Also in that episode, Chandler's attempts to flirt with Victoria's Secret model Jill Goodacre start off inauspiciously.
Chandler: (thinking) "Gum would be perfection"? "Gum would be perfection". Could have said "gum would be nice", could have said "I'll have a stick", but no no no no no. To me, gum is "perfection"! I loathe myself.(Head Desk)
"Give me the bottle." (squeezes milk onto his arm) "Give me the towel". (wipes the milk off and storms away)
Rachel getting attacked by a pigeon in "The One With Phoebe's Husband". Forgot how high Jennifer Aniston can shriek.
Made even funnier by her attempts to catch the pigeon.
Rachel: That's right, you just read the Family Circus *advances on pigeon with a cooking pot* Enjoy the gentle comedy...
And when Rachel first meets Phoebe's husband, she opens the pot in surprise, and lets the pigeon go. Phoebe's husband is really impressed, and asks how she did it.
In order to convince a fan that Joey is Dr Drake Remoray's evil twin, Rachel and Monica use some soap opera cliches and throw their drinks at him. Not to be outdone, Chandler yells about the toilet seat and throws his as well.
Rachel: "Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me."
(Throws water in Joey's face)
Monica: "And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't."
When Joey and Chandler go into the room with the babies, they find two of them. However, one is wearing ducks and the other one is wearing clowns. Joey and Chandler flip a coin for the baby. The coin lands on heads, and then we get this:
On "TOW the Prom Video", Chandler attempts to apologize for making fun of the bracelet Joey gave him, only to find that he lost it. He then lifts up the seat cushions, and Joey sees him.
Chandler: I am here on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in Biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now...
Another good one: the gang is watching an old video of "FatMonica"; present-day Monica protests, "Come on, the camera adds ten pounds!"... prompting Chandler to snark, "So how many cameras are actually on you?"
Mrs Green: Well this is the *best* party I've ever been to
Monica:Thank you!note Everyone had found Monica's party boring
In "The One With Ross's New Girlfriend", Joey's tailor turns out to "take advantage" of every customer he has, much to Chandler's horror. Joey is completely oblivious to this:
Joey:That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
(Chandler and Ross stare at Joey)
Joey: What? Ross, tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
Ross:(to Chandler) Yes, yes it is. (to Joey) In PRISON!
Joey's Oh Crap when he realises the truth moments later. And he eventually decides to call his dad:
Joey:(on the phone) Dad, I'm telling you! That's not how they measure pants!
And in the same episode, Phoebe is asked by Monica to cut her hair. Hilarity Ensues when she doesn't quite understand who Monica wants her hair like, making a spectacular failure out of it:
Phoebe: Relax, I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it. Monica: ...How who wears it? Phoebe:Demi Moore. Monica: Demi Moore is not a he. Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur and in 10. Monica:(stands up) That's DUDLEY Moore! I said I wanted it like DEMI Moore! Phoebe: Oh. OH! Monica: Oh my God! Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica: OH MY GOD! Phoebe: I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'M SORRY! Which one is Demi Moore? Monica: She's the actRESS, that was in Disclosure!Indecent Proposal!GHOST! Phoebe: Oh! Oh, she's got gorgeous hair. Monica:I KNOW! THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO LOOK LIKE HER!! Phoebe: Oh, I'm...y'know, my mom's...dead... Monica:OH MY GOD!
Pretty much anything involving Joey, Chandler, and the chair in "TOW No One's Ready".
Chandler: All right, fine, I'm going, but when I get back it's CHAIR CITY, and I'm the guy who's....s-sitting in a CHAIR!
When they accidentally spill hummus on Phoebe's dress, the best she can sputter out in rage is "Oh my God, you...ROTTEN BOYS!"
When Monica hacks into Richard's answering machine to erase the past messages and leaves one explaining what happened (even blaming her erratic behaviour on herperiod), she accidentally saves it as the out-going message. Cue her calling Richard's machine and hearing her message play. Monica's Big "NO!" (twice!) sells it.
Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number!
Phoebe: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.
Chandler, Joey & Ross talking about Rachel & Mark in "The One With All The Jealousy"
Chandler: Then she'll be like "I should be with him 'cause he understands me".
Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, "Oh, man!" And he'll be all, "Yes!" And us, we'll be like "Oh, dude!" And pretty soon you'll be like, "Hi," and, "Well, I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there." And we'll be like, "Man, get over it, it's been four years!"
