Funny / OverSimplified - Napoleonic Wars

• Mrs. Bonaparte gives birth to Napoleon, in his full military dress (and yet also a pacifier). Then things get from bad to worse for her...
  Doctor: Congratulations, it's a general. (faint sound of marching and La Marseillaise rumbles on) Oh, and here comes the rest of the army.
  Mrs. Bonaparte: Uh...did you just say the rest of the ar—?
  (The entire French Army proceeds to pop out from her, complete with a marching band, horses, and cannons that shoot through the house's walls, as Mrs. Bonaparte screams in pain and Mr. Bonaparte stares in shock)
• Napoleon fails to make a good first impression at military school:
  Teacher: Okay, Napoleon, why don't you introduce yourself to your new classmates?
  Napoleon: Well, I'm Napoleon and I hate all of you. Your farts smell like cheese, you can't pronounce the letter R, all you do is go on strike, and you call eggs 'œufs' like a bunch of big dumb idiot dingleberries.
  [Beat]
  Teacher: Uhh... okay! Uh, thanks Napoleon. I hope you like being bullied.
  Narrator: And bullied he was!
• Austria confronts France about its revolution, and reminds France that its neighbors are all still monarchies, which leads France to do something stupid:
  France: Hey, Austria! You'll never guess what we just did.
  Austria: What's that, France?
  France:I got 2 words for ya. REVO. LUTION! We totally just socked it to our monarchy!
  Austria: …wwwwhat?!? Dude! The rest of us are monarchies! (motions to Spain, Prussia, and Naples) You've just totally threatened the balance of power in Europe. Now we have to worry about our stinky peasants rising up against us! I mean, holy Hell! Your queen is Austrian… (Austria keeps ranting as France starts thinking)
  France's Brain: OK, France. This is pretty awkward. And the rest of Europe is probably itchin' to give you a wedgie! But you're not ready for a war yet. So you've gotta be cool, man. It's absolutely crucial that you say something to diffuse the situation. Right now.
  Austria: (finishing the rant) …preposterous!
  (Beat)
  France: I declare war.
  France's Brain: SACRE BLEUUUUU!!!!
• The nobles of France poking fun at his wife's infidelities.
  Napoleon: (sarcastically) Is there anyone here who hasn't kissed my wife?
  Noble: Yeah, you!
• Napoleon's skill with propaganda and being his own hype man is represented by a glowing story of his victories in Egypt written by guest author Steve, who as his own biography points out, is not Napoleon in a fake mustache. With pictures.
  • The text of the article is comedy gold:
    Napoleon Bonaparte, who is just an all around mega-fresh dude, landed in Egypt last July, and embarked on an adventure for the ages! He uncovered hidden mysteries of the ancient world, such as a freaky cat-man,a big stick and an ugly horse. Experts say his expedition has left them contorting with joy! Some of the locals tried to oppose the French presence, but Napoleon ruthlessly crushed these savage brutes and/or won them over with gentle compassionate love, whichever narrative you prefer. What's that you say? You heard the hostile desert ravaged his army, British Admiral Nelson caught him with his pants down, and the Ottomans gave him what for? Who told you that?! The next time they have the gusto to spew such venomous falsehoods, here's what I want you to do. I want you to put on the tightest, hot pink, spandex onesie you can find, apply grease to your Herculean limbs, look that sucker dead in the eyes and yell, "I'm too hot to handle and too cold to hold! I'm the tower of power, too sweet to be sour! Hulkamania is like a single grain of sand in the Sahara Desert that is Macho Madness! I'm the Macho Man Randy Savage and I'm the World Wrestling Federation Champion!" Then piledrive that chump straight into the pavement and finish him off with your signature flying elbow drop.
• France starts turning areas it conquers into republics (using a magic wand) and is confronted by Russia, Austria, Great Britain, and Naples.
