Funny / Friends

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     Season 1 
  • In "The One with the Thumb", Chandler successfully diverting attention away from his smoking habit by pointing out everyone else's flaws, reducing them to petty squabbling with each other (Rachel serving the wrong drinks, Ross over-pronouncing every single word, Joey's knuckle cracking, Phoebe chewing her hair, Monica snorting when she laughs).
    • When Monica tells the gang that she's breaking up with Alan (they all liked him more than she did), all five of them collectively act like a jilted lover.
  • During Season 1, Joey uses Monica's bathroom to put cream on his butt. Chandler then shows up.
    Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
    Monica: In the bathroom. I wouldn't go in there.
    Chandler: Oh, come on. We're roommates. (goes in the bathroom, only to scream loudly off screen and race back out again with his hands covering his face) MY EYES! MY EYES!
  • Rachel's attempt at an erotic novel is completely appropriate due to her horrible typing skills. Women with heaving beasts, men with huge throbbing pens, and more!
  • Ross and Joey talking dirty.
  • Cat jumps on Ross' head.
    • Also in that episode, Chandler's attempts to flirt with Victoria's Secret model Jill Goodacre start off inauspiciously.
      Chandler: (thinking) "Gum would be perfection"? "Gum would be perfection". Could have said "gum would be nice", could have said "I'll have a stick", but no no no no no. To me, gum is "perfection"! I loathe myself. (Head Desk)
  • Joey's "Freud!" song.
    "All you want is a dinkle"
    "What you envy's a schwang"
    "A thing with which you can tinkle
    "To play with, or simply let hang"
  • Joey, Chandler and Ross dancing to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".
    • The funniest part is how they subtly and gently bounce along, them the "awimbawes" start, and then they start actually dancing.
  • During a Lamaze Class, Carol gets really freaked out about the idea of giving birth. Ross tries to comfort her, leading to this outburst:
    Carol: Oh, what do you know?! No-one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?!"
  • Chandler doesn't understand why people think he's gay:
    Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
    Rachel: Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
    Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.
  • The guys make fun of Monica for dating the much younger Ethan:
    Ross: *Looks at camera* It's MORPHIN' TIME! *crosses wrists*
    Chandler: TRICERATOPS!

     Season 2 
  • Ross trying to drink Carol's breastmilk.
    "Give me the bottle." (squeezes milk onto his arm) "Give me the towel". (wipes the milk off and storms away)
  • Rachel getting attacked by a pigeon in "The One With Phoebe's Husband". Forgot how high Jennifer Aniston can shriek.
    • Made even funnier by her attempts to catch the pigeon.
    Rachel: That's right, you just read the Family Circus *advances on pigeon with a cooking pot* Enjoy the gentle comedy...
    • And when Rachel first meets Phoebe's husband, she opens the pot in surprise, and lets the pigeon go. Phoebe's husband is really impressed, and asks how she did it.
  • In order to convince a Loony Fan that Joey is Dr Drake Remoray's evil twin, Rachel and Monica use some soap opera cliches and throw their drinks at him. Not to be outdone, Chandler yells about the toilet seat and throws his as well.
    Rachel: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me!
    [Throws water in Joey's face]
    Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he DIDN'T!
    [Throws water in Joey's face]
    Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!
    [Throws water in Joey's face]
  • Ross meeting his doppelganger Russ.
  • Paolo's brief reappearance in season 2.
    Ross: What are you doing here?
    Paolo: I do Raquel.
  • TOW The Baby On The Bus
    • In a brief crossover with Caroline in the City, Joey and Chandler meet Caroline when trying to find someone to show Ross's baby Ben to and the mistakes them for a gay couple who adopted a baby.
    Caroline: You know, my brother and his boyfriends have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?
    • Joey and Chandler accidentally leaving Ben on the bus and running after the bus.
    • When they get to transit authorities, the Transit Authority guy assumes that one of them is the father. Their response?
    Chandler: That's me.
    Joey: I'm him.
    Chandler: Actually, uh, [puts his arm around Chandler] we're both the father.
    • When Joey and Chandler go into the room with the babies, they find two of them. However, one is wearing ducks and the other one is wearing clowns. Joey and Chandler flip a coin for the baby. The coin lands on heads, and then we get this:
    Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.
    Joey: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
    Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
    • At the end when Joey and Chandler come home with the baby:
    Ross: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?
    Joey: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.
    Ross: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus—Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?
    Chandler: You, you are gonna love this.
    Ross: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here. Come here.
    Chandler: Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, run!
  • In "TOW The List", though it ends on a Tear Jerker with Rachel's reaction to what Ross thinks are her cons, the boys' panicked trying to keep the list away from her. Particularly Chandler's "reading" the "short story".
    Chandler: It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. "Oh, look," cried Ned. And then the kingdom was his forever, the end!
  • Joey's meeting with Estelle, his agent.
    You wanna see me ecstatic? Here it is. (cracks a really small smile)
  • On "TOW the Prom Video", Chandler attempts to apologize for making fun of the bracelet Joey gave him, only to find that he lost it. He then lifts up the seat cushions, and Joey sees him.
    Chandler: I am here on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in Biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now...
  • Another good one: the gang is watching an old video of "FatMonica"; present-day Monica protests, "Come on, the camera adds ten pounds!"... prompting Chandler to snark, "So how many cameras are actually on you?"
  • Joey and Chandler watching (and acting like) Beavis and Butt-Head.
    • Earlier in the same episode, Phoebe trying to get Chandler and Joey to quit watching the TV for the first time in hours, only for her to flip out and join them when they turn on Xanadu of all things.
  • "TOW the lesbian wedding"
    Monica: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you want to see me cry?
    Phoebe: Sir, no, sir!
  • Phoebe: If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
  • Chandler is so proud of his new laptop's capabilities (see video here), when today it's laughably inadequate compared to a cellphone.
  • Joey is quick on his feet when it looks like Rachel's parents are going to come in contact with one another:
    Phoebe: Well, I guess we're gonna be going out into the hallway now...
    Joey: Thanks for coming, Mrs. Green! *smooch*
    • Her reaction is even better...
      Mrs Green: Well this is the *best* party I've ever been to in years...
      Monica: Thank you!note 
  • In "The One With Ross's New Girlfriend", Joey's tailor turns out to "take advantage" of every customer he has, much to Chandler's horror. Joey is completely oblivious to this:
    Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
    (Chandler and Ross stare at Joey)
    Joey: What? Ross, tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
    Ross: (to Chandler) Yes, yes it is. (to Joey) In PRISON!
    • Joey's Oh, Crap! when he realises the truth moments later. And he eventually decides to call his dad:
    Joey: (on the phone) Dad, I'm telling you! That's not how they measure pants!
    • And in the same episode, Phoebe is asked by Monica to cut her hair. Hilarity Ensues when she doesn't quite understand who Monica wanted her hair like:
    Phoebe: Relax, I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.
    Monica: ...How who wears it?
    Phoebe: Demi Moore.
    Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.
    Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur and in 10.
    Monica: (stands up) That's DUDLEY Moore! I said I wanted it like DEMI Moore!
    Phoebe: Oh. OH!
    Monica: Oh my God!
    Phoebe: Oh my God!
