Funny / The Savannah Reid Mysteries

• Dirk (being completely serious): "You never really know who done it, 'til you know for sure who done it."
• Savannah's explanation to a sales clerk why there is a voice coming out of Tammy's bra.
  Store clerk: Did your... your bra just say something?
  Savannah: Naw, it's just her right boob. Sometimes it has political arguments with the other one about being too far left.
• In Sugar and Spite, news reporters pester Dirk as he tries to walk from the car into the police station. Savannah gives them a piece of her mind, using some very colorful language, and threatening to "whop" one "upside the head" with his own camera... only realizing later that she's going to be on the eleven o' clock news, mouthing off to the reporters.
• This exchange when Savannah and Dirk are watching a criminal being questioned:
  "Did not! I didn't either confess nothin'!" Donaldson shouted. "I didn't do nothin'. Didn't confess nothin' neither."
  "Ever notice," Savannah said, "how frequently criminals use double negatives? I wonder if they've ever done a study on the correlation between bad grammar and the criminal mind."
  "No, I ain't never noticed nothin' like that," Dirk replied.
• Sick of constantly being harassed by Kenny Bates, Savannah finally snaps. She attacks Kenny, beating him up "gleefully" with his own magazine "like a psycho wielding a foot-long butcher knife".
  • Likewise, she goes after Marietta with a pillow in Killer Honeymoon. Granny comes in the room and Savannah stops, but all that Granny has to say about it is that Marietta probably deserved it.
• The invoked Freud Was Right moment with the lighthouse.
  "If this ain't the most beautiful place on earth, I don't know what is," Gran said as she stood in front of the lightkeeper's cottage with the rest of the gang and looked up at the tower. Silhouetted against the deepening evening sky, with its brilliant coral-and-turquoise glow, the structure had an almost ethereal beauty about it.
  "What do you reckon it is," Savannah asked, her arm around her grandmother's shoulders, "that makes that shape so appealing to the human eye?"
  The moment the words were out of her mouth, Savannah realized she had just opened the door for a flood of stupid, adolescent jokes. She looked around the Moonlight Magnolia gang seated in a circle of beach chairs in front of the cottage and saw far too many males for the opportunity for "bawdy" to just slip by.
  "The first one who says something nasty and ruins this precious moment is gonna get his jaw smacked," Granny said, still gazing up at the tower.
  Waycross grinned. Dirk snickered. Ryan and John looked at each other and covered the lower portions of their faces with their hands. Savannah sighed, envying Gran. How lovely would it be to have that kind of power?
• Killer Gourmet opens with Savannah and Dirk trying to catch some guys that are basically playing "the knockout game" with elderly people; they're disguised as an old couple to try and lure them out. They end up spotting the suspects, who start heading for another couple. Savannah and Dirk rush in, but Dirk's forced to announce that he's police to keep the guys from attacking the couple, and he and Savannah think that the suspects will flee. They don't get far - the elderly couple that they were trying to attack are ex-police offers, and they beat up the guys as Savannah and Dirk watch in disbelief.
• While the author was writing the 21st book, she was startled by a spider...
  So, I'm sitting here in my big, comfy, wingback chair, feet up, laptop on top of lap, writing a scene that I hope will thrill, or at least please you all when you read it next spring. When...
  Out of the corner of my eye, I see movement. About six inches from my right shoulder. It's an enormous spider, descending on his web. Onto me. That sucker was four inches across. At least.
  I leap to my feet, screaming, arms flailing, dancing like I haven't since the 70s. I turn on every light in the living room. Get my super halogen flashlight and go spider hunting.
  Half an hour later — Nothing.
  With great fear and trembling, I finally steel myself to sit back down in my chair, pick up my laptop from the floor and begin to somehow try to write again.
  I look at my last sentence, and it is, I swear....

  "You might get the job done, darlin’, but you’d be all bloody and bruised and crippled up somethin’ fierce. It wouldn’t be worth it, I guarantee youeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee