History Funny / Friends

* Funny/FriendsSeasonsOneToThree
* Funny/FriendsSeasonsFourToSix
* Funny/FriendsSeasonsSevenToTen

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[[folder: Season 1]]
[[AC:101: Pilot (TOW Monica Gets a Roommate)]]
* The segue once the gang becomes six:
-->'''Ross:''' I just want to be married again.\\
''[Rachel comes in dressed as bride]''\\
'''Chandler:''' [[RetroactiveWish And I just want a million dollars!]]
* Chandler is trying to console the newly-divorced Ross by pointing out that neither he nor Joey have ever had a long-term relationship. Unfortunately, halfway through his attempt at consolation, his train of thought jumps to the adjacent track and he instead uses Ross' divorce as a justification for him and Joey ''not'' having long-term relationships.
-->'''Chandler:''' Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us ''[indicates himself and Joey]'' we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. ''You'', however, have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing, at the end of which she ''ripped'' your heart out, and ''that'' is why we don't do it!... I don't think that was my point!

[[AC:102: TOW the Sonogram at the End]]
* The gang's understandable bafflement at watching the sonogram.
-->'''Joey''': What are we supposed to be seeing here?\\
'''Chandler''': I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the ''[[Series/StarTrekTheOriginalSeries Enterprise]]''.\\
'''Phoebe:''' You know, if you tilt your head to the left and relax your eyes, it kind of looks like an old potato.\\
'''Ross:''' Then don't do that, alright?
* Rachel insulting Mindy at the end after learning she hooked up with Barry.
-->'''Rachel:''' If things work out and you get married and have kids, I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (hangs up) Okay, I know that was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better.

[[AC:103: TOW the Thumb]]
* [[https://youtu.be/8kCyRCCzYng Chandler sauntering off]] after successfully diverting attention away from his smoking habit by pointing out everyone else's flaws, reducing them to petty squabbling with each other.
-->'''Chandler:''' SO I HAVE A FLAW! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? ''[Joey looks concerned]'' And Ross with his overpronouncing every single word, and Monica with that ''snort'' when she laughs, I mean, what the hell is that? ''[Monica looks shocked]'' I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this!?\\
''[long pause; Phoebe starts chewing on her hair]''\\
'''Joey:''' Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?\\
'''Rachel:''' Well... I- I could live without it.\\
'''Joey:''' Huh. What, is it like a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? ''[Phoebe pushes her hair out of her mouth with her tongue]''\\
'''Ross:''' Aw, now ''don't'' listen to him, Pheebs, all right, I think it's endearing.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[imitating Ross' overdone inflections, moving his hand as though conducting]'' Oh, you ''do'', ''do'' you? ''[Monica laughs, then snorts twice and covers her nose self-consciously]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[with the same inflections imitated by Joey]'' You know, there's nothing ''wrong'' with ''speaking - correctly''.\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[smirks]'' Indeed - there - isn't! ''[Ross glares at her]'' I should really get back to work. ''[starts to leave]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeah. Otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[stops and turns around slowly]'' Well! The hair comes out and the gloves come off!\\
''[a five-way argument breaks out as Chandler, a self-satisfied smile on his face, stands up and leaves them to it]''
* [[https://youtu.be/0ol-HaN9uOw When Monica tells the gang that she's breaking up with Alan (they all liked him more than she did), all five of them collectively act like a jilted lover]].

[[AC:104: TOW George Stephanopolous]]
* In response to Rachel's shrieking friends, Monica and Phoebe do one of their own: "Look, I have elbows. AAAAAH!"
* When Ross gets hit by the puck, Chandler and Joey are more concerned with showing off the puck on the Jumbotron.
* Joey mimicking hitting the puck on his forehead.
* Monica takes a call from Rachel's credit card company.
-->'''Monica:''' They detected some unusual activity in your account.\\
'''Rachel:''' I haven't used my account in weeks.\\
'''Monica:''' That ''is'' the unusual activity.
* The guys flinching every time the nasty hospital attendant looks at them.

[[AC:105: TOW the East German Laundry Detergent]]
* David Schwimmer had a knack for physical comedy, and this episode includes a classic example. After helping Rachel do her own laundry for the first time (if not without incident), Ross is rewarded with a kiss, and is so ecstatic he doesn't pay attention to where he is moving and bangs his head on an open dryer door.

[[AC:106: TOW the Butt]]
* Joey's "Freud!" song, so good it shows up in nearly every ClipShow for the rest of the series' run. Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, and Ross know that Rachel's excitement at seeing Joey on stage will evaporate as soon as the play begins, and they're quite right...
-->'''Joey:''' ''[singing, as Freud]''\\
All you want is a dinkle\\
What you envy's a schwang\\
A thing with which you can tinkle\\
To play with, or simply let hang
* After the play, Joey is given Estelle's business card, and is enthused about possibly getting signed. Phoebe's first reaction is "Based on THIS play?!", then corrects herself with more tact: "Based on this PLAY!"
* Joey reveals he's playing Al Pacino's butt double, which brings on the friendly entendres:
-->'''Chandler:''' After all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to ''crack'' your way into show business.\\
'''Joey:''' Fine, make jokes, I don't care, this is a big break for me.\\
'''Ross:''' You're right, you're right, it is. So you gonna invite us all to the ''big opening''?
* In the extended version of the episode, someone starts singing the "Freud!" song under their breath, with the rest of the group joining in one by one and making it louder, much to Joey's consternation. After the five of them finish, Joey looks hurt for a beat...then launches into his own, even louder rendition that everyone sings along with him at the top of their lungs.
* Joey uses Monica's bathroom to put cream on his butt. Chandler then shows up.
-->'''Chandler:''' Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.\\
'''Monica:''' In the bathroom. I wouldn't go in there.\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh, come on. We're roommates. ''[goes in the bathroom, only to scream loudly off screen and race back out again with his hands covering his face]'' MY EYES! '''MY EYES!'''

[[AC:107: TOW the Blackout]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iolxQiMRF7k Cat jumps on Ross' head.]]
* Chandler's attempts to flirt with Victoria's Secret model Jill Goodacre start off [[https://youtu.be/xP9kTTDi1VU inauspiciously]].
-->'''Chandler:''' ''[thinking]'' "Gum would be perfection"? "Gum would be ''perfection''". Could have said "gum would be nice", could have said "I'll have a stick", but no no no no no. To me, gum is "perfection"! ''I loathe myself.'' ''[HeadDesk]''
* Things don't improve when Chandler tries to blow a bubble with the gum, thinking it would come across as impish, only to spit the gum against the wall instead.
-->'''Chandler:''' ''[thinking]'' Nice going, imp. Okay, i-i-it's okay. All I need to do is reach over, and put it back... in my mouth. ''[he does so... or so he thinks]'' Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... ''[[IAteWhat chewing someone else's gum]]. [grimaces]'' This it not my gum, oh my God, oh my God... ''[starts choking on the gum]'' And now you're choking.\\
'''Jill:''' Are you all right? ''[Chandler gives her a double "OK" sign despite being in obvious distress]'' My God, you're choking! ''[she rushes over and performs the Heimlich manoeuvre; Chandler spits the gum out again and starts gasping for breath]'' That better?\\
'''Chandler:''' Yes... thank you. That was... that was...\\
'''Jill:''' Perfection? ''[smiles; Chandler smiles back]''
* In TheTag, the power has come back on, and Chandler and Jill have thanked each other and said their goodbyes, which in Jill's case involves kissing Chandler on the cheek. After she leaves, Chandler turns to the security camera:
-->'''Chandler:''' Hi. I'm account number 7143457, and, uh... I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really... like a copy of the tape.

[[AC:108: TOW Nana Dies Twice]]
* As the episode's title implies, Ross and Monica's Nana dies... [[https://youtu.be/AzjwQQqHkbE twice]]!
* Chandler doesn't understand why people think he's gay:
-->'''Chandler:''' I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?\\
'''Rachel:''' Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeah, you have homosexual hair.

[[AC:109: TOW Underdog Gets Away]]
* Joey finally hits it big... [[https://youtu.be/wDUcKcM3Wp0 as a model for VD]]! To quote the poster, "What Mario isn't telling you... VD: you never know who might have it."
** The other five find the poster hilarious; Joey, not so much, as not only is it scuppering his every attempt to hit on girls, but it has also ruined his Thanksgiving plans:
--->'''Joey:''' ''[entering Monica and Rachel's apartment in a funk]'' Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.\\
'''Chandler:''' Tonight, on a [[VerySpecialEpisode very special]] ''Series/{{Blossom}}''!
** In TheTag, he sees one of the posters in the subway and tears off the "VD: you never know who might have it" caption, only to reveal another one saying "Bladder control problem" underneath. So he tears off that one, and reveals a caption saying "Stop wife beating". He tries again, and this time the caption reads "Hemorrhoids?"... and finally, at the fourth attempt, he reveals the caption "Winner of 3 Tony awards". Good enough, he thinks, and leaves.

[[AC:111: TOW Mrs. Bing]]
* Rachel's attempt at an erotic novel is completely appropriate due to her horrible typing skills. Women with heaving beasts and niffles (usually found on the heaving beasts, according to Joey), men with huge throbbing pens (Ross says you don't want to be around when they start writing with them), and more!

[[AC:113: TOW the Boobies]]
* TheTeaser - in more ways than one - sets up the subplot in this episode's title as Chandler accidentally beats Ross to the "honour" of seeing Rachel topless:
-->''[Chandler enters Rachel and Monica's apartment and helps himself to food from the kitchen table, then the fridge... unaware that Rachel is in the bathroom with the door open. She emerges with one towel around her waist and a second covering her chest, the latter of which she is using to dry her hair. Chandler drops something, bends over to pick it up... and as he starts to stand up again, Rachel finally sees him]''\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[jumping back in shock, dropping the upper of her two towels]'' DAHHHH!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[also jumping back in shock]'' AHHHH! ''[Rachel grabs a rug from the back of the sofa to cover her chest]'' I'm sorry! I'm sorry!\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[livid]'' That is '''it!''' You just ''barge'' in here, you don't ''knock''-\\
'''Chandler:''' I'm sorry!-\\
'''Rachel:''' -you have ''no'' respect for anybody's ''privacy''-\\
'''Chandler:''' Rachel, wait, wait-\\
'''Rachel:''' No, '''you''' wait, this is ridiculous! You-\\
'''Chandler:''' Can I just say ''one'' thing?\\
'''Rachel:''' ''What!?'' What?!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[gesturing to the rug]'' That's a relatively open weave, and I can still see your... ''[very long pause as he tries to think of a euphemism]'' nippular areas.\\
'''Rachel:''' Ughhh! ''[storms off, still holding the rug over her chest]''\\
'''Chandler:''' I'm sorry! ''[sinks to the floor in a "Please, ground, open up and swallow me" pose]''
* Later at Central Perk, everyone is meeting Phoebe's psychiatrist boyfriend, Roger, and Rachel is in no mood to forgive or forget:
-->'''Rachel:''' ''[joining the others at the sofa]'' Okay, any of you guys want anything else?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[starting to point]'' Oh, yes, could I have one of those-\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[frostily]'' No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[resigned]'' Okay!\\
'''Roger:''' Did I, uh, did I miss something?\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[struggling to hide his jealousy]'' Wh-what? Wh- what were you doing seeing her boobies?\\
'''Chandler:''' It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of doughnuts. ''[Roger laughs loudly]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Okay, okay, can we change the subject, please?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeah, y'know, ''[indicating Rachel's chest with her thumb]'' these are not her boobies, these are her ''breasts''. ''[moves her finger back and forth in the air in front of an increasingly unamused Rachel's chest]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for ''more'' of a change.\\
'''Monica:''' Y'know, I always liked "bazoombas". Sort of gives them a Latin spin. ''[Chandler nods, Ross looks thoughtful]''\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[thoroughly fed up]'' Can we- can we '''drop''' this already? Hm? ''[sits down]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Y'know, I dunno why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.\\
'''Rachel:''' ... "Nice"!? They were "nice". I mean, th-th-that's it? I mean, ''mittens'' are "nice".\\
'''Chandler:''' Okay... ''[holds up his right hand]'' Rock. ''[holds up his left hand]'' Hard place. ''[leans forward into the space between his hands]'' Me.
* Joey discovers that his father has been having an affair for six years, forcing the gang to confront the notion of ParentsAsPeople, but Chandler is still fixated on Rachel's chest. Ross has a... creative solution to even things out:
-->'''Rachel:''' I know, I mean, why can't parents stay parents? ''[walks across to Chandler, who is staring at her chest]'' Why do they have to become people? Why do they have... ''[notices where Chandler is looking]'' '''Why''' can't you stop staring at my breasts?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[without looking up]'' What? ''[after a pause, ''finally'' looks at Rachel's face]'' What?\\
'''Rachel:''' Did you not get a good enough look the other day?\\
'''Ross:''' All right, all right, we're all adults here, there's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to have to show her your peepee. ''[Joey points to Ross in agreement; Rachel grins, clearly loving the idea]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[with a fake smile]'' Y'know, I don't see that happening?\\
'''Rachel:''' C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.\\
'''Chandler:''' Well, I'm not showing you my "tat"!
* Roger quickly gets on the bad side of most of the main cast with his analyses of their behaviour, including suggesting that Ross went into his marriage with Carol knowing it would fail because he felt guilty about overshadowing Monica as a child, leading to an argument between the Geller siblings that ends with the gloriously quotable...
-->'''Ross:''' Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!
* Later in the episode, both Joe Tribbiani, Sr. and his mistress, Ronni, are staying with Chandler and Joey; to cut down on competition for the bathroom, Ronni is permitted to use Monica and Rachel's shower. She mentions that Chandler is in his own shower, so Rachel decides to get revenge. Unfortunately, she misses her target:
-->'''Rachel:''' Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower?\\
'''Ronni:''' Oh, like, uh, five minutes?\\
'''Rachel:''' Perfect. ''[saunters toward the front door]'' Fasten your seat belts. It's peepee time. ''[Monica holds the door open for her, grinning. Rachel heads across to Chandler and Joey's apartment; Joey Sr. is in the kitchen, leaning on the counter and reading the paper]'' Morning, Mr. Trib.\\
'''Joe Sr.:''' Hey, morning, dear.\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[goes up to the bathroom door]'' Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing. ''[opens the door and pulls back the shower curtain to reveal... ''Joey'']'' AHHH!\\
'''Joey:''' AHHH! ''[frantically covers himself as Rachel flees the bathroom, closing the door behind her; after a moment, he emerges, a towel wrapped around his waist]'' What's the matter with you!?\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[gesturing wildly]'' I thought it was Chandler!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[rushing out of his bedroom]'' What, what?\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[pointing an accusing finger at him]'' '''You''' were supposed to ''[points to bathroom]'' '''be in there''' so I could see your thing! ''[Joe Sr. raises his eyebrows in confusion]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[sheepishly indicates his bedroom]'' Sorry, my, my thing was in there with me.
* In TheTag, Joey now tries to get payback on Rachel, but misses ''his'' target... and when said target tries to get payback on Joey, ''she'' misses ''her'' target as well:
-->''[Joey enters Monica and Rachel's apartment; Phoebe is at the kitchen table reading the paper]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Hey Joey! What's goin' on?\\
'''Joey:''' ''[walking across to the bathroom]'' Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop, Rachel Green. ''[Phoebe shrugs and goes back to the paper; Joey chuckles as he opens the bathroom door and walks in. We hear the curtain being pulled back, followed by a scream, followed by Joey fleeing the bathroom in horror]'' What the-!?\\
'''Monica:''' ''[exiting the bathroom in a shower cap with a towel over her front]'' Joey! What the hell were you doing!?\\
'''Joey:''' ''[defensively]'' Sorry! Wrong boobies. ''[leaves; Monica gets a crafty look]''\\
''[some time later, Monica enters Chandler and Joey's apartment and heads for the bathroom]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[smirking]'' Hello Joey! ''[pulls back the shower curtain to reveal Joey... ''Sr.'']''\\
'''Joe Sr.:''' Ahh! ''[recovers from his shock and smiles]'' Hello, dear! ''[a horrified Monica closes the curtain again and beats a hasty retreat]''

[[AC:115: TOW the Stoned Guy]]
* Chandler has news for the gang at Central Perk: he was offered a promotion at work. So he quit; his job was supposed to be temporary (Monica notes he has been working there for five years), and accepting the promotion would mean admitting data processing is his career. Joey is concerned about this threat to their financial stability, but not for the reason you'd expect:
-->'''Joey:''' Oh man, does that mean we gotta start buying our own toilet paper?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[announcer voice]'' That was Joey Tribbiani with "The Big Picture". Dan?
* One early scene, three subplots, all hilarity:
** First, Chandler has made an appointment with a career counsellor, as he still has no idea what he wants to do with his life:
--->'''Chandler:''' ''[enters Monica and Rachel's apartment wearing a suit]'' Can you see my nipples through this shirt? ''[opens his jacket]''\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[looks Chandler up and down]'' No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there. ''[Chandler closes his jacket again]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Where are you going, Mr. Suity Man?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[showing off a business card]'' Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counsellor a-go-go. ''[{{Beat}}; awkwardly]'' I added the "a-go-go." ''[pockets the card again]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Career counsellor?\\
'''Chandler:''' Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.\\
'''Rachel:''' I don't!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[to Ross, Phoebe, and Joey]'' Hey, you guys ''in the living room'' all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream!\\
'''Ross:''' Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.
** Second, a massage client of Phoebe's is looking to open a restaurant and needs a chef to create the entire menu, so naturally Phoebe thinks of... Chandler, since he is out of work, but when he turns her down because he can't see himself in a big white hat (and Phoebe's client would need to agree to an "all-toast" menu), she turns to Monica, who returns from a viewing of the restaurant location in high spirits:
--->'''Monica:''' He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this- it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.\\
'''Chandler:''' Was it formerly owned by [[Literature/{{Goldilocks}} a blonde woman and some bears?]] ''[Joey, Phoebe, and Ross laugh]''\\
'''Monica:''' So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because then you can "ooh" and "ahh" and make yummy noises.\\
'''Rachel:''' What are you going to make?\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[in a "Weren't you listening?" tone of voice, pointing between herself and Monica]'' Yummy noises. I...\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[{{Beat}}]'' And ''Monica'', what are you going to make?\\
'''Monica:''' ''[excited]'' I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great!\\
'''Phoebe:''' Ooh! I know what you could make! ''[joins Monica and Rachel in the kitchen]'' I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? ''[makes gestures with her hands; Monica has no idea]'' You know, that thing... with the, with the stuff...? ''[repeats the gestures; Monica still has no idea]'' Okay, I don't know. ''[crouches down between Monica and Rachel]''
** And third, Ross has a date with a museum colleague, Celia, a curator of insects. Although that's not how the gang describe her:
--->'''Ross:''' Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighbourhood?\\
'''Joey:''' How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free!\\
'''Ross:''' Okay, ''[hems]'' hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?\\
'''Chandler:''' Who are you going out with?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh, is this the bug lady?\\
'''Rachel:''' ''["bug" voice]'' Bzzzz... I love you, Ross!
* Chandler's career counselling session doesn't quite go as he hoped:
-->''[Chandler stomps into Monica and Rachel's apartment, looking dishevelled, exhausted, and angry; he kicks the door closed]''\\
'''Rachel:''' My God! What happened to you?\\
'''Chandler:''' Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests, and what do I learn!? ''[holds up a sheaf of paper and smacks it with his hand before reading]'' "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation!"\\
'''Phoebe:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that!]]
* Ross' date with Celia gets off to a bad start thanks to Marcel grabbing her hair and not letting go. Once Marcel is out of the room, things start getting hot and heavy until Celia asks Ross to talk dirty to her; as he has no idea how, he just blurts out "vulva". The next day, he seeks advice from Joey, who [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKLzYHZOC6I shows him how]] - leading to a hilarious NotWhatItLooksLike moment:
-->'''Joey:''' All right, look, I'll start, okay?\\
'''Ross:''' Joey, please.\\
'''Joey:''' C'mon, c'mon! All right, ready? Look. ''[impassioned]'' Oh, Ross... you get me so hot, I want your lips on me now. ''[Ross is stunned]'' Eh? ''[he and Ross nod]'' All right, now you say something!\\
'''Ross:''' I, uh... I really don't think so.\\
'''Joey:''' C'mon! You like this woman, right?\\
'''Ross:''' Yeah!\\
'''Joey:''' You want to see her again, right?\\
'''Ross:''' Sure!\\
'''Joey:''' Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how are you gonna talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!\\
'''Ross:''' ''[absorbs this]'' Okay, turn around. ''[Joey gives him a look]'' I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this.\\
'''Joey:''' All right, all right, all right. ''[turns his back to Ross]'' I'm not looking. Go ahead.\\
'''Ross:''' All right. Okay. ''[clears throat]'' I want- okay, I, I, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips.\\
'''Joey:''' There you go! Keep going, keep going.\\
'''Ross:''' I, uh... ''[Chandler enters from his bedroom, fresh from a nap; he stops and takes in the sight]'' I want to take my tongue, and... ''[this gets Chandler's undivided attention; he grins ear to ear and makes his way over to the desk to listen]'' and, and...\\
'''Joey:''' Say it! ''[{{Beat}}]'' SAY IT!...\\
'''Ross:''' Run it all over your body... until you're trembling with... ''[Chandler sits on the desk, knocking the chair against a hockey stick which scrapes along the front; Joey and Ross get worried looks on their faces and slowly turn around to look at him]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[still grinning]'' ... ''with''...?\\
'''Ross:''' Funny story!\\
'''Joey:''' You're not gonna believe this.\\
'''Chandler:''' It's okay, it's okay, I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[to Ross]'' The trembling was nice.\\
'''Ross:''' ''Shut up!''
* As Ross and Joey are recovering from their embarrassment, it seems Chandler can't escape his destiny as a white collar worker, and displays AccidentalBargainingSkills in the process:
-->'''Joey:''' Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.\\
'''Chandler:''' Again?\\
'''Joey:''' And again, and again...\\
'''Ross:''' And ''again''... ''[the phone rings; Joey answers it]''\\
'''Joey:''' Hello?... ''[to Chandler]'' And again. ''[tosses the receiver to him]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[on phone]'' Hey, Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor?... ''[picks up the hockey stick from the desk and swings it at an imaginary puck]'' Yeah, I miss you too... Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know?... Well, that's very generous... ''[looks at Joey and Ross]'' uh, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about... And that's on top of the year-end bonus structure you mentioned earlier?...\\
'''Ross:''' ''[whispering and gesturing]'' No!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[likewise]'' Your dream, your ''dream!''\\
'''Chandler:''' Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, okay? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection!... No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy!... I'll see you Monday! ''[hangs up and slams the phone onto the kitchen counter; he sees Joey and Ross giving him matching {{Disapproving Look}}s and shrugs]'' Ehh.
* Monica's subplot proves to be the one that lends the episode its title. In the third act, the would-be restaurateur, Steve (Jon Lovitz), comes to her apartment to sample her food, but he gets stoned out of his mind on marijuana in Phoebe's taxi on the way over and develops a serious case of the munchies, wolfing down the first plate of food while hardly tasting it and then grabbing whatever he can find from the cupboards, including taco shells, cereal, and gummy bears. Somehow, Monica never picks up on Phoebe and Rachel's signals for why Steve is acting so oddly.
* As for Ross, he takes Joey's lesson to heart - but still doesn't quite reach the desired end result on his second date with Celia:
-->''[Ross and Joey head to the counter at Central Perk]''\\
'''Joey:''' So, uh... how did it go with Celia?\\
'''Ross:''' Oh, I was unbelievable.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[grinning]'' All right, Ross!\\
'''Ross:''' I was the Creator/JamesMichener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plotlines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.\\
'''Joey:''' Whoa! And the... ''[makes suggestive gesture with his hands]'' huh-huh?\\
'''Ross:''' Well... ''[clears his throat]'' You know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so, uh...\\
'''Joey:''' You cuddled.\\
'''Ross:''' Yeah, which was nice.

[[AC:116: TOW Two Parts, Part I]]
* This is the first episode to feature Phoebe's twin sister Ursula, crossing over from ''Series/MadAboutYou''; Chandler and Joey have dinner at Riff's and initially mistake Ursula (whose waitressing is down to its usual standards) for Phoebe. The next day, they see Phoebe at Central Perk, and Chandler remembers why he's usually hesitant to engage Joey in conversation about anything:
-->''[Chandler and Joey are peering through the window at Central Perk]''\\
'''Chandler:''' All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister.\\
'''Joey:''' I'm sayin' I see a difference.\\
'''Chandler:''' They're twins!\\
'''Joey:''' I don't care! Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's... hot!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[as he and Joey go indoors]'' You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?\\
'''Joey:''' Yeah?\\
'''Chandler:''' Let's not do that anymore.
* During a LamazeClass, Carol gets really freaked out about the idea of giving birth. Ross tries to comfort her, leading to this outburst:
-->'''Carol:''' Oh, what do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this '''pot roast through it?!'''"
* And then the next class, Carol doesn't show up. Ross argues that since Susan actually is a woman, she should play the "pregnant woman" role while he plays the "supportive partner" role. Susan successfully argues that since she's the one in a relationship with Carol, she should be the "supportive partner" while Ross is the "pregnant woman", so she'll get to play the same role she actually will be playing when her partner gives birth. Ross seems to be taking it pretty well until the teacher says "Now, imagine your vagina opening up like a flower."

[[AC:117: TOW Two Parts, Part II]]
* Two cute doctors show up at the apartment for dates with Rachel and Monica. One if them is apprehensive because apparently women they pick up at the hospital are always weird. His friend assures him these two are normal. "Look around. [[NoodleIncident No pagan altars. No pile of bones in the corner.]]"
* Joey kisses Phoebe (who is pretending to be Ursula) as part of their "breakup". Phoebe is stunned by the intensity of the kiss (even if it was a simple closed-mouth one), leaning back and mouthing "Wow!".

[[AC:118: TOW All the Poker]]
* Joey, Chandler and Ross dancing to [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLosnG_M3rk "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"]]. The funniest part is how they subtly and gently bounce along, them the "aweemaweh" start, and ''then'' they start actually dancing.
* Throughout the episode, several references are made to Monica's tendency to take ''TabletopGame/{{Pictionary}}'' too seriously, including an incident when she supposedly threw a plate at someone (she insists it slipped out of her hand while she was gesturing). In TheTag, the gang are playing ''Pictionary'', and we see why Monica gets so angry so easily:
-->''[Monica has drawn a bird and a hand with a two-headed arrow over it to indicate waving]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''Film/{{Airplane}}''! ''Film/{{Airport}}''! ''Airport '75''! ''Airport '77''! ''Airport '79''! ''[the timer goes off]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Time's up.\\
'''Monica:''' ''[scowls, then taps the hand and the bird in turn]'' ''[[Theatre/ByeByeBirdie Bye... Bye... Birdie]]!''\\
'''Joey:''' Ohhh.\\
'''Phoebe:''' That's a ''bird''? ''[Monica puts her hands on her hips and glares at Phoebe]'' That's a bird! ''[looks away sheepishly]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Okay, okay, it's my turn. ''[takes a piece of paper, reads the title, then folds it again and throws it on the table as Monica sits down and Chandler resets the timer]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Go! ''[starts the timer; Rachel draws a bean shape on the pad]''\\
'''Ross:''' Uh... bean. Bean! ''[Rachel looks at the others and starts tapping the bean insistently with the pen]''\\
'''Joey:''' ''[flails his arms with excitement] Literature/TheUnbearableLightnessOfBeing''!\\
'''Rachel:''' YES! ''[Joey, Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe cheer]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[livid]'' '''That''' you get!? '''That you get?!''' ''[picks up her glass; Rachel hides behind the pad while the other four cover their heads with their arms]''

[[AC:119: TOW The Monkey Gets Away]]
* Ross lampshades the YourDoorWasOpen nature of the gang's apartment building:
-->''[Barry bursts in to Rachel's apartment uninvited]''\\
'''Barry:''' Rachel, I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you.\\
''[beat]''\\
'''Ross:''' We have GOT to start locking that door!

[[AC:120: TOW the Evil Orthodontist]]
* Chandler is staring intently at the telephone, waiting for a girl to call. Monica sneaks up behind him and [[SayingSoundEffectsOutLoud makes a telephone buzzing/ringing sound]]. Chandler scrambles for the phone to answer it, realizes he's been tricked, and tells her "Hell is filled with people like you." Monica tosses her head defiantly while smirking.
* Ross is on the couch filling out a crossword puzzle while Phoebe reads the rest of the paper next to him:
-->'''Ross:''' "Heating device."\\
'''Phoebe:''' Radiator.\\
'''Ross:''' Five letters.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Rdtor. ''[she smirks at her own joke]''
* And when you combine the two...
-->'''Ross:''' Four letters, "circle or hoop."
-->'''Chandler:''' Ring, damn it, RING!
-->'''Ross:''' Thank you.

[[AC:121: TOW the Fake Monica]]
* Joey's subplot sees him trying to come up with a StageName, leading to a hilarious {{Troll}} from Chandler.
** It starts as a joke that takes an unexpected turn thanks to Joey's usual ignorance:
--->'''Chandler:''' How about Joey... Pepponi?\\
'''Joey:''' No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.\\
'''Chandler:''' Joey... Switzerland?\\
'''Joey:''' ''[gives Chandler an unamused look as a waitress sets a jug of cream and a mug of coffee on the table]'' Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, ''[gestures with his fingers]'' this big. ''[sees the waitress]'' Which I'm not!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[as the waitress leaves]'' Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe... [[UsefulNotes/JosefStalin Stalin]]? ''[chuckles to himself]''\\
'''Joey:''' ''[looks thoughtful]'' Stalin. ''[Chandler looks at him in disbelief]'' Stalin. Do I know that name? That sounds familiar!\\
'''Chandler:''' Well, it does not ring a bell with ''me''...\\
'''Joey:''' Huh. ''[looks thoughtful again]''\\
'''Chandler:''' But, uh, you're more plugged into that whole show business thing.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[writes on a pad]'' Joe... Stalin. ''[Chandler tries not to laugh; Joey shows him the page and nods]'' Y'know, that's pretty good.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[nods]'' You might wanna try "Joseph".\\
'''Joey:''' ''[snaps his fingers as if to say "Yes! Of course!" and changes "Joe" to "Joseph"]'' Joseph Stalin! ''[delighted]'' I think you'd remember that!\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh yes! ''[mimes writing on a theatre marquee]'' "''Theatre/ByeByeBirdie'', with Joseph Stalin." "Joseph Stalin '''is'''... the Theatre/FiddlerOnTheRoof." ''[he pats Joey on the back, grinning ear to ear; the oblivious Joey claps him on the thigh in approval]''
** Inevitably, when Joey goes into an audition with his new name, he has problems to report:
--->''[Joey enters Monica and Rachel's apartment, where Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are sat in the living room]''\\
'''Joey:''' ''[looking at Chandler]'' You know there already '''is''' a Joseph Stalin?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[feigning innocence]'' You're '''kidding'''.\\
'''Joey:''' Apparently, he was this Russian dictator who ''slaughtered'' all these people! You'd think '''you''' would've known that.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[deadpan]'' You know, you'd think I would've. ''[exchanges a look with Ross and Rachel]'' Hey. How about [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Heatherton Joey Heatherton?]]\\
'''Joey:''' C'mon, seriously! [[ComicallyMissingThePoint I told ya, I don't wanna go back to Joey!]] ''[Rachel chuckles to herself while Ross shrugs in mock innocence]'' Phoebe. What do ''you'' think a good stage name for me would be?\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[looks at Joey for a moment; dramatically]'' Flame Boy!
** In TheTag, Joey goes to an audition for ''Theatre/RomeoAndJuliet'' with a new stage name... that causes just as many problems as his previous one:
--->'''Bad Actor:''' ''[melodramatically]'' Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand\\
That I might... touch thy... cheek!\\
'''Casting Director:''' ''[unenthusiastically]'' That's fine. Thank you.\\
'''Assistant Casting Director:''' Next.\\
''[the bad actor leaves the stage and Joey takes his place]''\\
'''Joey:''' Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.\\
'''Assistant Casting Director:''' Name?\\
'''Joey:''' Holden [=McGroin=].

[[AC:122: TOW the Ick Factor]]
* The guys make fun of Monica for dating the much younger Ethan:
-->'''Ross:''' ''[looks at camera]'' [[Series/MightyMorphinPowerRangers It's MORPHIN' TIME!]] ''[crosses wrists]''\\
'''Joey:''' TYRANOSAURUS!\\
'''Chandler:''' TRICERATOPS!
* Monica's reaction to Ethan being a teenager.
-->'''Monica:''' You shouldn't be here anyway. It's a school night!
* And to make the age difference really pronounced...
-->'''Monica:''' I'm like one of those women you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Creator/JoanCollins.\\
'''Ethan:''' Who?

[[AC:123: TOW the Birth]]
* When Monica starts moping over the fact that she isn't having kids yet, Chandler offers her a [[FallbackMarriagePact Fallback Childbirth Pact]] where if she hasn't found anyone by the time she turns 40 he'll have a baby with her. Monica doesn't take it the way he intended:
-->'''Monica:''' Why won't I be married when I'm forty?\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh, no, no. No. I just meant hypothetically.\\
'''Monica:''' Okay. ''Hypothetically,'' why won't I be married when I'm forty?\\
'''Chandler:''' No! No, no--\\
'''Monica:''' No, what is it? Seriously, is there something ''fundamentally un-marriable about me?''\\
'''Chandler:''' U-Uhhh...\\
'''Monica:''' ''Well?!''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[fumbles at back]'' Dear God, this - this parachute is a knapsack! ''[rolls off of chair]''
* Rachel's joke when Ross worries Carol will give birth in the cab:
-->'''Rachel:''' Oh, don't worry, Ross, it's probably two dollars for the first contraction and fifty cents for each additional one. ''[[[DudeNotFunny gets glared at]]]'' Oh, but when Chandler does it, it's okay?\\
'''Chandler:''' You have to pick your moments.
* When Carol and Susan finally arrive it turns out they were late because they stopped so Susan could get a snack.
-->'''Ross:''' Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a baby, okay, you don't stop for Chunkys!\\
'''Chandler:''' I used to have that bumper sticker.\\
''[gang laughs at his joke]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''(to Rachel)'' You see what I mean?
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Season 2]]
[[AC:201: TOW Ross's New Girlfriend]]
* Chandler and Joey are sporting new haircuts courtesy of "Vidal Buffay". Monica is impressed with the results and approaches Phoebe to ask about having her hair cut, but her method of bringing up the subject doesn't get the desired result at first:
-->'''Monica:''' Pheebs! Y'know what I'm thinkin'?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh, okay! ''[thinks]'' How... it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?\\
'''Monica:''' ... no. Although now that's what I'm thinking...
* Chandler asks if anyone knows a good tailor (when Joey asks if he needs some clothes altered, Chandler snarks that he just wants someone to draw on him with chalk), and we get a classic moment of Joey cluelessness:
-->'''Joey:''' Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No, wait - 16. No - excuse me - 15. ''[still not sure]'' All right, when was 1990?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[exchanges a look of disbelief with Monica and Phoebe, then leans in to Joey]'' Okay... you have to ''stop'' the Q-tip when there's resistance![[note]] Creator/MatthewPerry has said in interviews that this was his favourite line in the entire series.[[/note]]
* After Ross comes home from China in a relationship with Julie, Rachel follows his lead of going out with an old flame and spends the night with Paolo. Then Ross and Julie arrive the next morning:
-->'''Ross:''' What are you doing here?\\
'''Paolo:''' I do Racquela.
* Phoebe agrees - somewhat reluctantly - to cut Monica's hair. HilarityEnsues when she doesn't quite understand who Monica wanted her hair like:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Relax, I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.\\
'''Monica:''' ... How ''who'' wears it?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Creator/DemiMoore.\\
'''Monica:''' Demi Moore is not a ''he''. \\
'''Phoebe:''' Well, he was a he in ''Film/{{Arthur|1981}}'' and in ''Film/{{Ten|1979}}''. \\
'''Monica:''' ''(stands up)'' That's Creator/{{DUDLEY Moore}}! I said I wanted it like DEMI Moore!\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh. ''[[OhCrap OH!]]'' \\
'''Monica:''' Oh my GOD!\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''Oh my God!''\\
'''Monica:''' OH MY ''GOD''!\\
'''Phoebe:''' I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'M SORRY! Which one is ''Demi'' Moore? \\
'''Monica:''' She's the act''RESS'', that was in ''Film/{{Disclosure}}!'' ''Film/IndecentProposal!'' ''Film/{{GHOST|1990}}!''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh! Oh, she's got gorgeous hair. \\
'''Monica:''' '''I KNOW!''' THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO LOOK LIKE HER!!\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh, I'm... [[PlayingTheVictimCard y'know, my mom's... dead... ]]\\
'''Monica:''' '''OH MY ''GOD!'''''
* They later play it as if she has some horrible disease, with Monica in her room and Phoebe at the door, explaining it'll take some time for her to recover. When Joey asks if he can see her, Phoebe tells him he has such pretty hair that it'll probably set Monica off again. [[StealthInsult She then tells Ross he can come in.]] [[DoubleTake Ross realizes a second later what she is implying.]]
* Joey's tailor turns out to [[DirtyOldMan "take advantage" of every customer he has]], much to Chandler's horror. [[https://youtu.be/gzomehgKneI Joey is completely oblivious to this]]:
-->'''Joey:''' ''(in a "duh!" tone)'' ''That's how they do pants!'' First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.\\
''(Chandler and Ross stare at Joey)''\\
'''Joey:''' What? Ross, will you tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?\\
'''Ross:''' ''(to Chandler)'' Yes, yes it is. ''(to Joey)'' In '''prison!'''
* Joey's OhCrap when he realises the truth moments later. And he eventually decides to call his dad:
-->'''Joey:''' ''(on the phone)'' No, I swear to God, Dad! That's not how they measure pants!
* Later on, Chandler has to explain the difference between acceptable and unacceptable touching to Joey:
-->'''Joey:''' So when the doctor checks you for a hernia?
-->'''Chandler:''' That's okay.
* [[GreenEyedMonster Rachel]] later uses Phoebe's celebrity confusion when the latter offers to cut Ross's new girlfriend's hair:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Rachel, just so I don't screw it up again; Creator/AndieMacDowell is the actress in ''Film/FourWeddingsAndAFuneral'', right?\\
'''Rachel:''' Uh, no. That's Creator/RoddyMcDowall. Andie [=MacDowell=] is the actor in ''[[Film/PlanetOfTheApes1968 Planet of the Apes]]''.

[[AC:202: TOW the Breast Milk]]
* Ross trying to drink Carol's breast milk.
-->'''Ross:''' Give me the bottle. ''(squeezes milk onto his arm)'' Give me the towel. ''(wipes the milk off and storms away)''
* Rachel's reaction to Phoebe testing the milk.
-->'''Rachel:''' Phoebe, that is juice squeezed from a person!
* Carol is breast-feeding Ben and Joey can't look at it.
-->'''Ross:''' That is the most natural, beautiful thing in the world.\\
'''Joey:''' Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it.
* Joey is working in the perfume section of a department store when a new salesman dressed in a black cowboy outfit horns in on his territory. The whole thing pays like a Western, complete with ShowdownAtHighNoon and Joey RidingIntoTheSunset (well, a sunset poster, anyway).
** The scenes with Joey and Chandler, with the latter serving as a bartender.

[[AC:203: TOW Heckles Dies]]
* Everyone's Janice imitations, with Joey's clearly being of her having sex with Chandler.
* The gang hears Mr. Heckles banging on the ceiling, so they decide to stomp louder to spite him. Eventually, Heckles stops and the gang cheers in victory... [[MoodWhiplash and then we cut to Heckles' body being carted away]].
* Heckles left all his possessions to "the loud girls upstairs." Monica is at first ecstatic that he didn't really hate them... then reconsiders when she sees all the tacky crap in Heckles' apartment.
* Along with not beliveing in evolution, Phoebe [[GravityIsOnlyATheory has her doubts about gravity]].
-->'''Ross:''' You, uh, you don't believe in gravity?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Well, it's not so much that, you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being ''pushed''.\\
[[Knock on door]]\\
'''Chandler:''' Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed!
* One of Heckles' possessions is a large magnifying reading glass that the guys keep walking in front off, making their crotches look huge. Monica gives a heartfelt speech in front of it, undercut by the others laughing at her looking like she has HartmanHips. In the end, Joey keeps it for himself.
* Worried that he'll end up like Mr. Heckles, Chandler hears footsteps on the ceiling and grabs the broom to bang on the ceiling, just as Heckles used to do. The horrified look on Joey and Phoebe's faces, followed by Chandler's startled realisation, his hilarious.

