Not today, Death!
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is many things. A Kevin James vehicle, a Happy Madison Productions flick, potentially a religious experience. It is not, however, a good movie. Fortunately, that's never stopped anyone from enjoying things before. This is where the hosts come in.
Til Death Do Us Blart is an eternal podcast created by the McElroy Brothers, of My Brother, My Brother and Me and The Adventure Zone fame, and by Tim Batt and Guy Montgomery, of The Worst Idea of All Time fame. Every American Thanksgiving, until the day that they die, the hosts will rewatch Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, get together, and record their thoughts on their experience. When a host dies they will be replaced by a successor of their choosing, and this cycle will repeat until the end of linear time. Despite the self-imposed constraint of only watching it once per year, the hosts concoct multiple theories on the production, plot and universe of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.
Current Hosts
- Justin McElroy (2015-)
- Travis McElroy (2015-)
- Griffin McElroy (2015-)
- Tim Batt (2015-)
- Guy Montgomery (2015-)
Provides examples of:
- Actually Pretty Funny: While the host's feelings towards the movie and individual jokes change from year to year, there are two scenes that they always agree are universally funny: the scene where Muhrtelle the janitor eats a very old banana, and the part where Paul is attacked by a large bird in a garden.
- Alternate DVD Commentary: The 2020 episode is meant to be played while watching the movie.
- Anthology Film: The hosts believe that the film is intended to be divided into 3 separate works:
- The first half is a family comedy about a bumbling mall cop with No Social Skills coming to terms with the fact that his daughter is growing up...
- The second half is an action-comedy parody of Die Hard...
- And perfectly dividing the two halves is a beautiful short film about a man being attacked by a giant bird in a garden.
- Catchphrase: Every episode (not including the Origins bonus episode) ends with the signoff "Not today, Death!"
- Does This Remind You of Anything?: Blart allowing an ice cream cone to drip onto his face is described by the hosts as "Kevin James taking a money shot" and "ice cream cumming on Kevin James' face."
- Despair Event Horizon: The hosts have on multiple occasions discussed the existential burden the podcast puts on them, occasionally delving into this territory.
- In the 2021 episode, all 3 McElroy brothers claim that their watch "broke them" in some way.
- Everything Sounds Sexier in French: For the 2021 episode Justin watched the French dub of the movie, and lampshades that the script actually seemed better due to the classiness of the voice actors.
- Genre Shift: Their explanation for the tonal shifts between the heist scenes and Paul Blart's antics is that there are two different movies taking place at the same time that eventually merge in the climax.
- They also speculate that Lane is in the middle of his own Van Wilder-esque sex comedy, that is cut short by colliding with the heist plotline.
- Legacy Character: The hosts plan to watch and review the film every year until they die, at which point their spot on the podcast will be given over to a replacement of their choosing. Most years at least one of the hosts will make a nomination, ranging from friends and family to celebrities.
- Long Runner: In theory, this show will last until the end of existence, with the hosts passing on their mantles to various successors.
- Magical Computer: Pretty much all of the technology that the heisters use falls under this, and it is brutally and repeatedly lambasted by the hosts. Of special note is the folding laptop with 5 screens that Vincent's hired NSA agent uses.
- Mickey Mousing: Griffin tests the old "Dark Side of the Rainbow" urban legend in the 2017 episode by syncing the movie up with The Dark Side of the Moon played twice. The results aren't perfect
, but certain shots, especially in the first half (such as Eduardo shooting targets in time to the descending chords in "Money", or Paul fighting the crane, then making the SOTA dinner speech only to realize Maya's not there, timed to "Brain Damage" and "Eclipse"), are eerie. - Mushroom Samba: A realistically downplayed example. Prior to his 2019 watch, Tim takes half a tab of acid and watches it in VR. Instead of anything spectacular he mostly just has a difficult time focusing on the film or taking notes on the experience, and seems to be still a bit out of it at the time of recording. All in all, he calls it a waste of a trip.
- Trauma Conga Line: The fact that within the first 5 minutes of the movie, Paul Blart loses his wife (to vomit-induced divorce), and his mother (due to milk-truck related collision), spawns the Shadow Man theory.
- Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?: The reason the heist crew is so hesitant to just shoot Paul Blart is that they only have one gun, and they have to share it between them.
