Funny / New Tricks

  • This exchange between Brian and P.C Clarke in the first season, discussing a security guard wounded in a robbery connected to a case, something of which has piqued Brian's interest:
    Brian: If you were robbing a security van and wanted to immobilise the guard inside, where would you shoot him?
    Clarke: ... The head?
    Brian: ... You'll notice, Clarkie, I said 'immobilise', not 'kill instantly in an unnecessary bloodbath'.
    Clarke: ... The leg.
    Brian: The leg! Good! Leg.
    Clarke: Or the foot.
    Brian: Let's just stick with the leg.
    Clarke: [Eagerly, getting a bit carried away] Both legs.
    Brian: [Exasperated] One leg would probably suffice!
    Clarke: But two to make sure.
    Brian: It's a thirty second situation, Clarke! You shoot a man in the leg, he's really not going anywhere.
    Clarke: But if you've already shot him in one leg, he's kind of stuck in situ while I shoot in in the other one. Might as well. Bang, number one — he can't move. Bang, number two — he really really can't move.
    [Brian is utterly lost for words for a moment]
    Brian: ... Get your coat, son.
  • Sandra confronts Gerry regarding his interview with a former (female) Police Detective:
    Sandra: You slept with her.
    Gerry: Yeah.
    Sandra: You disgust me.
    Gerry: We never discussed you at all!
  • Gerry's response to a religious man's claim that his deceased friend has Ascend to a Higher Plane of Existence:
    Gerry: Well he's dead enough, he's hardly gonna walk in on us!