Quotes / BoJack Horseman

This page contains major, unmarked spoilers for BoJack Horseman. You Have Been Warned.

Season 1

"[Mr. Peanutbutter's] so stupid he doesn't realise how miserable he should be. I envy that."

— BoJack, "Pilot/BoJack Horseman: The BoJack Horseman Story, Chapter One"

"I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast!"

— BoJack, "Pilot/BoJack Horseman: The BoJack Horseman Story, Chapter One"

BoJack: Sarah Lynn, this is for your own good.
Sarah Lynn: Okie-doke. I guess I'll just move out and find one of the billion other people who will let me party at their house.
BoJack: Uh, you should... not... do that.
Sarah Lynn: Oh, I know, I know. But I can, so I will. I'm at a place right now where I never need to 'grow as a person' or 'rise to an occasion,' so I can just keep surrounding myself with sycophants and enablers until I die tragically young.
BoJack: Wh-what?
Sarah Lynn: Yeah, it's pretty much too late for me... Well, them's the breaks! Take it sleazy, everybody!

—"Prickly-Muffin"

BoJack: Hey, I wanted to talk to you about... you know. I feel bad about what happened.
Herb: So, you're apologizing.
BoJack: Yes. I'm sorry.
Herb: Okay. I don't forgive you.
BoJack: ...Herb, I said I'm sorry.
Herb: Yeah, and I do not forgive you.
BoJack: Uh... not sure you get what's happening here. This could be the last time that—
Herb: No. I'm not gonna give you closure. You don't get that. You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it's never, ever going to be okay!
BoJack: ...I really think that we'd both feel better if we just—
Herb: I'm dying! I'm not gonna feel better! And I'm not gonna be your prop so you can feel better!
BoJack: You have to believe me. I did everything I could.
Herb: Yeah? Then why didn't you call me? Huh? Twenty years, you didn't call me.
BoJack: Well, look, I- I- I wanted to, but I didn't think—
Herb: Do you know what it was like for me? I had nobody. Everybody left! I knew all those showbiz phonies would turn on me, sure. But you?
BoJack: It's not my fault you got fired.
Herb: I don't care about the job! I did fine, I had a good life, but what I needed then was a friend! And you abandoned me. And I will never forgive you for that. Now get the fuck out of my house!

—"The Telescope"

Herb: You know what your problem is? You want to think of yourself as the good guy. Well, I know you better than anyone, and I can tell you that you're not. In fact, you'd probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you're a selfish goddamn coward who just takes whatever he wants and doesn't give a shit about who he hurts. That's you. That's BoJack Horseman.
BoJack: ...I don't know why I came here.
Herb: ...Yeah. You do.

—"The Telescope"

Vincent: Hi.
BoJack: So you're the quote-unquote "person," singular, that everyone's so crazy about. What have you got figured out that I don't?
Vincent: Um... adult stuff?
BoJack: Yeah, I'm not seeing it. But that doesn't matter. Not everything's about me. ...And maybe I am a little jealous. Not because I actually want to date Princess Carolyn anymore, but just because... I don't like the idea that I can't. I guess I just assumed I always could. But I made a lot of bad decisions... not just with her. With... (sighs) with everyone, really. ...You know, Princess Carolyn was right. You are a good listener.
Vincent: Thanks.
BoJack: You know, sometimes I feel like I was born with a leak, and any goodness I started with just slowly spilled out of me and now it's all gone. And I'll never get it back in me. It's too late. ...Life is a series of closing doors, isn't it?

—"Horse Majeure"

"My question is for Diane. Look, I'm sorry about all the stuff I said about you earlier. We can publish the book you wrote. You're obviously a better writer than I am, and I don't actually even really care what the world thinks about me anymore. I just hated reading that book because I hated feeling like that's how you saw me. Because I guess you know me better than anybody, and if you think that... Um, I- I guess my question is, do you... do you think it's too late for me? I mean, am, am, am I just doomed to be the person that I am? Th-the person in that book? ...It's not too late for me, is it? It's-it's not too late... Diane, I need you to tell me that it's not too late. ...I, I, I need you to tell me that I'm a good person. I know that I can be selfish and narcissistic and self-destructive, but underneath all that, deep down, I'm a good person and I need you to tell me that I'm good... Diane... tell me, please, Diane, tell me that I'm good..."