    Monica: OH MY GOD!
    Phoebe: I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'M SORRY! Which one is Demi Moore?
    Monica: She's the actRESS, that was in Disclosure! Indecent Proposal! GHOST!
    Phoebe: Oh! Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
    Phoebe: Oh, I'm...y'know, my mom's...dead...
    Monica: OH MY GOD!
    • They later play it as if she has some horrible disease, with Monica in her room and Phoebe at the door, explaining it'll take some time for her to recover. When Joey asks if he can see her, Phoebe tells him he has such pretty hair that it'll probably set Monica off again. She then tells Ross he can come in. Ross realizes a second later what she is implying.
    • Rachel later uses Phoebe's celebrity confusion when the latter offers to cut Ross's new girlfriend's hair:
    Phoebe: Rachel, just so I don't screw it up again; Andie Mac Dowell is the actress in Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?
    Rachel: Uh, no. That's Roddy Mc Dowell. Andie MacDowell is the actor in Planet of the Apes.
  • The One Where Old Yeller Dies:
    • Phoebe finally sees the end of films her wouldn't let her watch.
    Phoebe: I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh, no! No, no, Travis, put down the gun. No, no, no, no, he... he's your buddy, he's your Yeller! No, no, no, the end! The end!
    Phoebe: Okay, what kind of sick doggie snuff-movie is this?
    Phoebe: What is happening to the world? I mean, because E.T. leaves, and... and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies...
    Richard: Charlotte who?
    Phoebe: With the web. The spider, she dies, she dies. She has babies and dies. It's like, you know: Hey, welcome home from the hospital. Thud.
    Phoebe: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride Of The Yankees. I thought I was gonna see a film about yankee pride, and then, boom! The guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.
    Richard: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?
    Monica: All right, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
    Chandler: Well how do you find clothes that fit?
    Richard: Don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends. They don't start sentences with, "You know who just died shoveling snow?"
    Phoebe: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pet's head off.
    Rachel: I don't know, you tell me! One minute I'm holding Ben like a football. The next thing I know, I've got two kids and I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes!
    Ross: Well I'm sorry. I think about stuff. You know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.
    Richard: But... he gets it back, passes to the middle, lines it up, and... bam! Yes! Could that shot be any prettier?
    Joey: Man, you are incredible!
    Richard: Well, we had a table in college.
    Chandler: Oh, really? I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.
    Richard: Nice moustache, by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.
  • From "The One With Five Steaks and an Eggplant:
    Ross: Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
    Chandler: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number, because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.
    Ross: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls?
    • In the tag scene, the woman calls the apartment again, with Joey laying on the couch instead of Chandler. Originally, Joey was going to answer it, but he tripped on his way to the phone, which was deemed more hilarious, so it was left in.

     Season 3 
  • In "TOW The Princess Leia Fantasy", Ross gets embarrassed that Rachel tells Monica and Phoebe that he secretly wants her to role-play as Princess Leia in her (in)famous gold bikini from Return of the Jedi during sex. After Rachel tells him that sharing is what girls do, he tries it with Chandler, who ends up sharing...a bit too much.
    Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when you're in bed, with a woman.
    Ross: Hmm.
    Chandler: And, ah, you know, you're fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place....
    Chandler: I know! And then all of the sudden your mom pops into your head. And you're like: "Mom?! Get outta here!" You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what you're doing! So it's kinda like, you're, y'know. Y'know...
    [Ross just stares at him in horror]
    Chandler: You don't know!
    Ross: Your mom...? You're telling— you're telling me, abou— about your mom, what is the matter with you?!
    Chandler: YOU SAID—
    Ross: I said "share", not "scare"! Got sit over there.
    [Chandler moves to another chair away from Ross]
    • This becomes a Brick Joke at the end of the episode when Rachel has actually bought a Slave Leia costume and is about to play out Ross's fantasy — when she notices that he has a really weird look on his face.
      Rachel: Honey, what is it? Did I get the hair wrong? Or what? Did you just picture it differently?
      Ross: No, it's not you, it's...
      [cut to Ross's mom stood where Rachel is wearing the exact same clothes and wig]
      Judy Geller as Rachel: Well, what is it? C'mon, sweetie, you're kind of, like, freaking me out here.
      Ross: [nauseated] I hate Chandler. The bastard ruined my life.
    • And for added hilarity if you're a Star Wars fan, Rachel actually DID get the hair wrong.note 
  • "LOOK AT ME, I'M CHANDLER! Could I BE wearing any more clothes?!"
    • Pretty much anything involving Joey, Chandler, and the chair in "TOW No One's Ready".
    Chandler: All right, fine, I'm going, but when I get back it's CHAIR CITY, and I'm the guy who's....s-sitting in a CHAIR!
    • When they accidentally spill hummus on Phoebe's dress, the best she can sputter out in rage is "Oh my God, you...ROTTEN BOYS!"
    • When Monica hacks into Richard's answering machine to erase the past messages and leaves one explaining what happened (even blaming her erratic behaviour on her period), she accidentally saves it as the out-going message. Cue her calling Richard's machine and hearing her message play. Monica's Big "NO!" (twice!) sells it.
    Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number!
    Phoebe: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.
  • Chandler, Joey & Ross talking about Rachel & Mark in "The One With All The Jealousy"
    Chandler: Then she'll be like "I should be with him 'cause he understands me".
    Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, "Oh, man!" And he'll be all, "Yes!" And us, we'll be like "Oh, dude!" And pretty soon you'll be like, "Hi," and, "Well, I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there." And we'll be like, "Man, get over it, it's been four years!"
    Chandler: He paints quite a picture, doesn't he?
  • Ross isn't the only one who falls for That Came Out Wrong. Here's Monica in season 3.
    "I've been wanting to run my own kitchen since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica's Bakery". [Rachel just stares at her waiting if she just heard what she said]
  • Joey appearing in what seemed to be a serious play, until he said "Now, I'm gonna get on this spaceship..."
    • The best part of that was the buildup. Scenes from the play appeared in many episodes throughout the season, and it was made out to be one of those gritty off-off-Broadway productions. Then, after months, the spaceship landed.
  • "The one where Chandler can't remember which sister". He's a kisser when he's drunk.
    Chandler: Look, when Iíve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and Iím sorry.
    Monica: That's okay.
    Rachel: That's all right.
    Ross: That's okay.
  • Monica seeing Joey naked in "The One With The Flashback" ("Here's your glass of penis").
  • Joey has just gouged a hole in Monica's bathroom floor. He then proceeds to cover it with the toilet brush (in its holder). He does it with such a self-satisfied posture, too. Like he genuinely believes that putting an obstruction in the middle of the floor is perfectly okay and Monica won't mind. She then threatens to shove it up his butt. Watch!.
    • And before that when Joey shows her the colour the bathroom floor used to be. She says the below line completely seriously.
      Monica: *Gasps* I can't live like this! What are we gonna do!?
  • In the episode where Monica and Rachel are left in charge of looking after Ross' son, Ben, the girls try to get Ben to laugh by swinging him up and down, only to bump his head against a beam and causes a bumped bruise to appear:
    Rachel: We're not OK. Oh, god. There's a lump on his head.
