Quotes / Poke the Poodle

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But, as if on purpose, when it reached the limit, [Gavrila] always proved too honest for an extremely base deed. (On a small base deed, however, he was always ready to agree.)

Garovel snorted a laugh. ‘I'm seeing you in a whole new light, Hector. Were you a troublemaker, too?’

‘I, uh... I tried to be, but I wasn't very good at it.’

‘Oh, well, now I need details.’

‘Ah... okay.’ Hector took a breath and scratched his chin. ‘One time, I tried to steal a pack of cigarettes from a guy. I accidentally took his wallet, instead. I felt so bad that I just pretended he'd dropped it and gave it back to him.’


‘He gave me twenty troas.’

Garovel snorted again. ‘Smooth. What other terrible crimes have you committed?’

‘Uh... I put graffiti inside a public bathroom.’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yeah. It said, “Wait here if you wanna see some real shit go down” and had a picture of a dude pooping.’

Vimes: They rebel by working?
Carrot: Yes, sir. Nobody wants them to think, so they get their own back by not thinking. It makes sense to a Golem, sir.

"If you must know," a disconnected whisper confided, "we dressed in blackface and wrote filthy slogans on the side of the citadel. Horrible, horrible things about Princess Tanalasta and a centaur."

A strong political statement, Alias thought sarcastically.
Azure Bonds, Forgotten Realms novel by Kate Novak and Jeff Grubb.

Anyway, I want you to take revenge on [Claudius] for me. I dunno. Cuss him out or something. Pull out his chair when he's about to sit down. Offer him a high five but when he tries to high five you, pull your hand away and say, 'Too slow.' Or should he offer you a high five, you must leave him hanging.

    Video Games 

I looked up a girl's skirt the other day. Isn't that the best kind of evil?

In this hellish world you can only take 3 pieces of candy.


Revenge! Sub par snacks! Deal with my wrath!
Cassiel celebrates her first successful ploy in Misfile

Chimera: Uhmmmmmm... excuse me... but what in the seventeen hells are you doing?
Dewcup: Pardon me. I was told that poking and otherwise annoying huge, fearsome creatures was "bad".
Chimera: An apt description. Why would you want this?
Dewcup: I am Princess Dewcup of the Wood Elves. A recent encounter with a Drow has showed me a new way of life. A life of power and strength. I am abandoning my Wood-Elf ways and turning to badness. I wish to join the Drow.
Chimera: Gotcha. I see your problem. You have confused "bad" meaning "evil" with "bad" meaning "really stupid".
Dewcup: And that's not what I wish to become?
Chimera: No, you seem to have that one down pat.

    Web Original 

Damn! She leaked The Queen’s phone number because she had like, 3 less housekeepers than her ex-husband? That’s crazy and insane and I LOVE IT, because that’s some down and dirty shade. You’ve got to remember – this was back in the early 90s when changing your phone number was a true pain in the ass. You had to pull the Yellow Pages from the closet, find the number for the phone company, call up the phone company, explain 400 times why you needed a new number, get put on hold for half an hour, nearly lose your damn mind from listening to the muzak version of 'Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover' over and over again before getting transferred to Pager Support and hung up on. The only thing more stone cold would have been if Diana had fucked with the satellite dish.
Michael K., "Princess Diana Leaked A Bunch Of Royal Phone Numbers After Her Divorce"

Herb’s expression of evil plotting as he contemplates an extremely minor transgression against conventional morality is definitely the funniest thing in the comics today. “I’m pretty bad at golf … but based on this scorecard, the world will think I’m only mediocre at golf! None will be the wiser! All will tremble before me! MOO HA HA HA HA HA HA HA”
The Comics Curmudgeon on Herb & Jamal

The Hirogen leader here reminds me of the hyper-intelligent Gremlin from Gremlins 2 who takes the brain potion and dazzles with a rendition of New York, New York!...Compare and contrast to the Borg for TNG and the Jem H’adar for DS9 who remained pretty consistently and instantly memorable from the outset. Watching the Hirogen breaking open one of Neelix’s French sticks as though he has watched too many episodes of 'Allo 'Allo! is farcical. The Hirogen – don’t mess with them or they’ll snap your bread sticks in half!
Joe Ford on Star Trek: Voyager, "The Killing Game Pt. 1"

Making fun of his hair color? That ruthless son of a bitch!

    Web Video 

Aha, I'm going to waste all their minutes! Mwa ha ha ha!
The Nostalgia Critic mocking the villain of Rock-A-Doodle

No. Uh uh. No no no no no no. It's not gonna go down like that. I am not living in fear of FUCKING SEAHORSES... You win this round, seahorses. You're real tough. Real badass. But humanity always wins the end, 'cause you know why? Next coral reef I see? I'm gonna pollute the fuck out of it. So CHOKE ON DEEZ NUTZ! (rains styrofoam peanuts around the room)''
Noah Antwiler on Ultima: Runes of Virtue

I'm gonna find the wrong crowd and not read things together! Yeah, that's right! Entire novels left unopened!
Marik Ishtar, Marik Plays Bloodlines

    Western Animation 

Snivley, Sonic SatAM, preparing Escargot in the most diabolical manner possible.

Can't hassle us, pig! We're going the speed limit!
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Oh, the look on their faces, when they got the wrong soup!
Professor Chaos/Butters, South Park

Dr. Polaris: * Ahem*
"Luthor": ...What?
Dr. Polaris: You gonna wash your hands?
"Luthor": No! 'Cuz I'm evil.

Morris: Boris! I’m doing something really wicked!
Boris: Oh?
Morris: I'm riding along with my eyes closed!
Boris: Morris, that’s not wicked, that’s rather stupid!
Morris: Oh... [Rides into a tree]

Who is the girl who never plays nice... and wishes that all rubber duckies would sink? Who interrupts people and never thinks twice? / Me! I'm the Lady in Pink! / Lady in Pink, Lady in Pink! / She does terrible things! / Even worse than you think!
— "The Lady in Pink," The Backyardigans

    Real Life 

I hate comedians that are like, "Fucking strap in, motherfuckers, 'cuz I'm about to get really dangerous!" and then the next thing they always say is, "The fucking food on airplanes is BULLSHIT!!!" There is nothing safer than a comedian who tells you he's dangerous.