Funny / So I Married an Axe Murderer

  • The Alcatraz tour, full stop.
  • "Let's get pissed!"
  • "We have a piper down!"
  • "That boy's heed is like an orange on a toothpick!"
  • Practically anything Stuart says or does can easily qualify, really. Here's another wee sampling, after he's questioned about who's in the "Pentavirate" he believes controls the world:
    Stuart: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders, before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with his wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. *whiny voice* "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ooohh!"
    Charlie: Dad... how can you hate "The Colonel"?
    Stuart: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ye crave it fortnightly, SMARTARSE!
  • (about haggis) "I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."
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