Quotes / One Dialogue, Two Conversations

Francine: Stan Smith! You bastard! HOW COULD YOU? (supposedly make out with Hayley)
Stan: OK, you caught me, but can you blame me? It's just so sweet and tempting! (stealing cookie dough)
Francine: You're sick! You should be in jail!
Stan: Oh come on, you're overreacting. Roger does it too!
Roger: Yeah, I've stuck my fingers in there.
Francine: (Vomits into a bowl)
Roger: Guess I'll go get some new popcorn...

Richie: [Reading a piece of paper, given to him by Eddie as a birthday present] "Madame Swish, 3:30". Oh Eddie, you haven't! Oh, what a pal you are! Madame Swish! Ooh! Aah! God, at last, I'm really gonna do it! And on my birthday as well! Ooh, I wonder what she's like!
Eddie: She's a dead Cert, mate. A real stayer.
Richie: Really?
Eddie: Yeah, she'll come first.
Richie: What, before me? Good grief, that's quick! So she'll think I'm great! Oh what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?
Eddie: Um, not exactly, I'll need a tenner.
Richie: A tenner? Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?
Eddie: Um, well, no. In that case, it's a tenner each way.
Richie: [Surprised] Well, how many ways are there?
Eddie: Well, you'll come first, second, or third, won't you?
Richie: [Aghast] Well, how many people are gonna be there?
Eddie: Well, a few thousand.
Richie: What?!
Eddie: Well, it's Kempton!
Richie: Kempton?! I can't get down to Kempton by 3:30!
Eddie: You don't have to, mate! It'll be on the telly!
Richie: [Terrified] They're gonna televise it?! What if my auntie's watching?!
Eddie: Well, what's illegal about betting on a horse?
Richie: A horse?
Eddie: Yeah!
Richie: [Realizing] Madame Swish is... is a horse!
Eddie: Yeah! ... Well, what d'you think it was?
Richie: [Disappointed] Oh no, nothing, nothing. I was just checking.
Eddie: I have given you a red hot tip!
Richie: I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there?!
Bottom. Guess what Richie thought "Madame Swish" was referring to.

(Bill and Stan are being questioned about robbing a convenience store and shooting the clerk, but they assume that it's about shoplifting a can of tuna fish)
Sheriff Farley: Hello, Bill. I'm Sheriff Farley.
Bill: Hi.
Sheriff Farley: Do you know why you're here?
Bill: Yeah, I do. I'm sorry. It was a stupid thing to do.
Sheriff Farley: Have you been made aware of your rights?
Bill: Yes.
Sheriff Farley: You're willing to waive that right?
Bill: I'll cooperate fully. I'll sign a statement, or whatever makes this whole thing easier.
Sheriff Farley: Good. Good. That's good.
Bill: But I want you to know, Stan, he had nothing to do with it.
Sheriff Farley: Did he help you plan it?
Bill: No. I mean... I mean, it wasn't planned out. You know, it just happened.
Sheriff Farley: Did Stan try to stop you at any time?
Bill: No. I mean, he was...
Sheriff Farley: Is that a big deal? Aidin' and abettin'?
Bill: Aiding and abetting? Is that a major thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
(later, interrogating Stan:)
Stan: An accessory? Are you guys kiddin'? An accessory? I didn't help. I didn't plan it.
Sheriff Farley: You didn't try to stop it.
Stan: I didn't know it was happening. I found out later in the car.
Sheriff Farley: Why didn't you get out, call the police then?
Stan: He's my friend.
Sheriff Farley: Well, your friend has put you in a lot of trouble.
Stan: What's gonna happen to Bill?
Sheriff Farley: Nothing. Unless he's convicted. If he is, we're gonna run enough electricity through him to light up Birmingham.
(interrogating Bill again:)
Bill: We were friends at NYU, and we both applied and we got scholarships to UCLA. So we figured the scenery would be nicer going through the South.
Sheriff Farley: What about the tuna fish?
Bill: I forgot about the tuna fish. And then we left.
Sheriff Farley: Did he catch you with the tuna fish? Is that how it started?
Bill: No, he didn't say anything.
Sheriff Farley: But he knew about it.
Bill: I don't know.
Sheriff Farley: Let's talk about that for a moment. You paid for the groceries. And then what?
Bill: We went out to the car, and that's it.
Sheriff Farley: When'd you shoot him?
Bill: What?
Sheriff Farley: At what point did you shoot the clerk?
Bill: (confused) I shot the clerk?
Sheriff Farley: Yes. When did you shoot him?
Bill: I shot the clerk?
Sheriff Farley: (speaking outside) We need ya out here. I'm in the middle of a damn confession here.
(Vinny is the lawyer, but Stan thinks he is there to sodomize him)
Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other.
(Stan tries to get up)
Vinny: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan: Gee, thanks...
Vinny: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.
Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck!
Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
(Wakes up Bill)
Bill: Vinny! Vinny bag o'donuts!

"Are we on the same page?"
"I don't think we're even in the same library."

Luger: You two were living together?
Colt: Hell. She used to sleep at my feet and lick my toes. Though, sometimes she'd forget about me and lick herself for hours.
Luger: (Beat) Huh. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to get that involved with your partner.
Colt: Hey, pal: You try not getting involved with a partner, she saves your life one minute, then nuzzles your crotch the next.
Luger: Well York and I didn't have that kind of relationship, but when we did get together, she was always excited to see me.
Colt: When Claire was excited to see me, she'd pee on my leg.
Luger: What do you think happened to her?
Colt: Maybe she just took off. I hadn't been paying enough attention to her. I realized how neglected she felt the night she shit in my shoes.
Loaded Weapon 1, Luger talking about Colt's ex-police partner, unaware that she was a dog.

