Funny / OverSimplified - The American Civil War

• Abraham Lincoln enters the world giving an eloquent speech, then immediately lapses back into newborn baby crying, much to the bewilderment of his parents.
  Lincoln: Nine months and four days ago, my father brought forth upon my mother himself, and gave to her a child, conceived in a shack in Kentucky, and dedicated to the proposition that I will drink num-nums from a bottle, and do little poo-poos in my pantses, for the next two to three years. Now what is it babies do again? Oh yeah. (Cries)
  Thomas Lincoln: I am not touching that.
• Lincoln reading a book titled Vampire Hunting For Dummies.
• A southerner and a northerner are debating over what "All men are created equal" really means:
  Southerner: Yeah, but what does that mean... exactly?
  Northerner: It means all men.
  Southerner: (as his eyes narrow) Yeah, but what does that mean... exactly?
  Northerner: (says nothing, but his eyes turn into a glare)
• As an example of one of Lincoln's trials as a defense lawyer, this exchange occurs:
  Lincoln: [Was it] a dim half-moon?
  Charles Allen: No, a bright full moon.
  Lincoln: That's funny, because according to this almanac, there was a dim half-moon that night! Which makes you a liar!
  Charles Allen: Well, uh... I got a bright full moon for you all right here! (moons the courtroom, and is then tackled by three bailiffs)
  Lincoln: Now that's what I call a re-butt-al!
  Courtroom: (cheers and applauds the pun)
• Texas busting through the screen hooting and hollering upon being added to the union.
• A northern politician, Charles Sumner, calls out the Southern Democrats on the subject of slavery.
  Sumner: If slavery was a woman, she'd be an ugly one, and the senator from South Carolina would like to boink her.^note Despite sounding like vintage OverSimplified, this is basically what Sumner actually said.
  Senate leader: Representative Brooks, do you have a rebuttal?
  Rep. Preston Brooks: Oh, I have a rebuttal alright. Yeah...here's a rebuttal for ya! (leaps forward and starts beating the crap out of Sumner with his cane)
  Bystander: Oh come on, surely this isn't allowed!
  Senate leader: Hmm, I don't know. I'll have to consult the rulebook. (flips through the book) Hmm, I can't find anything about caning a political opponent. But it says here that I'm not allowed to wear women's underwear. UH OH!
• John Brown's failed attempt to take down slavery on his own leads to this conversation between two southern men.
  Man #1: You see this?! They're coming for us! Soon, there'll be a million John Browns!
  Man #2: A million John Browns?! (Imagine Spot of him running a shop shaving the beards off of multiple copies of John Brown)
  Man #1: (whacks him with his cane) What on earth are you thinking about?
  Man #2: A John Brown farm... (Looks down in shame)
  Man #1:...Yeah, me too. (Also looks down in shame)
• Lincoln reading threatening letters on the train.
  Lincoln: "May the hand of the Devil strike you down. You are destroying this country. Damn you, every breath you take. Love from... Grandma?!"
• After one Union soldier asks several times if the war is over yet (after one week) his commanding officer snaps that if he doesn't stop asking that, he's sending everyone home to their wives and families. The entire army erupts in cheers.
• George Washington making a cameo at Lincoln's war meeting.
• Wilmer McLean dealing with his wife Martha lagging behind when his family is trying to escape the war. First at Bull Run:
  Wilmer: Hurry up, Martha! There's a war out here!
  Martha: The more you tell me to hurry up, the slower I will go!
  (A cannon ball destroys the roof of their house)
  • A second time at Bull Run:
    Wilmer: Hurry up, Martha! There's another war out here!
    Martha: I'm waiting for my hair to dry!
    (A cannon ball destroys the roof of their house again)
  • And a third time at Appomattox Court House:
    Wilmer: Alright, can we all just hurry up and get this over with?
    Martha: (Walks in vacuuming)
    Wilmer: MARTHA! Not! Now!
    Martha: I'm cleaning! Do you want us to get rats?!
• The conversation between the Union and Confederate soldiers at Fredericksburg:
  Confederate soldier: Hey, Yankee, ready to get your butt kicked?
  Union soldier: Yeah right, Rebel, God is on our side.
  Confederate soldier: No way, man! God's on our side!
  Union soldier: Oh you think so? Well, why don't we ask HIM? Hey, God! Whose side are you on?
  (They both get struck by lightning)
  Union soldier: (Looking up at the sky) Ow... Dude, uncool.
• Lincoln going through a slideshow of potential generals.
  Lincoln: Oh my goodness, why do all of these 19th-century generals look so bust? (showing a portrait of William H. French) Look, we've got Sleepy Eyes Joe here. (Flip to Abner Doubleday) That's Princess Leia with a mustache. (Flip to Benjamin Butler) E.T., phone the doctor! (Flip to George Meade) Fine, why don't we give Snapping Turtle McGee here a shot?
• Jefferson Davis owns a BTS calendar.
• Lincoln's bad puns.
  • After reading a death sentence for a 17-year-old deserter:
    Lincoln: I'll have to suspend his sentence, or he'll be suspended tomorrow!
    Everyone: (Collective Groan)
  • Assigning General Grant the campaign in the east:
    Lincoln: You are bold, Grant, I'll grant you that.
    I'm promoting you to general-in-chief and I ain't taking you for granted!
    Now I want you to go defeat Lee. Grant me my wish!
    Grant: Please stop.
• During the Battle of Gettysburg, a farmer named Joseph is far more concerned that the soldiers might take his beans than the fact that there's a battle going on, much to the bewilderment of his wife Sarah. Made even funnier by it being something that actually happened.
  Sarah: Joseph! What are you doing?
  Joseph: I'm not gonna let them take my beans!
  Sarah: How many times do I have to tell you, they're not here for your beans!