— BoJack, "Downer Ending"

"BoJack, when I was your age, I got sad. A lot. I didn't come from such a great home, but one day, I started running, and that seemed to make sense, so then I just kept running. BoJack, when you get sad, you run straight ahead and you keep running forward, no matter what. There are people in your life who are gonna try to hold you back, slow you down, but you don't let them. Don't you stop running and don't you ever look behind you. There's nothing for you behind you. All that exists is what's ahead."

— Secretariat, "Later"

Season 2

Beatrice: I just wanted to tell you that I know. I know you want to be happy, but you won't be... and I'm sorry.
BoJack: ...What?
Beatrice: It's not just you, you know. Your father and I, we, well... you come by it honestly, the ugliness inside you. You were born broken, that's your birthright. And now you can fill your life with projects your books and your movies and your little girlfriends but... that won't make you whole. You're BoJack Horseman. There's no cure for that.

—"Brand New Couch"

BoJack: I'm sorry I accused you of murder, American TV Legend Henry Winkler.
Henry Winkler: No need to apologize. You ascribed a mystery to Herb's death to give it meaning, but there is no meaning in death. That's why it's so terrifying!
BoJack: I guess it was just easier to believe that you killed him for his book than believe he just died for nothing.
Henry Winkler: There is no shame in dying for nothing. That's why most people die.
BoJack: I just wanted to fix things somehow.
Henry Winkler: I'm sorry, Horse guy, but you can't.

—"Still Broken"

BoJack: Hey, are you scared, at all? That if the show takes off, everything's going to change?
Herb: No, I'm not scared, BJ. The future is bright. Just look at it.

—"Still Broken"

Diane: I know who you are.
Hank: Sweetheart, everyone knows who I am. I'm Hank Hippopopalous. Who the hell are you?

—"Hank After Dark"

Mr. Peanutbutter: All I ever wanted was to be your friend. And you treat me like a big joke. You think I don't notice? Why don't you like me?
BoJack: Mr. Peanutbutter...
Mr. Peanutbutter: No, tell me.
BoJack: Because... I'm jealous.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, of what? Diane?
BoJack: No. Of everything. Everything comes so easy for you.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, and it doesn't for you? You're a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who loves you, acting in your dream movie. What more do you want? What else could the universe possibly owe you?
BoJack: I want to feel good about myself. The way you do. And I don't know how. I don't know if I can.

—"Let's Find Out"

J.D. Salinger: Now this is television. Turn on the rain.
Todd: Um, don't you think you're pushing them too far?
J.D. Salinger: I'll tell you when it's too far. This is my art, goddammit. I'm J.-goddamn-D.-goddamn-Salinger, and I want rain!

—"Let's Find Out"

Wanda: ...What happened, BoJack?
BoJack: Same thing that always happens. You didn't know me. Then you fell in love with me. And now you know me.

—"Yes And..."

"You know, it's funny... when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags."

—Wanda, "Yes And..."

BoJack: Charlotte, I am so sorry—
Charlotte: Don't. Don't you dare. If you are not out of my driveway in thirty minutes, I will call the police. And if you ever try to contact me or my family again, I will fucking kill you.

—"Escape from L.A."

"It gets easier. Every day, it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day. That's the hard part. But it does get easier."

— Jogger, "Out to Sea"

Season 3

Diane: Everyone was worried about you, you know? You can't just disappear. You really hurt a lot of people.
Cuddlywhiskers: Sometimes you have to take responsibility for your own happiness.
Diane:: You don't think that's a little selfish?
Cuddlywhiskers: I don't know what to tell you. I'm happy, for the first time in my life, and I'm not gonna feel bad about it. It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, and even longer to see it doesn't have to be that way. Only after you give up everything, can you begin to find a way to be happy.