    Monica: Well push it in! PUSH IT IN!
    Rachel: I cannot push it in!
    • They decide to cover up his bump with a hat. Rachel says "I'll get Rainy Day Bear" and Monica snarks "Because he'll know what to do?" - Rachel wants the hat on the bear's head. When Monica tries to pull the hat off, she ends up ripping the bear's entire head off. Rachel then wails "it's like a blood bath in here today!"
    • A scene later on has Ross discover through Rachel about his son's injury and decides to mess with Monica by telling her that Ben is suddenly no good at the alphabet anymore and he is also walking funny. This causes Monica to break down and shout "OH GOD I WRECKED YOUR BABY!" as she runs in the bedroom to check on Ben. Rachel's snarky, "I hope it's still funny when you're in hell" is funny enough, but then Monica comes back a moment later and chases Ross around for being such a jerk. Cue Laser-Guided Karma on Ross when he smacks his head into the same beam Ben hit his head on.
    • That episode becomes even funnier in hindsight, since Ben starts saying "Monica Bang," basically getting ready to squeal on Monica. Looking back, it almost sounds like he's saying "Monica Bing."
    • And also, that beam is eventually gone in later episodes. Maybe they had it removed because it was such a hazard?
  • The entire football game, including:
    • The story of the Geller Cup in "The one with the football".
    Ross: So Mom forbade us to play and Dad threw the Geller Cup into the lake.
    Chandler: And the curse was lifted?
    • When Monica reveals she fetched the cup from the lake:
    Chandler: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?
    Everyone Else: Yeah.
    Chandler: Okay, good.
    • And also:
    Ross: [To Monica] Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater!
    [Everyone gasps. Ross crossed a line]
    Phoebe: Oh, my GOD!
    • Phoebe's method of distracting Chandler: Lifting up her shirt so he'd stop to look at her boobs. It works.
  • Robin Williams and Billy Crystal appear in the cold open to a third season episode. They weren't scripted to appear, but happened to be nearby at the time of filming, so the producers asked them to step in. The result was an ad-libbed performance that was utterly hilarious.
  • Chandler and Phoebe's conversation about Spider-Man's name:
    Phoebe: Hey, why isn't it Spiderman? Y'know, like Goldman, Silverman?
    Chandler: [confused] Because it- it's not his last name.
    Phoebe: It isn't?
    Chandler: No, it's not like...Phil Spiderman! He's a Spider...Man! Y'know, like, uh, like Goldman is a last name, but there's no gold man!
    Phoebe: Oh okay... There should BE a Gold Man!
    • Even funnier when you see Monica laughing to herself at this conversation.

     Season 4 
  • The entire game that the guys and girls play to win each others apartments in "The One With the Embryos". But most of all, the "lightning round" conclusion:
    Ross: What is Chandler Bing's job?
    *Monica and Rachel are both utterly silent, Joey gets excited while Chandler looks incredulous*
    Rachel: It has something to do with numbers...
    Monica: And processing!
    Rachel: He carries a briefcase!
    Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
    Monica: It... it has something to do with transponding...
    Monica: THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD! No, I can get this, I can get this...
    [Ross stops the timer]
    Rachel: Oh my God....!
    • This becomes a Brick Joke when, in one of the later seasons, Monica finally remembers what Chandler's job is. Of course, this happens after he has left the job.
    • During the game, it's revealed that Joey and Chandler's TV Guide is delivered to a 'Miss Chanandler Bong'.
    • And then Chandler and Joey gliding in to their new apartment triumphantly on the big white dog.
  • Ross and Rachel breaking up again.
    Rachel: By the way, it's NOT that common, it DOESN'T happen to every guy and it IS a big deal!
    Chandler: I knew it!
  • Monica's sex lesson. Not to mention the Brick Joke at the end with Cathy runs into the kitchen and starts dramatically thanking Monica.
  • Chandler, Joey and Monica explaining what happened to them at the beach.
    Ross: Eeww! You peed on yourself?!
    Phoebe & Rachel: Eeww!
    Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't...bend that way. So... (looks over at Joey)
    Ross, Phoebe & Rachel: (beat, then they all turn to Joey) Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!
    • And then Joey's declaration of friendship: "If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you!"
  • Joey and Chandler being robbed blind because Joey was foolish enough to let himself be locked in the giant entertainment unit.
    • Later, when Rachel and Phoebe are listing all the boys' stolen property:
    Joey (playing with a deck of cards) Aw man, he took the five of spades! (gets to the bottom of the deck; perks up) Oh, no, here it is.
  • Ross and Joey ending the segregation in the museum but everyone starts saying Too Much Information about themselves.
    I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.
    I didn't pay for this pear!
    These (her breasts) aren't real!
    I have to flip the light switch on and off 17 times or my family will die!
  • The one where it's revealed that Monica is dating the son of her old fling, Richard.
  • Chandler handcuffed in Rachel's boss' office in his underwear.
    • Then getting revenge by leaving her handcuffed in her underwear.
  • "The One With All The Wedding Dresses" has every scene involving such gowns. Culminating in Rachel, Monica and Phoebe sitting in a couch, drinking beer in bridal wear.
    Phoebe - At least you didn't get yours from a store called "It's Not Too Late".
  • From "The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line," Joey's response to Chandler admitting he was "totally over the line..." note 
    Joey: Over the line? You... you... you're so far past the line that you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!
  • The Book Ends to "The One With All The Haste." At the beginning, there is a singing man in the apartment across the street from Rachel's bedroom who sings in the morning to start the day, which greatly annoys her. At the end of the episode, after Joey and Chandler return to the apartment, Joey is woken up by the same guy, but sings along with him.
  • Hugh Laurie's guest appearance.
    Rachel: Well, I think you're wrong!
    Man on the plane: Oh no! (bites hand)
    • The very last line:
    Man on the plane: And by the way it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a break!
    Rachel: (gasps in shock).
  • In "The One with All the Rugby," Chandler crosses paths with Janice again and can't stand all of her annoying habits anymore. Rather than just say he doesn't want to get back together, he lies about his company transferring him to Yemen soon. It gets harder and harder to maintain this story, as Janice helps him pack and goes with him to the airport. Ultimately, admitting the truth just isn't an option.
    "I'm going to Yemen! [to a fellow passenger] When we get to Yemen, can I live with you?"

     Season 5 
  • Chandler and Phoebe's flirting shenanigans.
  • The season 5 premiere. Chandler and Monica are about to have sex in the plane bathroom. Monica's already there and Chandler's about to follow when Joey shows up and talks his ear off about how he thinks the giant from My Giant is more talented and taller than him.
  • Grandma's Chicken Salad
  • Joey prank-calling Chandler:
    Chandler: Hello, Chandler Bing?
    Joey: Hello, Mr. Bing. I love you.
    Chandler: Look, whoever this is, stop calling. It's been six months, it's not funny!
    Joey: I can see you, Mr. Bing. You look sexy in your new suit.
    Joey: (To Ross) And that's Wednesday!
  • When Joey of all people is the first to figure out that Monica and Chandler are dating, his reaction is priceless.
    Joey: How?! When?!
    Chandler: It happened in London.
