Funny / Fierce Creatures

• The script for the film was written partly with an eye to giving John Cleese a chance to do what he does best (and couldn't do as Archie in A Fish Called Wanda): be bossy, short-tempered, and gloriously sardonic. This is established from his very first scene as Rollo, when his administrative assistant, Di,^note  Played by Maria Aitken, who played Archie's wife Wendy in Wanda. is leading him on a tour of the zoo, and in response to her question about whether he has any experience with animals, he quips that he's "eaten a lot." His immediate "Just Joking" Justification doesn't seem to allay her concerns, and this spills over into his fractious first meeting with the zookeepers:
  Rollo: [as he and Di take to the stage at the front of the room] Er, now, for those of you who haven't met me yet, my name is Rollo Lee, and as of yesterday morning, I have assumed command of this zoo. And I shall be reporting to our new owners, Octopus Inc. of Atlanta. Now, Octopus, of course, is owned by Mr. Rod McCain, [Di flips over a page on the giant pad Rollo is using for his presentation, revealing a Time magazine cover photo of Rod, identified by name in a caption and flanked by two Octopus logos] who, as I'm sure you're aware, is a remarkable man. [the keepers look unimpressed] Starting with his father's radio stations in New Zealand, he has built up a global empire currently worth more than six billion dollars and growing! [Di flips over another page to reveal the number 6,000,000,000 below a giant dollar sign]
  Bugsy: 'ow much does 'e want in the end?
  Sydney: Yeah.
  Rollo: What?
  Bugsy: 'ow much bigger does he wanna get?
  Rollo: Well, there aren't any limits, he wants growth-
  Bugsy: Presumably he's aware of Dr. E.F. Schumacher's concept of limited resources, or, as Jean-Paul Sartre puts it-
  Rollo: Any sensible questions? [Pip raises her hand; Rollo points to her] Yes?
  Pip: Are you going to close the zoo?
  Keepers: Yes. [muttering amongst themselves]
  Rollo: Well, I'm- I'm very glad you asked me that...
  Sydney: No you're not.
  Rollo: [glares at Sydney] Yes I am!
  Keepers: [in unison] No you're not!
  Rollo: Now look! This zoo has to make money!
  Bugsy: It does!
  Rollo: Yes, yes, but not enough.
  Gerry: Enough for what!?
  Rollo: [defensively] Now don't... [shifts gears] A-actually, I will tell you precisely. Mr. McCain requires a 20% return on capital [Di flips over another page on the pad to reveal this very information; the zookeepers are stunned and outraged] from each and every asset in his empire!
  Sydney: Why 20%?
  Rollo: ... Because he does, that's why.
  Bugsy: [sarcastically] Oh, could we explore that thinking a little?
  Other keepers: Yeah!
  Rollo: No.
  Bugsy: I thought not. Despite the fact that current management theory-
  Rollo: Now, the big problem is this... [Bugsy rolls his eyes]
• An offhand comment by Reggie, the sea lion keeper, about how his charges can be killers, even if they aren't usually so, gives the other keepers an idea to sidestep the "fierce creatures" policy by claiming that even the cuddliest animals at Marwood Zoo are vicious killers, complete with information plaques featuring violent images completely at odds with the docile animals in the enclosures; the obvious lies do not escape Rollo's notice:
  [Sydney is holding a chair toward a group of vaguely interested coatis as if he were a lion tamer; Rollo watches, surrounded by the rest of the keepers]
  Rollo: Are you trying to tell me that coati is fierce?
  Sydney: Please! This is a wild animal, it's not domesticated! [one of the coatis sniffs the chair leg] Take the liberty with one of these things, they'll give you a very nasty nip!
  Rollo: A safety pin would give me a nasty nip, Lotterby! I-I'll tell you what's fierce, fierce is biting the whole hand off! [wraps one hand around the wrist of the other hand]
  Sydney: [as the other keepers murmur in shock] Whole hand?
  Rollo: [making his way through the crowd] 'kyou!...
  Hugh: It is all right if it wrenches the hand off?
  Rollo: Oh, yes, fine... [walks off to the next enclosure]
  Hugh: [relieved] Whew... [the camera pans across a plaque with an image of coatis savagely attacking each other, captioned "The fierce feeding frenzy of coatis" and claiming that their "gruesome hunting habits" often result in them consuming 10 lb of flesh in a day]
  Rollo: Er, Lotterby, can I have a word with you over here, please? Now, these are your meerkats, correct? [points at them; Sydney pushes his arm down]
  Sydney: Don't do that, please, sir, please, they go straight for the throat.
  Rollo: [pointing to the information plaque, showing a meerkat with teeth bared and a wild expression] Now this new plaque of yours, Lotterby, says that they're known as "the piranhas of the desert", is that right?
  Sydney: They can strip a human carcass in three minutes, sir!
