Funny / James and the Giant Peach

Book

• The scene where James suggests using the Earthworm as bird bait has the Centipede and Miss Spider making perhaps the worst possible attempts at talking him into it:
  "You will be a martyr," said the Centipede. "I shall respect you for the rest of my life."
  "So will I," said Miss Spider. "And your name will be in all the newspapers. Earthworm gives life to save friends..."
• During the voyage over the sea, the flying peach is spotted by the captain of the ship Queen Mary, who starts raving about giant insects, to which the Second Officer just sighs: "Oh dear, he's been at the whiskey again."
• The Earthworm's reactions to finding out there are Cloud-Men all around them:
  "I'm glad I'm blind and can't see them, or I would probably scream."
  • Speaking of Earthworm, he gets a little too happy when Centipede gets coated with paint. This particular quote skirts into Black Comedy, considering that it comes right after Miss Spider tearfully expresses sympathy over Centipede's plight.
    "It'll never come off," the Earthworm said brightly. "Our Centipede will never move again. He will turn into a statue and we shall be able to put him in the middle of the lawn with a bird-bath on the top of his head."
  • His other suggestion for removing the paint is just as funny.
    "Now if he suck out his tongue," the Earthworm said, smiling a little for perhaps the first time in his life, "if he stuck it out really far, then we could all catch hold of it and start pulling. And if we pulled hard enough, we could turn him inside out and he would have a new skin!"
  • The fact that they genuinely consider doing this only adds to the comedy.
• When James introduces the bugs to the astonished New Yorkers, he does so in verse — and while most of the verses are at least somewhat accurate, the verse presenting the Centipede is the most nonsensical and untrue of them all, and includes some hilarious snark from one of the firemen:
  "My friends, this is the Centipede, and let me make it known
  He is so sweet and gentle that (although he's overgrown)
  The Queen of Spain, again and again, has summoned him by phone
  To baby-sit and sing and knit and be a chaperone
  When nurse is off and all the royal children are alone."
  ("Small wonder," said a Fireman, "they're no longer on the throne.")^note  The book was written while Francisco Franco was still in power in Spain; the restoration of the monarchy was still a decade and a half away.
• The Centipede mocking the Cloud Men as they prepare for winter during summer.
  "Idiots! Nincompoops! Blunder-heads! Half-wits! Asses! What on earth do you think you're doing over there?"

Film

• Miss Spider jumps off Sponge's face just before Spiker swats it with a flyswatter.
  Sponge: (Has a flyswatter bruise on her face.) You hit me in the face! You hit me in the face!
  Spiker: Oh, do shut up!

The aunts started arguing as James sneaks out by using the front door.

• Given how James was able to release Miss Spider and have a long conversation with the old man before the aunts come out looking for him, one can easily make the assumption that they spent several minutes arguing offscreen.

• This exchange from the aunts:
  Spiker: It's... it's growing!
  Sponge: The boy?
  Spiker: No! The peach, you idiot!
  • Aunt Sponge pointing out that the peach is still growing only for Spiker to snap at her.
  Sponge: Look, Spiker! It's still growing!
  Spiker: I'm not blind you dolt, I can see it myself!
• As the aunts charge people to view the peach.
  Spiker: Sorry Father, but it will cost you double.
  Priest: May God forgive you.
  Spiker: Thank you, Father.
  • One onlooker takes pictures of the peach. The aunts offer to pose for snapshots before confiscating the camera.
• This gem before they discover that they landed in the ocean.
  Earthworm: (Centipede pinches him) OW! Somebody pinched me!
  Centipede: Sorry. Thought you were the Spider.
  (Miss Spider gasps indignantly and accidentally smacks Grasshopper.)
  Grasshopper: Ouch! What was that?
  Miss Spider: Excuse, I thought you were the Centipede.
• This little gem:
  Centipede: I've sailed all the five seas! From the sun-drenched reefs of Bora Bora to the icy shores of Tripoli! Commodore Centipede, they used to call me!
  Grasshopper: Seven.
  Centipede: Huh?
  Grasshopper: There are seven seas. And Tripoli is in the subtropics, "Commodore".
  Centipede: Trim the sails!
  Ladybug: There are no sails.
  Centipede: Stoke the engines!
  Earthworm: There are no engines.
  Centipede: I can't work with this miserable crew!
• When James brings up his plan to use seagulls to make the peach fly, he also states they'll need bird bait. The Earthworm wonders where they're going to find bird bait...as the other bugs creep up behind him. Mrs. Ladybug pulls out a cowbell.
  Earthworm: Oh no...no, no...have you lost your minds? (Gilligan Cut to Earthworm with the bell on) They've lost their minds! Anything but birds!
• After James and co. hear the sound of the mechanical shark for the first time:
  James: (Audibly frightened) Sounds like a rhinoceros!
  Grasshopper: In the ocean? Scientifically impossible!
• "COME AND GET IT! GET YOUR FRESH HOT WEENIE!"
• Pretty much the entirety of the "Eating the Peach" number, but this gem stands out in particular:
  Glow-worm: Does it come with GRAAAVY???
• After James wakes up in the Arctic, the camera pans up to the Gloworm shivering and trying to warm up her hands by hovering them over her glowing tail!
• This exchange between Grasshopper and Centipede when they wind up in the Arctic:
  Grasshopper: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!! You're a disgrace to your phylum, class, order, genus, and species!
  Centipede: Say it in English!
  Grasshopper: You, sir, are an ass!
• When the Centipede and the Grasshopper are arguing about how they ended up in the arctic:
  Centipede: We are not lost!
  Grasshopper: Then where are we?
  Centipede: Somewhere north! (Beat) Or, possibly, very, very far south.
• After James is rescued from the top of the Empire State Building, he asks the man helping him if he's seen any "big bugs" in the city where we get this gem.
  Worker: Big bugs?! How big?
• Even when he's in mortal peril (when the storm caused by the Rhino blows away the compass), Centipede can't resist making this wisecrack:
  We could wind up in Jersey!
• The New York City police officer got hit by large dripping peach juice.
• During the introduction of the bugs to New York City:
  James: ... and the Glow-worm!
  Glow-worm [facing the wrong way]: God bless the colonies!

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