[[AC:204: TOW Phoebe's Husband]]
* Rachel getting attacked by a pigeon. Forgot how high Jennifer Aniston can shriek. Made even funnier by her attempts to catch the pigeon.
-->'''Rachel:''' That's right, you just read the Family Circus ''[advances on pigeon with a cooking pot]'' Enjoy the gentle comedy...
* And when Rachel first meets Phoebe's husband, she opens the pot in surprise, and lets the pigeon go. Phoebe's husband is really impressed, and asks how she did it. Which leads to the gang [[https://youtu.be/zRs-YRtCXoU revealing secrets about each other]].
-->'''Chandler:''' ''[after revealing Joey appeared in a porn movie]'' If I'm going down, I'm taking everyone with me!
* Chandler attempts to embarrass Joey by digging up the porn movie he was in [[IWasYoungAndNeededTheMoney early in his career]]. Since Joey didn't actually take part in the sex scenes he's happy to watch and narrate his performance for the gang. His role was "copier repair guy who catches the couple doing it on the machine".
-->'''Joey:''' I can't get to the copier, I'm thinking "What do I do? What do I do?". So I just watch them have sex.

[[AC:205: TOW Five Steaks and an Eggplant]]
* Ross finds a message for Chandler on his answering machine:
-->'''Ross:''' Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number, because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.\\
'''Ross:''' Hey, tell me again, what do I do when [[Series/ThreesCompany Mr. Roper]] calls?
* In the tag scene, the woman calls the apartment again, with Joey lying on the couch instead of Chandler. Originally, Joey was going to answer it, but he tripped on his way to the phone, which was deemed more hilarious, [[ThrowItIn so it was left in.]]

[[AC:206: TOW the Baby on the Bus]]
* Ross makes the dubious decision to leave his baby son Ben with Chandler and Joey when a slice of Monica's kiwi lime pie causes a flare-up of his kiwi allergy, forcing Monica to rush him to the hospital for an allergy shot.
-->'''Ross:''' ''[with a tongue swollen from his allergic reaction to the kiwi]'' Throw up a throw-throw - a ''throw-throw''!\\
'''Joey:''' Consider it done.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[to Joey]'' You understood that?\\
'''Joey:''' Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.\\
'''Chandler:''' Is he the one with the beautiful wife?
* Phoebe's songs are always good for laughs, and since this episode features a subplot in which a professional guitarist is given Phoebe's gig at Central Perk, there are several sterling examples of her... unique songwriting skills.
** Near the beginning of the episode, she plays Rachel a song she wrote in the shower that morning:
--->I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song\\
Stop me if you've heard it\\
My skin is soapy and my hair is wet\\
And "[[ProductPlacement Tegrin]]" spelled backwards is "nirget"\\
[...]\\
Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat... as needed
** Just before Phoebe meets her replacement, we get another snippet:
--->'''Phoebe:''' ''[singing]'' ... with the double double double-jointed boy.
* In a brief crossover with ''Series/CarolineInTheCity'', Joey and Chandler meet Caroline when trying to find someone to show Ben to and she mistakes them for a gay couple who adopted a baby.[[note]] The evening this episode premiered (2 November 1995) was promoted as a crossover evening, with David Schwimmer making an extended guest appearance as Ross in ''The Single Guy'' on the episode "Neighbors", and Matthew Perry making a return crossover appearance as Chandler in the ''Caroline in the City'' episode "Caroline and the Folks".[[/note]]
-->'''Caroline:''' You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?
* Joey and Chandler accidentally leaving Ben on the bus and running after the bus.
-->'''Joey:''' ''BEN!''\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh, that's good, maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord!
* So Chandler calls the New York Transit Authority from a payphone; neither he nor Joey impress the person at the other end:
-->'''Chandler:''' Come on, pick up, pick up!... Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. [[ItsForABook I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus...]] Yes, I do realise that would be a very stupid character.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[grabs the phone]'' Hi, here's the deal. We lost a car seat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. ''[{{Beat}}; holds the phone to Chandler]'' He wants to talk to you again.
* When they get to transit authorities, the Transit Authority guy assumes that one of them is the father. Their response?
-->'''Chandler:''' That's me.\\
'''Joey:''' I'm him.\\
'''Chandler:''' Actually, uh, [''puts his arm around Joey''] we're both the father.
* When Joey and Chandler go into the room with the babies, they find two of them. However, one is wearing ducks and the other one is wearing clowns. Joey and Chandler flip a coin for the baby. The coin lands on heads, and then we get this:
-->'''Chandler:''' We have to assign heads to something.\\
'''Joey:''' Right. Okay, okay, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Chandler:''' What kind of scary-ass clowns came to ''your'' birthday?
* At the end when Joey and Chandler come home with the baby:
-->'''Ross:''' I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?\\
'''Joey:''' Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.\\
'''Ross:''' Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus--Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?\\
'''Chandler:''' You, you are gonna love this.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[handing Ben to Monica]'' Will you hold Ben for a sec? ''[chasing after Chandler and Joey]'' Come here. Come here.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[grabbing Monica's pie as he and Joey try to get away]'' Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, run!

[[AC:207: TOW Where Ross Finds Out]]
* During Chandler's work out routine, Monica and Chandler start pretending to hit each other which turns into a SissyFight culminating in Monica actually pushing over Chandler.

[[AC:208: TOW the List]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGb7sC4mpk0 Chandler is so proud of his new laptop's capabilities]], when today it's laughably inadequate compared to a cellphone.
-->'''Chandler:''' [[TechnologyMarchesOn All right, check out this bad boy, 12 megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive, built-in spreadsheet capabilities, and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 bps.]][[note]] Well, it was state of the art... in 1995.[[/note]]\\
'''Phoebe:''' Wow! What are you gonna use it for?\\
'''Chandler:''' Games and stuff.
* This episode includes another classic Phoebe song entitled "The Two of Them Kissed Last Night", a ''very'' thinly veiled fictionalisation of Ross' conundrum of having to choose between Rachel and Julie.
-->There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy, let's call him Neil\\
[[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real]]\\
Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside\\
Will Betty be the one who he loves truly, or will it be the one who we'll call Ju--[[LastSecondWordSwap Loolie]]\\
He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide
* Monica's subplot in this episode sees her being hired to help market Mockolate, a synthetic chocolate substitute (that, judging from the reaction of both Monica and everyone who eats the food she creates with it, tastes absolutely awful - and, her employer implies, may carry health risks), and includes a moment so funny it ended up having to be re-written and only appears in the gag reel. Monica makes a batch of Mockolate chip cookies for Rachel and Phoebe; Phoebe eats one and says, "This must be what evil tastes like." However, we know from the gag reel that the original line was "Jesus, Monica, these are the cookies they serve in ''hell!''" The line had to be changed because Lisa Kudrow simply '''could not say the line without laughing.'''
* Ross agonizes over having to choose between Rachel and Julie. Chandler can't sympathize.
-->'''Ross:''' What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties ''and my diamond shoes are too tight!''"
* Though it ends on a TearJerker with Rachel's reaction to what Ross thinks are her cons, the boys' panicked trying to keep the list away from her. Particularly Chandler's "reading" the "short story".
-->'''Chandler:''' It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A ''lonely'' gray couch! "Oh, look," cried Ned. And then the kingdom was his forever, the end!

[[AC:210: TOW Russ]]
* Rachel starts dating Ross' doppelganger, a periodontist named Russ (played by David Schwimmer in a wig and false chin). Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, and Joey all notice the resemblance immediately, but Ross and Russ do not (Ross even indulges in a bit of HypocriticalHumor regarding Russ' vocal mannerisms), and neither does Rachel until Phoebe draws her attention to it, at which point she cannot unsee it and drops Russ like a sack of potatoes. In TheTag, a dejected Russ runs into Chandler and Phoebe at Central Perk, and then Ross' ex-girlfriend Julie shows up, and it's LoveAtFirstSight, complete with romantic music swelling on the soundtrack... and looks of utter disbelief on Chandler and Phoebe's faces.
* This episode sees the beginning of the story arc in which Joey is cast in ''Series/DaysOfOurLives''. He stops by the office of his agent, Estelle, and tells her he got a callback (though he goes on to tell her that the (female) casting director was flirting with him and implied that a session on the CastingCouch would guarantee him the part). Her initial reaction to the news of his callback is hilarious:
-->'''Estelle:''' Have you ever seen me ecstatic?\\
'''Joey:''' No.\\
'''Estelle:''' Well, here it is. ''[cracks a really small smile that looks more like she just smelled something unpleasant]''
* When Joey brings up the impression he had that he was expected to perform sexual favors for the part, Estelle calls the casting director to "straighten it out."
-->'''Estelle:''' So, how about Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver? Isn't he terrific? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, doll, I'll talk to you later. ''[hangs up]'' Yeah, you're going to have to sleep with her.
* Two subplots are wrapped up in the last scene before the credits, as Monica discovers that Fun Bobby only seems fun because of his alcoholism, and going on the wagon makes him incredibly dull - prompting Monica to start drinking just to endure her time with him and making him concerned that she is becoming alcoholic herself, leading him to end their relationship. Cue Ross and Chandler paying out {{Side Bet}}s to Phoebe and Rachel, respectively. Then Joey arrives and announces that he couldn't go on the CastingCouch with the ''Series/DaysOfOurLives'' casting director after all - only to be offered a larger role as a result (and, as implied by his announcement that he needs to take a shower, he apparently slept with her anyway). Cue Phoebe and Rachel paying their money back to Ross and Chandler.

[[AC:211: TOW the Lesbian Wedding]]
* Monica is doing the catering for Carol and Susan's wedding, and has roped the others (except Rachel) into helping.
-->'''Monica:''' Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you want to see me ''cry''?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Sir, no, sir!
* Monica choosing to tell Rachel her lame cooking idea for the wedding at the most inappropriate moment possible (her mother has just told her she wants to divorce her father):
-->'''Monica:''' Alright, tell me if this is too cute: Lesbian wedding: [[IncrediblyLamePun chicken breast?]]\\
'''Rachel:''' [''horrified at her mother's news''] Oh, God... I think I'm gonna be sick... [''runs to the bathroom'']\\
'''Monica:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Why? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them!]]
* This joke got a laugh for nearly a minute.
-->'''Phoebe:''' Did your wife have any unfinished business?\\
'''Mr. Adelman:''' She said she wanted to see everything.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh wow that's a lot.\\
'''Mr. Adelman:''' She also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.

[[AC:212-13: TO After the Super Bowl]]
* Joey asks Chandler what they're going to do for dinner. Chandler responds that they could stay in and cook for themselves. After a beat both break out in laughter at the utter absurdity of that idea.
* Phoebe's four different songs in the first half. These were songs she wrote to sing to ''children''. Doubles as heartwarming when the children she was performing for track her down because they like that her songs speak the truth, rather than the mushy material they are used to.
-->Now Grandma's a person who everyone likes,\\
She bought you a train and a bright shiny bike.\\
Well, lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,\\
And the last time you saw her she looked so much thinner...\\
Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,\\
But the truth is she died, and someday you will too.

-->There'll be times when you get older\\
When you'll want to sleep with people\\
Just to make them like you...\\
But don't!\\
Because that's another thing that you don't wanna do,\\
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.

-->Now the cow in the meadow goes "Moo."\\
Now the cow in the meadow goes "Moo."\\
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up\\
And that's how we get hamburgers!\\
''[spoken]'' Nowwww, chickens!

-->Sometimes men love women,\\
And sometimes men love men,\\
And then there are bisexuals,\\
[[NoBisexuals But some just say they're kidding themselves...]]
* Monica and Rachel discover that they have both been dating Creator/JeanClaudeVanDamme and get into a fight with each other. Phoebe breaks them apart by dragging them away by their ears. After Rachel agrees to break things off with him, we get the following reaction from Phoebe:
-->'''Phoebe:''' If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
* In [[https://youtu.be/TK4-5RzTws4 order to convince]] a LoonyFan that [[ItMakesSenseInContext Joey is Dr Drake Remoray's evil twin]], Rachel and Monica use some soap opera cliches and throw their drinks at him. Chandler doesn't want to be outdone...
-->'''Rachel:''' Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me!\\
[''Throws water in Joey's face'']\\
'''Monica:''' And then he told me he would run away with me, and he DIDN'T!\\
[''Throws water in Joey's face'']\\
'''Chandler:''' [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking And you left the toilet seat up]], you ''bastard!''\\
[''Throws water in Joey's face'']

[[AC:214: TOW the Prom Video]]
* In the episode's Chandler/Joey subplot, Joey, now financially stable after being cast on ''Series/DaysOfOurLives'', buys Chandler a gaudy gold bracelet to thank him for financially supporting him while he was a starving actor. Unfortunately, Joey walks into Central Perk while Chandler is telling Phoebe how ridiculous he finds the bracelet, and Chandler spends the rest of the episode trying to atone.
** Chandler's attempts to apologize for making fun of the bracelet go downhill when he discovers that he lost it. He then lifts up the seat cushions, and Joey sees him.
--->'''Chandler:''' I am here ''on my knees'', holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in Biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now...
** Chandler finally buys a replacement bracelet, only for Rachel to find the one he lost. When Joey sees the two bracelets, Chandler covers by saying he got him one as an apology.
--->'''Joey:''' ''[excited]'' We're bracelet buddies!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[horrified]'' That's what they'll call us!
* The gang is watching an old video of "[=FatMonica=]"; present-day Monica protests, "Come on, the camera adds ten pounds!"... prompting Chandler to [[DeadpanSnarker snark]], "So how many cameras are actually ''on'' you?"
* Another classic David Schwimmer physical comedy moment: in the video, when everyone thinks Rachel's prom date is standing her up, Jack and Judy Geller suggest Ross go as her date. He is in such a mad dash to go upstairs to change into his father's tuxedo that he trips on the stairs.

[[AC:215: TOW Ross and Rachel... You Know]]
* This episode sees the debut of Chandler and Joey's leather recliners, which they refuse to leave for most of the rest of the episode. Phoebe tries to get them to quit watching the TV for the first time in hours, only to flip out and join them when they turn on ''Film/{{Xanadu|1980}}'' of all things.
* The absurd lengths they go to to avoid having to get up. They have food delivered to Monica and Rachel's apartment. When Joey raises the possibility they might have to use the bathroom, Chandler calls the pizza place to cancel their sodas.
* Joey and Chandler watching (and acting like) [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJJN6P_Oxjg Beavis and Butt-Head]].
* During Ross and Rachel's impromptu date at the museum, they have a picnic in the planetarium. Ross turns on the projector so the entire room is lit up beautifully with stars... and then a loud recording bellows “FIVE BILLION YEARS AGO...” as Ross scrambles to turn it off. They then start making out, only for Rachel to pull back, tenderly telling Ross that it's okay he, uh, got excited too quickly. Ross is quick to tell her that they had simply rolled over one of the juice boxes.

[[AC:216: TOW Joey Moves Out]]
* Rachel grows reluctant about her plan to get a tattoo since it might not please Ross. Cue to this exchange :
-->'''Phoebe:''' Is your boyfriend the boss of you?\\
'''Rachel:''' No...\\
'''Phoebe:''' Who ''is'' the boss of you?\\
'''Rachel:''' ...You?\\
'''Phoebe:''' No! ''You'' are the boss of you!
* A woman working at the tattoo place refers to Pheebs and Rach as "blonde girl" and "not-so-blonde girl" respectively.
* Rachel is pissed off at Phoebe for goading her into getting a tattoo while chickening out of her plan to get her own tattoo of a lily (her dead mother's name).
-->'''Rachel:''' Your mother is up in heaven going, "Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?!"
* Everyone at Monica's father's birthday party knows Richard is dating a younger woman, but only Ross knows it's Monica, leading to some awkward moments. Richard's {{Squick}}ed expression at the last part sells it.
-->'''Richard:''' I am not telling you guys anything.\\
'''Jack:''' C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.\\
'''Ross:''' Dad, you really don't want to do that...\\
'''Jack:''' Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?\\
'''Richard:''' Jack, would you let it go?\\
'''Jack:''' Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50, I got the Porsche. You, you got your own little speedster.\\
'''Richard:''' Guys, seriously, it is not like that.\\
'''Jack:''' Tell you what. Maybe one of these weekends, you can borrow the car, and I could...\\
'''Ross:''' Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence...
* Richard and Monica briefly hiding in the bathroom together turns extremely awkward as Judy comes in just as Richard comes out, as he rather loudly congratulates Judy on using the bathroom so that Monica knows to hide in the shower. Judy is of course extremely weirded out.
** Then Jack comes in the bathroom while Judy is in there. They then start getting frisky, while Monica is still hiding in the shower.
** After Jack and Judy rejoin the party, Ross notices Monica following them, looking shell-shocked.
--->'''Ross:''' Mon? Mon, are you okay?\\
'''Monica:''' You know that video I found of Mom and Dad?\\
'''Ross:''' Yeah?\\
'''Monica:''' I just caught the live show.\\
'''Ross:''' Ew?
** Jack is understandably upset to find out that Monica and Richard are dating, which Monica shut down very quickly.
--->'''Monica:''' You said yourself that you've never seen Richard happier.\\
'''Jack:''' When did I say that?\\
'''Monica:''' In the bathroom, right before you felt up Mom!

[[AC:217: TOW Eddie Moves In]]
* Ross pranking Monica by telling her Richard is on the phone when it was their mom.
-->'''Monica:''' Hi sweetie - before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your place? ''(realizes who she's talking to)'' Hi mom. ''(starts throwing things at a chuckling Ross)''

[[AC:220: TOW Film/OldYeller Dies]]
* Phoebe finally sees the end of films her family wouldn't let her watch.
-->'''Phoebe:''' I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh, no! No, no, Travis, put down the gun. No, no, no, no, he... he's your buddy, he's your Yeller! No, no, no, the end! The end!\\
''[BOOM]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Okay, what kind of ''sick'' doggie snuff-movie is this?
* And apparently ''Film/OldYeller'' was not the only film that was switched off before it ended in the Buffay home:
-->'''Phoebe:''' What is happening to the world? I mean, because Film/{{ET}} leaves, and... and Film/{{Rocky}} loses, [[WesternAnimation/CharlottesWeb Charlotte]] dies...\\
'''Richard:''' Charlotte who?\\
'''Phoebe:''' With the web. The spider, she dies, she dies. She has babies and dies. It's like, you know: Hey, welcome home from the hospital. Thud.
* Monica offers Chandler and Joey leftover chicken and potatoes from her dinner with Richard.
-->'''Monica:''' All right, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.\\
'''Chandler:''' Well, how do you find clothes that fit?
* The gang try to convince Phoebe that ''Film/ItsAWonderfulLife'' lives up to its title:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, ''Film/ThePrideOfTheYankees''. I thought I was gonna see a film about yankee pride, and then, boom! The guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.\\
'''Richard:''' Uh, the guy ''was'' Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?
* Richard accepts Chandler and Joey's offer of a spare New York Knicks ticket. Monica is concerned, but Richard shrugs it off:
-->'''Richard:''' Don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends. They don't start sentences with, "You know who just died shoveling snow?"
* Monica wonders why it bothers her that Richard has gone to the basketball game with Chandler and Joey instead of spending the evening with her. Phoebe takes the long view:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pet's head off.
* Chandler's mustache draws fire immediately.
-->'''Ross:''' Look, it's the artist formerly known as Chandler.\\
'''Monica:''' With that mustache, doesn't Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia?\\
'''Ross:''' THANK YOU!
* Ross gets a bit carried away planning his future with Rachel:
-->'''Rachel:''' I don't know, you tell me! One minute I'm holding Ben like a football. The next thing I know, I've got two kids and I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes!\\
'''Ross:''' Well I'm sorry. I think about stuff. You know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.
* Richard wipes the table with Joey and Chandler at foosball:
-->'''Richard:''' But... he gets it back, passes to the middle, lines it up, and... bam! Yes! Could that shot be any prettier?\\
'''Joey:''' Man, you are incredible!\\
'''Richard:''' Well, we had a table in college.\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh, really? I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.\\
'''Richard:''' Nice moustache, by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.

[[AC:222: TOW the Two Parties]]
* In TheTeaser, the gang are at the Moondance diner planning a surprise birthday party for Rachel, and Monica, true to form, has more formal and upmarket ideas for what the party should involve than the others.
** Ross tries to slow down his sister's overly obsessive plans for the party, to no avail:
--->'''Monica:''' So I'll get candles, and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, and we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon. ''[Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross all groan]'' What!?\\
'''Ross:''' Question: Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?\\
'''Monica:''' ''[glares at Ross]'' You wanna be in charge of the food committee?\\
'''Ross:''' Question 2: Why do we always have to have parties with committees?
** Joey, however, is too distracted by the fake breasts on her work uniform to care about party details:
--->'''Monica:''' ''[noticing Joey staring]'' Joey, they're not real.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[roused from his daydreaming]'' Huh? What?\\
'''Monica:''' I start ''miles'' below the surface of these things, okay, they're fake. See? ''[squeezes one of the fake breasts]'' [[SayingSoundEffectsOutLoud Honk, honk!]]\\
'''Chandler:''' Wow, it's... it's like porno for clowns.
* At Central Perk, Rachel returns from her sister's college graduation in a sour mood:
-->'''Ross:''' Hi honey, how did it go?\\
'''Rachel:''' Ugh, it was the graduation from Hell.\\
'''Chandler:''' Y'know, my cousin went to Hell on a football scholarship.
* It turns out that Rachel's parents got into a very loud argument over their increasingly bitter divorce during the commencement address (to the point that the speaker, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, had to shush them). Unfortunately, Monica has already invited Mrs. Green, and as final preparations are being made (involving, to little enthusiasm from Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe, a birthday flan instead of a birthday cake) while Ross has taken Rachel out for dinner, Dr. Green stops by unannounced, leading to a parade of hilarity as the four friends try to keep the warring couple apart:
-->'''Monica:''' ''[answering the door]'' Dr. Green! Oh my God, it's Rachel's dad. ''[Joey lets go of the balloon he has just inflated in shock, causing it to fly around as it deflates]'' What are you doing here?\\
'''Dr. Green:''' What? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday?\\
'''Monica:''' ''[chuckles, thinking fast]'' No, no, the father can, but, um... since I am the roommate, I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, okay? So, bye-bye!\\
'''Dr. Green:''' ''[smiling, seeing through the ruse]'' Ohhh, you're having a par-ty! ''[walks past Monica into the apartment]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[closing the door after him]'' No no, not a party, just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. ''[gestures to the others]'' Um, this is Phoebe, and Chandler, and Joey.\\
'''Dr. Green:''' ... I'll never remember all of that. So, uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it? ''[walks over to the booze table, looks over the bottles, then picks up a bottle of scotch and pours himself a glass]''\\
'''Chandler:''' This isn't your first surprise party, is it, sir? ''[Dr. Green gives him an unamused look]''\\
''[someone knocks on the door; Monica opens it to reveal Mrs. Green]''\\
'''Mrs. Green:''' Hi Monica-\\
'''Monica:''' ''[slams the door shut and turns to the others; Chandler hurries over next to her]'' Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.\\
'''Chandler:''' So... basically, just a Chinese guy! ''[more knocking]''\\
'''Joey:''' Uh, hey, Dr. Green, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.\\
'''Dr. Green:''' ''[deadpan]'' All right, that sounds like a two-person job. ''[sets down his glass and follows Joey into Rachel's bedroom; Mrs. Green knocks yet again, but Monica waits until Joey and Dr. Green leave to open the door]''\\
'''Mrs. Green:''' ''[bemused]'' Well, my goodness, what was that?\\
'''Monica:''' Sandra, I am so sorry, you know, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.\\
'''Mrs. Green:''' ''[confused]'' You thought I was Rachel?\\
'''Chandler:''' Yes, because, uh, you look so young!\\
'''Phoebe:''' And because you're both - y'know - white women.\\
'''Mrs. Green:''' ''[beaming]'' Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[quickly]'' NO!... No, I'll take that for you.\\
'''Mrs. Green:''' ''[lets Chandler remove her coat]'' Oh, well, thank you! Such a gentleman. ''[handing the coat to Chandler]'' Thank you. ''[Chandler looks at the (hot pink) coat and grimaces, while Mrs. Green takes in the decorations]'' Ah, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... ''[Chandler remembers that Dr. Green is in Rachel's bedroom, so he stuffs the coat in a cupboard in the entertainment console]'' The funniest thing happened to me on the way here. ''[laughs]'' I was-\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[sees Joey peeking out of Rachel's bedroom to check if the coast is clear]'' Ha ha, that's great! ''[obvious fake laugh]'' I can't wait to hear the rest of it, y'know, but, I really have to go to the bathroom, so... hey, come with me!\\
'''Mrs. Green:''' What??\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, y'know, like at a restaurant. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon! C'mon! ''[Mrs. Green looks at Monica, who smiles and nods; Phoebe heads to the bathroom, still fake laughing, and Mrs. Green follows her in]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[panicking]'' Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[bounding over the sofa]'' Okay! Okay, think... what would [[Series/ThreesCompany Jack and Chrissy]] do?\\
'''Joey:''' ''[peeks out of the bedroom again]'' Okay, now that your coat is safely in the bedr- ''[Chandler gestures to the bathroom; Joey gets the message]'' oh, okay, we can come back out into the living room. ''[exits the bedroom with Dr. Green]''\\
'''Monica:''' So, uh, Joey and Chandler, I, I think it's time you take Dr. Green over to your place.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[races across to Joey and Dr. Green]'' Uh, yes, absolutely, um... why, again?\\
'''Monica:''' Because that's where the party is, you goon! See, this is just the staging area.\\
'''Joey:''' Right, this is staging.\\
'''Chandler:''' Yeah, this, more than anything else, is the staging area. ''[he and Joey escort Dr. Green to the door; Dr. Green notices the "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" sign over the door and gestures to it as if to say "Then what's that doing there?"]''\\
'''Joey:''' This is clearly in the wrong apartment! ''[pulls the sign down as the three of them exit]''
* And so Chandler and Joey direct the incoming guests to ''two'' parties, a more traditional and raucous party in their own apartment and the staid, formal party Monica has planned in her and Rachel's apartment. Unsurprisingly, they mostly direct the female guests to their own party and the male guests to Monica's party.
* Ross and Rachel return from their dinner date, and Rachel is ushered to first Monica's party (attended by her mother), then Chandler and Joey's party (attended by her father).
-->'''Rachel:''' Both of them are here? Both of them? Both of them are here?\\
'''Chandler:''' Well, uh, well, we could count again.
* The two parties quickly become a study in contrast.
** Chandler and Joey have a fantastic time at their party:
--->'''Chandler:''' ''[running out of the bathroom]'' Joey, Joey! Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said "I want you, Dennis," and stuck her tongue down my throat! I love this party!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[holding a volleyball]'' Quick - quick volleyball question.\\
'''Chandler:''' Volleyball.\\
'''Joey:''' Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?\\
'''Chandler:''' Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat, I'm not even listening to you.\\
'''Female voice:''' Dennis!...\\
'''Chandler:''' Okay, that's me! ''[runs back into the bathroom]''
** But the guests at Monica's party make no secret of their boredom. When she asks them to write down their most embarrassing memories on slips of paper (with strict instructions to replace the caps on the felt-tip pens - and, more specifically, to push them down until they hear a "click" - so they don't dry out), one of them writes, "Monica, your party sucks." It gets so bad that Phoebe pretends to see water rings left by glasses without coasters as a distraction to smuggle guests across to Chandler and Joey's party. When Monica eventually shows up at Chandler and Joey's to complain about the noise, she is livid to discover half the guests from her party dancing in their living room, but her rant is cut off by a volleyball to the back of her head.
* Rachel has to listen to her parents complaining about each other at turns, though it seems that one of them might be more justified than the other...
-->'''Mrs. Green:''' You work and you work and you ''work'' at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat!
-->''cut to:''
-->'''Mr. Green:''' You work and you work and you ''work'' [[SkewedPriorities on a boat...]]
* At one point, Dr. Green asks Ross to fetch him a glass of scotch, neat (which Ross initially misinterprets as a synonym for "cool" instead of "no ice"), and then tries to retrieve his cigarettes and bifocals. Ross, thinking fast, offers to get them instead, creating a bizarre impression with Mrs. Green when he runs into her:
-->'''Mrs. Green:''' ''[as Ross picks up a bottle of scotch]'' Oh, hello, Ross! Where have you been? ''[kisses him on the cheek]''\\
'''Ross:''' Hi. Uh... I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse. ''[pours a glass from the bottle]''\\
'''Mrs. Green:''' Oh, scotch neat. You know, that's Rachel's father's drink.\\
'''Ross:''' Oh, mine too! Huh, isn't that neat, scotch neat! ''[forced laugh]'' Would you excuse me? ''[exits to the corridor to see Dr. Green heading across to Monica and Rachel's apartment]'' Hey, hey, where you, uh, sneaking off to, mister?\\
'''Dr. Green:''' ''[points to Monica and Rachel's apartment]'' I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.\\
'''Ross:''' No, no.\\
'''Dr. Green:''' ''[impatiently]'' Whaddaya mean "No"!?\\
'''Ross:''' No, um, see, 'cause that, that is, that's the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole ''illu-u-usion'' of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there, and I will get your cigarettes for you, sir.\\
'''Dr. Green:''' ''[as he re-enters Chandler and Joey's]'' Get my glasses too.\\
'''Ross:''' All righty roo. ''[closes the door and pauses, pinching the bridge of his nose]'' What a great moment to say ''that'' for the first time.\\
[...]\\
'''Mrs. Green:''' ''[seeing Ross with the glasses and cigarettes]'' Ross, whose glasses are those?\\
'''Ross:''' ... Mine.\\
'''Mrs. Green:''' You wear bifocals?\\
'''Ross:''' Mm-hmm. I have a condition, apparently, ''[puts the glasses on]'' that I require... two different sets of focals.\\
'''Mrs. Green:''' Do you know my husband has glasses just like that?\\
'''Ross:''' Well!...\\
'''Rachel:''' Well, those are very popular frames.\\
'''Ross:''' Neil Sedaka wears them!\\
'''Guest:''' ''[to Phoebe]'' I hear you can get people out of here?\\
'''Mrs. Green:''' ''[looks at the cigarettes]'' Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smoked.\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh, yeah, like a chimney!\\
'''Ross:''' Ohh, big smoker! ''[taps the pack of cigarettes against his palm, accidentally flinging one at Mrs. Green; he picks it up off the floor]'' Big, big smoker. ''[puts the cigarette in his mouth, looking utterly ridiculous]'' In fact, I'm gonna go out in the hallway and fire up this bad boy! ''[exits and almost walks into Dr. Green]''\\
'''Dr. Green:''' ''[takes in the sight of Ross with a cigarette in his mouth and bifocals on his nose]'' Are you wearing my glasses?\\
'''Ross:''' ... Yes. ''[removes them and hands them over]'' I was just warming up the earpieces for you.\\
'''Dr. Green:''' Thank you. ''[polishes the lenses with his sweater, then notices the cigarette in Ross' mouth]'' Is that one of my cigarettes?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[removes it, taking a second to get it unstuck from the inside of his upper lip, and hands it over]'' Yeah! Yes it is, I was just... moistening the... tip.\\
[...]\\
'''Rachel:''' You want me to see a therapist!?\\
'''Mrs. Green:''' Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father!
* Chandler commiserates with Rachel on her parents' divorce, and reveals that his coping mechanism for his own parents' divorce was... creative:
-->'''Chandler:''' Hey... how you holdin' up there, tiger? ''[Rachel gives him a look]'' Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced, I got a lot of "tiger"s. Got a lot of "champ"s, "chief"s, "sport"s, I even got a "governor"!\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[deflated]'' This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life's gonna be like. ''[gestures]'' My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler, how did you get through this?\\
'''Chandler:''' Well, I relied on a carefully regimented programme of denial and, and wetting the bed.
* As the parties wind down, Joey is quick on his feet when it looks like Rachel's parents are going to come in contact with one another. The best part is Mrs. Green's reaction:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Well, I guess we're gonna be '''going back into the hallway now...'''\\
'''Joey:''' Thanks for coming, Mrs. Green! ''[[KissOfDistraction [smooch]]] [Mrs. Green goes limp in Joey's arms as Rachel accompanies Dr. Green to the top of the stairs and they exchange goodbyes]'' Well, okay, you take care!\\
'''Mrs Green:''' Oh, you kids! ''[stroking Joey's face and chest, then putting her hand to her own chest]'' Well, this is the ''best'' party I've ever been to in years...\\
'''Monica:''' ''[throwing her arms wide in relief]'' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint THANK you!]]
* In TheTag, we get the payoff of the flan instead of a cake and the volleyball game. Rachel makes a birthday wish, blows out the candles, and a volleyball lands right in the middle of the flan.
-->'''Rachel:''' Wow, those things almost never come true!

[[AC:224: TOW Barry and Mindy's Wedding]]
* Chandler is pursuing online romance, and inevitably Phoebe observes that for all he knows, his "girlfriend" could "be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or... it could be a guy."[[note]] Ultimately, the identity of his online girlfriend is worse than any of those: it's Janice.[[/note]] Joey has a foolproof test for the last of those:
-->'''Joey:''' Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[looks at Joey in disbelief]'' How do you not fall down more?
* Joey is auditioning for a film in which he has to kiss another man, so he tries putting the moves on every other male character in the episode. Finally, in TheTag, Ross plants a big kiss on Joey... who tells him that his audition was that morning and he didn't get the part, but that Rachel is a very lucky girl...
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Season 3]]
[[AC:301: TOW the Princess Leia Fantasy]]
* TheTeaser sees the gang entering Central Perk as usual, with Joey insisting that a girl winked at him... but their conversation is cut short when they find their usual sofa occupied. So they immediately turn around and leave, dejected.
* Joey watches ''Series/WheelOfFortune'':
-->[''the first M of "Mount Rushmore" is missing'']\\
'''Joey:''' This guy is so stupid. IT'S COUNT RUSHMORE!\\
'''Chandler:''' [[SarcasmMode Y'know, you should really go on this show!]]\\
[''later in the scene, after an argument with Chandler over Joey's hatred of Janice'']\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh, and by the way, there IS no Count Rushmore!!\\
'''Joey:''' Yeah? [[InsaneTrollLogic Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?]]\\
[''Chandler gives Joey a look of pure, concerned bewilderment before he leaves'']
* Ross gets embarrassed that Rachel tells Monica and Phoebe that he secretly wants her to role-play as [[Franchise/StarWars Princess Leia]] in her (in)famous gold bikini from ''Film/ReturnOfTheJedi'' during sex. After Rachel tells him that sharing is what girls do, he tries it with Chandler, who ends up sharing...[[{{Squick}} a bit too much.]]
-->'''Chandler:''' Okay, you know, you know when you're in bed, with a woman.\\
'''Ross:''' Hmm.\\
'''Chandler:''' And, ah, you know, you're fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle [=MacPherson=], or that girl at the Xerox place....\\
'''Ross:''' [[{{Foreshadowing}} With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa!]]\\
'''Chandler:''' I know! And then all of the sudden your ''mom'' pops into your head. And you're like: "Mom?! Get outta here!" You know, but of course, like, after that you can't ''possibly'' think of anything else, and you can't, you know, ''stop'' what you're doing! [[ParentalIncest So it's kinda like, you're, y'know.]] [[{{Squick}} Y'know...]]\\
[''Ross just stares at him in horror''] \\
'''Chandler:''' You don't know!\\
'''Ross:''' ''[nauseated]'' Your mom...? You're telling-- you're telling me, abou-- about your mom, what is ''the matter with you''?!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''YOU'' SAID--\\
'''Ross:''' I said "''share''", not "'''''scare'''''"! Got sit over there.\\
[''Chandler moves to another chair away from Ross and puts his head down like a sad child.'']
* This becomes a BrickJoke at the end of the episode when Rachel has actually bought a Slave Leia costume and is about to play out Ross's fantasy -- when she notices that he has a really weird look on his face. And for added hilarity if you're a ''Star Wars'' fan, Rachel actually DID get the hair wrong.[[note]]She is wearing Leia's iconic double "cinnamon roll" buns that only appear in ''Film/ANewHope'', while during that particular scene in ''Film/ReturnOfTheJedi'', her hair looks like [[http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VJsfxOhpynM/TZFHBHDEV7I/AAAAAAAAAMI/hECjSzOqiQ0/s1600/leia-princess-leia-organa-solo-skywalker-9301455-893-1400.jpg this.]][[/note]]
-->'''Rachel:''' Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong, did I get the hair wrong? Or what? Did you just picture it differently?\\
'''Ross:''' No, it's not you, it's...\\
[''cut to Ross's mom stood where Rachel is wearing the exact same clothes and wig'']\\
'''Judy Geller as Rachel:''' Well, what is it? C'mon, sweetie, you're kind of, like, freaking me out here.\\
'''Ross:''' [''nauseated''] I hate Chandler. The bastard ruined my life.

[[AC:302: TOW No-One's Ready]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q--6wtCPHg8 "LOOK AT ME, I'M CHANDLER! Could I BE wearing any more clothes?!"]] Especially hilarious is Chandler's reaction to Joey saying he's still going commando while wearing all of Chandler's clothes. The lines leading up to this exchange are also worth a mention:
-->'''Joey:''' Where's my underwear?\\
'''Ross:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what, you took his underwear?\\
'''Chandler:''' [[ItMakesSenseInContext He took my essence]]!\\
'''Ross:''' Okay, hold on. Joey, why-why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?\\
'''Joey:''' 'Cause I'm not wearing any underwear now.\\
'''Ross:''' Okay. Um, then, why do you have to wear underwear tonight?\\
'''Joey:''' It's a rented tux! Okay, I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.\\
'''Chandler:''' Well, then, it looks like somebody's gonna have to give somebody back his cushions.\\
'''Joey:''' Okay. You hide my clothes, I'm going to do the exact opposite to you!\\
'''Chandler''' ''[completely incredulous]'': Wha... What, are you-What, are you gonna ''SHOW'' me my clothes?\\
'''Joey:''' Hey, opposite... is opposite!\\
''[later, Joey bursts in wearing all of Chandler's clothes, which leaves Chandler completely astonished]''\\
'''Joey:''' Okay, buddy boy, here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own!\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh my god! That is ''SO'' not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!
* Pretty much anything involving Joey, Chandler, and the chair.
-->'''Chandler:''' All right, fine, I'm going, but when I get back it's CHAIR CITY, and I'm the guy who's....s-sitting in a CHAIR!
* When they accidentally spill hummus on Phoebe's dress, the best she can sputter out in rage is "Oh my God, you...ROTTEN BOYS!"
* When Monica hacks into Richard's answering machine to erase the past messages and leaves one explaining what happened ([[TooMuchInformation even blaming her erratic behaviour on her]] [[MenstrualMenace period]]), she accidentally saves it as ''the out-going message''. Cue her calling Richard's machine and hearing her message play. Monica's BigNo (twice!) sells it.
-->'''Monica:''' Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe ''they'' could change the message. Maybe they can change his number!\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.

[[AC:305: TOW Frank Jr.]]
* Joey innocently points out to Monica that her bathroom floor is "old and dingy", leading to the following exchange. The best part is Monica's completely serious reaction to the different colour of the floor under the hamper:
-->'''Monica:''' ''[seeing Joey's tight jeans]'' Hey! Where ya' headed in those pants, 1982?\\
'''Joey:''' ''[helping himself to a beer from the fridge]'' Oh, Monica, listen, I saw down at the hardware store they got those designer tiles on sale, if you ever wanna redo your bathroom floor.\\
'''Monica:''' What's wrong with my bathroom floor?\\
'''Joey:''' Nothing, it's just... old and dingy, that's all.\\
'''Monica:''' ''[smiles]'' I highly doubt that.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[chuckles]'' Oh, yeah? ''[heads for the bathroom]'' If you, uh... move your hamper, you can see the colour the tile used to be. ''[pulls the laundry hamper away from the wall; Monica gasps in horror]'' Yeah.\\
'''Monica:''' I can't live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?\\
'''Joey:''' Relax, relax! Here, hold this. ''[hands her his beer bottle]'' This old stuff comes right up, I'll show you. ''[bends down and scrapes at the floor just in front of the door with a gouge]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[her eyes drawn to Joey's tight jeans again]'' Little more than I wanted to see.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[gouges out a chunk of tile]'' Aw! Look at that! Every inch of this is glued down! It'd take forever to pry this up! ''[replaces the gouge in his tool belt and takes his beer back]'' You should, uh, you should just leave it. ''[starts to leave]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[grabs Joey and pulls him back]'' I ''can't'' leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[picks up the toilet brush holder from next to the sink and puts it over the gouge - right in the middle of the doorway - then stands back proudly]'' Eh? There you go!\\
'''Monica:''' Aw. That's nice! You know, we can put it back there after [[AssShove the surgeons remove it from your colon!]]
* The entirety of Creator/IsabellaRossellini's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOWAggYhgHQ guest appearance]], and Ross's '''painfully''' awkward conversation where he states she was originally on his (laminated!) list of celebrities he's allowed to sleep with.
-->'''Monica:''' Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?
-->'''Rachel:''' Honey, he's about to go hit on ''Isabella Rossellini.'' [[PassThePopcorn I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn.]]