—"Bojack Kills"

Tanisha: I love Karen, but does she complete me?
BoJack: Tanisha, nobody completes anybody. That's not a real thing. If you're lucky enough to find someone you can half-way tolerate, you sink your nails in and you don't let go, no matter what.
Tanisha: So what, I should just settle?
BoJack: Yes, thank you! Exactly! Settle! Because, otherwise, you're just gonna get older, and harder, and more alone. And you're gonna do everything you can to fill that hole with friends, and your career, and meaningless sex, but the hole doesn't get filled. And one day, you're gonna look around, and you're gonna realize that everybody loves you! But nobody likes you, and that is the loneliest feeling in the world.

—"Love and/or Marriage"

"I know I don't always have the right words and I don't always have the right feelings, but I love you so much and I need you to know that. And sometimes I think that I know myself, but maybe that's a trap, because maybe I am 'Cool sexy' Diane, or 'Really in touch with her feelings' Diane or possibly other Dianes we don't even know about yet, the point is I'm all of the Dianes. I love that you do crazy things that make no sense like filling the house with spaghetti straighteners! And we're really good for each other, or at least, you are good for me. You're fun, and you're sweet, and I love you, and I need you. I don't always have the right words, but drugs help."

— Diane, "Love and/or Marriage"

BoJack: I could see her through the window. I just watched her being... normal.
The Closer: There's something very intimate about watching a person be herself.

—"Stop The Presses"

BoJack: I don't want to talk to anybody, what I want is to have control over my own life.[...] Which is why I'm begging you to please, cancel my subscription to the LA Gazette.
The Closer: I don't think you wanna do that.
BoJack: I promise you I do!
The Closer: No, because that's just theater. It allows you to think you're in control, but the whole idea of control is just a myth. The universe is a wild beast. You can't tame it, all you can do is try to live inside it.

—"Stop The Presses"

"I do love you, by the way. I mean, as much as I am capable of loving anyone. Which is never enough. I'm sorry."

— BoJack, "Best Thing That Ever Happened"

Ana: BoJack, listen. When I was 17, I snuck out to a fraternity party. The roads were icy and I swerved into the lake. I came to underwater.
It was dark and cold, and I didn't even know which way was up. I thought for sure I was going to drown. And then I noticed when I opened my mouth, the air bubbles floated up, and that's how I knew which way to swim.
BoJack: That is a terrifying story.
Ana: BoJack, when you find yourself lost and disoriented and underwater and you don't know which way is up, it's important to breathe.

—"It's You"

BoJack: Todd, I'm sorry, alright? I screwed up, I- I know I screwed up, I—
Todd: Oh great, of course! Here it comes! You can't keep doing this! You can't keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better!
BoJack: I know, and I'm sorry, okay? I was drunk and there was all this pressure with the Oscar campaign, but now that it's over, I- I- I—
Todd: No! No. BoJack, just... stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you. It's not the alcohol or the drugs or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career or when you were a kid, it's you! Alright? It's you. ... Fuck, man. What else is there to say?

—"It's You"

"I want to be an architect."

— Sarah Lynn, "That's Too Much, Man!"

"See, Sarah Lynn? We're not doomed. In the great, grand scheme of things, we're just tiny specks that will one day be forgotten. So it doesn't matter what we did in the past, or how we'll be remembered. The only thing that matters is right now, this moment, this one spectacular moment we are sharing together. Right, Sarah Lynn? Sarah Lynn? ... Sarah Lynn?"

— BoJack, "That's Too Much, Man!"

Ana: After I almost drowned, I decided I would never again be weaker than water. So I became a lifeguard. On my first day of training, my instructor told me that there are going to be times when you'll see someone in trouble. You're going to want to rush in there and do whatever you can to save them, but you have to stop yourself, because there are some people you can't save. 'Cause those people will thrash and struggle and try to take you down with them

BoJack: What does this have to do with me?

—"That's Too Much, Man!"

BoJack: I don't know how to be, Diane. It doesn't get better and it doesn't get easier. I can't keep lying to myself, saying I'm gonna change. I'm poison.
Diane: BoJack...
BoJack: I come from poison, I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch. That's my legacy. I have nothing to show for the life that I've lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me.
Diane: That isn't true.
BoJack: Isn't it, though?