    Joey: IN LONDON?!
  • When Emily calls Ross and everyone says hi, she asks who's all there (obviously fishing to see if Rachel is there).
    Emily: Hello everyone! So who am I saying hello to?
    Joey: Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and that's Rachel!
    • And later, when Ross reveals that Rachel is in fact there, Chandler tries to act like they just didn't see her.
    Emily: She's there?!
    Chandler: Oh yeah, there-there she is!
  • Ross buying a new couch.
    Ross: I want my couch to say "Kids welcome" but also say (seductively) "Come here to me".
    Rachel: Oh my God, you say that to KIDS?
    Ross: No, no. It's for the ladies.
    Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch, not a magic couch.
  • "Pivot! Pivot!! PIVOT!" "Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!"
    • On that note, Ross buying a new car on his 30th birthday (in Season 7) except he can't get it out of the sidewalk because it's cornered front and rear. So he gets the gang to "Lift... and slide".
  • Ross' "bits" when he gets his new apartment.
    Joey: Oh looklooklook, Ross is doing his "watching TV" bit.
    (cut to Ross at the window sitting on his couch and watching TV)
    Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watching TV.
    (cut to Ross in his apartment, the TV is off and Ross just grins)
  • "The one with Joey's big break". Phoebe was mad at Ross for some reason and calls him fat-ass but apologizes and says he actually has a cute heinie. For a moment, Ross was actually pleased.
  • The gang noticing Rachel's boyfriend and his sister are a little too close.
    Joey: Guess you're gonna have to break up with him.
    Monica: And call their mother!
  • Pretty much the entire episode of "The One With The New Year's Resolutions". Between Ross's too-small leather pants, his bet with Chandler not being allowed to make fun of his friends, and Phoebe's guitar-teaching methods for Joey, it's hilarious.
  • Ross' painful attempts at flirting with the cute pizza delivery girl who has short hair. She jokes earlier that she has the hair like "eight year old boy". When she comes to deliver pizza to them again, at the door Ross says: "You know I happen to like eight year old boys."
  • Chandler mocking psychologists after Ross was forced to take a sabbatical.
    Chandler: I was forced to go to the office psychologist once. He was all "Maybe your colleagues will like you better if you like yourself better". Who needs that?
    Monica: You do.
    Chandler: I know!
  • Joey starts wearing a bag around to try and improve his credibility as an actor. Chandler and Ross make much with the fun, until eventually Chandler runs out of ways to imply Joey's a woman, and just runs with.
    Rachel: That bag is definitely going to get you the part.
    Chandler: And a date with a man!
  • Rachel finding a naked picture of Monica meant for Chandler but blamed on Joey.
    "He has naked pictures of us, then he eats chicken, and then he looks at them!"
    • Hell, the entire scene is one.
  • Phoebe confronting the lurker in "The One in Vegas".
    Phoebe: I'm gonna be on your ass every hour of every day till Monday because that's when I go home. When do you leave?
    Lurker: Also Monday.
    Phoebe: (in the exact same angry tone) What time? Maybe we can share a cab.
  • "TOW the Kips". Monica and Chandler convincing Joey that it's 9AM when it's really 3. Joey apparently has never been awake at 9.
    • Also in "The One with the Kips". Rachel just convinced Phoebe to form their own group then Ross shows up.
      "Bye, Ross! (whispers) forever."
    • Also, Joey realizing that Monica and Chandler hooked up.
  • 'Don't do the dance.' 'Right!'
  • Monica ducking under the water to stop Joey from discovering her having a bath with Chandler.
  • Chandler repeatedly kissing Rachel and Phoebe whenever he leaves to hide he and Monica's Secret Relationship.
  • "The One With the Thanksgiving Flashbacks" where Chandler found out Monica trying to get revenge on him for calling her fat is the reason he lost his toe.
    Chandler: For a whole year people called me "Sir Limps-A-Lot"!
    Ross: "Sir Limps-A-Lot". I came up with that.
    Joey: You're a dork.
    • The whole episode is just hilarious. The Thanksgiving of 92 where Joey gets his head stuck in a turkey, for instance.
  • "The One Where Everybody Finds Out". Ross is disappointed his bribe to Ugly Naked Guy of a basket of mini muffins wasn't working:
    Ross: Someone sent us a basket at work once, and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.
    Chandler: Your work makes me sad.
    • After Phoebe sees Monica and Chandler having sex from the view out the window, she, along with Rachel (who already knew about them) pretend to be super-excited about Ross possibly getting the apartment to distract him from looking out the window. He even joins in the excitement by the end. It has to be seen to be believed.
      • Before this, Phoebe's amazingly shocked/Squicked reaction to seeing Monica and Chandler having sex. She starts yelling "Chandler and Monica! CHANDLER AND MONICA!" (along with Rachel going "Oh my God!") and then she eventually covers her eyes and yells "MY EYES!"
      Rachel: Phoebe, it's okay! IT'S OKAY!
      Phoebe: NO, THEY'RE DOING IT!!
      Rachel: I know, I know! I know!
      Phoebe: YOU KNOW?
      Ross: Wait. No...! What? What are you doing?! GET OFF MY SISTER!!!
    • The reaction of the group is priceless when they see Ross hanging out with Ugly Naked Guy while being naked himself!
    • Same episode: Chandler and Phoebe seducing each other with Phoebe 'dancing' for him while promising she's 'very bendy', while Chandler just looks terrified the entire time.
  • The episode after, "The One Where The Girl Hits Joey", has the entire opening scene where Ross confronts Chandler and Monica
    • Ross' rather hammy rage throughout the scene for the first half, complete with him sticking his head through the door (which is thankfully bolt locked) ala The Shining:
    Ross: Chander! CHANDLER! I saw what you were doing through the window, I saw what you were doing to my sister, NOW GET OUT HERE!
    • Chandler's reaction to Ross clearly wanting to gut him is priceless:
    Chandler: [quickly] Listen, we had a good run. What was it four, five months? So goodbye, take care, buh-bye then.
    [Chandler kisses Monica on the cheek, then heads for the apartment window]
    Monica: What are you doing?
    • Rachel and Joey arrive after having heard Ross scream:
    Rachel: What's going on?
    Chandler: [staring down an angry Ross] Well I think — I think — Ross knows about me and Monica?
    Joey: [whispering] Dude, he's right there?!
    Everyone Else: [looks at Joey with a Death Glare, especially Chandler]
    Joey: Hey, I'm just talking here, he's the one doing your sister!
  • The subplot to "The One with Joey's Bag" is about Chandler lying to Monica about her terrible massages. He didn't want to hurt her feelings, but when he finally tells her the truth, she starts crying.
    Chandler: Okay, but now see, you're crying.
    Monica: I'm not crying about that. I'm crying about something that happened at work.
    Chandler: What?
    Monica: My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages!
    Chandler: It's okay. You don't have to be the best at everything.
  • "The One with Chandler's Work Laugh" sees Ross so angry about Emily getting married to someone else that he wanders off and ends up hooking up with Janice.
    Janice: Okay, okay, I know what you all are thinking, but Chandler is in Yemen! I'm a young woman. I have needs. I can't wait forever.