[[AC:306: TOW the Flashback]]
* As the flashback begins, we learn that Ugly Naked Guy didn't always match the first part of his moniker:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Cute Naked Guy is really starting to put on weight.
* Monica seeing Joey naked:
-->'''Monica:''' Here's your glass of penis!
* Ross and Phoebe suddenly making out on a pool table. Ross bangs his head on a lamp and gets a foot stuck in one of the table's holes while on top of Phoebe. He also complains that the "stupid balls are in the way", prompting another giggle from Pheebs.
-->'''Ross:''' I can't get it out.\\
'''Phoebe:''' That's not what a girl wants to hear.

[[AC:307: TOW the Race Car Bed]]
* Ross' description of how absolutely impossible it is for him to get Rachel's father to like him.
-->'''Rachel:''' Look, I realize my father is difficult, but that's why you have got to be the bigger man here.
-->'''Ross:''' Look, sweetie, I could be the bigger man. I could be the biggest man. I could be a big, huge, ''giant'' man and it still wouldn't make a difference, except that I could pick your father up and say, (''pretending to speak to something held in his hand'') "LIKE ME, LIKE ME, TINY DOCTOR!"
** Moments later, the two actually start bonding by mocking Rachel for being irresponsible.

[[AC:308: TOW the Giant Poking Device]]
* At the end of "TOW the Racecar Bed", Monica and Joey try to return the bed in question to the Mattress King, AKA Janice's soon-to-be ex-husband... only to find him in a torrid embrace with Janice. One subplot of this episode sees them finding a way to break the news to Chandler.
** After the opening credits, Joey and Monica enter Central Perk to find Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe around the table:
--->'''Joey:''' Hey, i-is Chandler here?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[pats himself down as though looking for Chandler in his pockets]'' ... no, no he's not!
** Joey decides not to tell Chandler out of fear at how he will react - until he and Chandler pass a jeweller's and Chandler decides to go in to buy Janice a birthday present. Joey's attempts to talk him out of it don't go well:
--->'''Chandler:''' ''[as he and Joey pass the jeweller's window]'' Hey, hold on a sec, hold on a sec. ''[points at a necklace]'' Do you think these pearls are nice?\\
'''Joey:''' I'd really prefer a mountain bike.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[smiles thinly]'' Janice's birthday is coming up, I wanna get her something special. ''[Joey visibly wrestles with whether to tell Chandler the truth]'' Come in here with me.\\
'''Joey:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. You, uh... you wanna get her something special. Get her flowers, get her candy - get her gum. Girls love gum!\\
'''Chandler:''' That's a good idea. "Dear Janice: Have a Hubba Bubba birthday!" ''[Joey gestures in agreement]'' I would like to get her something ''serious''.\\
'''Joey:''' Ohhh, you want something ''serious''. You know what you should do? You should get her one of those, um... barium enemas! Those are ''dead'' serious!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[absorbs this]'' All right. Look, I'm gonna go in there, and you don't buy me anything ''ever!''
* In another subplot, Monica and Rachel are left in charge of looking after Ross' son, Ben.
** The girls try to get Ben to laugh by swinging him up and down, only to bump his head against a beam and cause a bumped bruise to appear:
--->'''Rachel:''' We're not OK. Oh, god. There's a lump on his head.\\
'''Monica:''' Well push it in! PUSH IT IN!\\
'''Rachel:''' I cannot push it in!
** They decide to cover up his bump with a hat. Rachel says "I'll get Rainy Day Bear," and Monica snarks "Because ''he'll'' know what to do?" - Rachel wants the hat on the bear's head. When Monica tries to pull the hat off, she ends up ripping the bear's entire head off. Rachel then wails, "It's like a blood bath in here today!"
** That episode becomes even funnier in hindsight, since Ben starts saying "Monica Bang," basically getting ready to squeal on Monica. Looking back, it almost sounds like he's saying "Monica '''Bing'''."
** Rachel tries to defuse the situation by hitting her head against the beam repeatedly while saying "Rachel Bang", but gives up after the pain gets to be too much.
--->'''Rachel:''' Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it.
** A scene later on has Ross discover through Rachel about his son's injury and decides to mess with Monica by telling her that Ben is suddenly no good at the alphabet anymore and he is also walking funny. This causes Monica to break down and shout "OH GOD I WRECKED YOUR BABY!" as she runs in the bedroom to check on Ben. Rachel's snarky, "I hope it's still funny when you're in ''hell''" is funny enough, but then Monica comes back a moment later and chases Ross around for being such a jerk. Cue LaserGuidedKarma on Ross when he smacks his head into another beam.
--->'''Rachel:''' (heading back into her room) I'll get the hat.
** That beam is eventually gone in later episodes. [[FridgeBrilliance Maybe they had it removed because it was such a hazard?]]
** Watch Rachel as Ross plays his little trick. She can't keep a straight face and turns away so Monica can't see.
* And in the subplot which gives the episode its name, Phoebe is resisting going to the dentist with a toothache because the last few times she went to the dentist, someone she knew died while she was in the chair. She finally caves and, after returning from the dentist, calls everyone she knows (Chandler doesn't pick up at first as he is confronting Janice over two-timing him, causing a panicked Phoebe to charge across from Monica and Rachel's apartment) and confirms they're all still alive... until Joey notices Ugly Naked Guy hasn't moved since that morning. Since he and Chandler have pairs of chopsticks from the many times they've ordered Chinese food, Joey leads the others in fashioning a giant poking device, which they stick through Monica and Rachel's window like thread through a needle and then through Ugly Naked Guy's window. Fortunately for Phoebe's future dental health, he's very much alive - and not happy about having his nap interrupted:
-->'''Rachel:''' Hey-hey, now he's showing us ''his'' poking device.\\
'''Joey:''' Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!

[[AC:309: TOW the Football]]
* The story of the Geller Cup.
-->'''Ross:''' So Mom forbade us to play and Dad threw the Geller Cup into the lake.\\
'''Chandler:''' And the curse was lifted?
* When Monica reveals she fetched the cup from the lake:
-->'''Chandler:''' Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?\\
'''Everyone Else:''' Yeah.\\
'''Chandler:''' Okay, good.
* And also:
-->'''Ross:''' ''[to Monica]'' Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater!\\
''[Everyone gasps. Ross crossed a line]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh, my GOD!
* Phoebe's method of distracting Chandler: Lifting up her shirt so he'd stop to look at her boobs. It works.
** Chandler accidentally walked in on Rachel before, and got together with Monica later, which means he got to see the breasts of ''all three of the girls'' over time! Lucky ol' Chandy.

[[AC:310: TOW Rachel Quits]]
* In a bit of ComedicSociopathy, Ross demonstrating a backflip... right into a girl scout, who shrieks.
-->'''Monica:''' You broke a little girl's leg?!!\\
'''Ross:''' I know. I feel horrible. Okay.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[reading the paper]'' Says here that a muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night. Where exactly were you around ten-ish?
* Ross finds out a great pusher for cookie sales: the munchies!

[[AC:311: TOW Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister]]
* Chandler's a kisser when he's drunk.
-->'''Chandler:''' Look, when I’ve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I’m sorry.\\
'''Monica:''' That's okay.\\
'''Rachel:''' That's all right.\\
'''Ross:''' [[HoYay That's okay]].

[[AC:312: TOW All the Jealousy]]
* Chandler, Joey and Ross talking about Rachel and Mark.
-->'''Chandler:''' Then she'll be like "I should be with him 'cause he understands me".\\
'''Joey:''' And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, "Oh, man!" And he'll be all, "Yes!" And us, we'll be like "Oh, dude!" And pretty soon you'll be like, "Hi," and, "Well, I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there." And we'll be like, "Man, get over it, it's been four years!"
-->'''Chandler:''' He paints quite a picture, doesn't he?
* Joey's ridiculous dancing, which he teaches to an entire troupe at an audition. He lied about his dancing experience, so when it comes time for him alone to do a complex routine in front of everyone, he does the only thing possible as the music starts: [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere run for the exit]].
* Monica gets revenge on Julio for his sexist comments about American women by hiring the barbershop quartet Ross sent to Rachel's workplace and having them sing to Julio in the middle of the diner. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLnahXpHsN4 The result]] is glorious.
-->'''Quartet:''' You're no God's-gift-to-women,\\
that's all in your head!\\
You are just a butt-munch!\\
(No-one likes a butt-much!)\\
And you're also bad in beeeeee-eeeeeeee-eeeeeed!

[[AC:313: TOW Monica and Richard are Just Friends]]
* The entire subplot about Phoebe's new boyfriend Robert, who wears short shorts in the middle of winter... with nothing underneath.
** Chandler is the first to get an unwilling and unwitting glimpse of "little Robert":
--->''[Ross and Chandler are on the sofa at Central Perk as Phoebe enters with Robert, both of them carrying rollerblades]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Um - Chandler, Ross, this is Robert.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[standing and shaking Robert's hand]'' Hey.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[doing likewise]'' Oh, hey.\\
'''Phoebe:''' You have lipstick right here. ''[indicates her cheek]''\\
'''Robert:''' Oh! ''[wipes off his (other) cheek]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[off Chandler and Ross' concerned looks]'' That's okay, it's mine, we just kissed. ''[Chandler and Ross nod; Ross sits down again]''\\
'''Chandler:''' So isn't it a bit cold out for shorts? ''[sits down again]''\\
'''Robert:''' Well... ''[sits on the arm of Phoebe's chair]'' I'm from California.\\
'''Chandler:''' ... right, right, sometimes you guys just burst into flame.\\
''[Robert looks perplexed by Chandler's quip, but shrugs it off and puts one foot up on the table as he begins talking to Phoebe, affording Chandler an unwanted glimpse up his shorts. Chandler gets a horrified look on his face; eventually, he thinks through enough of the shock to stand up]''\\
'''Chandler:''' I'm up!... ''[clears throat]'' I'm up! I've... gotten up... now! Anybody, uh, want anything?\\
'''Phoebe:''' I'll have coffee!\\
'''Robert:''' Yeah, me too!\\
'''Ross:''' Yeah, make that three.\\
'''Chandler:''' Okay! Ross, why don't you come with me?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[confused]'' Okay... ''[joins Chandler at the counter]'' Wha... ''[laughs]'' What is the matter with you? What's going on?\\
'''Chandler:''' Robert's coming out.\\
'''Ross:''' What- what do you mean, he- what, is he gay?\\
'''Chandler:''' No, he- ''[sighs, spends a few moments searching for the right words]'' He's coming out of his shorts.\\
'''Ross:''' ... ''what!?''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''The man is showing brain.''\\
'''Ross:''' Are you sure? ''[Chandler grimaces and nods]'' Hold on... ''[walks back to Phoebe and Robert, clears his throat]'' I'm sorry, you guys, that was a coffee and a...\\
'''Robert:''' Coffee.\\
'''Ross:''' Okay.\\
'''Robert:''' We could write it down for you!\\
'''Ross:''' ''[leaning over the back of the sofa]'' No! No, that won't be, uh... won't be necessa... ''[sees what Chandler saw and dissolves into nervous laughter, then rejoins Chandler at the counter]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Well?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[still in shock]'' Yeah! Yeah. Yeah.\\
'''Chandler:''' What do we do? What do we do?\\
'''Ross:''' I suppose we just... try to... not look directly at it.\\
'''Chandler:''' ... like an eclipse.
** Later, it's Joey's turn to be unknowingly flashed by Robert...
--->''[Joey and Chandler are on the sofa at Central Perk while Ross is at a nearby table; Phoebe and Robert enter with basketball gear]''\\
'''Phoebe, Robert:''' Hey.\\
'''Ross:''' Hey, how'd the, uh, basketball go?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh! Okay, I learned how to shoot a layup, a foul shot, and a 23-pointer. ''[tosses the basketball to Chandler]''\\
'''Chandler:''' You mean a three-pointer?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh. I get more because I'm dainty! ''[Robert smiles and shrugs]''\\
'''Robert:''' So, um, is there a phone here, I can check my messages?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeah, in the back. Do you want a quarter? ''[begins digging in her pockets]''\\
'''Robert:''' Oh, no, thanks, I always carry one in my sock. ''[puts his foot up on the arm of the sofa, right in Chandler's line of sight; Chandler tries to look away while Ross studies his book very closely, and eventually Chandler starts leaning against Joey, who has just re-started his attempt at reading ''Literature/LittleWomen'']''\\
'''Joey:''' What are you doing!? ''[shoves Chandler to the other end of the sofa]'' Get back over on your side of the- ''[sees what Chandler was trying to avoid looking at]'' HELLOOO! ''[exchanges a shocked look with Ross, then tries to cover his outburst by extending his hand]'' Hi. I'm Joey. We haven't met.\\
'''Robert:''' ''[shakes Joey's hand]'' Hi, good to meet you. Robert. ''[goes back to the payphone as Joey, Chandler, and Ross start laughing]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[returning with a cup of coffee]'' What? What? You guys, what is going on? ''[sits on the sofa between Joey and Chandler]'' Do you not like Robert? ''[Joey, Chandler, and Ross just laugh harder]'' Why are you laughing!?\\
'''Ross:''' Calm down, there's no reason to get [[{{Pun}} testy]]. ''[Joey and Chandler roar with laughter]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' You guys, come on!\\
'''Chandler:''' We're sorry. We're sorry. It just seems that Robert isn't as ''concealed''... in the shorts area... as, uh, one may have hoped.\\
'''Phoebe:''' What do you mean?\\
'''Robert:''' ''[returns from the payphone and sits in the armchair]'' Hey.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Hey.\\
'''Joey:''' Uh, Robert! Could you, uh... ''[stifles a laugh]'' uh, pass me those cookies?\\
'''Robert:''' Sure! ''[puts one foot up on the table; now it's Phoebe's turn to see up his shorts. She gasps in horror]''
** Phoebe attempts to persuade Robert to wear stretch pants instead of shorts. Chandler enthusiastically adds his voice to Phoebe's:
--->'''Chandler:''' Stretchy pants?! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day!
** But Robert claims stretch pants make him feel too exposed, and he ends up inadvertently flashing Rachel as well after bending down to pick up his keys, so Phoebe decides she has to tell him about his accidental exposures. However, she can't find a tactful way to tell him why he is starting to make her uncomfortable - fortunately, Gunther isn't as concerned about tact:
--->''[Phoebe joins Chandler on the sofa at Central Perk; Ross is in the armchair]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Robert will be here any second, so... could one of you just tell him? ''[Ross groans in disgust]'' Please! Right now, every time I see him, it's like, "Is it on the loose? Is it watching me?" ''[Ross and Chandler make "Absolutely not" gestures]''\\
'''Chandler:''' We can't tell him! You can't go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his... stuff.\\
'''Ross:''' He's right, even if it's to say something complimentary. ''[slowly gets a "What did I just say!?" look on his face]''\\
'''Robert:''' ''[entering with a gym bag; sits on the opposite armchair to Ross]'' Hey!\\
'''Phoebe:''' Hey.\\
'''Robert:''' So, you ready for the gym? They've got this new rock climbing wall - we can spot each other!\\
'''Phoebe:''' ... yeah, I can spot you from here.\\
'''Robert:''' ... what?\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[hesitantly]'' Okay, listen, Robert...\\
'''Ross:''' ''[to Chandler]'' Hey, don't we have to...? ''[gets up from his chair]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Yeah, we got- yeah. Mm-''mm''. ''[he and Ross leave together]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Um... ''[scoots along the sofa, and sighs]'' I think you're really, really great-\\
'''Robert:''' ''[thinking he knows where this is going]'' Ohh, God! Here we go ''again''... why does this keep ''happening'' to me? ''[puts one of his feet on the table]'' Is it something I'm putting out there? ''[Phoebe rolls her eyes and tries to avoid eye contact with Robert for fear of seeing "little Robert"]'' Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts?\\
'''Phoebe:''' I - I - I - I - I don't know - I don't know what to say...\\
'''Gunther:''' ''[bends over to clear the table and sees up Robert's shorts]'' Hey buddy? This is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house.\\
''[Robert looks down and finally gets it; he puts his foot back on the floor and looks thoroughly embarrassed]''
* Rachel and Joey's subplot sees them swapping their copies of ''Literature/LittleWomen'' and ''Literature/TheShining'' (they've read their own books dozens of times but have never read each other's). When they check in to see how the other is doing, Joey accidentally spoils the ending of ''The Shining'' for her. After some duelling spoilers Rachel decides to bring out the big gun.
-->'''Rachel:''' [[ItWasHisSled Beth dies]].\\
'''Joey:''' [''gasps and jumps off the couch in horror''] Beth, Beth ''dies''?\\
'''Rachel:''' Mmm-hmm.\\
'''Joey:''' [''to the other guys''] Is that true? If I keep reading is Beth going to die?\\
'''Chandler:''' No, Beth doesn't die, she doesn't die. Does she Rachel?\\
'''Rachel:''' What?\\
'''Ross:''' Joey's asking if you just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Creator/JackNicholson?\\
'''Rachel:''' No. She doesn't die.\\
'''Joey:''' Then why would you say that?!\\
'''Rachel:''' Because, I wanted to hurt you.
* In TheTag, Joey enters Monica and Rachel's apartment in tears; he has read most of the way to the end of ''Little Women'' and has discovered that, yes, Beth March ''does'' die. So Rachel offers to do with the book what Joey does with his copy of ''The Shining'' when it gets too scary for him: put it in the freezer.

[[AC:316: TO the Morning After]]
* When Ross insists on talking about his cheating, this happens, with Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey listening from the bedroom, which they're afraid to leave:
-->'''Rachel:''' How was she?\\
'''Chandler:''' Uh-oh.\\
'''Ross:''' What?\\
'''Rachel:''' Was she good?\\
'''Joey:''' Don't answer ''that''.\\
'''Rachel:''' Come on, Ross. You said you wanted to talk about it. Let's talk about it! How was she?\\
'''Ross:''' She was...\\
'''Joey:''' Awful. Horrible.\\
'''Chandler:''' Not good.\\
'''Joey:''' Nothing compared to you.\\
'''Ross:''' She... She was different.\\
''[Chandler and Joey groan]''
* As Rachel is physically assaulting Ross:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Should we do something?\\
'''Chandler:''' Yeah. Never cheat on Rachel.
* After a while...
-->'''Chandler:''' You know what? I think we can go out there. They have more important things to worry about.\\
'''Joey:''' Yeah, we'll be fine.\\
'''Ross:''' Look, Rachel, I wanted to tell you. I thought I should, I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.\\
''[Monica and Phoebe give them censuring looks]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[hands Phoebe can of leg wax]'' Wax the door shut. We're never leaving, ever.
* The four end up eating the wax because they're so hungry. Inevitably, Joey ''likes'' it.

[[AC:318: TOW The Hypnosis Tape]]
* Gunther tells Chandler that he can't smoke at Central Perk:
-->'''Chandler:''' Oh come on man! At least let me finish this last one.\\
'''Gunther:''' Okay, but only if you give me a drag.\\
'''Chandler:''' Okay. ''(Chandler hands him the cigarette, and he takes a long drag)''\\
'''Gunther:''' Oh dark mother, once again I suckle at your smokey teat. ''(hands Chandler back the cigarette)''\\
'''Chandler:''' No, no, why don’t you hold onto that one.
* When Frank leaves to fetch his fiancée, the others voice their concerns about the matter:
-->'''Monica:''' Pheebs, don't you think he's a little ''young'' to get married?\\
'''Phoebe:''' What? He's eighteen.\\
'''Ross:''' Exactly. It'll be ''illegal'' for him to drink at his own ''bachelor party.''\\
'''Joey:''' Yeah, or-or to get a hooker!\\
'''Chandler:''' (without looking up from his newspaper) ''Always illegal, Joe.''
** Later in the episode Phoebe tries to have Joey and Ross convince Frank not to go through with the wedding. Instead the three end up bonding over their desire to have a love like Frank and Alice. It ends with the two championing Frank's engagement.
-->'''Ross:''' Their love is so pure.
* Rachel gives Chandler a Hypnosis Tape to help him stop smoking. It works on that front, but it has some side effects.
-->'''Tape:''' You are a strong, independent woman. You don't need to smoke.
** Later Joey attempts to take advantage of this by hypnotizing Chandler into making him sandwiches every day. The blatant disconnect from the tape finally wakes Chandler.

[[AC:319: TOW the Tiny T-shirt]]
* Chandler and Phoebe's conversation about ComicBook/SpiderMan's name. Even funnier when you see Monica laughing to herself at this conversation:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Hey, why isn't it Spiderman? Y'know, like Goldman, Silverman?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[confused]'' Because it- it's not his last name.\\
'''Phoebe:''' It isn't?\\
'''Chandler:''' No, it's not like... Phil Spiderman! He's a Spider... Man! Y'know, like, uh, like Goldman is a last name, but there's no ''gold man''!\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh okay... There should BE a Gold Man!

[[AC:320: TOW the Dollhouse]]
* The episode's A-plot is kicked off by Ross delivering the news that his and Monica's aunt passed away. Monica's reaction initially puzzles Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler:
-->'''Ross:''' ''[entering Monica and Rachel's apartment]'' Hey.\\
'''Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, Monica:''' Hey.\\
'''Ross:''' Monica, uh... ''[puts his hands on her shoulders]'' Dad called this morning. Aunt Sylvia passed away.\\
'''Monica:''' ''[{{beat}}]'' YES! ''[stands up]'' YES! Yeah, yeah, yeah! ''[pumps her fist in celebration]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[deadpan]'' We were all pretty shaken up about it.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Wait, am I missing something, though? 'Cause I always thought that death was supposed to be sad, in a way.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[putting his hand on Monica's shoulder again]'' Well, Aunt Sylvia was... well, not a nice person.\\
'''Monica:''' Ugh. She was a ''cruel'', cranky old bitch. ''[Ross gives her a DisapprovingLook]'' And I'm sorry she died. ''[a thought occurs]'' Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?\\
'''Ross:''' You get the dollhouse.\\
'''Monica:''' ''[delighted]'' I get the dollhouse! ''[Chandler smiles and nods at her]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was a kid, I had a barrel.\\
'''Joey:''' Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?\\
'''Phoebe:''' ... no, just a barrel.\\
'''Monica:''' You know what? You can play with ''my'' dollhouse.\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[excited]'' Really? Really?\\
'''Monica:''' Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse. But '''no''', it was to be looked at, but never played with!\\
'''Chandler:''' My grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me. ''[the other four look at him]'' More a bathtub type situation.
* One of the subplots sets a multi-episode story arc in motion as Chandler, having taken Rachel to lunch in exchange for a Bloomingdale's summer lingerie catalogue, meets her boss, Joanna:
-->'''Joanna:''' Rachel, I need the Versace invoice. ''[seeing Chandler]'' Hello. You don't work for me.\\
'''Rachel:''' Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing. ''[to Chandler]'' Joanna.\\
'''Joanna:''' ''[shaking Chandler's hand]'' Bing! That's a great name.\\
'''Chandler:''' Thanks. It's, uh, Gaelic for "Thy turkey's done!"
* Inevitably, Monica has too many rules for what Phoebe can and cannot put in her aunt's dollhouse, so Phoebe makes her own, complete with a room of furniture made from confectionery, strings of Christmas lights, and a bubble machine; Ross and Rachel find it much more interesting than the antique, while Chandler...
-->'''Chandler:''' ''[entering just as Phoebe switches on the bubble machine]'' Hey, my father's house does that!
* Sadly, Phoebe's dollhouse meets a tragic end. Ross enters Monica and Rachel's apartment while Monica is in the shower, and realises he can smell smoke - the dollhouse has caught fire! He tries blowing it out, to no avail, then he tries filling a glass of water from the sink, but the shower is siphoning off the water pressure, causing him to grow impatient and empty the glass when it's only half full, still to no avail. So he picks up the burning dollhouse and moves toward the sink, then changes his mind and kicks in the bathroom door. We hear the sound of the shower curtain being pulled back, followed by Monica screaming. A later exchange implies that Ross chose a ''very'' unfortunate moment to pull back the curtain...
-->'''Ross:''' ''[surveying the blackened remnants of Phoebe's dollhouse with a bathrobe-clad Monica]'' Sorry I, I scared you in there.\\
'''Monica:''' Oh, that's okay. ''[{{Beat}}]'' By the way, I was just... checking... the shower massager.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[{{Squick}}ed by the memory]'' [[SureLetsGoWithThat Yeah.]]
* In TheTag, Joey, after experiencing what it is to sleep with someone he's really into only to be blown off afterward, is calling his old hookups to apologize.
-->'''Joey:''' Hello, Jennifer? Oh, hi, Mrs. Lorio. Is Jennifer there? Ah, she's not home, huh? Well, uh, actually, I kind of need to talk to you, too.

[[AC:321: TOW a Chick and a Duck]]
* Ross isn't the only Geller who falls for ThatCameOutWrong, as Rachel discovers when Monica reveals that Pete, her software tycoon admirer, has bought a restaurant and wants her to be head chef:
-->'''Monica:''' Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant?\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[sarcastically]'' What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?\\
'''Monica:''' I mean, this has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica's Bakery. ''[Rachel just stares at her waiting to see if she just heard what she said]''

[[AC:322: TOW the Screamer]]
* Joey appearing in what seemed to be a serious play, until he said "Now, I'm gonna get on this spaceship..." The best part of that was the buildup. Scenes from the play appeared in many episodes throughout the season, and it was made out to be one of those gritty off-off-Broadway productions. Then, after months, the spaceship landed.
* Chandler's line when they find Rachel's boyfriend freaking out at the birds.
-->'''Chandler:''' Step away from the duck.

[[AC:323: TOW Ross' Thing]]
* The A plot involves Ross discovering a strange growth on the small of his back.
** He tries showing it to Chandler and Joey, which is awkward enough as it is, but then things get even more embarrassing:
--->'''Ross:''' ''[entering Chandler and Joey's apartment]'' Hey.\\
'''Chandler, Joey:''' Hey.\\
'''Ross:''' Listen, I, I need a favour, um... I was in the shower, and as I was... cleansing myself, I, uh, I f- I, well, I felt something.\\
'''Chandler:''' Was it like a sneeze, only better?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[glares at Chandler]'' No! No, I mean, I mean, like, a ''thing'' on my body.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[grimacing]'' Well, what was it?\\
'''Ross:''' Well, I- ''[sighs]'' I don't know, it's k- it's kinda in a place that's not... that's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping that you guys could, could help me out. ''[starts unfastening his trousers]''\\
'''Joey:''' WHOA!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[simultaneously with Joey]'' HEY! No!\\
'''Ross:''' C'mon you guys, it's no big deal! ''[turns around and pulls his trousers down slightly; Chandler and Joey continue to make disgusted sounds of protest until they actually see the "thing" on Ross' back]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[intrigued]'' Huh.\\
'''Ross:''' Well, what is it, is it a mole? ''[backs toward Joey and Chandler, who jump back from him]''\\
'''Joey:''' No, it's... too wrinkly to be a mole.\\
'''Ross:''' Well... ew, is it, what, a pimple?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[as he and Joey move to get a better look]'' No, it's... ''fancier'' than a pimple. Look, Ross, why don't you just go see a d-\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[entering]'' Hey guys, what's... ''[trails off as she takes in the sight of Ross with his trousers lowered and Chandler and Joey looking at his backside; the three guys give her "deer in headlights" looks for a few seconds]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[pulling Ross' shirt down past his waist]'' Okay. Well, it's definite: two more weeks of winter. ''[claps Ross on the shoulder]''\\
'''Ross:''' Ahhh.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[points to Rachel]'' Yeah - right! ''[a thoroughly weirded out Rachel leaves, closing the door behind her]''
** So Ross seeks medical advice, but he tells Chandler and Joey that while the doctor said the growth is benign, he couldn't identify it and so was reluctant to remove it (Joey suggesting that they might name the growth after Ross does not improve his mood). So Chandler refers him to Dr. Rhodes, the doctor who removed his third nipple, and Ross tries telling Dr. Rhodes that ''he'' has a third nipple, but things quickly go south from there:
--->'''Ross:''' Yeah, uh, th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know, just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. ''[forced laugh]'' You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off!\\
'''Dr. Rhodes:''' ''[nods and heads over to the counter in the exam room]'' Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. ''[he puts on a rubber glove as Ross starts unfastening and lowering his trousers]'' What are you doing!?\\
'''Ross:''' Just showing you my run-of-the-mill, slice-it-right-off third nipple. ''[shows Dr. Rhodes his growth]''\\
'''Dr. Rhodes:''' Well, that's not a third nipple.\\
'''Ross:''' No?\\
'''Dr. Rhodes:''' First of all, it's on your ass.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[rolls eyes]'' Well, then what ''is'' it?!\\
'''Dr. Rhodes:''' Wait a minute, hold it. ''[crosses to the exam room door and opens it]'' Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?\\
'''Dr. Johnson:''' ''[off-screen]'' I'm with Hamilton!\\
'''Dr. Rhodes:''' ''[while looking at Ross]'' He's good with weird things, bring him in too.
** Dr. Rhodes ends up calling in a crowd of at least fifteen fellow doctors to look at Ross' growth:
--->'''Ross:''' ''[lying face down on the examining table with a cloth over his backside as the huge crowd of doctors gathers round him]'' You know, I have dinner plans!\\
'''Dr. Rhodes:''' Thank you ''so'' much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've, I-I've been practising medicine for twenty-three years, and... I'm stumped. ''[lifts the cloth; the other doctors mutter in awe and bend forward for a closer look, while Ross looks as though he wishes the exam table would open up and swallow him whole]''
** So Phoebe recommends that Ross visit her herbalist, Guru Saj, who diagnoses the growth as a "kundus" and insists that Ross must treat it with love... at least, until he accidentally cuts it off when it snags in his watch strap.
* In one of the B plots, Monica is watering her boyfriend Pete's plants while he is in Atlanta on business (he says they need to talk when she returns; Chandler suggests that if he's breaking up with her, he and Joey can "water" Pete's plants instead) and invites the other five to explore his luxury apartment.
** Then Pete calls on his video phone, and the others try - and fail - to hide by immediately dropping to the floor (or, in Chandler's case, lying flat on the sofa):
--->'''Pete:''' Hey Monica, how's it going?\\
'''Monica:''' ''[covering, badly]'' Oh, it's, um, good! It's, um, it's good, just here watering the plants!\\
'''Pete:''' Well, don't forget that ficus over there by Rachel.\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[standing up]'' Ah... Chandler's on the couch!\\
'''Pete:''' I see him. You guys are just the worst hiders ever.
** Joey pokes his nose into Pete's bank book and sees that he's written a $50,000 cheque to a ring design company, leading everyone to conclude that he's going to propose to Monica! An excited Ross exclaims that they need to call their mother, but Pete's video phone interprets the command "Call Mom!" to mean "Call ''Pete's'' mom". So she appears on the screen, whereupon ''all six'' friends immediately drop to the floor; the confused expression on Mrs. Becker's face is the cherry on the sundae.
* In another B plot, Phoebe is dating two men at once: Vince, a fireman whom she likes for his physique, and Jason, a kindergarten teacher whom she likes for his sensitivity. However, she finds it too difficult to keep them from finding out about each other, so she decides she has to break up with one of them.
** Her first instinct is to break up with Vince, as she admits to the others that sensitivity is more important than physique. Her delivery of this explanation is not convincing:
--->'''Phoebe:''' All right, I gotta go. I have break up with Vince.\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh, so you're going with the teacher, huh?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it's just Jason's so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think, sensitive, it's just better than having just, like, a really, really, really nice... body. ''[trails off as she starts daydreaming about Vince's body, but finally snaps out of it]'' Jason! Definitely Jason!
** But it turns out Vince is just as sensitive as Jason; he gets distraught when Phoebe tells him she thinks they shouldn't see each other and goes off to write in his journal, and Phoebe later tells Monica and Rachel that he has also done charcoal drawings of her (since he has access to a steady supply). So she decides to break up with Jason after all, in the process reinforcing where her true priorities lie:
--->'''Phoebe:''' Okay, so Jason is sensitive, ''[holds up a finger on her left hand]'' but now so's Vince, ''[holds up a finger on her right hand]'' plus, Vince has the body, y'know? ''[adds a second finger on her right hand... and then a third]'' So, it's really just about the math, y'know?
** Unfortunately for Phoebe, when she drops by Jason's apartment, he has removed his shirt to do some carpentry, and he turns out to be just as muscular as Vince, so she backs out of breaking up with him as well. Eventually, while she is performing a set at Central Perk for an audience including Vince and Jason walks in, we hear her internal monologue as she panics, but resolves to keep playing as if nothing's wrong... only for the lyrics to immediately devolve into sporadic, mumbled syllables of complete nonsense, forcing her to abandon the song entirely.
** At first, it seems Phoebe never had anything to worry about, as Vince and Jason both say they're fine with the relationship not being exclusive. That is, until Jason discovers that Phoebe slept with Vince but not him, and Vince... takes exception to Phoebe's disregard for fire safety when she admits to having a candlelit dinner with Jason in Central Park.

[[AC:324: TOW the Ultimate Fighting Championship]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8QKYHX5g6w Robin Williams and Billy Crystal]] appear in TheTeaser. They weren't scripted to appear, but happened to be nearby at the time of filming (just finishing wrapping up production of ''Film/FathersDay'') , so the producers asked them to step in. The result was an [[ThrowItIn ad-libbed]] performance that was utterly hilarious, with Thomas (Robin) telling Tim (Billy) that he thinks his wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist, as "he's got access", and wondering if maybe his wound (which is still "oozing") is to blame, only for Tim to confess that he's the one sleeping with Thomas' wife ("So you're the gynaecologist?" Joey asks), leading to Thomas storming out, Tim running after him begging forgiveness, and Monica completely forgetting the news she had for the other five.
* One of the episode's subplots sees Chandler's boss, Doug, expressing enthusiasm for Chandler's contributions by smacking him on the backside. The rest of the gang have... various reactions to the news, as well as Chandler's chosen method of delivery:
-->'''Ross:''' That's right, Ryder. Creator/WinonaRyder for six... Thank you. ''[hangs up and turns to the others]'' Yeah, we have the reservations.\\
'''Rachel:''' Yes!\\
'''Chandler:''' All right buddy, way to go! ''[smacks Ross on the butt]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[disgusted]'' Dude, what are you doing?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''Thank you!'' Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeesh, what'd you do about it?\\
'''Chandler:''' Well, I didn't do anything. I didn't want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.\\
'''Monica:''' I gotta tell ya, I think it's okay to be that guy.\\
'''Joey:''' Yeah, maybe it's like, y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football players pat each other after touchdowns? ''[pats Ross on the backside; Ross glares at him and throws his arms out in a "What the hell!?" gesture]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Y'know I don't- I don't understand guys, I mean, I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin' her boob!\\
'''Chandler:''' Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just, y'know, stick your head in between 'em.\\
'''Monica:''' ''[unamused]'' Okay, can we please go eat?\\
'''Joey:''' ''[as everyone heads for the door]'' Yeah. What are we getting?\\
'''Monica:''' ''[glaring at Chandler]'' Anything but stew.\\
'''Ross:''' All right so, Chandler, from now on, don't give your boss a chance to get you. Y'know, just, ah, don't turn your back to him.\\
'''Joey:''' Yeah, ''or'' you could teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you could rub something that smells really bad on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack you, his hand will smell. ''[to himself]'' Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad? ''[looks toward the ceiling in thought]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[looks at Joey in disbelief, then turns to Ross and Monica]'' What if Joey was president?
* Phoebe and Rachel are the last to leave for dinner as part of "Winona Ryder, party of six" as Phoebe asks Rachel if it would upset her if she were to set Ross up with her friend Bonnie, whom she describes as "average height, average build... bald..." That's more than enough to convince Rachel to agree. Phoebe conveys her gratitude by slapping Rachel on the backside; the look Rachel gives her is priceless.
* To Rachel's horror, when she meets Phoebe at Central Perk before going to the movies, she meets Bonnie (Christine Taylor)... and finds that she is no longer bald.
-->'''Rachel:''' ''[as she and Phoebe exit Central Perk]'' You said she was bald.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeah, she ''was'' bald. She's not now.\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[looks through the window at Bonnie, then at Phoebe]'' How could you not tell me she has hair?\\
'''Phoebe:''' I don't know, I hardly ever say that about people!
* The news Monica had in the opening scene is that her boyfriend, Pete, has decided to become an MMA fighter and enter the Ultimate Fighting Championship, which he claims is banned in 49 states.[[note]] When this episode aired in 1996, it was actually banned in 36 states (thanks to a campaign started by US Senator John [=McCain=]) - and one of them was New York.[[/note]] After his first fight goes badly, his coach thinks having Monica there was a distraction, so they decide to watch his second fight on television. It goes even ''more'' badly:
-->''[Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are on the balcony of Monica and Rachel's apartment, gathered around a barbeque]''\\
'''Joey:''' ''[leaning out of the window]'' Hey, the fight's starting!\\
'''Ross:''' Okay, we'll be right in. ''[Joey heads back inside; Ross turns to Chandler]'' So, ah, did your boss try to slap you again today?\\
'''Chandler:''' Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But it's gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow I'm conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[leaning out of the window again]'' [[CurbStompBattle Fight's over!]] ''[Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are stunned]''
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Season 4]]
[[AC:401: TOW the Jellyfish]]
* Chandler, Joey and Monica [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk4d8IBw7SQ explaining what happened to them at the beach]] after Monica was stung by a jellyfish and remembered one folk remedy for the sting:
-->'''Ross:''' Eeww! You peed on yourself?!\\
'''Phoebe, Rachel:''' Eeww!\\
'''Monica:''' You can't say that! You don't ''know!'' I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't...bend that way. So... ''(looks over at Joey)''\\
'''Ross, Phoebe, Rachel:''' ''({{beat}}, then they all turn to Joey)'' ''Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!''
* And then Joey's declaration of friendship: "If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you!"
* [[https://youtu.be/6OHTvBhwHdo Ross and Rachel breaking up again.]]
-->'''Rachel:''' And hey, just so you know: [[TheLoinsSleepTonight it's]] NOT that common, it DOESN'T happen to every guy and it IS a big deal!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''I knew it!''

[[AC:402: TOW the Cat]]
%%* [[https://youtu.be/UDMjchP_7Xc Ross and Rachel's exchanges after they broke up are funny]].
%%Weblinks are not examples.
* After ripping his suits on the entertainment unit once too often, Chandler forces Joey to advertise it for sale. However, as Phoebe wraps up a set at Central Perk (a funny moment on its own), Ross reads the advertisement and suspects a bit of embellishment has taken place:
-->'''Phoebe:''' ... DUMB, DRUNKEN BITCH! ''[angrily strums a few last chords on her guitar; the customers applaud politely, and her anger vanishes]'' Thank you! Thanks! ''[joins the other five around the table]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[to Chandler and Joey]'' Hey, here's a question. Where'd you guys get the "finest oak east of the Mississippi"?\\
'''Chandler:''' Nuh-uh. First, you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land.
* Joey and Chandler being robbed blind because Joey was foolish enough to let himself be locked in the same cabinet in which Chandler trapped him when the unit was originally built in "TOW Frank Jr.". Chandler does not take it well when Joey reveals that getting into the cabinet was his own decision:
-->''[Chandler enters the apartment and throws his keys where he thinks the table is; when he hears them fall to the floor, he knows something is wrong, and looks up to see the apartment empty of everything except the entertainment unit and the ceramic dog. Even the fridge and bathroom have been emptied, and the thief has written "THANKS FOR ALL YOUR STUFF!" on the Magna Doodle]''\\
'''Chandler:''' OH MY GOD!\\
'''Joey:''' What?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[hurries over to the entertainment unit]'' Are you all right?\\
'''Joey:''' Yeah...\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[removes the hockey stick the thief put through the handles and opens the door]'' What happened??\\
'''Joey:''' ''[emerging from the cupboard]'' Aw, man! He promised he wouldn't take the chairs!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''What the hell happened!?'' How were you locked in there? Where the hell's all of our stuff?!\\
'''Joey:''' Well, this guy came by to look at the unit, and- and he said he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man! ''[shrugs]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[dumbfounded]'' So- you got in voluntarily!?\\
'''Joey:''' I was ''trying'' to make a sale! Aw, man, if I ever run into that guy again, you know what I'm gonna do?\\
'''Chandler:''' BEND OVER?!
* Later, when Rachel and Phoebe are listing all the boys' stolen property:
-->'''Rachel:''' Wow, they really got you guys! Your TV, the chairs...\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeah. Your microwave, your stereo...\\
'''Joey''' ''[playing with a deck of cards]'' Aw man, he took the five of spades! ''[gets to the bottom of the deck; perks up]'' Oh, no no, here it is. ''[Chandler lies back in despair]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[entering]'' Oh my God, what happened?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[hops to his feet]'' Oh. Um, Joey was born, and then 28 years later... I WAS ROBBED!\\
''[...]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[entering]'' Hey. So, what'd the insurance company say?\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh. They said, uh, "You don't have insurance here, so stop calling us."

