Funny / Up in Smoke

• The opening scene of Cheech being so dazed after waking up that he stumbles into the bathroom and ends up peeing in a laundry hamper across the room from the toilet.

• Pedro and the Man meet for the first time when Chong hitchhikes with fake breasts.
  Man: I slept in a ditch last night and almost froze my balls off.
  Pedro: I didn't even think you had any!

• Pedro, trying to find a joint to share with Chong:
  Pedro: No, that's my dick... [finds it] Here it is.
  Chong: I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.

• "Am I driving OK?" "I think we're parked."
  • This is followed by Pedro beginning to freak out, so Man gives him what he thinks is some drugs that will mellow him out until...
  Man: Hey, man, don't eat those.
  Pedro: Hey, man, I already took them, man!
  Man: Ohhhhh!
  Pedro: What do you mean, "Ohhhhh!"?!
  Man: Oh, wow, man!
  Pedro: Hey, what WAS that shit, man?!
  Man: You just ate the most acid I've EVER seen anybody eat in my entire life!
  Pedro: I never had no acid before, man!
  Man: I hope you're not busy for about a month!
  Pedro: Shit! I'm going to die, man! That shit's gonna make me die, man!
  Man: No, that's good acid, man.
  Pedro: It's going to make me freak out, man!
  Man: Relax, man!
  Pedro: I've seen those guys that had too many acid, their heads look like a pumpkin, like THAT, man!
  Man: HEY, MELLOW OUT, MAN!! Now, just go "Oommmmmmm"...
  Pedro: What?
  Man: Do it! "Ommmmmmm...."
  Pedro: Ohhhh!
  (They begin to chant together, with Pedro slipping in an "Ohhh, shit!" at one point until he calms down.)
  Man: There. You better now, man?
  Pedro: Yeah...
  Man: You mellow?
  Pedro: Yeah.
  Man: Feel alright, huh?
  Pedro: Yeah!
  Man: RAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
  Pedro: GODDAMN, MOTHERFUCKER! GODDAMN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?!
  Man: Sometimes that helps!
• Cheech, talking to the cop while stoned.
  "My license? It's on the bumper."
  "Here's your momma!"
  "His name is RAAAAAALPH, man."

• Chong spills Ajax on a plate. A woman sees it and thinks that it's cocaine...

• The marijuana van is overheating. A cop pulls Pedro and Chong over and gets high off the fumes.
  Cop: "What do you guys want?"
  Cop: "Do you mind if I have a, bite of your, ah, hot dog?"
  Chong: "What was he on, man?
  Cheech: "I don't know but I wish we had some of it!"

• Chong on the police dispatch with Sgt. Stadenko: "Was that Lard Ass?" "HARD HAT, HARD HAT!!!"
  • In a deleted scene: "The van was last seen headed to your momma's bedroom."
  • The end to that bit:
  "Radio dispatch! Do you know who this is?"
  "No, who is this is?"
  "This is Sargent Stadenko!"
  "Oh, yeah? You know who this is?"
  "...No...!"
  "Bye-bye, lardass!"

• "Fuck me, Alex!"
  • "I didn't know your name was Alex, man!"

• The entire Alice Bowie performance.

• "You mean we're smoking dogshit, man?"

• In the courtroom when Pedro takes the judge's glass of water to give Man a drink.
  Man: "That's fucking vodka man!"