—"That Went Well"

"When I was a kid, I used to watch you on TV, and you know I didn't have the best family. Things weren't that great for me. But, for half an hour, every week, I got to watch this show about four people who had nobody, who came together and became a family, and for half an hour, every week, I had a home, and it helped me survive."

— Diane, "That Went Well"

"I'm not gay. I mean, I don't think I am, but... I don't think I am straight, either. I don't know what I am. I think I might be nothing."

— Todd, "That Went Well"

Season 4

Hollyhock: Sometimes I have this tiny voice in the back of my head that goes, like, "Hey, everyone hates you! And they're not wrong to feel that way!"
BoJack: I know what you mean.
Hollyhock: That voice, the one that tells you you're worthless and stupid and ugly?
BoJack: Yeah?
Hollyhock: It goes away, right? It's just, like, a dumb teenage-girl thing, but then it goes away?
BoJack: Yeah.

—"Stupid Piece of Sh*t"

"Sometimes, life is like the second season of Friday Night Lights, you gotta push through and hope there's better stuff ahead."

— Princess Carolyn, "Undergound"

Princess Carolyn: Hey, you want to know what I do when I have a really bad, awful, terrible day?
BoJack: What?
Princess Carolyn: I imagine my great-great-great granddaughter in the future talking to her class about me. She's poised and funny, and tells people about me and how everything worked out in the end. And when I think about that, I think about how everything's going to work out. Because how else could she tell people?
BoJack: But it's... fake.
Princess Carolyn: Yeah, well... it makes me feel better.

—"Ruthie"

BoJack: Guerrero! Hollyhock Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson-Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzarelli-McQuack, that's her name! And she's about 5'8'' and she is 17 and her birthday is in September and... she looks like me. And she loves apples, but hates apple sauce. And she's funny! But she isn't... mean, which is pretty remarkable, because a lot of 17 years old think they have to be mean to be funny but Hollyhock is very sweet. Even if she is being sarcastic, but she has this smile... does that help?
Attendant: No man, are you her legal guardian?
BoJack: I am not leaving here until I get to see her.

—"loving that Cali lifestyle!"

Beatrice: Alright...we'll pay for your tuition.
Henrietta: Really?
Beatrice: Yes...and you'll give the baby up for adoption.
Henrietta: [gasps] No!
Beatrice: You think you want this, but you don't. Not like this.
Henrietta: Mrs. Horseman...
Beatrice: Don't throw your dreams away for this child. Don't let that man poison your life the way he did mine. You are going to finish your schooling and become a nurse. You'll meet a man, a good man, and you'll have a family, but please, believe me, you don't want this. Please, Henrietta, you have to believe me. Please...don't do what I did.

—"Time's Arrow"

Bojack: Best of luck. See you never. [walks towards the exit]
Beatrice: Who is that?
Bojack: Ugh. Bye, mom.
Beatrice: Bojack?
Bojack: [stops] Mom?
Beatrice: B-Bojack? Is that you?
Bojack: Yeah. It's me.
Beatrice: Wha- How- What is this place?
Bojack: This is where you live now.
Beatrice: No... Is it? No...
Bojack: Mom-
Beatrice: Where are we, Bojack?
Bojack: I just told you-
Beatrice: I don't understand. Where... where am I?
Bojack: You're... in Michigan.
Beatrice: Michigan?
Bojack: Yeah... at the lakehouse.
Beatrice: I am?
Bojack: It's a- It's a warm summer night, and the fireflies are dancing in the sky, and your whole family is here, and they're telling you that everything is gonna be alright.
Beatrice: Yes, that's right... What else?
Bojack: The crickets are chirping, and the lake is still, and the night is full of stars.
Beatrice: I can see it; it's so clear. Wh-what are we doing here, Bojack?
Bojack: We're sitting on the back porch, and we're listening to your brother play the piano, and we're eating ice cream - Vanilla ice cream.
Beatrice: Yes, that's right. Oh, it's all so marvelous.
Bojack: Can you taste the ice cream, mom?
Beatrice: Oh, Bojack. It's so... delicious.

