Funny: Rome

Season I

  • Pullo and Vorenus are marching back from Gaul, about to return to Rome.
    Pullo: Here I come, girls! I'm gonna drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke, and fuck every whore in the city!
    Vorenus: Show some dignity! You're under the standard!
    Pullo: Me? What about him?
    (He looks over, and sees their commander Mark Antony having rough sex with a shepherd woman fifty feet away against a tree)
    Vorenus: He's not, uh... under the standard.
  • Pompey has one of his best moments by spoofing Cicero's Animal Motifs.
    Cicero: When confronted by a hungry wolf, it is unwise to goad the beast, as Cato would have us do. But it is equally unwise to imagine the snarling animal a friend and offer your hand as Pompey does.
    Pompey: Perhaps you would have us climb a tree! (the whole Senate laughs)
  • Pullo and Vorenus find that Pompey's troops have stopped defending the city.
    Vorenus: It makes no sense. We should have been stopped by now. Why is Rome not defended?
    Pullo: Our boys scared 'em off, eh?
    Vorenus: Soldiers of the Republic do not run! So it must be a stratagem. A trick.
    Pullo: It's a good trick.
    Vorenus: Unless the Gods have abandoned Rome. If Mars were watching, he would not allow such a disgrace!
    Pullo: Maybe he was havin' a crap and missed it.
  • Pullo giving Vorenus romantic advice.
    Pullo: She's got this little spot right above her cunny, like a little button. Now, attend to that button, and she will open up like a flower.
    Vorenus (horrified and pissed off): How do you know this of her?!
    Pullo: (Stunned beat) All women have them! Ask anyone!
  • Atia and Octavia arguing over who will kill who when their house was under siege by Pompey's men in episode 3.
    Atia (to her slave): ...and then you must kill Octavia if I am taken alive. Then - you must kill yourself. Your survival would be inappropriate.
    Octavia: I don't want you to kill me.
    Atia: Why? Are you still at mad at me?
  • When Vorenus orders Pullo to return the Roman treasury to Caesar, Pullo, established from his first scene as reckless, brave, undisciplined and impulse driven, so of course he starts bitching again.
    Pullo: Here's me, come to give you a gift and-
    Vorenus: An order!
    Pullo: (Stands to attention, terrified)
  • Dark example, when Octavius (age about 14) takes over Pullo's interrogation and torture of Evander.
    Octavian: We need to hear the truth. If you persist in lying to us, we'll torture you. You'll die only after many hours of agony and horror. You give us honesty now, and you'll go swiftly, painlessly. (Evander won't confess) Torture him.
    Pullo (half admiring, half appalled): Juno's cunt, but you're salty! And I was worried about bringing you!
    Octavian: Go on, then.
    Pullo (Hesitating): I've never actually tortured anyone. I don't know how.
    Octavian: You don't know how?
    Pullo: Theynote  have specialists!
    Octavian businesslike: Why not cut off his thumbs?
    Pullo: That's good enough.
  • In the first episode, Vorenus orders the crucified prisoners to be taken down after one of them talks immediately. In a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment, a soldier rolls his eyes as if to say, But we just put them up!
  • Atia's gift of a well-endowed slave to Servilia.
    "A large penis is always welcome".
  • The darkly hilarious coda to "Egeria", where the legionaries are shivering on the deck of a galley as it battles through a raging storm.
    Titus Pullo: This is cack, this is! I'm wet through!
    Lucius Vorenus: We're perfectly safe — a very good offering was made to Triton! [son of Neptune, god of the Sea]
    Pullo: If Triton can't keep me drier than this, he can suck my cock!
    (ship starts to capsize)
    Vorenus: Why can't you learn to keep your fat mouth shut?!
  • Atia arranges Pullo will be taking Octavian to a high class brothel to find a girl.
    Atia: Octavian! Have you penetrated anyone yet?
    • At first, Pullo is shooed away because it's not "an infantry fuckhole", and then he is outraged by their prices, "1000"
      Pullo: Gerrae! I could have half the whores in Narbo for that, and their mothers.
      Madam: We're not in Narbo, whatever that might be.
      Pullo: All right, my dove. We'll pay. But the girl better fuck him like Helen of Troy with her ass on fire, or I'll know the reason why.
    • While he and the madam are waiting for Octavian to finish his business, Pullo hesitantly begins to ponder, "I don't suppose, seeing as I'm with the quality..." (meaning the upper class)
      Madam: (without looking up from her ledger) Not a chance!
  • Mark Antony being appointed to run Rome while Caesar is off campaigning:
    Antony: I shall be a good politician. Even if it kills me. Or if it kills anyone else, for that matter.
  • An irritated Octavia mocking the way her own mother moans during sex. Antony (the one who induced the sounds) can't help but praise the reenactment: "She has you exact."
  • Antony takes an assistant... a dwarf dressed in black and called Cato in mockery.
  • The gladiator trying to convince Pullo to put up a fight.
    "That's not how it works. You're supposed to resist. Look just hold your sword, you don't have to run about or anything."
  • Julius Caesar displays baby Caesarean to his troops. Pullo (the actual father) immediately roars his approval, falters momentarily under a Death Glare from Vorenus, then can be heard shouting over the voices of Caesar's entire army.
  • Pullo's first meeting with Cleopatra pretty much shows exactly what he's about. He bursts into her tent, saving her and her slave from an assassin, and then keeps stabbing the guy about twenty times while looking around the room and slowly realizing that: a) the guy is very dead and b) here be womenfolk.
    His stabs slooowly peter off as he looks around and then he grins up at Cleo-fricking-patra
    Pullo: Hello, ladies.
  • While escorting Cleopatra and her entourage to Alexandria
    Pullo: That Gyppo princess. Now, there's some good cunny.
    Vorenus: Pullo, look at me. She's royalty. It's death to touch her.
    Pullo: I'm not stupid. I'm just sayin' she wants me.
  • After Cleopatra fails to seduce the (tempted but incorruptible) Vorenus, he returns to his campfire.
    Vorenus: "Report to Princess Cleopatra and do whatever she tells you to."
    * One extremely vigorous and noisy sex scene later...*
    Pullo: Gods, that was something, let me tell you.
    Vorenus: I don't want to hear about it. If you're wise, you'll never speak of this again.
    Pullo: Why? I was only obeying orders. Bloody good orders, too.
  • Antony is given a strict budget to recover Caesar's eagle. Half a talent. When he debriefs Vorenus on the mission, Antony steals half of it without a second thought, and meassures the weight of the money bag with his hand to make sure he's being rapacious enough.