  Rollo: [leafing through a book] My encyclopaedia says they're easily tamed and often kept as pets. [the meerkats all stand up on their hind legs, looking completely harmless]
  Sydney: No! You've not been attacked by one, sir!
  Rollo: Nobody's been attacked by one, Lotterby... or, rather, if they have, they've never noticed.
• As Willa leans over a model of the zoo in the Octopus offices in Atlanta, showing off her cleavage to maximum effect, Vince begins none-too-subtly putting the moves on her, which she equally none-too-subtly rebuffs:
  Vince: [opens the office door and leans in] Willa, can I ask you a question?
  Willa: Sure.
  Vince: Are those breasts real?
  Willa: Yes.
  Vince: [closes the door] YIPPEE! [Willa shakes her head in disbelief; Vince re-enters the office] Y'know, Willa, uh, you better be careful dressed like that around here, people will think you're sleeping your way to the top. [climbs onto the table and lies on his side]
  Willa: [deadpan] Just as long as they don't think I'm sleeping my way to the middle.
• Rollo seems to call the keepers' bluff when they give him a lemur, a coati, a mara, a baby wallaby, and a baby ostrich and tell him he has to shoot them, in keeping with his "fierce creatures" policy. However, despite the five graves he fills in just before the keepers respond to the five shots they have just heard, when Vince and Willa unwittingly telephone him in the middle of the night, we see what really happened - but Vince and Willa get a very different impression...
  • First, Vince forgets about the five-hour time difference between Atlanta and Britain:
    [the camera pans down Rollo's bedroom wall, with photos of his years in Hong Kong, then past the alarm clock, which shows 2:03, then to the phone, which rings loudly; Rollo is jarred awake and grabs the receiver]
    Rollo: Yes?
    Vince: [sitting with Willa in her apartment in Atlanta; the digital clock on the phone reads 9:03] Hello, Rollo?
    Rollo: Yes?
    Vince: Vince here! How you doing? You having dinner?
    Rollo: Dinner? It's, it's, er... [looks at the clock] two o'clock in the morning.
    Vince: Oh, were you asleep?
    Rollo: Yes, er, I frequently am at 2am, I'm afraid... [shifts into a sitting position] Filthy habit I picked up in the Far East.
    Vince: Oh, well, gee, look, if this communique is in any way, uh, sleep-interruptive, I'll, uh, re-telephone you later-
    Rollo: No, no, it's not sleep-interruptive, really, so let's chat now, I can always catch up on some rest... Christmas, probably...
  • So they start to talk - but the conversation is repeatedly interrupted from Rollo's end:
    Rollo: [sits upright, sighs heavily, then holds the receiver to his ear again] Right.
    Vince: Okay, good, let's talk marketing, shall we?
    Rollo: [deadpan] Oh, good.
    Vince: Yeah, uh... first thing tomorrow I'd like you to send me the most current marketing figures that you've got, okey-doke?
    Rollo: Right. [Rollo the lemur drops from above onto his head with a squeak] AHHH! [he drops the receiver in shock]
    Willa: Uh - Rollo, hi, Willa Weston here, are you all right?
    Rollo: No no, not now, not now! Would you...
    Vince: You got a problem with now?
    Rollo: No no, I'm fine! No, don't do that- Sorry, hang on a moment!... [cut to Rollo's bedroom, where the five animals are surrounding Rollo on his bed; he points at the baby wallaby] Susie, be quiet! Shh! Shh! [picks up the receiver] Hello? Erm, I'm just gonna put you on hold for one moment, okay? Thank you! [pushes the "Hold" button]
    Vince: [exchanges a look with Willa] Another filthy habit he picked up in the Far East...
    Rollo: [lifts Rollo the lemur onto the bedside table] Now, you just go over there... stay! [Rollo the lemur steps on the "Hold" button while walking across the phone, so the rest of Rollo's conversation is broadcast to Vince and Willa] No, no, don't, just... stop it, I've got to talk with those marketing Moonies! [Vince and Willa exchange another look; back in Rollo's room, Rollo shoos off the coati and the baby wallaby] Now, just, just go over there and play with each other, all right? Go on!
    Vince: [whispering to Willa] He's got two girls! [Willa shushes him]
    Rollo: Go away, Susie! [back in Rollo's room, Susie crawls under the covers] Susie, what are you going down there for!? [back in Atlanta, Vince and Willa are ever more shocked] Ahh! Ahh! No, stop licking my- careful! Ahh... ahh... no... I... [groans] I can't fool around with you... [Rollo the lemur latches onto his head] Ow... OW! Don't pull! Oh - oh - ahh... [finally gets Rollo the lemur off his head] Get... there. There. Stay, stay. [to the baby ostrich] Cindy, get off the bed! [back in Atlanta, a stunned Willa looks at Vince, holds up two fingers, and adds a third] Cindy, off! Off! I don't want you now!
    Vince: [whispering to Willa] Three girls?!
