Funny / Soap Dish

  • Many exchanges between David and Montana.
    • This one:
      David: Why aren't we having sex yet?
      Montana: You know the rules. Get rid of her, Mr. Fuzzy is yours.note 
    • This exchange:
      Montana: YOU - promised me you would get rid of Celeste. WE WERE BOTH NAKED AND YOU PROMISED! NAKED!
      David: Hey! We were never naked.
      Montana: Well, we could have been!
    • Another exchange:
      David: Find Jeffrey Anderson... (beat) Can I touch your breasts?
      Montana: FIND HIM!
  • The scene of Jeffrey's disastrous Dinner Theatre performance of Death of a Salesman. It's a wonder he's even able to get through the play each night.
    [exterior shot of the dinner theatre marquee, which now reads "JEFF Y NDERSON IS WILLY LOMAN IN DEATH OF A SALESMAN"; inside, Jeffrey and two younger actors playing Biff and Happy Loman are performing the play's first flashback scene]
    Actor Playing Biff: Where'd you go this time, Pop?
    Jeffrey: [as Willy] Well, I went on the road and went north to Providence. Met the mayor!
    Actor Playing Biff: The mayor of Providence?
    Hard of Hearing Man: [loudly, to his wife] What'd he say?
    Hard of Hearing Man's Wife: The mayor.
    Hard of Hearing Man: Who?
    Hard of Hearing Man's Wife: The mayor of Providence!
    Hard of Hearing Man: WHO?
    Actor Playing Biff: [raising his voice] You said the mayor of Providence, Pop?
    Jeffrey: [yelling] YEAH! THE MAYOR OF PROVIDENCE! [walks to the front of the stage and yells toward the hard of hearing man] RHODE ISLAND!
    Female Patron: [accidentally upends her cup of coffee] Oh! [loudly] Waiter! Waiter! [she begins clinking her fork against her glass as David watches the play thoughtfully]
    Jeffrey: He was sitting in the hotel lobby!
    Female Patron: Waiter! Waiter! [she continues clanking her fork against her glass as the waiters ignore her]
    Actor Playing Biff: What'd he say?
    Jeffrey: [marches toward the female patron's table while trying not to break character] He said, "Morning!" I said, "You got a fine city here, mayor!" [he wipes up the spilled coffee] And then-
    Female Patron: You're doing so well up there!
    Jeffrey: [clearly not encouraged by the compliment] And then, I had a cup of coffee with him- [two busboys bump into each other, dropping their trays with a loud crash; they begin arguing] I WENT TO BOSTON! [puts his arms around the actors playing Biff and Happy, who look almost as put upon as Jeffrey] FINE CITY, BOSTON! GOT A COUPLE OF OTHER TOWNS IN MASS, PORTLAND, BANGOR, AND STRAIGHT HOOOME!! [by this point, he almost has Biff and Happy in a headlock]
    Hard of Hearing Man: What is he yelling?
  • Celeste accuses Jeffrey of being an egomaniac because he thinks she's jealous of Lori dating him.
    Jeffrey: (practically giggling) Of course I'm an egomaniac! I have America's Sweetheart CLIMBING UP MY DRAINPIPE!
  • Jeffrey and Celeste's kissing scene which he can't get right until she kicks him in the nuts. The joke is that while she's getting more and more turned on, he's acting like he feels nothing for her.
  • Rose asking, "Why can't I write shit like this?" when Celeste has her big breakdown and confesses her dark secret to Jeffrey and Lori.
  • The Live Episode quickly derails because Jeffrey refuses to wear his glasses on camera. The fact that he is standing directly under a tasselled lantern and has to keep pushing the tassels off his forehead is icing on the cake.
    Jeffrey: (preparing for his entrance) Here, hold those, I can't wear them. (hands his glasses to Tawny)
    Tawny: (tries to hand them back) I think you need them...
    Jeffrey: (loud whisper) NO! They're ugly!
    Tawny: But your eyes-
    Technician: You're on! (hands Jeffrey an envelope) Go! Go, go! (Jeffrey leaves)
    Tawny: (tries on Jeffrey's glasses and blinks incredulously) Oh my god, this guy's blind as a bat!...
    (on set, Jeffrey makes his entrance)
    Celeste: (as Maggie, reading teleprompter) Dr. Randall, what a surprise. Are you having lunch here?
    Jeffrey: (as Dr. Randall, reading teleprompter) I will if it's that sample. (Burton, the director, looks confused) Heh... (peers at teleprompter) I wish it was that simple.
    Edmund: (watching in his office) This guy never heard of contact lenses?
    Jeffrey: The test results have come back.
    Celeste: And?
    Jeffrey: And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. (reading teleprompter) It seems that... Angelique has a... rare case... of brake fluid. (squints) Bran fluid. Bran flavor.
    Burton: (whispers) Brain fever.
    David: (watching in Edmund's office) Brain fever.
    Edmund: SAY IT!
    Celeste: (hisses) Brain fever!
    Jeffrey: (nods) Brain fever. Or, what we call in Austria... (he stares at the teleprompter in disbelief; Celeste looks at the teleprompter and gets a similar look on her face) ...kopfgeschlagen. (looks quietly pleased with himself) At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the-
    Celeste: "Literally explode".
    Jeffrey: Exactly, within the next three houses-
    Celeste: "Hours".
    Jeffrey: Yes, will literally explode within the next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.
    Celeste: "The restaurant".
    Jeffrey: Restaurant, yes.
    Celeste: Her brain will actually explode?
    Jeffrey: Yes, I've, uh... (looks over his fingers at teleprompter) I've seen it happen. It's a dreadful... it's a dreadful, dreadful thug... thing.
  • The climax of the plot.
    Edmund: (watching in his office as the Live Episode slides into hasty improvisation) There's a nurse at the restaurant... did I miss a meeting!?
  • Montana's hasty justification for her insistence on a brain transplant for Maggie/Celeste: "I also took an oath. The Nurse's Oath!"

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