Television: The Montreal Canadians are behind...
Woman: Pierre. I have something to tell you.
Television: They're getting closer to the opponent's zone...
Man: Come on!
Television: And he goes around the net, passes to Desjardins...
Woman: I cheated on you.
Television: GOAL!
Woman: You seem happy about it.
Man: He put it right in, didn't he?
Woman: Well, obviously...
Television: One moment. We're not sure what's happening.
Woman: But I don't love him.
Television: Looks like the goal is not valid.
Man: What? It wasn't good?
Woman: I've decided to invest in our relationship. You and me.
Television: It's the referee's final call...
Man: What a stupid decision!
Woman: But, what do you think of our relationship?
Television: The Canadians still behind 0-4...
Man: It's so boring.
Woman: What?
Man: Can't wait for this to end.
Woman: WHAT?
Man: What were you saying?
—Sketch by Québécois comedian François Pérusse. When you want to tell something important to your partner, make sure they are listening to you first.

Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop along-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking:... so that means it was... let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way over due for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my school girl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
Dave Barry on talking about relationships

Fiona: There's something I have to tell you...
Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, princess! I heard enough last night!
Fiona: You heard what I said?
Shrek: Every word!
Fiona: I thought you'd understand...
Shrek: Oh, I understand! Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
Fiona: (heartbroken) I thought it wouldn't matter to you.
Shrek: Yeah, well, it does!
Shrek (Fiona was really talking about herself turning into an ogre at night)

Charlie: [Suspecting a recent obituary is of a serial killer victim] Did they mention anything about his wife?
Obituary Writer #1: [Chastened, thinking he's being rebuked for making insensitive jokes] Alright, okay, look, I know that we're talkin' about real people here, so I'm sorry.
Charlie: No no, I'm serious — did they mention the wife?
Obituary Writer #1: Look, I'm sorry, you know, I-I-I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives.
Charlie: No no, I'm really serious, did they mention the wife? I just want to know about the wife.
Obituary Writer #1: [Increasingly agitated] You win! You win. I'm a bad person!
Obituary Writer #2: Hey c'mon, take it easy, will ya?
Obituary Writer #1: Well, he's sayin' I'm insensitive! He's sayin' I'm a shit!
Obituary Writer #2: He's not sayin' you're a shit!
Charlie: [Trying to get a word in edgewise] Did they mention his wife? Did they mention his wife?!
Obituary Writer #1: [Losing it completely] NO! THEY DIDN'T MENTION THE WIFE! YOU HAPPY?!?! [Begins to storm off; everyone's staring at him] OH-HO, YES! I'M INSENSITIVE! I'M A BAD PERSON! STOP YOUR JOBS! LOOK AT THE INSENSITIVE MAN! THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE PAYING YOU FOR!

Virgil: I've been going through these... changes...
Doctor: That's normal for a boy your age.
Virgil: This isn't normal, believe me!
Doctor: Virgil, these changes you're talking about, do they involve... another person?
Virgil: A lot of 'em.
Doctor: Does your father know what you've been doing?
Virgil: No! And he can't! Hold on... [laughs] whoa, doc, we are talking about two different things here!
Static Shock, "Aftershock"

Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: (thinking) Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: (thinking) Wait a minute. Is he coming on to me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: (thinking) Oh my God, he is coming on to me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. (giggles and winks)
Homer: (thinking) AAAHH!!! (out loud) Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans! Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
The Simpsons, "Last Exit to Springfield"

Hook: Did you say Pan has banished Tinker Bell?
Smee: (nervous) Aye-aye, Captain. That he has.
Hook: But why?
Smee: Well, account of Wendy, Captain. Tink tried to do her in, she did. Tink's terrible jealous.
Hook: (gets an idea) Well, well...
Smee: That's why we ought to leave, Captain. This ain't no place for a respectable pirate.
Hook: That's it, Smee! THAT'S IT!
Smee: I'm glad you agrees, Captain.
Hook: Quick, me coat. Me best dress coat!
Smee: Aye-aye, sir! The sooner we gets going the better!
Hook: (to himself) Oh, yes, a jealous female can be tricked into anything. (to Smee) My case of hooks!
Smee: Aye-aye, sir! (gets a box full of hooks) Here you are, sir. You're Sunday set, sir.
Hook: If we impress the pixie, convince her we're eager to help her, the wench may chart our course to a certain hiding place.
Smee: Our best hiding place is the Spanish Main, sir. I'll set our course—(Hook yanks him up by his pants)
Hook: And where do you think you are going?
Smee: T-To tell the boys we sail through the tide, sir.
Hook: You will go ashore, pick up Tinker Bell and bring her to me. (tosses Smee down) UNDERSTAND?!
Smee: Aye-aye, sir! (rows a dinghy off the ship and towards the island)

Triton: Let's see now. Oh, who could the lucky merman be? (notices Sebastian in the doorway) Come in, Sebastian.
Sebastian: (takes a deep breath) I mustn't overreact. I must remain calm. (scuttles toward the king; speaks with a high crack) Yes—? (clears throat) Yes, your majesty?
Triton: Eh, Sebastian, I'm concerned about Ariel. Have you noticed she's been acting peculiar lately?
Sebastian: Oh... Peculiar?
Triton: Airing all morning about, daydreaming, singing to herself. You haven't noticed, hmm?
Sebastian: Oh, well, I...
Triton: (coyly) Sebastian...
Sebastian: Hmm...?
Triton: I know you've been keeping something from me.
Sebastian: (gulps) Keeping something?
Triton: About Ariel?
Sebastian: (notices his legs shaking, which he covers up) Ariel?
Triton: In love?
Triton: Humans?! WHAT ABOUT HUMANS?!
Sebastian: ...Humans? (nervous chuckle) Who said anything about humans?