"THIS IS NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR ME!" David's observation
- Mooj and Jay's fight. Insanely racist, but insanely funny:Jay: You are fuckin' with the wrong nigga!Mooj: Well you're fuckin' with the wrong sand-nigga!Jay: I will hang yo' old ass by yo' turban!Mooj: Oh turban, now? Do you see any fucking turban here?! Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say "Would you like a slurpee?" Would you like a slurpee? Well, FUCK YOU!
- Even funnier is that a split second later, they've resolved it and act like nothing's happened.
- Cal tells Andy that he spent the weekend in Tijuana watching a woman fuck a horse. He didn't enjoy it.
- After failing to convince his friends that he's not a virgin during their poker game, it cuts to him hilariously admonishing his terrible lying while angrily riding his bicycle home, where it cuts to him just screaming at the top of his lungs walking through the apartment.
- Mooj reassures Andy that there's more to life than getting laid. He then loses track of what he's trying to say and starts listing a series of sex acts that make Andy increasingly uncomfortable. Bit of trivia: All of the sex acts Mooj listed are coprophilic.
- Trish and Marla's argument. Especially the strangled, disbelieving noise Marla makes when Trish says, "You weren't the mistake, your sister was the mistake!"
- Marla's boyfriend's response after seeing all the condoms on the bed. (None of which were used for actual sex.)
Boyfriend: Dude... teach me! - "Why don't you...kiss something?!"
- During the montage where Andy's friends try to loosen him up with drinking, weed, etc, they find themselves peeing on the side of a building, but Andy can't do it.Andy: I'm not used to peeing in public!
David: Just do it!
Andy: I'm very self conscious!
David: Do it, it's fine! Come on!
Andy: I'M SHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! - The waxing scene. Just the entire thing. The best part? It was all improvised, and Steve Carell's actual chest was getting waxed.Andy: NIPPLE FUUUUCK!! OH MIKA, YOU SHOULD BURN IN HELL!!
- Jay watching Dawn of the Dead on all the TV screens behind Andy and getting caught up in it.
- Trish gets a call from Andy, thinks he is a telemarketer and responds with a serious Cluster F-Bomb."Nice talking to you. Fuck your mother."
- "Andy, for the last time, I don't want your giant box of pornography!"
- "Here it is! Boner Jams '03. It's a mixtape of all my favorite boner scenes in the summer of 2003."
- Amongst the giant box of porn is a VHS labeled EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND. Turns out David just likes Everybody Loves Raymond and tapes it sometimes. Andy ends up watching it when he abandons watching porn altogether.
- "Okay, I'll stop flicking your balls, but I'll start punching your nuts!"
- "Do you mind? I'm having a smoke." "SMOKE MY POLE!"
- Andy's argument with Jay's girlfriend. "You should... keep your ho on a leash."
- "Let's get some fucking French toast!"
- The entire "You know how I know you're gay?" scene is hilarious in the most juvenile way possible.
- Jay's whole pep talk to Andy about "slaying 20-30 of them hoodrats".
- The whole argument between Jay and Mooj over handling a customer.
- Plus he provides his own entry into "You know how I know you're gay?" Somehow his accent makes it even funnier.
- When Andy crashed through the billboard.Andy: There were two sides to that billboard... And they both hurt equally.
- Jay shows the entire store his girlfriend's ultrasound and points out a random part as the baby's dick. Mooj downplays the excitement by saying that flatscreens make everybody's dicks look big. Including his sister's.
- "Go fuck a goat!"
- "Why are you always tellin' me to fuck a goat, man?!"
- After finally getting laid at the end, Andy spontaneously starting to sing "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In".
- When Trish thinks Andy is a weird pervert:Trish: What is this, your date drug, your roofie?Andy: It's a Mentos. They're the freshmaker.
- Andy's boss hitting on him with all the subtlety of a rhinoceros with a sledgehammer in a china shop during an earthquake.Paula: Are you familiar with the term 'fuck buddy'`?
Paula: I'm very discreet, but I'll haunt your dreams. - The people in the sex support group Andy and Marla go to, including a father asking how to stop his teenaged daughter's menstrual cycle due to his daughter being — for lack of a better word — "dumb".
- As well as David Koechner's character:
Dad: I caught my son doing things with a girl in our marital bed. Things my wife wouldn't do.Counsellor: What was your question?Dad: How do I get my wife to do that?LaterSon: I prefer vaginal intercourse.Dad: He really does. - And the kid named Seth who mistakenly views himself as a stud in spite of his weedy frame and ginger jewfro.Seth: Do you have any extra large condoms?Seth's Dad: Seth, you have a tiny penis.
- Cal gets so sick of David's wangsting he hires an unqualified bimbo to work in the warehouse in the hopes she'll distract David. When that fails, Cal just starts smacking David in the nuts."I hired a ninety pound girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay?? I should've hired a three hundred pound guy who can lift the sixty-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can barely lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk!"
- The entire Speed Dating sequence.
- Jay is pretending to be a super selfless doctor and hamming it up with each woman. David bumps into his ex, causing problems and a small scene, causing more problems when she rotates to Cal's table, and Andy is just a nervous wreck barely managing to get through the whole affair without snapping.
- The scenes with Andy's women are all amazing. One is a Butch Lesbian biker named Gina (pronounced Jy-na) who's looking to try "getting back on the pogo stick" and suggests putting Andy in a dress to make things easier for her. Another is a very short-tempered woman who gets set off by Andy's awkwardness (exacerbated by him following the terrible conversation advice from his friends). Most hilarious is when he meets a very sweet and very well-endowed woman who's all too happy to talk about her home town, completely oblivious to how one of her boobs has slipped out of her dress, while Andy tries to subtly tell her to cover up while still maintaining perfect eye contact.
- At the of the speed date, Cal can be heard gushing about the hottest woman he met: Gina.
