Francine: Stan Smith! You bastard! HOW COULD YOU? (supposedly make out with Hayley)
Stan: OK, you caught me, but can you blame me? It's just so sweet and tempting! (stealing cookie dough)
Francine: You're sick! You should be in jail!
Stan: Oh, come on, you're overreacting. Roger does it too!
Roger: Yeah, I've stuck my fingers in there.
Francine: (vomits into a bowl)
Roger: Guess I'll go get some new popcorn...
Stan: OK, you caught me, but can you blame me? It's just so sweet and tempting! (stealing cookie dough)
Francine: You're sick! You should be in jail!
Stan: Oh, come on, you're overreacting. Roger does it too!
Roger: Yeah, I've stuck my fingers in there.
Francine: (vomits into a bowl)
Roger: Guess I'll go get some new popcorn...
Richie: [Reading a piece of paper, given to him by Eddie as a birthday present] "Madame Swish, 3:30". Oh Eddie, you haven't! Oh, what a pal you are! Madame Swish! Ooh! Aah! God, at last, I'm really gonna do it! And on my birthday as well! Ooh, I wonder what she's like!
Eddie: She's a dead Cert, mate. A real stayer.
Richie: Really?
Eddie: Yeah, she'll come first.
Richie: What, before me? Good grief, that's quick! So she'll think I'm great! Oh what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?
Eddie: Um, not exactly, I'll need a tenner.
Richie: A tenner? Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?
Eddie: Um, well, no. In that case, it's a tenner each way.
Richie: [Surprised] Well, how many ways are there?
Eddie: Well, you'll come first, second, or third, won't you?
Richie: [Aghast] Well, how many people are gonna be there?
Eddie: Well, a few thousand.
Richie: What?!
Eddie: Well, it's Kempton
!
Richie: Kempton?! I can't get down to Kempton by 3:30!
Eddie: You don't have to, mate! It'll be on the telly!
Richie: [Terrified] They're gonna televise it?! What if my auntie's watching?!
Eddie: Well, what's illegal about betting on a horse?
Richie: A horse?
Eddie: Yeah!
Richie: [Realizing] Madame Swish is... is a horse!
Eddie: Yeah! ... Well, what d'you think it was?
Richie: [Disappointed] Oh no, nothing, nothing. I was just checking.
Eddie: I have given you a red hot tip!
Richie: I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there?!
Eddie: She's a dead Cert, mate. A real stayer.
Richie: Really?
Eddie: Yeah, she'll come first.
Richie: What, before me? Good grief, that's quick! So she'll think I'm great! Oh what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?
Eddie: Um, not exactly, I'll need a tenner.
Richie: A tenner? Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?
Eddie: Um, well, no. In that case, it's a tenner each way.
Richie: [Surprised] Well, how many ways are there?
Eddie: Well, you'll come first, second, or third, won't you?
Richie: [Aghast] Well, how many people are gonna be there?
Eddie: Well, a few thousand.
Richie: What?!
Eddie: Well, it's Kempton
! Richie: Kempton?! I can't get down to Kempton by 3:30!
Eddie: You don't have to, mate! It'll be on the telly!
Richie: [Terrified] They're gonna televise it?! What if my auntie's watching?!
Eddie: Well, what's illegal about betting on a horse?
Richie: A horse?
Eddie: Yeah!
Richie: [Realizing] Madame Swish is... is a horse!
Eddie: Yeah! ... Well, what d'you think it was?
Richie: [Disappointed] Oh no, nothing, nothing. I was just checking.
Eddie: I have given you a red hot tip!
Richie: I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there?!
— Bottom. Guess what Richie thought "Madame Swish" was referring to.
Butt-Head: This drunk dude said he was gonna pay us to do you. 10...
Dallas: 10 grand? Muddy. Cheap-ass. Alright, I'll double it. I'll pay you $20,000 if you go back there and do him.
Butt-Head: You want us to do a guy? No way!
Beavis: I dunno Butt-Head, that is a lot of money. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick...(Butt-Head slaps him)
Dallas: 10 grand? Muddy. Cheap-ass. Alright, I'll double it. I'll pay you $20,000 if you go back there and do him.
Butt-Head: You want us to do a guy? No way!
Beavis: I dunno Butt-Head, that is a lot of money. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick...(Butt-Head slaps him)
(Bill and Stan are being questioned about robbing a convenience store and shooting the clerk, but they assume that it's about shoplifting a can of tuna fish)
Sheriff Farley: Hello, Bill. I'm Sheriff Farley.