    Rollo: [as Vince mouths "THREE!?"] Cindy! Go away! Go on, just - oi, go... [shoves Cindy off the bed from behind; Cindy defecates in Rollo's hand as she jumps away] Oh, that is disgusting. [presses a button on the phone - and accidentally hangs up, leaving Vince and Willa utterly gobsmacked] Sorry, I had a bit of a cramp. [hears the dial tone] Hello? HELLO!
    Vince: [laughing in disbelief] He must have eaten a whole rhino horn!
    Willa: [smirking] Now there's a thought... I'll be right back.
    Vince: [watches her leave] Take your time. [to himself] How does he get three girls!?... Where's the third one go?... Bastard.
• With their attempts to prevent the "fierce creatures" policy from resulting in the mass expulsion of the zoo's cute animals having so far failed to change Rollo's mind, the keepers shift gears by pretending that they're being mauled by their charges on a regular basis, and they lay the groundwork by overreacting to an "escaped" anteater. Rollo is not convinced:
  Rollo: [sees the animal that has been ushered into a large crate by several keepers armed with dart guns] What is that?
  Sydney: That is an anteater - not too close! It's very angry!
  Rollo: Angry?
  Sydney: Oh, they've got wicked tempers, sir.
  Rollo: Devastate small towns, do they? [in the background, Pip is carried past on a stretcher, unnoticed by Rollo; she gestures to the stretcher bearers to circle round and go past again]
  Sydney: No, not really-
  Rollo: [waving his arm] Stop, stop, stop!
  Sydney: Look at the claws, sir! They're diabolical!
  Rollo: Lotterby, you did not need three guns to re-capture this, a sharp stick would have sufficed!
  Sydney: Sharp stick!? Believe you me, listen, these jaws-
  Rollo: It's an anteater, not a maneater!
  Sydney: [points toward a mother leaning over a baby in a pram] What would you say if it went over there, jumped into that pram? What would you be saying to the child's mother now? [in the background, Pip and the stretcher bearers have finished circling round; Pip gestures to the other two to carry her towards Rollo]
  Rollo: I'd be saying, "Madam, you're the victim of an eight billion to one chance: a leaping anteater, an evolutionary mutant previously unknown to science!"
• As for the fake injuries from supposed maulings, when Rollo sees two keepers laughing over seemingly having pulled the wool over his eyes, he resorts to Disproportionate Retribution - leading to a pile-up of misunderstandings that results in him making the worst possible first impression on Willa and Vince...
  • First, Rollo storms into the zookeepers' break room and surprises Gerry and one of the other keepers in the middle of touching up fake claw marks on another keeper and opens fire on them with a hunting rifle - purely as a scare tactic, as he isn't actually aiming at them:
    Rollo: [studying the rifle after obliterating four mugs as the three keepers scream in terror] Something wrong with the sights, I seem to keep hitting coffee mugs.
  • As Rollo leaves, Reggie rushes in to see what was causing the noise, sees the fake claw marks, and concludes that Rollo actually did shoot one of the keepers; the fact that Rollo reacts to this claim by pointing his rifle at Reggie doesn't help, so the latter flees to phone the police. Meanwhile, Mrs. Pike, a female zoo patron, has taken a nasty fall and gashed her leg, which Rollo mistakes for another prank. His attempt to expose the "prank" backfires disastrously:
    [Rollo sees the injured Mrs. Pike being loaded onto a stretcher]
    Rollo: [Tranquil Fury] Right... [marches over to the stretcher]
    Sydney: Ah, Mr. Lee, I'm afraid there's been a bit of an accident.
    Rollo: 'Course there has, Lotterby, and I can promise you it's the last one.
    Sydney: What?
    Cub: Th-this lady fell, Mr. Lee, and she-
    Rollo: No no, surely she's been savaged by a chipmunk, or gored by a gopher, or disembowelled by a chicken, hasn't she? Come on, get off there!
    Mr. Pike: What!?
    Rollo: I've had enough of this, put that stretcher down, you two.
    Mrs. Pike: I fell!
    Sydney: She did, Mr. Lee, Scout's honour! [holds up two fingers]
    Rollo: I'm warning you, Lotterby, [Sydney mutters to himself and turns away as if to say "I take no responsibility for this!"] put the stretcher down now!
    Mr. Pike: What are you doing?!
    Cub: Mr. Lee...
    Rollo: Oh come off it, friend, look, just get up-
    Mr. Pike: She needs treatment!
    Rollo: No she doesn't!
    Mr. Pike: She's hurt her leg!
    Rollo: No no, it's fake!
    Mr. Pike: What!?
    Rollo: It's fake blood! Look! Taste it! [dips his finger in the gash and licks it off]
    Cub: Mr. Lee!
    Rollo: It's fake!
    Mr. Pike: Fake?
    Rollo: Yes! Fake! [dips his finger in again, causing Mrs. Pike to yelp in pain] Try it yourself!
  • But just dipping his finger in the blood isn't enough for Rollo to expose the "prank":
    [a car pulls up in the background]
    Mr. Pike: Who is this?