"I've been wanting to run my own kitchen since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica's Bakery". [Rachel just stares at her waiting if she just heard what she said]
Joey appearing in what seemed to be a serious play, until he said "Now, I'm gonna get on this spaceship..."
The best part of that was the buildup. Scenes from the play appeared in many episodes throughout the season, and it was made out to be one of those gritty off-off-Broadway productions. Then, after months, the spaceship landed.
"The one where Chandler can't remember which sister". He's a kisser when he's drunk.
Chandler: Look, when Iíve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and Iím sorry.
Monica seeing Joey naked in "The One With The Flashback" ("Here's your glass of penis").
Joey has just gouged a hole in Monica's bathroom floor. He then proceeds to cover it with the toilet brush (in its holder). He does it with such a self-satisfied posture, too. Like he genuinely believes that putting an obstruction in the middle of the floor is perfectly okay and Monica won't mind. She then threatens to shove it up his butt. Watch!.
And before that when Joey shows her the colour the bathroom floor used to be. She says the below line completely seriously.
Monica: *Gasps* I can't live like this! What are we gonna do!?
In the episode where Monica and Rachel are left in charge of looking after Ross' son, Ben, the girls try to get Ben to laugh by swinging him up and down, only to bump his head against a beam and causes a bumped bruise to appear:
Rachel: We're not OK. Oh, god. There's a lump on his head.
Monica: Well push it in! PUSH IT IN!
Rachel: I cannot push it in!
They decide to cover up his bump with a hat. Rachel says "I'll get Rainy Day Bear" and Monica snarks "Because he'll know what to do?" - Rachel wants the hat on the bear's head. When Monica tries to pull the hat off, she ends up ripping the bear's entire head off. Rachel then wails "it's like a blood bath in here today!"
A scene later on has Ross discover through Rachel about his son's injury and decides to mess with Monica by telling her that Ben is suddenly no good at the alphabet anymore and he is also walking funny. This causes Monica to break down and shout "OH GOD I WRECKED YOUR BABY!" as she runs in the bedroom to check on Ben. Rachel's snarky, "I hope it's still funny when you're in hell" is funny enough, but then Monica comes back a moment later and chases Ross around for being such a jerk. Cue Laser-Guided Karma on Ross when he smacks his head into the same beam Ben hit his head on.
That episode becomes even funnier in hindsight, since Ben starts saying "Monica Bang," basically getting ready to squeal on Monica. Looking back, it almost sounds like he's saying "Monica Bing."
The story of the Geller Cup in "The one with the football".
Ross: So Mom forbade us to play and Dad threw the Geller Cup into the lake.
Chandler: And the curse was lifted?
Robin Williams and Billy Crystal appear in the cold open to a third season episode. They weren't scripted to appear, but happened to be nearby at the time of filming, so the producers asked them to step in. The result was an ad-libbed performance that was utterly hilarious.
The entire game that the guys and girls play to win each others apartments in "The One With the Embryos". But most of all, the "lightning round" conclusion:
Ross: What is Chandler Bing's job?
*Monica and Rachel are both utterly silent, Chandler looks incredulous*
Rachel: It has something to do with numbers...
Monica: And processing!
Rachel: He carries a briefcase!
Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
Monica: It... it has something to do with transponding...
Rachel: OOH! He's a TRANSPONSTER!
Monica:THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD! No, I can get this, I can get this...
Chandler handcuffed in Rachel's boss' office in his underwear.
"The One With All The Wedding Dresses" has every scene involving such gowns. Culminating in Rachel, Monica and Phoebe sitting in a couch, drinking beer in bridal wear.
Phoebe - At least you didn't get yours from a store called "It's Not Too Late".
From "The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line," Joey's response to Chandler admitting he was "totally over the line..." note (Chandler confessed to being the other man in Joey and Kathy's relationship.)
Joey: Over the line? You... you... you're so far past the line that you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!
The season 5 premiere. Chandler and Monica are about to have sex in the plane bathroom. Monica's already there and Chandler's about to follow when Joey shows up and talks his ear off about how he thinks the giant from My Giant is more talented and taller than him.
Joey prank-calling Chandler:
Chandler: Hello, Chandler Bing?
Joey: Hello, Mr. Bing. I love you.
Chandler: Look, whoever this is, stop calling. It's been six months, it's not funny!
Joey: But I love you!
Chandler: LEAVE ME ALONE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LEAVE ME ALONE!
Joey: Oh looklooklook, Ross is doing his "watching TV" bit.
(cut to Ross at the window sitting on his couch and watching TV)
Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watching TV.