Bill: Hi.
Sheriff Farley: Do you know why you're here?
Bill: Yeah, I do. I'm sorry. It was a stupid thing to do.
Sheriff Farley: Have you been made aware of your rights?
Bill: Yes.
Sheriff Farley: You're willing to waive that right?
Bill: I'll cooperate fully. I'll sign a statement, or whatever makes this whole thing easier.
Sheriff Farley: Good. Good. That's good.
Bill: But I want you to know, Stan, he had nothing to do with it.
Sheriff Farley: Did he help you plan it?
Bill: No. I mean... I mean, it wasn't planned out. You know, it just happened.
Sheriff Farley: Did Stan try to stop you at any time?
Bill: No. I mean, he was...
Sheriff Farley: Is that a big deal? Aidin' and abettin'?
Bill: Aiding and abetting? Is that a major thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
(later, interrogating Stan)
Stan: An accessory? Are you guys kiddin'? An accessory? I didn't help. I didn't plan it.
Sheriff Farley: You didn't try to stop it.
Stan: I didn't know it was happening. I found out later in the car.
Sheriff Farley: Why didn't you get out, call the police then?
Stan: He's my friend.
Sheriff Farley: Well, your friend has put you in a lot of trouble.
Stan: What's gonna happen to Bill?
Sheriff Farley: Nothing. Unless he's convicted. If he is, we're gonna run enough electricity through him to light up Birmingham.
(interrogating Bill again)
Bill: We were friends at NYU, and we both applied and we got scholarships to UCLA. So we figured the scenery would be nicer going through the South.
Sheriff Farley: What about the tuna fish?
Bill: I forgot about the tuna fish. And then we left.
Sheriff Farley: Did he catch you with the tuna fish? Is that how it started?
Bill: No, he didn't say anything.
Sheriff Farley: But he knew about it.
Bill: I don't know.
Sheriff Farley: Let's talk about that for a moment. You paid for the groceries. And then what?
Bill: We went out to the car, and that's it.
Sheriff Farley: When'd you shoot him?
Bill: What?
Sheriff Farley: At what point did you shoot the clerk?
Bill: (confused) I shot the clerk?
Sheriff Farley: Yes. When did you shoot him?
Bill: I shot the clerk?
Sheriff Farley: (speaking outside) We need ya out here. I'm in the middle of a damn confession here.
Bill: Whoa. Wait a minute!
Sheriff Farley: Hello, Bill. I'm Sheriff Farley.
Bill: Hi.
Sheriff Farley: Do you know why you're here?
Bill: Yeah, I do. I'm sorry. It was a stupid thing to do.
Sheriff Farley: Have you been made aware of your rights?
Bill: Yes.
Sheriff Farley: You're willing to waive that right?
Bill: I'll cooperate fully. I'll sign a statement, or whatever makes this whole thing easier.
Sheriff Farley: Good. Good. That's good.
Bill: But I want you to know, Stan, he had nothing to do with it.
Sheriff Farley: Did he help you plan it?
Bill: No. I mean... I mean, it wasn't planned out. You know, it just happened.
Sheriff Farley: Did Stan try to stop you at any time?
Bill: No. I mean, he was...
Sheriff Farley: Is that a big deal? Aidin' and abettin'?
Bill: Aiding and abetting? Is that a major thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
(later, interrogating Stan)
Stan: An accessory? Are you guys kiddin'? An accessory? I didn't help. I didn't plan it.
Sheriff Farley: You didn't try to stop it.
Stan: I didn't know it was happening. I found out later in the car.
Sheriff Farley: Why didn't you get out, call the police then?
Stan: He's my friend.
Sheriff Farley: Well, your friend has put you in a lot of trouble.
Stan: What's gonna happen to Bill?
Sheriff Farley: Nothing. Unless he's convicted. If he is, we're gonna run enough electricity through him to light up Birmingham.
(interrogating Bill again)
Bill: We were friends at NYU, and we both applied and we got scholarships to UCLA. So we figured the scenery would be nicer going through the South.
Sheriff Farley: What about the tuna fish?
Bill: I forgot about the tuna fish. And then we left.
Sheriff Farley: Did he catch you with the tuna fish? Is that how it started?
Bill: No, he didn't say anything.
Sheriff Farley: But he knew about it.
Bill: I don't know.