    Sydney: He's the director of the zoo! He's in charge!
    Rollo: [to Mrs. Pike] Look, you've been rumbled, okay?
    Mrs. Pike: What?!
    Rollo: Look, you're not fooling anyone, just get up! [starts dragging her to her feet]
    Mr. Pike: What is going on!?
    Rollo: Don't you understand?! This is artificial blood! The whole thing's a charade! She's not hurt!
    Mr. Pike: She is hurt!
    Rollo: No no no, look, she's just one of the keeper's wives!
    Mr. Pike: She's my wife!
    Rollo: Look! Taste the blood! [pulls Mrs. Pike's leg up and licks the gash]
    Mr. Pike: She's my wife!
    Cub: Mr. Lee!
    Rollo: Taste the blood!
    Mr. Pike: She's my wife!
    Rollo: ... She's your wife?
    Cub: Mr. Lee...
    Rollo: [slowly dawning realisation] Wait a moment! [licks the gash again]
    Female onlooker: He's drinking her blood! Will you stop that!? [bashes Rollo in the face with her handbag; Mrs. Pike moans in agony]
  • With Rollo now having dug himself in so deep he can't see the top of the hole, Willa and Vince choose the perfect moment to make their entrance:
    Rollo: Are you sure she's your wife!?
    Mr. Pike: Of course I'm sure, just get away from her!
    Rollo: Now look, let's just be sensible about this-
    Mr. Pike: [as Willa and Vince make their way to the front of the crowd of onlookers] Oh, Count Dracula's telling me to be sensible!?
    Willa: What is happening here?
    Female onlooker: He's sucking her blood!
    Willa: He's what?!
    Female onlooker: Look at his lips! [Rollo self-consciously wipes his lips on the back of his hand]
    Mr. Pike: He's the director of the zoo!
    Willa: You're Rollo Lee!?
    Rollo: Yes.
    Female onlooker: Christopher Lee, more like!
    Willa: This woman is injured, she needs attention!
    Rollo: I know she needs treatment!
    Mr. Pike: You've just told everyone she didn't!
    Female onlooker: Before you bit her!
    Rollo: Look!...
    Willa: Are you in pain, Mrs...
    Mrs. Pike: Pike. No, but it's very tender...
    Rollo: Listen, I can handle this, thank you!
    Willa: No you can't.
    Rollo: I'm in charge!
    Willa: No, you're not!
    Rollo: YES I AM - by GOD, you Americans are pushy, aren't you! Who the HELL do you think you are!?
    Willa: Willa Weston.
    Vince: Vince McCain.
    Rollo: [Beat; with his best "Oh, Crap!" Smile] Welcome to Marwood Zoo!
• Once Reggie arrives with the police and the local paper runs with the headline "Vampire gunman runs amok", Rollo is demoted, but not before Willa and Vince show up outside his room, forcing him to hide the five cute animals in the bathroom. They proceed to cause noisy chaos, at one point switching on a radio programme featuring a conversation between various women, and eventually pulling the chain to flush the toilet, which Rollo tries to brush off as a faulty radiator.
  Rollo: Damned radiator. [kicks it] Hardly slept last night.
  Willa: [smirking] I bet.
• After Willa shoots down his latest attempt to charm his way into her underclothes, Vince takes his anger out on the trolley on which he arranged celebratory champagne and caviar. Just as he is smashing it to pieces, Rollo walks past with his namesake lemur in a cage, explaining, a bit awkwardly, that he was taking the animal for a walk:
  Vince: [jumps up and down on the remnants of the trolley and its contents, then sees Rollo] YOU!
  Rollo: Oh, hello! Lovely evening!
  Vince: [pointing to the cage] What are you doing with that?
  Rollo: Er - oh, the lemur?
  Vince: Yeah!
  Rollo: Oh, just, er, putting it back in its enclosure!
  Vince: Why'd ya take it out?
  Rollo: Er... for a walk! You know, exercise...
  Vince: It can hardly move in there! [Rollo the lemur squeaks as if agreeing]
  Rollo: Er, no no, the exercise is for me.
  Vince: So whaddaya need that for?
  Rollo: That's a good point, actually, erm... well! Perhaps I won't bother in future. Thanks for the hint! [smiles and waves]
  Vince: Hey-hey-hey-hey!... Were you gonna use that for target practice?
  Rollo: Ohh, no! [forced laugh]
  Vince: Or, uh... one of your orgies.
  [long pause as Vince looks at Rollo expectantly while Rollo looks at Vince in utter confusion]
  Rollo: Orgies!?
  Vince: YEAH! I'm onto you! You were gonna put that somewhere! You're sick!
  Rollo: [deadpan] Is there a history of insanity in your family? Or is the smashing up trolleys the latest American craze?
  Vince: No, the latest American craze, pal, is FIRING WEIRDOS LIKE YOU! [points to emphasise each word]
  Rollo: [turns and walks off] Come on, Rollo! Let's get you back home before some loony attacks this trolley!