(cut to Ross in his apartment, the TV is off and Ross just grins)
The episode where Chandler and Monica's relationship is finally revealed contains an absolute gem from Ross. To give some context, keep in mind he's meeting with a psychiatrist to prove that he's no longer angry.
Ross" "Oh yeah, I'm feeling much better now. Wait, No. What? What are you doing? GET OFF MY SISTER!!!."
"The one with Joey's big break". Phoebe was mad at Ross for some reason and calls him fat-ass but apologizes and says he actually has a cute heinie. For a moment, Ross was actually pleased.
Joey: Guess you're gonna have to break up with him.
Monica: And call their mother!
Pretty much the entire episode of "The One With The New Year's Resolutions".
Ross' painful attempts at flirting with the cute pizza delivery girl who has short hair. She jokes earlier that she has the hair like "eight year old boy". When she comes to deliver pizza to them again, at the door Ross says: "You know I happen to like eight year old boys."
Chandler mocking psychologists after Ross was forced to take a sabbatical.
Chandler: I was forced to go to the office psychologist once. He was all "Maybe your colleagues will like you better if you like yourself better". Who needs that?
Monica: You do.
Chandler: I know!
Joey starts wearing a bag around to try and improve his credibility as an actor. Chandler and Ross make much with the fun, until eventually Chandler runs out of ways to imply Joey's a woman, and just runs with.
Rachel: That bag is definitely going to get you the part.
Chandler: And a date with a man!
Rachel finding a naked picture of Monica meant for Chandler but blamed on Joey.
"He has naked pictures of us, then he eats chicken, and then he looks at them!"
Phoebe confronting the lurker in "The One in Vegas".
Phoebe: I'm gonna be on your ass every hour of every day till Monday because that's when I go home. When do you leave?
Lurker: Also Monday.
Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab.
"TOW the Kips". Monica and Chandler convincing Joey that it's 9AM when it's really 3. Joey apparently has never been awake at 9.
Also in "The One with the Kips". Rachel just convinced Phoebe to form their own group then Ross shows up.
"Bye, Ross, (whispers) forever".
'Don't do the dance.' 'Right!'
Monica ducking under the water to stop Joey from discovering her having a bath with Chandler.
Chandler repeatedly kissing Rachel and Phoebe whenever he leaves to hide he and Monica's Secret Relationship.
"The One With the Thanksgiving Flashbacks" where Chandler found out Monica trying to get revenge on him for calling her fat is the reason he lost his toe.
Chandler: For a whole year people called me "Sir Limps-A-Lot"!
Ross: "Sir Limps-A-Lot". I came up with that.
Joey: You're a dork.
"The One Where Everybody Finds Out". Ross is disappointed his bribe to Ugly Naked Guy of a basket of mini muffins wasn't working:
Ross: Someone sent us a basket at work once, and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.
Chandler: Your work makes me sad.
The reaction of the group is priceless when they see Ross hanging out with Ugly Naked Guy while being naked himself!
Same episode: Chandler and Phoebe seducing each other with Phoebe 'dancing' for him while promising she's 'very bendy', while Chandler just looks terrified the entire time.
Ross: Well, I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but it was me. I'm sorry.
Mrs. Geller: It was you?
Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys, Ross did!
Ross: Yeah, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did!
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year!
Ross:Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica:Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey: I WANNA GOOOOOOOOOO!
Mrs. Geller: . . . That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. *stands up* Alright. Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did NOT taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. And Monica, why you decided to hide such an important relationship from us is beyond me.
Mr. Geller: And we kind of figured about the porch swing.
Mrs. Geller: Ross. Drugs? Divorced, again?
Mr. Geller: What happened, son?
Ross: I...I, uh, I got...tricked into all those things!
TOW That Could Have Been: Alternate Chandler and Monica talking about having sex. Their normal selves are awkward enough at these things, but with Monica shyer and fat, and Chandler extra-geeky and even more insecure than usual, it's taken Up to Eleven. Watch their nervous discussion on whether they have 'moves'...They really don't.
In "The One on the Last Night", after a night of arguing with Rachel, Monica realizes how much she is going to miss her when she leaves — and ruins what otherwise would have been a Tear Jerker moment with a nice bit of Bathos:
Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel - starts to well up) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave! (breaks down)And I have to live with a BOOOOOY!
Phoebe singing along as Ross plays the bagpipes. Jennifer Aniston is trying her hardest not to laugh during that scene. Her lyric is basically "EEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEE! EEEE! EEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Even funnier in the outtake, where she can't stop laughing. In fact, if you look at the scene, Lisa Kudrow just can't seem to keep a straight face while 'singing'.
