lego video game. It's just, I think a lot of people saw the statement without knowing the full context and were like 'something terrible has happened' and got really worried when really everything was fine. It was just a couple of morons being toxic who were promptly laughed at. I saw a couple comments that were like "oh my god, I can't believe what this community has become". You guys, you guys don't have to worry about this.
The thing is, when you got 50,000 people, a few of them are gonna be serial killers. There's not really anything anyone can do about that. That's their problem. All you can do is say 'yo murder is cringe. don't– don't do murders' and hope that convinces them. And it's not gonna convince them, because these are not the type of people that listen to reason. The moral of the story here, is that if you see a murder being committed you should immediately call them a boomer.
(...)
Don't do that, that's a terrible idea. Call the police. Anyways.
The thing is, when you got 50,000 people, a few of them are gonna be serial killers. There's not really anything anyone can do about that. That's their problem. All you can do is say 'yo murder is cringe. don't– don't do murders' and hope that convinces them. And it's not gonna convince them, because these are not the type of people that listen to reason. The moral of the story here, is that if you see a murder being committed you should immediately call them a boomer.
(...)
Don't do that, that's a terrible idea. Call the police. Anyways.
— Technoblade, in "how i got into minecraft monday"
Hypixel Skyblock
I think Skyblock at its core is the ultimate challenge in resource management. You spawn on a tiny island in an empty universe. All you have is a tree, some supplies and some dirt to stand on. You have to treasure EVERY dirt block, because if one falls into the void, there's no way to replace it and as you carefully navigate your absurd circumstance, you gain a new appreciation for the few things you have as you meticulously use them to their fullest effect. With nothing but some ice, lava and saplings you slowly transform this empty expanse into a world of your very own. Skyblock teaches us that no matter how ridiculous the odds may seem, within us resides the power to overcome these challenges and achieve something beautiful. That one day, we'll look back at where we started and be amazed by how far we've come.
— Technoblade in "the hypixel skyblock experience"
Now, I know what you're gonna say: "Technoblade, you monster! You really killed millions of your own kind just to make a sword?" And it– look, look, look, come on, you gotta understand. There was nothing else I could do, I was mildly inconvenienced!
— Technoblade in "the deadliest sword in skyblock"
Most opportunities are created by luck. It takes skill to grasp those opportunities and turn it into success.
— Technoblade in "Skyblock: Potato War 2"
My name is Technoblade and I am the fastest skyblock player alive.
To the outside world I'm just an ordinary Minecraft YouTuber, but secretly I've been spending the past year fighting to maintain my spot as the number 1 potato farmer in skyblock.
Opposing me is im_a_squid_kid the former rank number 1, a man whose obsession with potatoes is rivaled only, by my own.
To the outside world I'm just an ordinary Minecraft YouTuber, but secretly I've been spending the past year fighting to maintain my spot as the number 1 potato farmer in skyblock.
Opposing me is im_a_squid_kid the former rank number 1, a man whose obsession with potatoes is rivaled only, by my own.
— Technoblade in "Skyblock: Potato War 3 (FINALE)"
Look, I'm an atheist, but when God sends me to Hell I want him to hesitate.
— Technoblade in "FARMING POTATOES UNTIL I WIN THE WAR"
When you need someone to fix your sink, you call a plumber. When you need someone to fix your electricity, you call an electrician. And when you need someone to OVERTHROW A BRUTAL TYRANT, YOU CALL AN ANARCHIST!
— Technoblade, spearheading a rebellion to overthrow Skyblock's corrupt mayor
SMP Earth
Thank you for the donation.
"You have a bed. Jmak is inbound. And emeralds are for building planes"?!
"You have a bed. Jmak is inbound. And emeralds are for building planes"?!
— Technoblade, being alerted by a donation that SMPEarth has WWII era weaponry in "Conquering the World: Day One – SMP Earth"
The server's been open for 30 minutes. How many enemies have you made??
— Technoblade to Tommy, in "Conquering the World: Day One – SMP Earth"
"Hi Techno, what's your Hogwarts House?"
It's very clearly Ravenclaw; Ravenclaw is just objectively the superior Hogwarts House, alright? All the other houses suck. All the other houses suck.