[[AC:403: TOW the Cuffs]]
* Chandler handcuffed in Rachel's boss' office in his underwear. Then getting revenge by leaving her handcuffed in her underwear. One of the funniest parts is when Chandler is handcuffed to one of the drawers of the filing cabinet and he pulls it open with his arm, [[AmusingInjuries causing it to hit him in the head]]. Even funnier: it was unscripted.
-->'''Chandler:''' I'm gonna say this for the last time. Would you please ''just''... ''[pulls drawer open and it hits him in the back of the head]''

[[AC:406: TOW the Dirty Girl]]
* As the episode opens, Ross is at the tail end of a successful date with the very attractive Cheryl (Creator/RebeccaRomijn). The rest of the gang can't believe his luck:
-->'''Cheryl:''' ''[standing outside Central Perk with Ross]'' So, thank you for the delicious dinner.\\
'''Ross:''' You're welcome for a delicious dinner.\\
''[inside, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Monica are all watching Ross and Cheryl]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Hey, what are you guys looking at?\\
'''Chandler:''' Ross and the most beautiful girl in ''the world''.\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[looks at Ross and Cheryl]'' Yeah, come to papa!\\
''[Cheryl leaves and Ross enters the coffee shop to be greeted by five very amazed looks]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[proudly]'' I know!\\
'''Monica:''' Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ''ass'' on her?\\
'''Chandler:''' Where did you- when did you- how did you- ''[gets a DopeSlap from Joey]'' How did you get a girl like that?\\
'''Rachel:''' Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics instructor, what?\\
'''Ross:''' Actually, she's a palaeontology doctoral candidate, specialising in the Cenozoic era.\\
'''Chandler:''' Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era.\\
'''Ross:''' I've seen her at work, but I always figured, ''[as if to say "out of my league"]'' ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow.\\
'''Rachel:''' Well, maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.\\
'''Ross:''' [[InsultBackfire Fine by me, hope she wins.]]\\
'''Joey:''' ''[to Chandler]'' Hey, we should have a contest. Yeah. See who can bring home the most beautiful woman.\\
'''Chandler:''' That's a good idea, Joe. We could call it '''life.''' ''[Joey looks bewildered]''
* Monica, still between jobs and short on funds, falls headfirst into a hilarious non-sexual DoubleEntendre:
-->'''Monica:''' ''[talking on the phone while exiting her bedroom]'' Yeah, once again, I am sorry. Thank you. Bye. ''[hangs up; to Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler]'' I just had to turn down a job catering a funeral for sixty people.\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[horrified]'' Oh my God! What happened?\\
'''Monica:''' Sixty ''guests''.
* This episode continues the story arc of Chandler being in love with Kathy, Joey's girlfriend; her birthday is coming up, so Chandler gets her an early edition of her favourite book from childhood, ''Literature/TheVelveteenRabbit'' (for which he had to contact a couple of author Margery Williams' grandchildren). Realising it will make his crush on her embarrassingly obvious, he tries to goad Joey into buying an even better gift (Rachel pre-emptively shoots down his first idea: a coupon for an hour of "Joey love"). Unfortunately, Joey being Joey, the gift he buys is... less than impressive:
-->'''Joey:''' ''[entering Monica and Rachel's apartment with a shopping bag, which he drops on the kitchen table]'' Man! It is ''so'' hard to shop for girls! ''[sighs, exhausted]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[looks at the bag]'' Yes it is, at '''Office Max!'''\\
'''Rachel:''' What did you get her? ''[she is clearly dreading the answer; her dread is justified as Joey pulls a rectangular box out of the bag and opens it to reveal...]''\\
'''Chandler:''' A ''pen''.\\
'''Joey:''' It's two gifts in one. It's a pen... that's also a clock! ''[demonstrates; Rachel takes it and studies it]'' Uh?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[chuckles in disbelief]'' Huh-huh, you can't give her that.\\
'''Joey:''' Why not?\\
'''Chandler:''' Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah! ''[stomps off]''\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[off Joey's confused look]'' Okay, honey, what he means by that, is... ''[thinks]'' While this is a very nice gift, maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives?\\
'''Joey:''' Sure it is! She needs a pen for work, she's writing, she turns it over, ''[looks at the clock]'' "Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!" ''[Rachel looks unconvinced]''\\
'''Chandler:''' All right, look, look. What did... ''[thinks]'' What did you get for Angela Delvecchio for her birthday?\\
'''Joey:''' She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.\\
'''Chandler:''' For three years!?
* Eventually, Chandler gives Joey the book to give Kathy as a birthday gift, while Joey gives Chandler the pen-clock to give her as his gift. But Kathy knows who really bought which gift:
-->'''Kathy:''' Um, thank you for the gift.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[sheepishly]'' Oh, uh... yeah, I just, I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't always know the exact time.\\
'''Kathy:''' ''[laughs]'' No, I... I didn't mean the pen. Thank you for the book.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[feigning ignorance]'' Uh, the book?\\
'''Kathy:''' ''The Velveteen Rabbit''. Kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it.\\
'''Chandler:''' What do you mean?\\
'''Kathy:''' Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya like rabbits, and I know ya like cheese."
* As for Ross and Cheryl, they break up when he discovers her apartment is a complete pigsty, with garbage covering every surface and a rodent problem. In TheTag, Monica shows up and asks to be allowed to clean for her:
-->''[Cheryl's apartment; there is a knock at her door, which she opens to reveal Monica]''\\
'''Monica:''' Hi. Uh, you... you don't know me, I'm Monica Geller, Ross' sister.\\
'''Cheryl:''' Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, that's too bad that didn't work out.\\
'''Monica:''' Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, well, I-I couldn't sleep, thinking about it. So, uh... ''[picks up a bucket of cleaning supplies]'' would it be okay if I cleaned it? ''[Cheryl shrugs in confusion and closes the door]'' No? I won't be able to sleep! ''[but Cheryl doesn't come back; Monica looks up and down the hallway, then pulls out a sponge and starts scrubbing the door frame]''

[[AC:407: TOW Chandler Crosses The Line]]
* Ross debuts "the Sound" he spent most of his high school and college years refining... which involves programming a keyboard to play a cacophonous mishmash of sound effects, including animal noises, breaking glass, sirens, and laser noises, over a standard 12-bar blues riff. (He has at least one other disk of sound effects that includes helicopter noises.) Rachel, Monica, and Chandler are aghast; Phoebe is enraptured and gets Ross a spot performing at Central Perk.
* Joey's response to Chandler admitting he was "totally over the line" in becoming the other man in Joey's relationship with Kathy.
-->'''Joey:''' Over the line? You... you... you're so far past the line that you can't even see the line! The line is a ''dot'' to you!

[[AC:408: TOW Chandler in a Box]]
* While Chandler spends Thanksgiving shut up in a giant box as punishment from Joey for seeing Kathy behind his back, it's revealed that Monica is dating the son of her old fling, Richard. She responds to the gang's mockery with a ContinuityCavalcade:
-->'''Ross:''' ...if things ever work out with you and Richard's son, you can tell your kids that ''you slept with their grandfather!''\\
''[{{Beat}}]''\\
'''Monica:''' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RU5k3OcRDSo Fine, judge all you want to but...]] ''[points to Ross]'' Married a lesbian! ''[at Rachel]'' Left a man at the altar! ''[at Phoebe]'' Fell in love with a gay ice dancer! ''[at Joey]'' Threw a girl's wooden leg into a fire! ''[at Chandler]'' Lives in a BOX!

[[AC:410: TOW the Girl from Poughkeepsie]]
* Rachel is talking about how she wants a relationship, even a short one. Gunther silently walks up, ready to pounce. Rachel (never noticing him) specifies that she wants a ''man''. Gunther's face falls and he slinks away.
* Chandler sets Rachel up with one of his coworkers but makes the mistake of telling him that Rachel just wants a fling (which she has told him is the case). This causes Rachel to chew him out when she learns of it, because by then she's started to like the guy enough that she might want more than that. Chandler's attempts to fix the situation are neither successful nor well-received:
-->'''Rachel:''' [[CommitmentIssues Patrick just ended things with me.]] Did you or did you not tell him I was looking for a serious relationship?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[proudly]'' I did! I absolutely did!\\
'''Rachel:''' You ''idiot!''\\
'''Chandler:''' [[SelfDeprecation I'm sure you're right,]] but why?!

[[AC:411: TOW Phoebe's Uterus]]
* Monica's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bsl19-J_H4s sex lesson]]. Not to mention the BrickJoke at the end when Kathy runs into the kitchen, hair in disarray and shirt buttoned in the wrong holes, and starts dramatically thanking Monica.
* Ross and Joey ending the segregation in the museum but everyone starts saying TooMuchInformation about themselves.
-->'''Tour Guide:''' I'm Ted, I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.\\
'''Scientist:''' I'm Andrew, and I didn't pay for this pear!\\
'''Tour Guide:''' I'm Rhonda, and these ''[indicates her breasts]'' [[FakeBoobs aren't real]]!\\
'''Scientist:''' I'm Scott. [...] I have to flip the light switch on and off 17 times or my family will die!

[[AC:412: TOW the Embryos]]
* The entire [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oENQjvY96dM "Who Knows More About Whom?" game]] pitting Chandler and Joey against Monica and Rachel, with Ross as questionmaster and $100 on the line.
** The main game involves each team answering ten questions from four categories: Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It's All Relative. The game gets off to an inauspicious start with the coin toss:
--->'''Ross:''' ''[clears the coffee table]'' Now. The coin toss, to see who goes first. ''[he tosses the coin up in the air... and all four players simply watch it land, none of them saying a word. Ross looks put upon as he picks up the coin]'' Okay... somebody call it this time!
** The first round reveals that Monica detests animals dressed as people while Chandler is terrified of the way ''Theatre/{{Riverdance}}'' and ''Film/{{Lord of the Dance|1997}}'' star Michael Flatley's legs flail about as though independent of his body. In the second round, the guys choose It's All Relative:
--->'''Ross:''' ''[reading question]'' Monica and I had a grandmother who died. You both went to her funeral.[[note]] A CallBack to "TOW Nana Dies Twice" from the first season.[[/note]] Name that grandmother!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[to Chandler]'' Nana?\\
'''Chandler:''' She has a real name!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[thinks, then points excitedly at Ross]'' Althea!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''Althea!?'' What are you doing?!\\
'''Joey:''' I took a shot!\\
'''Chandler:''' You're shooting with Althea!?\\
'''Ross:''' Althea is correct!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[in the same outraged tone of voice]'' Nice shooting!\\
''[Ross updates the score, then points at Monica and Rachel]''\\
'''Rachel:''' [[NoIndoorVoice WE'LL TAKE LITERATURE!]]\\
'''Ross:''' ''[reading question]'' Every week, the ''TV Guide'' comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label?\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[stands up, excited]'' Oh! Chandler gets it! It's "Chandler Bing"!\\
'''Monica:''' ''[stands up, angry]'' NO!\\
'''Ross:''' I'm afraid the ''TV Guide'' comes to "Chnandler Bong". ''[Joey and Chandler grin]''\\
'''Monica:''' I ''knew'' that! Rachel! Use your head! ''[she and Rachel sit down again]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[triumphantly]'' Actually, it's "''Miss'' Chnandler Bong".
** Surprisingly, by the tenth question, it's Rachel rather than Monica who is a bundle of energy:
--->'''Ross:''' ''[updates the scoreboard]'' All right. The score is 9 to 8 in favour of the guys. Ladies, if you miss this, the game is theirs. Pick your category.\\
'''Rachel: ITSALLRELATIVE!''' ''[even Monica is shocked]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[grimaces]'' You don't have to shout ''everything''.\\
'''Rachel:''' I'M SORRY!
** As Monica correctly (and "unfortunately", according to Chandler) identifies the name of Chandler's dad's all-male Vegas burlesque as "Viva Las Gay-gas", the score finishes 9-9. Luckily, Ross reveals that he prepared a tiebreaker: "The ''lightning round!''"
--->'''Monica:''' You guys are '''dead!''' I am ''so good'' at lightning rounds!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[standing up and making a "No way!" gesture with his finger]'' I ''majored'' in lightning rounds. All right? We're gonna ''destroy'' you!\\
'''Monica:''' Wanna bet?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[deadpan]'' Huh, I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far.\\
'''Monica:''' How about we play for more money? Say... a hundred and fifty?\\
'''Ross:''' One hundred and ''fifty'' dollars!\\
'''Chandler:''' Say... two hundred?\\
'''Ross:''' Two ''hundred'' dollars!\\
'''Monica:''' ''[glares at him]'' You're doing it again.\\
'''Ross:''' Excuse me.\\
'''Rachel:''' Monica, I don't wanna lose $200.\\
'''Monica:''' We won't!\\
'''Rachel:''' Okay.\\
'''Monica:''' ''[to Chandler]'' '''Three''' hundred?\\
'''Rachel:''' ''Monica!''\\
'''Monica:''' I'm just trying to spice it up!\\
'''Rachel:''' Okay, so then play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!
** But eventually, higher stakes are agreed: if Monica and Rachel win, Chandler and Joey have to get rid of the chicken and the duck. If Chandler and Joey win, they swap apartments with Monica and Rachel. Rachel has doubts; Monica, not so much:
--->'''Monica:''' Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game, I ''own'' this game! Look at my hand! ''[holds it up]''\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[studies it]'' Why, do you have the answers written on there?
** Chandler and Joey go first:
--->'''Ross:''' The lightning round begins ''[to Chandler, who is jumping up and down in anticipation]'' stop it... NOW. ''[starts timer]'' What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?\\
'''Joey:''' Big fat goalie! ''[points to Monica]''\\
'''Ross:''' Correct! ''[Monica looks sad; Rachel puts her arm around her]'' Rachel claims ''this'' is her favourite movie.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''Literature/DangerousLiaisons''.\\
'''Ross:''' Correct. Her ''actual'' favourite movie is...\\
'''Joey:''' ''Film/WeekendAtBernies''. ''[grins and points at Rachel, who looks embarrassed]''\\
'''Ross:''' Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14? ''[Chandler gets an excited look and whispers in Ross' ear; Ross grimaces in disgust]'' EW, NO! ''[Monica glares at Chandler]'' Her EAR! ''[Chandler and Joey shrug]'' All right, Monica categorises her towels. How many categories are there?\\
'''Joey:''' Everyday use...\\
'''Chandler:''' Fancy...\\
'''Joey:''' Guest...\\
'''Chandler:''' [[BreadEggsBreadedEggs Fancy guest...]]\\
'''Ross:''' Two seconds.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[panics]'' Uh, eleven!?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[stops timer]'' Eleven. Unbelievable. Eleven is correct!\\
'''Joey, Chandler:''' YES!
** And, after exchanging the series' signature PG-rated version of FlippingTheBird with each other, the two teams swap places, with Monica and Rachel needing four correct answers to tie, five correct answers to win. They get off to a promising start, but come unstuck on what seems like a simple question...
--->'''Ross:''' The lightning round begins... ''[starts timer]'' NOW. What is Joey's favourite food?\\
'''Monica:''' Sandwiches!\\
'''Ross:''' Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?\\
'''Rachel:''' 14?\\
'''Ross:''' No, 19.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Thanks man! ''[Joey looks at him as if to say "19!? Really?!"]''\\
'''Ross:''' Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was...\\
'''Monica:''' [[Music/SteveMillerBand Maurice!]]\\
'''Ross:''' Correct. His profession was...\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh - [[Music/SteveMillerBand space cowboy!]]\\
'''Ross:''' Correct! ''[Joey grins proudly and nods until he notices Chandler glaring at him and shaking his head]'' What is Chandler Bing's job?\\
''[Monica and Rachel are both utterly silent, Joey gets excited while Chandler gets a "You seriously don't know this!?" look]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh... oh, gosh! It has something to do with numbers...[[note]] The second time in eleven episodes Rachel has come up with this exact sentence when it emerges that no-one knows what Chandler does for a living.[[/note]]\\
'''Monica:''' And processing!\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[stammers]'' He carries a briefcase!\\
'''Ross:''' Ten seconds, you need this or you lose the game. ''[Rachel starts to panic]''\\
'''Monica:''' It's, uh... it has something to do with transponding...\\
'''Rachel:''' OH! OH! OH! HE'S A TRANSPONST-- TRANSPONSTER! ''[Chandler, Joey, and Monica look at her in disbelief]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!'' No, I can get this, I can get this...\\
''[Ross stops the timer and looks at them as if to say "Sorry, you lose!"]''\\
'''Rachel:''' [[OhCrap Oh my]] ''[[OhCrap God....!]]''\\
'''Monica:''' '''''[[BigNo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!]]'''''\\
'''Chandler and Joey:''' '''''[[BigYes YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!]]'''''[[note]] This becomes a BrickJoke when, in one of the later seasons, Monica finally remembers what Chandler's job is. Of course, this happens after he has left the job.[[/note]]
* At the end of the episode, we are treated to Chandler and Joey gliding in to their new apartment triumphantly on the big white dog, followed by a five-way argument breaking out (until Phoebe reveals that she is pregnant with Frank Jr. and Alice's baby):
-->'''Rachel:''' Y'know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!\\
'''Joey:''' Hey, don't get mad at us! No-one forced you to raise the stakes!\\
'''Rachel:''' That is not true! ''[indicating Monica]'' She did! She forced me!\\
'''Monica:''' Hey, we would still be living here if you hadn't gotten the question wrong!\\
'''Rachel:''' Well it was a stupid, unfair question!\\
'''Ross:''' Don't blame the questions!\\
'''Chandler:''' Would you all stop yelling in our apartment!? You are ruining moving day for us!

[[AC:413: TOW Rachel's Crush]]
* After the apartment switch, the gang are still gravitating toward spending time in what is now Chandler and Joey's apartment, which plays havoc with Monica's insecurities. In a bid to retain her role as the group's party hostess, she bakes cookies and wafts the smell across the hall; Phoebe and Joey are the first to notice. However, in the outtakes, Matt [=LeBlanc=] couldn't resist having fun with the scene...
-->'''Phoebe:''' What do I smell?\\
'''Joey:''' ''[raises his hand sheepishly]'' Sorry. ''[the cast break character and start cracking up]''\\
''[reset for another take]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' What do I smell?\\
''[{{Beat}}]''\\
'''David Schwimmer:''' ''[breaking character]'' [=LeBlanc=]. ''[more laughter]''
* Monica being spun around by a floor polisher.

[[AC:414: TOW Joey's Dirty Day]]
* The episode opens as Joey prepares to leave for a three-day fishing trip with his dad, during which he can brag about being cast in a film with Creator/CharltonHeston. However, Chandler is taking the demise of his relationship with Kathy very hard, leading the others to be concerned about Joey leaving him alone. Joey assures them that his absence won't make a difference, as Chandler always follows the same pattern after a breakup:
-->'''Monica:''' Hey, Joey? I don't think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean, it's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week.\\
'''Joey:''' Look, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in his sweat pants. ''[looks at Ross, who nods]'' That's only Phase One. Y'know? I'll be back for Phase Two, I would ''never'' miss Phase Two.\\
'''Monica:''' What's Phase Two?\\
'''Joey:''' Gettin' drunk and goin' to a strip club! ''[Ross nods again; Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe a perturbed look]''\\
'''Rachel:''' How does going to a strip club make him better?!\\
'''Ross:''' ''[in a "Duh!" tone of voice]'' There are naked ladies there.\\
'''Joey:''' Oh, and it helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.\\
'''Ross:''' There are naked ladies ''there'' too.
* With Joey gone, Ross tries to nudge Chandler toward Phase Two, only to tumble headfirst into ThatCameOutWrong:
-->'''Chandler:''' ''[sitting in one of the recliners, trying to flick playing cards into a bowl on the other recliner as Monica, Phoebe, and Ross surround him]'' You know, I can't believe Kathy did this to me. I really thought that she was the one. Well, I'll tell you what! From now on, I'm not getting out of this chair, ''ever!'' Okay, from now on, ''this chair'' is the one! ''[prepares to throw another card]'' You know what else is the one? My sweat pants! ''[goes back to throwing cards]''\\
'''Ross:''' Come on, man, just, just take the sweat pants off, okay, just take 'em off and we'll have some fun. ''[Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe give him disturbed looks; Ross looks embarrassed at his verbal gaffe]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Wow, and I can never resist that line. That's why I never wear sweat pants.
* But Joey returns from his fishing weekend... after three days without a shower and a fall into the tub of worms at the bait stand. Ross, Monica, and Phoebe instantly recoil from his terrible BO; as for Chandler, when Ross tells Joey that he hasn't moved from his recliner in two days, Joey decides to check in with him. Chandler doesn't say a word, but his [[FacialDialogue disgusted expression]] as he jumps out of the chair to get away from the smell says it all.
-->'''Joey:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Hey, y'see that, he just needed his pal to come home.]]
* Joshua invites Rachel to the opening of a nightclub in which he has invested and puts her on the VIP list; however, this invitation comes immediately after Mr. Waltham has persuaded Rachel to take his niece Emily (introduced in this episode) to a performance of ''Theatre/DieFledermaus''. With Monica working, Phoebe suffering morning sickness (in the evening), Chandler still in Phase One, and Joey being described by Monica as "that thing you smell," Rachel is running out of options for someone to send to the opera in her place - until...
-->'''Rachel:''' ''[sees Ross sitting in an armchair eating a cracker; she smiles]'' Hi!\\
'''Ross:''' ''[knowing full well where this is going]'' Hi.\\
'''Rachel:''' So...?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[pretends to think about it for a moment]'' No...\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[groans]'' Oh, come ''on!''...\\
''[there is a knock at the door]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[heads for the door]'' I think she's here.\\
'''Rachel:''' No - wait, wait, wait - Ross, ''please.''\\
'''Ross:''' You want me to take some girl I've never met to the ''opera'' so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy. ''[sarcastically]'' Hm. Yeah, that... that ''is'' a toughie...
* But Ross eventually agrees, although Rachel's attempt to communicate the change of plans to Emily hits a bit of a snag:
-->'''Rachel:''' ''[as Monica opens the door to reveal a soaked Emily carrying an umbrella]'' Emily!\\
'''Emily:''' Yes.\\
'''Rachel:''' I'm Rachel Green.\\
'''Emily:''' ''[enters the apartment, sighing with relief]'' Thank goodness! ''[shakes some of the rain out of her hair]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Yeah. There has been a teeny, teeny change of plans. Turns out... I'm not free tonight-\\
'''Emily:''' ''[venomously deadpan]'' Really. ''[laughs in disbelief]'' Well, that's just lovely, isn't it. I must have missed your call, even though I didn't leave the flat all day.\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh, well, no, I ju-\\
'''Emily:''' ''[shifting to just plain venomous]'' No no no no! That's not rude. It's perfectly in keeping with a trip where I've already been run down by one of your wiener carts, ''and'' been strip searched at John F. Kennedy Airport. Apparently, to you people, I look like someone who's got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum!\\
'''Monica:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint I, I, I think you look great.]]\\
'''Emily:''' Good ''night.'' It was ''very'' nice to meet you all. ''[storms off; Ross gets a "What am I getting myself into!?" look]''\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[points in the direction in which Emily departed]'' I'll get her.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[deadpan]'' Please hurry.\\
'''Rachel:''' Okay. ''[does so]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Don't you just ''love'' the way they talk?
* Joey continues to marinate in his foul odours when he spends the rest of the evening learning his lines for his film, then oversleeps and has to run ten blocks to the studio, now into his ''fourth'' day without a shower. The funniest moment comes when he runs into Rachel on his way out:
-->'''Rachel:''' ''[as Joey almost bowls her over...]'' Hey! Whoa! Slow down! ''[... then the smell ''does'' bowl her over]'' No. Keep moving. ''[Joey runs off as Rachel fans the air]'' Whoa!
* Unfortunately for Rachel, as she relates to Monica and Phoebe, her date with Joshua came to nothing; her name was misspelled as "Rachel Greep" on the guest list, and someone else claiming to be "Rachel Greep" was allowed in instead - although she did punch a woman who tried to steal her umbrella. Phoebe's attempt to console her features a classic {{Cloudcuckoolander}} moment:
-->'''Rachel:''' ''[sitting in one of Chandler and Joey's recliners]'' Ugh! I can't ''believe'' this! All I wanted was just a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so that he could go ahead and start falling in love with me. ''[sighs]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[walks over and starts rubbing the top of Rachel's head]'' Aw, Pheebs...\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[looks confused]'' Honey, that's ''your'' name.\\
'''Phoebe:''' That's short for "Phoebe"? I thought that's just what we called each other!
* Chandler enters, seemingly on the cusp of Phase Two, but Joey is already gone. Then the phone rings, and as Monica answers it, Rachel gets a nasty shock about how Ross' evening with Emily went...
-->'''Monica:''' ''[listens, then turns to Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler]'' He's with Emily at a bed and breakfast in Vermont!\\
'''Phoebe:''' What? Oh my God!\\
'''Rachel:''' What? Who the hell is Emily- ''[remembers and gasps]'' '''Noooo...'''\\
''[cut to commercial; cut back from commercial]''\\
'''Rachel:''' They're in Vermont!? How could this happen?! ''[flails her arms, swatting Chandler in the process]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[glares at Rachel]'' Ow.\\
'''Rachel:''' How did he end up in Vermont with that awful WITCH!? ''[flails her arms again, hitting Chandler again]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Maybe she doesn't ''hit him'' all the time!\\
''[cut to Ross and Emily's room at the B&B in Vermont]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[on the phone]'' When we first met her, she was ''soaking'', her feet were wet! Who ''wouldn't'' be miserable? I'm telling you, once I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person!\\
'''Emily:''' ''[racing into the room]'' Ross! Come quickly! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!\\
'''Ross:''' ''[to the phone]'' I gotta go! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! ''[throws the phone onto the bed and rushes out with Emily; cut back to Monica and Rachel's (currently Chandler and Joey's) apartment]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[hangs up the phone; deadpan]'' [[RuleOfThree He had to go, there was a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.]]\\
'''Rachel:''' I don't get this, she was HORRIBLE! ''[flails her arms and hits Chandler yet again]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Okay, I'm gonna go stand over there. ''[points, then walks in the direction in which he was pointing]''
* With Joey and Ross unavailable, Chandler despairs of ever moving to Phase Two, so to keep him from backsliding to Phase One and help him get to Phase Three, the girls take him instead. It's a miserable experience for Chandler.
-->'''Chandler:''' Y'know what? I think I'm just gonna go home and call Kathy.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Well, if you think it will help.\\
'''Chandler:''' No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I'm gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy, and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I'm gonna get so drunk, I'm gonna wanna call Janice.\\
'''Phoebe:''' You should! How is she?\\
''[Chandler groans in frustration]''[[note]] For extra laughs, Chandler and Janice hook up again in ''the very next episode''.[[/note]]
* By the end of the day, Monica has succeeded in convincing a stripper Chandler rates as one of the club's hottest to quit her job and become a teacher, and Chandler is in a bigger funk than ever. Just as he's about to regress to Phase One, the girls talk about which strippers they'd date if they were gay. [[GirlOnGirlIsHot Chandler's interest is piqued]] and escalates the more they talk, until he finally reaches Phase Three... followed by the hitherto undiscovered Phase Four.
-->'''Chandler:''' I am totally picturing you with all those women!\\
'''Monica:''' That's-that's not Phase Three.\\
'''Chandler:''' Well, I'm there, too!\\
'''Rachel:''' Well, are we all together? Like in a group?\\
'''Chandler:''' Stop it! You're killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh! What is that? What is that?\\
'''Chandler:''' Where I don't want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends![[note]] Becomes funnier with "TOW Ross's Wedding", where he changes his mind about the first part of this declaration, but ''not'' the last part.[[/note]]

[[AC:415: TOW All the Rugby]]
* Monica is being driven up the wall by a light switch in Chandler and Joey's apartment (which is still her and Rachel's apartment at this point) that doesn't seem to do anything. At one point, she turns off the switch, identifies four dead outlets, and plugs noise-making appliances into each one. When she flips the switch, Joey can't resist {{Troll}}ing her:
-->'''Monica:''' This switch thing has been driving me crazy! So, I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don’t work, which means one of ''them'' has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that, that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on, I just follow the noise... and find out which one it is! ''[smiles proudly]''\\
'''Joey:''' ''[to Rachel]'' I bet I stopped listening before you did.\\
'''Rachel:''' Y'know, you, you also could've used, uh, lamps and then followed the light.\\
'''Monica:''' ''[in a "Where were you and that idea fifteen minutes ago!?" tone of voice]'' Yeah, well, I'm using noise. ''[Rachel shrugs]'' Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go! ''[she flips the switch, and something starts humming]'' I hear something... I hear something, where is it? ''[starts running around the apartment trying to find the noise; Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey look around as well... until Rachel realises ''Joey'' is the one humming. He feigns innocence]''\\
'''Rachel:''' It's coming from Joey! ''[Monica gives Joey a DisapprovingLook as he continues humming]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Oh my God, that's so freaky, turn him off!]]
* Later in the episode, Rachel enters the apartment to find Monica reading on the sofa and a peculiar number of pictures drawn on loose leaf paper and coloured with felt tip pens surrounding the door. Monica claims she thought they'd brighten up the place; an immediately suspicious Rachel starts tearing down the pictures to reveal giant holes in the plaster. For extra laughs, look at the title of the book Monica is reading when Rachel returns: ''Like a Hole in the Head'' by Jen Banbury.
-->'''Rachel:''' ''[pulling down a picture to reveal another hole]'' Oh my God! Look at this!\\
'''Monica:''' Okay, but there '''is''' a wire back there! I mean, that switch is connected to something!\\
'''Rachel:''' I don't care! The wires have come loose in your head!\\
'''Monica:''' I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did.\\
'''Rachel:''' And did you?!\\
'''Monica:''' No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs. ''[Rachel notices an unfolded newspaper on the floor; she picks it up and gasps at the revelation of yet another hole]'' But it didn't. Say hello to Mrs. Katrakis.\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh my God...\\
'''Mrs. Katrakis:''' ''[from downstairs]'' Hello darling!\\
'''Rachel:''' Hello, Mrs. Katrakis!\\
'''Monica:''' Hey, Mrs. Katrakis, do you know Kenny? ''[points to the ceiling]''\\
'''Rachel:''' You have got to be kid- ''[looks up]'' WOW! ''[jumps back and screams]''
* Chandler crosses paths with Janice again and can't stand all of her annoying habits anymore. Rather than just say he doesn't want to get back together, he lies about his company transferring him to Yemen soon. It gets harder and harder to maintain this story, as Janice helps him pack and goes with him to the airport, insisting on staying until the plane pulls away from the gate.[[note]] The episode being set before 9/11 made such gateside goodbyes impossible at US airports.[[/note]] Ultimately, admitting the truth just isn't an option.
-->'''Chandler:''' ''[boarding a plane to the Middle East]'' I'm going to Yemen! ''[to a fellow passenger]'' When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?
* As for the subplot that gives the episode its name, Ross and Emily run into two of Emily's friends from England, both of them burly rugby players, so Ross talks his way into playing a game with them. Rachel, inevitably, is unsupportive of the idea; Joey is dubious but ultimately sides with Ross - at someone else's expense:
-->'''Joey:''' All right, come on, look, Ross can take care of himself! It's not like he's... Chandler!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[from his bedroom, sarcastically]'' Thanks!

[[AC:417: TOW the Free Porn]]
* This episode sees Phoebe discovering that she is going to have triplets - which poses a financial conundrum considering that Alice is a home economics teacher in the public school system and Frank Jr. has just started studying to become a refrigerator repairman. So Phoebe presents a money-making idea to Monica, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey by producing a large case containing serrated knives and an empty [[ProductPlacement Fresca]] can:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Now, don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? ''[effortlessly slices the can in two with one motion of the knife and shows off the two pieces]'' Haaa! ''[puts the pieces down and picks up the knife]'' Now. I know what you're thinking!\\
'''Chandler:''' "Pregnant Woman Slays Four"?
* Joey and Chandler find that they've somehow gotten access to a porn channel they're not paying for. The super says this happened to him once, but he turned off the TV only to find he couldn't get it again. So the entire episode, they keep the porn playing in their apartment. Which finally leads to this exchange during the credits:
-->'''Chandler:''' ''[walks in]'' Hey.\\
'''Joey:''' Hey.\\
'''Chandler:''' I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault.\\
'''Joey:''' Same kind of thing happened to me. Woman pizza delivery guy comes over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves.\\
'''Chandler:''' What? No, like, "Nice apartment, bet the bedrooms are huge"?\\
'''Joey:''' No, nothing.

[[AC:418: TOW Rachel's New Dress]]
* Phoebe is given the honor of naming one of the triplets she's carrying, and Joey and Chandler each try to convince her to name it after them. Joey runs down Chandler's name, saying it's not even a real name. Chandler realizes Joey is right, and decides to choose another name. Eventually, Phoebe brings him around, saying she's going to name the baby Chandler, but he has to keep the name. She leaves, and Chandler starts cackling evilly while pointing at Joey, whose reaction is priceless.

[[AC:419: TOW All the Haste]]
* The BookEnds. At the beginning, there is a singing man in the apartment across the street from Rachel's bedroom who sings in the morning to start the day, which greatly annoys her. At the end of the episode, after Joey and Chandler return to the apartment, Joey is woken up by the same guy, but sings along with him.

[[AC:420: TOW the Wedding Dresses]]
* Joey has developed a particularly loud snoring problem, and Chandler tries to persuade him to seek treatment at a sleep clinic. Monica recalls that she once dated a light sleeper who would roll her over if she snored in the night. So Chandler tries this the next time Joey starts snoring... only to discover [[SleepsInTheNude something else about Joey's sleep habits]]:
-->'''Chandler:''' ''[entering a snoring Joey's bedroom]'' All right, buddy. Time to roll over. ''[he grabs Joey's shoulder and forearm and rolls him onto his back... and jumps back in horror]'' NO NO! NO NO N-N-N-N-NO! ''[covers his eyes and turns away from Joey; after taking a moment to re-centre himself, he points at Joey, hands still over his eyes]'' You are going to a clinic! You're going to a clinic... and a pyjama store!
* At the clinic, Joey is the worse for wear after having to stay up all night in preparation for the study. Then an attractive female patient sits down near him and Chandler:
-->'''Chandler:''' ''[waking Joey, who has dozed off]'' Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[half-asleep]'' Yeah, she is. Wow... ''[goes back to fully asleep]'' How ''you'' doin'?... You're lookin' good!... ''[the other people in the waiting room give him perturbed looks; Chandler slaps his shoulder to wake him up again]'' WHAT!?\\
'''Chandler:''' You're coming on to the entire room!
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5MN7Q3sD8o Every scene involving wedding gowns]]. Culminating in Rachel, Monica and Phoebe sitting in a couch, drinking beer in bridal wear.
-->'''Phoebe:''' At least you didn't get yours from a store called "It's Not Too Late".

[[AC:422: TOW the Worst Best Man Ever]]
* An argument about who gets to be Ross's best man turns into an argument about who gets to be Chandler's best man:
-->'''Chandler:''' I'm not even getting married! This is a question for science fiction writers!
* One of Phoebe's babies is kicking:
-->'''Monica:''' Isn't that a good thing?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Not me; it's kicking one of the other babies! ''[yells down her shirt front]'' Don't make me come in there!
* Chandler doesn't know Gunther's last name and guesses that it's "Centralperk". Later when they suspect a stripper of stealing the wedding ring and [[ItMakesSenseInContext need a fake name to give her to question her]], he says his name is "Gunther Centralperk".
* Chandler tells Ross to be cool about the theft of the ring, and naturally Ross loudly demands to know where his grandmother's wedding ring is. Joey appears to be doubled over behind Ross's back. This is because [[{{Corpsing}} Matt LeBlanc is laughing at David Schwimmer's frenzied delivery of the lines]].
* The three guys finding out who is the actual thief of the ring - the ''duck.'' Ross and Chandler performing a DoubleTake as the realisation strikes them is funny enough, but it's [[TheDitz Joey's]] overdramatic late reaction that makes the scene downright hilarious.

[[AC:423-24: TOW Ross's Wedding]]
* The heavily-pregnant Phoebe, trying desperately to stop Rachel from going to London, realizes that she can't actually physically ''do'' anything as Rachel runs out the door:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Like I can really chase you; I'm carrying a litter!
* Perhaps the funniest BedmateReveal in the entire series:
-->'''Ross:''' ''[bursting into Chandler's hotel room, deliriously excited]'' I'M GETTING MARRIED TODAY! WOOO!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[deadpan]'' Morning, Ross.\\
'''Ross:''' I'M GETTING MARRIED ''TO-DAY!''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''Yeah, y'are!''\\
'''Ross:''' AH-WOOHOO! ''[leaves and closes the door after him]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[[[WhamShot appearing from under the covers next to Chandler]]]'' D'you think he knew I was here?
* Creator/HughLaurie's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXNd99IhdmA guest appearance]]. After being an unwilling audience to Rachel's explanation of why she is flying to London, he delivers a TheReasonYouSuckSpeech to which Rachel doesn't have much of a counterargument, then rubs salt in the wound...
-->'''Rachel:''' ''[talking to the passenger across the aisle, who has a copy of Jen Banbury's ''Like a Hole in the Head'' and looks as though he is mentally comparing listening to Rachel's story to just that]''[[note]] ''Like a Hole in the Head'' was previously seen in "TOW All the Rugby".[[/note]] So then I realise, all the stuff that I have been doing - proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn't come to the wedding - was all just a way of-\\
'''Man by the window:''' ''[snaps and removes his headphones]'' Oh, oh, oh, OH! I'm sorry, can I interrupt? Yeah, I just want to say that ''you''... are a horrible, ''horrible'' person!\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[taken aback]'' P- pardon me?\\
'''Man by the window:''' You say you love this man, and yet you're about to ruin the happiest day of his life! I'm afraid I have to agree with your friend "Pheebs". This is a, this is a terrible, ''terrible'' plan.\\
'''Rachel:''' But he has to know how I feel!\\
'''Man by the window:''' But ''why?'' He loves this, this Emily person! No good can come of this.\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[scoffs]'' Well, I-I think you're wrong!\\
'''Man by the window:''' Oh no! ''[[[SarcasmMode bites hand]]]''\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[scoffs again]'' Well, he doesn't really love her, I mean, it's just a rebound thing from me! ''[points at him]'' You'll see!\\
'''Man by the window:''' Fortunately, I won't. ''[goes to replace his headphones, then removes them again]'' And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that [[TakeThat you]] ''[[TakeThat were]]'' [[TakeThat on a break!]] ''[replaces his headphones]''\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[gasps in shock]''
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Season 5]]
[[AC:501: TO After Ross Says Rachel]]
* Once the ceremony is (awkwardly) concluded and Ross and Emily walk back down the aisle:
-->'''Joey:''' [[BlatantLies Well, that went well. Yeah.]]\\
'''Chandler:''' ''(shrugs)'' It could’ve been worse, he could've ''shot'' her.
* Phoebe, who heard the whole altar debacle over the phone, calls Emily's stepmother in a half-baked attempt at damage control:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Hello, this is Ross Geller's personal physician, Doctor...[[RunningGag Phalange]]. I've discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine. And without it in the brain of Ross, women's names are interchangeable through no fault of his own.\\
'''Mrs. Waltham:''' Oh my God, Phoebe.\\
'''Phoebe:''' ... No, not Phoebe, Doctor ''Phalange''. Oh no, you have it too!
* Chandler and Monica are about to have sex in the plane bathroom. Monica's already there and Chandler's about to follow when Joey shows up and talks his ear off about how he thinks the giant from ''Film/MyGiant'' is more talented and taller than him.

[[AC:502: TOW All the Kissing]]
* In TheTeaser, Monica ducking under the water to stop Joey from discovering her having a bath with Chandler.
-->'''Chandler:''' ''[off Joey's reaction to the sight of him seemingly alone in a candlelit bubble bath with a glass of wine]'' I've had a long, hard day.
* When Joey leaves and Monica pops back up, Chandler apologizes and tells her that Joey offered chicken...which Monica kinda wants, so Chandler calls him back as Monica hides again and places an order, with her doing ''something'' under the water to make him change the order for a Coke to a Diet Coke.
* As Chandler gets up to leave for work after Rachel returns from Greece, he reflexively kisses Monica goodbye - in front of Rachel and Phoebe. He tries to cover his mistake by kissing them goodbye as well, and repeats this several times during the episode.
-->'''Joey:''' What the hell was that!?\\
'''Monica:''' Probably some... y'know, European goodbye thing he picked up in London, I... ''[shrugs]''\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[scoffs]'' That's not European!\\
'''Phoebe:''' It felt French.