Sheriff Farley: Let's talk about that for a moment. You paid for the groceries. And then what?
Bill: We went out to the car, and that's it.
Sheriff Farley: When'd you shoot him?
Bill: What?
Sheriff Farley: At what point did you shoot the clerk?
Bill: (confused) I shot the clerk?
Sheriff Farley: Yes. When did you shoot him?
Bill: I shot the clerk?
Sheriff Farley: (speaking outside) We need ya out here. I'm in the middle of a damn confession here.
Bill: Whoa. Wait a minute!
(Vinny is the lawyer, but Stan thinks he is there to sodomize him)
Vinny: (extending his hand) You must be Stan. How ya doin'?
Stan: Why'd they bring you in here?
Vinny: Well, I just got in. I asked where the new guys were, and they brought me right here. He's sleeping, huh? Cute little guy. Maybe I'll just start with you. We'll let him sleep a little bit.
Stan: I don't wanna do this...
Vinny: Hey, I don't blame you. If I was in your situation, I'd want to get through this whole thing as quickly and with as little pain as possible. So, you know, let's try our best to make it a simple in-and-out procedure. (Stan steps away) What's the matter? Relax, relax, relax. You know, maybe we should spend a couple of minutes together, you know, to get acquainted before we, uh, you know, before we get to it. (Stan moves again) What's wrong with you?
Stan: I don't want to do this...
Vinny: Well, I understand, but, you know, what are your alternatives?
Stan: My alternatives?
Vinny: Yeah.
Stan: To what? To you? I don't know, suicide? Death?
Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other.
(Stan tries to get up)
Vinny: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan: Gee, thanks...
Vinny: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.
Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck!
Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
(wakes up Bill)
Bill: Vinny! Vinny bag o'donuts!
Vinny: (extending his hand) You must be Stan. How ya doin'?
Stan: Why'd they bring you in here?
Vinny: Well, I just got in. I asked where the new guys were, and they brought me right here. He's sleeping, huh? Cute little guy. Maybe I'll just start with you. We'll let him sleep a little bit.
Stan: I don't wanna do this...
Vinny: Hey, I don't blame you. If I was in your situation, I'd want to get through this whole thing as quickly and with as little pain as possible. So, you know, let's try our best to make it a simple in-and-out procedure. (Stan steps away) What's the matter? Relax, relax, relax. You know, maybe we should spend a couple of minutes together, you know, to get acquainted before we, uh, you know, before we get to it. (Stan moves again) What's wrong with you?
Stan: I don't want to do this...
Vinny: Well, I understand, but, you know, what are your alternatives?
Stan: My alternatives?
Vinny: Yeah.
Stan: To what? To you? I don't know, suicide? Death?
Vinny: Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other.
(Stan tries to get up)
Vinny: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.
Stan: Gee, thanks...
Vinny: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.
Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck!
Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.
Vinny: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
(wakes up Bill)
Bill: Vinny! Vinny bag o'donuts!
"Are we on the same page?"
"I don't think we're even in the same library."
"I don't think we're even in the same library."
Luger: You two were living together?
Colt: Hell. She used to sleep at my feet and lick my toes. Though, sometimes she'd forget about me and lick herself for hours.
(beat)
Luger: Huh. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to get that involved with your partner.
Colt: Hey, pal: You try not getting involved with a partner, she saves your life one minute, then nuzzles your crotch the next.
Luger: Well, York and I didn't have that kind of relationship, but when we did get together, she was always excited to see me.
Colt: When Claire was excited to see me, she'd pee on my leg.
Luger: What do you think happened to her?
Colt: Maybe she just took off. I hadn't been paying enough attention to her. I realized how neglected she felt the night she shit in my shoes.
Colt: Hell. She used to sleep at my feet and lick my toes. Though, sometimes she'd forget about me and lick herself for hours.
(beat)
Luger: Huh. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to get that involved with your partner.
Colt: Hey, pal: You try not getting involved with a partner, she saves your life one minute, then nuzzles your crotch the next.
Luger: Well, York and I didn't have that kind of relationship, but when we did get together, she was always excited to see me.
Colt: When Claire was excited to see me, she'd pee on my leg.
Luger: What do you think happened to her?
Colt: Maybe she just took off. I hadn't been paying enough attention to her. I realized how neglected she felt the night she shit in my shoes.
— Loaded Weapon 1, Luger talking about Colt's ex-police partner, unaware that she was a dog.
Television: The Montreal Canadians are behind...
