Funny / Police Squad!

• From "A Substantial Gift (The Broken Promise)"
  • Ed and Frank visit Ralph Twice's widow:
    Frank: We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.
    • We then get this
      Mrs. Twice: Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for 14 years?
      Frank: No, can't say that I do... I did live with a guy once... But that was just for a couple of years. The usual slurs, rumors, innuendo, people didn't understand. Ran him outta town like a common pygmy...
      Ed: Did he have any enemies?
      Mrs. Twice: (sobs) Well, the democrats didn't like him.
      Frank: ...Sure, he was a physical education major but he had a mind! He could think, wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs... He got married, you know, later. Had three kids. Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note...
      Ed: Now, I know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop suey?
      Mrs. Twice: (crying) No, no he never did.
      Ed: It was just a hunch.
      Frank: ...I told him she was wrong. And that youngest boy, just like his father. Football hero. Lived with him for a year. It wasn't the same... (wistfully) Can't go back.
    • And finally:
      Mrs. Twice: (crying) And what do I tell my daughter?!
      Ed: Yeah, you gonna have to tell her something... Tell her he went on a long trip.
      Frank: No, wait a minute. How about a big monster came and took him to Daddy Heaven?
      (Mrs. Twice starts crying again)
      Frank: Nah...
      Ed: How about this; he threw himself on a grenade to save the battalion? Yeah, that's it!
      Frank: No, no, wait a minute. He was killed by a left-wing insurgence from Paraguay!
      (Mrs. Twice cries even harder)
      Frank: No... Bolivia!
      Ed: I got it! He was traded to the Cubs for Reggie Jackson.
      (Mrs. Twice bawls her eyes out)
• From "Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood)"
  • A ballet teacher is beat up by the mob that controls the neighborhood. Her students think her poses when getting beat up are part of the class, and imitate them.
  • Ed appears to be using an intercom when he tells someone to have Nordberg drop what he's doing and report for a new assignment with Frank. It turns out he was pointing to a little person out of frame: "Yes, captain."
  • In order to stop the mob's extortion racket, Drebin and new Squad teammate Norberg are assigned to open up a keystore in the neighborhood. When they first show up, none of Drebin's keys can unlock the front door, so they just bust their way in.
    • Norberg's many attempts to work the key duplicating machine.
  • Stella turns up in Frank's office and flirts with him, asking her him to bring her key to her apartment in person:
    Frank: (voice over) It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment — she had neglected to give me her address...
  • Stella tries to off Frank, but he thwarts her. The phone rings and it's her man, Dutch, who asks if she killed Frank for him. Frank instructs her on what to say.
    Frank: "Everything is taken care of."
    Stella: Everything is taken care of.
    Dutch: That's my girl.
    Frank: "I'd sure like to see you."
    Stella: I'd sure like to see you.
    Dutch: Sure thing, baby. You still love me?
    Frank: "Of course I love you."
    Stella: Of course I love you.
    Dutch: You don't sound like you mean it, lambikins.
    Frank: "Of course I mean it, lambikins."
    Stella: Of course I mean it, lambikins.
    Dutch: Do you really, binky poo?
    Frank: "More than anything, schnooky lumps."
    Stella: More than anything, schnooky lumps.
    Dutch: Schnooky lumps? I like that. Schnooky lumps. You never called me that before. What happened last night to bring this on?
    Frank: "When you held me in your manly arms and crushed me to your lips, I discovered what it meant to be a real woman. When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips, your strong chin, the way you touch, the way you smother me with kisses—"
    Dutch: (clearly tired of waiting) Uh, honey, I gotta go.
  • Drebin in Dutch Gunderson's office:
    Dutch: Who are you, and how did you get in here?
    Drebin: I'm a locksmith, and... I'm a locksmith.
  • Drebin gets a rock through the window, takes it to Forensic and gets a lecture on geology. When Drebin later shows the rock to the thug who threw it and demands an explanation:
    Thug: Well, long ago the Earth was a large molten mass...
• The Japanese garden, aka a bunch of Japanese people standing stock still in pots.
• The Running Gag of Drebin's informant, Johnny the Shoeshiner. Not only giving Drebin useful tips that help crack each case, but also providing sound advice to Real Life people like Dick Clark (who also begs for another supply of Youth cream) and Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda.
  Johnny: And you wouldn't be in this mess if you hadn't given up on Tommy John! (Lasorda looks away in shame)
• A meta one. The VHS release of the show couldn't use the (then-)copyrighted lyrics for "Happy Birthday", so they dubbed in the cast literally singing 'Something Different', with the lyrics being nonsense to a Suspiciously Similar Song to "Happy Birthday." It's such a terrible attempt at working round copyright, it veers into Narm Charm.
• In "Testimony of Evil (Dead Men Don't Laugh)", one act break ends with Frank coughing after having a drink. You think he's been poisoned, but when the next act starts:
  Frank: Went down the wrong pipe.
• In "The Butler Did It (A Bird in the Hand)", over footage of Frank and Ed in the police car:
  Frank: (narrating) Time was running out for Terri. Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.

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