[[AC:503: The One Hundredth]]
* Joey proves that he can make any sentence sound dirty. Case in point: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGC-lvCWsrM "Grandma's Chicken Salad."]]
* Joey's doctor explains that his kidney stones are in a position that means the only options are for him to pass them on his own or they could try going up the urethra to remove them, a suggestion Joey does not take well.
-->'''Joey:''' Woah-oh. No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going ''up''! Okay? "Up"..."up" is not an option - what's a urethra?\\
(''Monica whispers an explanation that makes Joey's eyes go very wide'')\\
'''Joey:''' (''to the doctor'') ARE YOU CRAZY?!
* Rachel tries to set herself and Monica up with two male nurses at the hospital at which Phoebe is having the triplets. Chandler's jealous reaction very nearly sinks his budding relationship with Monica, but he finally talks his way back into her good graces, and she goes to cancel her date with the nurse. Chandler breaks into a happy dance...
-->'''Monica:''' ''[without even turning around]'' Don't do the dance.\\
'''Chandler:''' Right. ''[stops dancing]''

[[AC:504: TOW Phoebe Hates Creator/{{PBS}}]]
* In TheTeaser, Monica and Chandler come perilously close to having their relationship become "public knowledge", requiring some fast - and not especially convincing - thinking from both of them:
-->''[Rachel, having just returned home, sorts through the mail, finds something addressed to Monica, and heads over to knock on her bedroom door]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[seductively]'' Come in... I've been waiting for you...\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[looks confused, but shrugs it off and heads into Monica's bedroom]'' Hi, I just wa- AHHHH! OH MY GOD! ''[runs back out again, covering her mouth]'' Oh my God! Monica! Oh my God! Oh, God...\\
'''Monica:''' ''[racing out of her room, hastily fastening a bathrobe]'' I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I-I was, um, I was taking a nap!\\
'''Rachel:''' Wha...? Since when do you take naps in that position!? ''[Monica looks embarrassed]'' Oh, God, Monica, please tell me you were waiting for a guy, please tell me you were waiting for a guy!\\
'''Monica:''' ''[grabbing onto this explanation]'' Yes! Yes I was! A guy! From work! ''[smiles]'' I'm seeing a guy from work! HA!\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[gasps]'' That cute waiter guy from your restaurant! The one that looks like a non-threatening Creator/RayLiotta!\\
'''Monica:''' ''[points at Rachel]'' Uh-huh! That one!\\
'''Rachel:''' Y'know what? Just give me a second, I'll be out of your hair, I'm just gonna grab a jacket, ''[does so and starts putting it on]'' when I get back... I want ''every little detail''. ''[Monica grins and points at her... only for her grin to vanish when someone knocks on the door]'' Maybe that's him...\\
'''Monica:''' ''[flustered]'' Okay, um... okay... um... ''[Rachel opens the door, and in walk...]'' It's just Joey and Ross. ''[smiles with relief]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Why aren't you guys at the movie?\\
'''Joey:''' ''[edgily, grabbing a beer from the fridge]'' Well, we ''were'', but Ross was talking so loud on his phone, they threw us out!\\
'''Ross:''' ''[covers the mic on his phone]'' I '''had''' to talk loud because the '''movie''' was loud! ''[storms off]''\\
'''Joey:''' He's talking to London.\\
'''Monica:''' Oh my God! Did he get in touch with Emily?\\
'''Joey:''' Well... no, not yet, he's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[into phone]'' I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name, you prissy old '''twit!'''\\
'''Joey:''' Ross! ''[gives him a sarcastic thumbs up]'' Way to suck up to the family.\\
''[Chandler enters, tossing a bottle of champagne end over end and chuckling with anticipation... and ''very'' quickly shifting gears to discomfort when he sees Rachel, Joey, and Ross there as well. Monica looks embarrassed while the other three look bewildered]''\\
'''Chandler:''' I'm so glad you guys are all here, my office ''finally'' got wrinkle-free fax paper!
* In the first scene after the opening credits, Joey enters Monica and Rachel's apartment in a tuxedo. Chandler's reaction is hysterical, as is Monica deciding she doesn't want an explanation of said reaction:
-->'''Joey:''' ''[entering]'' Hey. ''[closes the door behind him]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[jumping up from the kitchen table and pointing at Joey in horror]'' Oh no no n-n-n-n-n-n-no, vomit tux! No, no, vomit tux! ''[shifts one hand into a warding gesture and holds his nose with the other]''\\
'''Joey:''' Don't ''worry'', I had it dry cleaned! ''[Chandler calms down and sits down again]''\\
'''Monica:''' "Vomit tux"?? Who vomited on... ''[long pause]'' Y'know what... what'cha up to, Joe?
* Once Ross finally gets estranged wife Emily on the phone, he gets so excited that he shushes everyone and then hands Chandler a lamp for no reason at all. It's random and hilarious - and unscripted. David Schwimmer randomly picked up and handed off the lamp, and the look of confusion on Matthew Perry's face is genuine as he had no idea it was going to happen.

[[AC:505: TOW the Kips]]
* When Joey almost walks in on a tryst between Monica and Chandler in the middle of the night, they succeed in convincing him that it's 9AM when it's really 3 - Joey apparently has never been awake at 9. Even funnier: he goes into the bathroom to clean his teeth; seconds later, Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey, sitting on the toilet with his toothbrush in his mouth, fast asleep.
* Ross is dreading telling Rachel that his only way back into Emily's good graces involves never seeing Rachel ever again, to the point that he is chugging Pepto-Bismol straight from the bottle. However, circumstances keep de-railing his attempts to break the news.
** Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe's excuse for leaving Ross and Rachel alone involves flipping Monica's mattress:
--->'''Joey:''' So I'm thinking, basically, we pick it up and ''then'' we flip it.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeah, that's better than my way.
** Remembering being stuck in the room for hours the last time Ross and Rachel had a long and painful conversation about the demise of their relationship in "TO the Morning After", Joey has thought ahead and stashed a box in Monica's room containing snacks, reading material, games, and...
--->'''Chandler:''' Condoms!?\\
'''Joey:''' You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! ''We'' may have to repopulate the Earth.\\
'''Chandler:''' [[DidntThinkThisThrough And condoms are the way to do that?]]
** Unfortunately for Ross, Rachel is reading her mail when he tries to tell her about Emily's wishes, and she receives sad news from home:
--->'''Ross:''' Anyway, it, it kinda, it all boils down to this: the last time I talked to Emily-\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh my God! My dog died!\\
'''Ross:''' What?\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh my God! Le Poo, our dog!\\
'''Ross:''' Le Poo's still alive? ''[Rachel impatiently shoves the letter in his face]'' Ohh. Sorry.\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh God, it says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged for nine... ''[[[CueCardPause turns the page over]]]'' ...teen blocks. ''[breaking down]'' Oh... ''[Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler exit Monica's room, prepared for the worst]'' Oh my God...\\
'''Monica:''' Sweetie, we heard you crying, please don't cry...\\
'''Rachel:''' It's Le Poo...\\
'''Phoebe:''' I know it's le poo right now, but it'll get better.
** So Ross tries again at Central Perk, but Rachel's grief over her dog's death causes her nose to start bleeding:
--->'''Rachel:''' ''[tilting her head back]'' Oh, okay, so I'm sorry, what- what were you- what did you want to tell me?\\
'''Ross:''' Um... ''[Rachel blows her nose]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Sorry, sorry.\\
'''Ross:''' Okay, I, uh, I can't see you anymore.\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[still looking at the ceiling and not at Ross]'' [[LiteralMinded Yeah, I know, it's ridiculous, I can't see you either!]]
** On the third attempt, Ross ''finally'' communicates to Rachel that Emily has forbidden him from seeing her again. Rachel is livid, doubly so when he says he has already agreed to it, so she storms out - even after Ross points out that they're in ''her'' apartment.
** Later, Rachel shares her frustration with the other four at Central Perk - but chooses a rather tactless way to express it:
--->'''Rachel:''' Ugh. You know, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[offended]'' Ahh!?\\
'''Rachel:''' Honey, come on! You live far away, you're not related, you lift right out!
* Rachel later patches things up with Phoebe and suggests the two of them break away and form their own social group (Phoebe asks if they can bring Joey as well, thus leaving Chandler and the Gellers on their own). Then Ross arrives as Phoebe leaves:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Bye, Ross! ''(whispers) [-Forever.-]''
* ''[[TheDitz Joey]]'' of all people is the first to figure out that Monica and Chandler are dating; [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v44x7SFm3Eo his reaction is priceless]]. He puts the pieces together after remembering that Chandler mentioned seeing UsefulNotes/DonaldTrump waiting for an elevator at his conference and that the hotel where Chandler stayed called about an eyelash curler left in his room - and then...
-->'''Phoebe:''' ''[entering Monica and Rachel's apartment; everyone else except Ross is there]'' Hey.\\
'''Monica:''' ''[joining Phoebe in the kitchen]'' Hey!\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.\\
'''Monica:''' Yeah! Saw him waitin' for an elevator.\\
''[Joey gets a "Wait a minute..." look, but shrugs it off]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[looking in her purse]'' Hey Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler? I think I lost mine.\\
'''Rachel:''' Yeah, it's in the bathroom.\\
''[Joey's eyes suddenly go VERY wide; he points at Monica and looks back and forth between her and Chandler as his [[JawDrop jaw drops in shock]]]''\\
'''Joey:''' OH! ''[points at Chandler]'' OH!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[quickly]'' Joey, can I talk to you for a second?\\
'''Joey:''' OOOH! ''[points at Monica]'' OH-OH-OH!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[grabbing Joey's hand and dragging him toward Monica's bedroom]'' Joey, I need your-\\
'''Joey:''' ''[continuing to point back and forth between Chandler and Monica]'' OH! OH! OH-OH-OH! ''[Chandler bundles him into Monica's bedroom as Monica runs in after them; Rachel and Phoebe exchange "What the hell was that!?" looks. In the bedroom, Chandler shoves Joey onto the bed...]'' OHHHH! ''[... and covers his mouth as Monica enters and closes the door behind her; Joey continues pointing between Chandler and Monica]'' MMM! MMMMM!\\
'''Chandler:''' JOEY! ''[waits for him to stop yelling, then uncovers his mouth and anticipates the obvious question]'' ... Yes. Yes.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[to Chandler]'' You!? ''[to Monica]'' And-and you?!\\
'''Monica:''' Yes! But you ''cannot'' tell anyone, no-one knows!\\
'''Joey:''' How?! When?!\\
'''Chandler:''' It happened in London.\\
'''Joey:''' ''IN '''LONDON?!''''' ''[Chandler and Monica freak out and signal him to keep his voice down]''
* The final scene of the episode cuts back to Phoebe and Rachel out in the living room as the above conversation is going on.
-->'''Phoebe:''' We're so stupid. [[BaitAndSwitch Do you know what's going on in there?]] ''They're trying to take Joey!''

[[AC:506: TOW the Yeti]]
* Ross is putting up advertising flyers for a huge furniture sale he's having at Emily's behest. Gunther won't let him put the flyers up in Central Perk, but changes his tune when Ross explains the reason for the sale:
-->'''Monica:''' What is that?\\
'''Ross:''' Oh, um, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things.\\
'''Monica:''' ''[looking at the flyer]'' This is all of your things.\\
'''Ross:''' Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good, it's... Emily thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just ours, together. Y'know, brand new.\\
'''Monica:''' So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-touched sale.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[deflated]'' Touched, used, sat on, slept on...\\
'''Gunther:''' ''[overhearing]'' I'll take it all.
* When Emily calls Ross and everyone says hi, she asks who's there (obviously fishing to see if Rachel is there).
-->'''Emily:''' Hello everyone! So who am I saying hello to?\\
'''Joey:''' Well uh, I don't know about who's here, ''[[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and that's Rachel!]]''
* And later, when Ross decides he can't keep up the charade and reveals that Rachel is in fact there, Chandler tries to act like they just didn't see her.
-->'''Emily:''' She's there?!\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh yeah, there-there she is!
* Sadly for Ross, this is the final death knell for his marriage to Emily, as she admits that she can't trust him anymore. We do, however, get the payoff of the BrickJoke about his furniture:
-->'''Rachel:''' Ross, honey, is there anything we can do?\\
'''Ross:''' Yeah. You can help me get my furniture back from Gunther.

[[AC:508: TOW All the Thanksgivings]]
* On Thanksgiving in 1978, in the wake of the Bing family's divorce announcement, four little words turn the situation from depressing to hilarious (for the audience, not so much for young Chandler).
-->'''Cabana Boy:''' More turkey, Mr. Chandler? ''[flirty wink as Chandler gives his father a look of disbelief]''
* On Thanksgiving in 1992, Joey puts Monica's turkey on his head to scare Chandler and then can't remove it.
** Matt [=LeBlanc's=] mournful delivery of "It's Joey!" is made even better by it being muffled from the turkey.
** When he, Monica, and Phoebe spend a few seconds brainstorming for ways to remove the turkey, Joey holds his hand to his chin - or, rather, the turkey's backside - in a thoughtful pose.
** "I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can!"
** And when Joey does scare Chandler, given he can't see, he keeps pointing in the wrong direction.
* Chandler finds out Monica trying to get revenge on him for calling her fat on Thanksgiving in 1987 is the reason he lost his toe on Thanksgiving in 1988.
-->'''Chandler:''' That's why for an entire year people called me "Sir Limps-A-Lot"!?\\
''[...]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[grinning]'' "Sir Limps-A-Lot". I came up with that.\\
'''Joey:''' You're a dork.
* Monica trying to cheer Chandler up by putting a turkey on her head.

[[AC:509: TOW Ross' Sandwich]]
* Ross, already struggling with anger issues after the Thanksgiving leftover sandwich Monica made for him was stolen from the museum employees' fridge (a struggle "helped" by a threatening note Phoebe wrote for him to stop the replacement sandwich from being stolen), does not take it well when his boss reveals that he [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUtP03kUnTA ate the sandwich - well, sort of, he actually threw most of it away...]]
-->'''Dr. Ledbetter:''' ''[chuckles]'' Oh, you know what? I, I'm sorry, I... I, I believe I ate that.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[long pause]'' You ate my sandwich?\\
'''Dr. Ledbetter:''' It was a simple mistake, it could happen to anyone.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[his TranquilFury gradually becoming less tranquil]'' Oh, rea-really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moistmaker?[[note]] Ross' term for the piece of gravy-soaked bread Monica puts on Thanksgiving leftover sandwiches to address the usual problem of the turkey drying out.[[/note]]\\
'''Dr. Ledbetter:''' No, I-\\
'''Ross:''' Do you perhaps remember seeing a note on top of it?\\
'''Dr. Ledbetter:''' There may have been a, a, a joke or... limerick of some kind...\\
'''Ross:''' ''That said it was MY sandwich!''\\
'''Dr. Ledbetter:''' Now- now calm down... come look in my office, uh, some of it may still be in the trash.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[stands up, struggling mightily to keep his composure]'' What?\\
'''Dr. Ledbetter:''' ''[also standing up]'' Well, it was quite large, I... ''[stammers]'' I had to throw most of it away!\\
'''Ross:''' You - you - you - you ''threw my sandwich away!? [exterior shot of the museum]'' '''''My'' sandwich!?''' ''[shot of a flock of pigeons in Central Park] '''MY SANDWICH?!''' [the pigeons scatter]''
* This exchange, after Ross has been given a tranquilizer:
-->''[Ross enters Central Perk, eating a large wad of cotton candy; Chandler and Monica are on the sofa]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Ross?...\\
'''Ross:''' ''[sees Chandler and grins ear to ear]'' Hey Chandler! ''[his grin fades as he turns to look at...]'' Monica...\\
'''Monica:''' Ross, are you okay?\\
'''Ross:''' I'm fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today.\\
'''Monica:''' Why?\\
'''Ross:''' On account of my rage.\\
'''Chandler:''' Which, if I may say, right now is out of control.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[giggling]'' He gave me a pill for it!\\
'''Monica:''' A pill.\\
'''Ross:''' Uh-huh! Well, when the psychiatrist told me I had to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss, I started to get worked up again. ''[takes a deep breath]'' So he offered me a tranquilizer! And I thought it was a good idea... so I took it!\\
'''Monica:''' Wait a minute... they're making you take time off work?\\
'''Chandler:''' And you're okay with that?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[grins and shrugs]'' I dunno! ''[thinks]'' It's gonna be weird not having a job for a while, but I... I definitely don't care about my sandwich! ''[starts giggling again]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Yeah, y'know, I hate it when they make me see the shrink at my office. You know, he's always like "Oh, maybe your colleagues will like you better if you like yourself better". Who needs that?\\
'''Monica:''' You do.\\
'''Chandler:''' I know!
* In the Phoebe/Rachel subplot, Phoebe registers for an English literature evening class, and Rachel decides to join her, but her claim to have read ''Literature/WutheringHeights'' in high school turns out to be a lie. So she asks Phoebe what it's about, and Phoebe gives her the classic high school English "moors = mirror of Heathcliff's personality" simile... which Rachel then regurgitates after the teacher asks the class about the themes of the book, leaving Phoebe with nothing to present. Fast forward to the next class, and Rachel once again skips reading ''Literature/JaneEyre'' (she reads an issue of ''Vogue'' instead), so Phoebe {{Troll}}s Rachel by telling her Jane Eyre is a cyborg...
-->'''Rachel:''' Ugh! That was so embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on and on like that!\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[smirking]'' I'm sorry. It was just so funny when you started comparing ''Jane Eyre'' to ''Film/{{Robocop}}''.
* Rachel finding a naked picture of Monica meant for Chandler but blamed on Joey. Hell, the entire [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA_nL8K2dg8 scene]] is one.
-->'''Rachel:''' He has naked pictures of us, then he eats chicken, and then he looks at them!

[[AC:510: TOW the Inappropriate Sister]]
* From TheTeaser, Ross is bored out of his mind while out of work, having been to the bank, the post office, and the dry cleaners, then re-organising the fridge to put meat and dairy on the bottom shelf (contents: zero), fruits and vegetables on the middle shelf (contents: a single tomato), and expired products on the top shelf (contents: ''everything else''). Joey tells him he needs to pace himself, and demonstrates by prank-calling Chandler at work:
-->'''Chandler:''' Hello, Chandler Bing?\\
'''Joey:''' ''[falsetto]'' Hello, Mr. Bing. I love you.\\
'''Chandler:''' Look, whoever this is, stop calling. It's been six months, it's not funny!\\
'''Joey:''' I can see you, Mr. Bing. You look sexy in your new suit [[note]] An [[https://youtu.be/XIFjjYZH56I alternate version]] has him insistently whining "But I love you!"[[/note]]\\
'''Chandler:''' LEAVE ME ALONE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LEAVE ME ALONE! ''[hangs up]''\\
'''Joey:''' ''[to Ross]'' And that's Wednesday! ''[leans back in his recliner and gives a satisfied sigh]''
* The episode's A plot is set in motion when Monica finally loses patience with Rachel's "plan" to lure Danny, introduced in "TOW the Yeti", into going out with her.
-->'''Rachel:''' ''[as Danny enters Central Perk]'' Oh my God. Okay, you guys, here's Danny, watch. Just watch this. ''[Danny crosses to the counter and orders a cup of coffee to go]'' See? Still pretending he's not interested. ''[Ross and Joey share a confused look; Danny crosses back with his coffee]'' Okay, he's coming over. Just pretend like we don't know him - we've ''forgotten'' who he is.\\
'''Danny:''' Hey guys!\\
'''Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, Ross:''' Hey Danny.\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[glares at the other five, but avoids making eye contact with Danny for a few seconds, then...]'' Oh Danny! Hey!\\
'''Monica:''' ''[puts a hand to her forehead]'' Danny? You know Rachel. You know, she's nice, she's not bad to look at, right?\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[deadpan]'' Thanks, Mon.\\
'''Danny:''' Of- of course!\\
'''Monica:''' Do you wanna go out on a date with her?\\
'''Rachel:''' ''Monica!''\\
'''Danny:''' Ab- absolutely! Is Friday okay? ''[Rachel mutters to herself]''\\
'''Monica:''' Friday is perfect, she can't wait.\\
'''Danny:''' On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly, right? All right, see you Friday! ''[leaves]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Okay - what the ''hell'' was that? You know what - don't answer me. ''[giddily] I have a date with Danny!'' HA!
* Phoebe is one of the bell-ringers at a Salvation Army Christmas donation spot, but people also give her trash and one person sets the charity on fire by tossing in a cigarette. She grabs a passer-by's coffee cup and tosses the contents in, [[FromBadToWorse lighting the whole thing further ablaze]]:
-->'''Phoebe:''' What's ''in'' this? ''[sniffs the cup]'' ...It's nine o'clock in the ''morning!''
* The episode's title refers to the gang noticing Danny and his sister Krista are [[IncestSubtext a little too close]].
** It starts with Rachel returning to her and Monica's apartment after seeing Danny with his arm around Krista (whom Rachel does not know is Danny's sister) as they board the subway together. Monica assures Rachel that after their date, Danny will forget all about the "stupid subway girl". The funniest part of the scene comes after Rachel heads into her bedroom - and Monica quickly ushers a half-dressed Chandler out of her own bedroom and through the front door... after which he immediately returns for just long enough to kiss her goodbye.
** Rachel is introduced to Krista when she and Danny return to his apartment from their date, and she is more than a little put off by behaviour she later describes to Monica and Ross as "wrestley". The Geller siblings note that they wrestled when they were younger (Monica boasts that she was undefeated; Ross points out that she weighed 200 pounds), but not anymore - not, Ross claims, since he got too strong for Monica. Inevitably, they decide to get into a bout of wrestling right then and there, and as they begin grappling with each other, a deadpan Rachel thanks them for their help.
** Monica and Chandler join Rachel in finding Danny and Krista's relationship bordering on incestuous after a gathering at Central Perk during which Krista feeds Danny cake off her finger and then wipes icing off his crotch after it falls off mid-bite (Chandler almost squirming out of his chair as he watches the latter is especially hilarious); Joey, true to form, is a few steps behind the others:
--->'''Chandler:''' ''[after Danny and Krista have departed]'' Oh my God!\\
'''Monica:''' That was unbelievable.\\
'''Rachel:''' Okay, see? I told you!\\
'''Joey:''' Yeah, wow, sorry Rach.\\
'''Chandler:''' I don't ''believe'' they're brother and sister!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[flabbergasted; points toward the door]'' [[TheDitz They're brother and sister!?]]\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[spends a few seconds visibly wondering how Joey can be so clueless, then turns to Rachel]'' So I guess you're gonna have to cancel your date.\\
'''Monica:''' And call their mother!

[[AC:511: TOW All the Resolutions]]
* TheTeaser finds the gang and the obligatory assortment of TwentyFourHourPartyPeople watching the Times Square ball drop on TV at midnight on New Year's Eve, with Chandler and Monica dejected that they can't kiss at midnight without raising eyebrows they'd rather not raise. Joey, at this point still the only one to know about their relationship, puts on an uncharacteristic display of quick thinking to dilute the effect. The funniest parts are Ross and Rachel's identical reactions to the same logic in different contexts and Phoebe's reaction to Joey subtly reeling her into the plan:
-->'''Ross:''' ''[hopping up and down]'' 33! 32! 31!\\
'''Joey:''' Ross, Ross, Ross! ''[Ross stops hopping]'' Ross, listen! Who are you kissin' at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe?\\
'''Ross:''' What?\\
'''Joey:''' Well, you gotta kiss someone! Can't kiss your sister!\\
'''Ross:''' Well, who's gonna kiss my sister?\\
'''Joey:''' Chandler!\\
'''Ross:''' ''[grimaces]'' Aw, man, ''really?''\\
'''Joey:''' Dude, dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?\\
'''Ross:''' That's a good point. Well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.\\
'''Joey:''' Okay, great! ''[walks over to Phoebe, who is standing behind the sofa]'' Pheebs! Pheebs! Listen, Ross wants to kiss you at midnight!\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[rolls eyes]'' It's so ''obvious'', why doesn't he just ask? ''[smiles and heads over to Ross]''\\
'''Joey:''' ''[gives Chandler and Monica a thumbs up and turns to see Rachel walking out of the kitchen]'' Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.\\
'''Rachel:''' What?\\
'''Joey:''' Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. Can't kiss Ross, you got the history.\\
'''Rachel:''' So?\\
'''Joey:''' So, who would you rather have kissing you, me or Chandler?\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh, good point. ''[nods]''\\
'''Partygoers:''' THREE! TWO! ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR! ''[a cacophony of noisemakers goes off as Joey and Rachel kiss, Ross and Phoebe kiss, and Chandler and Monica kiss - a bit more passionately and for a bit longer than the other two pairs, but not enough to attract attention]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Happy New Year.\\
'''Monica:''' Happy New Year.\\
'''Ross:''' Happy New Year, Pheebs.\\
'''Phoebe:''' You too!\\
'''Rachel:''' Happy New Year, Joey!\\
'''Joey:''' ... so, that do anything for you? ''[Rachel looks perturbed]''
* Then there are the actual resolutions. They range from the mundane - Monica's is to take more photographs of the gang - to the bizarre - Phoebe's is to pilot a commercial jet - to, well...
** Joey's resolution is to learn how to play guitar, since he lists that on his resumé. Phoebe offers to teach him, but her teaching methods are unorthodox, to say the least; she won't let him actually hold a guitar for the first few lessons, and since she has no background in music theory, she refers to the chords by nicknames instead of note names. Then she discovers that Joey has been finding ways around the limits of her instruction:
--->'''Phoebe:''' Tiger. ''[Joey moves his hand into what Phoebe has told him is the configuration for a guitar chord]'' Dragon. ''[Joey shifts his fingers]'' Iceberg! ''[Joey shifts his fingers again; Phoebe despairs]'' Joseph, did you even study at ''all'' last night?\\
'''Joey:''' Yes, yes I did!\\
'''Phoebe:''' Then do Iceberg!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[to himself]'' G-sharp... ''[moves his fingers into position]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[incensed]'' G... sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? ''[Joey doesn't answer]'' Have you!? ''[Joey looks guilty]'' Oh my ''God''...\\
'''Joey:''' What?! I, I didn't touch a guitar!\\
'''Phoebe:''' No, but you're questioning my method!\\
'''Joey:''' No, I'm not questioning it, Phoebe, I'm sayin' it's stupid! ''[notices Monica standing between him and Phoebe, smiling]'' What? ''[the timer on Monica's camera goes off]''\\
'''Monica:''' Thank you! ''[goes to her bedroom]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' You know, none of my other... student... thought I was stupid!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[leafing through the Yellow Pages]'' Your other ''student'' was ''YOU!''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeah - well - y'know, maybe you just need to try a little harder!\\
'''Joey:''' And maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here, here! ''[shows Phoebe an entry in the Yellow Pages]'' Andy Cooper! He teaches guitar! And look, ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid, yeah, '''''and the kid's got a guitar!'''''\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[as Joey storms back to his and Chandler's apartment]'' FINE! You go and learn from your... qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone is sick and tired of hearing you play [[Music/JimCroce "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"]]!\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[entering, singing]'' "Baddest man in the whole damn town..."\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh, fine, take his side! ''[leaves, slamming the door behind her and leaving Rachel thoroughly confused]''
** Rachel's resolution is to gossip less - so naturally, this is the episode in which she learns of Chandler and Monica's relationship. She is desperate to tell someone, and settles on Joey, but he is already sick of keeping secrets (unaware that it's the same secret he's already keeping) and covers his ears and closes his eyes while singing tunelessly at the top of his lungs. Rachel gives up and leaves, then Chandler enters, sees Joey, and grins as he gets an idea. He picks up the chicken, which starts flapping its wings in protest, and holds it right in front of Joey's face. Joey opens his eyes... and '''screams'''.
** Ross' resolution is to try something new every day. He starts by asking out fellow Central Perk customer Elizabeth Hornswoggle, and the next day he buys a pair of skintight leather pants... which contract while he is wearing them on his date at Elizabeth's, forcing him to go into the bathroom and pull them down to his knees to cool off his legs. But then he can't pull them up again, and he calls Joey in a panic; Joey suggests talcum powder and moisturising lotion, but they combine to cover his legs in a white paste. Finally, Elizabeth gets concerned over the length of time Ross has spent in the bathroom, so he emerges, his legs still covered in paste and his pants crumpled into a ball and held over his crotch:
--->'''Elizabeth:''' ... oh my ''God!''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[sheepishly]'' I had a problem.
** Finally, Chandler's resolution is to stop making fun of his friends. Ross wagers him $50 that he can't last a week, and in TheTag, Chandler gives in:
--->'''Chandler:''' ''[entering Central Perk to find Ross, Monica, and Phoebe sat around the table]'' Oh good. Okay, look, I can't take it anymore, I can't take it anymore, so you win, okay? Here. ''[hands Ross $50]'' Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so you can get back to your ''home... planet! [Phoebe looks unamused]'' And Ross, phone call for you today, Music/TomJones, he wants his pants back! ''[Ross looks embarrassed]'' And "Hornswoggle"!? What, are you dating a character from ''Series/FraggleRock''? ''[he lets out a long, loud sigh of relief; Monica takes a picture of him]''

[[AC:512: TOW Chandler's Work Laugh]]
* Ross finds the other five already in Central Perk and orders a scone from Gunther, then tells the rest of the group that someone he knows is getting married, and weddings are happy, right? Oh, and "by the by", the person getting married is his now ex-wife Emily. When Gunther gives him the scone, he passes the plate to Rachel, puts the scone on the table...
-->'''Ross:''' ''[pounding the scone with his fist on each word]'' STUPID - BRITISH - SNACK - FOOD!\\
'''Chandler:''' Did they teach you that in your anger management class?\\
''[...]''\\
'''Joey:''' ''[looks at the flattened scone]'' Anybody gonna eat that?
* The episode's A plot sees Monica and Chandler relishing not having to hide their status as a couple at social events thrown by Chandler's employers, until Monica discovers that Chandler has an irritating nasal fake laugh that he trots out for his boss Doug's bad jokes. Chandler tells her that she'll need a fake laugh of her own to get through the office party, so she develops one that must be heard to be believed; comparisons to barking seals are not unmerited. She trots it out again when Rachel asks if there is anything going on between her and Chandler.
* Phoebe tries to mediate an argument between the duck and the chicken, which has unintended consequences for Ross' communication with Emily:
-->'''Phoebe:''' ''[the duck quacks]'' Okay, then what happened? ''[the duck flaps its wings; Phoebe gasps]'' Oh! Uh-huh, uh-huh... ''[the chicken clucks]'' Uhh- you'll get your turn!\\
'''Ross:''' ''[enters, dejected]'' Hey Pheebs, what's goin' on?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Nothing! ''[picks up the chicken]'' This is ''not'' over. ''[sets the chicken down on the floor]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[grabs a piece of paper from the counter where the chicken was sitting]'' No, no, no!...\\
'''Phoebe:''' What?\\
'''Ross:''' Ugh! I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily, it was perfect, and now it's all covered in, in... ''[the duck quacks]'' Actually, thanks! ''[smiles]''
* As if two people with {{Annoying Laugh}}s in one episode isn't enough, Ross gets so angry about Emily getting married to someone else that he wanders off and ends up hooking up with Janice.
-->'''Janice:''' Uh, o-okay, uh, o-okay, I know what you all are thinking, but [[ContinuityNod Chandler is in Yemen]]! I'm a young woman. I have needs. I can't wait forever.\\
'''Rachel:''' Yeah! No, that's what I was thinking. ''[gives Ross a DisapprovingLook]''\\
'''Janice:''' So I'm asking you, please, just take a moment... before you judge me.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh, nobody's judging YOU. ''[Monica, Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel turn in unison to glare at Ross]''
* When Joey and the others question him about what he's done, Ross says he and Janice actually have a lot in common.
-->''[after Janice leaves, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, and Monica turn in unison to glare at Ross again]''\\
'''Joey:''' So I guess you finished your book.[[note]] The payoff of a BrickJoke about the excuse Ross gave for not joining the gang at a screening of ''Film/YouveGotMail''.[[/note]] ''[smirks]'' Had some time on our hands, did we?\\
'''Ross:''' Okay, look, I-I know what you guys are gonna say-\\
'''Phoebe:''' You two would have ''very'' hairy children. ''[Rachel nods]''\\
'''Ross:''' ... Okay, I didn't know you would say ''that''.\\
'''Rachel:''' Ross! '''Janice!?'''\\
'''Joey:''' All right, hold on, hold on, hold on. ''[walks over and puts his arm around Ross' shoulder]'' This is Ross, okay? He's our friend. He obviously went crazy. He obviously lost his mind.\\
'''Ross:''' Look, it's not that crazy, okay?\\
'''Monica:''' But it's ''Janice!'' I mean, she's... ''Janice!'' How drunk ''were'' you!?\\
'''Ross:''' Okay, Janice and I both have a lot in common! ''[counting on his fingers]'' We've, we've both been divorced. We, we both have kids.\\
'''Phoebe:''' So, are you actually gonna see her again?\\
'''Joey:''' Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head.\\
'''Ross:''' I am gonna see her again.\\
'''Joey:''' Dammit, Phoebe!
* Janice breaks up with Ross because he keeps complaining about the various problems he's endured this season. The idea that he's become so whiny that ''Janice'' can't stand to be around him is a wake-up call for him.

[[AC:513: TOW Joey's Bag]]
* Joey starts wearing a bag around to try and improve his credibility as an actor. Chandler and Ross make much with the fun, until eventually Chandler runs out of ways to imply Joey's a woman, and just runs with.
-->'''Rachel:''' That bag is definitely going to get you the part.\\
'''Chandler:''' And a date with a man!
* The subplot about Chandler lying to Monica about her terrible massages.
** He didn't want to hurt her feelings, but when he finally tells her the truth, she starts crying.
--->'''Chandler:''' Okay, but now see, you're crying.\\
'''Monica:''' I'm not crying about that. I'm crying about something that happened at work.\\
'''Chandler:''' What?\\
'''Monica:''' My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages!\\
'''Chandler:''' It's okay. You don't have to be the best at everything.\\
'''Monica:''' OH MY GOD, YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL!
** The way Chandler gets out of this is pretty good, too: [[InsaneTrollLogic telling Monica she gives the best bad massage]].
** Earlier in the episode, when Monica finally learns she gives bad massages, deserves to be mentioned. Chandler had been avoiding telling her about them, until she tries to give him one in front of everyone. Naturally, she tries to go into one of her rants saying “But the minute we start to lie to each other-“ only to be cut off by Chandler’s “do you realize what you’re doing” and then realizes she’s about to let the cat out of the bag and blow their cover, quickly recovers with “and by WE, I mean society!”

[[AC:514: TOW Everybody Finds Out]]
* Phoebe's amazingly shocked/{{Squick}}ed reaction to seeing Monica and Chandler having sex. She starts yelling "Chandler and Monica! CHANDLER AND MONICA!" (along with Rachel going "[[OhCrap Oh my God!]]") and then she eventually covers her eyes and yells "MY EYES!"
-->'''Rachel:''' Phoebe, it's okay! IT'S OKAY!\\
'''Phoebe:''' NO, THEY'RE ''DOING IT!!''\\
'''Rachel:''' I know, I know! I know!\\
'''Phoebe:''' YOU ''KNOW?''\\
'''Rachel:''' YES I KNOW, AND JOEY KNOWS, BUT ROSS DOESN'T KNOW [[HypocriticalHumor SO YOU HAVE TO STOP SCREAMING!!]]
* After Phoebe sees Monica and Chandler having sex from the view out the window, she and Rachel pretend to be super-excited about Ross possibly getting the apartment to distract him from looking out the window. He even joins in the excitement by the end. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbYpbdHCqUI It has to be seen to be believed.]]
* Ross, finding out that Ugly Naked Guy is subletting his apartment, sends a bribe, and goes to the window to show the others:
-->'''Monica:''' Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?\\
'''Ross:''' ... No.\\
'''Chandler:''' That new mountain bike?\\
'''Ross:''' ... No.\\
'''Monica:''' Well, what did you send?\\
'''Ross:''' ... A basket of mini-muffins.\\
'''Phoebe:''' But there's a whole table of mini-muffin baskets; which one did you send?\\
'''Ross:''' ... The small one.\\
'''Rachel:''' What? You-you actually thought that basket was going to get you the apartment?\\
'''Ross:''' Well...yeah. Someone sent us a basket at work once, and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.\\
'''Chandler:''' Your work makes me sad.
* Before leaving, Phoebe pinches Chandler's butt as part of her campaign to make him think she's into him.
-->'''Monica:''' Oh, my god... Oh, my god, she knows about us!\\
'''Chandler:''' Are you serious?\\
'''Monica:''' Phoebe knows, and she's just trying to freak us out. That's the only explanation for it.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[give Monica a "Gee, thanks" look]'' Okay, but what about my pinchable butt and my ''bulging'' biceps? ''[feels his bicep]'' She knows!
* Joey confesses to Chandler and Monica that both Phoebe and Rachel know about them... so Chandler and Monica decide to play along with Phoebe's fake flirting with Chandler, which the latter sums up with "Ah, yes... the messers become the mess''ees''!"
* Inevitably, Phoebe and Rachel realise that Monica and Chandler are counter-messing with them, and so begins a "Who will crack first?" approach to the charade between them. Joey, as ever, is completely lost:
-->'''Phoebe:''' God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us!? They don't know that we know they know we know! ''[Joey shakes his head in utter confusion]'' Joey, you can't say anything!\\
'''Joey:''' I couldn't even if I wanted to.
* The reaction of the group is priceless when they see Ross hanging out with Ugly Naked Guy while being naked himself!
-->'''Joey:''' Hey, hey, check it out, check it out! Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend! ''[Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe join him at the window]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh yeah!... ''[all five of them slowly get utterly horrified looks]'' Oh my God, that's '''our friend!''' ''[Monica turns and buries her face in Chandler's shoulder]'' IT'S NAKED ROSS!\\
'''Chandler, Phoebe, Joey:''' Oh my God!/It ''is'' Ross!...
* Rachel and a reluctant Joey help Phoebe prepare for her "date" with Chandler. Joey isn't paying particularly close attention to Phoebe's requests:
-->'''Rachel:''' Show time!\\
'''Phoebe:''' Okay, Rachel, get me perfume!\\
'''Rachel:''' Okay! ''[she runs off to do just that]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? ''[Joey trudges off to do just that; Rachel returns with the perfume and sprays it in the air in front of Phoebe, who walks into the mist and spins around in it. Meanwhile, Joey returns with a bottle and two mugs]'' All right! Thanks. But... um, glasses that do not have handles and that are glass. ''[looks at the bottle]'' And, um, wine that is not olive oil.
* During the "Who will crack first?" fake date between Chandler and Phoebe, Rachel and Joey listen from the hallway, while Monica hides in Chandler and Joey's bathroom. When Phoebe tells Chandler she wants him to rub lotion all over her, he runs into the bathroom, ostensibly to get the lotion but actually to get re-assurance from Monica. As he is about to head back out with the lotion, he notices something different about the bathroom...
-->'''Chandler:''' Did you clean up in here??\\
'''Monica:''' Of course!
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb3TdbQVP5A Chandler and Phoebe's]] flirting shenanigans. Phoebe 'dances' for him while promising she's 'very bendy', while Chandler just looks terrified the entire time.
-->'''Phoebe:''' So ... this is my bra.\\
'''Chandler:''' I'm so happy that we're going to have all the sex.
* In TheTag, Ross, having succeeded in subletting Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, is meeting with his boss, Dr. Ledbetter, to prove that he's no longer angry. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fb37UThL4I Then he sees Monica and Chandler fooling around through their apartment window]]:
--> '''Ross:''' Wait. No...! What? '''What are you doing?!''' ''[as Dr. Ledbetter beats a hasty retreat]'' '''''[[SuddenlyShouting GET OFF MY SISTER!!!]]'''''