  Vince: "Come on, Rollo"!? [to the gorilla in the nearby enclosure] He's talking to himself and [waves his arms wildly] I'M THE LOONY!
• Vince's plan to generate the 20% return on investment: Product Placement on every surface (up to and including the animals; at one point, we see a tiger sporting a cloth cover advertising Absolut vodka) and celebrity sponsors for individual animals (Vince already has the sponsors' pictures on display... as to whether they've agreed to the deals, he's expecting their calls any day!), including Miss Piggy and Saddam Hussein.
• Following his disgrace, Rollo's office is... re-located. Meanwhile, Bugsy lodges a protest over the garish, sponsor logo-covered uniforms the keepers have to wear as part of Vince's new marketing plan, driving Rollo crazy with his Motor Mouth tendencies. And then several of the keepers show up, having discovered Rollo didn't really shoot the five cute animals after all - just in time for Vince to walk past with a group of investors:
  Bugsy: I mean, it's bad enough having to wear this rubbish!
  Rollo: I do know what you mean, I-
  Bugsy: I can only assume he's planning to turn the entire zoo into a supermarket where he can sell videos about animals in other zoos!
  Rollo: I agree! He's trying to-
  Bugsy: Or cheap little souvenirs of the ones they didn't have time to see because they were too busy shopping!
  Rollo: Yes-
  Bugsy: I mean, I'm surprised he hasn't started selling all the animals here!
  Rollo: [standing up, revealing an Octopus logo sewn onto the back of his blazer] Look, the point is this-
  Bugsy: Special summer sale: Antelopes, 50% off! Ocelots, £200 each, or six for a thousand! Rhino horn! [with a "nudge, nudge" gesture] Just the job for Friday night!
  Rollo: Could I say something-
  Bugsy: One free porcupine with every purchase of two overpriced T-shirts!
  Rollo: PLEASE! [Bugsy shuts up for a moment; in a wide shot, we see Rollo's office is now in an animal cage] Thank you. I just want to make this one point-
  Bugsy: If you ask me-
  Rollo: [jumping up in fury] I DON'T! I can't get a word in edgeways, let alone ask you anything!
  [Pip, Cub, Sydney, and Gerry rush in, all deliriously happy]
  Pip: You didn't kill them! [she and Cub rush over to Rollo and throw their arms around him]
  Rollo: What?
  Cub: We checked! They're all alive! [she and Pip begin showering Rollo with kisses]
  Rollo: Oh!
  Sydney: [grinning] You rascal! [to Bugsy] He was only kidding!
  Bugsy: [pretending he knew all along, despite his earlier "I Told You So" when Rollo appeared to have shot them] Just figured that out, did you?
  Rollo: [beaming as Pip and Cub continue to kiss him in gratitude and relief] I say...
  Vince: [walking past with the investors] And over here, this used to be the lion house, but as it's no longer suitable for animals, we're using it for middle management. [stops in his tracks when he sees Pip and Cub either side of Rollo] What the hell do you think you're doing!? [Pip and Cub quickly jump off Rollo and stand to attention] Can you keep a lid on it 'til the sun goes down, for God's sake?! [Willa, meanwhile, is ever more intrigued by what she sees as Rollo's Urban Legend Love Life] You're supposed to be working! Not prancing around in your cell like a... flamingo with a boner! [to the investors] I'm terribly sorry, ladies and gentlemen, we're having a problem getting the right balance for his medication. [to Rollo] This is a family zoo, not the Playboy Mansion, you pervert!
• When Willa mentions that Rod is planning to fly in from Atlanta to visit the zoo, the keepers go into panic mode and assume he's planning to close them down, so they check into an adjacent room at his hotel and bug his room.
  • Rollo is too busy yelling at surveillance expert Bugsy to shut up to hear Cub anxiously knocking on the door of Rod's room to let them know he's arrived early, so she enters through the other door... and accidentally knocks aside the wastebasket propping open the door between their room and Rod's room, which only opens from the other side. Rod and his entourage arrive before they can leave by the main door, forcing them to hide in the closet; since Bugsy hasn't plugged in the tape recorder, Rollo and Cub try to listen in while Vince tries and fails to impress his father with the latest figures. Fortunately, a sheep-carrying Pip enters the next room and plugs in the recorder. Unfortunately, Bugsy then notices his tarantula, Terry, has escaped...
    [Bugsy suddenly realises the pocket in which he was keeping Terry is empty]
    Vince: Done really well, haven't I, Dad. [in the closet, Bugsy checks his inside pocket, then his sleeve; meanwhile, Vince affects his father's accent] "Chip off the old block, eh?"
    Rod: [sourly] I'm reading. [in the closet, Bugsy carefully looks for evidence of Terry's presence on the hangers] Wait... something here doesn't add up.
    Vince: If you read between the lines, Dad, you'll see-
    Rod: Profit's only 12%!
