Quotes / Private Eye Monologue

My name is Detective Jimjam McLanternjaw. Was on route to a sunburn when she showed up. Kinda dame leads to a funeral… Some good bad trouble. Tells me a dingo ate her baby. This daddy-o ain’t in the dingo baby-eatin’ business. But, I am in the sexy-lady-touching-my-body business. Whenever a sexy lady wants to make that the business I am in. The right chump takes the wrong job. Few leads went south, dropped me down that rabbit hole. Rabbit had teeth. Biting teeth. Thumping legs. Lazy eye fry cook at the ho-jos was lying. Swore he didn’t know -– but that eye was too lazy to be tellin’ the truth. So lazy. Elbow grease, and an elbow to lazy eye, the mook gave up the plot. “Head to the moon and you’ll find the cheese,”

She slinked through my door wearing a dress that looked like it had been painted onnot with good paint, like Behr or Sherwin-Williams, but with that watered-down stuff that bubbles up right away if you don’t prime the surface before you slap it on, and – just like that cheap paint – the dress needed two more coats to cover her.
Sue Fondrie, as a parody, in the 2012 Bulwer-Lytton contest

I hate this season. The weather sucks up all the slime and filth in the streets and pores it back down on ya. But then, that's what this city's all about. Name's Gai Kurasawa, private eye. I've spent my life in this concrete merry-go-round watching the same crimes play out year after year, like a jukebox with only one, sad song. It's a city with no one to trust, and no one to love, where cigarette butts are the only ass you get.
Gai Kurasawa, Darker than Black episode 7, The Gardenia Gives Off Fragrance in the Early Summer Rain... (Part 1)

This place, Paradigm City, is a town of forgetfulness. One day forty years ago every person here lost all memory of what had happened before that day. But humans are adaptable creatures, they make due and go on with life. If they are smart enough to figure out how to operate machinery and electricity, they can have something of civilization. People can survive without knowing what did or didn't happen in the past. And each day they try their hardest to do just that. The only people who regret the loss of these memories are the city's elderly. But memories, like nightmares, can come when you least expect them.
Roger Smith (not as grim as most examples), The Big O, "Welcome to Paradigm City"

Hit started out like effery harvest festival- loud, crowded, und schtoopid. Dot's vy hy vos in mine office. Dun' know how much longer hy vould be dere... clients vos sumting hy'd heard about vunce. Maybe hit vos a sign ov de times: a new Heterodyne... a new empire... a new vorld. Maybe vun dot need my type ov monster no more. Dark thoughts. Und den, de door opened, and de light valked in.
Ivo Sharktooth, "Private Jager", from Girl Genius