[[AC:515: TOW the Girl Who Hits Joey]]
* The entire opening scene where Ross confronts Chandler and Monica.
** Ross' [[LargeHam rather hammy rage]] throughout the scene for the first half, complete with him sticking his head through the door (which is thankfully bolt locked) à la ''Film/TheShining'':
--->'''Ross:''' Chandler! CHANDLER! ''[tries to open the door, but can only get it open a few inches because of the chain; Monica and Chandler jump up and hastily re-adjust their clothes]'' I saw what you were doing through the window, I saw what you were doing to my sister, NOW GET OUT HERE!
** Chandler's reaction to Ross clearly wanting to gut him is priceless:
--->'''Chandler:''' [''quickly''] Listen, we had a good run. What was it four, five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime. So goodbye, take care, buh-bye then.\\
[''Chandler hastily kisses Monica, then heads for the apartment window'']\\
'''Monica:''' What are you doing?\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh, I'm going on the lam!
** Monica opens the door for Ross and tries acting casual. Courteney Cox's delivery just sells it:
--->'''Monica:''' ...Hey Ross! What's up, bro?
** Rachel and Joey arrive after having heard Ross scream:
--->'''Rachel:''' Hey, what- what's going on?\\
'''Chandler:''' [''staring down an angry Ross''] Well I think -- I '''''think''''' -- Ross knows about me and Monica?\\
'''Joey:''' [''whispering while making "cut" gesture at his throat''] [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Dude, he's right there?!]]\\
'''Everyone Else:''' [''looks at Joey with a DeathGlare, especially Chandler'']
** After [[SugarWiki/HeartwarmingMoments Chandler and Monica reveal they love each other and Ross gushily accepts it]] Joey says they should leave so Chandler and Monica can get back to what they were doing. Ross shoots him a {{Squick}}ed look leading to this gem:
--->'''Joey:''' Hey, I'm just talking here, he's the one doing your sister!
* Joey's petite girlfriend, per the title, likes to hit Joey (playfully).
-->'''Rachel:''' She is so cute. You could fit her right in your little pocket.\\
'''Joey:''' I don't know. I mean, I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but...\\
'''Monica:''' But what?\\
'''Joey:''' She keeps punching me.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[stifles a laugh]''\\
'''Monica:''' In that cute, little sweet way she just did?\\
'''Joey:''' Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks, okay? She...She's hurting me.\\
'''Monica:''' Oh, see, I know what you need. You need a bodyguard. Hey, Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?\\
''[Ross and Phoebe laugh]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Okay, listen. Joey is having a problem...with a little girl who's beating him up.\\
'''Rachel:''' Aw, Joey, come here. ''[holds Joey's hand]'' Look, honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you -- Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you?

[[AC:516: TOW a Cop]]
* Ross buying a new couch.
** Ross apparently expects a lot of his new couch:
--->'''Ross:''' I want my couch to say "Kids welcome" but also say (''seductively'') "Come here to me".\\
'''Rachel:''' [[FlatWhat What?]] [[MistakenForPedophile You say that to KIDS?]]\\
'''Ross:''' No, no. It's for the ''ladies.''\\
'''Rachel:''' Ross, honey, it's a nice couch, it's not a ''magic'' couch.
** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w3wmQAMoxQ Ross' attempt to enlist Rachel and Chandler to get his new couch up several flights of stairs goes badly.]]
--->'''Ross:''' ''[as the couch gets wedged between the balustrades]'' Pivot! Pivot! PIVOT!!\\
'''Chandler:''' [[BigShutUp SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!]]
** In TheTag, Ross returns the couch, which appears to have been hacked in half with a chainsaw. He dodges the shop assistant's questions about whether the couch was delivered in that condition or he was the one who chopped it up, and tells her that he will accept store credit toward a replacement. The unamused shop assistant offers him $4 in store credit; Ross has to think about it for a moment before accepting.

[[AC:517: TOW Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05c4TS7obbM Ross' "bits" when he gets his new apartment.]]
-->'''Joey:''' Oh looklooklook, Ross is doing his "watching TV" bit.\\
''(cut to Ross at the window sitting on his couch and watching TV)''\\
'''Monica:''' No Joey, I think he's just watching TV.\\
''(cut to Ross in his apartment, the TV is off and Ross just grins)''
* As Joey watches Ross' pantomimes, he inadvertently attracts the attention of a "hot girl" in the same building, and within seconds, she is motioning him to come over. He counts the number of floors and apartments, heads over to the building... and ends up at Ross' apartment. He sees her a second time, counts the number of floors and apartments again... and still ends up at Ross' apartment.
-->'''Joey:''' ''[as Ross answers the door]'' Damn it! Did you move!?\\
'''Ross:''' Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. ''[Joey looks at him in confusion]'' I'm Ross.
* After hearing from Phoebe about being in that "can't keep our hands off each other phase with Gary" Monica is bugged that she's no longer in that phase with Chandler.
-->'''Monica:''' We have got to beat them.\\
'''Chandler:''' What?\\
'''Monica:''' Because... Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are.\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh. So?\\
'''Monica:''' "So?" So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex and prove them wrong.\\
'''Chandler:''' You have got to stop this competitive thing. Okay? It's crazy. Just to impress Gary and Phoebe, you want me to go upstairs and have sex with you over and over and over and I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!
* Joey makes the mistake of going door to door in Ross' building in search of the girl with whom he was flirting, so that when Ross goes to the mailboxes, a flyer from Joey asking "the hot girl who waved at me" to call him is side by side with a flyer with a sketch of Joey labelling him an intruder and instructing residents to call the police if they see him. As it happens, the girl Joey was looking for, Jen, is checking her mail at the same time as Ross, and he works up the courage to ask her out. Meanwhile, Monica explains to Joey that he was counting the floors wrong, so he ''finally'' goes to the correct apartment... at the same time Ross is collecting Jen for their date, so that he answers the door '''again'''.

[[AC:519: TOW Ross Can't Flirt]]
* Ross' painful attempts at flirting with the cute pizza delivery girl who has short hair. She jokes with Chandler that her new haircut makes her look like an "eight year old boy" (Chandler says if that were true, gym class would have been a lot more interesting). When she comes to deliver pizza to them again, at the door Ross says, [[MistakenForPedophile "You know I happen to like eight year old boys."]]

[[AC:520: TOW the Ride Along]]
* Rachel happens to be in Ross's apartment when Emily leaves a message saying she's thinking of backing out of her wedding. She calls Monica over to discuss whether they should tell Ross or delete the message:
-->'''Monica:''' She's obviously unstable, okay? She's thinking of running out on her wedding day. ''(Rachel turns to glare at her with pursed lips: she did that in the pilot. Monica sees this.)'' Okay, fine! But look at the position she's putting him in. And what's he gonna do? Like, Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage? Who would do that? ''(Rachel claps her hands, sighs, and turns with another glare: she did that in the previous season finale)'' Okay, fine, alright? But, y'know, that was different. Although it did involve a lot of the same people.
* During the ride along, the group mistakes a car backfiring for a gunshot. Joey dives on top of Ross, but he later reveals he was actually trying to protect his sandwich.
* The gang is discussing how they'd perform in a war. Monica asserts she would be great.
-->'''Monica:''' And you know I'd make general before any of you.\\
'''Chandler:''' Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

[[AC:521: TOW the Ball]]
* Rachel adopts a hairless cat.
-->'''Joey:''' That is not a cat.\\
'''Rachel:''' Yes, it is.\\
'''Ross:''' Why is it inside out?!
* Later:
-->'''Monica:''' You have scratches all over. What happened?\\
'''Rachel:''' Well, it's my cat.\\
'''Monica:''' What?\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh, yeah, I got a cat.\\
'''Monica:''' I don't want a cat.\\
'''Joey:''' Oh, don't worry. It's not a cat.\\
'''Rachel:''' You guys, this cat is nothing like my grandmother's cat. I mean, it's not sweet. It's not cute. I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear--I know this sounds crazy--but every time this cat hisses at me, I know it's saying, ''[whispering]'' "Rachel."

[[AC:522: TOW Joey's Big Break]]
* The rapid-fire game invented by Phoebe never fails to be amusing, but the grand prize goes to Joey using Pheebs's "Would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?" question on '''Ross''' of all people.
--> '''Ross:''' Dude, you are sick.
-->''([[TheDitz Joey]] looks perplexed for several seconds.)''
-->'''Joey:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Oh yeah, sorry, I shouldn't have asked that...you know, with that whole history you have with Rachel.]]
-->''(Joey gets up and leaves while Ross looks incredulous.)''
* One of the episode's B plots focuses on Phoebe being angry at Ross for reasons she won't discuss - especially not with Ross himself.
** When Ross sits next to her on the sofa at Central Perk and she leans further and further away from him while holding a magazine right up to her face, he tries offering an apology for his mysterious slight, and it seems to work, until...
--->'''Ross:''' ''[gets up to leave]'' I'll, uh... I'll see you later, okay?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Bye. ''[to herself]'' Fatass.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[snaps]'' ALL RIGHT! Phoebe, now come on! Would you please tell me what it is that made you so mad at me!?\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[huffily]'' I don't know, I don't remember!\\
'''Ross:''' ... well, if you can't remember, can't we just forget about this?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Ohhh no, I am mad at you, I know that much. But I am sorry about the "fatass" thing, 'cause you actually have a very sweet little heinie. ''[Ross reflects on this, then smiles and shrugs modestly before going back to looking confused]''
** Ross finally tricks Phoebe into explaining the reason for her anger at him:
--->'''Ross:''' Okay, Pheebs, I know how we're gonna figure this out. Clear your mind, and answer the first thing that comes into your head, okay?\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[smiles]'' Mm-hmm.\\
'''Ross:''' What do you like better, flora or fauna?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Fauna.\\
'''Ross:''' Who would you rather be, [[Music/SimonAndGarfunkel Simon or Garfunkel]]?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Garfunkel.\\
'''Ross:''' Why are you mad at me?\\
'''Phoebe:''' You said I was boring. ''[realises]'' Ohh!\\
'''Ross:''' When did I say you were boring!?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess!\\
'''Ross:''' ... Phoebe, you and I have ''never'' played chess.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh ''come on'', yes, 'member, that time on the frozen lake, we were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Creator/CameronDiaz! ''[Ross looks thoroughly confused; after a moment, so does Phoebe]'' Okay, there's a ''chance'' this may have been a dream...
* The other B plot has Rachel suffering from an eye infection, but she freaks out when anyone or anything comes near her eyes. Or anyone else's.
** She tries getting out of her eye appointment by spilling a box of cereal on the floor to get [[NeatFreak Monica]] to waste time cleaning it up. Monica confidently claims she won't be sidetracked by the mess and ushers Rachel out the door...before immediately coming back and wailing for Chandler to clean it up.
** Rachel is finally dragged to the optometrist, Dr. Miller, and prescribed eye drops (the alternative being to let the infection rage out of control until she needs to be fitted for a glass eye). But before they leave...
--->'''Monica:''' Dr. Miller? ''[covers her eye and reads the eye chart]'' P, E, C, F, D.\\
'''Dr. Miller:''' Very good, Monica! You know where they are!\\
'''Monica:''' I sure do! ''[runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop, which she brandishes triumphantly at Rachel]'' And ''you'' don't get one!
** Monica tries to put the drops in Rachel's eyes, but she's a big baby. In TheTag, the gang sans Joey are in the girls' apartment. Ross asks Rachel to hand him the ''TV Guide'', and when she leans forward, Monica yells, "Go!" They all tackle her and hold her down while Monica administers the drops.
--->''[Rachel is sat between Phoebe and Ross on the sofa; Chandler is sitting on the back of the sofa, while Monica is in the kitchen]''\\
'''Ross:''' Hey Rach, can you pass me the ''TV Guide''?\\
'''Rachel:''' Yeah. ''[leans forward to pick up said publication]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[jumping out of her chair]'' GO!\\
''[the other three leap into action; in a matter of seconds, Ross tackles Rachel to the floor and sits on her legs, holding one arm down while Chandler holds the other down and Phoebe grabs Rachel's head and holds her eye open]''\\
'''Rachel:''' WAAAAGH! What are you DOING!? Stop it! AHHH! Oh my GOD!\\
'''Monica:''' Hold it open, okay... ''[puts a few drops into Rachel's eye]''\\
'''Rachel:''' AHHHHH!\\
''[Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica climb to their feet; Rachel is too shocked to do anything but lie there]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''[as she and the others walk off]'' We'll see you in about three or four hours!\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[as Ross adds insult to injury by patting her on the stomach]'' Ugh!...

[[AC:523-24: TO in Vegas]]
* Phoebe confronting the lurker.
-->'''Phoebe:''' I'm gonna be on your ass every hour of every day till Monday because that's when I go home. When do you leave?\\
'''Lurker:''' Also Monday.\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[in the exact same angry tone]'' What time? Maybe we can share a cab.
* Ross and Rachel end up getting drunk in the hotel room after an escalating prank war on the plane sees Rachel with a permanent marker beard and moustache.
** Highlights include Rachel attempting to phone the front desk for "more alcohol and more beers", Ross falling over when trying to sit down and immediately asking a perplexed ''Joey'' if he's okay, and Rachel responding to Joey's "How YOU doin'?" with a flirtatious "I'm doin' good baby, how 'bout you?" Joey laughs, [[OOCIsSeriousBusiness shortly before telling Ross to not let her drink any more]].
** Rachel is finally coaxed out of the hotel room when Ross lets her draw on his face. She draws whiskers and a nose, and writes ROSS on his forehead. They then drunkenly bow to a statue in awe.
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Season 6]]
[[AC:601: TO After Vegas]]
* Ross tries to convince Rachel to stay married by saying that they can have a reception and she can keep all the presents. That actually distracts Rachel for a second as she visualizes it.

[[AC:602: TOW Ross Hugs Rachel]]
* Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are on their way to a movie when Ross confesses to Phoebe that he didn't get his Vegas marriage with Rachel annulled. Phoebe promptly hails a taxi, shoves Rachel into it even though the cinema to which they are going, the Angelica, is within walking distance, and bangs on the roof while shouting [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aFX9L8e-N0 "Hurry, the Angelica! Go! Go!"]] to the driver, who takes off. After Phoebe confronts Ross over lying to Rachel about the annulment, Rachel's taxi reverses back to where Phoebe and Ross are standing. Phoebe asks Rachel how she enjoyed the movie; Rachel points out that she hasn't seen it, so Phoebe bangs on the taxi roof while shouting "Hurry, the Angelica! Go! Go!" again. And once again the driver takes off as Rachel yells at him to stop.
* Monica's intensity is always a sight to behold such as the time when she tried to get Rachel to cry when she told her that she and Chandler are moving in together.
-->'''Monica:''' It's the end of an era, you might say.\\
'''Rachel:''' Mon, are you okay? You're not blinking.

[[AC:604: TOW Joey Loses His Insurance]]
* Joey's time out of work has caused his health benefits to lapse, so he needs to find work to qualify for insurance again. Unfortunately, in preparing for his auditions, he gives himself a hernia lifting weights, and he can't get surgery without insurance, so he has to audition for roles with a hernia. His first audition is for a swing set commercial, appearing opposite an eight-year-old boy:
-->'''Joey:''' ''[puts hand down his pants to relieve the pain]'' Hey Timmy, I've got a surprise for you.\\
'''Casting director:''' Oh my ''God!''
* Near the end of the episode, Joey gets the easier job of filming a deathbed scene, but they can't get the stonefaced kid acting as his son to cry. [[CrossesTheLineTwice They show him the hernia. Cue the waterworks.]]
-->'''Chandler:''' WE HAVE A CRYING CHILD! ROLL THE DAMN CAMERAS!
* In the B plot, Ross gets a faculty position at NYU, but in his first class, a case of nerves causes him to talk with a (not very good) fake English accent. Then Monica and Rachel arrive, and soon they are also affecting (even worse) [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnXJzxVSPyk fake accents]] (Irish for Monica, Indian for Rachel).
* In TheTag, Joey is gearing up to have Phoebe swing a baseball bat at his head. Chandler and Monica come in and are like, "What are you doing?" and on hearing that it's a celebration of Joey getting his insurance back, Chandler winds up with a golf club and Monica grabs a skillet.

[[AC:605: TOW Joey's Porsche]]
* Joey is polishing the Porsche that he has the keys to (long story) when Ross and Rachel walk up. They're arguing about the scene that Ross made at divorce court over Rachel's facetious annulment paperwork. Joey turns to them and smugly says "How are the Gellers?" It's a double joke because Ross and Rachel don't want to be "The Gellers" and they are obviously not happy. Trolling at its finest.
* Rachel reveals that she's started to remember what happened when they got drunkenly married in Vegas—Ross thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes, Rachel thought it would be funnier to get married. So they compromised—marriage first, ''then'' the grapes. Then it turns out they had their wedding dinner at Pizza Hut:
-->'''Ross:''' Did I even treat?\\
'''Rachel:''' No, it was on the house; it was—it was a newlywed special.\\
'''Ross:''' That may be the most depressing thing I've heard in my life.
* Joey's attempts to look as if he still has a Porsche. First, he's head-to-toe branded clothes ("Did a Porsche vomit on you?"). Then he unveils something under a blanket that even fools two women, only for kids playing football to reveals it's a bunch of boxes.

[[AC:606: TO on the Last Night]]
* After a night of arguing with Rachel, Monica realizes how much she is going to miss her when she leaves -- and ruins what otherwise would have been a TearJerker moment with a nice bit of {{Bathos}}:
-->'''Monica:''' And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. ''(To Rachel - starts to well up)'' You were so ''great.'' You made it so easy. And now you have to leave! ''(breaks down)'' ''And I have to live with a BOOOOOYYYYY!''
* Ross' fake Ben dummy he makes to get out of helping Monica pack Rachel's things, which is just a Jack-O-Lantern head placed on top of some clothes. He is finally rumbled when the head falls off.

[[AC:607: TOW Phoebe Runs]]
* "Thank you for bringing her into our lives..."
* After Chandler finishes unpacking his stuff in Monica's apartment, he hears Joey quietly giggling from inside one of the boxes, immediately realizing that Joey intends to pull a prank on him. Chandler decides to play along:
-->'''Chandler:''' Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh, and look, there is still one box that I have to unpack. ''[Joey giggles again, to which Chandler rolls his eyes with amusement]''\\
'''Joey''' ''[pops up out of the box]'': I got you! ''[laughs, all the while Chandler is completely unfazed]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[in the most deadpan voice possible]'' [[AccentUponTheWrongSyllable Oh my god, you almost gave me a heart attack]].\\
'''Joey:''' Oh! [[TheDitz Well, it was so hard not to laugh]]!
* With Joey already on his guard about getting into a relationship with his new roommate, Janine, he becomes convinced that there is romantic tension developing between them and seeks Ross and Chandler's advice on how to repel women.
-->'''Joey:''' Look, I need your help, okay? I have to do something to, to repel this woman! ''[gets an idea]'' Wait a minute, wait a minute... you guys repel women all the time! ''[Ross and Chandler look offended]''\\
'''Ross:''' Hey, I've been married three times! ''[cue SarcasticClapping from Chandler; Ross glares at him]''\\
'''Joey:''' No, no no no no! I've seen it happen! You, you, you get a rapport going with a woman, but ''somehow'' you manage to kill it! Time after time after time after time! ''[he pounds his fist into his palm with each repetition of "time"]'' What's your secret?\\
'''Ross:''' Look, we do ''not'' repel women, okay? That is completely untrue!\\
'''Chandler:''' Ohhh, yes we do, my man. Remember when we were back in college, when we went to that spring dance, and you walked right up to that girl you liked, and you could ''not'' stop talking about the Irish potato famine?\\
'''Ross:''' Yeah, well, what about you? You weren't so, y'know, hot in college either! After everything he said, he'd go ''[mimics {{Rimshot}}]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ... yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, maybe I should stop doing that?\\
'''Ross:''' Well, you know what? Girls don't like it when I, when I start talking about science.\\
'''Chandler:''' That's not specific to girls.\\
'''Joey:''' This is great, this is great! Wh- what else, what else?\\
'''Ross:''' Uh... oh, they don't like it when [[GrammarCorrectionGag you correct their grammar.]]\\
'''Chandler:''' And they don't like it when [[DontExplainTheJoke you explain why your jokes are funny.]]\\
'''Ross:''' You know, they don't like it when you keep ''asking'' them if ''they'' like ''you''.\\
'''Chandler:''' Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.\\
'''Ross:''' I'm never gonna find love again.
* Ross has already sent Chandler into a panic by pointing out that his decision to clean the apartment means that nothing is where Monica usually puts it, and he predicts she'll kill him when she sees the "mess" he's made. Then Monica returns:
-->'''Chandler:''' ''[closing the door on Monica]'' No, no, no, no, no, no! You can't come in here. R... Ross is naked!\\
'''Monica:''' What?!\\
'''Ross:''' What?!\\
'''Chandler:''' I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed to see me naked.\\
'''Ross:''' Why does ''anyone'' have to be naked?\\
'''Monica:''' Why is Ross naked?\\
'''Ross:''' I... I had to... show Chandler something.\\
'''Monica:''' ''Naked?''\\
'''Ross:''' Yeah, I, I, uh... I guess I have a, uh... a guy problem.\\
'''Monica:''' Is it the same thing that Chandler had? ''[Chandler looks mortified and makes warding gestures toward the door]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Look, uh, just, just come back later. We'll get everything squared away and you can come back later.\\
'''Monica:''' Okay. Hey, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine left under the sink in the bathroom. Bye.\\
'''Chandler:''' Bye-bye. ''[waits a few seconds until he is fairly sure Monica is out of earshot, then sighs in relief]'' Thank God. ''[heads over to straighten the cushions on the couch]''\\
'''Ross:''' Dude, what'd you have? ''[Chandler gives him a DeathGlare]''
* Inevitably, despite Chandler and Ross' best efforts, Monica notices that nothing is where it usually is the second she sets foot in the door. Ross' reaction is hysterical:
-->'''Monica:''' ''[enters the apartment with a cup of coffee; Chandler is in his recliner and Ross is on the sofa. Monica absorbs the sight for a few seconds, then...]'' Why is everything different?\\
'''Ross:''' [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Bye!]] ''[jumps up from the sofa and flees the apartment, slamming the door behind him]''
* Fortunately, Monica is genuinely touched by Chandler's gesture, and assures him that he doesn't need to be afraid of her perfectionism. Although we get the payoff of a BrickJoke that shows she still draws the line somewhere:
-->'''Monica:''' First thing's first... ''[runs into the kitchen, grabs the rubber gloves, and starts putting them on]'' Did Ross sit ''anywhere'' while he was naked? ''[Chandler points to a kitchen chair]''

[[AC:608: TOW Ross' Teeth]]
* After the opening credits, the series lampshades its use of the OneHourWorkWeek:
-->'''Rachel:''' But Pheebs, you - you could still use the copy machine where I actually work. But just come by at lunch so that my boss doesn't see you, 'cause Kim will just freak out, and she already doesn't like me very much.\\
'''Chandler:''' That's weird, I don't think my boss likes me either.\\
'''Monica:''' Mmm... I don't think mine likes me either!\\
'''Ross:''' Maybe it's a... universal thing?\\
'''Joey:''' Yeah, or ''maybe'' it's because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday!\\
''[Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Ross absorb this]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Yeah, let's head off to work. ''[Rachel, Monica, and Ross murmur agreement, and all four of them get up and leave]''
* HilarityEnsues when Ross leaves teeth whitener on for a whole day in preparation for a date with Hillary, a chef at Monica's restaurant.
** He shows off his newly-whitened teeth at Central Perk to Monica and Chandler... and doesn't quite get the desired reaction:
--->'''Ross:''' ''[entering Central Perk; Monica and Chandler are on the sofa]'' Hey guys!\\
'''Monica, Chandler:''' Hey.\\
'''Ross:''' What's up? ''[grins to show off his teeth, which are so white they look like chalk; Monica and Chandler are stunned]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[taking a moment to compose himself]'' Y'know. ''[{{Beat}}]'' Oh my God.\\
'''Monica:''' What happened to your teeth!?\\
'''Ross:''' I whitened them! ''[toothy grin]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[deadpan]'' Really?\\
'''Ross:''' Yeah, what- what do you think? ''[toothy grin]''\\
'''Monica:''' I think I shouldn't look directly ''at'' them... ''[turns away]''\\
'''Ross:''' C'mon, seriously. ''[toothy grin]''\\
'''Monica:''' Ross, they're really, really, ''really'' '''white'''!\\
'''Chandler:''' Yeah, what was wrong with your old... human teeth?\\
'''Ross:''' I, I did leave the gel on a ''little'' longer than it said to.\\
'''Monica:''' How much longer?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[sheepishly]'' A, a, a day...\\
'''Monica:''' Ross, you know that tonight is your date with Hillary.\\
'''Ross:''' I ''know'', that's why I did it! C'mon, are they really that bad? ''[toothy grin]''\\
'''Chandler:''' No. No no no, you'll, you'll be fine. ''[to Monica]'' Hillary's blind, right?\\
'''Monica:''' She will be after tonight!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[chuckles]'' Yeah.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[turns to leave just as Rachel enters]'' Oh hey. Hey, Rach. Do you notice anything, ahh-\\
'''Rachel:''' Yeah, your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside.
** So Ross recruits Monica to help him dilute the effect of his teeth. When no colour in his wardrobe draws attention away from them, she suggests he put on some of her makeup; he is understandably reluctant. Then Phoebe shows up with flyers advertising her massage business...
--->'''Phoebe:''' ''[knocking on the door and opening it]'' Hello? ''[sees Ross and Monica on the sofa]'' Oh, good. Ross, could you put up some of these flyers for me?\\
'''Ross:''' Yeah. ''[takes the flyers and smiles at Phoebe]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[covers her mouth in horror and backpedals toward the door]'' NO! DEMON! DEMON!\\
''[Ross wordlessly holds his hand out; Monica gives him her compact]''
** The payoff comes on the date itself as we see Ross' teeth... under a UV light. He looks like he's chewing a lightbulb.
--->'''Hillary:''' Are those your teeth?!\\
'''Ross:''' Oh, it... ''[tries to laugh it off]'' Y-you can see them, huh?\\
'''Hillary:''' Yes, they're insanely white!\\
'''Ross:''' Yeah, I... I did that for you...\\
'''Hillary:''' What's the matter with you!?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[jumping to his feet, indignant]'' What's the matter with ME?! You've got a ''black light!'' It's ''1999!''

[[AC:609: TOW Ross Got High]]
* An extended series of awkward reveals from the episode's climax. Ross reveals that the reason Jack and Judy Geller have been cold to Chandler for a long time is because they nearly caught Ross smoking marijuana when he was home from NYU on spring break, but Ross claimed that Chandler had been smoking in his room and then jumped out of the window (in the uncut version, we learn that, while high, Ross put Jack's records in the microwave and also blamed this on Chandler). As such, Monica has been unable to tell her parents about her relationship with Chandler. Meanwhile, Rachel has prepared a traditional English trifle for dessert but didn't notice that the pages in her magazine were stuck together, leading her to add a layer of minced beef, onions, and peas (crossed over from a recipe for shepherd's pie - Joey actually ''likes'' the result), Phoebe has gone from having erotic dreams about Jack to having erotic dreams about Creator/JacquesCousteau, and Joey is anxious to leave the Thanksgiving festivities to go to a party his roommate Janine and her fellow dancers are throwing. It all comes to a head when Monica loses patience with Ross' attempts to get out of confessing and confesses for him:
-->'''Monica:''' Ross? Let's go.\\
'''Ross:''' Oh, yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter...\\
'''Monica:''' You know what? That's it. You've had your chance. ''[marches over to the back of the sofa on which her parents are sitting]''\\
'''Ross:''' Wh- what-\\
'''Monica:''' Mom, Dad? Ross smoked pot in college.\\
'''Mr. and Mrs. Geller:''' What??\\
'''Ross:''' ''[childishly]'' You are ''such'' a tattletale! ''[walks around to the front of the sofa]'' Mom, Dad? ''[sits on the coffee table]'' You remember that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana?\\
'''Mr. and Mrs. Geller:''' ''[giving Chandler a DeathGlare]'' Yes.\\
'''Ross:''' Well, I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but... it was me. I'm sorry.\\
'''Mrs. Geller:''' It was ''you?''\\
'''Monica:''' Yeah, and Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records, Ross did!\\
'''Mr. Geller:''' ''[to Ross]'' Is that true?\\
'''Monica:''' And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your ''Playboy''s, Ross did! ''[the Gellers give Ross a DisapprovingLook]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[decides to fight fire with fire]'' Yeah, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did! ''[Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe look shocked, while Monica looks outraged]''\\
'''Monica:''' Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a '''year!''' ''[the Gellers gape at Monica in disbelief]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''Monica and Chandler are '''living''' together! [Monica looks horrified, Chandler looks embarrassed, and the Gellers look stunned]''\\
'''Monica:''' ''Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced! '''AGAIN!''''' ''[Ross looks mortified]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[deciding to join in]'' I love Jacques Cousteau! ''[the Gellers look at her in utter confusion]''\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[reading the recipe she was following]'' I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[pounding the table in desperation]'' I WANNA GOOOOOOOOOO!\\
'''Mrs. Geller:''' ''[rubbing her temple]'' ... That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. ''[stands up]'' Alright. Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you ''weren't'' supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did NOT taste good. ''[Rachel looks at Joey as if to say "Why didn't you say anything before!?"]'' Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. ''[Phoebe looks crestfallen]'' And Monica, why you decided to hide such an important relationship from us is beyond me.\\
'''Mr. Geller:''' And we kind of figured about the porch swing.\\
'''Mrs. Geller:''' Ross. Drugs? Divorced, ''again?''\\
'''Mr. Geller:''' What happened, son?\\
'''Ross:''' I...I, uh, I got...tricked into all those things!\\
'''Mrs. Geller:''' Chandler... ''[ushers Ross out of the way as Chandler stands up]'' You've been Ross's best friend all these years, ''[Ross puts his hand on Chandler's shoulder]'' stuck by him during the drug problem, ''[Ross removes his hand, rolls his eyes, and walks off]'' and now you've taken on Monica as well! Well... I don't know what to say. You're a wonderful human being.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[amazed and delighted]'' Thank you!\\
'''Mr. Geller:''' No! Thank ''you! [grabs the sides of Chandler's face, then he and Chandler hug]'' Monica, and Ross, I don't know what I'm gonna do about the two of you! ''[Monica and Ross look sheepish]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[in a parental tone of voice]'' I'll talk to them.

[[AC:610: TOW the Routine]]
* Rachel and Phoebe barge into the apartment while Chandler is home and start searching for Monica's gifts so they can better figure out what to get her. They try to enlist Chandler's help.
-->'''Rachel:''' Aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?\\
'''Chandler:''' No, because I have a great idea for a present for her.\\
'''Phoebe:''' That's it, "a great idea"?\\
'''Rachel:''' Chandler, that's not enough. I mean, what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and then a bunch of little presents, and you've just gotten her one great present? That's gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her, Chandler? Why? Why?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[{{beat}}]'' If I helped, we could find them faster!
* Under the couch, Phoebe finds a bag from Macy's and upends it to find a sneaker with a tag on it. The tag reads, "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
* Two words: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytPjH7ikQZU THE ROUTINE.]] Made even better by Ross and Monica's [[SeriousBusiness serious expressions]] and the ''extremely'' cheesy 90's music playing: "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiSWLKAPpT0 Trouble With Boys]]" by Loreta.
* During the end credits Ross comments that they had to change the last part of the routine as Monica probably couldn't catch him the way she did when they were kids. Monica insists she can and challenges him to try. They both get up and start to do the final moves but as Ross starts to throw himself at Monica she leaps to the side yelping "I CAN'T DO IT!" as Ross crashes to the floor behind her.
-->'''Chandler:''' Now you do ''that'', and you're on TV!

[[AC:613: TOW Rachel's Sister]]
* Everyone is in Monica and Chandler's living room when there's a knock at the door. Everyone turns to look at the door in surprise, then at each other in confusion. Phoebe even points to everyone as if counting to make sure that all six of them are in fact present and they didn't forget anyone.

[[AC:614: TOW Chandler Can't Cry]]
* Joey trying to make Chandler cry by telling a story of a 3-legged puppy.
-->'''Joey:''' What if it looked up at you and said "Help me, Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."\\
'''Chandler:''' Cry? I just found a talking puppy. I'm rich!
* Joey learns that Phoebe (actually Ursula, using Phoebe's name) is a porn star. He and Ross come in with a plastic bag.
-->'''Ross:''' Hey, uh, Phoebe's not here, is she?\\
'''Rachel:''' No.\\
'''Monica:''' Oh, great, did you get a movie?\\
'''Joey:''' Uh... yeah, yeah. But, uh... I don't think it's the kind you're going to like.\\
'''Chandler:''' You didn't get more movies that are going to have us [[DoubleEntendre reaching for the tissues all night]], did you?\\
'''Joey:''' ''[exchanges long look with Ross]'' Sort of.
* Monica pretends she's fine with Chandler not being a crier, and spins sad scenarios trying to get him to cry, ending with:
-->'''Monica:''' Yeah, and if I die... from a long illness, and you're writing out my eulogy, and you open the desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can't shed one tiny tear... I know you'll be crying a river inside.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[still dry-eyed]'' Oh, I love you so--\\
'''Monica:''' [[SuddenlyShouting WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!]]\\
'''Chandler:''' What?\\
'''Monica:''' You can't shed a tear for your dead wife?! Now, I left you a note from the beyond!\\
'''Chandler:''' So you didn't mean any of that?\\
'''Monica:''' No, you robot!

[[AC:615-16: TO That Could Have Been]]
* The speculation in this episode is set in motion by the revelation in TheTeaser that Rachel's ex-fiancé and his wife are getting divorced.
-->'''Rachel:''' Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[looking at Ross]'' What is the matter with you?!\\
'''Phoebe:''' No, Barry and Mindy.\\
'''Joey:''' Oh, sorry. I hear "divorce," I immediately go to Ross.
* Alternate Rachel freaking out when she sees ''Days of our Lives'' star Joey Tribbiani in the coffee shop:
-->'''Monica:''' Rach, he's a friend of ours.\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[stunned]'' You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?\\
'''Chandler:''' Well it's kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he's not real.
* Alternate Phoebe is a chain-smoking, highly-strung stockbroker who ends up in hospital after a downturn in the market that she didn't see coming wipes out $13 million of her clients' investments and gives her a heart attack. Meanwhile, Alternate Ross is only still married to Carol because she has taken longer to discover her own lesbianism. When he visits Phoebe in hospital, she tries to advise him on how to revive his dead-in-the-water love life:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Maybe you need to spice things up a little.\\
'''Ross:''' What-what do you mean?\\
'''Phoebe:''' I don't know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up, you could eat stuff off each other...\\
'''Ross:''' Oh.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Y'know, dirty talk,[[note]] One wonders if Alternate Ross had the same conversation with Alternate Joey about dirty talk seen in "TOW the Stoned Guy" from Season 1.[[/note]] ménage à trois, toys...\\
'''Ross:''' Wow!\\
'''Phoebe:''' Role-playing... you could be the warden, she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate, she could be the wench!\\
'''Ross:''' Okay, I think I got it.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Yeah! Or you, you could be two stockbrokers and you're, you're, you're rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody's watching! ''[Ross gives her a "Wait, WHAT?" look]'' It never happened.
* In an inversion of the usual situation, Alternate ''Joey'' is financially successful, having never been fired from ''Series/DaysOfOurLives'', while Alternate ''Chandler'' is flat broke, having given up his steady job to make it as a writer of funny stories. So Joey offers Chandler a financial lifeline by hiring him as his personal assistant, an arrangement that wears out its welcome with Chandler in no time flat thanks to Joey proving an unreasonable taskmaster (though it does give him the material for a story that is accepted by Creator/ArchieComics). One of the funniest moments comes when Joey visits Phoebe in hospital, having told Chandler to break in a new pair of jeans by wearing them for him:
-->''[Chandler is sitting on a gurney outside Phoebe's room, hands spread out behind him; Monica shows up with a drink and accidentally sits on his left hand, causing his face to contort into a silent scream of agony as he pulls his hand out and shakes it. Monica stifles an embarrassed laugh and pats him on the thigh]''\\
'''Monica:''' Sorry. ''[Chandler shakes his hand again]'' So, how's it going with Joey?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[testily]'' Oh, just great. He beeps me now, with codes: 1 is "Bring me food", 2 is "I'm with a girl, bring us food", 3 is "I'm lost and I can't find food".\\
'''Monica:''' Aw, sweetie. ''[pats him on the shoulder, then...]'' Is there any food around here?\\
'''Joey:''' ''[entering]'' Hey! Is she gonna be all right?\\
'''Monica:''' Yeah. She's in there. ''[points to the door of Phoebe's room]''\\
'''Joey:''' Great. ''[before he heads in, he looks at Chandler and grins]'' Heyyy! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
* Rachel finds out that Monica is still a virgin:
-->'''Rachel:''' Monica? You've done it, right?\\
'''Monica:''' ''(laughs nervously)'' Of course I have. What do you think, I'm like some 30-year-old virgin?\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh, my God! You're a 30-year-old virgin!\\
'''Monica:''' Say it louder! I don't think the guy all the way in the back heard you!\\
'''Guy all the way in the back:''' ''(raising his hand, not even turning around to face them)'' Yeah, I heard it.
* Alternate Monica, Chandler, and Ross learn that Phoebe was fired after the $13 million loss. But as they're already worried about her health, they don't dare tell her - not that some of them aren't tempted thanks to her increasingly hostile attitude toward them:
-->'''Ross:''' ''[privately, to Chandler]'' She doesn't know she was fired yet, does she?\\
'''Chandler:''' No, the doctors say it may kill her.\\
'''Phoebe:''' What are you two girls whispering about over there!?\\
'''Chandler:''' But '''I''' think we should tell her.
* Alternate Chandler and Monica talking about having sex. Their normal selves are awkward enough at these things, but with Monica shyer and fat, and Chandler extra-geeky and even more insecure than usual, it's taken up to eleven. Watch their nervous discussion on whether they have 'moves'... They really don't. Then there's Chandler claiming he's had sex with four different women (rather than just four times ever)... then admitting it was only three... and then downgrading it to two... and in the final scene, after she agrees to his suggestion that she should be with him by giving him a BigDamnKiss...
-->'''Monica:''' There was just one woman, wasn't there?\\
'''Chandler:''' No, there were two.\\
'''Monica:''' Including me?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''Oh'' yeah! ''[they kiss again]''

[[AC:617: TOW the Unagi]]
* TheTeaser opens by lampshading one of the early series' more questionable comic elements:
-->'''Ross:''' Hey, remember when I had a monkey?\\
'''Chandler:''' Yeah?\\
'''Ross:''' Yeah, what was I thinking?
* The moment when Chandler gives Monica a late Valentine's present of a mix tape he randomly found and doesn't even know the contents of, you know it's going to backfire for him somehow. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeXZyr7Fz7E And boy does it ever!]]
-->'''Janice:''' ''[on the mix tape, following Music/EltonJohn's "The Way You Look Tonight"]'' I love the way you look '''every''' night, Chandler! That's why I made you this tape! Happy birthday! Love, Janice!
* Rachel and Phoebe decide to give Ross a taste of his own medicine after he tries using his "Unagi" awareness technique on them. They jump out at him from behind the drapes and Ross ScreamsLikeALittleGirl.
-->'''Rachel:''' Ah... Salmon skin roll.
* Ross' EpicFail at hiding from Rachel and Phoebe so that he can get attack them again. They see the top of his head peeking out from behind the couch.
* Ross using his "Unagi" jumpscare on two ''completely unknown girls'' at the end. Okay, just imagine a random 30+ year old man pouncing at you out of nowhere on the street and screaming "DANGER!!!"
** Phoebe, who is watching the scene from Central Perk, suggests going over to help the two women...and then Rachel, who is also observing the commotion, says they don't ''need'' it. Two seconds later, a shrieking Ross runs past the coffeehouse with the chicks hot on his tail.

[[AC:619: TOW Joey's Fridge]]
* Ross introduces his 20-year-old girlfriend Elizabeth to the rest of the gang at Central Perk; inevitably, they can't resist kidding him about dating someone over ten years his junior once she has departed:
-->'''Chandler:''' So why is she leaving, is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[deadpan]'' Yes. Her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[with a forced smile]'' Oh. Well, tell her good luck with that.\\
'''Ross:''' Anyone else? Huh? Bring 'em on... ''[sits on the arm of the sofa]''\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh! When's her birthday?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[à la the straight man in a comic double act]'' I don't know, Rachel! Why?\\
'''Rachel:''' Well - y'know, it's just been so long since I've been to Chuck E. Cheese... ''[the others laugh, Ross sarcastically]''\\
'''Monica:''' I like Elizabeth.\\
'''Ross:''' Well, thanks!\\
'''Monica:''' Yeah... in fact, I like her so much, you tell her I want my cookies early this year! ''[Phoebe laughs]'' Y'know, a box of Thin Mints and some Tagalongs!
* Phoebe, Monica and Chandler are competing to get Rachel a date for a charity ball her work is throwing. When trying to settle which guy they've chosen is better:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Have you seen your guy's body?\\
'''Chandler:''' No, our guy is just a floating head.
* Joey discussing his broken fridge:
-->'''Joey:''' Look, okay. Suppose we were a divorced couple.\\
'''Chandler:''' Uh-huh.\\
'''Joey:''' And I got custody of the kid. Right. And suppose the kid... dies... and, and I gotta buy a new kid.\\
'''Chandler:''' ... Okay...?\\
'''Joey:''' ''({{beat}})'' GIMME FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!
* And later on when Ross is talking about how to tell Elizabeth he doesn't want to go to a Spring Break trip with her, [[EpicFail Joey childishly tries to pin the breaking of his fridge on Ross:]]
-->'''Joey:''' Or, you could just, y'know...''[pushes Ross not-so-subtly into his fridge]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[{{beat}}]'' What the hell are you doing...?!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[feigning outrage]'' What the hell am ''I'' doing?! ''You just broke my fridge!!''\\
'''Ross:''' ''What?'' Wha-How do you know it's-how do you know it's even broken?!\\
'''Joey:''' Oh, you think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me - ''[quickly checks his fridge]'' Ohhh, whaddya know! ''Broken!'' That'll be four hundred dollars.\\
'''Chandler:''' Joey, I ''saw you push him!''\\
''[{{beat}}]''\\
'''Joey:''' ''[[NoYou You]]'' [[NoYou pushed him!]]\\
'''Ross:''' Joey, I did not break this! Okay, ''[opens the freezer and recoils from the smell]'' '''that''' has been broken for a while.\\
'''Joey:''' All right. Chandler, do you remember how I told you about our fridge?\\
'''Chandler:''' Uh-huh.\\
'''Joey:''' I still haven't gotten a check for your half yet.\\
'''Ross:''' Do not give him any money!\\
'''Joey:''' I'm not talking to you! You broke my fridge!

