Funny / Guards! Guards!

  • The narration describing Carrot's uneventful 500 mile journey to the city, with the observation that people with a build like his often have uneventful journeys.
    People jump out at them from behind rocks then say thing like, "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else."
  • The Watchmen realise that no-one has ever said "It's practically a certainty, but it might just work!" and so attempt to increase the odds of Sergeant Colon shooting a dragon to exactly a million to one (eventually blindfolded, standing on one leg, his face covered in soot and singing The Hedgehog Song). They fail. Fortunately the odds of surviving the dragon's counter-attack were exactly a million to one.
  • The Hedgehog Song.
  • Carrot attempts to arrest Vetinari. Particularly Vimes's reaction. Even more so when Sgt. Colon somehow manages to vocally command Carrot's central nervous system, and sent him marching away with a few army-styled orders. Especially when the narration notes that while Vetinari is speaking to Vimes, Colon is screaming at Carrot in the background to stop marching.
  • Carrot arrests the dragon, and then holds back the mob. Can't have prisoners killed by a mob. It quickly gets better when he reads to the dragon the list of charges against it. Everybody else could only stare in astonishment.
  • The scene in the dwarf bar, where Carrot makes a bunch of badass, armed-to-the-teeth dwarves cry by asking them what their mothers would think of the way they're behaving.
    "Can you imagine what your poor, white-bearded old mother, slaving away back in her little hole, wondering how her son is getting on tonight, can you imagine what she’d think if she saw you now? Your own dear mothers, who first showed you how to use a pickax—”
    Nobby, standing by the doorway in terror and amazement, was aware of a growing chorus of nose-blowings and muffled sobs as Carrot went on: “—she’s probably thinking, I expect he’s having a quiet game of dominoes or something—”
    A nearby dwarf, wearing a helmet encrusted with six-inch spikes, started to cry gently into his beer."
  • Commander Vimes meets Sybil Ramkin in awkward circumstances. "Why? It's my bloody dragon."
    • As Sybil's serving him tea, she notices him looking at the portraits of her forebears, and mentions how it's a source of family pride that not one Ramkin in the past thousand years has died in their bed. "Quite a few of them have died in other people's, of course." Vimes's teacup rattles in its saucer.
  • Sybil's bedroom is described as 'the bedroom of a woman who never expected a man to see the inside of it.'
  • When a few men are discussing the dragon hunt and what the reward should be, one of them suggests it should be to marry the princess, or at least the patrician's daughter. Another informs him that he has no daughter, just an aunt and a dog. After the rest of the men leave, one comes back and asks what kind of dog it is.
  • One of Carrot's first acts after joining the Watch is to arrest the Head of the Thieves' Guild for being a thief. Unfortunately for Carrot's ideals, the city now has organized crime - which makes the crime rate easier to control, since police have to work ten times as hard to cut down on crime even a little, while criminals just have to work a little less. "Next he'll be arresting the head of the Assassins' Guild for bloody well killing people!"
  • "It could have been an innocent bystander, sir." "What, in Ankh-Morpork?" "Yes, sir." "We should have grabbed him, then, just for the novelty value."
  • Death's many appearances during the story, as he does his best to comfort the dragon's victims.
  • The three rules of the Librarians of Time And Space:
    1) Silence
    2) Books must be returned no later than the date last shown
    3) Do not interfere with the nature of causality
  • At the end of the book, Vetinari calls up the Night Watch to reward them, fully expecting them to ask for thousands of dollars and promotion, because in his mind that's the way the world works. His and Vimes' reactions to them asking for a miniscule pay rise, a brand-new kettle, and a dartboard (which they think they're pushing their luck on) is priceless.
  • "They felt, in fact, tremendously bucked-up, which was how Lady Ramkin would almost certainly have put it and which was definitely several letters of the alphabet away from how they normally felt."
  • A disgruntled adventurer recaps Beowulf:
    "I heard where this guy, he killed this monster in this lake, no problem, stuck its arm up over the door... and you know what? Its mum came and complained. Its actual mum come right down to the hall next day and complained. That's the respect you get."
  • Vimes and Sybil get their first clear look at the dragon as it soars effortless through the sky, graceful and deadly. Sybil is enthralled. Vimes is disgruntled.
    Sybil: We're seeing something that hasn't been seen for centuries!
    Vimes: Yes! It's a bloody flying alligator setting fire to my city!
  • Apparently Vetinari's aunt was actually asked to play the part of the maiden chained to the rock:
    C.MO.T. Dibbler: O'course, by rights there should be a maiden chained to a rock. Only the aunt said no.
  • "Weeeeeell, when Nobby asked him if he wanted his figgin toasted he just give a scream and run off."
  • Early in the book, Dibbler is trying to hawk some cream which he claims was made by monks in the Hublands. Near the end of the book, we see some monks sending a package to Dibbler, and one monks wonders what Dibbler exactly does with the stuff.
  • The whole scene of Urdo van Pew, head of the Thieves' Guild, making a complaint to Vetinari because Carrot's arrested him. Some highlights are when Vetinari points out that there should have been a whole lot of men in there, "thick as, you'll pardon the expression, thieves" and Urdo shaking his finger at Vetinari, then realizing this was a mistake for anyone who doesn't want to be able to count to only nine. Also, "I shall deal with it momentarily".
  • At one point, Vimes' typically fithy coffee mug is finally cleaned. He complains that his coffee now has no flavour, and tastes "like love in a canoe". Why like love in a canoe? Because it's fucking close to water.
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