Funny / Up in Smoke

  • The opening scene of Cheech being so dazed after waking up that he ends up peeing next to the toilet.

  • Pedro and the Man meet for the first time when Chong hitchhikes with fake breasts.
    Man: I Slept in a ditch last night and almost froze my balls off.
    Pedro: I didn't even think you had any!

  • Pedro, trying to find a joint to share with Chong:
    Pedro: No, that's my dick...[finds it] Here it is.
    Chong: I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.

  • "Am I driving OK?" [They're parked.]

  • "Hey don't take those, man."
    "You just ate the most acid I ever seen anyone eat in my life."

  • Cheech, talking to the cop while stoned.
    "My license? It's on the bumper."
    "Here's your momma!"
    "His name is RAAAAAALPH, man."

  • Chong spills Ajax on a plate. A woman sees it and thinks that it's cocaine...

  • The marijuana van is overheating. A cop pulls Pedro and Chong over and gets high off the fumes.
    Cop: "What do you guys want?"
    Chong: "What was he on, man?
    Cheech: "I don't know but I wish we had some of it!"

  • Chong on the police dispatch with Sgt. Stadenko: "Was that Lard Ass?" "HARD HAT, HARD HAT!!!"
    • In a deleted scene: "The van was last seen headed to your momma's bedroom."
    • The end to that bit:
    "Radio dispatch! Do you know who this is?"
    "No, who is this is?"
    "This is Sargent Stadenko!"
    "Oh, yeah? You know who this is?"
    "Bye-bye, lardass!"

  • "Fuck me, Alex!"
    • "I didn't know your name was Alex, man!"

  • The entire Alice Bowie performance.

  • "You mean we're smoking dogshit, man?"

  • In the courtroom when Pedro takes the judge's glass of water to give Man a drink.
    Man: "That's fucking vodka man!"