Quotes / Dr. Jerk

"I am Dr. Mario and I prescribe high-fives
Laughter's the best medicine, so—
(backhands patient) BWAHAHA, you fell down"

"Dr. Nancy Snyderman achieved the impossible last October when she temporarily dethroned Matt Lauer as the smuggiest smug smugger of the Today show by breaking the voluntary Ebola quarantine she promised to put herself under and by releasing a bullshit statement where she took zero responsibility....Iím sorry! My butt wasnít bleeding and I wanted mac and cheese. Get over it, you paranoid whores!
And as my mom would say, 'DR. OZ WOULD NEVER!' Dr. Oz would gladly stay in his house and film a month-long special titled: How To Lose Your Stubborn Belly Fat While Under A 21-Day Ebola Quarantine."

"I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does; chicks, money, power, and chicks."
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox, Scrubs

"Hey, Wilson! I'm gonna go cut some cripple's eye out! Wanna come watch?"
Dr. Gregory House, House

"In the words of the philosopher Scepturn, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?"
Dr. James "Mossy" Lawn, Night Watch

"Those people seem to have the mistaken idea that doctors are volunteer workers, or something like that. Our priority is to progress as medical scholars before we save lives."
Director Heinemann, Monster

Patient's father: How can you treat someone without meeting them?
House: It's easy if you don't give a crap about them.

"Vould you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!"

Q: What's the difference between God and a surgeon?
A: God doesn't think he's a surgeon.
— Traditional pre-op joke.

"Fine, die all on your own. I'll phone a mortician."
Doctor (if you can't afford their services), MOTHER

"Hurry up! What are you missing a leg or some... oh..."
"Attention passengers, the local time... doesn't matter since you'll be dead soon anyway."
"WE'RE HIT!!! WE'RE HIT!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE...haha! Just kidding! Should've seen the looks on your faces!"
"Walk it off!"
"Welcome aboard. Are you an organ donor?"
"Oh suck it up! You act like you got BOTH arms blown off!"
— Terran medivac, Starcraft II

"Rub some dirt on it, ya wimp."
Support Soldier using a medkit, XCOM: Enemy Unknown

Edmund Blackadder: Look, am I paying for this abuse, or is it extra?
Doctor: No, all part of the service.
Blackadder II