Funny / So I Married an Axe Murderer

• The Alcatraz tour, full stop.
• Steven Wright as the pilot. "That's the artificial horizon...which is better than the actual horizon."
• "Hey, somebody needs a hug!"
• "...I'm naked, aren't I?"
• "This poem... sucks."
• "Let's get pissed!"
• "We have a piper down! S'alright, he's just pissed!"
• "That boy's heed is like an orange on a toothpick!"
  • "He probably cries himself to sleep each night on his huge pillow."
  • Even though the kid's name (Willy) is spoken in the film, he's still listed as "Heed" in the credits.
• Practically anything Stuart says or does can easily qualify, really. Here's another wee sampling, after he's questioned about who's in the "Pentavirate" he believes controls the world:
  Stuart: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders, before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with his wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. *whiny voice* "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ooohh!"
  Charlie: Dad... how can you hate "The Colonel"?
  Stuart: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ye crave it fortnightly, SMMMMARTARSE!
  • On a meta note, Anthony LaPaglia visibly unable to control a laughing fit during the scene, to the point he can barely squeak out his line.
• (About haggis) "I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."