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Funny: Rome
  • Pullo and Vorenus are marching back from Gaul, about to return to Rome.
    Pullo: Here I come, girls! I'm gonna drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke, and fuck every whore in the city!
    Vorenus: Show some dignity! You're under the standard!
    Pullo: Me? What about him?
    (He looks over, and sees their commander Mark Antony having rough sex with a shepherd woman fifty feet away against a tree)
    Vorenus: He's not, uh... under the standard.
  • Mark Antony's rather strong pronouncement that he wants to stay in bed...
    I'm not rising out of bed until I fuck someone.
    • Mirrored by Atia's "fine fine" answer:
    Fine, fine. Merula, fetch that German slut from the kitchen.
  • Pullo and Vorenus find that Pompey's troops have stopped defending the city.
    Vorenus: This can only mean that the Republic has fallen!
    Pullo: And yet, the sky is still above us and the earth still below. Strange.
    Vorenus: If Mars were watching, he would never allow such dishonor.
    Pullo: Maybe he was having a crap and missed it.
  • Pullo giving Vorenus romantic advice.
    Pullo: She's got this little spot right above her cunny, like a little bump. Now, attend to that little spot, and she'll open up to you like a flower.
    Vorenus (horrified): How do you know this of her?!
    Pullo: (Stunned beat) All women have them! Ask anyone!
  • Atia and Octavia arguing over who will kill who when their house was under siege by Pompeii's men in episode 3.
    Atia - (to her slave) ...and then you must kill Octavia if I am taken alive. Them you must kill yourself. Your survival would be inappropriate.
    Octavia - I don't want you to kill me.
    Atia - Why, are you still at mad at me?
  • When Vorenus orders Pullo to return the Roman treasury to Caesar, Pullo, established from his first scene as reckless, brave, undisciplined and impulse driven, so of course he starts bitching again. Then:
    Vorenus: An order!
    Pullo: (Stands to attention, terified)
  • Dark example, when Octavius (who is around 14 years old) is heartily egging Pullo on to torture Evander. As Pullo puts it: "Juno's cunt, but you're salty! And I was worried about bringing you here!"
  • In the first episode, Vorenus orders the crucified prisoners to be taken down after one of them talks immediately. A soldier rolls his eyes as if to say, But we just put them up!
  • Atia's gift of a well-endowed slave to Servilia.
    "A large penis is always welcome".
  • The darkly hilarious coda to "Egeria", where the legionaries are shivering on the deck of a galley as it battles through a raging storm.
    Titus Pullo: This is cack, this is! I'm wet through!
    Lucius Vorenus: We're perfectly safe — a very good offering was made to Triton! [son of Neptune, god of the Sea]
    Pullo: If Triton can't keep me drier than this, he can suck my cock!
    (ship starts to capsize)
    Vorenus: Why can't you learn to keep your fat mouth shut?!
  • Pullo goes to a high class brothel to find a girl for Octavian and is outraged by their prices. But while he and the madam are waiting for Octavian to finish his business, Pullo starts to hesitantly suggest that "as long as he's with the quality" (meaning the upper class):
    Madam: (without looking up from her ledger) Not a chance!
    Also:
    Atia: Octavian! Have you penetrated anyone yet?
  • After Servilia's suicide:
    Mark Antony: Now that is an exit.
  • Mark Antony being appointed to run Rome while Caesar is off campaigning:
    Antony: I shall be a good politician. Even if it kills me. Or if it kills anyone else, for that matter.
  • Agrippa taking Octavia home.
    Octavia: I was at an orgy, mother.
    Agrippa: Early stages of an orgy.
  • An irritated Octavia mocking the way her own mother moans during sex. Antony (the one who induced the sounds) can't help but praise the reenactment: "She has you exactly."
  • During the Battle of Philippi, Octavian is peering into the dust kicked up by two virtually identical Roman armies slogging it out hand-to-hand.
    Octavian: What's going on?
    Antony: (casually munching on some bread) Noooo idea.
  • The gladiator trying to convince Pullo to put up a fight.
    "That's not how it works. You're supposed to resist. Look just hold your sword, you don't have to run about or anything."
  • Julius Caesar displays baby Caesarean to his troops. Pullo (the actual father) immediately roars his approval, falters momentarily under a Death Glare from Vorenus, then can be heard shouting over the voices of Caesar's entire army.
  • Atia and Octavia are kept waiting outside Cleopatra's palace in the heat in formal Roman dress, unaware that Marc Antony and Cleopatra are arguing over whether or not to kill them. They're relieved when the doors finally open, only for Jocasta to emerge in Egyptian dress and start cheerfully gossiping to her old friend Octavia who just gapes in astonishment. Then an embarrassed Posca runs out and physically hauls Jocasta back inside.
    Atia: They're all gone insane, obviously!
  • After Cleopatra fails to seduce the (tempted but incorruptible) Vorenus, he returns to his campfire.
    Vorenus: "Report to Princess Cleopatra and do whatever she tells you to."
    * One extremely vigorous and noisy sex scene later...*
    Pullo: Gods, that was something, let me tell you.
    Vorenus: I don't want to hear about it. If you're wise, you'll never speak of this again.
    Pullo: Why? I was only obeying orders. Bloody good orders, too.

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