—"Time's Arrow"

"I got into this business because I love stories. They comfort us, they inspire us, they create a context for how we experience the world. But also, you have to be careful, because if you spend a lot of time with stories, you start to believe that life is just stories, and it's not. Life is life, and that's so sad because there's so little time and... what are we doing with it?"

— Princess Carolyn, "What Time Is It Right Now"

"The woods are dark and scary, but the only way out is through!"

— Todd, "What Time Is It Right Now"

Diane: You know, sometimes our marriage is like a magic eye poster.
Mr. Peanutbutter: I love those things.
Diane: I know. And it's messy, and at first glance, it doesn't seem to make any sense, and it's hard to figure out. But sometimes, if you squint at it just right, everything lines up, and it's the most perfect, beautiful, amazing thing.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Diane: [starts to cry] But... I'm so tired of squinting!

—"What Time Is It Right Now"

Season 5

"You say you want to get better but you don't know how."

— Diane, Trailer

"The real reason you go to Vietnam is because you accidentally see your soon to be ex-husband kiss someone else. At first you think 'Oh, it's a fling, whatever, they're drunk, it's a party.' But then he puts his hand on the small of her back exactly the way he used to do to you. It means 'I got you', and when he did it to you, it made you feel safe. And you realize he'll never do that to you again. And it breaks your heart again. After your heart was so broken that you thought it could never get anymore broken. You thought it was safe, but still somehow it finds a new way to break. Because even though you were the one that asked for this, now that you got it, you're completely adrift. With no compass or map or sense of where to go or what to do. So you go to Vietnam. You think you might find community, a connection to something bigger, but you don't. In fact, you feel even more alone than you were before you left. But you survive. You learn that you can survive being alone."

— Diane, "The Dog Days Are Over"

"My mom died and all I got was this free churro. You know the shittiest thing about all of this? Is when that stranger behind the counter gave me that free churro, that small act of kindness showed more compassion than my mother gave me her entire goddamned life. Like, how hard is it to do something nice for a person? This woman at the Jack-in-the-Box didn't even know me. I'm your son. All I had was you!"

— BoJack, "Free Churro"

"All I learned about being good, I learned from TV. And in TV, flawed characters are constantly showing people they care with these surprising grand gestures. And I think that part of me still believes that's what love is."

— BoJack, "Free Churro"

"You know what it's like? It's like that show Becker, you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just— it couldn't put them together. And when it got canceled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that's what losing a parent is like. It's like Becker. Suddenly, you realize you'll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you'd never admit it, part of you, the stupidest goddamned part of you, was still holding on to that chance. And you didn't even realize it until that chance went away. 'My mother is dead, and everything is worse now.' Because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across the room and says: 'BoJack Horseman, I see you.'"

— BoJack, "Free Churro"

"My darling mother gave the eulogy. My entire life, I never heard her say a kind word to OR about my father, but at his funeral, she said, 'My husband is dead, and everything is worse now.'"

— BoJack, "Free Churro"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

— Gina, "The Showstopper"

Stefani: You hold everyone to an impossible standard, including yourself. It's super helpful for writing hot take shakedowns, and clickbait take-downs, but totally toxic for your personal life and internalized sense of self-worth, girl.
Diane: But shouldn't we be asking more of ourselves and of the people in our lives?
Stefani: Of course. But we all fail, Diane. The world is unforgiving enough as it is. The least we could do is find ways to forgive each other and ourselves.

—"The Stopped Show"

Diane: When I was in high school I had this friend, Abby. She was my only friend and we did everything together, until she got adopted by the cool kids and then she turned on me. So fast. She used every secret she knew about me, every vulnerability. She made me miserable my entire sophmore year. But then that summer, when her mom got sick, like really sick, and all her cool friends were vacationing in Martha's Vineyard, I was there for her.
BoJack: Why?
Diane: Because I'm an idiot. And it was Abby. And I hated her and I'll never forgive her, but she needed me and she was my best friend and I loved her. And now... you're here, and I hate you, but you're my best friend and you need me.

—"The Stopped Show"

"I'm gonna say 'Hello. I am BoJack Horseman. Obviously, you know who I am, because I'm very famous, and also because we called ahead. And I am here because... I need help.'"