See, okay, look at it this way alright?
All of the Gryffindor Houses, they have uh– look at the last part of the name 'Gryffindor'? '-dor'.
Alright, 'Slytherin'? '-in'.
'Hufflepuff'? '-puff'.
All of those are lame.
'Ravenclaw'? '-CLAW'. Way cooler, it's a claw, alright? Doors, Inns, Puffs, they suck. Way cooler way.
(Beat)
Alright, look at all the faction houses alright?
So like Slytherin, Slytherin has all the White Supremacists in it.
Gryffindor, has all the– all the dumb people. See, the only reason the main characters were in Gryffindor is because they have plot armor — if you don't have plot armor, Gryffindor is for stupid people, alright, that's just how it works. It's just for the boneheads.
Hufflepuff, participation award house. Alright? Hufflepuff accepts everyone who wasn't good enough, to get into the other houses, which already sucked so if they're in Hufflepuff, you know they're bad.
Ravenclaw, smart people. Big-brain plays. I'm just sayin'. I'm just sayin'. It's the superior house.
(Beat)
Okay, listen here. Anyone debating, what house they'd be, in a children's book, is clearly Ravenclaw. Okay, you're not Slytherin, you're not cool, you're not edgy, you are obsessing over a children's book, that means you're Ravenclaw — that's what Ravenclaws do: they obsess over books.
Accept it. Accept it.
If you were Hufflepuff, you wouldn't be taking online quizzes to find out what faction you are in a book. That's a Ravenclaw thing! Get outta here!
It's very clearly Ravenclaw; Ravenclaw is just objectively the superior Hogwarts House, alright? All the other houses suck. All the other houses suck.
See, okay, look at it this way alright?
All of the Gryffindor Houses, they have uh– look at the last part of the name 'Gryffindor'? '-dor'.
Alright, 'Slytherin'? '-in'.
'Hufflepuff'? '-puff'.
All of those are lame.
'Ravenclaw'? '-CLAW'. Way cooler, it's a claw, alright? Doors, Inns, Puffs, they suck. Way cooler way.
(Beat)
Alright, look at all the faction houses alright?
So like Slytherin, Slytherin has all the White Supremacists in it.
Gryffindor, has all the– all the dumb people. See, the only reason the main characters were in Gryffindor is because they have plot armor — if you don't have plot armor, Gryffindor is for stupid people, alright, that's just how it works. It's just for the boneheads.
Hufflepuff, participation award house. Alright? Hufflepuff accepts everyone who wasn't good enough, to get into the other houses, which already sucked so if they're in Hufflepuff, you know they're bad.
Ravenclaw, smart people. Big-brain plays. I'm just sayin'. I'm just sayin'. It's the superior house.
(Beat)
Okay, listen here. Anyone debating, what house they'd be, in a children's book, is clearly Ravenclaw. Okay, you're not Slytherin, you're not cool, you're not edgy, you are obsessing over a children's book, that means you're Ravenclaw — that's what Ravenclaws do: they obsess over books.
Accept it. Accept it.
If you were Hufflepuff, you wouldn't be taking online quizzes to find out what faction you are in a book. That's a Ravenclaw thing! Get outta here!
— Technoblade solving Hogwarts Housing for Harry Potter fans in "Day 2 – SMP Earth"
It kinda reminds me of me, in that you can hear the videogamedunkey bleeding through. Which is always a good thing. I stan videogamedunkey okay. Just a huge clone of him.
— Technoblade about Slimecicle and videogamedunkey
Phil: Is this gonna be a war crime, I think...?
Techno: This is most certainly a war crime.
Pete: How did you get an entire village of villagers here??
Techno: I just deported all the failures. (noticing Phil) Phil, we're gonna kill so many– Phil, think about what you're doing.
Pete: How long did that take??
Techno: Phil, the innocents! Oh god–
Phil: Fuck the orphans. Fuck em.
(Summons an Airstrike in the midst of the villagers)
Techno: Noooo. NOOOOOOOOO–
(The Airstrike Obliterates the Villager Adoption Agency)
Techno: OHHHHHHHHH. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I just felt, a great disturbance in the Force. Like millions of voices just cried out, and then were silenced.
