Funny / OverSimplified - The Second Punic War

• The Cold Open shows that the Carthaginian Officials still haven't learned how to defuse a Powder Keg Crowd when they have to tell their mercenaries they aren't getting paid because Carthage lost the First Punic War and has to pay Rome heavy reparations:
  Gaelic Mercenary: LET'S BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND!
  Other Mercenaries: (Cheers)
  Carthaginian Official: Hey! Hey! Don't burn this place to the ground! Come on fellas. Would killing us really make you feel better about your money?
  Gaelic Mercenary: (Draws his sword) Yes. (Butchers the Official before he and his friends go to sack Carthage)
  Jim: Way to go, sir.
  Carthaginian Official: Shut up, Jim! You're fired!
  Jim: I guess that makes two of us.
  Carthaginian Official: Huh? (Turns just in time to see the Gaelic Mercenary produce a lighter and set him on fire)
• In the midst of a battle against the Iberians, Hannibal does some cool moves on the battlefield. Hamilcar immediately interrupts and rushes over to give Hannibal a big hug saying how proud he is of his son, causing the Iberians to laugh at Hannibal. He gets them to stop by pitching his sword into an Iberian's face, but then Hamilcar says he's So Proud of You again, causing the Iberians to resume laughing at Hannibal.
• The Roman Consul clearly trying to provoke Hannibal into attacking the protectorate of Saguntum and therefore trigger a second Punic War.
  Hannibal: Hey! Your alliance with Saguntum is an insult, and we won't stand for it.
  Consul: They're our friends, Hannibal, and if you lay a finger on them, it'll be an act of war.
  Citizen: Yeah, Hannibal! Back the hell off!
  Hannibal: War, eh? I was thinking I might just besiege their city and massacre their people.
  Consul: I hope you do, Hannibal! Find out what happens.
  Citizen: We hope you do, Hanni- wait, what?
  Hannibal: Maybe I will.
  Consul: Go ahead, kill them all.
  Citizen: (starting to worry) Uh...
  Hannibal: Okay then.
  Consul: Fine.
  Hannibal: Fine.
  Consul: OK.
  Hannibal: Guess I'll do just that. (walks off)
  Citizen: Consul?
  Consul: We look forward to it. (starts to walk off)
  Citizen: Consul? You're gonna protect us though, right, Consul? Consul?! (Beat as the realization sets in)
  All citizens: D'OooOOOoOoH NoOoOo!!
• When the Romans show up and see Hannibal massacring the Saguntese, he tells them if they care about them so much, they should Saguntese nuts, which is followed by Carthaginians cheering.
• Hannibal's trek to Italy is made of Black Comedy:
  • He and his men struggle through harsh terrain crossing the mountains, with numerous people dying of exposure to the elements. Once they arrive on solid ground again, the Carthaginian soldiers begin cheering that they crossed the Alps.
    Hannibal: No, those were the Pyrenees. (pointing to the bigger, more imposing mountains behind him) Those are the Alps!
    Carthaginians: (Beat before they begin sobbing like children)
  • When Hannibal reaches the Alps, it's a bit later in the year than he had expected, and one of his men has some rather pertinent questions...
  Carthaginian Soldier: Yeah, it's kinda chilly. We'll set up camp here, and wait for spring, right? It's way too cold, right?... Hannibal?...
  (Gilligan Cut to Hannibal and his army staggering through a blizzard.)
  • Upon entering the Alps, the Carthaginians had to face numerous challenges such as extreme cold, falling off the side of icy cliffs, starvation, falling off the side of icy cliffs, scavenging the dead and dying for better clothing, and falling off the side of icy cliffs.
  • A tribe of Celts encounter the army and "offer" to lead Hannibal through a narrow gorge as a short cut, not a convenient place where they could kill and loot the Carthaginians. Seriously, they're not going to kill the Carthaginians... Seriously.
  • Upon sighting Italy, Hannibal attempts to rally his men for one final push down the mountains... only for his elephant to poop in the middle and for his audience to continuously shrink due to falling off the side of icy cliffs, much to his frustration.
  • Upon finally making it down the Alps and into Italy:
    Hannibal: Look guys, we did it!
    (Cut to his exhausted, traumatized army)
    Hannibal: (angry) Well I thought it went really well!
• Upon receiving word that he's being recalled to Italy to fight Hannibal, Longus throws a tantrum about how he was going to be the Hero of Rome like a child not wanting to take his afternoon nap. When he does agree to return, he is shown to be tucked in bed, while his advisor reads him a bedtime story titled, "The Teddy Bear's Picnic".
• The Celts at the Roman encampment at Placentia decide to join Hannibal's side:
  Brown-Haired Celt: Man, I'm thinking we should try to join Hannibal.
  Blond Celt: I hear ya. Maybe we should bring him a gift. What do you think he'd like?
  Brown-Haired Celt: Hmmm… (notices Roman soldiers sleeping around them) Oh, I know! (Cut to Celts meeting Hannibal at the Carthaginian encampment)
  Blond Celt: (Holding a large gift box) Hey, Hannibal! We want to join your side and we brought you a present.
  Hannibal: A gift? For me? (lifts and shakes box) I hope it's Roman heads. Oh please, oh please be Roman heads. (lifts the lid off the box and turns the box upside down, causing severed Roman heads to fall out onto the ground. Hannibal gasps with delight) HOW DID YOU KNOW?!
• After the initial Roman defeat at Ticinus, Scipio is bedridden, so Longus was asked to aid him. The Senate believed that one of the reasons for the defeat was that Scipio was bald, and Longus called him a bowling ball because of his bald, round head. Scipio proceeds to bite Longus's hand, causing Longus to let out a girly screech.
• The Running Gag of the Romans charging straight into Hannibal's traps despite being warned about it by their allies, beginning with Longus.
  Numidian Calvary soldier: Hey Longus, your butt smells like a butt.
  Longus: IT DOES NOT! Scipio! Awaken the troops!
  Scipio the Elder: Longus, these playground insults are clearly meant to lure you out.
  Longus: Well it's working! Send out the troops!
  Scipio the Elder: (annoyed) Longus, this is clearly a trap.
  Longus: And I'm falling for it! Send out the troops!
  • Later on, Flaminius does the same thing.
    Flaminius: I've done it! I've spotted the enemy!
    (cue the Carthaginian Army entering the lake pass with a huge "follow us" sign hoisted up)
    Advisor: Uh, sir.. That big "follow us" sign really seems like they're trying to lure you in.
    Flaminius: Yes, Gareth, and I'm taking the bait!
    Advisor: (concerned) Sir, this really seems like a trap.
    Flaminius: YES, GARETH, AND I'M FALLING FOR IT!

