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Funny: My Wife and Kids

  • The episode "Get Out" has so many:
    • "Get in the shower, Junior! You smell like corn chips and ass!" "I do not smell like corn chips."
    • Kady spilled chocolate pudding on her dress. So Michael cuts it out, giving her a version of the infamous J.Lo dress.
    • "No-it's-not-a-capital-crime!"
    • Michael clapping his hands to get his family to hurry up.
    • "Kady cut the cheese."
    • This dialogue:
      Michael: Please stay in the car or else I will make your lives a living hell.
      Jay: Michael, you're off to a good start.
      Michael: I married a comedian.
    • "I wanna bite your head off!"
    • "What is it, son?"
    • This scene near the end.
    Jay: Why does your cousin have to get married this late at night anyway?
    Michael: Because he's an insomniac and she's ugly.
    • This dialogue:
    Michael: No! We're too close to being on time for this to unravel! It's a conspiracy!
    Jay: You're not the boss of me, Captain Ahab!
  • And so does "RV Dreams", especially during the trip:
    • Michael going crazy after drinking so much coffee (spiced with Haggis).
      • Michael throws Jay's "RV Vacations For Dummies" book out the window. Luckily she carries a little booklet version.
      • Michael tells Jay to push the button, and he pretends to be going to warp-drive.
      • Michael laughs like crazy.
    • Junior tries to do the "Vulcan Sleep Pinch" on Michael. Michael does it to Junior, which works.
    • Junior comes out of the bathroom (after being in there for so long), and everyone is overcome with the terrible smell.
    Junior: (straining in the bathroom) Got to get this demon outta meeeee!
    • Super-speed family time. It's just genius. Especially the part near the end of it where Michael and Jay go behind a bush and (presumbaly) have sex and come out happy, then Junior and Vanessa do the same thing only to come out two seconds later with Vanessa annoyed and pushing Junior away from her. And then Michael gave him a Dope Slap.
    • Jay demands Michael to annunciate "Uhura", because it sounds like "a whore".
    Jay: UhuRA! UhuRA! Y'all better anunciate up in here...
  • "Don't make me go Hulk on you!"
  • The entirety of "Road Trip". Highlight include:
    • Junior rolling over the hood of the car for no apparent reason.
    Michael: You roll over this car one more time, this car gonna roll over you.
    • Jay's encounters with the police officers ("Don't ma'am me, I'm an American citizen!")
    • Jay's rant about the family squeezing the toothpaste wrong at the beginning of the episode.
    Jay: You squeeze and roll, you squeeze and roll, know what I'm sayin'?! This is a house of lunacy!
    • When Jay starts animatedly reciting "The Ride of Paul Revere," Junior starts beatboxing to it.
    • "Junior, if your mother starts with that Paul Revere crap, I want you to take the wheel 'cause I'm jumpin' out this car."
    • Michael trying to order fast food for his family with all of them yelling their orders at the same time. When they've finished, the cashier actually got all of it.
    • After they get the food and are back on the road, a hormonal Claire starts crying. This exchange occurs:
    Michael: What's the matter, Claire?
    Claire: (in tears) My fries are cooooold!
    Michael: You're crying over some stupid potatoes?
    Jay: Michael...
    Michael: Oh...(comfortingly) Well, give them to Daddy, sweetie, I'll put them on the heater and -
    Claire: No, I don't want them anymore! They're cold and stale, like the swirling wind of despair that sweeps through my soul.
    Junior: I'll eat them!
    Kady: (puts the fast food guy's mechanical larynx to her throat so she sounds demonic) And I'll eat you!
    Junior: (freaked out) Dad, make her stop!
  • The final play in "Crouching Mother, Hidden Father".
  • The episode "Blackout" gives us the line below, right after Junior trips over the stairs whilst going up them.
    Michael: "How did the boy fall up the stairs? His stupidity defies gravity!"
    • When Michael takes the batteries out of Claire's school baby doll to use for the flashlight:
    Claire: You killed my fake baby! You killed my fake baby!
    Michael: CLAIRE! The baby had to die, so we could see.
  • Several of Michael's quotes can count as these.
    Michael: Up up... & walk outta here!
    Michael: Fine infininininity!
  • In "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow," the family's reaction to Michael's new hair piece. Jay, Claire, and Junior all say "Oh my God" in varying degrees of shock, and Kady just screams in horror and runs away.
  • In "No Rules", Michael sees Jr's messy room & "turns it into a 5-star hotel, Jr style" after the latter states that he likes it that way.
  • From "They Call Me El Foosay," the identity of the titular El Foosay: Franklin in a mariachi costume.
    • When Junior loses a game of foosball to Michael, Vanessa gets up in his face with an Ironic Echo of his obnoxious taunting of her from earlier in the episode:
    Vanessa: IN YOUR FACE! LOOPALINDA! I'm gonna tell yo' son, and he ain't gonna RESPECT YOOOUUU!
    • This exchange:
    Jay: (to Michael) I want you to go in the house and calm down and get a hold of yourself.
    Jay: (completely calmly) Kids, I am so sorry...but I'm going to have to kill your father. (everyone gives her 'what the hell' looks) Now, now, now! We had some good years with him and I want you all to hold on to those memories, because they're going to get you through the mourning period and they are going to comfort you...when Mommy is in jail.
    Claire: You're not really going to kill him -
    Jay: Yeah, Claire! Yeah! Yeah! If he says "Buyashaka" one more time -
    Michael: (from next room) BUYASHAKA!
    Jay: THAT'S IT! (starts to charge at Michael and everyone else has to hold her back)
    • And when compromising doesn't work and Michael assumes everyone's problem is that they all want to play foosball too, this is her immediate reaction:
    Jay: (taking off her earrings) All right, kids, go outside, I'll call you when it's done. Listen, just remember that you can always, always visit me on Sundays, and bring me lots of books! (starts strangling Michael)
  • From "Double Date," Michael's whole obsession with [1], which he believes solves everything in life. When Tony comes to ask permission to take Claire on a date, Michael's sitting in a chair in the living room with a ridiculous robe and a stuffed snake over his shoulders, with the music from the movie playing in the background.
    Jay: (comes in and shuts off the stereo) Tony is here to see you, Don Baldeone.
    • And near the end of the episode, when Michael convinces Jay, who has made fun of him for his references to the movie all episode, to let him discipline Claire for kissing Tony, she has this to say: "All right, but don't go easy on her." Beat "Godfather her ass!"
  • From "The Baby, Part 1", Michael's Incredibly Lame Pun:
    Vanessa: I've been working with a midwife, she's really good!
    Michael: I hope so, you don't want to have a mid-wife crisis!
    Jay: ...(shaking her head) Uh-uh.
    • The whole scene with the midwife, Summer Breeze, especially Michael's line when he meets her and she gives him an "Indian name."
    Summer Breeze: I'm going to call you Dark Cloud!
    Michael: And I'm going to call you a cab!
    • The subplot with Claire trying to prove Kady's stealing her stuff starts with this:
    Jay: Are you sure you haven't just misplaced them, Claire?
    Claire: No, I haven't misplaced them! I'm eighteen, not forty!
    Michael: Hey, do you mind? I'm forty, and your mother's gonna be forty in about - (Jay gives him a look) - eighteen years.

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