(Phil and Pete laughing)
Techno: Phil, what have you done??
Phil: Oh my god, the boats.
Techno: It's like their tombstones! Every one of those boats was a person, with a family. With dreams!
Phil: Oh my god, I'm cryin' [of laughter].
Techno: Phil, what have you done?
Phil: What needed to be done, Techno.
Techno: That wasn't necessary at all!
Phil: Lemme just grab one of these boats real quick — see you later.
Techno: Bro. Bro, that is straight-up the worst thing to happen to those orphans.
Pete: Ohhh. That is, just wrong. You annihil– you obliterated them!
Techno: That is just straight-up a– that's not like a metaphorical, there's no hyperbole, that's just straight-up what a war crime is.
Phil: Suck it, nerds.
Techno: This is why we have a Geneva Convention.
Techno: This is most certainly a war crime.
Pete: How did you get an entire village of villagers here??
Techno: I just deported all the failures. (noticing Phil) Phil, we're gonna kill so many– Phil, think about what you're doing.
Pete: How long did that take??
Techno: Phil, the innocents! Oh god–
Phil: Fuck the orphans. Fuck em.
(Summons an Airstrike in the midst of the villagers)
Techno: Noooo. NOOOOOOOOO–
(The Airstrike Obliterates the Villager Adoption Agency)
Techno: OHHHHHHHHH. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I just felt, a great disturbance in the Force. Like millions of voices just cried out, and then were silenced.
(Phil and Pete laughing)
Techno: Phil, what have you done??
Phil: Oh my god, the boats.
Techno: It's like their tombstones! Every one of those boats was a person, with a family. With dreams!
Phil: Oh my god, I'm cryin' [of laughter].
Techno: Phil, what have you done?
Phil: What needed to be done, Techno.
Techno: That wasn't necessary at all!
Phil: Lemme just grab one of these boats real quick — see you later.
Techno: Bro. Bro, that is straight-up the worst thing to happen to those orphans.
Pete: Ohhh. That is, just wrong. You annihil– you obliterated them!
Techno: That is just straight-up a– that's not like a metaphorical, there's no hyperbole, that's just straight-up what a war crime is.
Phil: Suck it, nerds.
Techno: This is why we have a Geneva Convention.
— The Antarctic Empire nuking the Villager Adoption Agency in Philza's December 11 2019 VOD
Phil. Phil, I feel like I live, I feel like I live in a World Of Cardboard Phil. No matter how much I try to hold back, they just die. I just hit that person with a carrot– INSTANTLY OBLITERATED. They just INSTANTLY. I'm trying to hold back my power, it doesn't work! It's doesn't work! Even at 2% power, they just die instantly! What have I done??
— Technoblade to his co-leader Philza after accidentally killing AllanahVAFitzy on the Moon in a single blow, "SMP Earth: The Moon Landing"
Tournaments And Duels
I tried to raise my shield, but I accidentally sheared the ground, or whatever you call this mechanic*. All I know is that I clearly did not take my ADHD medicine this morning, because I immediately become distracted and forget about the duel for about ten seconds, but then I remember, "Oh, right, $100,000," and go in for the kill.
if we win i will adopt a small orphan child
— Technoblade, prior to the Minecraft Ultimates Tournament with xNestorio and Cxlvxn
Techno: Pffft, guys I just got a decent enchantment on my sword
Cxlvxn: Is it fire?
Techno: It is fire.
xNestorio: No.
Cxlvxn: Yes.
xNestorio: Nooo.
Cxlvxn: Yesss.
Cxlvxn: Is it fire?
Techno: It is fire.
xNestorio: No.
Cxlvxn: Yes.
xNestorio: Nooo.
Cxlvxn: Yesss.
— Techno informs his team he rolled Fire Aspect on a Diamond Sword, in "Absolutely Ruining a $36,000 Minecraft Tournament"
xNestorio: How many diamonds do we have?
Techno: I have one.
Cxlvxn: I have three.
xNestorio: I have two. Okay, wait–
Techno: Did someone say Diamond Pants?
xNestorio: Diamond Pants Go.
