Funny / Soap Dish

  • Many exchanges between David and Montana.
    • This one:
      David: Why aren't we having sex yet?
      Montana: You know the rules. Get rid of her, Mr. Fuzzy is yours.note 
    • This exchange:
      Montana: YOU - promised me you would get rid of Celeste. WE WERE BOTH NAKED AND YOU PROMISED! NAKED!
      David: Hey! We were never naked.
      Montana: Well, we could have been!
    • Another exchange:
      David: Find Jeffrey Anderson... (beat) Can I touch your breasts?
      Montana: FIND HIM!
  • Celeste accuses Jeffrey of being an egomaniac because he thinks she's jealous of Lori dating him.
    Jeffrey: (practically giggling) Of course I'm an egomaniac! I have America's Sweetheart CLIMBING UP MY DRAINPIPE!
  • Rose asking, "Why can't I write shit like this?" when Celeste has her big breakdown and confesses her dark secret to Jeffrey and Lori.
  • The Live Episode quickly derails because Jeffrey refuses to wear his glasses on camera. The fact that he is standing directly under a tasselled lantern and has to keep pushing the tassels off his forehead is icing on the cake.
    Jeffrey: (preparing for his entrance) Here, hold those, I can't wear them. (hands his glasses to Tawny)
    Tawny: (tries to hand them back) I think you need them...
    Jeffrey: (loud whisper) NO! They're ugly!
    Tawny: But your eyes-
    Technician: You're on! (hands Jeffrey an envelope) Go! Go, go! (Jeffrey leaves)
    Tawny: (tries on Jeffrey's glasses and blinks incredulously) Oh my god, this guy's blind as a bat!...
    (on set, Jeffrey makes his entrance)
    Celeste: (as Maggie, reading teleprompter) Dr. Randall, what a surprise. Are you having lunch here?
    Jeffrey: (as Dr. Randall, reading teleprompter) I will if it's that sample. (Burton, the director, looks confused) Heh... (peers at teleprompter) I wish it was that simple.
    Edmund: (watching in his office) This guy never heard of contact lenses?
    Jeffrey: The test results have come back.
    Celeste: And?
    Jeffrey: And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. (reading teleprompter) It seems that... Angelique has a... rare case... of brake fluid. (squints) Bran fluid. Bran flavor.
    Burton: (whispers) Brain fever.
    David: (watching in Edmund's office) Brain fever.
    Edmund: SAY IT!
    Celeste: (hisses) Brain fever!
    Jeffrey: (nods) Brain fever. Or, what we call in Austria... (he stares at the teleprompter in disbelief; Celeste looks at the teleprompter and gets a similar look on her face) ...kopfgeschlagen. (looks quietly pleased with himself) At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the-
    Celeste: "Literally explode".
    Jeffrey: Exactly, within the next three houses-
    Celeste: "Hours".
    Jeffrey: Yes, will literally explode within the next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.
    Celeste: "The restaurant".
    Jeffrey: Restaurant, yes.
    Celeste: Her brain will actually explode?
    Jeffrey: Yes, I've, uh... (looks over his fingers at teleprompter) I've seen it happen. It's a dreadful... it's a dreadful, dreadful thug... thing.
  • Jeffrey and Celeste's kissing scene which he can't get right until she kicks him in the nuts.
  • The climax of the plot.
    Edmund: (watching the Live Episode slide into hasty improvisation in his office) There's a nurse at the restaurant... did I miss a meeting!?
  • Montana's hasty justification for her insistence on a brain transplant for Maggie/Celeste: "I also took an oath. The Nurse's Oath!"