Quotes: One Dialogue, Two Conversations

Francine: Stan Smith! You bastard! HOW COULD YOU? (supposedly make out with Hayley)
Stan: OK, you caught me, but can you blame me? It's just so sweet and tempting! (stealing cookie dough)
Francine: You're sick! You should be in jail!
Stan: Oh come on, you're overreacting. Roger does it too!
Roger: Yeah, I've stuck my fingers in there.
Francine: (Vomits into a bowl)
Roger: Guess I'll go get some new popcorn...

Richie: [Reading a piece of paper, given to him by Eddie as a birthday present] "Madame Swish, 3:30". Oh Eddie, you haven't! Oh, what a pal you are! Madame Swish! Ooh! Aah! God, at last, I'm really gonna do it! And on my birthday as well! Ooh, I wonder what she's like!
Eddie: She's a dead Cert, mate. A real stayer.
Richie: Really?
Eddie: Yeah, she'll come first.
Richie: What, before me? Good grief, that's quick! So she'll think I'm great! Oh what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?
Eddie: Um, not exactly, I'll need a tenner.
Richie: A tenner? Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?
Eddie: Um, well, no. In that case, it's a tenner each way.
Richie: [Surprised] Well, how many ways are there?
Eddie: Well, you'll come first, second, or third, won't you?
Richie: [Aghast] Well, how many people are gonna be there?
Eddie: Well, a few thousand.
Richie: What?!
Eddie: Well, it's Kempton!
Richie: Kempton?! I can't get down to Kempton by 3:30!
Eddie: You don't have to, mate! It'll be on the telly!
Richie: [Terrified] They're gonna televise it?! What if my auntie's watching?!
Eddie: Well, what's illegal about betting on a horse?
Richie: A horse?
Eddie: Yeah!
Richie: [Realizing] Madame Swish is... is a horse!
Eddie: Yeah! ... Well, what d'you think it was?
Richie: [Disappointed] Oh no, nothing, nothing. I was just checking.
Eddie: I have given you a red hot tip!
Richie: I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there?!
Bottom. Guess what Richie thought "Madame Swish" was referring to.

(Bill and Stan are being questioned about robbing a convenience store and shooting the clerk, but they assume that it's about shoplifting a can of tuna fish)
Sheriff Farley: Hello, Bill. I'm Sheriff Farley.
Bill: Hi.
Sheriff Farley: Do you know why you're here?
Bill: Yeah, I do. I'm sorry. It was a stupid thing to do.
Sheriff Farley: Have you been made aware of your rights?
Bill: Yes.
Sheriff Farley: You're willing to waive that right?
Bill: I'll cooperate fully. I'll sign a statement, or whatever makes this whole thing easier.
Sheriff Farley: Good. Good. That's good.
Bill: But I want you to know, Stan, he had nothing to do with it.
Sheriff Farley: Did he help you plan it?
Bill: No. I mean... I mean, it wasn't planned out. You know, it just happened.
Sheriff Farley: Did Stan try to stop you at any time?
Bill: No. I mean, he was...
Sheriff Farley: Is that a big deal? Aidin' and abettin'?
Bill: Aiding and abetting? Is that a major thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
(later, interrogating Stan:)
Stan: An accessory? Are you guys kiddin'? An accessory? I didn't help. I didn't plan it.
Sheriff Farley: You didn't try to stop it.
Stan: I didn't know it was happening. I found out later in the car.
Sheriff Farley: Why didn't you get out, call the police then?
Stan: He's my friend.
Sheriff Farley: Well, your friend has put you in a lot of trouble.
Stan: What's gonna happen to Bill?
Sheriff Farley: Nothing. Unless he's convicted. If he is, we're gonna run enough electricity through him to light up Birmingham.
(interrogating Bill again:)
Bill: We were friends at NYU, and we both applied and we got scholarships to UCLA. So we figured the scenery would be nicer going through the South.
Sheriff Farley: What about the tuna fish?
Bill: I forgot about the tuna fish. And then we left.
Sheriff Farley: Did he catch you with the tuna fish? Is that how it started?
Bill: No, he didn't say anything.
Sheriff Farley: But he knew about it.
Bill: I don't know.
Sheriff Farley: Let's talk about that for a moment. You paid for the groceries. And then what?
Bill: We went out to the car, and that's it.
Sheriff Farley: When'd you shoot him?
Bill: What?
Sheriff Farley: At what point did you shoot the clerk?
Bill: (confused) I shot the clerk?
Sheriff Farley: Yes. When did you shoot him?
Bill: I shot the clerk?
Sheriff Farley: (speaking outside) We need ya out here. I'm in the middle of a damn confession here.
(Vinny is the lawyer, but Stan thinks he is there to sodomize him)
Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other.
(Stan tries to get up)
Vinny: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan: Gee, thanks...
Vinny: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.
Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck!
Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
(Wakes up Bill)
Bill: Vinny! Vinny bag o'donuts!

"Are we on the same page?"
"I don't think we're even in the same library."

Luger: You two were living together?
Colt: Hell. She used to sleep at my feet and lick my toes. Though, sometimes she'd forget about me and lick herself for hours.
Luger: (Beat) Huh. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to get that involved with your partner.
Colt: Hey, pal: You try not getting involved with a partner, she saves your life one minute, then nuzzles your crotch the next.
Luger: Well York and I didn't have that kind of relationship, but when we did get together, she was always excited to see me.
Colt: When Claire was excited to see me, she'd pee on my leg.
Luger: What do you think happened to her?
Colt: Maybe she just took off. I hadn't been paying enough attention to her. I realized how neglected she felt the night she shit in my shoes.
Loaded Weapon 1, Luger talking about Colt's ex-police partner, unaware that she was a dog.

Television: The Montreal Canadians are behind...
Woman: Pierre. I have something to tell you.
Television: They're getting closer to the opponent's zone...
Man: Come on!
Television: And he goes around the net, passes to Desjardins...
Woman: I cheated on you.
Television: GOAL!
Woman: You seem happy about it.
Man: He put it right in, didn't he?
Woman: Well, obviously...
Television: One moment. We're not sure what's happening.
Woman: But I don't love him.
Television: Looks like the goal is not valid.
Man: What? It wasn't good?
Woman: I've decided to invest in our relationship. You and me.
Television: It's the referee's final call...
Man: What a stupid decision!
Woman: But, what do you think of our relationship?
Television: The Canadians still behind 0-4...
Man: It's so boring.
Woman: What?
Man: Can't wait for this to end.
Woman: WHAT?
Man: What were you saying?
—Sketch by Québécois comedian François Pérusse. When you want to tell something important to your partner, make sure they are listening to you first.