Quotes: Sleazy Politician

Q: How do you know that a politician is lying?
A: He opens his mouth.
—Old joke

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    Comic Books 

What, they give me shit in the poll booth and I should give them someplace nice to live? Eat me.
President, Transmetropolitan

    Fanfiction 

A nurse comes in to check if Kiyomi has died, but she hasn't and the nurse looks visibly disappointed. She doesn't comment on my rule breaking either, so that's proof that the civilised world has laws for the masses and laws for me. I ask her for today's papers, which she brings quickly, bowing like she has a spinal problem which won't allow her to stand straight.

    Live-Action TV 

"FDA regulation can really stop up your profits, jamming up your whole money-making system, which can lead to painful effect on the company's bottom line. But with Lobbying (Somehow) Legal Process™, all those pesky regulations just melt away into nothingness, giving you that comfortable corporate feeling of shitting money almost uncontrollably. Ask your lawyers if Lobbying™ is right for you."
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver on herbal supplements

The Romney campaign's "reboot" was spoiled by footage from last May of Governor Romney at a $50,000 a plate fundraiser talking to rich people about poor people in a manner you'd imagine cartoon rich people talk about cartoon poor people.
The Daily Show on Mitt Romney's "47%" speech.

Mayor Russo: End of the day, we're both in the people business, Frank. Sometimes, you take one for the team.
Frank: I never really thought of this as a "team."
Blue Bloods, "Silver Star"

    Music 
What you see is what you get
You've made your bed, you better lie in it
You choose your leaders and place your trust
As their lies wash you down and their promises rust
You'll see kidney machines replaced by rockets and guns
And the public wants what the public gets
But I don't get what this society wants
The Jam, "Going Underground"

    Newspaper Comics 

Democracy: Noun. Informal. A form of government in which people, faced with the prospect of self-rule, cast the job into an exclusive mire of unskilled panderers.
Thorax, 9 Chickweed Lane

    Video Games 

Etna: Looks like I have to resort to the politician's golden rule: "If they can't prove it, deny, deny, deny."

Maurice Chavez: Mr. Shrub got elected because he has great hair and says things that make you nod your head. His campaign appealed to the wealthy because he set all of us at ease by confirming, "It's okay to be rich, as long as you say you care about the children." Mr. Shrub, welcome.
Congressman Alex Shrub: That's not entirely true, Maurice. My campaign also appealed to the poor— who were too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held up pretty pictures and then gave out candy bars to appeal to their most base instincts.
Pressing Issues, GTA Radio

    Theatre 

Gentlemen, the festering tides of radicalism are upon us. But before I yield up our glorious South—and her sister commowealth, the U.S. of A—I will lay down my life. I will do more: I will filibuster!
Sen. Billboard Rawkins, Finians Rainbow

    Webcomics 

Peculiar to any campaign for office is the practice among candidates of hurling dread accusations at their opponents. The practice has achieved such a degree of ordinariness , that the exercise of mudslinging is expected. It's a kind of etiquette, like good manners.

Each candidate, according to the other's advertised assertions, possesses not only the mendacity of Baron Munchausen and a concern for one's fellow citizens normally ascribed to Dracula; he is unrivaled in moral turpitude, avarice, misanthropy, corruption, criminality, cheating, stealing, child-starving, puppy-stomping, kitten-drowning and, on a grand scale, just plain old down-and-dirty psychopathy. Fundamentally, each candidate recognizes in his opponent a depravity of personal and professional conduct that not only would make him unfit for public office, but, in the real world, unsuited for anything better than maximum security—the very worst example of human sludge ever to have flushed from his sewer with the sinister desire to uphold, protect and defend the laws of the land.

In other words, there is no dungeon suited to confine such noisome evil. So we, naturally, vote for them. It's a reflex, just good manners.
A Demon's Nest of Sentiments, Pibgorn

    Web Original 

Magicians. Take exceedingly increasing amounts of money from citizens annually and not only make it disappear, but manage to create black holes and fluctuations in the entire space-time continuum with it (see national debt clock).

A walking, talking Onion article, and as with the Onion there are actually people who mistake it for genuine. In any case he is a horrible person.
Encyclopedia of American Loons on Newt Gingrich

Even John Boehner Can't Believe What a Dick John Boehner Has to Be Now
Gawker

Politicians give stuffy speeches because they are afraid of giving concrete statements or articulating sentiments which may be controversial. So instead we get waffle. It’s easy to understand the subconscious rejection of practiced and considered oratory when the people who should arguably be advancing it more than any others simply find a way to say nothing in as many words as possible.