Woman: Pierre. I have something to tell you.
Television: They're getting closer to the opponent's zone...
Man: Come on!
Television: And he goes around the net, passes to Desjardins...
Woman: I cheated on you.
Television: GOAL!
Man: OH YEAH!
Woman: You seem happy about it.
Man: He put it right in, didn't he?
Woman: Well, obviously...
Television: One moment. We're not sure what's happening.
Woman: But I don't love him.
Television: Looks like the goal is not valid.
Man: What? It wasn't good?
Woman: I've decided to invest in our relationship. You and me.
Television: It's the referee's final call...
Man: What a stupid decision!
Woman: But, what do you think of our relationship?
Television: The Canadians still behind 0-4...
Man: It's so boring.
Woman: What?
Man: Can't wait for this to end.
Woman: WHAT?
Man: What were you saying?
— Sketch by Québécois comedian François Pérusse. When you want to tell something important to your partner, make sure they are listening to you first.
Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop along-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking:... so that means it was... let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way over due for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my school girl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking:... so that means it was... let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way over due for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my school girl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
— Dave Barry on talking about relationships
Fiona: There's something I have to tell you...
Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, princess! I heard enough last night!
Fiona: You heard what I said?
Shrek: Every word!
Fiona: I thought you'd understand...
Shrek: Oh, I understand! Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
Fiona: (heartbroken) I thought it wouldn't matter to you.
Shrek: Yeah, well, it does!
—Shrek (Fiona was really talking about herself turning into an ogre at night)
Obituary Writer #1: [On the obituary of a plumber found dead in a sewer] Well, guy takes his job too seriously, life goes down the drain.
[The obituary writers laugh; Charlie, overhearing, begins to suspect the plumber was the victim of a serial killer]
Charlie: Did they mention anything about his wife?
Obituary Writer #1: [Chastened, thinking he's being rebuked for making insensitive jokes] Alright, okay, look, I know that we're talkin' about real people here, so I'm sorry.
Charlie: No no, I'm serious — did they mention the wife?
Obituary Writer #1: Look, I'm sorry, you know, I-I-I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives.
Charlie: No no, I'm really serious, did they mention the wife? I just want to know about the wife.
Obituary Writer #1: [Increasingly agitated] You win! You win. I'm a bad person!
Obituary Writer #2: Hey c'mon, take it easy, will ya?
Obituary Writer #1: Well, he's sayin' I'm insensitive! He's sayin' I'm a shit!
Obituary Writer #2: He's not sayin' you're a shit!
Charlie: [Trying to get a word in edgewise] Did they mention his wife? Did they mention his wife?!
Obituary Writer #1: [Losing it completely] NO! THEY DIDN'T MENTION THE WIFE! YOU HAPPY?!?! [Begins to storm off; everyone's staring at him] OH-HO, YES! I'M INSENSITIVE! I'M A BAD PERSON! STOP YOUR JOBS! LOOK AT THE INSENSITIVE MAN! THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE PAYING YOU FOR!
[The obituary writers laugh; Charlie, overhearing, begins to suspect the plumber was the victim of a serial killer]
Charlie: Did they mention anything about his wife?
Obituary Writer #1: [Chastened, thinking he's being rebuked for making insensitive jokes] Alright, okay, look, I know that we're talkin' about real people here, so I'm sorry.
Charlie: No no, I'm serious — did they mention the wife?
Obituary Writer #1: Look, I'm sorry, you know, I-I-I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives.
Charlie: No no, I'm really serious, did they mention the wife? I just want to know about the wife.
Obituary Writer #1: [Increasingly agitated] You win! You win. I'm a bad person!
Obituary Writer #2: Hey c'mon, take it easy, will ya?
Obituary Writer #1: Well, he's sayin' I'm insensitive! He's sayin' I'm a shit!
Obituary Writer #2: He's not sayin' you're a shit!
Charlie: [Trying to get a word in edgewise] Did they mention his wife? Did they mention his wife?!
Obituary Writer #1: [Losing it completely] NO! THEY DIDN'T MENTION THE WIFE! YOU HAPPY?!?! [Begins to storm off; everyone's staring at him] OH-HO, YES! I'M INSENSITIVE! I'M A BAD PERSON! STOP YOUR JOBS! LOOK AT THE INSENSITIVE MAN! THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE PAYING YOU FOR!
Virgil: I've been going through these... changes...
Doctor: That's normal for a boy your age.