Techno: Honestly, we should probably make a Diamond Chestplate for one of you instead of Diamond Pants for me, it's kind of a waste.
Cxlvxn: But it would be funny.
Techno: It would– That is a good argument.
Techno: I have one.
Cxlvxn: I have three.
xNestorio: I have two. Okay, wait–
Techno: Did someone say Diamond Pants?
xNestorio: Diamond Pants Go.
Techno: Honestly, we should probably make a Diamond Chestplate for one of you instead of Diamond Pants for me, it's kind of a waste.
Cxlvxn: But it would be funny.
Techno: It would– That is a good argument.
— The MCU team, shortly before acquiring full diamond armor for Techno
They going to see you at mid, gonna be like, "It's a solo player" and then, Knock-knock!! It's the United States with the Air Support! Full diamond guy drops out of the sky!
— Techno as the Technoplane flies towards the Cornucopia to rendez-vous with Cxlvxn
As we were celebrating 100 kills, we had no idea, that our next battle would be our last. The remaining players had all formed a massive cross-teaming alliance, with one shared goal: Taking us down, once and for all.
Was it allowed? Probably not, but it didn't matter. It was too late to stop them.
If we wanted to secure victory, we would have to win, 3 versus 21.
Was it allowed? Probably not, but it didn't matter. It was too late to stop them.
If we wanted to secure victory, we would have to win, 3 versus 21.
— Technoblade narrating the opening to the Final Battle of MCU Season 2, set to Edgar Hopp's "Last Fight for Freedom"
Miscellaneous Collabs
Problem: "My baby needs to learn to understand theoretical physics." Screw all of you who gave me this prompt. The solution? A gun. That baby better learn! He better learn right this instant or I don't know what I'm gonna do to that baby! I dunno what I'm gonna do to that baby if he doesn't understand theoretical physics right this instant! I SWEAR TO GOD! YOU'D BETTER LEARN THOSE EQUATIONS!
— Technoblade, when playing a game of Jackbox with his friends
Do you accept constructive criticism? This is dogwater.
— Technoblade to BadBoyHalo in Skeppy's video, I Troll BadBoyHalo with Technoblade
Coda
sorry but i cant do today anymore, got sick again
— Technoblade, March 28, 2022 on Discord
Techno: Happy birthday!
Tommy: Thanks m8!! :D.
Tommy: Thanks m8!! :D.
— Techno wishing Tommy a happy birthday, April 9, 2022 on Discord
Tommy: hiya m8 just checking in how are yous?
Techno: could be a lot better tbh, ty for asking
Techno: could be a lot better tbh, ty for asking
— Techno and Tommy, May 30 – June 1 2022 on Discord
Philza: m8 what. has it gotten that bad? holy shit man
Techno: ye ive just been getting my last affairs in order and hanging out with my family. thank you guys for being my friend
Wilbur: Is there anything we can do that you'd enjoy with us? Like a big gaming sesh you could watch?
Tommy: fuckin hell i'm so sorry.
Techno: ye ive just been getting my last affairs in order and hanging out with my family. thank you guys for being my friend
Wilbur: Is there anything we can do that you'd enjoy with us? Like a big gaming sesh you could watch?
Tommy: fuckin hell i'm so sorry.
— Sleepy Bois Inc on Discord, June 2022
Hello, everyone. Technoblade here. If you're watching this, I am dead. So let's sit down, and have one final chat. My real name is Alex. I had one of my siblings call me "Dave" one time in a deleted video from 2016, and it was one of the most successful pranks we've ever done. Thousands of creepy online dudes trying to get overly personal, going, "Oh, hey, Dave, how's it going?" Sorry for selling out so much in the past year, but thanks to everyone that bought hoodies, plushies, and channel memberships. My siblings are goin' to college — well, if they want to. I don't wanna put any dead-brother peer pressure on them. But that's all from me. Thank you all for supporting my content over the years. If I had another hundred lives, I think I would choose to be Technoblade again every single time, as those were the happiest years of my life. I hope you guys enjoyed my content, and that I made some of you laugh. And I hope you all go on to live long, prosperous, and happy lives. Because I love you guys. Technoblade out.
— His last words to his fans, written approximately eight hours before his death, as read by his father
