Funny / New Tricks

• This exchange between Brian and P.C Clarke in the first season, discussing a security guard wounded in a robbery connected to a case, something of which has piqued Brian's interest:
  Brian: If you were robbing a security van and wanted to immobilise the guard inside, where would you shoot him?
  Clarke: ... The head?
  Brian: ... You'll notice, Clarkie, I said 'immobilise', not 'kill instantly in an unnecessary bloodbath'.
  Clarke: ... The leg.
  Brian: The leg! Good! Leg.
  Clarke: Or the foot.
  Brian: Let's just stick with the leg.
  Clarke: [Eagerly, getting a bit carried away] Both legs.
  Brian: [Exasperated] One leg would probably suffice!
  Clarke: But two to make sure.
  Brian: It's a thirty second situation, Clarke! You shoot a man in the leg, he's really not going anywhere.
  Clarke: But if you've already shot him in one leg, he's kind of stuck in situ while I shoot in in the other one. Might as well. Bang, number one — he can't move. Bang, number two — he really really can't move.
  [Brian is utterly lost for words for a moment]
  Brian: ... Get your coat, son.
• Sandra confronts Gerry regarding his interview with a former (female) Police Detective:
  Sandra: You slept with her.
  Gerry: Yeah.
  Sandra: You disgust me.
  Gerry: We never discussed you at all!
• Gerry's response to a religious man's claim that his deceased friend has Ascend to a Higher Plane of Existence:
  Gerry: Well he's dead enough, he's hardly gonna walk in on us!
• The team are in the pub discussing the case over drinks. Someone's mobile phone rings, and they all start delving into coats and bags to look for it. Then Jack reminds Brian that he hasn't got one (ie. a mobile phone).
• Steve with no warrant breaks into a guy's house looking for clues. While there, he answers the door. Turns out it was a couple thugs collecting a gambling debt who think Steve is the owner.
• Brian at the abandoned office in The little Brother. Though no one is around, he answers a phone when UCOS calls, ineffectively pretending to be someone else, which draws them back. Hearing an intruder, he grabs a staple gun, ambushing the intruder with it. Fortunately, it's just his wife. He then hides when UCOS arrives. Later in the episode, he acts more sensibly.