"I'm an atheist, and I love religion, I really do. And I don't love religion in a snarky, mean-spirited way, I unbashingly, sincerely love that we've religion. Because if we didn't we wouldn't be here right now, being all post-modern and ironic. There wouldn't be any civilization if no one invented religion we would be fucked right now, because in the dawn of man, civilization was...the biggest and the strongest. And thats the farest we're gonna go. It was whoever the biggest fucked, killed, ate anything they wanted, that was it. Civilization was a huge psychopath with a club going "I'm gonna have rape for dinner", that was it. Thats just far we were gonna go. And then one of my ancestors; some weakling, said "Look, there's no way I'm gonna beat that guy, but what if I trick him into thinking that if he doesn't kill and rape people while he's down here, when he dies there's a magic city in the clouds and he can go up and have all the cakes he wants." Now thats not a very well-formed plan but he went and told the big psycho, and the psycho heard that and said "Yeah I like cake". Boom, there you go! That was the beginning of civilization. Now we can work on fire, and writing, and agriculture. Thats religion: its the sky cake dodge. It worked. But, and by he way things were great for a while, but then what was happening was that ship was going all over the planet. They would just use different desserts. They would tell about "sky cookies" or "sky pie" or "sky baklava" so each of these civilizations grew, they built ships and go visiting each other, and one guy would walk off the boat and go "Hey, did you hear the good news about sky baklava?", and the first guy went "ITS CAKE MOTHERFUCKER, YOU'RE DEAD!!" And then oh my God there were the dessert wars, it was a nightmare. They were just killing people. It got so bad that every one and than, some dude shows up and go "Hey guys, good news; there're cake and pie and cookies for everyone and we can all share!" and people said "NAIL HIM TO A FUCKING CROSS!! IT'S ONLY CAKE!! OH MY GOD, THE ONLY WAY SKY CAKE TASTE GOOD IS IF UP IN THE SKY, THE SKY COOKIES AND SKY PIE PEOPLE CAN'T HAVE THE SKY CAKE!! THAT THE ONLY WAY SKY CAKE TASTE GOOD!! I DID NOT SPEND MY LIFE NOT RAPING AND KILLING PEOPLE TO NOT GO UP TO THE SKIES AND HAVE CAKE!! SKY CAKE!!!" So the next time you see some douchebag in front of a abortion clinic, or trying to ban a Harry Potter novel, just say "Oh sky cake. Why're you so delicious?!"
— Patton Oswalt, Sky Cake
We just need to treat religious people with kindness and love, in the same way you'd treat a child running around saying: "I'm a helicopter!"
— Simon Amstell, Grandmas House