  France: Hey Piedmont, you get revolutionary ideals! (Piedmont becomes the Piedmontese Republic) Hey Switzerland, you get revolutionary ideals! (Switzerland becomes the Helvetic Republic) And Rome, you get revolutionary ideals! (Papal State becomes Roman Republic) Everyone gets revolutionary - (turns to see Great Britain, Russia, and Austria wielding sledgehammers) Oh, hey guys… Nice sledgehammers! (Naples enters wielding a nail gun) And Naples, VERY cool nail gun! You guys here to get some revolutionary ideals? (Other countries gang up on France and beat him with sledges while Naples fires the nail gun, with France screaming in pain) SACRE BLEU!
• Napoleon attempts to lure Alexander I into a trap by sending him a letter that says, "Hewwo, I'm just a wittle baby boy, and I'm vewy sca-wed." Complete with a crude drawing of a baby Napoleon pooping himself in a diaper.
  Alexander I: Are you talking like that, or is he?
• "Corrupt government officials? Throw them in the trash! Bad infrastructure? Throw them in the trash! Women's rights? Throw them in the trash! Wait, really?"
• Napoleon crashing the meeting of the European monarchs, and the subsequent conversation.
  William Pitt: Okay everyone, what the hell is going on? This Corsican guy showed up out of nowhere, and he's kicking our ass!
  Frederick William III: He's exporting the ideas of the French Revolution wherever he goes!
  Alexander I: And he just declared himself King of Italy! And Emperor!
  Francis II: He can't do that! I'm the Emperor!
  Napoleon: Hey, fellow monarchs! I see you're having a monarch party! My invite must have got lost in the mail. I'll just set up a spot riiiiight here! (squeezes himself between Alexander I and Gustav IV Adolf of Sweden)
  Francis II: Wow...You don't belong here, Napoleon! We're coming to take you down!
  Napoleon: I'd like to see you try.
  Francis II: (mockingly) Ooooh! I'm so scared, I just pooed my pants! Hey, everyone! I just pooed my pants!
  (All the men besides Napoleon burst out laughing)
  Francis II: No, but...I did just poo my pants...
  • The second round is even more priceless, due to the fact that they sincerely thought Napoleon would be indisposed.
    William Pitt: Ok, now that that guy is [stuck in Elba], let's make sure nothing like that happens again.
    (A French flag appears between the flags of Russia and Sweden)
    William Pitt: What is that doing there?
    Napoleon: (pops up in between Tsar Alexander I and Bernadotte/Charles XIV John of Sweden) Hey, fellow monarchs!
    (The other monarchs begin screaming at the sight of him)
    Francis II: I POOED MY PANTS AGAIN!!!
    (Close up on Francis II screaming his head off)
• Frederick William III of Prussia getting scolded by his wife, Queen Louise, for refusing to go to war with Napoleon.
  Louise: Frederick! He's established a confederation in our turf, and he said he'd give us Hanover, but then offered it to the British. You have to declare war on him!
  Frederick: What is it with you and war?
  Louise: What is it with you and being a cupcake?! Go to war!
  Frederick: Okay...
• Alexander I advising the other monarchs on how to deal Napoleon.
  Alexander I: Look at him over there, being all French! Makes me sick! (to Frederick William III and Gustav IV Adolf) Boys, we'll get him this time. But here's the thing, this time, we have to stick together. (The camera slowly zooms in on Alexander and Gustav) Do not under any circumstances face Napoleon by yourself. You all saw what happened to Austria-
  (The camera pans out to reveal Frederick is gone)
  Alexander I: Hey, where'd Fred go?
  Frederick William III: (facing Napoleon by himself) Hey you jerk! Think you're some kind of big shot? Huh? Wanna tango with Fred? You don't got the cajones!
  Alexander I: We're screwed...
• Napoleon gets along with Tsar Alexander I of Russia so well, that he tells his wife that if Alexander were a woman, he would make him his mistress.
  Josephine:...Kind of a weird thing to say to your wife, Napoleon.
• Napoleon confronting King Carlos IV of Spain for being incompetent.