    • When Joey and the others question him about what he's done, Ross says he and Janice actually have a lot in common.
      Phoebe: So, are you actually gonna see her again?
      Joey: Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head.
      Ross: I am gonna see her again.
      Joey: Dammit, Phoebe!
    • Janice breaks up with Ross because he keeps complaining about the various problems he's endured this season. The idea that he's become so whiny that Janice can't stand to be around him is a wake-up call for him.
    • Monica's fake laugh.
  • In "The One With The Ride Along" Rachel happens to be in Ross's apartment when Emily leaves a message saying she's thinking of backing out of her wedding. She calls Monica over to discuss whether they should tell Ross or delete the message:
    Monica: She's obviously unstable, okay? She's thinking of running out on her wedding day. (Rachel turns to glare at her with pursed lips: she did that in the pilot. Monica sees this.) Okay, fine! But look at the position she's putting him in. And what's he gonna do? Like, Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage? Who would do that? (Rachel claps her hands, sighs, and turns with another glare: she did that in the previous season finale) Okay, fine, alright? But, y'know, that was different. Although it did involve a lot of the same people.

     Season 6 
  • Rachel's boyfriend Paul dancing in front of a mirror. "I'm just a love machine. YEAH BABY, HUUUUUUUAAAA!" And yeah, Paul is played by Bruce Willis! Best part? Ross is listening to it all under the bed...
    • Even better since Ross repeats it later to Paul, using it as blackmail so he can continue dating Elizabeth.
  • "Hurry, The Angelica! Go! Go!"
  • This one:
    Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
    Joey: [looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?!
    Phoebe: No, Barry and Mindy.
    Joey: Oh, sorry. I hear "divorce," I immediately go to Ross.
  • "TOW where Phoebe runs" Chandler cleaned Monica's apartment without her permission. Ross, then Monica arrive.
    Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, no! You can't come in here. Ross is naked!
    Monica: What?!
    Ross: What?!
    Chandler: I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed to see me naked.
    Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked?
    Monica: Why is Ross naked?
    Ross: I had to... show Chandler something.
    Monica: Naked?
    Ross: Yeah, I uh... I guess I have a, uh... a guy problem.
    Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had?
    Chandler: Look, just come back later. We'll get everything squared away and you can come back later.
    Monica: Okay. Hey, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine left under the sink in the bathroom. Bye.
    Chandler: Bye-bye. Thank God.
    Ross: Dude, what'd you have?
  • Hilarity Ensues when Ross leaves teeth whitener on a whole day.
    • Phoebe's reaction:
      Phoebe: Ross, could you put up some of these flyers for me?
      Ross: Yeah. (smiles at Phoebe)
      Phoebe: NO! DEMON! DEMON!
  • Ross & Chandler giving Joey advice on how to repel women.
    Chandler: They don't like it when you explain why your joke is funny.
    Ross: They don't like it when you talk about science.
    Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.
    Ross: I'm never gonna find love again.
  • The moment Chandler gives Monica a late Valentines present of a mix tape he randomly found and doesn't even know the contents of, you know it's going to backfire for him somehow. And boy does it ever!
  • Monica's intensity is always a sight to behold such as the time she tried to get Rachel to cry when she told her that she and Chandler are moving in together.
    Monica: It's the end of an era, you might say.
    Rachel: Mon, are you okay? You're not blinking.
  • Joey going to auditions with a hernia in "The One Where Joey Loses his Insurance".
    (puts hand down his pants to relieve the pain) Hey Timmy, I've got a surprise for you.
  • Joey trying to make Chandler cry by telling a story of a 3-legged puppy.
    Joey: What if it looked up at you and said "Help me, Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."
    Chandler: Cry? I just found a talking puppy. I'm rich!
  • Ross' efforts at impressing Elizabeth's father totally failing.
    Paul: It's just I didn't know you were married.
    Rachel: (comes back from the bathroom) Oh, we were but it was just this big drunken mistake,
    Paul: You two were married?!
  • Ross, Monica and Rachel's fake accents.
  • Joey discussing his broken fridge:
    Joey: It's like we got a divorce, and I got to keep the kid... and now the kid died, and I gotta buy a new kid.
    Chandler: ...Okay...?
    Joey: Or, you could just, y'know...(pushes Ross not-so-subtly into his fridge)
    Ross: (beat) What the hell are you doing...?!
    Joey: (feigning outrage) What the hell am I doing?! You just broke my fridge!!
    Ross: What? Wha- How do you know it's- how do you know it's even broken?!
    Joey: Oh, you think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me - (quickly checks his fridge) Ohhh, whaddya know! Broken! That'll be four hundred dollars.
    Chandler: Joey, I saw you push him!
    • From the same episode, Phoebe, Monica and Chandler are competing to get Rachel a date for a charity ball her work is throwing. When trying to settle which guy they've chosen is better:
      Phoebe: Have you seen your guy's body?
      Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head.
  • An extended series of awkward reveals:
    Ross: Well, I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me. I'm sorry.
    Mrs. Geller: It was you?
    Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys, Ross did!
    Ross: Yeah, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did!
    Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year!
    Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
    Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced! AGAIN!
    Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
    Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
    Mrs. Geller: . . . That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. [stands up] Alright. Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did NOT taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. And Monica, why you decided to hide such an important relationship from us is beyond me.
    Mr. Geller: And we kind of figured about the porch swing.
    Mrs. Geller: Ross. Drugs? Divorced, again?
    Mr. Geller: What happened, son?
    Ross: I...I, uh, I got...tricked into all those things!
  • TOW That Could Have Been: Alternate Chandler and Monica talking about having sex. Their normal selves are awkward enough at these things, but with Monica shyer and fat, and Chandler extra-geeky and even more insecure than usual, it's taken Up to Eleven. Watch their nervous discussion on whether they have 'moves'...They really don't.
    • Alternate Rachel freaking out when she sees Days of our Lives star Joey Tribbiani in the coffee shop:
    Monica: Rach, heís a friend of ours.
    Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
    Chandler: Well itís kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that heís not real.
    • Rachel finds out that Monica is still a virgin:
    Rachel: Monica? You've done it, right?
    Monica: (laughs nervously) Of course I have. What do you think, I'm like some 30-year-old virgin?
    Rachel: Oh, my God! You're a 30-year-old virgin!
    Monica: Say it louder! I don't think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
    Guy in the back: Yeah, I heard it.
  • Two words: THE ROUTINE.
  • In "The One on the Last Night", after a night of arguing with Rachel, Monica realizes how much she is going to miss her when she leaves — and ruins what otherwise would have been a Tear Jerker moment with a nice bit of Bathos:
    Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel - starts to well up) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave! (breaks down) And I have to live with a BOOOOOYYYYY!

     Season 7 
  • Phoebe singing along as Ross plays the bagpipes. Jennifer Aniston is trying her hardest not to laugh during that scene. Her lyric is basically "EEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEE! EEEE! EEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Even funnier in the outtake, where she can't stop laughing. In fact, if you look at the scene, Lisa Kudrow just can't seem to keep a straight face while 'singing'.
    • Earlier in the episode, we get Chandler and Monica's mortification when they hear Ross practicing his bagpipes across the street.
      Monica: Why is your family Scottish?!