—"The Stopped Show"

Season 6

"Dear Diane,
Hello! This is a letter. Rehab is making me write a letter to a friend because I guess letter-writing is therapeutic? I hear it did wonders for the Zodiac killer. T̶o̶d̶a̶y̶ ̶s̶u̶c̶k̶s̶.̶ The story of my life is that I never get anything nice. You think that I'd learn to adjust my expectations by now. Anyway, what's the deal with you? Just kidding. You can't say anything, this is a letter. I'll cut right to the chase. Every time someone leaves rehab, makes you think about your own progress. I bought into this idea that I was the thing that couldn’t be changed, but the main thing I think about is how stupid I am that I didn't do this sooner. I wasted so many years being miserable because I assumed that was the only way to be. I don't want to do that anymore. Also, am I crazy, or have I gotten really good at writing letters?
Your friend,
Bojack.
P.S. Horseman."

— Part 1 Trailer

BoJack: I've made a lot of mistakes, but I look back at that other BoJack and I think, 'Who is that?' I've had a lot of rock bottoms only to discover another rockier bottom underneath. I used to feel like my whole life is an acting job, doing an impression of the people I saw on television, which was just a projection of a bunch of equally screwed-up writers and actors. I felt like a Xerox of a Xerox of a person.
Biscuits Braxby: But not anymore?

— Part 2 Trailer

"You blame all your problems on everyone else, but you're the one constant here."

— "Good Damage"

"The weak breeze whispers nothing
the water screams sublime.
His feet shift, teeter-totter
deep breaths, stand back, it’s time.

Toes untouch the overpass
soon he’s water-bound.
Eyes locked shut but peek to see
the view from halfway down.

A little wind, a summer sun
a river rich and regal.
A flood of fond endorphins
brings a calm that knows no equal.

You’re flying now, you see things
much more clear than from the ground.
It's all okay, or it would be
were you not now halfway down.

Thrash to break from gravity
what now could slow the drop?
All I’d give for toes to touch
the safety back at top.

But this is it, the deed is done
silence drowns the sound.
Before I leaped I should've seen
the view from halfway down.

I really should’ve thought about
the view from halfway down.
I wish I could've known about
the view from halfway down—"

— The titular poem as recited by Secretariat, "The View from Halfway Down"

Bojack: Is it... terrifying?
Herb: No. I don't think so. It's just the way it is, you know? Everything must come to an end. The drip finally stops.
Bojack: See you on the other side.
Herb: Oh Bojack, no. There is no other side. This is it.

— "The View From Halfway Down"

Bojack: *on the phone panicking* Diane, Diane are you there? Diane, I need you!
Diane: *tiredly* Bojack?
Bojack: Diane, thank God! Thank God, Diane! Okay Diane, Diane you're gonna save me right? I called you and you— you're coming to get me right?
Diane: Bojack, why did you call me? I live in Chicago, I can't save you.
Bojack: You didn't pick up.
Diane: Right.
Bojack: It went to voicemail.
Diane: Yeah.
Bojack: And then I went back in the pool.
Diane: It's too late. What's done is done.
Bojack: No.
Diane: There's nothing I can do, Bojack. I'm not real. None of this is.
Bojack: So what do I do now?
Diane: Bojack, it doesn't matter.
Bojack: Well if it doesn't matter... can I stay on the phone with you, at least?
Diane: Okay.
Bojack: How was your day?
Diane: Good.
Bojack: Yeah?
Diane: Yeah. My day was good.

— The final exchange, "The View from Halfway Down"

"But isn't the point of art less what people put into it and more what people get out of it?"

— Todd, "Nice While It Lasted"

"I think there are people that help you become the person that you end up being, and you can be grateful for them even if they were never meant to be in your life forever."

— Diane, "Nice While It Lasted"

BoJack: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? Life's a bitch and then you die, right?
Diane: Sometimes. Sometimes life's a bitch and then you keep living.
BoJack: Yeah.
Diane: But it's a nice night, huh?
BoJack: Yeah. This is nice.

— "Nice While It Lasted"

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