[[AC:621: TOW Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad]]
* Ross' efforts at impressing [[Creator/BruceWillis Elizabeth's father]] totally failing.
-->'''Paul:''' It's just I didn't know you were married.\\
'''Rachel:''' ''[comes back from the bathroom]'' Oh, we were but it was just this big drunken mistake.\\
'''Paul:''' You two were married?!\\
'''Rachel:''' [[DiggingYourselfDeeper I'm sorry, I guess you were talking about Emily.]] ''[Ross FaceFault[=s=]]''

[[AC:622: TOW Paul's the Man]]
* Rachel's boyfriend Paul dancing in front of a mirror. "I'm just a love machine. YEAH BABY, HUUUUUUUAAAA!" And yeah, Paul is played by ''Creator/BruceWillis!'' Best part? Ross is [[RightBehindMe listening to it all under the bed...]] Even better since Ross [[IronicEcho repeats it later]] to Paul, using it as blackmail so he can continue dating Elizabeth.
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Season 7]]
[[AC:701: TOW Monica's Thunder]]
* Chandler wants sex advice:
-->'''Chandler''': Joe? Um... you've had a lot of sex, right?
-->'''Joey:''' '''[confused]'' When, today? ''[shrugs]'' Some... not a lot.

[[AC:703: TOW Phoebe's Cookies]]
* While Monica tries to work out the cookie recipe Phoebe muses about how happy her late grandmother must be that they're putting so much effort into this.
-->'''Phoebe:''' I'll bet she's looking up at us and smiling right now.\\
'''Ross:''' Looking ''up''?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh yeah -- no, she was really nice to me, [[BitchInSheepsClothing but she's in hell for sure]].
* Shortly after this Monica realises that the "recipe" was actually just Nestle Tollhouse cookies and there's been a pack of them sitting in the kitchen the whole time. Monica tosses the package to Phoebe who agrees that that's the recipe and they've wasted two days.
-->'''Phoebe:''' See, it is stuff like this which is why you're ''[looks down at the floor]'' [[SuddenlyShouting BURNING IN HELL!]]
* When Rachel gets enough of Joey's slackery regarding his boat:
->'''Rachel''': Greens do not quit!\\
'''Joey''': Greens? I'm a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!\\
'''Rachel''': [[MyGodWhatHaveIDone Oh my God, wait did I—I just said Greens don't quit didn't I?]] (...) Oh God Joey, oh I'm my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I've been trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see this coming.
** Which in turn leads to in TheTag...
--->'''Joey:''' Careful! You're wasting good pastrami! (Gasps.) Oh my God! I'm my dad!

[[AC:704: TOW Rachel's Assistant]]
* After Monica baits Chandler into telling her that Ross had an unfortunate incident on Space Mountain at Disneyland after an ill-advised binge at a "taco stand" (a guy with a hibachi operating out of the back of his car), Ross retaliates with the following story of a trip to Atlantic City:
-->'''Ross:''' Well, Chandler and I were at a bar...\\
'''Chandler:''' Did you not hear me say "DU-UDE"?!\\
'''Ross:''' And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he goes over to her and after a minute or two I see them kissing... And I know what you're thinking: Chandler's ''not'' the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with ''girls''...\\
'''Monica:''' YOU KISSED A GUY?!?!\\
'''Chandler:''' In my defense, it was dark, and he was a ''very pretty guy!''
* And so the gloves are off and Chandler and Ross reveal embarrassing secrets about each other from their years at NYU:
-->'''Ross:''' Chandler entered a Music/VanillaIce look-alike contest and won!\\
'''Chandler:''' Ross came in fourth and ''cried!''

[[AC:706: TOW the Nap Partners]]
* The episode's A plot sees Ross and Joey becoming "nap partners", meaning they are only able to take restful naps when snuggled up together. In TheTag, they wake up to find Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica all standing in a row, staring at them with varying amounts of amusement and confusion. Neither Ross nor Joey feel like explaining themselves...
-->'''Joey:''' ''[jumps off the sofa, feigning disgust]'' What the hell are you doing!? God! ''[stomps off to his bedroom]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[gets up much more slowly, then gives the other four an embarrassed look]'' Excuse me... ''[leaves]''

[[AC: 707: TOW With Ross' Library Book]]
* After Ross and Chandler catch two students ''in flagrante'' at the library:
-->'''Chandler:''' You didn't bring me here to do that, did you?
* Monica is cooking at the diner when she's told a customer has a complaint and urges her to come on in. Monica is just putting a lobster into a pot when she hears...
-->'''Janice:''' [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Oh. My. GOD!]]\\
'''Monica:''' ''[to lobster]'' Lucky bastard.
* Janice hangs around dinner and drives the two nuts so Monica says that Chandler still has feelings for her. Janice leaves but says she'll be there when Chandler and Monica split up.
-->'''Chandler:''' Our kids are going to call her Aunt Janice, aren't they?

[[AC:709: TOW All the Candy]]
* Ross' "The bike is dying speech" especially the end when the seemingly unfazed Phoebe pleads for her bike not to die after Ross leaves.
* Joey participating in the mob demanding candy from Monica: "YEAH, LADY, GIVE US CANDY!"
** Chandler shames the group for ruining what was supposed to be a neighborly gesture. His face when he repeats "Candy Lady" is priceless.
--->'''Chandler:''' And I'll bet that not one of you can tell me her name. Am I right?\\
'''Man:''' ''[beat]'' Candy lady?\\
'''Chandler:''' No, not "Candy Lady"!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[shoving the earlier man aside, knocking him to the floor]'' If we know it, can we have candy?!\\
'''Chandler:''' All right, you know what? Forget it! All of you, forget it. You've ruined it. Go home. You ruined it. You've ruined it.\\
'''Joey:''' ''[making his way to the door, as everyone leaves]'' [[NeverMyFault Go on, you guys ruined everything! You ruined it!]]
** With the crowd having been forcibly dispersed, Monica tells Chandler that someone slipped a threatening note under her door.
--->'''Joey:''' ''[through a mouthful of candy]'' Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever.

[[AC:710: TOW the Holiday Armadillo]]
* Ross had to buy an armadillo costume because there were no Christmas costumes left at the store (in order to teach his son Ben about Hanukkah). Chandler then shows up dressed like Santa Claus:
-->'''Ross:''' ''[dressed as the Holiday Armadillo]'' What are you doing here, Santa?\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[dressed as Santa]'' Why I'm here to visit my old buddy Ben! What are ''you'' doing here? ... weird... turtle man?\\
'''Monica:''' Ben, why don't you come over here and open some more presents while [[ItMakesSenseInContext Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen.]] [[ARareSentence There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.]]
* When Chandler prepares to return the Santa outfit:
-->'''Monica:''' Hey. You think you can keep it another night? [''MeaningfulLook'']\\
'''Chandler:''' Santa? ''[[HeadTiltinglyKinky Really?]]''\\
'''Monica:''' Yeah, is that okay?\\
'''Chandler:''' Did your... ''dad'' ever dress up as Santa?\\
'''Monica:''' ''No.''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[in his Santa voice]'' Then it's ''oh-kaaay''!
* Chandler's attempt to explain to Ben why Santa has to leave: "Because if Santa and the Holiday Armadillo stay in the same room for too long, the universe will implode. ''[beat]'' Merry Christmas!"
* "My favorite part was when Franchise/{{Superman}} flew all the Jews out of Egypt!" The smug look and nod on Joey's face here just ''makes it.''
-->'''Ross:''' The Armadillo was actually ''not so thrilled'' about that part!
* When Rachel and Phoebe come in, and find the lights dimmed and Ross, Chandler and Joey all dressed in costumes:
-->'''Rachel:''' Wow. It looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here.\\
''[...]''\\
'''Phoebe:''' Okay, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a ''porcupine'' at the Easter Bunny's funeral?

[[AC:711: TOW All the Cheesecakes]]
* A rare Chandler/Rachel subplot features them constantly swiping their neighbor's cheesecake and eating it for themselves, falling so in love with the taste that they eat it off of the floor after dropping it in the hallway. And when they're on the floor, Joey walks in on them. He stares down at them, before crouching to their level... while taking out a fork of his own and asking what they're having.
* In the Ross/Monica subplot, Ross has been invited to their cousin Frannie's wedding reception, but Monica hasn't, even though, as she repeatedly insists, she and Frannie were "inseparable" from the ages of 7-9. So she forces Ross to take her along as his "plus one", and decides to ambush Frannie to demand an explanation as to what she could possibly have done to be excluded from the guest list. Then she meets Frannie's new husband...
-->'''Monica:''' Stuart!\\
'''Frannie:''' I believe you know my husband.\\
''[Monica is left speechless, but her reaction makes it clear that Stuart is her ex]''\\
'''Ross:''' So it's really a question of ''who'' you could possibly have done.

[[AC:712: TOW They're Up All Night]]
* "''Film/DeepImpact'' is the one with Robert Duvall. ''Film/{{Armageddon|1998}} is what will happen if you don't let me sleep."
* Ross and Joey going down the fire escape, with the latter's crotch getting uncomfortably close to the the former's face.
* Phoebe's fire alarm keeps going off, so she tries to shut it off but then it breaks, turning into a non-stop beep. She then puts it in a gym bag and throws it out, only for it to be returned by a cop because the gym bag had her name on it.

[[AC:713: TOW Rosita Dies]]
* Monica's things from her childhood get ruined because her dad puts her boxes in front of his Porsche to divert water when the garage flooded. Feeling guilty and wanting to make up for making Monica think that she was TheUnfavorite, he gives her the Porsche. Ross's reaction makes the scene more than just a SugarWiki/{{Heartwarming Moment|s}}.
-->'''Monica:''' ''What?''\\
'''Ross:''' '''''[[BigWhat WHAT?!!]]'''''\\
''[...]''\\
'''Ross:''' Whoa, w-w-wait-wait a minute! I mean a couple of ''stupid boxes'' get wet and she gets a ''PORSCHE?!''\\
'''Jack:''' Why don't we take it for a spin?\\
'''Monica:''' Alright!\\
'''Ross:''' Wh-what about me?! I'M A MEDICAL MARVEL!
* Phoebe gets a job as a telemarketer and the first person she calls (Earl, played by Creator/JasonAlexander) reveals he's contemplating suicide.
** Without giving his name, Earl explains he's stuck in a meaningless office and that none of his co-workers know he exists.
--->'''Phoebe:''' Chandler?
** Earl proves his point that no one cares about him by publicly announcing his intention to kill himself and not a single person in the crowded office batting an eye.
** Earl is about to hang up. Phoebe screams: "I'm not finished yet! Don't you dare hang up on me!" Her boss passes by and notes approvingly: "The new girl's good!"
** Phoebe manages to track down where Earl works and gets into his office. When she asks a staffer for him, the person has no idea who she's talking about.
--->'''Earl:''' ''[a few desks away]'' I'M RIGHT HERE!

[[AC:714: TOW They All Turn Thirty]]
* The main plot involves Rachel, the youngest of the main six, turning 30.[[note]] In reality, Matthew Perry is the youngest of the group; he is six months younger than Jennifer Aniston.[[/note]] She isn't taking it well, and refuses to face her friends before Tag lays down the ground rules; one of the things they shouldn't say is "They still look pretty damn good", and Joey replies "They do!".
* The extremely inappropriate card Chandler gives her doesn't help Rachel's mood.
** The message inside is bad enough...
--->"Happy birthday, Grandma. It's better to be over the hill than buried under it."
** ... but the capper is Monica's exasperated reaction:
--->'''Monica:''' All you had to do was ''buy the card.''
* Other funny moments from Rachel's birthday include Tag and Joey fighting over a scooter, as seen when Tag tries to flee on it after overhearing Rachel say she should already be with the person she is going to marry and Joey running after him shouting at him to stop hogging it.
* The episode also features flashbacks to the other characters' 30th birthdays.
** We start with short scenes from first Joey, then Chandler turning 30. At both of their parties, Joey is crying hysterically about the "deals" he made with God to prevent him and the gang from aging not working.
** Monica's 30th birthday gets a longer flashback:
*** The gang are throwing a formal, lavishly catered surprise party - with Jack and Judy Geller among the guests - only to find that Monica was taken out for drinks by the busboys at her restaurant and has returned home so blitz drunk she can barely stand. As her parents have never seen her drunk, they have to conceal her state from them as best they can. Phoebe (who loves "drunk Monica", finding her much more fun than "regular Monica") offers to divert the guests' attention by getting twice as drunk (which doesn't thrill Chandler, as "drunk Phoebe" is mean), while Chandler has to recruit Rachel to help Monica change into her party dress:
---->'''Rachel:''' What's going on?\\
'''Chandler:''' Monica's wasted.\\
'''Ross:''' ''[bored]'' Maybe that'll liven up this party.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[to Rachel]'' Okay, will you just go help her get changed, please?\\
'''Rachel:''' Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey... ''[heads to Monica's room]''\\
'''Joey:''' Yep. ''[starts walking toward Monica's room, but runs into Chandler's outstretched arm]''
*** When Monica staggers out of her bedroom in her formal dress (Rachel describes it as like watching WesternAnimation/{{Bambi}} learning to walk), Phoebe's idea of distracting the other guests turns out to be clinking her glass and shouting "Speech!" - after all, everyone is looking at her instead of Monica, and, as she proudly tells Chandler, she didn't even have to remove her top. The spotlight (and Jack Geller's camcorder) now on Monica, she drops the charade and gleefully tells her parents "[their] little Harmonica is hammered!" - and not for the first time - and that she has also smoked a cigarette and is hiding a box of Ding-Dongs in her underwear drawer, but it's all right because she is now a grown-up and can do as she pleases - which at that moment apparently involves falling to the floor in a drunken stupor. All while Ross films the whole thing (having taken the camcorder from his shocked father). Phoebe then decides to go to her emergency backup diversion (even though there is no longer a secret from which to divert attention):
---->'''Phoebe:''' ''[gesturing to the neck strap on her dress]'' Quick, help me get this off!\\
'''Joey:''' ''[eagerly]'' Yeah! ''[starts untying the strap; Ross points the camcorder at them]''
** Phoebe's 30th birthday also gets a longer flashback as she tries to make up with Ursula, only to discover from Ursula's birth certificate (her own having been sold to a Swedish runaway) that her 30th birthday was a year ago; the Buffay sisters are actually 31.[[note]] In reality, Lisa Kudrow is the oldest of the main cast, having been born in 1963 compared to 1964 for Courteney Cox, 1966 for David Schwimmer, 1967 for Matt [=LeBlanc=], and 1969 for Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry.[[/note]] She ruefully tells Joey that this means there are things she wanted to do before turning 31 but now hasn't, such as having the perfect kiss, meeting Portuguese people, and [[BreadEggsMilkSquick going to sniper school.]]
** Ross has a midlife crisis on his 30th birthday and buys a vintage MG sports car - except he can't get it out of its parking spot because it's cornered front and rear. So he gets the gang to "Lift... and slide". It works about as well as you'd expect.

[[AC:715: TOW Joey's New Brain]]
* Chandler and Monica's mortification when they hear [[DreadfulMusician Ross practicing his bagpipes]] across the street to give tribute to Chandler's Scottish roots during their wedding:
-->'''Monica:''' Why is your family Scottish?!
-->'''Chandler:''' Why is ''your'' family ''Ross''?!
* When Chandler and Monica tell Ross that they could hear his bagpipe playing all the way from their apartment:
-->'''Ross:''' Were you the ones who called the cops?\\
'''Chandler:''' [[ChangingTheUncomfortableSubject That's not really important right now.]] What's important is while we appreciate the gesture, we just don't feel that bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.\\
'''Ross:''' Why not?\\
'''Chandler:''' [[BrutalHonesty Because we hate them.]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQicfUjVVqU Phoebe singing along]] as Ross plays the bagpipes. Her lyric is basically "EEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEE! EEEE! EEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" [[{{Corpsing}} Jennifer Aniston is trying her hardest not to laugh during that scene]]. Even funnier in the outtake, where she and the others can't stop laughing. In fact, if you look at the scene, Lisa Kudrow just can't seem to keep a straight face while "singing", either.
* Joey's soon-to-be ''Series/DaysOfOurLives'' ex-castmate, Cecilia Monroe (Creator/SusanSarandon), is apparently very famous for slapping people in the face, to the point where Monica (who's a huge fan of her character) asks her to do it to her when they meet. She even tries to provoke her, then stick out the part of her face she wants to get slapped; Cecilia isn't fooled for a moment.
-->'''Monica:''' Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face? ''[points to her cheek]''\\
'''Cecilia:''' I'd love to, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore.\\
[...]\\
'''Monica:''' ''[breaking away from Joey's attempt to bundle her and Rachel out of the apartment]'' Oh, wait, just one more thing! One more minute! ''[to Cecilia]'' Um, you're a stupid bitch! ''[stands with her face stuck out in prime slapping position]''\\
'''Cecilia:''' I really can't slap you. ''[Monica storms off]''

[[AC:716: TOW the Truth About London]]
* Monica and Chandler, hoping to guide Joey away from the terrible speech he's writing, suggest telling stories about them.
-->'''Joey:''' Ooh! Ooh! Uh... okay! Maybe I'll talk about London, you know, when you two hooked up, only... only I won't say "hooked up." I'll say, "began their beautiful journey..."\\
'''Monica:''' There you go.\\
'''Joey:''' "... by doing it."
* Hypothesizing what would have happened if Joey and Monica had hooked up.
-->'''Monica:''' Honey? Dinner's ready!\\
''[A massively overweight Joey waddles onto the screen]''\\
'''Joey:''' What's my little chef got for me, tonight?\\
'''Monica:''' Your favorite!\\
'''Joey:''' Hoo Hoo Hoo! Fried stuff with cheese!
* Rachel's awkward attempt at babysitting Ben includes this gem.
-->'''Rachel:''' I was actually your daddy's girlfriend.\\
'''Ben:''' But you're not anymore.\\
'''Rachel:''' No, I'm not.\\
'''Ben:''' 'Cause you guys were on a break.\\
'''Rachel:''' [[BerserkButton Hey, we were not on a--!]] ''[catches herself]''

[[AC:717: TOW the Cheap Wedding Dress]]
* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUMHDW3xG0M scene]] where Rachel and Phoebe help Monica shop for her wedding dress during a sale.
* Ross tries to derail Joey as they compete for the attention of the same girl with a ContinuityNod:
-->'''Ross:''' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQFFyKthv_s Were you on a]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iULTDFlcorI poster for gonorrhea?]]

[[AC:718: TOW Joey's Award]]
* Ross [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWGXwbeE4qU imitating a velociraptor]] when a student asks how the "high-pitched intimidating noise" the raptor used to scare its prey might have sounded.
* Joey during the award show, especially his reaction when he missed the award and his presentation on stage.

[[AC:720: TOW Rachel's Big Kiss]]
* Rachel's old college friend revealing then denying her love for Rachel.
-->'''Melissa:''' I'm obviously kidding. I'm not in love with you. I'm not in love with her. I don't hear coconuts banging together. You know, [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial I don't... picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend.]]
* During her denial stage:
-->'''Melissa:''' Maybe you did stuff to me while I was sleeping?
* Ross and Chandler are bickering about the celebrity tuxes they borrowed from Rachel's job at Ralph Lauren.
** Chandler is wearing Pierce Brosnan's tux from a James Bond premiere while Ross goes with Val Kilmer's tux from what he believes is the ''Film/BatmanForever'' premiere, which Chandler believes is Ross stealing his thunder.
--->'''Chandler:''' Please don't take away my cool thing, pretty please?!\\
'''Ross''': 'Pretty please'? Not very 007!\\
'''Chandler:''' Look, it's my wedding day, ok? If you were getting married, I would never do anything to upset you!\\
'''Ross:''' When I got married, you slept with my sister.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[proudly]'' Now THAT was pretty 007!
** So Chandler goes home to complain to Monica:
--->'''Chandler:''' ''[entering the apartment to see Monica on the couch]'' Ross is Batman!\\
'''Monica:''' Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.
** Then they find out Ross's tux was actually Val Kilmer's tux from the premiere of the romantic drama ''At First Sight'', where Kilmer plays a blind man who falls in love and gets an operation to repair his sight:
--->'''Chandler:''' Val Kilmer didn't wear this in ''Batman''! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy!\\
'''Ross:''' Let me see that! ''[grabs the premiere invitation Chandler found in the pocket]'' Oh, ''man!''\\
'''Chandler:''' The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell!
** Unfortunately for Chandler, his tux doesn't fit properly (Monica says the trousers were so tight, she could see "double-oh ''and'' seven" when he wore them), so he has to exchange it. After going through nearly two dozen tuxes, he finally finds one that fits, but his happiness is short-lived when Rachel admits that it was previously worn by... Creator/DianeKeaton.

[[AC:722: TOW Chandler's Dad]]
* When Kathleen Turner first appears as Chandler's dad:
-->'''Monica:''' ''[shocked that Chandler's dad looks like an attractive woman]'' That can't be your father.\\
'''Chandler:''' Believe me, I've been saying that for years.
* Which made [[Film/WhoFramedRogerRabbit Jessica Rabbit]] appearing on Chandler's list (of women he's allowed to sleep with) a couple of seasons earlier [[HilariousInHindsight absolutely HYSTERICAL in hindsight.]][[note]] Kathleen Turner provided Jessica Rabbit's voice in the movie. [[/note]]
* When Chandler's dad ends his show bringing in dancers to sing "It's Raining Men", an ashamed Chandler notes he used to be a part of the number.

[[AC:723-24: TOW Chandler and Monica's Wedding]]
* Chandler's parents insulting each other at the rehearsal dinner. His dad tells his mom (who is wearing a ''very'' low-cut dress and bulging out of it) that she's too old to be dressed like that. His mom tells his dad (who is wearing a plunging v-neck blouse and a skirt) that he has too much penis to be dressed like that.
* The whole spitting gag, especially the whole moment between "Vincent" (Richard Crosby) and "Tony" (Joey Tribbiani).
* Rachel never met Chandler's dad, who is a Drag Queen, and mistakes a woman for him:
-->'''Rachel:''' Hi! I'm Rachel! I'm a friend of Monica and Chandler's!\\
'''Amanda:''' I'm Amanda.\\
'''Rachel:''' Oh I get it! A man, duh!
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Season 8]]
[[AC:801: TO After I Do]]
* Rachel silently pleads with Phoebe not to tell anyone that she's pregnant, so Phoebe tells them that ''she'' is. Lisa Kudrow's delivery of this line sells it:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Yes. ''[beat]'' I am with child.
** While Monica is getting mad at her for spreading a false rumor she was pregnant (she genuinely thought she was and Rachel let her think that to not shy away from finding Chandler) the photographer is still taking pictures. Monica finally loses her patience and says "Does this look like a moment I want to remember?"

[[AC:802: TOW the Red Sweater]]
* Joey proposing to Phoebe who he believes is pregnant.
-->'''Monica:''' Phoebe, I think he would notice when you didn't have a baby in nine months.\\
'''Phoebe:''' It's Joey! ''(mouths "I love you" to Joey and he smiles)''
* After Joey is told that Rachel, not Phoebe, is pregnant, he reveals to Monica and Phoebe that a month earlier, an unidentified man spent the night with Rachel and left a red sweater behind; Phoebe recognises it as a sweater Rachel's ex-boyfriend Tag used to wear and invites him to Central Park to reveal the truth, only for him to reveal that he is wearing his red sweater. Then Ross and Chandler show up after having mistakenly believed they lost the disposable cameras from Chandler and Monica's wedding and taken photos of themselves at another wedding, and as Ross turns to leave... well, the best part of what follows is Joey's massively DelayedReaction.
-->'''Ross:''' [[WhamLine Hey, my sweater!]] ''[picks up the red sweater; the studio audience cheers]'' I've been looking for this for like a month! ''[leaves]''\\
'''Monica, Phoebe:''' ''Oh my God!''\\
''[very long pause as Joey smiles and nods... and ''finally'' gets a shocked look on his face]''\\
'''Joey:''' OH MY GOD!

[[AC:803: TOW Rachel Tells Ross]]
* Rachel telling Ross that's she's pregnant results in StunnedSilence.
-->'''Rachel''': Ross. ''[no answer]'' Ross? ''[{{beat}}]'' Okay, whenever you're ready. ''[leans back and opens a magazine]''\\
''The show goes to commercial, and comes back to find him still staring openmouthed and Rachel finishing the magazine''
* Ross reveals Rachel is pregnant despite a condom:
-->'''Ross:''' I just found out that condoms are only, like, 97% effective.\\
'''Joey:''' [[FlatWhat What.]]\\
'''Ross:''' I gotta go find her. [''starts to leave'']\\
'''Joey:''' Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they don’t even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!\\
'''Ross:''' Evidently they do.\\
'''Joey:''' WHAT?! [''grabs a'' huge ''roll of condoms from his pocket to look''] Well I'll be...

[[AC:804: TOW the Videotape]]
* Rachel shows a video purportedly of Ross begging her to get it on on the night she got pregnant, only to be humiliated when the video proves that ''she'' was the one who came on to ''him'' - and that everyone knows about her technique involving 'the hike on her vacation in Europe', and that Joey started it.
-->'''Rachel''': I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy!\\
'''Joey''': ''[raises hand]'' Some guy! ''[points to self]''\\
'''Rachel''': No, no, she said his name was Ken Adams!\\
'''Joey''': ''[raises hand and points to himself again]'' Ken Adams!

[[AC:806: TOW the Halloween Party]]
* Ross, dressed as "Spud-nik", being mistaken as "Doodie" by Joey during the Season 8 Halloween episode. All the better because Joey ticks him off so much that Ross actually waddles over to beat Joey up (only being stopped when Chandler holds him back).
-->'''Joey''': What's Sputnik, Doodie-man?

[[AC:808: TOW the Stripper]]
* Monica accidentally hires a hooker instead of a stripper for Chandler's (belated) bachelor party. Meanwhile, Rachel's father finds out that Ross got Rachel pregnant, and goes to confront him when he's with his new girlfriend, Mona:
-->'''Dr. Green:''' You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! I’m gonna kill you!\\
'''Ross:''' Y’know this is actually not a great time for me.\\
''[cut to commercial; cut back from commercial]''\\
'''Dr. Green:''' So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant!\\
'''Mona:''' You got Rachel pregnant?!\\
'''Ross:''' Who did?!\\
'''Dr. Green:''' You did!\\
'''Ross:''' Yes. Yes, yes I did. ''(To Mona)'' But-but it was, it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing.\\
'''Dr. Green:''' Oh? Really? That’s what my daughter means to you? Nothing?\\
'''Ross:''' No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I care—I-I love Rachel.\\
'''Mona:''' What?!\\
'''Ross:''' ''(to Mona)'' Oh but not that way. I mean... I mean I'm not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend.\\
'''Dr. Green:''' Oh really? That’s how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?\\
'''Ross:''' ''(to Dr. Green)'' Hey! I offered to marry her!\\
'''Mona:''' Wha...\\
'''Ross:''' ''(To Mona)'' But I didn’t ''want'' to.\\
'''Dr. Green:''' Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?!\\
'''Mona:''' Tramp?!\\
'''Ross:''' I'm sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
* The scene cuts to Chandler and Joey who don't know what to do about the hooker, than back to Ross:
-->'''Mona:''' How could you have kept all of this from me?\\
'''Ross:''' I was going to tell you, but...\\
'''Dr. Green:''' But what?! You figured you’d get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel!\\
'''Ross:''' Hey! I did not dump Rachel! ''(To Mona)'' Nor are we still together. ''(The phone rings and Ross goes to answer it, only he's trapped behind the apothecary table by Dr. Green)'' Can I just... ''(Dr. Green glares at him)'' Why don't we just let the machine get that?\\
'''Joey:''' ''(on machine)'' Hey Ross. It's Joey. There's a hooker over here and we thought maybe you'd know something about it.\\
''(Mona and Dr. Green just stare at Ross)''\\
'''Ross:''' ''(horrifed)'' No! ''No!'' NO! ''NO!'' NO! I-I-I-I—I need to, I need to lie down.

[[AC:809: TOW the Rumor]]
* Both the title rumor and all related implications.
-->'''Monica:''' You started that?!\\
'''Rachel:''' What?! You heard that?!\\
'''Monica:''' Everyone at our school heard it!\\
'''Chandler:''' Everybody at ''my'' school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?!
* The gang finding out about Ross' affair with his elderly high school librarian.
-->'''Ross:''' The eyes... did still sparkle...
* Rachel reading the note left in her yearbook
-->'''Rachel''': "Dear Rachel you are such a great person", not girl, ''person''\\
'''Ross:''' Rachel, I think you're reading a little too much into it.\\
'''Rachel:''' Dear Rachel you're such a great person, sorry about your teeny weenie.\\
(Will cracks up)
* Joey arriving with elastic pants (where it's clear that Creator/BradPitt is [[{{Corpsing}} cracking up]]).

[[AC:810: TOW Monica's Boots]]
* Phoebe discovers that [[Music/ThePolice Sting]] and Trudie Styler's son Jack is a classmate of Ross' son Ben. As she wants tickets to Sting's sold out concert, she tries to get Ross to use this connection to get tickets, but it emerges that Jack made fun of Ben for having lesbian parents. So Phoebe goes to the school and fools their teacher into thinking she's Susan (she had already met Carol), gets Jack's parents' contact information, and arranges a meeting at their apartment, helping herself to a pen and checking the books in a bookcase in the hope of triggering a secret passageway while she waits.[[note]] It is sometimes claimed that Sting was scheduled to appear but had to bow out, but Sting denies this as he was on tour at the time and wouldn't have been available anyway. Trudie Styler later joked that Lisa Kudrow never did return the pen![[/note]] But Phoebe being Phoebe, it isn't long before the charade collapses...
-->'''Phoebe:''' Um, I'm sorry, won't- won't Jack's father be joining us?\\
'''Trudie:''' No.\\
'''Phoebe:''' I see. Yeah - you see, I think it will be better for the children, y'know, if all the parents were here. Y'know. Except for, y'know, Ben's birth mother and father.\\
'''Trudie:''' Oh, I'm sorry, Jack's father is not available.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Mm-hmm... okay. Well, then could we re-schedule? For, say, Friday night perhaps, at 8:00?\\
'''Trudie:''' Oh, no, I know that wouldn't work, my husband's in concert.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Concert! Yeah... that does put us in... quite a pickle. Because, y'see, I'm very busy ''before'' and ''after'' the concert, and he's obviously busy during!\\
'''Trudie:''' So... I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Unless!... unless, um... okay, I, I would be willing to go to the concert... um, all the while thinking about the children, of course.\\
'''Trudie:''' ''[outraged]'' Are you here for tickets!?\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[missing the darkening of Trudie's tone]'' Oh, thank you! Four would be great.\\
'''Trudie:''' I'm not giving concert tickets to someone who'd... use their ''son'' like this!\\
'''Phoebe:''' [[DiggingYourselfDeeper Oh! The-then, you're in luck, Ben's not my son!]]\\
'''Trudie:''' ''[jumping to her feet and pressing a button under the end table]'' Look. I've just pressed a button, triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here!\\
'''Phoebe:''' Music/ThePolice, ''here??'' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint A reunion?]] ''[digs her camera out of her handbag]''
* Chandler, as per usual, has some great zingers in this episode, but the scene where he's giving Monica a piggyback ride (her new boots having been so painful to wear that she can't walk after an evening of dancing at Chandler's office holiday party) takes the cake.
-->'''Monica:''' Oh, wait! Stop, stop, stop!\\
'''Chandler:''' [[SarcasmMode Oh, I'm sorry! Do you need a break?]]\\
'''Monica:''' My boots in tan! Hey, can you get a little closer so I can see the price?\\
'''Chandler:''' I can see it from right here. It'll cost you one husband.\\
'''Monica:''' Okay, I’m sorry. I think I can walk the rest of the way now. Just-Just give me my boots.\\
'''Chandler:''' ...I don't have your boots.\\
'''Monica:''' [[OhCrap Well, I don't have them either. Where are they?]]\\
'''Chandler:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Well, why don't you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay?!]]
* When Monica notices that the tan boots are half-off, Chandler just starts ''running'' home with Monica still on his back.
* In TheTag, Ross reveals to Phoebe that he was able to get two tickets to Sting's concert after all, and we learn that Phoebe's ill-advised meeting with Trudie Styler had legal consequences:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Ooh, where are the seats?\\
'''Ross:''' Middle balcony.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Okay, now would you say that's more than fifty yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?\\
'''Ross:''' ''[confused]'' Yeah...\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[delighted]'' Then that's not breaking the law! I'm there!

[[AC:812: TOW Joey Dates Rachel]]
* Phoebe gives Chandler and Monica a ''[[VideoGame/PacMan Ms. Pac-Man]]'' machine as a wedding gift, and Chandler fills the entire high score board with obscene words - playing so much ''Ms. Pac-Man'' in the process that his hand gets locked into a claw formation.
--> '''Chandler''': My hand is ''messed up!''
* Since Ben is coming to visit the next day and Monica doesn't want her seven-year-old nephew learning obscenities from an arcade machine, she tries to beat Chandler's highest score ten times without success. Fortunately, Phoebe is rather more skilled at the game, and clears nine obscene names off the high score board (though not before seeing the names and saying "Oh my God! Your friends have some unfortunate initials!"). However, she loses her last life when she is just a few points away from clearing the tenth obscene name off the board... and ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYqlSoxG_d4 explodes]]'' into [[{{Irony}} a torrent of profanity just in time for Ross to arrive with Ben.]] The funniest parts are the collective reactions of Ross, Ben, Chandler, and Monica, coupled with the soundtrack switching to an opera in ''French''.
-->'''Phoebe:''' NO! YOU SON OF A B[ITCH, MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE!] ''[the soundtrack switches to opera for the part in brackets, while the video switches to slow motion. Ross' jaw drops, and he quickly covers Ben's ears, while Chandler covers his own ears and Monica {{Facepalm}}s]''\\
'''Ross:''' ''PHOEBE!''\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[stops swearing and turns around]'' Oh, hi Ben! NO, DON'T LOOK AT THE MACHINE! ''[covers the screen]''

[[AC:813: TOW Chandler Takes a Bath]]
* When Rachel and Ross discuss potential baby names, Phoebe chimes in with, "If it's a girl, Phoebe. If it's a boy, Phoebo." Later, Rachel asks her OB/GYN, "You could tell us whether it's a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?" The doctor then gets beeped and leaves the room. On her way out the door, she turns around and adds, "I know it's really not my place, but [[WhoNamesTheirKidDude please don't name your child Phoebo]]."
* After the doctor leaves:
-->'''Rachel''': ''[looking at board full of photographs]'' So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest?\\
'''Ross''': What?! Rach, come on. That's terrible. They're, uh, they're babies. They're all beautiful.\\
'''Rachel''': Third one from the left?\\
'''Ross''': Yeah, why is it staring at me? I think it knows I'm talking about it.
* After Ross thinks Rachel snuck a look at the sex of the baby:
-->"Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!"

[[AC:814: TOW the Secret Closet]]
* The whole closet plot, especially when Chandler finally opens the door (by taking it off the hinges), revealing a ton of disorganized junk. Chandler relishes teasing Monica over it:
-->'''Chandler''': ''[looking at closet]'' Oh my god!\\
'''Monica:''' ''[gasps]'' How did you get in there?!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[with a goofy grin on his face]'' He-he-he-he-he, ''you're messy!''\\
'''Monica:''' No, you weren't supposed to see this!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''I married [[Series/SanfordAndSon Fred Sanford]]!''\\
'''Monica:''' No, Chandler, you don't understand---\\
''[Chandler begins scatting the Sanford and Son theme]''

[[AC:815: TOW the Birthing Video]]
* Chandler's dawning horror as what he thought was a porn video turns out to be a birthing video.
-->'''Chandler''': Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! ''[grabs remote and starts pushing buttons]''\\
'''Candi''': Ohhh, make it stop!!!\\
'''Chandler''': I am ''trying!''
* As you might imagine, Chandler's rather turned off. Monica tries to bring him around.
-->'''Monica''': Chandler, we can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day.\\
'''Chandler''': You don't know. You didn't see it.\\
'''Monica''': Childbirth, it's a natural thing. It's beautiful.\\
'''Chandler''': Oh, beautiful? Really? Oh, really? You think this is beautiful? ''[starts video again]''\\
'''Monica''': ''[watches in horror as Candi screams]'' Oh, my God. No wonder my mother hates me.\\
'''Chandler''': See, honey, ''[puts hand on Monica's leg]'' there's--\\
'''Monica''': Don't touch me!
* This:
-->'''Chandler''': Up till now, the worst thing I ever saw was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver.\\
'''Monica''': We have to get past this. Why don't we just get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed?\\
'''Chandler''': I could do that. All right. ''[puts tape under the cushion of the armchair]'' Okay, now all we gotta do is get rid of the chair.
* After Rachel comes in:
-->'''Monica''': Rach, you know that birthing tape that you wanted to see? It's here.\\
'''Chandler''': Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it...don't watch it.\\
'''Rachel''': Why? You saw it? Is it scary?\\
'''Chandler''': Well, let's just say that it's ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself.\\
'''Rachel''': Well...well, now wait. I'm all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch it with me.\\
'''Monica''': No, but I ''will'' leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you.

[[AC:816: TOW Joey Tells Rachel]]
* Monica telling Ross how freaked out Joey is.
-->'''Monica''': He's talking about moving to Vermont.\\
'''Ross''': Why?\\
'''Monica''': He says he wants to leave the country.

[[AC:817: TOW the Tea Leaves]]
* Chandler's line: "I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPtc2ajqYV4 Phoebe's weird date.]]
-->'''Jim:''' I write erotic novels... for children.\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''What?''\\
'''Jim:''' They're ''wildly'' unpopular.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh my ''God!''\\
'''Jim:''' Also, you might be interested to know that I have a Ph.D.\\
'''Phoebe:''' Wow, you do?\\
'''Jim:''' Yep, a pretty ''HUUUGE''--\\
'''Phoebe:''' Alright. ''(leaves)''

[[AC:820: TOW the Baby Shower]]
* Ross and a reluctant Chandler agree to help Joey learn the rules to a GameShow he's auditioning for by playing through a game. Ross immediately gets into playing, even refusing to talk to Chandler between questions as contestants shouldn't talk to each other. Chandler snarks about the whole thing until he stumbles on a mechanic that allows him to steal all of the points Ross has earned so far. Suddenly Chandler is a ''lot'' more engaged.
-->'''Chandler:''' This game's kind of fun!\\
'''Ross:''' You don't think it's a little crazy you get ''all'' of my points just because you...\\
'''Chandler:''' [[IronicEcho I don't think the contestants are supposed to talk to each other.]]
** When the episode cuts back to them some time later they're all fully drawn in by the game with Chandler yelling his answers and Ross eagerly getting out of his seat to earn the "hopping bonus". As things reach fever pitch Chandler decides to "pick a Google card" which, somehow, makes him instantly lose the game. He doesn't seem ''too'' upset about this though.
--->'''Joey:''' ''(reading the script)'' Oh my god! Congratulations Ross, because Chandler, ''you've been [[TitleDrop Bamboozled!]]''\\
'''Chandler:''' [[BigNo NOOO!]]\\
'''Ross:''' [[BigYes YEAH!]]\\
'''Chandler:''' This is the BEST GAME EVER!
** When Joey arrives at the audition the producer informs him that testing revealed the game was too complicated for audiences to follow.
--->'''Producer:''' It's basically just a simple question and answer game now.\\
'''Joey:''' Well what's fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game that's just people standing around answering questions?\\
'''Producer:''' There'll be [[LovelyAssistant girls in bikinis]] holding up the scores.\\
'''Joey:''' ''(turns to the camera and adopts his GameShowHost voice)'' Let's play ''Bamboozled''!