      Chandler: Why is your family Ross?!
    • There's also the time Ross decides to play the keyboard...with animal noises and helicopter sounds...
  • Rachel's old college friend revealing then denying her love for Rachel.
    Melissa: I'm obviously kidding. I'm not in love with you. I'm not in love with her. I don't hear coconuts banging together. You know, I don't...picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend.
  • Were you on a poster for gonorrhea?
  • Ross imitating a velociraptor.
  • The scene where Rachel and Phoebe help Monica shop for her wedding dress during a sale.
  • Ross' "The bike is dying speech" especially the end when the seemingly unfazed Phoebe pleads for her bike not to die after Ross leaves.
  • Ross and Joey becoming "nap partners".
  • From "The One With Rachel's Assistant":
    Ross: Chandler joined a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won!
    Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!
    • Earlier in that scene:
    Ross: Well, Chandler and I were at a bar...
    Chandler: Did you not hear me say "DU-UDE"?!
    Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he goes over to her and after a minute or two I see them kissing... And I know what you're thinking: Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls...
    Monica: YOU KISSED A GUY?!?!
    Chandler: In my defense, it was dark, and he was a very pretty guy!
  • Special mention goes to this scene from "TOW The Holiday Armadillo". Ross had to buy an armadillo costume because there were no Christmas costumes left at the store (in order to teach his son Ben about Hanukkah). Chandler then shows up dressed like Santa Claus:
    Ross: [dressed as the Holiday Armadillo] What are you doing here, Santa?
    Chandler: [dressed as Santa] Why I'm here to visit my old buddy Ben! What are you doing here?... weird... turtle man?
    Monica: Ben, why don't you come over here and open some more presents while Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
    • When Chandler prepares to return the Santa outfit:
    Chandler: Santa? Really?
    Monica: Yeah, is that okay?
    Chandler: Did ever dress up as Santa?
    Monica: No.
    Chandler: [in his Santa voice] Then it's oh-kaaay!
    • "My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt!"
      • The smug look and nod on Joey's face here just makes it.
      • "The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part!"
  • Chandler wants sex advice:
    Chandler: Joey, you've had a lot of sex, right?
    Joey: (confused) What, today? Some...not a lot.
  • A rare Chandler/Rachel subplot features them constantly swiping their neighbor's cheesecake and eating it for themselves, falling so in love with the taste that they eat it off of the floor after dropping it in the hallway.
    • And when they're on the floor, Joey walks in on them. He stares down at them, before crouching to their level...while taking out a fork of his own and asking what they're having.
  • Hypothesizing what would have happened if Joey and Monica had hooked up.
    Monica: Honey? Dinner's Ready!
    (A massively overweight Joey waddles onto the screen)
    Joey: What's my little chef got for me, tonight?
    Monica: Your favorite!
    Joey: Hoo Hoo Hoo! Fried stuff with cheese!
  • Joey puts on shades before going to film his World War One movie, to avoid his co-star spitting in his eyes:
    Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray-Ban was the official sponsor of World War One.
  • Rachel never met Chandler's dad, who is a Drag Queen, and mistakes a woman for him:
    Rachel : Hi! I'm Rachel! I'm a friend of Monica and Chandler's!
    Amanda : I'm Amanda.
    Rachel : Oh I get it! A man, duh!
  • In "TOW Rosita Dies", Monica's things from her childhood get ruined because her dad puts her boxes in front of his Porsche to divert water when the garage flooded. Feeling guilty and wanting to make up for making Monica think that she was The Unfavorite, he gives her the Porsche. Ross's reaction makes the scene more than just a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming.
    Monica: What?
    Ross: WHAT?!!
    Ross: Whoa, w-w-wait-wait a minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a PORSCHE?!
    Jack: Why don't we take it for a spin?
    Monica: Alright!
    Ross: Wh-what about me?! I'M A MEDICAL MARVEL!
  • When Kathleen Turner first appears as Chandler's dad:
    Monica: (shocked that Chandler's dad looks like an attractive woman) That can't be your father.
    Chandler: Believe me, I've been saying that for years.
  • "The One Where They All Turn 30" is just one laugh after another- Joey repeatedly making "deals" with God to prevent him and the gang from aging (and him crying when he realizes that isn't working), Monica getting blitz drunk on her 30th birthday, and Tag and Joey fighting over a scooter. And when Tag lays down the ground rules, one of the things they shouldn't say is "They still look pretty damn good", and Joey replies "They do!".
    • And from Monica's flashback, Phoebe: "Here, help me get this thing off!" Joey: "Yeah!"
    • The extremely inappropriate card that Chandler got Rachel.
      "Happy birthday, Grandma. It's better to be over the hill than buried under it."
  • Part of "The One Where Rosita Dies" is Phoebe getting a job as a telemarketer and the first person she calls (Earl, played by Jason Alexander) reveals he's contemplating suicide. Without giving his name, he explains he's stuck in a meaningless office and that none of his co-workers know he exists.
    Phoebe: Chandler?
    • Earl proves his point that no one cares about him by publicly announcing his intention to kill himself and not a single person in the crowded office batting an eye.
    • Phoebe manages to track down where Earl works and gets into his office. When she asks a staffer for him, the person has no idea who she's talking about.
      Earl: [a few desks away] I'M RIGHT HERE!

     Season 8 
  • "The One With the Rumor" has both the title rumor and all related implications, and Joey arriving with elastic pants (where it's clear that Brad Pitt is cracking up).
  • Phoebe's outburst after not managing to get to the highest score in the Ms. Pacman she has given to Chandler and Monica as a wedding gift to erase the obscene names Chandler had used when reaching them so that Ben couldn't see them.
    • Made all the better by Ross' horrified reaction.
      • Ross's? Ross and Ben enter the room and his jaw drops as Phoebe explodes "[NO! YOU SON OF A] BITCH, MOTHER FUCKING (Ross covers Ben's ears) ASSHOLE!" and all he can see is Phoebe losing her shit.
      • Monica just facepalms and Chandler mimics covering his ears to Ben.
      • A woman singing at the opera, in French is playing over this.
    • As well as Phoebe's response:
    • From the same episode, Chandler realising his hand is locked into a claw from playing too much Ms. Pacman.
    Chandler: My hand is messed up!
  • The one where Rachel shows a video of Ross begging her to get it on, only to find out everyone know about her technique involving 'the video of her vacation in Europe', and that Joey started it.
    Rachel: It can't be! She said she heard it from some guy!
    Joey: *raises hand* Some guy! *points to self*
    Rachel: But, but, but, she said his name was Ken Adams!
    Joey: *Raises hand and points to himself again* Ken Adams!
  • Rachel jealous over a girl showing interest in Ross
    "Horny bitch. (Ross and the girl look at her. Rachel pretends to play with the toys she's carrying) No, you're a horny bitch! No, you're a horny bitch!"
  • The gang finding out about Ross' affair with his elderly high school librarian.
    "Her eyes did still sparkle..."
  • Ross, dressed as "Spud-nik", being mistaken as "Doodie" by Joey during the Season 8 Halloween episode. All the better because Joey ticks him off so much that Ross actually waddles over to beat Joey up (only being stopped when Chandler holds him back).