  Napoleon: Alright, Carlos, you've got to get it together! How can I trust you when all you do is go hunting? Meanwhile, you let this ambitious nobody who dislikes me run the country. (points to Manuel Godoy) And you seem to be the only person in the universe who doesn't realize he's boinking your wife! And what's worse-
  (The camera pans over to Ferdinand VII standing in his father's place)
  Napoleon: Who the heck are you?
  Ferdinand VII: I'm the king's son. I just overthrew my dad, so actually, now I'm the king.
  Napoleon:....You people are the biggest cluster of shameless, narcissistic idiots, and all-around, just the worst people I've met! Here, have a Kids' Choice Award.
• After this we have the "mediation" between Ferdinand and Carlos, made in a Dr. Phil-style studio.
  Napoleon: Alright! We're here with the royal family of Spain. So, Fernando. You have been accused of plotting against your father and vying for the Spanish throne. What do you have to say for yourself?
  Ferdinand: Well, Napoleon...
  Napoleon: That's great! Well, I got the test results right here. Fernando, in the case of the Spanish throne, you are, NOT the king.
  Carlos: (laughs)
  Napoleon: And Carlos, you are also, NOT the king!
  (Napoleon puts on the Spanish crown)
  Napoleon: I'M THE KING!
  (The camera quickly pans out and two guards lift Ferdinand and Carlos and move them to a nearby cage)
• Following Napoleon's attack on Moscow and the Russian Army's retreat, they released all the prisoners and have them riot and destroy as much of the city as possible to prevent Napoleon from using any of the infrastructure and resources. One of the prisoners is... uniquely suited for the task.
  Prison Guard: Jimmy the Arsonist, you are not gonna believe your luck.
• After conquering Moscow, Napoleon sends a letter to the Tsar demanding their surrender. Luckily for the Russians, the Tsar has a cunning plan to defeat the French invaders.
  Dimitri: Your Imperial Majesty, Napoleon requests your surrender. How shall I respond?
  Alexander I: You shan't, Dimitri.
  Dimitri: Ever?
  Alexander I: Ever.
  Dimitri: But...your majesty, it will be winter soon. The French forces are stuck 500 miles into Russian territory with dwindling supplies. If we don't say anything, well, then they'll all di-Oooooooooohhhhhh!
• After the retreat from Russia and Napoleon himself is back to France, he is shown putting his military industry in overdrive, whipping workers to make more rifles, cannons and horses. The last guy is understandably confused.
  Napoleon: You. Make more horses!
  Worker: I don't make horses.
  Napoleon: Then who makes horses?
  Worker: Horses make horses.
  Napoleon: Explain how!
  Worker: Well, when a daddy horse and a mommy horse love each other very much...
  Napoleon: YES. GO ON!
  Worker: Well, then the daddy horse...
  (Cuts to five minutes later, and Napoleon propping himself up with a wall)
  Worker: I'm sorry, Napoleon. You're 43. I thought you'd know this stuff.
  Napoleon: Don't touch me! I'm gonna be sick!
• During the Battle of Waterloo, a painting is shown where one British soldier in a square formation appears to be inexplicably laughing.
  Narrator: The British formed defensive square formations, and they tore the French cavalry to shreds... (zooms in)... while one guy chose the absolute worst time to go on a bender.
  Soldier: (captioned) "Where am I lmao"
• Throughout both parts, OverSimplified repeatedly focuses on Napoleon's youth, despite his great achievements, using it to suggest that the viewer move out of their mom's basement. That is, until he gets to Napoleon's imprisonment on St. Helena, where he is kept under constant supervision, on one of the most isolated places on earth.
  OverSimplified: He had lost everything. And by the way, he was only 46. So maybe, it's about time you… umm. You know what? You're doing alright, kid.
• Both Napoleon himself and, as the final lines, the narration keep insisting that he was definitely average height for the time. However, he burst into tears, looks angry and overly defensive when says that, or yells it in the middle of a battle, so it always looks like a Suspiciously Specific Denial. The fact that his model is ever-so-slightly shorter than everyone else's just completes the joke.

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