Virgil: This isn't normal, believe me!
Doctor: Virgil, these changes you're talking about, do they involve... another person?
Virgil: A lot of 'em.
Doctor: Does your father know what you've been doing?
Virgil: No! And he can't! Hold on... [laughs] Whoa, doc, we are talking about two different things here!
Doctor: That's normal for a boy your age.
Virgil: This isn't normal, believe me!
Doctor: Virgil, these changes you're talking about, do they involve... another person?
Virgil: A lot of 'em.
Doctor: Does your father know what you've been doing?
Virgil: No! And he can't! Hold on... [laughs] Whoa, doc, we are talking about two different things here!
— Static Shock, "Aftershock"
Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: (thinking) Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: (thinking) Wait a minute. Is he coming on to me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: (thinking) Oh my God! He is coming on to me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. (giggles and winks)
Homer: (thinking) AAAHH!!! (out loud) Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans! Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
Homer: (thinking) Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: (thinking) Wait a minute. Is he coming on to me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: (thinking) Oh my God! He is coming on to me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. (giggles and winks)
Homer: (thinking) AAAHH!!! (out loud) Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans! Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
— The Simpsons, "Last Exit to Springfield"
Hook: Did you say Pan has banished Tinker Bell?
Smee: (nervous) Aye-aye, Captain. That he has.
Hook: But why?
Smee: Well, account of Wendy, Captain. Tink tried to do her in, she did. Tink's terrible jealous.
Hook: (gets an idea) Well, well...
Smee: That's why we ought to leave, Captain. This ain't no place for a respectable pirate.
Hook: That's it, Smee! THAT'S IT!
Smee: I'm glad you agrees, Captain.
Hook: Quick, me coat. Me best dress coat!
Smee: Aye-aye, sir! The sooner we gets going the better!
Hook: (to himself) Oh, yes, a jealous female can be tricked into anything. (to Smee) My case of hooks!
Smee: Aye-aye, sir! (gets a box full of hooks) Here you are, sir. You're Sunday set, sir.
Hook: If we impress the pixie, convince her we're eager to help her, the wench may chart our course to a certain hiding place.
Smee: Our best hiding place is the Spanish Main, sir. I'll set our course—(Hook yanks him up by his pants)
Hook: And where do you think you are going?
Smee: T-To tell the boys we sail through the tide, sir.
Hook: You will go ashore, pick up Tinker Bell and bring her to me. (tosses Smee down) UNDERSTAND?!
Smee: Aye-aye, sir! (rows a dinghy off the ship and towards the island)
Triton: Let's see now. Oh, who could the lucky merman be? (notices Sebastian in the doorway) Come in, Sebastian.
Sebastian: (takes a deep breath) I mustn't overreact. I must remain calm. (slowly skitters toward the king; speaks with a high pitched crack) Yes? (clears throat) Yes, your majesty?
Triton: Eh, Sebastian, I'm concerned about Ariel. Have you noticed she's been acting peculiar lately?
Sebastian: Oh... Peculiar?
Triton: Airing all morning about, daydreaming, singing to herself. You haven't noticed, hmm?
Sebastian: Oh, well, I...
Triton: (coyly) Sebastian...
Sebastian: Hmm...?
(Triton gestures for Sebastian to come closer; the crab nervously swims up to the throne)
Triton: I know you've been keeping something from me.
Sebastian: (gulps) Keeping something?
Triton: About Ariel?
Sebastian: (notices his legs shaking, which he covers up) Ariel?
Triton: In love?
Sebastian: (cracks) I TRIED TO STOP HER, SIR! SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN! I TOLD TO STAY AWAY FROM HUMANS! THEY ARE BAD, THEY ARE TROUBLE! THEY...!
Triton: Humans?! WHAT ABOUT HUMANS?!
Sebastian: ...Humans? (nervous chuckle) Who said anything about humans?
[Lister, Cat and Kryten are being held at gunpoint by a Simulant. Lister sees an armed Rimmer appear behind the Simulant, who doesn't notice him]
Lister: Hey, c'mon, let's just talk, okay? We didn't start any of this, and I think that maybe NOW is a good time to sit down and parlay. Let's not hang around, just get on with it.
Simulant: There is nothing for us to discuss. In sixty seconds, you will all be dead.
[Behind the Simulant, Rimmer notices an escape capsule and begins to creep towards it. Lister and the others watch in horror.]
Lister: You can't be serious.
Simulant: I am perfectly serious.