    Rollo: [notices Bugsy's odd behaviour; hisses] What are you doing!?
    Bugsy: [whispers] The tarantula's escaped. [Rollo begins hyperventilating as Bugsy crouches to check the floor; a puzzled Cub drums her fingers on his shoulder to get his attention, almost giving him a heart attack]
    Cub: What?
    Rollo: [whispers] The tarantula's loose! [Cub joins Rollo in full-blown panic; he strips off his jacket while she checks her dress; cut to the room]
    Vince: Told you I'd kick ass, Dad! [cut back to the closet; a frantic Rollo pulls off his tie and checks down his shirt while an equally frantic Cub begins unbuttoning her dress] What I really wanted to ask was, I, uh... [cut to the room] I feel really... close to you... Dad, uh, these last few, um... moments. And, um, I was wondering, uh, could I get a raise?
    Rod: Out of the question! [cut back to the closet; as Bugsy continues to check the floor, we see Rollo's trousers fall to his ankles, while Cub's dress slides further down her legs]
    Vince: Why? [cut back to the room]
    Rod: [glancing in the direction of the noise from the closet] I don't have the money.
    Vince: You got six billion dollars!
    Rod: Seven, but things are tight right now. [gets up and marches across the room] The hell's makin' all this bloody noise!? [back in the closet, Bugsy is inspecting Rollo's trousers as Cub's dress falls to the floor] Who's there?! [Rollo, Cub, and Bugsy stop moving as Rod opens the main door and checks the corridor, where we hear vacuuming] Huh.
  • Things go from bad to worse for everyone in the room except Rod when Vince tries to ask for an advance on his inheritance and the others find Terry...
    Vince: Okay, uh, what about a small advance on my inheritance?
    Rod: What inheritance? [in the closet, Rollo and Cub go rigid with terror as they notice Terry crawling along the shelf over their heads]
    Vince: [laughs in disbelief] I'm your son! You have to leave me something!
    Rod: Why?
    Vince: [spluttering] 'Cause... you screwed up my whole childhood!
    Rod: How could I have? Wasn't even there! [cut back to Rollo and Cub trying not to panic as Terry continues his journey along the shelf; cut back to the room] 'Sides. I'm not leaving.
    Vince: Uh... w-what do you mean?
    Rod: The moment I become seriously ill I'm being cryogenically frozen, 'til they find a cure. [cut to Rollo and Cub, their anxiety growing with every step Terry takes along the shelf] All the money goes into a trust 'til I get back.
    Vince: [through clenched teeth, his voice a mixture of anger and shock] Y... you mean you're not gonna die!?
    Rod: [gleefully] Bad news, eh? [from the closet, Cub screams in horror] Get a hold of yourself! [Vince reaches a hand to his temple as we see Terry crawl through the louvred door; meanwhile, the sheep in the next room bleats, and Pip hurriedly closes the door] Hmm. That was a sheep! [looks toward the window, then walks over to it]
    Vince: You mean... you're gonna be immortal?!
    Rod: Now you got it! Mind you, this cryogenic stuff isn't cheap. Costing me an arm and a leg. [Vince spots a knife on the table, picks it up, and raises it to stab his father in the back... then loses his nerve] Mmm. Sheep are exactly like people, you know. [Vince shifts gears and holds out his wrist, then readies the knife... but as the blade touches his flesh, he loses his nerve again] Give them a couple of meals a day, they just stand there, quietly... [Vince pumps his arms in despair - and accidentally stabs himself in the thigh with a "squelch"] 'Til you eat 'em. [Vince's face contorts into a silent scream of agony; he finally pulls the knife out, then staggers around in absolute pain as Rod turns back to look at him] Christ!
    Vince: [feigning innocence] What?
    Rod: That's the biggest goddamn spider I ever saw. [cut to Terry, crawling along the top of the sofa]
    Vince: Oh! Yeah, that's probably what was making the bleating noise. [hops over to it]
    Rod: I don't like spiders. Kill it.
    Vince: It's terminated! [stomps on the floor... with the leg he just accidentally stabbed] AGHH! [meanwhile, a horrified Bugsy barrels out of the closet and has to be dragged back in by Rollo] Damn... I missed! [in the closet, Rollo has his hand clamped over Bugsy's mouth as Cub signals him to be quiet] Must have gone under the sofa. [hops up on the cushions] I'll wait here.
  • But the eavesdropping scheme finally pays off as Rod reveals that he's planning to close the zoo and sell it to the Japanese for development as a golf course; he tells Vince not to tell Willa, who arrives seconds later for dinner. She then gets another page to add to her mental book on Rollo's seemingly adventurous sex life...
    Willa: [to Vince, as Rod leaves] Do I look all right?
    Vince: [still standing on the sofa, uneasily watching the floor] Great, yeah, never better.
    Willa: How'd it go?
    Vince: Really well. Let's go. [tries to clamber over the back of the sofa and falls flat on his face] Ow!
