Funny: Rome

  • Pullo and Vorenus are marching back from Gaul, about to return to Rome.
    Pullo: Here I come, girls! I'm gonna drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke, and fuck every whore in the city!
    Vorenus: Show some dignity! You're under the standard!
    Pullo: Me? What about him?
    (He looks over, and sees their commander Mark Antony having rough sex with a shepherd woman fifty feet away against a tree)
    Vorenus: He's not, uh... under the standard.
  • Mark Antony's rather strong pronouncement that he wants to stay in bed...
    I'm not rising from this bed until I fuck someone.
    • Mirrored by Atia's "fine fine" answer:
    Fine, fine. Merula, fetch that German slut from the kitchen.
  • Pullo and Vorenus find that Pompey's troops have stopped defending the city.
    Vorenus: This can only mean that the Republic has fallen!
    Pullo: And yet, the sky is still above us and the earth still below. Strange.
    Vorenus: If Mars were watching, he would never allow such dishonor.
    Pullo: Maybe he was having a crap and missed it.
  • Pullo giving Vorenus romantic advice.
    Pullo: She's got this little spot right above her cunny, like a little button. Now, attend to that button, and she will open up like a flower.
    Vorenus (horrified and pissed off): How do you know this of her?!
    Pullo: (Stunned beat) All women have them! Ask anyone!
  • Atia and Octavia arguing over who will kill who when their house was under siege by Pompeii's men in episode 3.
    Atia (to her slave): ...and then you must kill Octavia if I am taken alive. Then - you must kill yourself. Your survival would be inappropriate.
    Octavia: I don't want you to kill me.
    Atia: Why? Are you still at mad at me?
  • When Vorenus orders Pullo to return the Roman treasury to Caesar, Pullo, established from his first scene as reckless, brave, undisciplined and impulse driven, so of course he starts bitching again.
    Pullo: Here's me, come to give you a gift and-
    Vorenus: An order!
    Pullo: (Stands to attention, terrified)
  • Dark example, when Octavius (age about 14) takes over Pullo's interrogation and torture of Evander.
    Octavian (businesslike): Cut off his thumbs.
    Pullo (half admiring, half appalled): Juno's cunt, but you're salty! And I was worried about bringing you here!
  • In the first episode, Vorenus orders the crucified prisoners to be taken down after one of them talks immediately. In a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment, a soldier rolls his eyes as if to say, But we just put them up!
  • Atia's gift of a well-endowed slave to Servilia.
    "A large penis is always welcome".
  • The darkly hilarious coda to "Egeria", where the legionaries are shivering on the deck of a galley as it battles through a raging storm.
    Titus Pullo: This is cack, this is! I'm wet through!
    Lucius Vorenus: We're perfectly safe — a very good offering was made to Triton! [son of Neptune, god of the Sea]
    Pullo: If Triton can't keep me drier than this, he can suck my cock!
    (ship starts to capsize)
    Vorenus: Why can't you learn to keep your fat mouth shut?!
  • Pullo goes to a high class brothel to find a girl for Octavian and is outraged by their prices. But while he and the madam are waiting for Octavian to finish his business, Pullo starts to hesitantly suggest that "as long as he's with the quality" (meaning the upper class):
    Madam: (without looking up from her ledger) Not a chance!
    Atia: Octavian! Have you penetrated anyone yet?
  • After Servilia's suicide:
    Mark Antony: Now that is an exit.
  • Mark Antony being appointed to run Rome while Caesar is off campaigning:
    Antony: I shall be a good politician. Even if it kills me. Or if it kills anyone else, for that matter.
  • Agrippa taking Octavia home.
    Octavia: I was at an orgy, mother.
    Agrippa: Early stages of an orgy. The Bacchcic rituals had not yet begun.
  • An irritated Octavia mocking the way her own mother moans during sex. Antony (the one who induced the sounds) can't help but praise the reenactment: "She has you exactly."
  • During the Battle of Philippi, Octavian is peering into the dust kicked up by two virtually identical Roman armies slogging it out hand-to-hand.
    Octavian: What's going on?
    Antony: (casually munching on some bread) Noooo idea.
  • The gladiator trying to convince Pullo to put up a fight.
    "That's not how it works. You're supposed to resist. Look just hold your sword, you don't have to run about or anything."
  • Julius Caesar displays baby Caesarean to his troops. Pullo (the actual father) immediately roars his approval, falters momentarily under a Death Glare from Vorenus, then can be heard shouting over the voices of Caesar's entire army.
  • Atia and Octavia are kept waiting outside Cleopatra's palace in the heat in formal Roman dress, unaware that Marc Antony and Cleopatra are arguing over whether or not to kill them. They're relieved when the doors finally open, only for Jocasta to emerge in Egyptian dress and start cheerfully gossiping to her old friend Octavia who just gapes in astonishment. Then an embarrassed Posca runs out and physically hauls Jocasta back inside.
    Atia: They've all gone insane, obviously!
  • Pullo's first meeting with Cleopatra pretty much shows exactly what he's about. He bursts into her tent, saving her and her slave from an assassin, and then keeps stabbing the guy about twenty times while looking around the room and slowly realizing that: a) the guy is very dead and b) here be womenfolk
    His stabs slooowly peter off as he looks around and then he grins up at Cleo-fricking-patra
    Pullo: Hello, ladies.
  • While escorting Cleopatra and her entourage to Alexandria
    Pullo: That Gyppo princess. Now, there's some good cunny.
    Vorenus: Pullo, look at me. She's royalty. It's death to touch her.
    Pullo: I'm not stupid. I'm just sayin' she wants me.
  • After Cleopatra fails to seduce the (tempted but incorruptible) Vorenus, he returns to his campfire.
    Vorenus: "Report to Princess Cleopatra and do whatever she tells you to."
    * One extremely vigorous and noisy sex scene later...*
    Pullo: Gods, that was something, let me tell you.
    Vorenus: I don't want to hear about it. If you're wise, you'll never speak of this again.
    Pullo: Why? I was only obeying orders. Bloody good orders, too.
  • Agrippa declaring his devotion to Octavia.
    Agrippa: I would follow you to Hades, to Britain even, if I thought we had the right.