Funny / Still Standing

• Brian ends up in the principal’s office after some bad advice from Bill on how to impress a girl. After the principal starts bad-mouthing Bill, Judy immediately starts to defend him. Sort of.
  Judy: He is not a bad father. He is just a stupid, stupid man doing the best job he can.
• Bill and Judy start trying to one-up each other on who enjoyed their sex more.
  Bill: I enjoyed it too. You were great.
  Judy: You were better.
  Bill: That is a lie and you know it!
• While at a high school reunion breakfast, Judy wants details from Linda after Linda went home the night before with an old boyfriend.
  Linda: A lady doesn’t kiss and tell.
  Judy: Honey, a lady doesn’t wear last night’s cocktail dress to a pancake breakfast.
• Brian finally gets up the nerve to ask out Sarah, Lauren's tutor. She accepts. After she leaves the house, Brian goes into full-on celebration mode, spinning his baton and singing "She said yes, she said yes, she said yes!" As these moments normally go, Sarah, having forgotten her purse, walks back in, catches Brian's antics, and changes her mind.
• "You lied about a woman’s husband having an affair just so you could have pancakes."
• Bill tries to get back on Judy’s good side after making her mad during a game the night before.
  Bill: (Opening his robe) I’d like you to meet a little friend of mine.
  Judy: … Who?
• One episode featured the parents plotting to steal The Who tickets, and a flashback showed them plotting... while Tina walks in, picks up a knife, and casually strolls out. Then her older sister walks in looking scared.
• "Daddy took me to a bar once." "And GRILLE!"
• Judy has just walked in on her parents having sex on the couch.
  Bill: That’s too bad; I liked that couch.
  Judy: Me too. I also liked the whole first floor of the house and my retinas. They’ve all gotta go!
  • Bill asks whether Judy’s sure her parents even saw her.
    Judy: Oh, they saw me. They saw me, and they freaked out, and they jumped up and - oh, Bill I don’t ever wanna get old!
  • Linda comes over the next morning to make breakfast and starts obliviously making a parade of innuendos. However, it soon becomes clear to Linda that something is being hidden from her and she starts ranting about always being left out. Judy finally snaps at Linda about what happened and suddenly, Linda can’t leave fast enough.
• Lauren brings home a note about a mandatory PTA meeting and Bill and Judy start arguing about who has to attend.
  Bill: You’re her mother!
  Judy: You’re her father!
  Bill: Prove it.
• Bill reaches under his injured, loopy-from-medication, co-worker, Jeff’s, blanket to get into Jeff’s pocket. Both men immediately realize that Jeff doesn’t have pants on.
  • Jeff says that he’ll look through his wallet himself. But first, he needs Bill to take off his (imaginary) mittens. Bill mimes removing the mittens and momentarily starts seriously looking around for a place to put them down, until he realizes he’s actually holding nothing.
• In "Still Going First," Judy learns that she has extremely high cholesterol, which makes her think about her own mortality. She writes a beautiful, heartfelt letter to Bill explaining everything he would need to know in the event of her dying before he does. Judy then pressures Bill into writing a similar letter to her, and, well...
  Judy: Dear Judy: Snow shovel’s behind the garage. XO, Dead Bill. P.S.: Boo.
  Bill: No, no, you have to read it in a scary voice, like this: "Booooooooo!"
  • Judy is upset that Bill put no effort into his letter when she spent all afternoon on hers and tells Bill that she even wept while writing it.
    Bill: Oh, weeping! Ok, I got it, let me take another crack at this! (Picks up his letter to start writing).
    Judy: (Barely contained rage) If you put ‘hoo’ after the ‘boo’… I’m gonna find a new place to put the shovel.
    Bill: … Then I’m going to need more time.
• Judy tries to lecture the kids about underage drinking:
  Judy: You kids shouldn't be drinking alcohol. It's dangerous, and makes you do all kinds of stupid things.
  Bill (laughing): Hey, Judy, remember the time I got so drunk in senior year that I climbed to the roof of the school and—
  (Judy glares at him)
  Bill: Uh...fell to my death?
• Lauren starts griping after Judy stops her from going to the school dance as a punishment.
  Lauren: This house is like a prison.
  Judy: Tell me about it. I’ve been in this joint for fifteen years and I still don’t know what I did wrong…
• When Bill used a Fingerpoke Of Doom to knock Brian (who was wearing a suit of armor) to the ground then walking away and leaving him, only for Brian to squirm and panic trying to stand back up. Then Bill comes back with a beer and watches his son try to get back up, not even attempting to help. Then as Brian is almost up, Bill kicks him back down.
  Brian: Damn you!
• After Bill catches a boy in Lauren's room (who's actually tutoring her in algebra) Lauren asks Bill if he can get the door on his way out. Gilligan Cut to Bill carrying her bedroom door down the stairs.
• In "Still Bad," the Millers discover that Judy's potential new boss has a massive collection of sci-fi memorabilia when they go to his home for dinner. In The Stinger for the episode, Bill asks if there is any more of the delicious pot roast they ate; upon hearing "No," he sneaks into the memorabilia room, puts on a time-travel helmet prop, and turns it on, hoping that it will somehow work. The best part is Judy coming in and telling him that it's now dinnertime, much to his excitement—until she gives him a Dope Slap and screams "There's no such THING as time travel, you jackass!"
• When the mother of Lauren’s new boyfriend, Matthew, calls the Miller house and Judy picks up, Lauren starts freaking out by breathing heavily, flapping her arms, and following Judy around.
  Judy: (To Matthew’s mother) Could you hold on a minute? Lauren’s trying to fly.