    Willa: [noticing Vince's leg as he struggles to his feet] Is that blood?
    Vince: Uh, yeah, spider bite. Yeah. C'mon, let's go! [leaves; Willa follows and closes the door behind her, finally allowing Rollo, Cub, and Bugsy to escape from their hiding spot]
    Bugsy: [as Rollo pants with exhaustion and Cub grabs the incriminating papers] Terry? Terry! [picks up the tarantula] There you are. Terry... there he is. Got him!
    Cub: [gasps and points] Her bag! [she and Rollo dive back into the closet just as Willa returns to retrieve her bag; however, instead of leaving, she checks herself in the mirror, allowing the door to close and making Rollo and Cub think she's gone again]
    Rollo: [staggers out of the closet, still minus his jacket, trousers, and tie, still panting with exhaustion] Never again. [Willa sees him, but he doesn't see her; Cub backs into the closet, out of Willa's line of sight, as Rollo collapses onto the sofa] Not at my age.
    Willa: [walks around the sofa] Hello!
    Rollo: [slamming his legs shut in alarm] Hello!
    Willa: What are you doing?
    Rollo: Oh. Er, well, to cut a long story short...
    Willa: No... give me the long version!
    Rollo: Oh. Right. Well, erm, I took the, the room next door, er, j-just for the evening, [with Willa distracted, Cub sneaks out of the closet and into the next room] and just now I, I noticed that the, er, the interconnecting door wasn't locked, so I just sort of strolled in here out of curiosity, and, and...
    Willa: You... took... the room next door? [walks over to the interconnecting door] Just for the evening?
    Rollo: [overlapping] Y-yes, I wanted to, er, [cups his hands to his mouth so Cub and Pip will hear his "suggestion"] listen to some music!? [sighs in resignation as Willa opens the door and sees the sheep on the bed; she turns to give Rollo a quizzical look, then a noise draws her attention back to the room, where she sees Pip hiding behind an underwear-clad Cub, both of them giving her embarrassed smiles... and this time, Willa gives Rollo an impressed grin]
• When Vince gives away the fact that he has embezzled over $1 million to Willa, who is enraged by the idea that the zoo she has come to love might close because of Rod's greed and Vince's incompetence, she decides to look for enough evidence to get Vince arrested and potentially persuade Rod to keep the zoo open. Rollo shows up to make good on her dinner invitation, and he joins her in looking into how well Vince has (or hasn't) covered his tracks, during which the sexual tension between them finally boils over... and then Vince finds them...
  [in her office, Willa is angrily ransacking the contents of the desk as Rollo arrives]
  Rollo: Hello! [claps his hands enthusiastically] Ready for dinner? [Willa hurls a folder against the desk, sending pens flying] Fine, let's, let's leave it. [turns to leave, then changes his mind as Willa leafs through another folder] Look, er, er, perhaps I should explain why I didn't have any trousers on last night...
  Willa: [throwing more office supplies aside with a loud clatter] Doesn't matter.
  Rollo: No, right. But... you're, you're wondering why the girls didn't have any kit on either?
  Willa: No! [slams the folder down, sending yet more office supplies scattering]
  Rollo: [turns to leave again, then turns back] Look, I'm sorry- [Willa throws another folder down in a rage] I-I don't know what I've done to upset you.
  Willa: [sighs, calms down] Look, it's not you, Rollo. [sighs again] I love this zoo.
  Rollo: [nods] I love zoo too... [grimaces at his slip-up] The, the zoo too.
  Willa: [distraught] Well, it's all going wrong. And now, Vince has been stealing.
  Rollo: Stealing?
  Willa: Yeah, and if McCain finds out, I dunno what he's gonna do!
  Rollo: [walks around the desk and gently ushers Willa back from the laptop] Okay, look, erm... let's find out how obvious it is to Atlanta, right? [taps a sheaf of accounting figures on the shelf, then sits at the laptop; Willa grabs the papers Rollo tapped and stands in front of the shelf] First, we'll see if the bank reconciliation figures and the, er, cashflow tie up. [without looking, reaches back toward where the papers were - and accidentally gropes Willa's chest instead; Willa can only look at his hand in surprise] Then... we'll... [realises something's amiss, turns around, then pulls his hand away as if he's touched a hot stove] Sorry... [Willa smiles as if to say "Don't worry about it," then hands him the papers] 'kyou! [flips through them; Willa leans over his shoulder and points to one of the pages] Yeah. [types at the laptop]
  Willa: [looking at the screen] You know about this stuff?