Season II

  • Mark Antony really shines and enjoys himself when his hour comes:
    • His rather strong pronouncement that he wants to stay in bed...
      I'm not rising from this bed until I fuck someone.
    • Mirrored by Atia's "fine fine" answer:
      Fine, fine. Merula, fetch that German slut from the kitchen.
    • After his rabble rousing speech:
      Cassius: Our men at arms have secured the city. We've received representatives from all the best elements. The senate is with us, the knights are with us.
      Brutus: The pontiffs, the urban cohorts, the lictors guild...
      Antony: Oh, the lictors guild, very good. Only rally the bakers and the flute players and you can put on a festival

      Servilia: Do not look so pleased with yourself. You’re a liar and a breaker of oaths, and you’ve roused your rabble, nothing more. A pantomime actor might have done what you did today.
      Antony: Lucky then it was me that did it, eh? Else you would now be on your knees sucking pantomime cock.
    • After Servilia's suicide:
      Mark Antony: Now that is an exit.
  • Agrippa taking a drunk and high Octavia home only to be confronted by her mother as he's trying to get away.
    Octavia: I was at an orgy, mother.
    Agrippa: Early stages! Early stages of an orgy. The Bacchcic rituals had not yet begun.
  • Agrippa declaring his devotion to Octavia.
    Agrippa: I would follow you to Hades, to Britain even, if I thought we had the right.
  • Atia and Octavia are kept waiting outside Cleopatra's palace in the heat in formal Roman dress, unaware that Marc Antony and Cleopatra are arguing over whether or not to kill them. They're relieved when the doors finally open, only for Jocasta to emerge in Egyptian dress and start cheerfully gossiping to her old friend Octavia who just gapes in astonishment. Then an embarrassed Posca runs out and physically hauls Jocasta back inside.
    Atia: They've all gone insane, obviously!
  • During the Battle of Philippi, Octavian is peering into the dust kicked up by two virtually identical Roman armies slogging it out hand-to-hand.
    Octavian: What's going on?
    Antony: (casually munching on some bread) Noooo idea.