Lister: I don't believe you're being serious.
Simulant: I do not understand why you're having such problems grasping this concept. I'm a totally ruthless, amoral killing machine. So why, in the name of all that's putrid, don't you believe I'm serious?
Lister: I'm gonna say this just one more time, 'cos you still got a chance to change your mind. Think about it! Everything we've been through! Does none of that mean anything to you?!
[Rimmer leaps into the escape capsule, causing the ship to start collapsing in on itself]
Lister: Hey, c'mon, let's just talk, okay? We didn't start any of this, and I think that maybe NOW is a good time to sit down and parlay. Let's not hang around, just get on with it.
Simulant: There is nothing for us to discuss. In sixty seconds, you will all be dead.
[Behind the Simulant, Rimmer notices an escape capsule and begins to creep towards it. Lister and the others watch in horror.]
Lister: You can't be serious.
Simulant: I am perfectly serious.
Lister: I don't believe you're being serious.
Simulant: I do not understand why you're having such problems grasping this concept. I'm a totally ruthless, amoral killing machine. So why, in the name of all that's putrid, don't you believe I'm serious?
Lister: I'm gonna say this just one more time, 'cos you still got a chance to change your mind. Think about it! Everything we've been through! Does none of that mean anything to you?!
[Rimmer leaps into the escape capsule, causing the ship to start collapsing in on itself]
—Red Dwarf, "Rimmerworld"
[Carol Farnsworth has sent what she thinks is video evidence of the murder of Barbara Stone by her husband Sam to the police, only it’s actually a video nasty of Police Chief Henry Benton with a hooker. This conversation takes place over the phone]
Benton: Hello?
Carol: Hello. Is this Chief Benton?
Benton: Uh, y-yes.
Carol: I’m the one who sent you the tape. Have you had a look at it yet?
Benton: ...Yes. I just saw it.
Carol: So what do you think?
Benton: [nervous, thinking he’s becoming a victim of blackmail] Well, obviously it’s very upsetting. This whole thing‘s making me ill.
Carol: [sighs] I agree. That poor woman, she had to go through a living hell! I’d rather die a quick death.
Benton: [testy] All right, all right! What do you want from me?
Carol: Well, arresting Sam Stone would be a good start.
Benton: [confused] You want me to arrest Sam Stone? Any special reason why I should arrest him?
Carol: [annoyed at having to point out the seemingly obvious] For murdering his wife!
Benton: [still a bit lost] Murder? Well, uh, all right, okay. But you know, it’s not gonna be easy, I’ll need evidence.
Carol: That tape isn’t enough to convince you? Jesus! [rolls her eyes] Think of the publicity you’ll get.
Benton: [plainly thinking “Oh God, she’ll expose my adultery if I don’t play her game”] Ahem, all right, all right. I’m convinced. I’ll have Sam Stone arrested.
Carol: Thank you. [hangs up]
Benton: Hello?
Carol: Hello. Is this Chief Benton?
Benton: Uh, y-yes.
Carol: I’m the one who sent you the tape. Have you had a look at it yet?
Benton: ...Yes. I just saw it.
Carol: So what do you think?
Benton: [nervous, thinking he’s becoming a victim of blackmail] Well, obviously it’s very upsetting. This whole thing‘s making me ill.
Carol: [sighs] I agree. That poor woman, she had to go through a living hell! I’d rather die a quick death.
Benton: [testy] All right, all right! What do you want from me?
Carol: Well, arresting Sam Stone would be a good start.
Benton: [confused] You want me to arrest Sam Stone? Any special reason why I should arrest him?
Carol: [annoyed at having to point out the seemingly obvious] For murdering his wife!
Benton: [still a bit lost] Murder? Well, uh, all right, okay. But you know, it’s not gonna be easy, I’ll need evidence.
Carol: That tape isn’t enough to convince you? Jesus! [rolls her eyes] Think of the publicity you’ll get.
Benton: [plainly thinking “Oh God, she’ll expose my adultery if I don’t play her game”] Ahem, all right, all right. I’m convinced. I’ll have Sam Stone arrested.
Carol: Thank you. [hangs up]
The Stranger: Come on out! It's no good hiding anymore! I know who you are- more importantly, I know what you are! Just tell me what I want to know! No need for this to get bloody! [Kratos answers the door] Huh. Thought you'd be bigger. But you're definitely the one. Long way from home, aren't you?
Kratos: What do you want?