Earlier in the episode, we get Chandler and Monica's mortification when they hear Ross practicing his bagpipes across the street.
Monica: Why is your family Scottish?!
Chandler: Why is your family Ross?!
There's also the time Ross decides to play the keyboard...with animal noises and helicopter sounds...
Rachel's old college friend revealing then denying her love for Rachel.
The scene where Rachel and Phoebe help Monica shop for her wedding dress during a sale.
Ross' "The bike is dying speech" especially the end when the seemingly unfazed Phoebe pleads for her bike not to die after Ross leaves.
Ross and Joey becoming "nap partners".
From "The One With Rachel's Assistant":
Ross: Chandler joined a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!
Special mention goes to this scene.
Ross: * dressed as the holiday armadillo* What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: *dressed as Santa* Why I'm here to visit Ben (Ross's son)! What are you doing here... weird... turtle... man?
"I especially liked the part about how Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt".
Chandler wants sex advice:
Chandler: Joey, you've had a lot of sex, right?
Joey: (confused) What, today? Some...not a lot.
A rare Chandler/Rachel subplot features them constantly swiping their neighbor's cheesecake and eating it for themselves, falling so in love with the taste that they eat it off of the floor after dropping it in the hallway.
And when they're on the floor, Joey walks in on them. He stares down at them, before crouching to their level...while taking out a fork of his own and asking what they're having. Funniest Establishing Character Moment ever.
Hypothesizing what would have happened if Joey and Monica had hooked up.
Monica: Honey? Dinner's Ready!
(A massively overweight Joey waddles onto the screen)
Joey: What's my little chef got for me, tonight?
Monica: Your favorite!
Joey: Hoo Hoo Hoo! Fried stuff with cheese!
Joey puts on shades before going to film his World War One movie, to avoid his co-star spitting in his eyes:
Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray-Ban was the official sponsor of World War One.
"The One With the Rumor" has both the title rumor and all related implications, and Joey arriving with elastic pants (where it's clear that Brad Pitt is cracking up).
From the same episode, Chandler realising his hand is locked into a claw from playing too much Ms. Pacman.
Chandler: My hand is messed up!
The one where Rachel shows a video of Ross begging her to get it on, only to find out everyone know about her technique involving 'the video of her vacation in Europe', and that Joey started it.
Rachel: It can't be! She said she heard it from some guy!
Joey: *raises hand* Some guy! *points to self*
Rachel: But, but, but, she said his name was Ken Adams!
Joey: *Raises hand and points to himself again* Ken Adams!
Rachel jealous over a girl showing interest in Ross
"Horny bitch. (Ross and the girl look at her. Rachel pretends to play with the toys she's carrying) No, you're a horny bitch! No, you're a horny bitch!"
The gang finding out about Ross' affair with his elderly high school librarian.
"Her eyes did still sparkle..."
Ross, dressed as "Spud-nik", being mistaken as "Doodie" by Joey during the Season 8 Halloween episode. All the better because Joey ticks him off so much that Ross actually waddles over to beat Joey up (only being stopped when Chandler holds him back).
Joey: What's Sputnik, Doodie-man?
Rachel and Ross are at the OB/GYN, and are having a discussion over the fact that Rachel has been quite irritable because her due date is past already. Ross comes up with this great line.
Ross: You know, we should ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half PURE EVIL!
In "The One with the Stripper", Monica accidentally hires a hooker instead of a stripper for Chandler's (belated) bachelor party. Meanwhile, Rachel's father finds out that Ross got Rachel pregnant, and goes to confront him when he's with his new girlfriend, Mona:
Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! Iím gonna kill you!
Ross: Yíknow this is actually not a great time for me.
Dr. Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant!
Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?!
Ross: Who did?!
Dr. Green: You did!
Ross: Yes. Yes, yes I did. (To Mona) But-but it was, it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing.
Dr. Green: Oh? Really? Thatís what my daughter means to you? Nothing?
Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I careóI-I love Rachel.
Ross:(to Mona) Oh but not that way. I mean... I mean Iím not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend.
Dr. Green: Oh really? Thatís how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?
Ross:(to Dr. Green) Hey! I offered to marry her!
Ross:(To Mona) But I didnít want to.
Dr. Green: Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?!
Ross: Iím sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
The scene cuts to Chandler and Joey who don't know what to do about the hooker, than back to Ross:
Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me?
Ross: I was going to tell you, butÖ
Dr. Green: But what?! You figured youíd get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel!