    Joey: What's Sputnik, Doodie-man?
  • Rachel and Ross are at the OB/GYN, and are having a discussion over the fact that Rachel has been quite irritable because her due date is past already. Ross comes up with this great line.
    Ross: You know, we should ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half PURE EVIL!
  • In "The One with the Stripper", Monica accidentally hires a hooker instead of a stripper for Chandler's (belated) bachelor party. Meanwhile, Rachel's father finds out that Ross got Rachel pregnant, and goes to confront him when he's with his new girlfriend, Mona:
    Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! Iím gonna kill you!
    Ross: Yíknow this is actually not a great time for me.
    Dr. Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant!
    Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?!
    Ross: Who did?!
    Dr. Green: You did!
    Ross: Yes. Yes, yes I did. (To Mona) But-but it was, it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing.
    Dr. Green: Oh? Really? Thatís what my daughter means to you? Nothing?
    Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I careóI-I love Rachel.
    Mona: What?!
    Ross: (to Mona) Oh but not that way. I mean... I mean Iím not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend.
    Dr. Green: Oh really? Thatís how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?
    Ross: (to Dr. Green) Hey! I offered to marry her!
    Mona: Wha...
    Ross: (To Mona) But I didnít want to.
    Dr. Green: Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?!
    Mona: Tramp?!
    Ross: Iím sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
    • The scene cuts to Chandler and Joey who don't know what to do about the hooker, than back to Ross:
    Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me?
    Ross: I was going to tell you, butÖ
    Dr. Green: But what?! You figured youíd get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel!
    Ross: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! (To Mona) Nor are we still together. (The phone rings and Ross goes to answer it, only heís trapped behind the apothecary table by Dr. Green) Can I just... (Dr. Green glares at him) Why donít we just let the machine get that?
    Joey: (on machine) Hey Ross. Itís Joey. Thereís a hooker over here and we thought maybe youíd know something about it.
    Ross: No! No! No! No! No! I-I-I-IóI need to, I need to lie down.
  • When Rachel and Ross discuss potenential baby names, Phoebe chimes in with, "If it's a girl, Phoebe. If it's a boy, Phoebo." Later, Rachel asks her OB/GYN, "You could tell us whether itís a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?" The doctor then gets beeped and leaves the room. On her way out the door, she turns around and adds, "I know it's really not my place, but please don't name your child Phoebo."
  • Phoebe's weird date.
    Jim: I write erotic novels... for children.
    Phoebe: What?
    Jim: They're wildly unpopular.
    Phoebe: Oh my God!
    Jim: Also, you might be interested to know that I have a Ph.D.
    Phoebe: Wow, you do?
    Jim: Yep, a pretty HUUUGE
    Phoebe: Alright. (leaves)
  • Joey proposing to Phoebe who he believes is pregnant.
    "I think he would know after a few months that you're not pregnant."
    "It's Joey!" (mouths "I love you" to Joey and he smiles)
  • Joey's ultra-delayed reaction to the reveal at the end of "The One With The Red Sweater".
  • Once Ross reveals Rachel is pregnant despite a condom:
    Ross: I just found out that condoms are only, like, 97% effective.
    Joey: What.
    Ross: I gotta go find her. [starts to leave]
    Joey: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they donít even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!
    Ross: Evidently they do.
    Joey: WHAT?! [Grabs a huge roll of condoms from his pocket to look]

     Season 9 
  • This gem from "TOW Phoebe's Birthday Dinner", when Rachel is panicking about accidentally leaving Emma locked in Ross' apartment.
    Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinett?
    Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.
    Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running!
    Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
    Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
    Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996!
    Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there!
    • And Rachel's reaction to this speech is the cherry on a cake.
    Rachel: (Beat) Boy, you're gonna be sorry if that's true.
    • And Rachel's fear of a bird flying into the apartment could be a Call Back to "TOW Phoebe's Husband" way back in Season 2 - where a pigeon really did fly into the apartment.
  • Phoebe's birthday where everyone is late and Rachel can't leave Emma at home so she has Ross's mother bring her to the restaurant with them. She stops in the middle of a toast to signal that Emma dropped her sock, leading to...
    Phoebe: Oh, for God's sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! PICK UP THE SOOOCK!
    • And shortly after this she gives her friends a verbal put-down and makes a dramatic exit before calling "Judy, bye!" and getting a drunken wave from her in response.
  • Chandler and Ross' trip to Vermont, where Ross tries to take as many of the hotel's amenities as possible. The opening bit with Ross on a sugar high from eating too much maple candy is also a real gem.
    Chandler: Look, they are totally ripping us off!
    Ross: Dude, don't worry about it, I know how we can make your money back. This is a nice hotel y'know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on those. Like those apples, instead of taking one, um, I take six!
    Chandler: Great. At $100 an apple we're there!
    Ross: C'mon, y-you get the idea, you know? W-we'll make our money back in no time.
    Chandler: Dude, you're shaking!
    Ross: I-I think it's the sugar, can you hold the apple?
  • Phoebe meets Mike's parents.
    • In the same episode, Joey considers moving into Richard's old apartment, but while over there, he and Chandler find a tape with Monica's name on it.
      Joey: Ooh, a tape with a girl's name on it. It's probably a sex tape. Wait a minute, this says "Monica." And this is Richard's apartment. [keeps trying to figure out what it means]
      Chandler: Get there faster!
      [Joey finally figures it out and screams]
  • In the episode "The One With The Memorial Service" when Chandler tries to take revenge on Ross for telling a college website he was "gay as the day is long".
    Monica: What are you going to do?
    Chandler: OH YOU'LL SEE MY FRIEND!
    • He writes that Ross died watching blimps.
      Ross: I'm DEAD?!
      Chandler: (faking sympathy) And so young!
      Ross: Posting that I died, that really isn't funny!
      Chandler: Well, how you died was funny.
      Ross: Oh, please. "Hit by a blimp?"
      Chandler: It kills over one Americans every year!
    • Ross finds that no one cared enough to post anything his supposed death. When Chandler notes that a website isn't the proper venue to express grief, Ross sets up a sudden memorial at Chandler and Monica's apartment to milk some sympathy. Attendance is so bad that the first guy to show up is actually there for the supposedly gay Chandler and thinks Monica is actually a man.
      Ross: I'm dead and no one cares?
      Monica: I look like a man?
      Chandler: Please, one ridiculous problem at a time!
      Ross: This isn't ridiculous. Look around. No one's here.
      Chander: You gave them one day's notice. Not everyone in our class checks the website every day. And, Monica, it's probably the way you stand!
      [Monica adjusts her posture]
    • The one person who does show up for Ross is Kori Weston, an attractive woman that Chandler remembers.
      Chandler: Chandler, Chandler Bing. And I'm not gay. I'm not gay at all.
      Monica: You are married, though.
      Chandler: [to Kori] Don't listen to him. He's in a really bad mood.
  • Chandler accidentally infecting Ross ' laptop with a virus while looking for porn.
    Nude photos of Anna Kournikova? She's never even won a major tournament!
  • Joey not understanding the concept of "air quotes".
    • And immediately after that, Joey tries to get Ross to punch him to square things for the whole proposal mix-up with Rachel. It doesn't end well for Ross.
