Stan Smith! You bastard! HOW COULD YOU? (supposedly make out with Hayley)
Stan: OK, you caught me, but can you blame me? It's just so sweet and tempting! (stealing cookie dough)
Francine: You're sick! You should be in jail!
Oh come on, you're overreacting. Roger
does it too!
Roger: Yeah, I've stuck my fingers in there.
Francine: (Vomits into a bowl)
Guess I'll go get some new popcorn...
: [Reading a piece of paper, given to him by Eddie as a birthday present]
"Madame Swish, 3:30". Oh Eddie, you haven't! Oh, what a pal you are! Madame Swish! Ooh! Aah! God, at last, I'm really gonna do it
! And on my birthday as well
! Ooh, I wonder what she's like! Eddie
: She's a dead Cert, mate. A real stayer. Richie
: Really? Eddie
: Yeah, she'll come first. Richie
: What, before me? Good grief, that's quick! So she'll think I'm great! Oh what a pal you are! And it's all paid for? Eddie
: Um, not exactly, I'll need a tenner. Richie
: A tenner? Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it? Eddie
: Um, well, no. In that case, it's a tenner each way. Richie
Well, how many ways are there? Eddie
: Well, you'll come first, second, or third, won't you? Richie
Well, how many people are gonna be there? Eddie
: Well, a few thousand. Richie
: Well, it's Kempton
?! I can't get down to Kempton by 3:30! Eddie
: You don't have to, mate! It'll be on the telly! Richie
They're gonna televise it?!
What if my auntie's watching?! Eddie
: Well, what's illegal about betting on a horse? Richie
: A horse
: Yeah! Richie
Madame Swish is... is a horse! Eddie
: Yeah! ... Well, what d'you think it was? Richie
Oh no, nothing, nothing. I was just checking. Eddie
: I have given you a red hot tip! Richie
: I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there?!
(Bill and Stan are being questioned about robbing a convenience store and shooting the clerk, but they assume that it's about shoplifting a can of tuna fish)
Sheriff Farley: Hello, Bill. I'm Sheriff Farley.
Sheriff Farley: Do you know why you're here?
Bill: Yeah, I do. I'm sorry. It was a stupid thing to do.
Sheriff Farley: Have you been made aware of your rights?
Sheriff Farley: You're willing to waive that right?
Bill: I'll cooperate fully. I'll sign a statement, or whatever makes this whole thing easier.
Sheriff Farley: Good. Good. That's good.
Bill: But I want you to know, Stan, he had nothing to do with it.
Sheriff Farley: Did he help you plan it?
Bill: No. I mean... I mean, it wasn't planned out. You know, it just happened.
Sheriff Farley: Did Stan try to stop you at any time?
Bill: No. I mean, he was...
Sheriff Farley: Is that a big deal? Aidin' and abettin'?
Bill: Aiding and abetting? Is that a major thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
(later, interrogating Stan:)
Stan: An accessory? Are you guys kiddin'? An accessory? I didn't help. I didn't plan it.
Sheriff Farley: You didn't try to stop it.
Stan: I didn't know it was happening. I found out later in the car.
Sheriff Farley: Why didn't you get out, call the police then?
Stan: He's my friend.
Sheriff Farley: Well, your friend has put you in a lot of trouble.
Stan: What's gonna happen to Bill?
Sheriff Farley: Nothing. Unless he's convicted. If he is, we're gonna run enough electricity through him to light up Birmingham.
(interrogating Bill again:)
Bill: We were friends at NYU, and we both applied and we got scholarships to UCLA. So we figured the scenery would be nicer going through the South.
Sheriff Farley: What about the tuna fish?
Bill: I forgot about the tuna fish. And then we left.
Sheriff Farley: Did he catch you with the tuna fish? Is that how it started?
Bill: No, he didn't say anything.
Sheriff Farley: But he knew about it.
Bill: I don't know.
Sheriff Farley: Let's talk about that for a moment. You paid for the groceries. And then what?
Bill: We went out to the car, and that's it.
Sheriff Farley: When'd you shoot him?
Sheriff Farley: At what point did you shoot the clerk?
Sheriff Farley: Yes. When did you shoot him?
Bill: I shot the clerk?
Sheriff Farley: (speaking outside) We need ya out here. I'm in the middle of a damn confession here.
Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other.
(Stan tries to get up)
Vinny: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan: Gee, thanks...
Vinny: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.
Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck!
Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
(Wakes up Bill)
Vinny! Vinny bag o'donuts!
"Are we on the same page?"
"I don't think we're even in the same library.
Luger: You two were living together?
Colt: Hell. She used to sleep at my feet and lick my toes. Though, sometimes she'd forget about me and lick herself for hours.
Luger: (Beat) Huh. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to get that involved with your partner.
Colt: Hey, pal: You try not getting involved with a partner, she saves your life one minute, then nuzzles your crotch the next.
Luger: Well York and I didn't have that kind of relationship, but when we did get together, she was always excited to see me.
Colt: When Claire was excited to see me, she'd pee on my leg.
Luger: What do you think happened to her?
Maybe she just took off. I hadn't been paying enough attention to her. I realized how neglected she felt the night she shit in my shoes.
—Loaded Weapon 1
, Luger talking about Colt's ex-police partner, unaware that she was a dog.
Woman: Pierre. I have something to tell you.
Television: They're getting closer to the opponent's zone...
Man: Come on!
Television: And he goes around the net, passes to Desjardins...
Woman: I cheated on you.
Man: OH YEAH!
Woman: You seem happy about it.
Man: He put it right in, didn't he?
Woman: Well, obviously...
Television: One moment. We're not sure what's happening.
Woman: But I don't love him.
Television: Looks like the goal is not valid.
Man: What? It wasn't good?
Woman: I've decided to invest in our relationship. You and me.
Television: It's the referee's final call...
Man: What a stupid decision!
Woman: But, what do you think of our relationship?
Television: The Canadians still behind 0-4...
Man: It's so boring.
Man: Can't wait for this to end.
What were you saying?
—Sketch by Québécois comedian François Pérusse. When you want to tell something important to your partner, make sure they are listening to you first.