Ross: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! (To Mona) Nor are we still together. (The phone rings and Ross goes to answer it, only heís trapped behind the apothecary table by Dr. Green) Can I just... (Dr. Green glares at him) Why donít we just let the machine get that?
Joey:(on machine) Hey Ross. Itís Joey. Thereís a hooker over here and we thought maybe youíd know something about it.
Ross: No! No! No! No! No! I-I-I-IóI need to, I need to lie down.
When Rachel and Ross discuss potenential baby names, Phoebe chimes in with, "If it's a girl, Phoebe. If it's a boy, Phoebo." Later, Rachel asks her OB/GYN, "You could tell us whether itís a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?" The doctor then gets beeped and leaves the room. On her way out the door, she turns around and adds, "I know it's really not my place, but please don't name your child Phoebo."
And Rachel's reaction to this speech is the cherry on a cake.
Rachel: (Beat) Boy, you're gonna be sorry if that's true.
And Rachel's fear of a bird flying into the apartment could be a Call Back to "TOW Phoebe's Husband" way back in Season 2 - where a pigeon really did fly into the apartment.
Phoebe's birthday where everyone is late and Rachel can't leave Emma at home so she has Ross's mother bring her to the restaurant with them. She stops in the middle of a toast to signal that Emma dropped her sock, leading to...
Phoebe: Oh, for God's sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock!PICK UP THE SOOOCK!
And shortly after this she gives her friends a verbal put-down and makes a dramatic exit before calling "Judy, bye!" and getting a drunken wave from her in response.
Chandler and Ross' trip to Vermont, where Ross tries to take as many of the hotel's amenities as possible. The opening bit with Ross on a sugar high from eating too much maple candy is also a real gem.
Chandler: Look, they are totally ripping us off!
Ross: Dude, don't worry about it, I know how we can make your money back. This is a nice hotel y'know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on those. Like those apples, instead of taking one, um, I take six!
Chandler: Great. At $100 an apple we're there!
Ross: C'mon, y-you get the idea, you know? W-we'll make our money back in no time.
Chandler: Dude, you're shaking!
Ross: I-I think it's the sugar, can you hold the apple?
Chandler's reaction to learning, just as his and Monica's surrogate is about to give birth, that she's going to have twins:
Monica: Chandler, you're panicking!
Chandler: Uh huh! JOIN ME, won't you?!
Rachel's dad recovering from a heart attack.
Leonard: Hello, Ross. Get anymore of my daughters pregnant?
Ross: No, no, just the one.
From the same episode: Joey trying to learn French. Yes, it makes him super dumb, more than he ever was, but his interactions with Phoebe the teacher, the voice on the self-learning tape and the director of the play are hilarious.
In TOW The Cake Joey forgets to get Emma a present for her first birthday and decides read a dramatic monologue from one of her books, at first every one seems disapointed and annoyed by this idea. He reduces the entire room to tears.
David Schwimmer has a knack for physical comedy second to none. Frequently unscripted.
In "The One With the Prom Video" he trips going up a flight of stairs.
In "The One With the German Laundry Detergent" he gets hit in the head by the door to a dryer and falls down.
In "The One With the Giant Poking Device" he runs into a wall.
In "The Last One" he's running to the ticket counter at an airport and sprints through the twisty turny roped off line.
Every time he gets into a tanning booth in "The One With Ross's Tan".
It's a minor one, but in "The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS," once Ross finally gets estranged wife Emily on the phone, he gets so excited that he shushes everyone and then hands Chandler a lamp for no reason at all. It's random and hilarious.
A lot of Phoebe's songs.
"He was a double double / double jointed boy"
"And tegrin spelled backward is nirget"
"He must decide / He must decide / Even though I made him up, he must decide!"
And four different songs in the first half of "The One After the Super Bowl"
Now Grandma's a person who everyone likes,
She bought you a train and a bright shiny bike.
Well, lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
And the last time you saw her she looked so much thinner...
Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
But the truth is she died, and someday you will too.
There'll be times when you get older
When you'll want to sleep with people
Just to make them like you...
Because that's another thing that you don't wanna do,
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.
Now the cow in the meadow goes "Moo."
Now the cow in the meadow goes "Moo."
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
And that's how we get hamburgers!
Sometimes men love women,
And sometimes men love men,
And then there are bisexuals,
But some just say they're kidding themselves...
Furthermore, these were songs she wrote to sing to children. Doubles as heartwarming when the children she was performing for track her down because they like that her songs speak the truth, rather than the mushy material they are used to.