      • And the whole time, Gunther is watching what Ross is being put through and smiling.
  • "The One With The Lottery" has this gem.
    Monica: Hey, you just got in here five minutes ago!
    Ross: THREE minutes ago! ...I don't know why that was important.
    • After a meal, they break the wishbone and Joey makes a wish. The gang doesn't win the lottery, but Chandler does get offered a new job. Joey says he used his wish for that and Chandler thanks him before saying:
      Chandler: Listen, don't tell Monica or she'll rip your heart right out.
      [Joey nods]

     Season 10 
  • Joey on Donnymid.
    (The word is 'cream'.)
    Gene: You put this in your coffee.
    Joey: A spoon! Your hands! Your face!
    Gene: It's white.
    Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
    • And then the new word is 'mayonnaise'.
    Gene: You put this on a sandwich.
    Joey: Salami! Anchovies! Jam!
    Gene: It's white.
    Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
    Gene: It's made from eggs.
    Joey: Chickens!?
    • And later on:
    Joey: Why would there be a ghost in my fridge?
  • Chandler's reaction to learning, just as his and Monica's surrogate is about to give birth, that she's going to have twins:
    Monica: Chandler, you're panicking!
    Chandler: Uh huh! JOIN ME, won't you?!
  • Rachel's dad recovering from a heart attack.
    Leonard: Hello, Ross. Get anymore of my daughters pregnant?
    Ross: No, no, just the one.
    • From the same episode: Joey trying to learn French. Yes, it makes him super dumb, more than he ever was, but his interactions with Phoebe the teacher, the voice on the self-learning tape and the director of the play are hilarious.
  • The whole incident with Gladys.
  • In TOW The Cake Joey forgets to get Emma a present for her first birthday and decides read a dramatic monologue from one of her books, at first every one seems disapointed and annoyed by this idea. He reduces the entire room to tears.
    Judy Geller: Jack, look at this.
    Jack Geller: I know what you're thinking, Judy. The resemblance is uncanny.
  • In "TOW Rachel's Going Away Party" Rachel says goodbye to everyone individually, reducing them all to tears. Except Joey.
    [Rachel & Joey are on the balcony, everyone else is inside watching.]
    Ross: God, I can't believe she saved me for last. Why are they taking so long?
    Phoebe: I dunno, but Joey seems to taking it surprisingly well.
    [As Rachel heads back inside, Joey turns and starts to get ready to jump off the balcony. Rachel pulls him back when everyone else runs forward to stop Joey.]
  • From "TOW Princess Consuela", Ross complains of Rachel meeting Mark again, and the two of them going out to dinner as friends (it is eventually revealed that he is now Happily Married with newborn twins). We get this from Chandler:
    Chandler: It's seven years ago. My time machine works!
  • From "TOW Phoebe's Wedding", Joey has been asked to walk Phoebe down the aisle, thus filling in as the "dad". He attempts to make small-talk with Mike's parents at the rehearsal dinner:
    Joey: Ah, our little ones are growing up fast, huh?
    Mike's Father: How's that?
    Joey: I mean on the one hand you're happy for them, but on the other hand it's hard to let go.
    Mike's Father: Who in God's name are you?
    Joey: Hey, I'm not too fond of you either, okay, buddy? But I'm just trying to be nice for the kids!
    • And later, when Monica (the wedding planner) is trying to tell Phoebe how to give her the middle of the speech, this is the final straw:
      Phoebe: Okay, okay, I, okay, I—MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS!! This is MY wedding! Okay, I don't want this (mimes Monica twirling her hands) or this (mimes Monica tapping her watch) or THIS (mimes Monica going "cut!"), okay?! I just wanted a simple wedding, WHERE MY FIANCE COULD GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS!!!
  • From "TOW Rachel's Sister Baby-Sits", Joey's attempt at using a thesaurus on his adoption recommendation.
    Chandler: I don't, uh, understand.
    Joey: Some of the words are a little too sophisticated for ya?
    Monica: It doesn't make any sense.
    Joey: Of course it does, it's smart! I used the the-saurus!
    Chandler: On every word?!
    Joey: Yep!
    Monica: Alright, what was this sentence originally?
    Joey: Oh, "They are warm, nice people with big hearts."
    Joey: Yeah, yeah. And hey, I really mean it, dude.
    Monica: Hey, Joey, I don't think we can use this.
    Joey: Why not?
    Monica: Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani".
  • Joey's Japandering ad.
  • In "The Last One," Monica handing the mover some money to get rid of the ceramic dog she's always loathed.
    If it fell off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.

  • Lisa Kudrow's (Phoebe's) laugh. Priceless.
  • David Schwimmer has a knack for physical comedy second to none. Frequently unscripted.
    • In "The One With the Prom Video" he trips going up a flight of stairs.
    • In "The One With the German Laundry Detergent" he gets hit in the head by the door to a dryer and falls down.
    • In "The One With the Giant Poking Device" he runs into a wall.
    • In "The Last One" he's running to the ticket counter at an airport and sprints through the twisty turny roped off line.
    • Every time he gets into a tanning booth in "The One With Ross's Tan".
    • Getting kicked repeatedly by someone on a swingset, sending him flying in "The One with the Home Study".
    • It's a minor one, but in "The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS," once Ross finally gets estranged wife Emily on the phone, he gets so excited that he shushes everyone and then hands Chandler a lamp for no reason at all. It's random and hilarious.
  • A lot of Phoebe's songs.
    "He was a double double / double jointed boy"
    "And tegrin spelled backward is nirget"
    "He must decide / He must decide / Even though I made him up, he must decide!"
    • And four different songs in the first half of "The One After the Super Bowl"
      Now Grandma's a person who everyone likes,
      She bought you a train and a bright shiny bike.
      Well, lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
      And the last time you saw her she looked so much thinner...
      Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
      But the truth is she died, and someday you will too.

      There'll be times when you get older
      When you'll want to sleep with people
      Just to make them like you...
      But don't!
      Because that's another thing that you don't wanna do,
      That's another thing that you don't wanna do.

      Now the cow in the meadow goes "Moo."
      Now the cow in the meadow goes "Moo."
      Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
      And that's how we get hamburgers!
      "Nowwww, chickens!"

      Sometimes men love women,
      And sometimes men love men,
      And then there are bisexuals,
      But some just say they're kidding themselves...
      • Furthermore, these were songs she wrote to sing to children. Doubles as heartwarming when the children she was performing for track her down because they like that her songs speak the truth, rather than the mushy material they are used to.
  • The ladies' "reunion" on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Specially once the dialogue starts Waxing Lyrical on "I'll Be There For You".
  • There's one that was so funny, it ended up funny-ing itself right out of the story, which we only know existed thanks to the gag reel. In the episode where Monica is making her Mocklate Chip Cookies, Phoebe eats one and says, "This must be what evil tastes like." However, we see in the gag reel that the original line was "Jesus, Monica, these are the cookies they serve in hell!" The line had to be changed because Lisa Kudrow simply could not say the line without laughing.
  • This Black Comedy cast interview with Funny Or Die News. Even if it's fake it's still hilarious.