Representative Michele Bachmann of Minnesota warned in 2011 during a Florida presidential primary debate that “innocent little 12-year-old girls” were being “forced to have a government injection” to prevent infection with human papillomavirus (HPV) and later said the vaccine caused “mental retardation.” HPV vaccine prevents the main cause of cervical cancer. Religious conservatives believe this encourages promiscuity. There is no evidence of a link to mental retardation.

The anti-vax movement will grow because of Christie and Paul, and it could get MANY people sick. And those two fuckers aren't dumb. I bet their kids are vaccinated. They have deliberately, cynically come out in support of "the right to choose" (oh, the irony) to boost their primary cred.
Drew Magary, "Make It Stop"

Today, probable 2016 Republican Presidential hopeful Rand Paul told a crowd in Iowa that 'Nobody here' was trying to ban birth control. Either Rand Paul has a terrible memory, or he has such low self esteem that he considers himself "nobody," because just last year, Rand Paul cosponsored a bill that would have banned certain forms of birth control.
Erin Gloria Ryan, "'Nobody' Is Trying to Ban Birth Control, Says Guy Who Tried to Ban It"

    Web Video 

Yahtzee: It's hard to believe this government isn't just a government that wants to fuck with people like in Transmetropolitan. They've gone back on all their campaign promises! You can't just do that! I mean, that's why they got elected: they were elected on the promise of doing A, B, and C. If they do the exact opposite... well, there should be international tribunals for that kind of thing!
Gabriel: They haven't just done the exact opposite, they've invented new letters to do.
Lets Drown Out Alien³

    Real Life 
In public affairs men are often better pleased that the truth, though known to everybody, should be wrapped up under a decent cover than if it were exposed in open daylight to the eyes of all the world.
David Hume, The History of England 1

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

Well, I don't believe he'd steal a red hot stove.
Thaddeus Stevens, when asked by Abraham Lincoln as to whether Secretary of War Simon Cameron was honest

An honest politician is one who, once bought, stays bought.
Simon Cameron, on the subject of whether he was honest

The fact is New York politics were always dishonest—long before my time. There never was a time you couldn't buy the Board of Aldermen... A politician coming forward takes things as they are.
William M. "Boss" Tweed

Corrupt politicians make the other ten percent look bad.
Henry Kissinger

If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.

Basically, we're all rascals.
Barry Goldwater

Nothing I have ever done has been tinged with legality.
—New York City Parks Commissioner Robert Moses

The difference between a caucus and a cactus is that a cactus has the pricks on the outside.

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

Politics and war are remarkably similar situations.
—U.S. Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich

I was a university student and lecturer once, so I know universities stand for truth, honesty, and the pursuit of knowledge. When I became a politician I had to abandon all of that.

It's almost like an Etch-a-Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and restart all over again.
—Romney 2012 campaign staffer Eric Fehrnstrom, on Romney's compulsive flip-flopping

A good debater is not necessarily an effective vote-getter: you can find a hole in your opponent's argument through which you could drive a coach and four ringing jingle bells all the way...which, however, may warm only you and your muse, while the smiling paralogist has in the meantime made votes by the tens of thousands.
William F. Buckley Jr.

Although much given to manly posturing against the enemies of law and order, etc., Agnew's June 19, 1972 response to efforts by Nixon White House staffer Jeb Stuart Magruder to talk about the details of the Watergate break-in before it exploded in the faces of the administration was neither politically fearless nor a stern committment to the rule of law. He said, "I don't think we ought to discuss it again, in that case." So well done, Mr. Agnew. America knew that it could count on you when the chips were down.
Rational Wiki, ""Spiro Agnew" is an anagram for "Grow A Spine" (also "Grow a Penis")"

The ghettos will be 'solved,' he tells us, by giving tax cuts to private industry for doing business with the blacks. Well, it doesn’t take a profound student of the human heart to know that the tax cuts will be accepted gladly and that the ghettos will be no better off. It is a proof of his banality not only that he thinks we don’t know how inadequate what he proposes is but that the very way he puts his 'solution' shows that to him the ghetto is something incurable...
Gore Vidal on Richard Nixon, Playboy 1969

Around the time of the Tet Offensive, corporate America turned against the war, and there was a huge mass popular movement out there, and Eugene McCarthy figured that he could get some personal power out of it, so he announced himself as 'Your Leader.' He didn't really say anything—if you look back, you don't even know which side he was on, if you read the words—but somehow he managed to put across the impression that he was this big anti-war leader...And that's why he's a liberal hero—because he's a total fraud.
Noam Chomsky on the Vietnam War, Understanding Power

What fascinates me is: people watching her on television — can they not see that she's basically learned certain speeches? She does them very well, she's got a very good memory, but it's like a nice-looking parrot.