The Stranger: Oh, you already know the answer to that.
Kratos: Whatever it is you seek, I do not have it. You should move on. [Turns his back on The Stranger]
The Stranger: [laughs dryly] And here I thought your kind was supposed to be so much more... enlightened. So much better than us. So much smarter! And yet you hide out here in the woods... like a coward.
Kratos: [turns to face The Stranger] You do not want this fight.
The Stranger: Ohhhhh... I'm pretty sure that I do. [slaps Kratos out of nowhere]
Kratos: [trying to contain his anger and glaring at The Stranger] Leave. My. Home.
The Stranger: You... are going to have to kill me for that to happen. [He punches Kratos a few more times, until Kratos finally grabs his fist and forces it back]
Kratos: I Warned You... [winds up for a punch]
The Stranger: Finally!
Kratos: [Punches The Stranger backwards] You would not listen.
Kratos: What do you want?
The Stranger: Oh, you already know the answer to that.
Kratos: Whatever it is you seek, I do not have it. You should move on. [Turns his back on The Stranger]
The Stranger: [laughs dryly] And here I thought your kind was supposed to be so much more... enlightened. So much better than us. So much smarter! And yet you hide out here in the woods... like a coward.
Kratos: [turns to face The Stranger] You do not want this fight.
The Stranger: Ohhhhh... I'm pretty sure that I do. [slaps Kratos out of nowhere]
Kratos: [trying to contain his anger and glaring at The Stranger] Leave. My. Home.
The Stranger: You... are going to have to kill me for that to happen. [He punches Kratos a few more times, until Kratos finally grabs his fist and forces it back]
Kratos: I Warned You... [winds up for a punch]
The Stranger: Finally!
Kratos: [Punches The Stranger backwards] You would not listen.
—God of War (PS4) note
Edward Elric: We just heard about Lieutenant Colonel Hughes.
Maria Ross (beat) Yeah. That's rough news, huh?
Ed: There was still so much that we wanted to tell him about.
Alphonse Elric: We would have liked to say goodbye.
Ross: We weren't able to reach you. Don't worry, though. The military gave him a proper sendoff.
Ed: Wow, that was nice.
Ross: That's how it's done. Also, if you boys haven't heard already, I'm sure you'll both be glad to know... he was promoted. Two whole ranks.
Ed: Up to Brigadier General?
Al: He retired to the country and they promoted him?
(Ross gasps)
Ed: Lieutenant Ross?
(Ed and Al realize what really happened while Ross stands there, realizing she's said too much)
Maria Ross (beat) Yeah. That's rough news, huh?
Ed: There was still so much that we wanted to tell him about.
Alphonse Elric: We would have liked to say goodbye.
Ross: We weren't able to reach you. Don't worry, though. The military gave him a proper sendoff.
Ed: Wow, that was nice.
Ross: That's how it's done. Also, if you boys haven't heard already, I'm sure you'll both be glad to know... he was promoted. Two whole ranks.
Ed: Up to Brigadier General?
Al: He retired to the country and they promoted him?
(Ross gasps)
Ed: Lieutenant Ross?
(Ed and Al realize what really happened while Ross stands there, realizing she's said too much)
Tusk: If you've seen a porno, it's probably been shot on my boat. Go ahead, name a porn.
Beef: I'd rather not.
Tusk: Yup, shot on my boat. Name another.
Beef: No, sir.
Tusk: Also shot on my boat. Name another.
Wolf: This is so fun.
Tusk: Yup, parts one and two.
Ham: I feel uncomfortable.
Tusk: Again, shot on my boat.
Moon: What's a porno?
Tusk: That one, too. Very educational.
Crispin: Orgy Ahoy?
Tusk: That was shot on a soundstage, believe it or not.
Beef: I'd rather not.
Tusk: Yup, shot on my boat. Name another.
Beef: No, sir.
Tusk: Also shot on my boat. Name another.
Wolf: This is so fun.
Tusk: Yup, parts one and two.
Ham: I feel uncomfortable.
Tusk: Again, shot on my boat.
Moon: What's a porno?
Tusk: That one, too. Very educational.
Crispin: Orgy Ahoy?
Tusk: That was shot on a soundstage, believe it or not.
— The Great North, Season 2 "From Tusk Til Dawn Adventure"
Peter: I came here once before, you know.
Farmer: Oh, you did, eh?
Peter: Yes, but you weren't here, though. Just a young lady, and she gave me a bit.