  Rollo: Well, I was in the police for twenty years, you know, it's not just hitting people on the head with dicks. [Willa gives him a look] STICKS! Sticks. Sorry... [sighs heavily] Damn. You see, it is... pretty obvious to... [getting ever more distracted by how close he is to Willa, who is evidently feeling the same; shakes it off for a moment] I-it is pretty ob- pretty obvious if they, if they know what they're, er... [but as his eyes meet Willa's, he gives in and starts kissing her with abandon, pushing her over the desk as she begins untucking his shirt and unfastening his trousers]
  Vince: [entering] Willa? I'm putting the money back! But only because I have feelings for you- [sees Rollo with his jacket pulled over his head] Oh, Rollo... not again! How do you do it?! I'm gonna call the zoo vet and get you fixed! Get the bimbo out of Miss Weston's off—[Willa emerges from under Rollo; she smirks and waves at Vince] No. No. No no no no no no. I can understand the gorilla, but not, not Mr. Disgusting!
  Willa: [as Rollo re-fastens his trousers and tucks his shirt back in] Vince! [re-buttons her blouse]
  Vince: What do you- what is it, he, he drugged you!? Do, do you owe him money?! Was it a dare!? WHAT?!
  Willa: [acidly] He's very attractive. [tugs Rollo's jacket back down]
  Vince: ... ATTRACTIVE!? [laughs in disbelief] Attractive!... How can you touch him?! Look at that suit!
  Willa: The suit comes off.
  Vince: [grimacing and putting his hand to his forehead] OOOOUGH! Awww! I just got an image of that!
• Fortunately for the zoo, Rollo and Willa are able to persuade Rod to keep them open, since the money Vince stole is the difference between missing and surpassing his favoured 20% profit, while Vince is now facing jail time ("Oh NO, not AGAIN!" Vince groans).
  • Unfortunately, Bugsy then picks up the Beretta handgun with which Vince was threatening first Bugsy himself, then Rod, and disengages the safety catch. Rollo's reaction is classic John Cleese fury:
    Bugsy: 's all right, Mr. McCain, it's a Beretta model 34- [BANG!]
    [to the horror of everyone present, the bullet hits Rod almost directly in the middle of his forehead; Beat]
    Rod: You're fired... [farts, then falls over backwards, dead; in the background, an elephant trumpets. Rollo, Willa, Vince, Bugsy, Reggie, and Pip hurry over to Rod's corpse]
    Willa: Is he dead?
    Rollo: [dips his finger in the blood from the bullet wound, taps it on his tongue, then stands up and glares lethally sharp daggers at Bugsy] Oh, great. Terrific! He decides to keep the zoo open, so you... kill him! [Bugsy stammers helplessly] Brilliant! Well done! Thank you so much, especially for shooting him right between the eyes, so that it doesn't look like an accident. [marches toward Bugsy, who stumbles backwards, surrounded by Willa, Reggie, and Pip; Vince remains next to Rod's body] Because the people at Octopus will know that he was coming here to close us down, so there's our motive for murdering him. Stunning. Well, Mr. Brain of Britain, what are we going to tell the police, who are, of course, already on their way here, another example of the, of the thoroughness of your plan! [for once, Bugsy is utterly lost for words] Go on! I'm all ears! [Bugsy can't speak through the shock and fear; meanwhile, Reggie notices something and tries to get Rollo's attention] What do you suggest we do with the dead body of the incredibly famous man, who you have just ASSASSINATED!? [jumps up with white-hot rage; Bugsy sobs pitifully] Sorry! I didn't... quite catch it, what... what was it? Pop him in the blender? Hmm?
  • But Reggie is trying to get Rollo's attention because he's noticed Vince dragging Rod's dead body into a nearby supply shed. The keepers^note  With the notable exception of Cub, Gerry, and Sydney, as Carey Lowell, Derek Griffiths, and Robert Lindsay were unavailable when the ending was re-shot. rush over to find him trying to stuff his father into the freezer:
    Willa: What are you doing!?
    Vince: I'm freezing him!
    Willa: Why?
    Vince: He's gotta be cryogenically frozen until they find a cure!
    Willa: A cure!?
    Vince: Yeah!
    Willa: Vince! He has a bullet in the brain!
    Vince: Well, GET MORE ICE!
    Willa: ... Vince, there is no cure for a bullet in the brain, it is very fatal. [Rollo nods]
    Vince: [looks at them, then at Rod, then back at Rollo and Willa] You mean he's dead?
    Willa: [nodding with several others] Yes.
    Vince: And he's not coming back.
    Rollo: [as Willa and Di shake their heads] No. I'm sorry.
    [Vince slumps against the door frame, seemingly grief-stricken... until he leans back again, facing the heavens with his mouth wide open in a silent laugh of utter delight]
    Vince: [to the others] I'm so happy!... [to Rod's body, triumphantly] YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE DEAD! You... [punching Rod's body on each word, to the crowd's shock] BIG! FAT! BASTARD! [punches the air] YES! [walks across to Bugsy as Rod's body topples out of the freezer, startling the keepers] Bugsy! [slaps the appendages of his bee costume] High five! Low five! I love ya! [grabs his face and kisses him] Life begins! [steps on Rod's body as he walks back across the shed] Oh, YES! Yes, yes...

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