[[AC:821: TOW the Cooking Class]]
* Rachel jealous over a girl showing interest in Ross:
-->'''Rachel:''' Horny bitch. ''(Ross and the girl look at her. Rachel pretends to play with the toys she's carrying)'' "No, you're a horny bitch!" "No, you're a horny bitch!"
* Phoebe's thoughts on the matter:
-->"Well, the idea—a woman flirting with a single man? We must alert the church elders!"

[[AC:822: TOW Rachel is Late]]
* Rachel and Ross are at the OB/GYN, and are having a discussion over the fact that Rachel has been quite irritable because her due date has passed already. Ross comes up with this great line.
-->'''Ross''': You know, we should ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half PURE EVIL!
* The doctor suggests several things that might help induce labor. The last one is sex. Rachel gives Ross a hopeful look, whereupon he says, "You've got to be kidding me!"
* Rachel tries to convince Ross to have sex with her:
-->'''Rachel:''' Oh come on Ross, we’ve done it before we’ll do it again, it’ll be a nice way to bookend the pregnancy.\\
'''Ross:''' This is insane, I’m not gonna make love to you just so that you’ll go into labor.\\
'''Rachel:''' Make love? What are you a girl?\\
'''Ross:''' Always a great way to get in a man’s pants.\\
'''Rachel:''' But you will, you will be performing a service. Okay? Just- just think of me as a ketchup bottle, y’know you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out.\\
'''Ross:''' I love when you talk dirty to me.

[[AC:823: TOW Rachel Has a Baby, Part I]]
* Rachel has had enough of this being-in-labor business, since she's been at it for seventeen hours:
-->'''Nurse''' ''(to patient offscreen)'': This room's available!
-->'''Rachel:''' Okay, okay! Wait! You listen to me! You listen to me, since I have been waiting, four women, that's ''four'', one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I'm next! It's my turn! It's only fair! And if you bring in one more woman and she has her baby before me, I'm going to sue you! Not this hospital, I'm gonna sue ''you!'' And my husband, [[BlatantLies he is a lawyer]]!
-->'''Ross:''' Uh, Rach—
-->'''Rachel:''' You get back on that case, honey!
-->'''Nurse:''' I don't think the next patient is very far along.
-->'''Rachel''' ''(exasperatedly)'': Okay, well then, ''bring her in.''
* That next patient, naturally, is ''Janice''.
-->'''Janice:''' I mean this is so great, we're gonna be baby buddies! ''[[[AnnoyingLaugh signature laugh]]]''
-->'''Ross''' ''[muttering to Rachel]'': Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears.

[[AC:824: TOW Rachel Has a Baby, Part II]]
* Monica and Chandler are finally about to have sex in the private room next to Rachel's (Chandler ponders about telling Rachel there's a private room available, but an increasingly desperate Monica says no) when Janice's laugh comes through the adjoining wall.
-->'''Monica''': Does that sound like ''Janice''?\\
'''Chandler''': If it’s not, then there’s two of them. And that would mean it’s the end of the world!
* The gang is appalled to meet Janice at the hospital giving birth at the same time as Rachel:
-->'''Chandler:''' Weirdest thing. Did I hear-''(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)''-Mother of God it's true!
-->'''Janice:''' Chandler Bing!
-->'''Chandler:''' Jan-Janice!
-->'''Ross:''' Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.
-->'''Janice:''' Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember, Chandler.
-->'''Chandler:''' Janice, I didn't even know you were pregnant! Who's the unwitting human whose essence you've stolen?
-->'''Janice:''' It's you. This is yours.
-->'''Chandler:''' ''What?!''
-->'''Janice:''' ''(laughs)'' Look how nervous he gets! We haven’t slept together in years! ''(Laughs again.)''
-->'''Chandler:''' That's funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?
* When after ''five'' 'roommates' Rachel finally gets good enough to deliver, she makes sure to brag "Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!" to the next one entering the room.
* A hormonal Rachel can't stop crying because she's so sleep deprived.
-->'''Rachel''': So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don’t see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God... ''(starts crying again)''
-->'''Joey''': What’s the matter now?
-->'''Rachel''': ''(wails)'' I was reliving it!
* While the audience don't get to see him, Janice's son is apparently quite ''interesting'' looking.
-->'''Rachel''': ''(horrified gasp)'' Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesn't he?
-->'''Ross''': ''(after Janice has left)'' Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Season 9]]
[[AC:902: TOW Emma Cries]]
* Joey tries to apologise to Ross for accidentally making Rachel think he was proposing to her using Ross' grandmother's ring. He just makes things worse:
** Joey doesn't understand the concept of "air quotes". When Ross tells him he's misusing them while apologising for "accidentally" (Ross' own air quotes) proposing to Rachel, Joey simply holds his fingers nearer to his face.
** And immediately after that, Joey tries to get Ross to throw a punch at him to square things for the whole proposal mix-up with Rachel. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUlLX46gss8 It doesn't end well for Ross]].
--->'''Ross:''' '''''WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU''?!!'''
** And the whole time, Gunther is watching what Ross is being put through and smiling.

[[AC:903: TOW The Pediatrician]]
* Both Rachel discovering Ross still goes to the pediatrician, and Ross trying to cover this up in his next visit.

[[AC:904: TOW the Sharks]]
* Joey tries to pick up a girl at Central Perk by pretending to be really awkward around women, and Gunther can't help but give a smug, sarcastic laugh (sounding more like a SayingSoundEffectsOutLoud version, "Ha!", than a real laugh) at every blatant lie Joey gives.
* Because Chandler switched the channel away from the porn he was watching as Monica walked in, she gets the mistaken idea he has a shark fetish, and goes to great lengths to be supportive of this, to his increasing confusion.
-->'''Monica''': Sweetie, it's okay. It's okay. I still love you. Let me be a part of this.\\
'''Chandler''': Let ''me'' be a part of this!

[[AC:905: TOW Phoebe's Birthday Dinner]]
* This gem when Rachel is panicking about accidentally leaving Emma locked in Ross' apartment.
-->'''Rachel''': What if she jumped out the bassinet?\\
'''Ross''': Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.\\
'''Rachel''': Oh my God, I left the water running!\\
'''Ross''': Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?\\
'''Rachel''': Ah, did I leave the stove on?\\
'''Ross''': You haven't cooked since 1996!\\
'''Rachel''': Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could ''fly in there!''\\
'''Ross''': [[SarcasmMode Oh my God, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think...listen. A pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an]] '''[[SarcasmMode EAGLE]]''' [[SarcasmMode flew in. Landed on the stove, and]] ''[[SarcasmMode caught fire!]]'' [[SarcasmMode The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression, and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a DEATH GRIP,]] ''[[SarcasmMode swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!!]]''
** And Rachel's reaction to this speech is the icing on the cake.
---> '''Rachel''': ''({{Beat}})'' Boy, you're gonna be sorry if that's true.
** And Rachel's fear of a bird flying into the apartment could be a CallBack to "TOW Phoebe's Husband" way back in Season 2 - where a pigeon really ''did'' fly into the apartment.
* Rachel can't leave Emma at home so she has Ross's mother bring her to the restaurant with them. She stops in the middle of a toast to signal that Emma dropped her sock, leading to...
--> '''Phoebe:''' Oh, for God's sake, Judy, pick up the sock! ''Pick up the sock!'' '''''PICK UP THE SOOOCK!'''''
* And shortly after this she gives her friends a verbal put-down and makes a dramatic exit before calling "Judy, bye!" and getting a drunken wave from her in response.

[[AC:906: TOW the Male Nanny]]
* Phoebe is happily holding hands with Mike at Central Perk, but discovers that she needs two hands to open the sugar for her coffee. Mike offers to let go, but Phoebe simply moves his hand to her breast to maintain contact while she adds the sugar to her coffee, then takes his hand back without another word.
* Monica can't see how Phoebe finds David sexually attractive, but Phoebe has the perfect burn to counter her skepticism:
-->'''Phoebe:''' I was just...I was looking...I was looking in his eyes and I was just thinking, "Oh my God! It's David. David's here." He's just, he's so irresistible.
-->'''Monica''': ''(leans forward, confused)'' Really? The scientist guy?
-->'''Phoebe:''' Really? Chandler?
-->'''Monica''': ''(considers, nods, leans back)'' Continue...
* In the extended version of the episode, when the gang tries fake laughing at Chandler's joke Ross at one makes what can only be described as a high-pitched squeal, one that even gets [[{{Corpsing}} Matthew Perry to start breaking character]].

[[AC:907: TOW Ross' Inappropriate Song]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cc7quH-i_0w Phoebe meets Mike's parents]].
* Joey considers moving into Richard's old apartment, but while over there, he and Chandler find a tape with Monica's name on it.
-->'''Joey:''' Ooh, a tape with a girl's name on it. It's probably a sex tape. Wait a minute, this says "Monica." And this is Richard's apartment. ''[keeps trying to figure out what it means]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Get there faster!\\
''[Joey finally figures it out and screams]''

[[AC:908: TOW Rachel's Other Sister]]
* Rachel's [[SarcasmMode charming]] sister comes back upset from her phone call on Thanksgiving.
-->'''Amy''': My boyfriend canceled on me. I mean, I...I finally find a real relationship, I mean, someone that I can spend this day with, and then [[ItsAllAboutMe his wife comes back into town]]. I swear, it's almost not even worth dating married guys.\\
'''Ross''': [[SarcasmMode Don't say]] ''[[SarcasmMode that.]]''

[[AC:913: TOW Monica Sings]]
* Ross comes in all heated over Rachel kissing Gavin.
-->'''Ross''': ''[outraged]'' Look, can we, can we talk about what happened here last night?\\
'''Chandler''': Sure, just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you. Ahem. ''[outraged]'' Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do? I mean, come on!

[[AC:915: TOW The Mugging]]
* Monica can get a little baby-happy at times, even when it's embarrassing:
-->'''Chandler:''' (Enters, excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what...
-->'''Joey:''' Uh...Monica's pregnant?!
-->'''Monica:''' (Excitedly turns to look at Joey) Really? (She looks around, then shrinks in her seat in embarrassment) Let's get past the moment.

[[AC:916: TOW the Boob Job]]
* Joey doesn't think Rachel can baby proof the apartment by herself.
-->'''Rachel:''' You don't think women can do this?\\
'''Joey:''' Women can; ''you'' can't.\\
'''Rachel:''' Monica, please tell Joey he's being a pig.\\
'''Monica:''' You're a pig. [to Rachel] And you can't do this.
* Ross doesn't approve of Phoebe calling him "Divorce-O." "If you're going to call me anything it should be Ross the Divorcer. It sounds cooler." Later, he runs "Ross the Divorce Force" past Mike, who thinks is cool.
* After the apartment is baby-proofed, Joey can't get anything opened at all. When he finally gets the fridge door opened in TheTag, he grabs everything he can in case he can't open it again.

[[AC:917: TOW the Memorial Service]]
* The episode's A plot revolves around a back and forth between Ross and Chandler editing each other's profiles on the NYU alumni website getting out of hand. It starts with Chandler changing Ross' profile to claim he has sex with dinosaurs (Ross almost seems more offended by the anatomical impossibility of this than by the implication that he is a sexual deviant) and gets funnier from there.
** Chandler tries to take revenge on Ross for editing his profile to claim he was "gay as the day is long".
--->'''Monica''': What are you going to do?\\
'''Chandler''': OH YOU'LL SEE MY FRIEND!
** He writes that Ross died [[NoodleIncident watching blimps]].
--->'''Ross:''' I'm DEAD?!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''(faking sympathy)'' And so young!\\
'''Ross:''' Posting that I died, that ''really'' isn't funny!\\
'''Chandler:''' Well, ''how'' you died was funny.\\
'''Ross:''' Oh, please. "''[[CruelAndUnusualDeath Hit by a blimp?]]"''\\
'''Chandler:''' It kills over ''one'' Americans every year!
** Ross finds that no one cared enough to post anything his supposed death. When Chandler notes that a website isn't the proper venue to express grief, Ross sets up a sudden memorial at Chandler and Monica's apartment to milk some sympathy. Attendance is so bad that the first guy to show up is actually there for the supposedly gay Chandler and thinks Monica is actually a man.
--->'''Ross:''' I'm dead and no one cares?\\
'''Monica:''' I look like a man?\\
'''Chandler:''' Please, one ridiculous problem at a time!\\
'''Ross:''' This isn't ridiculous. Look around. No one's here.\\
'''Chander:''' You gave them one day's notice. Not everyone in our class checks the website every day. And, Monica, it's probably the way you stand!\\
''[Monica adjusts her posture]''
** The one person who does show up for Ross is Kori Weston, an attractive woman that Chandler remembers.
--->'''Chandler:''' Chandler, Chandler Bing. And I'm not gay. I'm not gay at all.\\
'''Monica:''' You are married, though.\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[to Kori]'' Don't listen to him. He's in a really bad mood.

[[AC:918: TOW the Lottery]]
* This gem.
-->'''Monica:''' Hey, you just got in here five minutes ago!\\
'''Ross:''' THREE minutes ago! ...I don't know why that was important.
* After a meal, they break the wishbone and Joey makes a wish. The gang doesn't win the lottery, but Chandler does get offered a better job than the one he had been applying for. Joey says he used his wish for that and Chandler thanks him before saying:
-->'''Chandler:''' Listen, don't tell Monica or she'll rip your heart right out.\\
''[Joey nods]''
* One of the many great Ross lines in this episode:
-->'''Ross:''' You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys, just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp!
-->''(rubs a nearby lamp)''
-->'''Ross:''' AAAAAAAAH! THAT THING GETS ''HOT''!
* The two times Phoebe talks as if she was the pigeon who made her drop the lottery tickets. And during one Joey is looking for the bird...

[[AC:919: TOW Rachel's Dream]]
* Joey invites Rachel to come watch him on the set of ''Series/DaysOfOurLives''.
-->'''Joey''': You just have to promise not to get yourself thrown out again.\\
'''Rachel''': That was an honest mistake.\\
'''Joey''': Right. "Oh, my God. Is this the men's room? I feel so foolish. ''[cranes neck to look at ass]'' Have you always known you wanted to be an actor?"\\
'''Rachel''': ''[breaks into a shit-eating grin]'' Yeah, that was an awesome day.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=on2_ooaUc4Q Chandler and Ross' trip to Vermont]], where Ross tries to take as many of the hotel's amenities as possible. The opening bit with Ross on a sugar high from eating too much maple candy is also a real gem.
-->'''Chandler:''' Look, they are totally ripping us off!\\
'''Ross:''' Dude, don't worry about it, I know how we can make your money back. This is a nice hotel y'know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on those. Like those apples, instead of taking one, um, I take six!\\
'''Chandler:''' Great. At $100 an apple we're there!\\
'''Ross:''' C'mon, y-you get the idea, you know? W-we'll make our money back in no time.\\
'''Chandler:''' Dude, you're shaking!\\
'''Ross:''' I-I think it's the sugar, can you hold the apple?

[[AC:920: TOW The Soap Opera Party]]
* Rachel discovers that Joey lied to her and the rest of the friends about not being able to attend certain yearly events, as he was actually partying with the ''Days Of Our Lives'' cast without their knowledge.
-->'''Rachel:''' ''[gasps]'' That's why you got us tickets to that play, to get rid of us!
-->'''Joey:''' Yeah...
-->'''Rachel:''' Ugh! And last year, was that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant?
-->'''Joey:''' Yeah...
-->'''Rachel:''' ''[gasps]'' And the year before that when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?!
-->'''Joey:''' ''[chuckling]'' I can't believe you guys went for that one.
* The play Joey got them all tickets to was a one-woman show where the woman rants about how horrible her life was. Most of the friends discover the party and head to that instead, but they forget to tell Chandler. He ends up alone in the front row taking the brunt of the woman's ire. When he comes back, he claims it was an eye-opening experience. Then in TheTag he gets Phoebe and Monica to join him at another showing, only to ditch them and laugh about getting his revenge.

[[AC:923-24: TO in Barbados]]
* Chandler accidentally infecting Ross' laptop with a virus while looking for porn.
-->'''Ross:''' Nude photos of Anna Kournikova? [[ComicallyMissingThePoint She's never even won a major tournament!]]
* The RunningGag of Monica's hair getting extra volume from the humidity. Phoebe compares her to [[Music/TheSupremes Diana Ross]] and [[Series/SaturdayNightLive Roseanne Rosannadanna]], and by the end of the episode, her hair is sticking out sideways past her shoulders.
-->''[during an ultra competitive ping pong game between Mike and Monica]''\\
'''Chandler:''' You really find this attractive on him?\\
'''Phoebe:''' Oh, yeah! Are y-you telling me you're not even a, a little turned on by Monica right now?\\
''[Chandler looks at Monica, whose hair is sticking ever further out, as she wipes sweat off her forehead with her forearms and then sniffs her underarm]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ... I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.\\
'''Phoebe:''' All right, c'mon, Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head!\\
'''Monica:''' ''[misses Mike's shot, handing him another point]'' Ugh! Dammit!\\
'''Phoebe:''' ''[proudly]'' I sleep with him!\\
'''Mike:''' ''[spreads his arms, soaking up Phoebe's adoration]'' Game - point.\\
'''Monica:''' Don't get too cocky! Remember, I won the last one. Oh - by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl?\\
'''Mike:''' You know, you should really look in the mirror before you call yourself that.
* Chandler tries to put an end to the competition.
-->'''Chandler''': You've each won a game, and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.\\
'''Monica''': Best out of three?\\
'''Mike''': That's what I'm thinking.\\
'''Chandler''': Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Season 10]]
[[AC:1001: TO After Joey Kisses Rachel]]
* Continuing the insults on Monica's frizzy hair...
-->'''Monica''': Wait a minute... Ross and Charlie, Joey and Rachel, Phoebe and Mike! We're the only people leaving with the same person we came with.\\
'''Chandler''': That's not true. I came with Monica and I'm leaving with Music/{{Weird Al|Yankovic}}.\\
'''Monica''': Okay, I've had it with the hair jokes. Tomorrow morning, before we leave, I'm going to the salon.\\
'''Chandler''': Okay [[Film/TheLittleRascals Buckwheat]]!

[[AC:1002: TOW Ross is Fine]]
* Everything that a drunken Ross says and does in this episode. Highlights include...
** "The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making [[MundaneMadeAwesome FAJITAS]]!"
** "I can use ALL THESE THINGS!"
** "I'm gonna go make a pitcher of margaritas!"
** "Let's take a TRIP!"
** "MY FAJITAS!"
** Ross carrying a frying pan without oven mitts on.
** And of course, Ross' toast, which transitions into a hilarious speech about love.
** "I'm sorry; it must be the pressure of entertaining!"
* Ross walks in on Joey and Rachel making out. ''Rachel'' panics and insists they weren't kissing, and has to be reminded by ''Joey'' that Ross saw them.
* Phoebe directs Monica and Chandler to friends of hers who adopted so they can get some advice. Chandler meets the other couple's son and, not knowing he didn't know, mentions the reason they're there. Comes TheTag, when Phoebe is babysitting her nephew and nieces:
-->'''Monica''': Hey, Pheebs, we just want to give you a heads up. Bill and Colleen hate us.\\
'''Chandler''': Owen didn't know he was adopted, and [[BlatantLies Monica told him]].\\
'''Phoebe''': Still, he had to find out some time.\\
'''Chandler''': Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them? ''[triplets look at him]'' I'm going to go tell Emma she was an accident.

[[AC:1003: TOW Ross' Tan]]
* Ross' subplot in this episode is a ''tour de force'' for David Schwimmer's skill at physical comedy as he makes repeated trips to spray tan salons and, through a series of misunderstandings, only gets sprayed on the front of his body every time. His reactions each time after the first are priceless.
** Ross gets the idea for a trip to a spray tan salon after seeing the results of Monica's trip there. As well as setting up a RunningGag about Chandler getting pedicures (a secret Monica reveals in revenge for Chandler revealing ''her'' secret about getting a spray tan), we get a hilarious attempt at a LastSecondWordSwap after Monica hands Ross the card for the salon:
--->'''Ross:''' Hey, I know this place! It used to be an X-rated video... ''[very long pause]'' [[BlatantLies florist.]]
** At the salon, the assistant tells Ross to count to five after having his front sprayed while patting himself down to blend in any drips, then turn around to have his back sprayed. Ross misinterprets "count to five" as "count off five ''seconds''" and does the "One Mississippi, two Mississippi..." technique, only getting halfway through "three Mississippi" before his front is sprayed again. The assistant tells him to face the back of the booth and he'll spray his back twice, but Ross becomes confused by the fact that he now can't see the light indicating when the sprays are about to go off, hesitantly turns around, and gets sprayed twice more on his front.
** Inevitably, the others find his condition hilarious:
--->''[Monica and Chandler are in the kitchen of their apartment as Ross enters looking like he's been carved out of wood; Monica can't help grinning]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[deadpan]'' Hold on... there's something different.\\
'''Ross:''' I went to that tanning place your ''wife'' suggested.\\
'''Chandler:''' Was that place ''the Sun?''\\
'''Ross:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Oh! And it gets worse! ''[pulls up the side of his shirt to reveal that his front is tanned while his back isn't; this just makes Chandler and Monica grin wider]''\\
'''Chandler:''' Oh my God! You could do a duet of [[Music/StevieWonder "Ebony]] and [[Music/PaulMcCartney Ivory"]] all by yourself! ''[an unamused Ross drops his shirt again]''\\
'''Monica:''' How could you mess this up!? It's so easy! You go into the booth, you count to five, and you turn around!\\
'''Ross:''' How do you count to five?\\
'''Monica:''' One, two, three-\\
'''Ross: DAMN IT!''' ''[stomps toward the door just as Rachel opens it and looks at him, speechless]'' '''I KNOW!''' ''[storms off as Rachel splits her sides laughing]''
** So Ross goes to a different spray tan salon to get his back sprayed, and cuts off the assistant's explanation of how it works... not discovering until after he enters the booth that this one has ''two'' sets of nozzles, and he ends up getting his front sprayed ''twice'' by ''each'' of them as he turns back and forth in confusion.
** In TheTag, Ross, now almost mahogany in colour, is reading a ''National Geographic'' as he hears a knock at the door...
--->'''Chandler:''' ''[outside]'' Dude, it's Chandler.\\
'''Ross:''' Go away! I don't wanna see anybody!\\
'''Chandler:''' I know! I went to the tanning place and the same thing happened to me! You have to let me in!\\
'''Ross:''' Really? ''[sets down his magazine and heads for the door]'' Did you count Mississippi-ly? ''[he opens the door to reveal Chandler... with a camera and no hint of a spray tan]'' Y-you're not tanned!\\
'''Chandler:''' No. I just had to get a picture of this. ''[takes a quick snapshot with the camera; through laughter]'' I'll see you later! ''[runs off as an irate Ross slams the door]''
* In the Monica/Phoebe subplot, they are dragooned into meeting up with their former, very annoying neighbor Amanda (Creator/JenniferCoolidge) when their plan to ghost her fails.
** Plan A is to simply let her leave messages and then not reply to them; as she leaves a message on Monica's answering machine, we see that the years she has spent in Britain have led to a comically bad attempt at the local accent and slang. Unfortunately, as Monica and Phoebe listen to Amanda leave her message on the living room phone, Chandler becomes an accidental SpannerInTheWorks for their ghosting plan, leading to a collision with the RunningGag about his pedicures:
--->'''Amanda:''' ''[aiming for English and landing instead in WhatTheHellIsThatAccent]'' Let's see... to ensure you get this directly, ring me back on my mobile.\\
'''Phoebe:''' [[YeOldeButcheredeEnglishe Yeah, don't hold thy breath!]]\\
''[Amanda's message is interrupted by Chandler's attempt to dial an outgoing call]''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[on the phone]'' Hello? Is someone on the line?\\
'''Amanda:''' Yes, I was looking for Monica.\\
'''Chandler:''' Hang on, she's right here. ''[exits the bedroom and gives Monica the phone receiver]'' Someone's on the phone for ya.\\
'''Monica:''' We weren't picking up, it's Amanda!\\
'''Chandler:''' ''[{{Beat}}; into phone]'' I get pedicures!
** Despite Phoebe's pleas to the contrary, Monica agrees to meet Amanda for dinner the next night, but they plan for Monica to get a fake phone call saying Chandler and Mike were in an accident. That is, until Amanda lets slip that Phoebe tried to ghost Monica way back when. When the phone call comes, Monica says Chandler was in an accident, but not Mike. After, she walks into the apartment:
--->'''Monica''': We are not friends with Phoebe anymore.\\
'''Chandler''': If she asks, I protested a little, but...[[TheFriendNobodyLikes okay]].
* The Joey/Rachel ship finally sinks below the water in this episode; their subplot sees them gearing up to consummate their romance, but Rachel keeps slapping Joey's hand away as he moves it up her leg, then his attempt to unhook her bra fails miserably. He doesn't understand it - once, he just ''looked'' at a bra and it unfastened. As Rachel laments the failed date to Monica, it emerges that it was ''her'' bra that unfastened when Joey simply looked at it. Chandler spends the rest of the scene trying to make Monica's bra unfasten just by looking at it.

[[AC:1004: TOW the Cake]]
* Joey forgets to get Emma a present for her first birthday and decides to do a dramatic reading of one of her books. At first everyone seems disappointed and annoyed by this idea, but he reduces the entire room to tears. Also counts as a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome (by showing his skills as a professional) and as a SugarWiki/{{Heartwarming Moment|s}}.
* When they discover that they got a penis-shaped cake instead of a bunny-shaped one, we're treated to this gem.
-->'''Judy Geller''': Jack, look at this.\\
'''Jack Geller''': I know what you're thinking, Judy. The resemblance is uncanny. ''(Judy grins)''

[[AC:1005: TOW Rachel's Sister Baby-sits]]
* Joey's attempt at using a thesaurus on his adoption recommendation.
-->'''Chandler''': I don't, uh, understand.\\
'''Joey''': Some of the words are a little too sophisticated for ya?\\
'''Monica''': It doesn't make any sense.\\
'''Joey''': Of course it does, it's smart! I used the the-saurus!\\
'''Chandler''': ''On every word?!''\\
'''Joey''': Yep!\\
'''Monica''': Alright, what was this sentence originally?\\
'''Joey''': Oh, "They are warm, nice people with big hearts."\\
'''Chandler''': And that became "[[PurpleProse They are humid prepossessing homosapiens with full-sized aortic pumps?]]"\\
'''Joey''': Yeah, yeah. And hey, I really mean it, dude.\\
'''Monica''': Hey, Joey, I don't think we can use this.\\
'''Joey''': Why not?\\
'''Monica''': Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani".
* Ross doesn't want Amy to babysit Emma:
-->'''Ross''': ''(About Amy babysitting Emma)'' She can't babysit her.
-->'''Rachel:''' Why not?
-->'''Ross''': Well for one she keeps calling her Ella!
-->'''Rachel:''' Well, Ella is a nice name.
-->'''Ross''': Fine, we'll call the next one Ella!
-->'''Rachel:''' ''(Stunned)'' What? The next one?!

[[AC:1006: TOW Ross' Grant]]
* The whole incident with [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1nfnMUmqiA Gladys]], Phoebe's terrifying artistic creation involving half a mannequin sticking out of a frame. Mike wants her to get rid of it, and Monica's attempts to cover up her shock at the picture lead to Phoebe giving Gladys to her as a gift.
** Monica tries giving Gladys to Rachel, but when Phoebe walks in on them fighting over which of them gets stuck with it and they shift gears to fighting over which of them gets to keep it, she offers Monica a similar half-mannequin horror called Glynnis.
** Monica convinces Joey to buy Gladys from her, so Rachel proceeds to convince him that it's haunted. TheTag has Monica doing the same thing to Rachel with Glynnis.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTokqeL7sOU Joey's]] {{Japandering}} ad. He knows Chandler lied about watching the tape of his commercials because he didn't immediately start poking fun at him for this ad.
-->'''Joey:''' ''[in commercial]'' Ichiban! Lipstick... for men!

[[AC:1007: TOW the Home Study]]
* Monica cleans the apartment in preparation for the social worker.
-->'''Monica''': Okay, so I think I'm just about done here, unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like porn or cigarettes?\\
'''Chandler''': What? [[BlatantLies No!]]\\
'''Monica''': Chandler?\\
'''Chandler''': I don't! And I'm offended by the insinuation!\\
'''Monica''': Okay. So there's not a magazine under the couch? Or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of a toilet tank? Or a filthy video in the VCR?\\
'''Chandler''': I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine.\\
'''Monica''': Well, it isn't mine.\\
'''Joey''': ''[takes tape and walks out]'' Oh, I guess we'll never know whose it is.
* The Ross-Rachel subplot in this episode:
-->'''Ross''': I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground.\\
'''Rachel''': Oh, my God. What?\\
'''Ross''': Like I said, I was thinking of taking Emma to the Museum of Knives and Fire.
** Rachel has issues regarding playgrounds, it turns out, because as a little girl, she got her hair caught in the chain of a swing, requiring her mother to cut it on the spot, resulting in uneven hair for several weeks.
--->'''Ross''': ''[long {{beat}}]'' And you made it through that? I wonder who's going to play you in the movie.
** More classic David Schwimmer physical comedy ensues when Ross repeatedly stands in the wrong place and gets kicked by people on swings - first a young boy, then by Rachel trying to overcome her fear of swings.
* Phoebe and Mike decide to donate the money they would have spent on their wedding to a children's charity and just get married at City Hall, to Monica's distress. Then Phoebe sees what she looks like wearing Monica's bridal veil.
-->'''Phoebe''': All right, but who cares? You know, I don't need a pretty veil and a fancy dress.\\
'''Monica''': That's right, you're making a commitment, and you know, that's the same whether you do it at the Plaza or...Where are you going to do it?\\
'''Phoebe''': City Hall.\\
'''Monica''': ''[pained]'' Oh! ''[Chandler elbows her]'' Oh, that sounds nice. Well, I was just there for jury duty. They really spruced that place up.\\
'''Phoebe''': Okay. No, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay. I made my decision. What I really want is a great big wedding. ''[gasps and covers mouth]''\\
'''Monica''': Yay!\\
'''Chandler''': But you already gave all the money to charity.\\
'''Phoebe''': Well, I'll just ask for it back.\\
'''Chandler''': I don't think you can do that.\\
'''Monica''': Why not? This is her wedding day. That's way more important than some stupid kids.\\
'''Chandler''': That's sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption lady.

[[AC:1008: TOW the Late Thanksgiving]]
* Chandler and especially Monica are livid when the other four show up nearly an hour late for Thanksgiving dinner after Rachel and Phoebe sneak off to enter Emma in a baby beauty pageant (winning a $1000 cash prize in the process) while Ross and Joey sneak off to a [[UsefulNotes/NationalHockeyLeague New York Rangers game]]. Rachel fetches her old key, but Monica and Chandler have put the chain on, so the other four are only able to stick their heads in to apologise... an apology that is rejected when it emerges that Phoebe and Rachel forgot to pick up the chocolate pie for dessert. So they withdraw their heads... except Joey, who is stuck. As Ross looks at Joey's backside, he tells Rachel and Phoebe he's really tempted to mess with him, and soon, all three of them have retrieved armloads of odds and ends from Joey and Rachel's apartment and are stuffing them down Joey's pants.

[[AC:1011: TOW the Stripper Cries]]
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZmQqzQV0gg Joey on]] ''[[Series/{{Pyramid}} Donnymid]]''. Inevitably, he proves to be completely useless as a cluegiver and especially as a guesser.
** The first word is "cream":
--->'''Gene:''' You put this in your coffee.\\
'''Joey:''' A spoon! Your hands! Your face!\\
'''Gene:''' It's white.\\
'''Joey:''' Paper! Snow! A ghost!
** And then the new word is 'mayonnaise'.
--->'''Gene:''' You put this on a sandwich.\\
'''Joey:''' Salami! Anchovies! Jam!\\
'''Gene:''' It's white.\\
'''Joey:''' Paper! Snow! A ghost!\\
'''Gene:''' It's made from eggs.\\
'''Joey:''' Chickens?!
** And later on:
---> '''Joey:''' Why would there be a ghost in my fridge?
* Possibly the funniest moment in the episode: Monica and Rachel have hired a stripper for Phoebe's bachelorette party at the last minute. He knocks and announces through the door that it's "Officer Goodbody." Monica opens the door--and it's '''Creator/DannyDeVito'''.
-->'''Stripper:''' (''winded'') Jeez, that's a lot of stairs!
* It bugs Ross that at the party where he and Rachel kissed (in the dark), Chandler had already kissed her first.
-->'''Chandler:''' Wait, what bed did you say she was on?\\
'''Ross:''' Mine.\\
'''Chandler:''' I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed.\\
'''Ross:''' No, she was definitely on my bed.\\
'''Chandler:''' Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?\\
'''Ross:''' Well, then, who was on my bed?\\
'''Monica:''' Oh! Oh! Oh!\\
'''Ross:''' ''[realizing]'' No! No! No!\\
'''Monica:''' Yes!\\
'''Ross:''' You were under the pile of coats?\\
'''Monica:''' I WAS the pile of coats!\\
'''Ross:''' OH MY GOD!\\
'''Monica:''' You were my midnight mystery kisser?!\\
'''Ross:''' You were my first kiss with Rachel?!\\
'''Monica:''' You were my first kiss ''EVER?!''\\
'''Chandler:''' ''WHAT DID I MARRY INTO?!''

[[AC:1012: TOW Phoebe's Wedding]]
* Joey has been asked to walk Phoebe down the aisle, thus filling in as the "dad". He attempts to make small-talk with Mike's parents at the rehearsal dinner:
-->'''Joey:''' Ah, our little ones are growing up fast, huh?\\
'''Mike's Father:''' How's that?\\
'''Joey:''' I mean on the one hand you're happy for them, but on the other hand it's hard to let go.\\
'''Mike's Father:''' ''Who in God's name are you?''\\
'''Joey:''' Hey, I'm not too fond of you either, okay, buddy? But I'm just trying to be nice for the kids!
* And later, when Monica (the wedding planner) is trying to tell Phoebe how to give her speech...in the middle of the speech, this is the final straw:
-->'''Phoebe:''' Okay, okay, I, okay, I--'''[[SuddenlyShouting MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS!!]]''' This is MY wedding! Okay, I don't want this ''(mimes Monica twirling her hands)'' or ''this'' ''(mimes Monica tapping her watch)'' or THIS ''(mimes Monica going "cut!")'', okay?! I just wanted a ''simple wedding'', ''[[ItMakesSenseInContext WHERE MY FIANCE COULD GO TO THE BATHROOM]] '''[[ItMakesSenseInContext ANYTIME HE WANTS!!!]]'''''

[[AC:1013: TOW Joey Speaks French]]
* Rachel's dad recovering from a heart attack.
-->'''Leonard''': Hello, Ross. Get anymore of my daughters pregnant?
-->'''Ross''': No, no, just the one.
* Joey trying to learn French. Yes, it makes him super dumb, [[{{Flanderization}} more than he ever was]], but his interactions with Phoebe the teacher, the voice on the self-learning tape and the director of the play are hilarious.
-->'''Phoebe''': Let's try it one syllable at a time. Okay, so repeat after me: Je.
-->'''Joey''': Je.
-->'''Phoebe''': M'a.
-->'''Joey''': M'a.
-->'''Phoebe''': Ppelle.
-->'''Joey''': Ppelle.
-->'''Phoebe''': Great! Okay, faster. Je.
-->'''Joey''': Je.
-->'''Phoebe''': M'a.
-->'''Joey''': M'a.
-->'''Phoebe''': Ppelle.
-->'''Joey''': Ppelle.
-->'''Phoebe''': Je m'appelle!
-->'''Joey''': Mi pou pooo!

[[AC:1014: TOW Princess Consuela]]
* Ross complains of Rachel meeting [[TheBusCameBack Mark]] again, and the two of them going out to dinner as friends (it is eventually revealed that he is now HappilyMarried with newborn twins). We get this from Chandler:
-->'''Chandler:''' It's seven years ago. My time machine works!

[[AC: 1015: TOW Estelle Dies]]
* Chandler and Monica are checking out the house next door to the one they're buying, which has just come on the market, when they hear the person who's also checking it out...
-->'''Janice''': [[PunctuatedForEmphasis OH. MY. GOD!]]
-->'''Chandler''': ...Sure.
* Janice wants to buy the house so they can be neighbors. The very idea is so horrific, Monica and Chandler do the only logical thing: make it seem like Chandler still has feelings for Janice and do a bad kiss to convince her it's a bad idea.
* Phoebe pretends to be Estelle after she dies and calls Joey, who fires her. After Phoebe hangs up, she remarks "tough week for Estelle."
* Phoebe calls Joey again - after he's found out Estelle died (Phoebe didn't know this). Joey thinks he's being contacted by Estelle's ghost - with Matt Le Blanc giving one of his best {{Eye Take}}s. Upon hanging up, the call is conveniently listed as "out of area".
* It turns out that by the end of her life, Estelle had only two clients: Joey and Al Zebooker, a guy who eats paper. At Estelle's memorial service, Joey prepares to give a speech... only to find Al has eaten it.

[[AC:1016: TOW Rachel's Going Away Party]]
* Rachel says goodbye to everyone individually, reducing them all to tears. Except Joey.
-->''[Rachel and Joey are on the balcony, everyone else is inside watching.]''
-->'''Ross:''' God, I can't believe she saved me for last. Why are they taking so long?
-->'''Phoebe:''' I dunno, but Joey seems to taking it surprisingly well.
-->''[As Rachel heads back inside, Joey turns and starts to get ready to jump off the balcony. Rachel pulls him back when everyone else runs forward to stop Joey.]''

[[AC:1017-18: The Last One]]
* Chandler and Monica get a surprise about the child they are adopting just as the mother is about to give birth:
-->'''Doctor:''' You know it's twins, right?\\
'''Chandler:''' [''both he and Monica are thunderstruck''] [[SarcasmMode Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!]]\\
''[...]''\\
'''Monica''': Chandler, you're panicking!\\
'''Chandler''': Uh huh! JOIN ME, won't you?!
* Monica's way of reassuring Chandler?
-->'''Monica:''' I don't care if it's two babies, I don't care if it's ''three'' babies! I don't care if the entire cast of ''Series/EightIsEnough'' comes out of there!
* Ross, in a mad dash to stop Rachel from moving to Paris, runs to the ticket counter at the airport and sprints through the twisty turny roped off line.
* Then there's the entire "the left [[RunningGag phalange]] is broken" sequence. It's an obvious WildcardExcuse to get Rachel off the plane, and she sees right through the ruse...but the passenger next to her totally buys into it. Then it gets even funnier when the nonplussed flight attendant says that "there's no phalange!", which everyone takes to ExactWords and panics about even more. Everyone else on the plane starts panicking over this so-called "left phalange", with Phoebe's plan having GoneHorriblyRight.
* Monica handing the mover some money to get rid of the ceramic dog she's [[RunningGag always loathed]].
-->'''Monica:''' If it fell off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
[[/folder]]

'''Chandler:''' You didn't get more movies that are going to have us [[ADateWithRosiePalms reaching for the tissues all night]], did you?\\

'''Joey:''' I can see you, Mr. Bing. You look sexy in your new suit.\\

'''Tour Guide:''' I'm Rhonda, and these ''[[GagBoobs [indicates her breasts]]]'' aren't real!\\

* The rapid-fire game invented by Phoebe never fails to be amusing, but the grand prize goes to Joey using Pheebs's "Would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?" question on '''''Ross''''' of all people.

* Possibly the funniest moment in the episode: Monica and Rachel have hired a stripper for Phoebe's bachelorette party at the last minute. He knocks and announces through the door that it's "Officer Goodbody." Monica opens the door--and it's '''''Creator/DannyDeVito'''''.

[[AC: Friends! The Musical Parody]]

'''Joey:''' ''[leaning out of the window again]'' Fight's over! ''[Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are stunned]''

* Throughout the episode, several references are made to Monica's tendency to take Pictionary too seriously, including an incident when she supposedly threw a plate at someone (she insists it slipped out of her hand while she was gesturing). In TheTag, the gang are playing Pictionary, and we see why Monica gets so angry so easily:

'''Joey:''' This guy is so stupid. [[WhatAnIdiot IT'S COUNT RUSHMORE!]]\\

-->'''Phoebe:''' Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, ''Film/PrideOfTheYankees''. I thought I was gonna see a film about yankee pride, and then, boom! The guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.\\

'''Joey:''' Chickens!?

'''Ross:''' I was the Creatpr/JamesMichener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plotlines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.\\

'''Ross:''' I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plotlines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.\\

'''Phoebe:''' That's a bird?? ''[Monica puts her hands on her hips and glares at Phoebe]'' That's a bird! ''[looks away sheepishly]''\\