Farmer: Oh, she did, did she?!
Peter: Yes. And it was very nice too. That's why I've come back for some more.
Farmer: By gum, you've got a nerve!
Peter: Oh, don't misunderstand me, please. I-I'm quite willing to pay for it this time.
Bettina: You see, there's these two things...
King Henry: Yes. I'd noticed those.
Bettina: They call them "castanets".
King Henry: Oh, that's a new name for 'em!
Bettina: And all the time you're dancing, they keep knocking together.
King Henry: Yes, I'd noticed that too.
Yami Yugi: I hail from Ancient Egypt. A long-since buried Pharaoh I once ruled over the land: commanding Magicians, Dragons, the very ground beneath your feet.
Perfect Cell: Alright, I'm actually getting a little excited now.
Yami Yugi: I was unrivaled in my time, and now I stand in modern day as King! So, Perfect Cell, do you accept my challenge, or do you bow to the whims of my majesty?
Perfect Cell: Finally, someone who gets it! Step forth your divine providence, Mighty Pharaoh. And let us upheave the land with our battle!
Yami Yugi: than it's time: to D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Du-Duel! (Beat) Whe-where's your Deck?
Perfect Cell: My D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-De-Deck?
Yami Yugi: Yes, your Deck! Also the Hologram Projectors. What are we going to do this analogue? Because I mean I can, but we're going to have to get a little closer.
Perfect Cell: Is this a prank? Which one is it, Ashton or Jamie? Oh please don't tell me its' Bam Margera...
Yami Yugi: I'm Trying to Duel you: in Duel Monsters.
Perfect Cell: Duel... Monsters?
Yami Yugi: It's a Childrens' Card Game: Ancient Egyptians loved it!
Perfect Cell: Fuck, I'm down! How do we play?
Perfect Cell: Alright, I'm actually getting a little excited now.
Yami Yugi: I was unrivaled in my time, and now I stand in modern day as King! So, Perfect Cell, do you accept my challenge, or do you bow to the whims of my majesty?
Perfect Cell: Finally, someone who gets it! Step forth your divine providence, Mighty Pharaoh. And let us upheave the land with our battle!
Yami Yugi: than it's time: to D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Du-Duel! (Beat) Whe-where's your Deck?
Perfect Cell: My D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-De-Deck?
Yami Yugi: Yes, your Deck! Also the Hologram Projectors. What are we going to do this analogue? Because I mean I can, but we're going to have to get a little closer.
Perfect Cell: Is this a prank? Which one is it, Ashton or Jamie? Oh please don't tell me its' Bam Margera...
Yami Yugi: I'm Trying to Duel you: in Duel Monsters.
Perfect Cell: Duel... Monsters?
Yami Yugi: It's a Childrens' Card Game: Ancient Egyptians loved it!
Perfect Cell: Fuck, I'm down! How do we play?
Castti: This hospital is quite the mess. Unsanitary environs are unacceptable for a place of healing. We need to clean it up.
Throné: Clean, you say...? Very well. Where do we start?
Castti: I should think that would be obvious. We'll start with... the dross, the dregs, the scum.
Throné: I couldn't agree more. We'll rid society of all its filth.
Castti: Rid...? Hmm, I suppose, yes, we should be thorough. We need to scrub this place down.
Throné: Exactly. We wouldn't want to leave any evidence behind.
Castti: You don't need to tell me twice. We'll sponge, mop, and towel the place dry.
Throné: Cold water's best. It will clean up any blood that may spill from our targets.
Castti: Targets? You mean our patients?
Throné: .....
Castti: .....Is... it just me, or have we been having two separate conversations?
Throné: It certainly seems that way, yes...
Throné: Clean, you say...? Very well. Where do we start?
Castti: I should think that would be obvious. We'll start with... the dross, the dregs, the scum.
Throné: I couldn't agree more. We'll rid society of all its filth.
Castti: Rid...? Hmm, I suppose, yes, we should be thorough. We need to scrub this place down.
Throné: Exactly. We wouldn't want to leave any evidence behind.
Castti: You don't need to tell me twice. We'll sponge, mop, and towel the place dry.
Throné: Cold water's best. It will clean up any blood that may spill from our targets.
Castti: Targets? You mean our patients?
Throné: .....
Castti: .....Is... it just me, or have we been having two separate conversations?
Throné: It certainly seems that way, yes...
— Octopath Traveler II, "Cleaning Up" party banter.