  • And then it happens again when Fabius has Hannibal trapped in a valley, only for his soldiers to fall for a looney-tunes esque trick of using wild oxen with torches attached to their horns to make it seem like Hannibal's army is leaving the valley.
    Fabius: Haha! We've got him! After he's used all the valley's supplies, he'll starve!
    Roman soldier: Uh, sir, what are all those lights leaving the valley? (looks over to what appears to be an army marching with torches) Is he trying to escape?
    Fabius: Lights in plain view? Well that's a trap if I've ever seen one.
    Roman soldiers: AND WE'RE FALLING FOR IT!! (proceeds to get ambushed after discovering the cartoonish trick)

• The Carthaginian Army's preparations for the Battle of Trebia is depicted like kids at a summer camp and Hannibal as the camp counselor. Starting from the boys groaning at being told to turn in early (at least until Hannibal reminds them that they're going to slaughter the Romans the next day), cheering at a pancake breakfast, and playing truth or dare around a campfire.
  Longus: Oh, I'm sorry. You thought war would be fun? Sitting around a nice hot campfire playing truth or dare with your friends? WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!
  (Meanwhile at the Carthaginian camp around a campfire)
  Carthaginian Soldier #1: Truth.
  Carthaginian Soldier #2: Who do you like?
  Carthaginian Soldier #1: (meekly)...Sharon.
  Eveyone Else: EWWW!
• Longus's terrible attempt to cover up his defeat Battle of the Trebia and the loss of his 30,000 men to the Senate.
  Senator: Longus, 30,000 men are missing, do you know where they are?
  Longus: Uhh, they're taking a bath.
  Senator: 30,000 men?! All in a bath?!
  Longus: Yes.
  Senator: Longus, what's under that rug? (points at a rug covering a giant pile behind Longus)
  Longus: Aurora Borealis.
  Senator: Aurora Borealis?! (lifts the edge of the rug to reveal a pile of Roman corpses just as Longus' watch goes off)
  Longus: Oh. Well, that's my consulship over. Good luck with Hannibal, byeeee! (changes into a Hawaiian-Shirted Tourist and leaves).
• When one of Hannibal's men suggests trekking through vast, impassable marshlands filled with dirty, stinky, disease infested water that would at times come up to their necks:
  Carthaginian Soldier: But there's no way we would attempt that, right? That would be crazy, right?... Hannibal?...
  (Gilligan Cut to Hannibal and his army staggering through the marshes.)
• The Roman Republic/Senate's reaction to the Battle of Lake Trasimene—a few moments of Stunned Silence before they begin running about in a blind panic.
• Fabius Maximus sitting back and eating chocolate while Hannibal's army burns down several farmlands right in front of him.
  Roman Soldier: We're just going to stand here?!
  Fabius: Yes.
  Roman Soldier: Are you a coward?
  Fabius: No.
  MacDonald: But Fabius, that's my farm.
  Fabius: Well, MacDonald, thank you for your sacrifice. You're a hero now. Think of the stories you'll tell.
  (sad music plays)
  MacDonald: Old MacDonald HAD a farm... (bawls)
• After Fabius Maximus' term ended, the Roman senators all gather to discuss their next plan of action against Hannibal. One of them is venting that he's sick of Hannibal's trickery to the point that he's not convinced that his wife isn't Hannibal wearing a disguise.
  Hannibal: (crossdressing as his wife) Coo~~ooo~~
  Roman Senator: (shudder)
  • During this gathering, a senator acknowledges that running blindly into Hannibal's traps is "in their blood", but this time they'll do it with an even bigger army! The result? Hannibal's masterpiece and one of the biggest Curbstomp Battles of history in Cannae.
    • And not to mention the senator's... interesting choice of words.
    Roman Senator: He can hide in all the bushes he wants! There is no way he can possibly beat off 80,000 men!
    (The entire senate bursts into laughter)
    Roman Senator: GROW UP! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!